tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-63139266353745927092024-03-05T19:23:52.689-08:00scottish kingmbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.comBlogger1407125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-32977681805711917352014-04-28T18:42:00.001-07:002014-04-28T18:42:33.014-07:00stepping downits a sad day here at the scottish king website. craig ferguson announced today that he will be stepping down in december.<br />
you shall be missed. long live the king!mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-17634333629620718052013-09-07T09:55:00.000-07:002013-09-07T09:55:45.290-07:009-05-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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+ 'its a big day in st. petersburg, russia', craig ferguson shares, 'the G20 summit is going on and i'm stuck here! but the G20 is where the heads of government get together and talk about the global economy, the european recession, miley cyrus on the vma's... 'what was she doing with her tongue?' the big time world leaders are at the G20, vladimir putin is there representing russia, and of course barack obama is there representing nigeria... anyway, reports are saying that putin wasn't in a good mood today. i'm not surprised, putin just lost half his stuff in a divorce! anyway, obama and putin are having dinner tonight to patch things up. a little advice for obama- stay away from the sushi... all eyes are on obama because of syria, he wants to use military strikes. even his allies don't agree with him: britain wants to use economic embargoes, france wants to use sarcasm.'<br />
- <a href="http://vindiesel.com/">vin diesel</a><br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0004960/">sara gilbert</a>mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-83402624301164630242013-09-07T09:52:00.002-07:002013-09-07T09:52:37.299-07:009-04-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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+ 'its a great day for the wonderful artist known as beyonce', craig ferguson shares, 'beyonce's birthday today- happy birthday, your ladyship. she's 32 today, also its l.a.'s birthday today. the city of los angeles was founded on this day 232 years ago. now, los angeles and beyonce are very different of course, one's great to spend a couple nights in if you get the chance, and the other... um, lets just forget that, shall we? now, i've made fun of los angeles many times on this show, i've called it a dump, ive called it ugly, i've said its a terrible place to live... but its l.a.'s birthday today! it was founded in 1781 by the spanish. now you may want to sit down for this. people in l.a. used to speak spanish. used to, eh?'<br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000704/">elijah wood</a><br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0488953/">brie larson</a>mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-29247010179934153492013-09-07T09:50:00.000-07:002013-09-07T09:50:04.087-07:009-03-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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+ 'it is a great day for dianna naya', craig ferguson informs, 'she's the 64 year old woman who was the first person to swim from cuba to florida without a cage. apparently people have done it before with a cage. i don't know how its done, i would think it would be harder with a cage, wouldn't it? you have to hold up the cage and swim the whole time? that would be damn near impossible! swimming without a cage, great, but what about swimming with a cage? anyway, she did it and it was very inspiring, but i'm concerned about the practice of putting old people in cages! its an amazing thing, a 64 year old woman swimming from cuba to florida though, it took endurance and perseverance and some pretty fucking lazy sharks, i'd say! i mean, come on sharks, really?'<br />
- <a href="http://www.nbc.com/the-tonight-show/">jay leno</a><br />
> <a href="http://cameronesposito.com/">cameron esposito</a>mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-78573362635867290232013-09-07T09:46:00.001-07:002013-09-07T09:46:40.203-07:009-02-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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+ 'its labor day!', craig ferguson exclaims, 'what could be more american than making an immigrant work on labor day? its too bad because i like to go to the beach on labor day. and here in los angeles the beaches are packed with thongs and cleavage, and the women dress sexy too! me? i've got some new green pants! i'm very excited about them, i'm wearing them under these pants! how do they feel? snug. you should get a pair of green pants, everybody is doing it- minty green pants! everybody, but me first. that's how you know a trend is on the way, when a middle aged white guy does it...'<br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1526554/">angela kinsey</a><br />
