2-27-12

+ 'so, the oscars were last night', craig ferguson states, 'but in heterosexual news, yesterday was the daytona 500.  it was supposed to be yesterday but it got rained out.  its the first time in history that has ever happened.  anyway, over the weekend mit romney went to daytona.  i think he was collecting motor oil for his hair, but he wanted to give the idea that he is a regular dude, not a rich fat cat thats made of money.  and this is true, he said to a reporter 'i dont follow nascar closely, but i have great friends who are nascar team owners'.  dont you even want to win this thing?  it didnt help that he shouted it out of a golden helicopter as well.  the other presidental candidate doesnt even pretend to like nascar, he's against any activity where dudes can rear end each other.'
+ 'fruits and veggies' a silent film making fun of the oscar winner 'the artist'
- eric idle
- sarah paulson

2-24-12

+ 'i'm feeling a little woozy. you know why?' craig ferguson asks, 'because i've got oscar fever!  there's only one cure for oscar fever, and thats stripping naked and singing 'there's no business like show business!'  the oscars are on sunday night.  this town needs the oscars, its the one time all year that hollywood stars can stop being humble and pat themselves on the back...  i dont give a rats ass about the oscars, everyone here goes cockahoop though.  if you are in town this weekend, good luck finding a botox shop open!  during the oscars all the streets are empty, the whole town shuts down, people are locked in their houses and its deathly quiet.  the only other time that happens in l.a. is during a light rain shower.  'its coming right for us!'  this year's oscars will definitely better than last year because billy crystal is back.  thank goodness billy is back!  we love you billy!  everyone is happy that billy crystal is back, even people who dont like the oscars.  al quida is happy that billy crystal is back!  they released a new tape and said 'i hated james franco, i am so glad billy is back! its like james franco didnt even want to be there.  oh, by the way, death to america.'  i dont have a dog in this oscar fight, i dont care who wins or looses.  i dont think we should judge actors on how well they pretend to be someone else, we should judge them on things that are important, like their clothes and their sex tapes.'
+ a glorious return of the rather late programme with prince charles
- john waters
- jennifer carpenter

2-23-12

+ 'actually, its not such a great day today if you have to buy gasoline', craig ferguson states, 'and some of us do!  record high gas prices lately.  the high gas prices is terrible and its an election year so both sides are trying to turn it into a political issue.  the republicans are blaming comrade obama, and the democrats are saying it was that cowboy bush.  i'm like, calm down everybody, do what i do with the gas situation, blame the dog...  anyway, the obama administration is blaming the gas prices on unrest in the middle east.  i think thats smart, because how long can violent chaos last in the middle east?  its bound to clear up any day!  here in l.a. gas prices have gone up so much i might have to go back to huffing paint.  i go to the gas station everyday, not to fill up the tank, i just like to drizzle myself with the water from the squeegees!  i understand that oil is a part of the american way of life: driving the open road, eating apple pie, getting it on under a snuggie. and petroleum products make all that possible.  gasoline in our cars, natural gas in our ovens, vasoline under our... oh, nevermind.  personally, i am always on the look out for a more cost effective way to commute.  i'm always looking for an excuse to rollerblade!'
- malin akerman
* jon ronson

2-22-12

+ 'here's the thing on everyone's mind', craig ferguson states, 'test tube hamburgers!  yeah, thats me, the willie lohman of late night, i'm going to try and sell you this one!  test tube hamburgers, we have have finally figured out how to make meat in test tubes.  there's an article about it in 'the telegraph'.  thats a british news paper, a classy newspaper.  they dont just hack celebrities phones, they would hack downton abbey- thats how classy they are!  'i say, lady mary has a problem with a dead turkish gentleman'  'what should we do?' 'usher him away...'  what i'm saying is this is big news for scientists and hamburgers- two of my favorite things!  dutch scientists say what they have done is they have created artificial meat from stem cells, and in about 8 months they will have a complete hamburger patty.  when i first heard this i was shocked, i though 'there are dutch scientists?!?'  thats got to be uncomfortable working in a lab with those giant wooden shoes on!  'cant walk over to microscope... must put finger in dike...'  there are still a lot of questions about this artificial hamburger though: is it healthy? does it go well with cheese?  can david hasselhoff eat it from the floor?  unfortunately this artificial hamburger technology is not perfected.  to make a complete patty, scientists say it will cost 400,000 dollars per burger.  so the first ten have already been ordered by mit romney.'
# carson kressley

2-21-12

+ 'today is marti gras', craig ferguson shares, 'which is french for 'fat tuesday'.  thats right, marti is tuesday, gras is gross, fat.  it makes sense.  unfortunately we are so politically correct these days you cant say 'fat tuesday', you have to say 'big boned day after monday'.  the parties in new orleans went crazy today, lots of food and drink.  i think new orleans, i have to say, i think they have the best food in america.  personally, i like the crawfish.  i remember when i was there a local guy told me how to eat crawfish, he said 'you have to suck the head and pinch the tail.  so i did that, and later i went out and had some crawfish.  you know how everyone throws the beads on mari gras?  well, the guys do.  the beads are paid for by select groups of local businessmen, you know, they ride on elaborate floats and toss trinkets to the desperate masses.  which is, coincidentally, mit romney's economic plan...  now remember, throwing beads at a woman expecting her to flash her boobies works at marti gras, but only marti gras!  i learned that the hard way.  thats why i can never go back to red lobster...'
* bill maher
- eloise mumford

2-20-12

+ 'i dont know if you were watching the show friday and you have been sitting there all weekend waiting for me to come back', craig ferguson shares, 'ive still got my cold.  i had a cold on friday and i thought it would go away over the weekend, but it hasnt.  its been a very bad cold and i had to lay in bed all weekend, and i've done some pretty bad things.  first of all i wanted to catch up on some movies i had never seen before.  so my son and i watched goonies.  i had never seen goonies.  anyway, there is a line in it, you know in the movie when they fall through the thing and they fall in the ship and its all 'ahh!'?  then the little asian kid when 'i'm tired of falling, i'm tired of yelling, and i'm tired of skeletons!'  i went 'thats like my life!!!'  then later on last night i was pretty tired and feeling a bit ill, so i watched 'hellboy' on cable.  you know hellboy? its a great movie with all the monsters and all that.  i guess i was feeling a bit mad, because what i did was i went on twitter and put 'hellboy is greater than x-men'  twitter went crazy!  i didnt care, i was like 'ha, screw you guys!' then my wife saw it...  so now i have to apologize and say that x-men is better than hellboy.  but its not!'
- jayma mays
* jean-michel cousteau

