2-06-12

+ 'congratulations, of course, to the new york giants', craig ferguson exclaims, 'it was a great game.  i also liked the half time show with madonna.  she came in carried by an army of muscle bound dudes.  its a good thing she wasn't carried in by the patriots or they would have dropped her!  madonna played a bunch of her hits, she was alright, she was pretty good... i tell ya, that british dude can really sing!  you know what i could have done without though? MIA giving the crowd the finger.  i was like 'what are you doing?!?' this is outrageous, you dont use the finger or use expletives, thats for performers who aren't confident in their own abilities... or possibly have a really atrocious writing staff!  i'm a little concerned thought that we are running out of top shelf music acts for the half time shows.  we've had U2, we had springsteen, prince, a couple years ago we had paul mccartney.  everyone today was talking about the commercials.  remember that one with david beckham in his underwear?  i never quite figured out what that one was for.  i'm thinking it was for some kind of sausage...  at first i thought it was a psa warning about the dangers of plum smuggling... i've watched it like 20 times and i still dont know what it was for.'
- mark harmon
- martha plimpton

2-03-12

+ 'everyone is counting down the hours until super bowl 46', craig ferguson states, 'or as its officially known, super bowl XLVI.  why do they do that?  i guess because football fans really love deciphering mathematics from ancient things.  its a great match up, of course, the new york giants versus the new england patriots, its a rematch of the unforgettable super bowl 44.  unforgettable because it ended with me sobbing cause i forgot to dvr the puppy bowl on animal planet!  sometimes i wish they would combine the super bowl with the puppy bowl.  i think a lot of people would love to see dogs going after michael vick!  the big reason people love the super bowl is because of the food!  its a great time for eating pizza, burgers, chips and dip.  there's your four food groups right there!  people go all out with the snacks on super bowl sunday.  this year i am making a replica of the palace of versailles out of bologna!  it will be difficult to top last years snack though, when i made the ham-pire state building!  this year's game is expected to be the biggest game in tv history.  so remember car thieves, sunday night is your best bet to get out there and work!'
- rachel bilson
* jonathan ames

2-02-12

+ 'its a great day for mitt romney, or course', craig ferguson states, 'he was endorsed by donald trump.  it was a split decision though, the thing on trump's head endorsed gingrich!  anyway, the thing on trumps head isnt the only groundhog in the news, it is of course groundhog day today.  punxatawney phil saw his shadow, predicting six more weeks of winter.  a groundhog is not an accurate weather predictor.  its just not true.  a groundhog knows about as much about weather as mitt romney knows about poor people.  as wikipedia knows about fact checking.  as david hasselhoff knows about eating a hamburger from a table.  as herman cain and bill clinton know about abstinence.  now if you dont know what a groundhog is, its a big rodent.  its the same as a woodchuck.  so when you hear 'how much wood would a woodchuck chuck' its actually referring to a groundhog.  and the answer is of course, lots and lots of wood.  like a party at elton john's house.'
- daniel radcliffe
> mark forward

2-01-12

+ 'not such a great day for mitt romney', craig ferguson shares, 'he won in florida yesterday and then he went and put his foot in his mouth.  he said in an interview today, and i quote, 'i'm not that concerned about the very poor'.  isn't anybody even trying to win this?!?  to be fair, to mitt romney, the very poor is anyone who doesn't use a solid gold toilet.  he's very rich.  anyway, newt gingrich came in second yesterday, but he has vowed to stay in the race.  he has said 'i'm staying in the race no matter what'.  people are comparing him to hillary clinton in 2008.  well, hillary clinton and newt gingrich are very similar, both spent the 90's trying to find out who bill was sleeping with...  they are very similar, and i think they both have the same tailor.'
- william shatner
- kathryn hahn

1-31-12

+ 'if you are like me, you've probably been playing close attention to the big story', craig ferguson admits, 'and the results are in, tonight was a big game changer: yes, it was the best episode of glee yet!  i'm talking about the big florida primary, it was mitt romney vs. newt gingrich.  we are live of course, so congratulations... big winner.  it was probably mitt romney, which is too bad really cause it means rick santorum is out of the race.  santorum says that gingrich is too hot, and romney is too cold, but he's the goldilocks candidate.  and i'm thinking 'yeah, nothing gets voters more excited than comparing yourself to tepid porridge.  politicians have to reach a lot of people in florida, its a very diverse population.  you've got old people there, and then really old people!  that's why the third place in today's primary when to bunion cream!  the republican nomination process still has a long way to go, the winner today gets 50 delegates, but you need 1100 to win the nomination.  and if you get 10,000 points you get three stars on level 8.  wait, that's angry birds, isn't it?  i'll get you yet, helmet pig!'
= ringo starr

1-30-12

+ 'i'm glad to be back', craig ferguson shares, 'last week i was out doing stand up.  well, i call it stand up, but its just talking.  i was in the south in the midwest.  i always love going out on the road, but its a bit insulting when you see people in the front row trying to change the channel!  i'm like 'i'm right here!'  'its like he's in the room' 'i am in the room!' 'where's fallon?'.  i stayed in some great hotels while i was on the road, and none of them were haunted.  except one!  i cant tell you which one, but it was the hotel deco in omaha nebraska!  it was haunted!  the hotel deco is listed on the national register of historic places, and soon they will be adding a plaque that says 'craig ferguson crapped his pants here!'  i want to be clear, the staff was great, the hotel was fine, it was very friendly.  there was a woman who was standing out front as i was checking in, and she said 'you know this hotel is haunted!'  i told the elevator guy that the woman out there says the place is haunted and he said 'you know, there hasnt been a woman out there in 20 years!'  then i'm in the right place!'
- don cheadle
- andrea riseborough