* <a href="https://twitter.com/Fehertwit">david feherty</a>mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-33275657133491936172013-09-07T09:44:00.001-07:002013-09-07T09:44:47.472-07:00season 10<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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'hey everybody, hi', craig says as he walks out wearing a loose button down shirt, minty green pants, and sunglasses, 'welcome to the new show! things are going to be a bit different from now on. 'in what way do you mean, craig?' well, first of all, the audience isn't even here yet- we started without them! losers! the leaves are turning in secretariat's barn, the fall is coming. and geoff, whats the big news there? he can now move both arms! i've got a feeling that this season, the start of our 10th season, will be the grooviest of all!'mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-84780777226084804212013-08-29T16:24:00.000-07:002013-08-29T16:24:27.195-07:008-09-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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+ 'the movie opening today i'm very excited about', craig ferguson shares, 'its called elysium, its a science fiction movie with matt damon. i'm sure that its good because matt damon usually does great movies! he was in that liberace movie on hbo. i haven't finished watching it. i've seen in 47 times, but i have not finished watching it... anyway, the title is taken from 'elysium fields' of course, its what the ancient greeks called the afterlife. elysium was said to be filled with heroic men in togas. the epic poet homer wrote about the elysium fields in his epic 'the odyssey'. there have been many references to elysium in contemporary culture. in doctor who, for example, davros, the inventor of the deleks, died at the gates of elysium. this was during the first year of the time war when his command ship was destroyed by the nightmare child, but everyone knows that!<br />
* <a href="https://twitter.com/KeithOlbermann">keith olbermann</a><br />
> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3792671/">esther povitsky</a>mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-86953839625816297322013-08-29T16:22:00.001-07:002013-08-29T16:22:14.594-07:008-08-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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+ 'its a big anniversary today', craig ferguson shares, 'fifty years ago today was the great train robbery. robbers got away with 53 million dollars in cash from a postal train in britain. the robbers became folk heroes over there. the reason this is of interest to me is because my father worked at the post office in glasgow at that time and was supposed to be sorting mail on that train the very night it was robbed, but he had 'the flu' and he called in 'sick'. coincidence? i'm not sure, all i know is that right after the great train robbery we ate well around my house! yes, that's the night we got a brand new potato! it really happened though, the train was going from glasgow to london. the scottish bank lost millions! the scottish people were spewing venom, accusing the english of betraying them, then the robbery happened and it got worse! now, pulling off a robbery like that was very complicated, more than 30 criminals were involved, and they split up according to their skills. you know, there's the safe cracker, the muscle, the look out, the guy who distracts guards with his cleavage... then there was the guy who insisted that he was retired but he couldn't resist the money and adrenaline of one last job, and he was known as jay leno! three of the great train robbers have never been caught. i love a good heist movie. you know whats a good one? oceans eleven. that's where they robbed the casino. then there was oceans twelve, where they robbed the people who went to go see the movie!'<br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005188/">james marsden</a><br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1620783/">meghan markle</a>mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-31729280098794359602013-08-29T16:20:00.000-07:002013-08-29T16:20:01.209-07:008-07-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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+ 'it is a great day to quit smoking', craig ferguson insists, 'any day is a good day to quit, blah blah, cbs cares. a new study says that ex smokers make more money than smokers. i actually used to smoke, i used to be a smoker, i really enjoyed it. nothing relaxed me more than a winston in my mouth... then i had a cigarette. i understand why people smoke, i understand why you do it, because it feels awesome. addictive poisons are funny like that. i smoked for years. a lot of ex smokers say 'i'd never take up smoking again', but i'm not one of them. i would start smoking again in a heartbeat. the only thing stopping me is the painful early death. if we ever find out there is a meteor headed to earth i'll be the first one down at the store buying a carton of cigarettes, a six pack of lube, and a crate of turnips... well, you know i guess! the big trend these days is the e-cigarette, you know, they are supposed to be as nicotiney as regular cigarettes, but then again, so is strapping your nipples to a car battery. saying you are safer than cigarettes is like saying you are taller than tom cruise. its like saying your movie made more money than the lone ranger. its like saying you fathered less children than arnold schwarzenegger. its like saying you are a better husband than o.j. simpson!'