2-17-12

+ 'it is a fantastic day for me, not only do i have my cold medicine coarsing through my veins, but there is a new movie opening today that i have been looking forward to all year', craig ferguson admits, 'now, i come out here on fridays and i'm like 'oh there's a movie opening that i'm excited about it' and most of the time i am lying my ass off, but not today!  i am very excited about this one, its going to win a ton of oscars.  its a little film called 'ghost rider: spirit of vengeance'!!!  hurrah!  some people say that the first ghost rider did not need a sequel.  these people are called 'correct'.  but this one should be great.  i've seen the trailer, in the trailer, i'm not making this up, he pees fire!  fire!  he pees fire!!!  actually, i know what that's like a little bit... that's not the spirit of vengeance, that's the spirit of the clap...  i mean, its got to be a great movie.  does anyone in 'the artist' pee fire? i think not, they are just being whimsical.  take that whimsical french poofs!  ghost rider, i know what you are thinking, when will hollywood stop making these chick flicks?  i don't know.  now, if you don't know ghost rider, he's not a ghost, he's just a bad ass with a flaming skull.  a flaming skull is how you let people know you are a bad ass.  it is!  that's why i sewed one on my fanny pack.  you know the original idea for geoff peterson was from the first ghost rider movie.  i loved it so much i asked grant imahara from mythbusters to make me a flaming skeleton.  i should have been more specific... he's flamin' alright...'
- margaret cho
- simon helberg

2-16-12

+ 'its a great day for the entire world', craig ferguson states, 'everyone is breathing a little easier today, the stand off between the united states and its mortal enemy is finally over.  i'm not talking about iran, that stand off is still in progress, teran is still cranking out nukes like malibu cranks out kardashians.  are kardashians from malibu?  i think they started off in malibu, but now they are everywhere, they are kind of like tribbles.  no, i'm talking about the stand off between america, the good guys, and these monsters to the north we call canadians!  let me explain, for years the american daredevil nik wallenda has wanted to walk the tight rope over the niagra falls.  the officials in new york quickly granted him the necessary permits.  why?  because we are american and love freedom and dangerous pointless stunts!  but the canadians were refusing to allow the stunt until today!  the canadians only granted him permission today.  i think they were afraid because they have the free health care, that if the guy falls on their side they are bankrupt!  i hope they take the tight rope down, because after he's done thats a wide open door for other canadians to sneak over the tight rope into america!'
- jeffrey tambor
- amy smart

alex and bridger at the zoo

craig ferguson recently tried to hook up a couple of his employees.  bridger, who had been an intern with the show for a while but recently was hired on as a line producer, and another intern named alex were brought up during the opening segment of the show.  craig has been trying to get the two of them together.  they are both short and red heads, so obviously they should go out right?  that was craigs thinking as he invited them to go out on a date together to the l.a. zoo.  on the show they did a segment where the two of them were at the zoo in front of the flamingos.  craig has recently been on a kick of talking about flamingos and how much they smell, so this bit focused pretty heavily on the terrible stink of those pink birds.  alex and bridger, obviously not hitting it off as craig had suspected, are attacked by the lawn ornaments with bridger falling victim to their attacks and alex walking off annoyed...  maybe the two of them can make it work anyway?

2-15-12

+ 'i was a bit nervous this morning', craig ferguson admits, 'today is the day of my annual physical.  i went to my doctor, he's a very old fashioned country doctor. and by that i mean he uses leeches.  they are his receptionists.  no no, i just took a lot of drugs today.  no, not really.  i've had this doctor for years, so he's seen me go from unemployed actor to unemployed actor with a talk show in the middle of the night.  earlier today he gave me the exam, and yes, the rumors are true: i'm pregnant!  so far the tests aren't back, but i got a clean bill of health. he gave me the blood test, the lung test, the 'finger' test... i get them all every year, except the finger test, i get that every week.  sometimes by a doctor!  anyway, before the finger test, this is true, before the finger test he checks out your junk to make sure everything is where its supposed to be.  now, i'm european, if you know what i'm saying.  certain parts of my body are different from many american born men.  lets just say my captain wears his cap to dinner...  my doctor, you know, has seen this before, but today he looks at it and says 'you know, i could fix that up for you'  i ask 'what do you mean?'  'you know, tidy it up'.  i'm like 'leave it alone!'  he did the finger test and he said that my prostate is a little enlarged but that's normal for a man your age.  i said 'i don't think its enlarged, i think it just gets enlarged because of what you are doing right now!'
- jon cryer
- morena baccarin

2-14-12

+ 'its valentine's day, everybody', criag ferguson states, 'yes, its valentines. to the love birds out there, happy valentines day, to single folks out there, congratulations on not wasting money on overpriced garbage.  and to our studio audience, i wrote a poem.  here it is: roses are red, daisies are white, i'm sorry you didn't get in to the price is right.  i would give you some valentines tips, but if you are watching this show, clearly your valentines went poorly...  you know what i find insensitive?  that sports illustrated put out their swimsuit issue out today- on valentines day!  that doesn't seem appropriate.  this magazine full of photographs of busty young women- not today!  that's like handing out free bacon on passover!  its not the time!'
- betty white comes out to make a proposal
= joss stone and dave stewart