1-20-12

+ 'this weekend is a very big one in hollywood, its the first big award show of the year', craig ferguson states, 'the ceremony where the world gathers to honor those who have made us laugh, who have made us cry, who has helped us masturbate.  its the porno awards this weekend!  i shouldnt call them the porno awards.  porno is a derogatory term, it implies a negative value judgement.  the proper word in erotica.  anyway, this weekend's show is called the avn awards because they are sponsored by the adult video news.  thats the adult industry's paper of record.  its like newsweek for guys in trench coats.  it would be great to be a reporter for the adult video news, that would be great!  'this just in... and out... and in again!'.'
- larry the cable guy
= 3 doors down

1-19-12

+ 'today in park city, utah, the sundance film festival began', craig ferguson shares, 'its the only thing in the world that makes utah more white.  what a great time to be a utahan.  do you know, i've been to park city before.  if you are driving to park city, utah from los angeles, you actually pass through a town called beaver.  thats true!  i always get stuck in beaver, there is so much to see!  i mean, you get up close to beaver and you think 'well, theres not much going on here', then you get inside and went 'woa!  whats all this?!?  who would have thought there was all this from the outside?'  the film makers go there to raise money for the films.  they raise money the old fashioned way: they sell weapons and stuff.  investors go there to look for films.  i've been in this game, when you are trying to raise money for independent film, you mean a lot of shady guys from eastern europe...  sundance isnt really about the movies these days, its more a kind of party atmosphere.  one of the regulars is paris hilton.  i like paris, she's a nice girl, but he's not really a representative of fine cinema.  although, she did that one movie that i rather enjoyed, i rented it accidentally a couple times...  you know, that one where... ah... house of wax, that one!'
> steven wright
- sara paxton

1-18-12

+ 'did you watch the american idol tonight?' craig ferguson asks, 'i did!  the first couple episodes of american idol are usually the highest rated of the season because there is something magical about people who have dreams beyond their talent go on national talent and having those dreams crushed...  thats not the only reason people watch american idol, theres also the new judges, and i love them.  i dont think i would be a good judge, i was a musician, but i was a crap musician.  the core of my distaste for american idol, which i do have, is that it teaches the wrong things to the kids.  it teaches aspiring singers a dangerous lesson:  that you need someone elses permission to persue your dreams.  you dont.  and whats worse, that karaoke is cool.  its not.  if you want to be a singer, then sing!  you dont need to ask someone.  to me, singing is like masturbation: you should do it every day in the shower!  american idol assumes being a music star is all about pure vocal ability, and that is just not true.  you also need a certain amount of je ne sais quoi.  'je ne sais quoi' is a french term that means boobies.'
- david duchovny
* dr. sanjay gupta

1-16-12

+ 'earlier tonight on fox, i was watching it, was the new show alcatraz', craig ferguson shares, 'you know, the show about the legendary san francisco prison.  the only prison in the world with less man on man action inside the prison that is going on in the town outside...  alcatraz isn't really a good name for a prison outside of san francisco, if you are going to have a prison in san francisco, you should call it 'sing sing!'  anyway, the new show about alcatraz, the prisoners are out terrorizing the city and they haven't aged a day.  no, its jj abrams who is behind this, he's terrific.  he did 'lost' and the new 'star trek' movie, so the prisoners are probably ghosts or clones or something like that.  although i have to say, scientists, if you are watching this show, and i know you do, do not clone dinosaurs or prisoners.  don't do it!  cloning technology is getting more advanced.  scottish scientists invented it.  it was invented in edinburgh university they invented cloning.  and the first thing they cloned, rather embarrassingly, was a sheep!  the scientist said 'i have just invented cloning, everybody!  well done me!  any ideas what we should clone first?'  'i've got an idea...'.'
- lucy liu
- kevin sorbo

1-13-12

+ 'hey, do you like the disney cartoons?' craig ferguson asks, 'neither do i! i'm just kidding, i do.  i like disney cartoons, they are warm and soothing, like bathing in a bath of fresh oatmeal.  i had to do that last month when i had shingles!  thats how you do it, i had shingles and thats how you get rid of them.  you lie in a big bath of oatmeal.  the kids are still eating the leftovers.  'dad, it tastes shingly!' 'ah, eat your shingle porridge you wee bastards! when i was your age shingle porridge was a delicacy served only to the royals!'  anyway, what i'm saying about the disney cartoons, the classic is being rereleased today.  its not winnie the pooh, which i loved, but its beauty and the beast thats coming out.  this time its coming in 3D!  all the songs and romance you remember, plus the expense of doubly expensive tickets and glasses covered in bacteria!
- kristen bell
> louis anderson

1-12-12

+ 'not a great day if you like the yoga', craig ferguson admits, 'you know the yoga?  the practice of physical and spiritual and mental discipline from india?  well, now the new york times says in an article that yoga can be dangerous.  ah, yoga is not dangerous.  next thing you know they will be telling us that other pleasant things are dangerous, like scrap booking and heroin.  anyway, the new york times article says that yoga related injuries are on the rise.  what happens is that people spend all day in chairs at work and then they twist themselves into a pretzel during yoga and expect it to be easy and hurt themselves.  its like if you were a brainless action star your whole life, and then trying to go out and govern the state of california.  see that?  thats your topical humor! how long has he been out of office?  two years now?  thats what we do here, we do the late night show with all the topical stuff in the news!'
- hugh laurie he talks and sings!

ass mode

ever wondered why the tweet mail jingles on 'the late late show with craig ferguson' always seems to include the term 'ass mode'?  well, craig finally provides an answer:  an email craig read on the air asked 'dear mr. ferguson and geoff peterson, you seem to take a lot of interest in philosophy, do you live by any particular philosophy?'  craig responds 'yes i do: ass mode.  right geoff?'
'that's right, ass mode is a way of life' geoff responds.
'ass mode is a way of life.  when you see on the tweet mail jingle when it goes 'ass mode' people are like 'what does it mean?' i'll tell you what it means.  what does it mean geoff?'
'it means its a way of life' geoff retorts.
later, when hugh laurie is on the show, he asks 'well, i didnt exactly come here with a list of questions, but i came with one: what is 'ass mode'?  i ask it on behalf of everyone, i think'.
'and i answer you', craig states, 'by saying: geoff?'
geoff responds with 'ass mode is a way of life.'