<br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000156/">jeff goldblum</a> talks and plays some jazzmbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-40707538303739352052013-08-22T16:51:00.002-07:002013-08-22T16:51:31.681-07:008-06-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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+ 'its a great day for our friends in jamaica', criag ferguson, 'if you know anything about me, you know this is the day i look forward to all year: jamaican independence day! happy independence day, jamaica! today in jamaica everyone spend the day smokin' and drinkin', having a great time, then they remembered its independence day! jamaica, of course, is associated with raggae music. i have mixed feelings about regee, its pleasant enough, but it all kind of sounds the same, like coldplay. coldplay could make a great reggae album if they traded in gwenyth paltrow for weed. you know, come on, i make a fair point. people think that everyone in jamaica smokes weed, and that's not true. some people eat it! if you are unfamiliar with the island of jamaica, its an island nation in the caribbean. jamaica isn't far away from florida, so if you go to jamaca on a quite night, you can hear old people in boca raton laughing at cbs sitcoms!'<br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1208167/">diane kruger</a><br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0355024/">tony hale</a>mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-65336064861535225442013-08-22T16:49:00.001-07:002013-08-22T16:49:55.787-07:008-05-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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+ 'i can tell by the look on your faces, completely random selection of the public', craig ferguson states, 'and you at home, i can see you- oh yes i can! i know you are thinking 'craig, i wish you would tell us the latest news from hollywood!' alright, i will. the big news in hollywood is the movie i saw five times over the weekend: smurfs 2! what a great movie! its rare that a sequel surpassed the original, like the second godfather movie is better the first, star wars, the second is better, or the oj simpson trial... i liked the ending better on the second one! anyway, if you know anything at all about me, you know i love the smurfs. i'm like a smurfaholic. if you dont like the smurfs then join al quida! the smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. kind of like justin bieber but without the 'everybody loves' part. i used to love that little canadian songster, but he's turning out to be a world class prick, huh? who knew? anyway, i cant decide on my favorite smurf. i love papa smurf, of course, but who is that one who is always yelling at everyone with his long winded stories? regis smurf, that's right. there's tito smurf, germaine smurf, you've got your kardashian smurf. the smurfs are named after their personalities. the one who plays pranks is jokey smurf, the one who's always falling down is clumsy smurf, and the one who's always complaining is french smurf. if you don't know about the smurfs, here's the basics: they are little blue people who live in mushroom shaped houses and they fight crime or something. i don't really give a rats ass about this. the village is 100 male smurfs and one girl smurf. is it any wonder these dudes are blue?'<br />
- <a href="http://minniedriver.net/">minnie driver</a> talks and sings<br />
> <a href="http://baronvaughn.com/">baron vaughn</a>mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-23562312012685086952013-08-03T22:43:00.001-07:002013-08-03T22:43:10.416-07:008-02-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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+ 'i'll tell ya, i'm very excited', craig ferguson admits, 'its a big weekend if you like the sharks, and who doesn't? sunday of this weekend is the start of shark week! come sunday night i'll be glued to my tv set asking how do these magnificent creatures open their mouths so side around all that meat? then ill turn off the porn and start watching shark week... shark week isn't on cbs, its on cable. the lawyers told me i cant say which channel its on or i'd be fired, so its on discovery channel. this is the 26th year of shark week, it started off as a gimmick in the 80's that has turned into a cultural phenomenon that scares the crap out of everyone- its like david hasselhoff! shark week is so awesome i'm surprised other networks don't have shark related programming, you know, like 'sharks and recreation', 'here comes chummy boo boo', 'fins of anarchy', 'how i ate your mother', 'hawaii five-oh crap its a shark!', 'the tonight show with jaws leno'! did you see that tv movie 'sharknado'? it was amazing, the plot of that movie was that a tornado went over the water and spewed sharks over l.a., which was terrifying. but i'm thinking why was it only sharks? why didn't it get all the fish that were there? i guess 'fishquake' doesn't have the same ring about it'.<br />