2-13-12

+ 'it is a great day for america's favorite plastic doll: ryan seacrest.' craig ferguson corrects 'no no, the original barbie debuted on this day in 1959.  the original barbie is now worth ten thousand dollars!  you know what that means?  i have got eighty grand on my night stand!  thank you, gentleman callers!  i'm very excited today, and not just because of barbie, i'm excited about barbie every single day!  today and tomorrow in new york city is the event i look forward to all year:  the westminster dog show!  there are many dog shows of course, but westminster is the big one.  its the oscars of dog shows.  the westminster dog show and the oscars are very different of course, one is nothing but yapping and butt sniffing, and the other is the dog show...'
- carol burnett
# phil keoghan

2-10-12

+ 'its friday!  but not any old friday', craig ferguson shares, 'there's a bunch of movies opening today.  so many, i might be overwhelmed and spend the whole weekend on the couch eating ice cream.  thats what i do when i am overwhelmed.  and when i'm underwhelmed.  and when i'm just whelmed.  one of the movies opening today is star wars: episode 1 in 3D.  there are a lot of people excited about that, i am not.  'now in 3D: jar jar binks crapping all over star wars!'  to be fair though, i bet star wars is different in 3D, the action comes right at you, the special effects make your head spin, the robots are even gayer!  you know the 3D effects are so realistic you can actually see george lucas coming out of the screen and reaching out to take the money from your wallet!'
- chelsea handler
# dan riskin

2-09-12

+ 'its a great day, of course, for sir paul mccartney', craig ferguson shares, 'just a few hours ago in hollywood he finally got his star on the hollywood walk of fame.  i cant believe he didnt already have one!  and after getting his star on hollywood boulevard, paul mccartney played a couple songs from his new album which is called 'kisses on the bottom'.  thats true!  which are also avalible on hollywood boulevard.  you tell em' i sent you and you will also get a yellow submarine!'
- lisa kudrow
= weird al yankovic sings and talks to craig!

bag of quarters

when a guest is done on the late late show with craig ferguson, they are offered an option on how they would like to end their time: awkward pause, mouth organ, or go for the big cash prize.  usually the guests go for the big cash prize, which is a stack of fifty singles that they can win.  recently though, the stack of singles has been replaced with a bag full of quarters!  why the change?  well, craig explains the new money bag when he offers it to 'NCIS' star mark harmon: 'we have the big cash prize which is fifty dollars in quarters!  and you know its real because its in a sack with a dollar sign on it!  CBS just decided that if i give out the prize in quarters there's more chance the celebrities will give it back!  i've just been giving out 50 dollars in singles and everybody is like 'awesome!' and they are out of here.  and then the agents are like 'hey, five of that's mine! five of that's mine!'

2-08-12

+ 'it's boy scout day today', craig ferguson shares, 'yes!  this is the big day if you are a boy scout, the boy scouts were founded 102 years ago this very day.  the real boy scout slogan is 'do a good turn daily' which is kind of vague.  what does it mean?  do i just turn like this?  i think i just got a merit badge in 'fierce'!  i was briefly a member of the boy scouts when i was ten years old.  my dad signed me up, he said the boy scouts would be something for us to share together.  he dropped me off a meeting and said 'let me know how it goes'. oh laugh at my pain.  in scotland the scout masters had the exact same uniforms as the boys, you know, the same shorts, the same badges, the same canteen filled with whiskey!  i went to a boy scout camp the short time i was there, it was a place called windy ridge.  we were sleeping in sleeping bags and it was so cold, i was a little nervous, i had never been away from home before, and i peed my sleeping bag.  this is true, in a weird twist of fate, the pee escaped from my sleeping bag.  i dont want to be too graphic about it, but the pee landed on the sleeping bag of the boy sleeping next to me in the tent.  so it would appear that he had peed his sleeping bag, when i knew all the time it was me!  so when i woke up i did what any boy scout would do: i blamed him for peeing on himself!  and for the rest of the trip everyone called him mr. peebody.  and years later i won the peabody award for talking to desmond tutu about doing the right thing even when no one is looking!  its so ironic!  thats true!'
- christina applegate
# brad goreski

2-07-12

+ 'of course most of you will be tuned in tonight to hear today's big story and have me talk about it so i will and i will be happy to', craig ferguson admits, 'it is of course, the birthday of charles dickens.  what the hell?!?  and i didnt get him anything!  if charles dickens were still alive, he would be 200 years old today.  of course, he's dead.  he died last october.  it was a hot air balloon accident, his mustache caught fire.  it was terribly sad, yet hilarious!  isnt that dickens all over?  today in london there was a very touching ceremony to honor charles dickens in west minster abby where he is burried.  the actor ralph finnes read one of his books aloud.  because who better to honor charles dickens than voldemort!  perfect!  after that prince charles laid a wreath on his grave.  charles dickens wrote so many iconic novels, he wrote oliver twist, great expectations, tale of two cities, some of the best books ever written really.  he wrote 'the girl with the dragon tattoo', that was dickens.  he originally called it 'the lass with the serpentine bussom'.  see, dickens wrote in a very unique style because a lot of his stuff was published in monthly installments and he would get paid by the word, so he would write more words so he would get paid more.  makes sense.  so he wouldn't write 'the man went up the stares', he would right 'mr. crumblydumbly went up the crickldy dickledy staircase one humbly dimbly step at a time'.  that's fifty bucks right there!  i wish i got payed by the word out here, but they would just take it away every time i cussed, so i'd be broke.'
- kenneth branagh
> chad daniels

2-06-12

+ 'congratulations, of course, to the new york giants', craig ferguson exclaims, 'it was a great game.  i also liked the half time show with madonna.  she came in carried by an army of muscle bound dudes.  its a good thing she wasn't carried in by the patriots or they would have dropped her!  madonna played a bunch of her hits, she was alright, she was pretty good... i tell ya, that british dude can really sing!  you know what i could have done without though? MIA giving the crowd the finger.  i was like 'what are you doing?!?' this is outrageous, you dont use the finger or use expletives, thats for performers who aren't confident in their own abilities... or possibly have a really atrocious writing staff!  i'm a little concerned thought that we are running out of top shelf music acts for the half time shows.  we've had U2, we had springsteen, prince, a couple years ago we had paul mccartney.  everyone today was talking about the commercials.  remember that one with david beckham in his underwear?  i never quite figured out what that one was for.  i'm thinking it was for some kind of sausage...  at first i thought it was a psa warning about the dangers of plum smuggling... i've watched it like 20 times and i still dont know what it was for.'
- mark harmon
- martha plimpton