1-11-12

+ 'it is a great day for mitt romney', craig ferguson shares, 'last night he won the new hampshire primary.  so, congratulations, establishment cyborg!  people are being inspired by his bland diction and gorgeous hair.  now, romney's win means he gets seven delegates and a wagon full of maple syrup.  now, its on to south carolina where the winner gets a hog and a gamecock.  its the south carolina school mascot, i googled it eariler today.  mitt romney, sure he looks like a decent enough guy.  oh, of course, he's a corporate vampire who bought companies only to suck the profit out only to leave behind closed factories and ruined lives, but he made an ass load of cash doing it, and now owns four houses, so it all worked out in the end.  whats amazing, though, is that all of romney's opponents in the GOP are going after him for being the head of a venture capital firm.  i'm like 'republicans attacking a guy for making money on the free market?'  thats like clinton criticizing an intern program- thats crazy!'
- adam goldberg
- mercedes masohn

1-10-12

+ 'its a great day if you like the gadgets', craig ferguson states, 'today was the start of the 2012 consumer electronics show, ces.  you know, were the humans blend with technology, its held every year in las vegas.  geoff and i got married there, remember?  thats the night this human blended with technology.  vegas is going through some rough times right now, the economy is bad.  the economy is so bad in vegas, louis anderson got a second job as a bouncy castle.  the economy is so bad in vegas, the bellagio replaced the dancing waters with a fat guy holding a hose.  anyway, this year at the consumer electronic show, everyone is talking about the voice control tv.  its tv that you control with your voice!  instead of the back braking work of pressing a button on the remote!  instead of the tedious endless exercise of clicking a button, you can now just yell 'kardashians!' at the tv!  be careful though, if you yell 'kloe', you'll get animal planet...'
* isaac mizrahi
- sophia bush

1-09-12

+ 'there was a big season premier last night', craig ferguson shares, 'did you see it?  it was downton abbey.  its the british soap opera thats getting very popular.  its like an american soap opera but without all the straight teeth.  its on pbs, i'm not sure what that stands for, probably british stuff.  what i'm saying is that downton abbey is on pbs, which means its classy, which probably means you havent seen it.  if you didnt see the first season of downton abbey, i'll do a quick recap for you: 'i say, lady.  how dare you!  kiss me, fatha! war has been declared!'  thats about it.  downton abbey takes place in the north of england, in yorkshire.  with all the lords and ladies and butlers and all the cooks all live together in a country estate.  i have to admit, i like to look at all the outfits.  all those big tight corsets, the flowing dresses, and when i'm finished picking my clothes for the evening, i turn on the tv and watch downton abbey.  i grew up in britain, so i had my fill of the whole class division thing, so i didnt watch downton abbey over the weekend, but i did watch the republican debate.  and one of the candidates said there are no classes in america.  and then that topic was hotly debated by all six rich white guys who were there'.
- howie mandel
= randy houser

1-06-12

+ 'you know that horror movie is opening today, 'the devil inside'.' craig ferguson shares, 'that looks scary!  and you know, if you take the word devil and spell it backwards it says 'lived'.  yeah, its not that creepy.  listen, the movie is about an exorcism and the movie is based on true events.  which is kind of like the label on cheese dips that says 'this item is based on actual cheese'.  this movie is based on an exorcism, it better have a cool twist, because that territory has been pretty well covered by 'the exorcist'.  which i actually never saw.  i meant to, i was on the way to the theater, but was distracted by a movie called 'the sexorcist'.  the same thing happened when i went to go see 'chitty chitty bang bang'.  in the new movie the devil gives all his minions a tattoo on the inside of their lip, which is ridiculous.  everyone knows what the dark lord of the underworld gives his minions: a law degree!'
- michael clarke duncan
- laura prepon

1-05-12

+ 'its an important time for the nation', craig ferguson shares, 'earlier tonight, people of every race and religion stopped what they were doing.  washington d.c. politicians put aside their differences for one hour, because tonight is the season premier of 'the jersey shore'.  if you dont know what that is because you are 'too classy', then imagine its like downton abbey if everyone vomited on each other.  'i say, lord percy, blahhh!'  so its season five, started tonight.  its about damn time because season four only finished about two months ago.  i love the whole cast, you know: snookie, the situation, j wow, spuds, corky, tito, regis...  i've never watched it.  i dont have time to watch crappy tv, i'm too busy making crappy tv!  i actually did see the jersey shore once, it was the one where that dude hit the other dude, then there was some hooking up, and then they had to solve a mystery by examining the semen stains on the wall.  wait, thats CSI isnt it?'
- tom selleck
- daniela ruah