- <a href="http://joshwolf.net/home/">josh wolf</a><br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2415436/">georgia king</a>mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-3781337861050060382013-08-02T16:41:00.001-07:002013-08-02T16:41:34.638-07:008-01-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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+ 'its a great day for mtv', craig ferguson shares, 'the channel that brought us beavis & butthead, snookie & j-wow, its 32 years old today! mtv started in 1981, things were different in 1981. justin bieber wasn't even born yet, you could leave your mop buckets out in the open without worrying about someone peeing in them! people say mtv doesn't play music anymore, these people are called 'old'. just because mtv has the word music in it doesn't mean they have to play music. the name of a channel is irrelevant these days, this became clear after the learning channel gave us 'here come's honey boo boo'. mtv is for people younger than 25. the only old person who is allowed to be on mtv is kurt loder. speaking of music videos, have you seen justin timberlake's new music video? its got naked girls in it. i remember back in the day when record companies would spend millions of dollars on music videos that were artistic and told a story, now a days they just put topless girls in a room and let them dance around. what i'm trying to say is that things are getting better!'<br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000381/">anthony edwards</a><br />
> <a href="http://www.hugh-moore.com/">hugh moore</a>mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-58396291409638723772013-08-02T16:38:00.001-07:002013-08-02T16:38:25.586-07:007-31-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbGcjeviSjP_5InMnOCTJrDjL-4u6DEVJoHDBzi9o5b0n4fvAgIfRQMoXMYCzEDNjHq0ihrShsQlzVX8Zv1T56_aUrv3tzM7BVl0tisxlLEL2IAA-0VNURrNDRISRbQH541Iv1XvqZXTeF/s1600/backstreet+boys.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbGcjeviSjP_5InMnOCTJrDjL-4u6DEVJoHDBzi9o5b0n4fvAgIfRQMoXMYCzEDNjHq0ihrShsQlzVX8Zv1T56_aUrv3tzM7BVl0tisxlLEL2IAA-0VNURrNDRISRbQH541Iv1XvqZXTeF/s320/backstreet+boys.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
+ 'you know what its a great day for?' craig ferguson asks, 'fashion! who doesn't like fashion? vanity fair's best dressed list came out today, and guess who's number 22? that's right, justin timberlake. i guess that's fair, justin timberlake cares a lot about fashion, he even has a song called 'suit and tie'. if i had a song about fashion it would be called 'crocs and socks' or something like that! i'm kind of bummed that i didn't make this year's best dressed list cause i make a lot of sacrifices to look good out here. i steal all my suits from bob barker's old dressing room! they look good, but they smell like plinko and dog nuts. 'spay and neuter your pets!' when i'm not on tv i like to keep things casual, i like to wear regular guy like, you know, a crop top and juicy sweat pants. i don't usually like it when people make lists, especially 'best dressed' lists, they are number one on my top 10 list of lists i hate! i hate lists so much i don't even make a grocery list, i just go to the store and improvise! and by 'improvise', i mean i load a cart up with ice cream and preparation h...'<br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005137/">jane leeves</a><br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1501738/">ahna o'reilly</a><br />
= <a href="http://www.backstreetboys.com/">backstreet boys</a>mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-52232226525613898322013-08-02T16:36:00.001-07:002013-08-02T16:36:15.123-07:007-30-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmeZCEnv15MzKhhA60QF7aQUcKJ8klMcbEF9gFBFp_pbgdiReMUEUycrkc9mBijYKfx3AK3EVkDz1g72paSilJUPktJ43adsdnljpwvcwbUIoaFlvQc-W_59FMtiLb2FIkmart-YqwxsGt/s1600/valerie+azlynn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmeZCEnv15MzKhhA60QF7aQUcKJ8klMcbEF9gFBFp_pbgdiReMUEUycrkc9mBijYKfx3AK3EVkDz1g72paSilJUPktJ43adsdnljpwvcwbUIoaFlvQc-W_59FMtiLb2FIkmart-YqwxsGt/s320/valerie+azlynn.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