2-03-12

+ 'everyone is counting down the hours until super bowl 46', craig ferguson states, 'or as its officially known, super bowl XLVI.  why do they do that?  i guess because football fans really love deciphering mathematics from ancient things.  its a great match up, of course, the new york giants versus the new england patriots, its a rematch of the unforgettable super bowl 44.  unforgettable because it ended with me sobbing cause i forgot to dvr the puppy bowl on animal planet!  sometimes i wish they would combine the super bowl with the puppy bowl.  i think a lot of people would love to see dogs going after michael vick!  the big reason people love the super bowl is because of the food!  its a great time for eating pizza, burgers, chips and dip.  there's your four food groups right there!  people go all out with the snacks on super bowl sunday.  this year i am making a replica of the palace of versailles out of bologna!  it will be difficult to top last years snack though, when i made the ham-pire state building!  this year's game is expected to be the biggest game in tv history.  so remember car thieves, sunday night is your best bet to get out there and work!'
- rachel bilson
* jonathan ames

2-02-12

+ 'its a great day for mitt romney, or course', craig ferguson states, 'he was endorsed by donald trump.  it was a split decision though, the thing on trump's head endorsed gingrich!  anyway, the thing on trumps head isnt the only groundhog in the news, it is of course groundhog day today.  punxatawney phil saw his shadow, predicting six more weeks of winter.  a groundhog is not an accurate weather predictor.  its just not true.  a groundhog knows about as much about weather as mitt romney knows about poor people.  as wikipedia knows about fact checking.  as david hasselhoff knows about eating a hamburger from a table.  as herman cain and bill clinton know about abstinence.  now if you dont know what a groundhog is, its a big rodent.  its the same as a woodchuck.  so when you hear 'how much wood would a woodchuck chuck' its actually referring to a groundhog.  and the answer is of course, lots and lots of wood.  like a party at elton john's house.'
- daniel radcliffe
> mark forward

2-01-12

+ 'not such a great day for mitt romney', craig ferguson shares, 'he won in florida yesterday and then he went and put his foot in his mouth.  he said in an interview today, and i quote, 'i'm not that concerned about the very poor'.  isn't anybody even trying to win this?!?  to be fair, to mitt romney, the very poor is anyone who doesn't use a solid gold toilet.  he's very rich.  anyway, newt gingrich came in second yesterday, but he has vowed to stay in the race.  he has said 'i'm staying in the race no matter what'.  people are comparing him to hillary clinton in 2008.  well, hillary clinton and newt gingrich are very similar, both spent the 90's trying to find out who bill was sleeping with...  they are very similar, and i think they both have the same tailor.'
- william shatner
- kathryn hahn

1-31-12

+ 'if you are like me, you've probably been playing close attention to the big story', craig ferguson admits, 'and the results are in, tonight was a big game changer: yes, it was the best episode of glee yet!  i'm talking about the big florida primary, it was mitt romney vs. newt gingrich.  we are live of course, so congratulations... big winner.  it was probably mitt romney, which is too bad really cause it means rick santorum is out of the race.  santorum says that gingrich is too hot, and romney is too cold, but he's the goldilocks candidate.  and i'm thinking 'yeah, nothing gets voters more excited than comparing yourself to tepid porridge.  politicians have to reach a lot of people in florida, its a very diverse population.  you've got old people there, and then really old people!  that's why the third place in today's primary when to bunion cream!  the republican nomination process still has a long way to go, the winner today gets 50 delegates, but you need 1100 to win the nomination.  and if you get 10,000 points you get three stars on level 8.  wait, that's angry birds, isn't it?  i'll get you yet, helmet pig!'
= ringo starr

1-30-12

+ 'i'm glad to be back', craig ferguson shares, 'last week i was out doing stand up.  well, i call it stand up, but its just talking.  i was in the south in the midwest.  i always love going out on the road, but its a bit insulting when you see people in the front row trying to change the channel!  i'm like 'i'm right here!'  'its like he's in the room' 'i am in the room!' 'where's fallon?'.  i stayed in some great hotels while i was on the road, and none of them were haunted.  except one!  i cant tell you which one, but it was the hotel deco in omaha nebraska!  it was haunted!  the hotel deco is listed on the national register of historic places, and soon they will be adding a plaque that says 'craig ferguson crapped his pants here!'  i want to be clear, the staff was great, the hotel was fine, it was very friendly.  there was a woman who was standing out front as i was checking in, and she said 'you know this hotel is haunted!'  i told the elevator guy that the woman out there says the place is haunted and he said 'you know, there hasnt been a woman out there in 20 years!'  then i'm in the right place!'
- don cheadle
- andrea riseborough

1-20-12

+ 'this weekend is a very big one in hollywood, its the first big award show of the year', craig ferguson states, 'the ceremony where the world gathers to honor those who have made us laugh, who have made us cry, who has helped us masturbate.  its the porno awards this weekend!  i shouldnt call them the porno awards.  porno is a derogatory term, it implies a negative value judgement.  the proper word in erotica.  anyway, this weekend's show is called the avn awards because they are sponsored by the adult video news.  thats the adult industry's paper of record.  its like newsweek for guys in trench coats.  it would be great to be a reporter for the adult video news, that would be great!  'this just in... and out... and in again!'.'
- larry the cable guy
= 3 doors down