1-04-12

+ 'its a great day if you like undersea creatures', craig ferguson states, 'and who doesn't like undersea creatures?  jerks!  you know who you are!  no, i'll tell you why, cause near antartica, scientists just discovered new undersea creatures.  one of them is being called the hairy chested yeti crab.  i always thought yeti crabs was what you get after having sex with a yeti, but not true!  not anymore!  actually, that's not true, you don't get anything after having sex with bigfoot.  not even a phone call!  there is another creature called the seven armed sea star, and the ghost pale octopus.  i dont know how these so called scientists name real animals after real stuff: yeti crab, ghost pale octopus.  that's crap.  you cant name real species after made up things.  before you know it, they will be discovering the female orgasm platypus!  its a joke, relax.  you know what a platypus is, right?  its like a beaver, but australian.  it goes around the other way...'
- rza
- melissa rauch

True or not true!

it seems that craig ferguson came up with a new bit for the show!  he was sitting down at his desk the other night, answering emails.  he got a tweet from aaron is sacramento, which got craig going on sacramento.  he said 'this tweet is from aaron is sacramento california, the capitol of the state of california is in sacramento.  thats the very town where governor scharzenegger did to the state of california what he did to his maid while he was married.  true or not true?  oh! thats a new bit for the show, i've just invented it!  geoff, we've got a new bit!  its awesome!  its called 'true or not true'!'  craig then progresses to go through a few different examples of 'true or not true'.  craig continues 'you know what?  i'm pretty sure that by the end of the week we will have a graphic for 'true or not true'!'  actually, craig has a graphic, admittedly pretty lame, by the end of the show!  wow, those graphics people sure work quick!

7 years of craig!

'so tonight is the seventh anniversary of this show!  i was thinking 'have we been doing this show seven years?'  well, yeah, thats why they call it an anniversary!  what i did, i thought this would be fun, i thought we could take a look at the very first show!  what we did is we thought people would want to see how this show has progressed over the years.  so what we did was i went down to the cbs basement today.  that is code, by the way...  so, geoff and i were rummaging around in the basement today and we found the very first show!'
craig then proceeds to show a 'clip' of the first show.  its not actually the first show though, but rather a recreation of it.  craig, dressed up in a terrible black wig, red blazer, and piano key tie, makes some lame jokes about topical events from seven years ago.  the best part was that geoff peterson was there- but not the robot skeleton we have all grown to love.  instead, the guy who does his voice was standing at the podium bantering with craig!  geoff talked about how he had plans that weekend to go skydiving and offered 'if i die you can always reanimate my lifeless corpse with robot parts!'
later that night, craig talks about his anniversary again:  'its a great day for this show, for us today, its the seventh anniversary for this show!  this very night!  the show's age has finally reached the age of the audience's maturity level!  and the network gave me, thank you to cbs, they gave me the traditional anniversary gift of nothing.  nothing!  not a thing!  not even a fucking phone call!  i'm not kidding!!!'

1-03-12

+ 'i hope you all had a great holiday', craig ferguson states, 'i, for the holiday period, went to scotland.  i enjoy going back to the country where i was born.  it must be what its like to be barak obama visiting kenya.  relax, its a joke!  i know he's not from kenya!  while i was in scotland, the world said goodbye to one of the last old school dictators kim jung il.  goodnight, crazy lesbian.  we've talked about him all the time, now that he's gone, i dont know what we will do now, we'll have to resort to something crazy like original material!  the new ruler of north korea is kim jung il's son.  thats an amazing coincidence- the elections must have gone very quickly!'
- carrie fisher
- matthew gray gubler

1-02-12

+ 'happy new year!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'i hope you all had a good time, i was in scotland for new years.  its called 'hogmanay' in scotland.  now, some people think hogmanay comes from the northern french word meaning 'new year's gift', but actually its the sound you make when you throw up a bottle of champagne!  for the new year many people make resolutions, its a good idea to share with your coworkers so you will be motivated.  this year geoff and i made resolution to make this show less filthy and more intellectual.  ha ha ha!  yeah, right!  personally, resolutions make me want to do something more!  if i make a resolution i go 'argh, i'm not going to do it', which makes me really want to do it!  i dont like anyone telling me what to do, even if its me telling me what to do!  a couple years ago my big resolution was to spend part of every day learning spanish, that was my big resolution.  and it was over by... whats the spanish word for 'mid-january'?  so this year i'm just avoiding the whole thing so nobody is el disapointo.'
- tim meadows
= eliza doolittle
> myq kaplan

12-23-11

tonight's episode is totally devoted to emails!  craig ferguson starts a new christmas tradition and welcomes all kinds of guests to come and answer emails with him.  at one point he tries to pawn off geoff peterson to johnny galecki, getting double gifts with jason segel for being half jewish, half gentile, and just the usual goofiness with his ol' skeleton robot sidekick.

12-22-11

+ 'only two shopping days left tell christmas!' craig ferguson warns, 'everything is all christmasy all over the place.  christmas movies are all over the place, 'its a wonderful life' is on all the time.  'mary clarence, dont ya know me'  awe, my jimmy stewart impression isnt so great.  it sounds like a parrot having a stoke  'do i taste pennies?'  everyone things of jimmy stewart as the 'all american' man.  this is true, in the beginning of his career, the hollywood movie mogals, the big wigs, they forced jimmy stewart to go to brothels to prove he wasnt gay!  thats true!  i'm thinking 'what? studio bosses pay for your hookers?!?  dont you want to prove that i'm not gay?'  its a wonderful life is, of course, about a man named george bailey, he's thinking about suicide, and he gets a rare opportunity to see what life would be like if he had never been born.  for decades people have loved 'its a wonderful life'.  its a great movie, but it seems to be out of date.  i mean, a mean old banker using unscrupulous methods to foreclose on working people's homes so he can line his pockets with their cash.  i mean, thankfully thats in the past, we have come a long way, there's no way that could possibly happen today...'
- kyra sedgwick
= frankie ballard