+ 'i have to be very careful tonight', craig ferguson informs,' guess what happened to me today? i was brushing my teeth this morning. 'but craig, you are european!' yes, but i'm an american now. i was brushing my teeth this morning and one of my crowns just boop- fell out! i was like 'oh!' it just fell right out! i had to go to the dentist and they put it in. guess what happened when i went to the dentist? the guy said 'ah, its cool'. when i went to pay he waved me off saying 'oh, its fine'. what part of beverly hills is this? the guy said 'it only took five minutes, get out of here'. ok! i have to be careful though, cause it has to be redone. its just glued temporarily, it has to be redone. my tooth might fall out on the show tonight. that woke you up, didn't it? now you'll stay watching! you'll see that, the ratings will go crazy! people are going to watch shows to see if teeth fall out! 'two and a half teeth', 'how i met your dentist'- its teeth watch 2013! anyway, its a great day for america, everybody! its not such a great day for that little canadian girl, that rabble rouser, justin bieber. he's in terrible trouble! his tour bus was stopped at the canadian border by the patrol agents and they found marijuana! the agents said justin bieber was a disgrace to canada and should never come back. then they found the marijuana! look at that- first joke out of the way and the teeth are still there!'<br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001857/">henry winkler</a><br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1177286/">valerie azlynn</a>mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-86843372888398032002013-08-02T16:34:00.002-07:002013-08-02T16:34:33.455-07:007-29-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFk7hTzPpI1fzCK4U10BJs_vncQsxTJ6gZJtqycDJKmemxn3Mx3EJswHS0_gBgOsWt1Xi4q6Xyj1devYaxqmHkv49iAhYwTDKXjUY5VeKKWfWrHtGXmxha4SuJOqrMax-0INNcGiSEji1A/s1600/courtney+love+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFk7hTzPpI1fzCK4U10BJs_vncQsxTJ6gZJtqycDJKmemxn3Mx3EJswHS0_gBgOsWt1Xi4q6Xyj1devYaxqmHkv49iAhYwTDKXjUY5VeKKWfWrHtGXmxha4SuJOqrMax-0INNcGiSEji1A/s320/courtney+love+1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
+ 'now, if you know anything about me', craig ferguson informs, 'you know that i love reading about and learning about fashion! i was reading an article about it and apparently the 90's are back! according to this article, one of the hottest items on ebay is acid washed jeans. i tried making acid wash jeans by washing them in LSD. it didn't do anything for my jeans, but my washing machine saw god! 90's fashions aren't coming back because they are good, they are coming back because people are nostalgic. nostalgia is defined as sentimentality for the past. people have always been nostalgic, i wonder if even cave men were like 'ah, remember the mammoth stampede?' of course, as you remember, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marcel_Proust">marcel proust</a> said 'remembrance of things past is not necessarily remembrance of things as they actually were'. i think we look back at the past with fondness because we were younger, you know, life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh carrion. a lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years and then they get jobs on tv, then they become bitter and jaded and prematurely old, and then they turn their nostalgia into good television. in the 1990's we had 'that 70's show', twenty years, right? then in the 1970's we had 'happy days' and that was set in the 50's, twenty years. and then in the 1950's in television they had shows set in the 30's. they had... 'here come's hitler boo boo'? 'how i met your hindenburg', 'live with regis and herbert hoover', 'real housewives of the great depression', 'larry king tonight'. see what i did there?'<br />
= <a href="http://www.courtney-love.org/">courtney love</a><br />
# <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0475937/">jeff kurr</a>mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-29492753659502442612013-08-02T16:32:00.001-07:002013-08-02T16:32:57.444-07:007-26-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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+ 'the big movie opening today that i'm very excited about is wolverine', craig ferguson shares, 'hugh jackman is a man with sharp nails who'll tear any man apart who crosses his path. i'm not sure what he does in the movie, but i'm a big fan! i love the x-men movies, i can name all the x-men: there's wolverine, professor xavier, cyclops, storm, rogue, sugar bear, pumpkin, chickity, moma june, and honey boo boo! you know what i like about wolverine as a super hero? his character is canadian! in the comics he's a canadian citizen who works for the canadian government. i love the thought of a canadian superhero! they could have called him captain hawky or something. or maybe syrup boy! the lone bieber! mr. soft spoken! celine dion! anyway, in the now movie, wolverine goes to japan. although in japan they don't call him wolverine, they call him 'big fuzzy man ha ha'. now, people think a wolverine is a big tough animal, but its not. a wolverine is a cross between a wolf and a tangerine! a wolverine actually resembles a little bear, its also referred to as skunk bear. that wouldn't make a cool superhero, would it? 