1-19-12

+ 'today in park city, utah, the sundance film festival began', craig ferguson shares, 'its the only thing in the world that makes utah more white.  what a great time to be a utahan.  do you know, i've been to park city before.  if you are driving to park city, utah from los angeles, you actually pass through a town called beaver.  thats true!  i always get stuck in beaver, there is so much to see!  i mean, you get up close to beaver and you think 'well, theres not much going on here', then you get inside and went 'woa!  whats all this?!?  who would have thought there was all this from the outside?'  the film makers go there to raise money for the films.  they raise money the old fashioned way: they sell weapons and stuff.  investors go there to look for films.  i've been in this game, when you are trying to raise money for independent film, you mean a lot of shady guys from eastern europe...  sundance isnt really about the movies these days, its more a kind of party atmosphere.  one of the regulars is paris hilton.  i like paris, she's a nice girl, but he's not really a representative of fine cinema.  although, she did that one movie that i rather enjoyed, i rented it accidentally a couple times...  you know, that one where... ah... house of wax, that one!'
> steven wright
- sara paxton

1-18-12

+ 'did you watch the american idol tonight?' craig ferguson asks, 'i did!  the first couple episodes of american idol are usually the highest rated of the season because there is something magical about people who have dreams beyond their talent go on national talent and having those dreams crushed...  thats not the only reason people watch american idol, theres also the new judges, and i love them.  i dont think i would be a good judge, i was a musician, but i was a crap musician.  the core of my distaste for american idol, which i do have, is that it teaches the wrong things to the kids.  it teaches aspiring singers a dangerous lesson:  that you need someone elses permission to persue your dreams.  you dont.  and whats worse, that karaoke is cool.  its not.  if you want to be a singer, then sing!  you dont need to ask someone.  to me, singing is like masturbation: you should do it every day in the shower!  american idol assumes being a music star is all about pure vocal ability, and that is just not true.  you also need a certain amount of je ne sais quoi.  'je ne sais quoi' is a french term that means boobies.'
- david duchovny
* dr. sanjay gupta

1-16-12

+ 'earlier tonight on fox, i was watching it, was the new show alcatraz', craig ferguson shares, 'you know, the show about the legendary san francisco prison.  the only prison in the world with less man on man action inside the prison that is going on in the town outside...  alcatraz isn't really a good name for a prison outside of san francisco, if you are going to have a prison in san francisco, you should call it 'sing sing!'  anyway, the new show about alcatraz, the prisoners are out terrorizing the city and they haven't aged a day.  no, its jj abrams who is behind this, he's terrific.  he did 'lost' and the new 'star trek' movie, so the prisoners are probably ghosts or clones or something like that.  although i have to say, scientists, if you are watching this show, and i know you do, do not clone dinosaurs or prisoners.  don't do it!  cloning technology is getting more advanced.  scottish scientists invented it.  it was invented in edinburgh university they invented cloning.  and the first thing they cloned, rather embarrassingly, was a sheep!  the scientist said 'i have just invented cloning, everybody!  well done me!  any ideas what we should clone first?'  'i've got an idea...'.'
- lucy liu
- kevin sorbo

1-13-12

+ 'hey, do you like the disney cartoons?' craig ferguson asks, 'neither do i! i'm just kidding, i do.  i like disney cartoons, they are warm and soothing, like bathing in a bath of fresh oatmeal.  i had to do that last month when i had shingles!  thats how you do it, i had shingles and thats how you get rid of them.  you lie in a big bath of oatmeal.  the kids are still eating the leftovers.  'dad, it tastes shingly!' 'ah, eat your shingle porridge you wee bastards! when i was your age shingle porridge was a delicacy served only to the royals!'  anyway, what i'm saying about the disney cartoons, the classic is being rereleased today.  its not winnie the pooh, which i loved, but its beauty and the beast thats coming out.  this time its coming in 3D!  all the songs and romance you remember, plus the expense of doubly expensive tickets and glasses covered in bacteria!
- kristen bell
> louis anderson

1-12-12

+ 'not a great day if you like the yoga', craig ferguson admits, 'you know the yoga?  the practice of physical and spiritual and mental discipline from india?  well, now the new york times says in an article that yoga can be dangerous.  ah, yoga is not dangerous.  next thing you know they will be telling us that other pleasant things are dangerous, like scrap booking and heroin.  anyway, the new york times article says that yoga related injuries are on the rise.  what happens is that people spend all day in chairs at work and then they twist themselves into a pretzel during yoga and expect it to be easy and hurt themselves.  its like if you were a brainless action star your whole life, and then trying to go out and govern the state of california.  see that?  thats your topical humor! how long has he been out of office?  two years now?  thats what we do here, we do the late night show with all the topical stuff in the news!'
- hugh laurie he talks and sings!

ass mode

ever wondered why the tweet mail jingles on 'the late late show with craig ferguson' always seems to include the term 'ass mode'?  well, craig finally provides an answer:  an email craig read on the air asked 'dear mr. ferguson and geoff peterson, you seem to take a lot of interest in philosophy, do you live by any particular philosophy?'  craig responds 'yes i do: ass mode.  right geoff?'
'that's right, ass mode is a way of life' geoff responds.
'ass mode is a way of life.  when you see on the tweet mail jingle when it goes 'ass mode' people are like 'what does it mean?' i'll tell you what it means.  what does it mean geoff?'
'it means its a way of life' geoff retorts.
later, when hugh laurie is on the show, he asks 'well, i didnt exactly come here with a list of questions, but i came with one: what is 'ass mode'?  i ask it on behalf of everyone, i think'.
'and i answer you', craig states, 'by saying: geoff?'
geoff responds with 'ass mode is a way of life.'