12-21-11

+ 'a lot of movies are coming out this weekend', criag ferguson discusses, 'tom cruise in the new mission impossible movie, and the tintin movie about the belgan dog or something.  they are very different movies, one of them has a tiny little creature that is more popular in europe than here, and the other is tintin.  also, war horse comes out.  i want to see all those movies, but the one i'm most excited for is 'the girl with the dragon tattoo'.  its based on the original girl with the dragon tattoo, but it was swedish.  over there its called 'un flicka wit den trampen stampen'.  the author of the book died of a heart attack in 2004 after walking up some stairs.  so let that be a lesson to you kids, take the stairs.  the dragon tattoo book is the first in a trilogy.  it was one of those trilogies where i bought the first book and i was like 'wow!  this is sensational! its really good, i've got to get the second book!'  i read the second book and i  thought 'ok, thats alright', i read the first book i was thinking 'you know, that first book was awesome!'.  at the end of the trilogy, the girl with the dragon tattoo gets a lightning bolt scar, becomes a wizard, and defeats voldemort.'
- jason lee
- felicity jones
= black dub

12-20-11

+ 'its the first day of hanakkah', criag ferguson shares, 'if you are celebrating hanakkah you probably arent into christmas caroling, of course.  tonight happens to be 'go caroling day'.  tonight you are supposed to celebrate christmas with a song!  for all you christmas carolers out there: dont come to my house.  and one more thing: ba humbug!  i'm not really a scrooge, i love christmas.  i love all holidays, especially the one you celebrate in your region with your ethnic group!  only a few more shopping days until christmas, the stores are packed with people buying gifts for family and friends.  did you know that some people actually buy presents for their pets? those people are called me!  i do, i buy gifts for my ferrets!  you know the great thing about ferrets? they are fucking stupid!  now, if you cant afford to buy christmas gifts for your kids this christmas, just give them your love and they will be just as happy.  ha ha ha!  the most popular toys this year for girls is something called the 'la la loopsy' doll.  one of the most popular gifts for this christmas is the t-pain microphone.  thats true!  its a microphone that you sing into and it makes you sound like the rapper t-pain.  i dont know much about t-pain, but his biggest songs are called 'buy you a drank', and 'i'm in love with a stripper'.  so let me address any parents who are watching: christmas is a wonderful time to teach your kids about bitches and hos.'
- robin wright
- parker young  he's pretty funny!

12-19-11

+ 'did you see that sherlock holmes movie over the weekend?' craig ferguson asks, 'it was fantastic i have heard.  i've heard its the best movie ever, i'm looking forward to seeing it.  i've never talked about this before, but i was actually up for a part in sherlock holmes.  not the movie, in the dinner theater production at the west alameda community theater.  i was this close to getting it! damn you, eric estrada!  sherlock holmes has been around for a while, of course, the original books came out in the 1800's.  did you know that in the original sherlock holmes he never actually said 'elementary, my dear watson'.  he didnt.  he did say 'oh please, senior ding-a-ling!'  robert downey jr. plays sherlock holmes in the new movies.  he's much sexier than the sherlock holmes i remember growing up.  he used to be played by basil wrathbone.  to me, thats what sherlock holmes is supposed to look like.  old timey sherlock holmes always smoked a pipe.  in fact, in the original sherlock holmes novels he didnt just smoke a pipe, he was also a cocaine addict!  thats true!  why would you cast robert downey jr. as... oh, nevermind...  i like robert downey jr a lot, i like him.  he's been through a lot and i like that he's open about his troubles.  but i'll tell you this: you cannot solve crimes when you are on cocaine.  my own research has proved that you cant...  you can, however, commit crimes!'
- regis philbin
= goo goo dolls

12-16-11

+ 'today is the day i've been looking forward to all year', craig ferguson admits, 'a big movie opens today.  some people wait for the twilight movies, some look forward to the girl with the dragon tattoo.  but for me?  its alvin and the chipmunks!  looks like the chipmunks go on a cruise.  i dont know if its a gay cruise, but you can make your own joke about storing nuts for the winter, though.  i miss the disney chipmunks chip and dale.  times are tough on chip and dale, they are male strippers now, shaking their asses at disney land, giving lap dances to goofy!'
- mindy kaling
> nick griffin

12-15-11

+ 'it was a scary day at the naval shipyard in maine', criag ferguson shares, 'workers building on a new destroyer discovered in the guided missile system had been compromised by spiders!  they weren't just any spiders, the missile tubes had been taken over by deadly black widows!  worst of all, the deadly black widows came from los angeles!  i'm sure the spiders arent happy about the situation either, the crawled into a warm box in southern california and they ended up in maine in december!  its cold in maine in december.  how cold is it? so cold they are dipping lobsters in hot coco.  its so cold santa's sack is creeping back into his body.  the black widow spider gets its name cause the female kills the husband after they mate.  well, they are not technically married, there's no ring on the spider's leg.  she kills him as soon as she gets her lusty spidery desire satisfied.  but it makes me think why do male spiders keep getting it on with black widows?  in ancient mythology, spiders are a sign of patience.  they spend all that time weaving their web and then they wait until the unsuspecting prey stumbles into it and then its all over in a matter of minutes.  now a days we would call that 'kardashian marriage'.'
- sean hayes
* john hodgman