'stop villain, or ill... make a smell'. its true though, wolverines, that's what they do, they make a stench from their anal glands to mark their territory, that's what they do. you can make your own larry king joke here...'<br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001435/">lisa kudrow</a><br />
= <a href="http://www.michaelmcdonald.com/">michael mcdonald</a>mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-77624839919042374322013-08-02T16:30:00.001-07:002013-08-02T16:30:55.985-07:007-25-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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+ 'its not such a great day here in l.a.', criag ferguson admits, 'according to the authorities we are on plague watch! the department of health in los angeles confirmed there has been at least one case of bubonic plague here in l.a.! the first victim has been identified: a squirrel! the plague infected squirrel was found in the angeles national forest. i hope the plague doesn't spread out. if it wipes out squirrels all around the country, what's honey boo boo going to have for dinner?!? they say people going camping in l.a. are in most danger. you should be ok if you don't touch the dead animals. i'm like, that's the only reason i go camping! also, camping in l.a.? are you serious? anyway, i have been camping in l.a., it was terrifying! i woke up outside my tent and saw a hairy creature rooting through the garbage. it took all my courage just to whisper 'khloe kardashian, is that you?'.'<br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0352778/">bill hader</a><br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0013037/">shohreh aghdashloo</a>mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-22250876389456307052013-07-27T22:52:00.001-07:002013-07-27T22:52:21.464-07:007-24-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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+ 'it was a very tense day here at cbs' criag ferguson admits, 'cbs is locked in a huge battle with time warner cable. it could cost time warner cable's subscribers to loose cbs. the fight is about money probably. i don't know, i'm not up on the details. i think cbs wants more money from time warner cable, which is fair!... i don't know. what cbs is asking for is still less than what time warner pays to carry the disney channel, but remember cbs, there's a reason disney gets all that cash, they send goofy to collect! 'gahyuck, pay up bitches, or i'll cut ya, gahyuck!' obviously this issue hits close to home for me because if cbs doesnt get the higher fees, cbs will be forced to slash the show's hay budget and secretariat will die! dont let secretariat die, time warner! i'm not taking sides, but time warner wants the beloved secretariat horse to die! its in your hands, internet! anyway, what i'm saying is that disputes like this are more evidence how tv is quickly changing. a few years ago the tv business model looked one way, now everything is all switched around and looks another way. oh wait, i'm thinking of bruce jenner.'<br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1741002/">matt smith</a><br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001632/">teri polo</a>mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-66457701149762453682013-07-27T22:50:00.000-07:002013-07-27T22:50:51.326-07:007-23-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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+ 'its not a great day for new york today', craig ferguson shared, 'the mayoral candidate anthony wiener, you know, the guy who resigned from congress for showing wiener, today more wiener photographs were released of his wiener! new yorkers were shocked, they were so shocked that elliot spitzer fell off his hooker, they were so shocked that people almost stopped urinating in public, they were so shocked that think on trump's head fainted! people were so shocked that woody allen had to pull his daughter wife out of school! the new photos are from the same time period as the old photograph, so it seems to me its kind of like beating a dead horse... new details have emerged, apparently anthony wiener would show his junk on the internet using the name, and i'm not kidding, carlos danger! isn't that great? that's an awesome name! anthony wiener released a statement today saying 'this kind of behavior is behind me', then he added 'if you want to see more of what's behind me, i'll text you a photograph!' the race for mayor goes on, anthony wiener still has a small lead over city council member kristin quinn, who is gay. its the classic match up: lesbian versus predator!'