1-11-12

+ 'it is a great day for mitt romney', craig ferguson shares, 'last night he won the new hampshire primary.  so, congratulations, establishment cyborg!  people are being inspired by his bland diction and gorgeous hair.  now, romney's win means he gets seven delegates and a wagon full of maple syrup.  now, its on to south carolina where the winner gets a hog and a gamecock.  its the south carolina school mascot, i googled it eariler today.  mitt romney, sure he looks like a decent enough guy.  oh, of course, he's a corporate vampire who bought companies only to suck the profit out only to leave behind closed factories and ruined lives, but he made an ass load of cash doing it, and now owns four houses, so it all worked out in the end.  whats amazing, though, is that all of romney's opponents in the GOP are going after him for being the head of a venture capital firm.  i'm like 'republicans attacking a guy for making money on the free market?'  thats like clinton criticizing an intern program- thats crazy!'
- adam goldberg
- mercedes masohn

1-10-12

+ 'its a great day if you like the gadgets', craig ferguson states, 'today was the start of the 2012 consumer electronics show, ces.  you know, were the humans blend with technology, its held every year in las vegas.  geoff and i got married there, remember?  thats the night this human blended with technology.  vegas is going through some rough times right now, the economy is bad.  the economy is so bad in vegas, louis anderson got a second job as a bouncy castle.  the economy is so bad in vegas, the bellagio replaced the dancing waters with a fat guy holding a hose.  anyway, this year at the consumer electronic show, everyone is talking about the voice control tv.  its tv that you control with your voice!  instead of the back braking work of pressing a button on the remote!  instead of the tedious endless exercise of clicking a button, you can now just yell 'kardashians!' at the tv!  be careful though, if you yell 'kloe', you'll get animal planet...'
* isaac mizrahi
- sophia bush

1-09-12

+ 'there was a big season premier last night', craig ferguson shares, 'did you see it?  it was downton abbey.  its the british soap opera thats getting very popular.  its like an american soap opera but without all the straight teeth.  its on pbs, i'm not sure what that stands for, probably british stuff.  what i'm saying is that downton abbey is on pbs, which means its classy, which probably means you havent seen it.  if you didnt see the first season of downton abbey, i'll do a quick recap for you: 'i say, lady.  how dare you!  kiss me, fatha! war has been declared!'  thats about it.  downton abbey takes place in the north of england, in yorkshire.  with all the lords and ladies and butlers and all the cooks all live together in a country estate.  i have to admit, i like to look at all the outfits.  all those big tight corsets, the flowing dresses, and when i'm finished picking my clothes for the evening, i turn on the tv and watch downton abbey.  i grew up in britain, so i had my fill of the whole class division thing, so i didnt watch downton abbey over the weekend, but i did watch the republican debate.  and one of the candidates said there are no classes in america.  and then that topic was hotly debated by all six rich white guys who were there'.
- howie mandel
= randy houser

1-06-12

+ 'you know that horror movie is opening today, 'the devil inside'.' craig ferguson shares, 'that looks scary!  and you know, if you take the word devil and spell it backwards it says 'lived'.  yeah, its not that creepy.  listen, the movie is about an exorcism and the movie is based on true events.  which is kind of like the label on cheese dips that says 'this item is based on actual cheese'.  this movie is based on an exorcism, it better have a cool twist, because that territory has been pretty well covered by 'the exorcist'.  which i actually never saw.  i meant to, i was on the way to the theater, but was distracted by a movie called 'the sexorcist'.  the same thing happened when i went to go see 'chitty chitty bang bang'.  in the new movie the devil gives all his minions a tattoo on the inside of their lip, which is ridiculous.  everyone knows what the dark lord of the underworld gives his minions: a law degree!'
- michael clarke duncan
- laura prepon

1-05-12

+ 'its an important time for the nation', craig ferguson shares, 'earlier tonight, people of every race and religion stopped what they were doing.  washington d.c. politicians put aside their differences for one hour, because tonight is the season premier of 'the jersey shore'.  if you dont know what that is because you are 'too classy', then imagine its like downton abbey if everyone vomited on each other.  'i say, lord percy, blahhh!'  so its season five, started tonight.  its about damn time because season four only finished about two months ago.  i love the whole cast, you know: snookie, the situation, j wow, spuds, corky, tito, regis...  i've never watched it.  i dont have time to watch crappy tv, i'm too busy making crappy tv!  i actually did see the jersey shore once, it was the one where that dude hit the other dude, then there was some hooking up, and then they had to solve a mystery by examining the semen stains on the wall.  wait, thats CSI isnt it?'
- tom selleck
- daniela ruah

1-04-12

+ 'its a great day if you like undersea creatures', craig ferguson states, 'and who doesn't like undersea creatures?  jerks!  you know who you are!  no, i'll tell you why, cause near antartica, scientists just discovered new undersea creatures.  one of them is being called the hairy chested yeti crab.  i always thought yeti crabs was what you get after having sex with a yeti, but not true!  not anymore!  actually, that's not true, you don't get anything after having sex with bigfoot.  not even a phone call!  there is another creature called the seven armed sea star, and the ghost pale octopus.  i dont know how these so called scientists name real animals after real stuff: yeti crab, ghost pale octopus.  that's crap.  you cant name real species after made up things.  before you know it, they will be discovering the female orgasm platypus!  its a joke, relax.  you know what a platypus is, right?  its like a beaver, but australian.  it goes around the other way...'
- rza
- melissa rauch

True or not true!

it seems that craig ferguson came up with a new bit for the show!  he was sitting down at his desk the other night, answering emails.  he got a tweet from aaron is sacramento, which got craig going on sacramento.  he said 'this tweet is from aaron is sacramento california, the capitol of the state of california is in sacramento.  thats the very town where governor scharzenegger did to the state of california what he did to his maid while he was married.  true or not true?  oh! thats a new bit for the show, i've just invented it!  geoff, we've got a new bit!  its awesome!  its called 'true or not true'!'  craig then progresses to go through a few different examples of 'true or not true'.  craig continues 'you know what?  i'm pretty sure that by the end of the week we will have a graphic for 'true or not true'!'  actually, craig has a graphic, admittedly pretty lame, by the end of the show!  wow, those graphics people sure work quick!

7 years of craig!