12-14-11

+ 'its a great day if you like barbara walters', craig ferguson shares, 'the most fascinating people special was on earlier tonight.  there is no surprise about one thing on this list: i'm not on it!  again!  not fascinating enough for you, barbara?  i've been a guest on the view and i thought you and i had something special.  something very very special... i let you see my sensitive side, barbara.  and by that i mean my penis.  she did have some great names, barbara, on this special though:  pippa middleton.  now there you are, who could be more fascinating than someone who is the sister of someone who has married someone who is famous just for being fucking born!  to be fair though, pippa is also famous for having an ass that looks good in a dress.  which is another reason i should be on that list!  other people on barbara's list include herman cain, the kardashians, simon cowell, and donald trump.  is this a list of the most hateful douche bags in america?  between them and pippa middleton, this really puts the 'ass' in fascinating!  katy pery is also on the list, i like her.  she's talented, she's pretty, and she's a great singer, but is it wise to put her in the same room as herman cain?'
- kenneth branagh
- patton oswalt

12-13-11

+ 'its a terrible week for us here in los angeles,' craig ferguson shares, 'first we had to say goodbye to khloe and lamar, it will take me years to get over that...  and, it turns out, the christmas lights here might be fake!  its true, the customs officials at the port of l.a. have seized a shipment of fake christmas lights.  i don't know what that means, they aren't merry enough or something?  everyone in l.a. is cockahoop about it though.  the phony christmas lights were sent here from china.  i heard that and was like 'whoa?!?  cheap unreliable products?!?  from china?!? has the world gone crazy?'  the fake christmas lights, the reason they are called fake is because they can be dangerous.  they haven't been tested, so they can start fires or give people electrical shocks.  which makes them perfect for me to wrap around my genitals.  that's right, there's nothing quite like the lighting of my scrotum.  authorities are warning people here in l.a. not to use the lights that might be fake.  good luck, authorities, fake is kind of our thing!  we've got the fake boobies, the fake people, the fake animal fur, the fake orgasms.'
- ben kingsley
- morena baccarin

12-12-11

+ 'today is the busiest shipping day of the year', craig ferguson shares, 'its the run up to christamas, the shipping company is doing twice as many shipments as normal.  so today would probably be the best day to send your drugs through the mail without getting caught...  today fed ex processed more than 17 million shipments, ups delivered 11 million parcels, and the us postal service handled the most important package of all: mine!  its heavy and it needs a lot of stamps...  i used to collect stamps, not postage stamps- tramp stamps!  i started down there and they go all the way up.  i had to stop when they reached the base of my neck.  not really.  anyway, with all the packages going out there are bound to be some ending up at the wrong address.  it happens to me occasionally.  i have to go to my neighbors house and say 'here is your sports illustrated' magazine, and then he says 'here's your ferret monthly magazine'.  a lot of packages this time of year get lost.  thats awful, you are promised something great and then nothing ever happens.  its like voting for obama!'
- dj qualls
-> cat cora

my own rattlesnake mug!!!

wow, that was fast! i ordered myself a couple rattlesnake mugs, just like the ones used by craig ferguson and geoff peterson on 'the late late show with craig ferguson', and boy are they cool! i put in the order on saturday, and they were waiting on my doorstep monday afternoon when i got home- now thats quick! anyway, they both arrived safely, no scratches or broken parts, and they even came with a little note from the woman who sent them from house of tasso!

this thing is pretty awesome- just like the one craig has!

the only difference between this one and craigs? this one doesnt have a tooth chipped off! thanks to house of tasso's fantastic shipping and packaging!

this thing will really start some conversations, thats for sure! i figured since its a rattle snake, it belongs among the foliage, right?

*update*  i got the mug that geoff peterson has too!  check it out here!

12-09-11

+ 'the big movie opening this weekend that i'm very excited about is 'new year's eve'',  craig ferguson states, 'a very important film that asks some very important questions: what is the meaning of life? does the world around us truly exist?  why are we here?  ha ha ha!  its not about any of that, its about celebrities hooking up and all that crap!  anyway, the movie has a huge cast in it, including moamar kadafi and kim jung il!  a libyan zombie and an angry lesbian have to share an apartment- can they get along?  you that movie and you will find out!  new years eve is made by the same people who made the hit movie valentines day.  wait a minute, reusing a successful formula instead of coming up with something original?  thats not the hollyoood i know!  the movie is set in time square, the producers say its a love letter to new york city.  no one sends letters anymore, its more like a penis tweet to new york city.  by the way, penis tweet was the name of my favorite cockatoo...'

* richard lewis

= needtobreath

12-08-11

+ 'the inductees for the rock and roll hall of fame were announced yesterday', craig ferguson states, 'its like the baseball hall of fame but with less drug use and more satan.  this is true, for a band to get their record in to the rock and roll hall of fame the record had to come out at least 25 years ago.  now, let me explain: a record is something that made noise when you rotated it.  what you do is you get the record, you put it under a sharp needle, spin it around, and it made a noise.  like a cat!  its a joke, i would never do that to a cat... there isnt a talk show hall of fame.  maybe there is, they just haven't told me...  the rock and roll hall of fame, the inductees this year include guns n roses, the red hot chili peppers, and the beastie boys.  they are great.  i'm sure they are all very happy to be inducted, because if there's one thing that excites guys who have spent their lives knee deep in sex and drugs, its a bronze plaque.'

- pierce brosnan

* laura lippman

12-07-11

+ 'theres something that happened in california yesterday that was really quite frightening', craig ferguson states, 'a cannonball smashed into a house where two people were sleeping, came out the other side of the house, bounced across four lanes of traffic, hit a roof on another house and then crashed through the window of a minivan. it was like a cartoon! police were only able to stop the cannonball by running ahead of it and painting a railway tunnel on the side of a cliff! i know what you are thinking: 'who could be of set off a cannon? who would be so irresponsible to set off a cannon?' hoodlums! the mythbusters did it! its my favorite show on television, except for anything on cbs, of course... the mythbusters were conducting an experiment, they wanted to demonstrate what a cannonball can do. so they got a cannonball, i don't know where you get one. they went to the mall and go to 'cannonballs and things', and then they fired it out of a cannon. what could possibly go wrong with that? remember the first rule of building your own cannon: don't build your own cannon!'

- trace adkins

> michael palescak

12-06-11

+ 'scientists say they have found a planet that's earth's twin', craig ferguson shares, 'it has ideal conditions for life, the temperature is 71 degrees, it has four seasons, the only difference is that its twice as large as earth. so scientists say that if there are people then they would be double the size of humans because of the gravity and size and stuff. it would be like a whole planet of kloe kardashians!'

- valerie bertinelli

> henry cho

12-05-11

+ 'today is a very important day for historians and drunks!' craig ferguson states, 'its repeal day. this is the anniversary of the glorious day when prohibition was repealed in 1933. now, some of you might not remember repeal day. i say 'some of you' because we do have some viewers who are younger than 80. prohibition was a dark time, alcohol was illegal and peppermint lattes werent invented yet. how did people make it through the day? i'll tell you: crystal meth! thats what they used, but back then it was called spunky dust! 'hey shopkeeper, got any spunky dust?' 'yeah, i'm just cooking up a fresh batch in the rear!' 'look out ivan, here comes johnny yankee with the spunky dust!' alcohol was illegal in this country from 1919 to 1933. 14 years! not a single person in 14 years sang karaoke! people back then thought prohibition would never end, and then just like herman cain, it was gone. i think prohibition was a wonderful idea because boom- just like that, they stop doing it! thats why i hope they never ban scrapbooking. 'hey g-man, if you want me to stop scrapbooking you will have to take the glue from my cold dead hand!' you know, what happened when they repealed prohibition, it turned the economy around. the government got huge tax revenues. they had been spending money keeping it down and now they made it legal and all this money was pouring in! it got us out of the great depression. if only there was something we could legalize and tax now that would help us out of this recession. if only!'

- justin long

- noomi repace

12-02-11

+ 'earlier tonight 'america's most wanted' came back', craig ferguson shares, 'i'm very excited about that. its on the lifetime channel now. it is! it used to be on fox but now its on lifetime. america's most wanted can get kind of grizzly sometimes, its only the second most grizzly thing on lifetime now. did you see the dresses on project runway last year? almost made me want to watch sports! almost... its funny to me that america's most wanted is on lifetime now, every week they are going to be searching for 'a man who wants to listen and then snuggle'. america's most wanted used to be on fox but then it was cancelled because the fox executives realized that the show was helping people! fox shows are usually just large cartoon characters who are big asses just making fools of themselves, like homer simpson, the family guy, or simon cowell... personally i like shows that do good things for people, i like it when tv gives me a warm feeling. thats why i always watch tv with my testicles on it!'

- ana gasteyer

- beth behrs

12-01-11

+ 'its a crazy day here in los angeles', craig ferguson shares, 'the city of angels has been attacked by mother nature's most brutal servant: a moderate wind. no, actually the winds have been very strong. it was windy last night in hollywood. how windy was it? it was so windy that arnold schwarzenegger was blown off his maid! it was so windy hugh hefner didnt need pills to get it up! it was so windy a shirt accidentally blew on matthew machonahoney! the wind blew so hard it was accidentally mistaken for the dodgers! the storm has died down though, but i am still taking precautions. i've got extra glue on my toupee. the best part of the windy days in l.a. is that you save money on face lifts! thousands of people lost power during the wind storm, a few parts are still in the dark. be careful, if you see a downed power line dont pick it up. no matter how tempting it is to pick it up and touch it to your genitals, dont do it! i learned that the hard way- the awesome hard way... my power went out for a little while last night and i thought to myself 'this is when i wish my house was powered by a wind turbine'. but then i look down at my team of little people on their treadmills and i thought 'no, its more cost effective and they are adorable!' i should get them clothes though. anyway, i woke up today and realized that the wind had blown a bunch of trash into my pool. and by 'trash', i mean a couple of spare kardashians and steven segal.'

- kristin chenoweth

* ken tucker

ordering snake mugs

i finally decided to get one for myself! seeing that snake mug on craig ferguson's desk every night on 'the late late show with craig ferguson' was finally too much for me and i put in an order for one of my own! i decided to get the mug that craig uses as well as the one on geoff peterson's podium, so i'm going to be in for twice the snake fun! i found it online at house of tasso. i even got to talk to the woman who runs that site, she's really nice by the way! hope they come soon...

11-30-11

+ 'its a great day if you like stonehenge', craig ferguson shares, 'you know stonehenge, the famous old relic thats been around for thousands of years. archaeologists have just discovered that mysterious pits are under the earth at stonehenge. stonehenge has always been a puzzle, but now there are extra pieces and they dont know how it fits in. there are new parts that dont seem to be parts from the whole thing. its almost like stonehenge has been build by ikea! stonehenge was used for all sorts of pagan rituals, the pagans would gather around and to all kinds of drumming and changing and dance naked. they would dance around to get their message across to more powerful beings. it was kind of like occupy stonehenge. the druids were the predecessors of todays wiccans. you know, the witchy people with the crystals and the enya music. a lot of cats. they put handkerchiefs over the lamps in their house. you better not make fun of wiccans, the last time i did they put a curse on me and now i'm hosting this crap. the newly discovered pits at stonehenge are directly in the path of the sun so they must have been used as some sort of sun worship. archaeologists say these pits were around 500 years before the stones were put in. they are still debating how the stones were constructed. its pretty obvious if youve ever seen flintstones, they used a brontosaurus as a crane.'