'so tonight is the seventh anniversary of this show!  i was thinking 'have we been doing this show seven years?'  well, yeah, thats why they call it an anniversary!  what i did, i thought this would be fun, i thought we could take a look at the very first show!  what we did is we thought people would want to see how this show has progressed over the years.  so what we did was i went down to the cbs basement today.  that is code, by the way...  so, geoff and i were rummaging around in the basement today and we found the very first show!'
craig then proceeds to show a 'clip' of the first show.  its not actually the first show though, but rather a recreation of it.  craig, dressed up in a terrible black wig, red blazer, and piano key tie, makes some lame jokes about topical events from seven years ago.  the best part was that geoff peterson was there- but not the robot skeleton we have all grown to love.  instead, the guy who does his voice was standing at the podium bantering with craig!  geoff talked about how he had plans that weekend to go skydiving and offered 'if i die you can always reanimate my lifeless corpse with robot parts!'
later that night, craig talks about his anniversary again:  'its a great day for this show, for us today, its the seventh anniversary for this show!  this very night!  the show's age has finally reached the age of the audience's maturity level!  and the network gave me, thank you to cbs, they gave me the traditional anniversary gift of nothing.  nothing!  not a thing!  not even a fucking phone call!  i'm not kidding!!!'

1-03-12

+ 'i hope you all had a great holiday', craig ferguson states, 'i, for the holiday period, went to scotland.  i enjoy going back to the country where i was born.  it must be what its like to be barak obama visiting kenya.  relax, its a joke!  i know he's not from kenya!  while i was in scotland, the world said goodbye to one of the last old school dictators kim jung il.  goodnight, crazy lesbian.  we've talked about him all the time, now that he's gone, i dont know what we will do now, we'll have to resort to something crazy like original material!  the new ruler of north korea is kim jung il's son.  thats an amazing coincidence- the elections must have gone very quickly!'
- carrie fisher
- matthew gray gubler

1-02-12

+ 'happy new year!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'i hope you all had a good time, i was in scotland for new years.  its called 'hogmanay' in scotland.  now, some people think hogmanay comes from the northern french word meaning 'new year's gift', but actually its the sound you make when you throw up a bottle of champagne!  for the new year many people make resolutions, its a good idea to share with your coworkers so you will be motivated.  this year geoff and i made resolution to make this show less filthy and more intellectual.  ha ha ha!  yeah, right!  personally, resolutions make me want to do something more!  if i make a resolution i go 'argh, i'm not going to do it', which makes me really want to do it!  i dont like anyone telling me what to do, even if its me telling me what to do!  a couple years ago my big resolution was to spend part of every day learning spanish, that was my big resolution.  and it was over by... whats the spanish word for 'mid-january'?  so this year i'm just avoiding the whole thing so nobody is el disapointo.'
- tim meadows
= eliza doolittle
> myq kaplan

12-23-11

tonight's episode is totally devoted to emails!  craig ferguson starts a new christmas tradition and welcomes all kinds of guests to come and answer emails with him.  at one point he tries to pawn off geoff peterson to johnny galecki, getting double gifts with jason segel for being half jewish, half gentile, and just the usual goofiness with his ol' skeleton robot sidekick.

12-22-11

+ 'only two shopping days left tell christmas!' craig ferguson warns, 'everything is all christmasy all over the place.  christmas movies are all over the place, 'its a wonderful life' is on all the time.  'mary clarence, dont ya know me'  awe, my jimmy stewart impression isnt so great.  it sounds like a parrot having a stoke  'do i taste pennies?'  everyone things of jimmy stewart as the 'all american' man.  this is true, in the beginning of his career, the hollywood movie mogals, the big wigs, they forced jimmy stewart to go to brothels to prove he wasnt gay!  thats true!  i'm thinking 'what? studio bosses pay for your hookers?!?  dont you want to prove that i'm not gay?'  its a wonderful life is, of course, about a man named george bailey, he's thinking about suicide, and he gets a rare opportunity to see what life would be like if he had never been born.  for decades people have loved 'its a wonderful life'.  its a great movie, but it seems to be out of date.  i mean, a mean old banker using unscrupulous methods to foreclose on working people's homes so he can line his pockets with their cash.  i mean, thankfully thats in the past, we have come a long way, there's no way that could possibly happen today...'
- kyra sedgwick
= frankie ballard

12-21-11

+ 'a lot of movies are coming out this weekend', criag ferguson discusses, 'tom cruise in the new mission impossible movie, and the tintin movie about the belgan dog or something.  they are very different movies, one of them has a tiny little creature that is more popular in europe than here, and the other is tintin.  also, war horse comes out.  i want to see all those movies, but the one i'm most excited for is 'the girl with the dragon tattoo'.  its based on the original girl with the dragon tattoo, but it was swedish.  over there its called 'un flicka wit den trampen stampen'.  the author of the book died of a heart attack in 2004 after walking up some stairs.  so let that be a lesson to you kids, take the stairs.  the dragon tattoo book is the first in a trilogy.  it was one of those trilogies where i bought the first book and i was like 'wow!  this is sensational! its really good, i've got to get the second book!'  i read the second book and i  thought 'ok, thats alright', i read the first book i was thinking 'you know, that first book was awesome!'.  at the end of the trilogy, the girl with the dragon tattoo gets a lightning bolt scar, becomes a wizard, and defeats voldemort.'
- jason lee
- felicity jones
= black dub

12-20-11

+ 'its the first day of hanakkah', criag ferguson shares, 'if you are celebrating hanakkah you probably arent into christmas caroling, of course.  tonight happens to be 'go caroling day'.  tonight you are supposed to celebrate christmas with a song!  for all you christmas carolers out there: dont come to my house.  and one more thing: ba humbug!  i'm not really a scrooge, i love christmas.  i love all holidays, especially the one you celebrate in your region with your ethnic group!  only a few more shopping days until christmas, the stores are packed with people buying gifts for family and friends.  did you know that some people actually buy presents for their pets? those people are called me!  i do, i buy gifts for my ferrets!  you know the great thing about ferrets? they are fucking stupid!  now, if you cant afford to buy christmas gifts for your kids this christmas, just give them your love and they will be just as happy.  ha ha ha!  the most popular toys this year for girls is something called the 'la la loopsy' doll.  one of the most popular gifts for this christmas is the t-pain microphone.  thats true!  its a microphone that you sing into and it makes you sound like the rapper t-pain.  i dont know much about t-pain, but his biggest songs are called 'buy you a drank', and 'i'm in love with a stripper'.  so let me address any parents who are watching: christmas is a wonderful time to teach your kids about bitches and hos.'
- robin wright
- parker young  he's pretty funny!