* david sedaris

> jeff cesario

11-29-11

+ 'here at cbs we have had nonstop coverage of the events going on in teran', craig ferguson states, 'and by 'nonstop coverage' we mean the victoria's secret fashion show! take that, cnn with your fully clothed people and your wolf blitzer! apparently some of the cbs stations chose not to air the fashion show, they say its too racy. so for the people in the towns that didnt get to see the fashion show, i'll summarize it for you: boobies, boobies, more boobies, a little bit of ass. and then i turned on the tv to watch the fashion show! lets be honest, the whole fashion show is just an excuse to see women in their skivvies. come on, is underwear really fashion? i mean i think of fashion as a nice pair of pants, and a nice hat cocked to the side. and by that i mean a little had inside my pants... i suppose underwear as an expression of their individuality and style, and men just use it to cover up their junk so they dont get arrested. i dont require much from underwear, just so long as it protects my thighs from chaffing as i dance around the pole. but if i had to choose, i prefer cotton underwear because its soft and fluffy. its like dipping my balls in a cloud. i have been noticing that mens underwear have been getting smaller and smaller. a couple of weeks ago i tried on a thong and i havent been able to find it since! i think of g strings as the underwear version of whitney houston because they love crack.'

* michael connelly

- margaret cho

11-28-11

the geoff peterson replacement, chloe banderas (voiced by tom lennon) is back!

+ 'today of course is cyber monday, the biggest online shopping day of the year', craig shares, 'i enjoy the online shopping. my favorite part of online shopping is the convenience. my second favorite is typing with my penis! i learned on a typewriter though, so i thump really hard. cyber monday is like black friday, but its a little less stampedey. lets face it, online shopping is simple, you just point and click, its like shooting stray cats. i'm kidding, i'm kidding, i dont do that. anyway, theres some things you can get on black friday that you cant get on cyber monday, like getting pepper sprayed in the face! if you are online and you want to get pepper sprayed, you have to do it yourself- i did it twice already today! look, i just want to tell you, i dont shoot cats. you know this is true about that pepper stray, in l.a. on black friday a woman pepper sprayed some walmart shoppers who tried to cut in line. the police acted very fast and immediately hired her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the united states!'

- aisha tyler

= justin moore

wilford brimley!

after a long wait, wilford brimley finally comes to 'the late late show with craig ferguson'!  a while ago criag's wife thought she spotted wilford brimley at a local grocery store in hollywood.  craig mentioned it on the show that week, and ever since then he and geoff peterson have become quite obsessed with wilford!  determined to investigate further, craig booked wilford on the show as a guest!  well, he finally stopped by and chatted with our favorite late night host about whether it was him or not (spoiler: it was not).  it sure did make for a funny/awkward segment!  brimley if famous for disliking hollywood, so it was pretty funny to hear his grumpy ramblings about wanting to be far away from people.  strange...

the best part? wilford even wins the coveted golden mouth organ!

11-23-11

+ 'its the night before my favorite holiday!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'it is! its thanksgiving eve, i'm so excited! 'twas the night before thanksgiving and i'm out of breath, i've been in the kitchen all day cooking up meth! thats my thanksgiving poem, i always say that! i know people are like 'come on craig, cant you say something classy on this magical night?' all right then: 'twas the night before thanksgiving and the foods in the oven, and i'm in the bedroom performing self lovin'! it is the night before thanksgiving, unless you live in canada, in which case, thanksgiving was a few weeks ago, so enjoy your round bacon and your hockey, you heathen bastards! what the hell? thanksgiving weeks before we have it?!? thanksgiving is, of course, the day we give thanks. as a vulgar late night entertainer i have much to be thankful for this year. there was congressman anthony wiener who texted his wiener, there was gerard depardieu who got his wiener out on a plane, and arnold schwarzenegger who had his wiener professionally cleaned! the good thing about these holidays is that you can look at all the jokes through out the year and use them again! thank you comedy gods for this weineriffic bounty!'

- ty burrell

- wilford brimley he even wins himself the golden mouth organ!

11-22-11

+ 'the thing i'm most excited about is that today is the opening of the muppet movie', craig ferguson states, 'hurray! i feel a very strong connection to the muppet movie because i myself am just a puppet of a mighty corporation. anyway, its not your grandpa's muppet movie thought, its racy! its not rated 'G', its rated 'PG'! i think miss piggy must show a little bacon! a little bit of sizzle there, maybe. i remember back in the 70's the muppet movie had tons of celebrity cameos. there was richard pryor, bob hope, milton berle, dom de luise, orson wells. the lesson here is of course, if you appear in a muppet movie, you die! i'm kidding, the new muppet movie has a lot of celebrity cameos. its easier to list who's not in it than who's in it. who's not in it is me and corey feldman. i'm just kidding, corey feldman is in it. the late jim henson, of course, was the creator of the muppets. he also created iconic characters for other movies. he did the teenage mutant ninja turtles, the dark crystal movie, the 80's movie 'the labyrinth'. that one creature in the labyrinth really freaked me out, what was it again? thats right, david bowie. the word muppet, of course, is a combination of marionette and puppet. just like the word mobster is a combination of the words man and lobster. that means all of us have the capacity to end organized crime by simply dipping our local crime boss in butter and devouring his yumminess.'

- jason segal

- eliza coupe