12-19-11

+ 'did you see that sherlock holmes movie over the weekend?' craig ferguson asks, 'it was fantastic i have heard.  i've heard its the best movie ever, i'm looking forward to seeing it.  i've never talked about this before, but i was actually up for a part in sherlock holmes.  not the movie, in the dinner theater production at the west alameda community theater.  i was this close to getting it! damn you, eric estrada!  sherlock holmes has been around for a while, of course, the original books came out in the 1800's.  did you know that in the original sherlock holmes he never actually said 'elementary, my dear watson'.  he didnt.  he did say 'oh please, senior ding-a-ling!'  robert downey jr. plays sherlock holmes in the new movies.  he's much sexier than the sherlock holmes i remember growing up.  he used to be played by basil wrathbone.  to me, thats what sherlock holmes is supposed to look like.  old timey sherlock holmes always smoked a pipe.  in fact, in the original sherlock holmes novels he didnt just smoke a pipe, he was also a cocaine addict!  thats true!  why would you cast robert downey jr. as... oh, nevermind...  i like robert downey jr a lot, i like him.  he's been through a lot and i like that he's open about his troubles.  but i'll tell you this: you cannot solve crimes when you are on cocaine.  my own research has proved that you cant...  you can, however, commit crimes!'
- regis philbin
= goo goo dolls

12-16-11

+ 'today is the day i've been looking forward to all year', craig ferguson admits, 'a big movie opens today.  some people wait for the twilight movies, some look forward to the girl with the dragon tattoo.  but for me?  its alvin and the chipmunks!  looks like the chipmunks go on a cruise.  i dont know if its a gay cruise, but you can make your own joke about storing nuts for the winter, though.  i miss the disney chipmunks chip and dale.  times are tough on chip and dale, they are male strippers now, shaking their asses at disney land, giving lap dances to goofy!'
- mindy kaling
> nick griffin

12-15-11

+ 'it was a scary day at the naval shipyard in maine', criag ferguson shares, 'workers building on a new destroyer discovered in the guided missile system had been compromised by spiders!  they weren't just any spiders, the missile tubes had been taken over by deadly black widows!  worst of all, the deadly black widows came from los angeles!  i'm sure the spiders arent happy about the situation either, the crawled into a warm box in southern california and they ended up in maine in december!  its cold in maine in december.  how cold is it? so cold they are dipping lobsters in hot coco.  its so cold santa's sack is creeping back into his body.  the black widow spider gets its name cause the female kills the husband after they mate.  well, they are not technically married, there's no ring on the spider's leg.  she kills him as soon as she gets her lusty spidery desire satisfied.  but it makes me think why do male spiders keep getting it on with black widows?  in ancient mythology, spiders are a sign of patience.  they spend all that time weaving their web and then they wait until the unsuspecting prey stumbles into it and then its all over in a matter of minutes.  now a days we would call that 'kardashian marriage'.'
- sean hayes
* john hodgman

12-14-11

+ 'its a great day if you like barbara walters', craig ferguson shares, 'the most fascinating people special was on earlier tonight.  there is no surprise about one thing on this list: i'm not on it!  again!  not fascinating enough for you, barbara?  i've been a guest on the view and i thought you and i had something special.  something very very special... i let you see my sensitive side, barbara.  and by that i mean my penis.  she did have some great names, barbara, on this special though:  pippa middleton.  now there you are, who could be more fascinating than someone who is the sister of someone who has married someone who is famous just for being fucking born!  to be fair though, pippa is also famous for having an ass that looks good in a dress.  which is another reason i should be on that list!  other people on barbara's list include herman cain, the kardashians, simon cowell, and donald trump.  is this a list of the most hateful douche bags in america?  between them and pippa middleton, this really puts the 'ass' in fascinating!  katy pery is also on the list, i like her.  she's talented, she's pretty, and she's a great singer, but is it wise to put her in the same room as herman cain?'
- kenneth branagh
- patton oswalt

12-13-11

+ 'its a terrible week for us here in los angeles,' craig ferguson shares, 'first we had to say goodbye to khloe and lamar, it will take me years to get over that...  and, it turns out, the christmas lights here might be fake!  its true, the customs officials at the port of l.a. have seized a shipment of fake christmas lights.  i don't know what that means, they aren't merry enough or something?  everyone in l.a. is cockahoop about it though.  the phony christmas lights were sent here from china.  i heard that and was like 'whoa?!?  cheap unreliable products?!?  from china?!? has the world gone crazy?'  the fake christmas lights, the reason they are called fake is because they can be dangerous.  they haven't been tested, so they can start fires or give people electrical shocks.  which makes them perfect for me to wrap around my genitals.  that's right, there's nothing quite like the lighting of my scrotum.  authorities are warning people here in l.a. not to use the lights that might be fake.  good luck, authorities, fake is kind of our thing!  we've got the fake boobies, the fake people, the fake animal fur, the fake orgasms.'
- ben kingsley
- morena baccarin

12-12-11

+ 'today is the busiest shipping day of the year', craig ferguson shares, 'its the run up to christamas, the shipping company is doing twice as many shipments as normal.  so today would probably be the best day to send your drugs through the mail without getting caught...  today fed ex processed more than 17 million shipments, ups delivered 11 million parcels, and the us postal service handled the most important package of all: mine!  its heavy and it needs a lot of stamps...  i used to collect stamps, not postage stamps- tramp stamps!  i started down there and they go all the way up.  i had to stop when they reached the base of my neck.  not really.  anyway, with all the packages going out there are bound to be some ending up at the wrong address.  it happens to me occasionally.  i have to go to my neighbors house and say 'here is your sports illustrated' magazine, and then he says 'here's your ferret monthly magazine'.  a lot of packages this time of year get lost.  thats awful, you are promised something great and then nothing ever happens.  its like voting for obama!'
- dj qualls
-> cat cora