<br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005092/">larry king</a><br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2319871/">anna camp</a>mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-46075645728621860432013-07-27T22:48:00.001-07:002013-07-27T22:48:28.268-07:007-22-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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+ 'its a great day for our friends in the u.k.', criag ferguson shares, 'its really a great day for everyone! a royal baby! you know, in a royal baby, the umbilical cord is cut by a unicorn's horn. what happens is the royal baby comes out and he's covered in blue blood, of course, and the unicorn comes over and bows. as the unicorn bows, the horn magically cuts the umbilical cord and doves fly out of the royal vagina! none of that common after birth stuff! i'm tellin' ya, its like a david copperfield show! it was very big news, of course, congratulations to the royal family. moments ago the palace released a photo of his royal adorableness. the royal family, of course, are delighted about this news. prince harry popped open some champagne and danced naked around the palace- then he heard about the baby! prince charles said what any proud new grandpa would say: 'back of line, junior!' there were very few people actually in the room for the birth: prince william, the father, kate middleton's mother, and neil patrick harris i believe was there. he does most of the tonys, the emmy's, the royal birth. and you know what? he makes it better! cause normally i dont enjoy these things, but when neil does it, i'm like 'actually this is entertaining!' so the royal baby is now number one on the list of favorite wrinkly dudes! number two is still micheal caine, and number three is still madanna...'<br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000222/">brooke shields</a><br />
= <a href="http://www.sarabmusic.com/">sara bareilles</a>mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-85745511627956189512013-07-20T23:56:00.001-07:002013-07-20T23:56:27.403-07:007-19-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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+ 'its a great day for san diego, or is it?', craig ferguson asks, '135 thousand people have descended on san diego for comic con. when i say 'people', im refering to the geeks and the nerds and the trolls. if you live in southern california and you need to get your computer fixed this weekend, you are screwed! i think comic con might have jumped the shark. i'll tell you why: because i'm going! that's it, its over! its like the sundance film festival. the sundance film festival used to be cool, it was about independent film and serious art, now its a place where paris hilton goes. i am the paris hilton of comic con! if i'm going, it is no longer relevant! the reason i'm going is because i will be moderating the doctor who panel on sunday. i love doctor who, its been on tv in britain since the sixties, i grew up with it. there will be people at comic con who know a lot more about doctor who than i do. if i don't know the title of a particular episode or if i mispronounce the name of a planet i will be shamed, i will be ridiculed. i will be like paula dean at the BET awards! i have children and a job, i don't have have time to memorize details of a tv show, like the fact that the doctor's home planet is gallifrey, the gridlock system with it the constellation of casta boris. the galactic quadrants are 10 zero 11 zero zero by zero two from galactic zero center. and that's correct! i know that! i will be fielding questions from the doctor who panel, i'm sure the first question will be 'why are you here, miss minelli?'.'<br />
-<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0528331/">jane lynch</a><br />
= <a href="http://www.googoodolls.com/">goo goo dolls</a>mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-11274372484250604062013-07-20T23:54:00.000-07:002013-07-20T23:54:50.628-07:007-18-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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+ 'its a great day for television', craig ferguson shares, 'three million people watched the season premier of 'here comes honey boo boo'. three million people! the cast was delighted, at least i think that's that they said, i don't understand them... do the honey boo boo family have a last name? i just call them the boo boos. their first names are easy to remember, there's june, the mother, sugar bear, the father, and kids are honey boo, chickity, pumpkin, pee pee, and plinko, i think. oh, and regis. anyway, if you've never seen honey boo boo, its like duck dynasty but with less ducks, or downton abby but with less shoes, or like keeping up with the kardashians but with less hair. but when you think about it, honey boo boo's are like the kardashians, honey boo boo is the little princess, thats like kim kardashian, june, the stay at home mother is like kris jenner, and then sugar bear, that's khloe. their all in there! i remember when the show first started critics were calling it offensive and outrageous and exploitative, and they also had bad things to say about it!'<br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001787/">jeffrey tambor</a><br />
= <a href="http://cristelaalonzo.com/">cristela alonzo</a>mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-71904169838228447642013-07-20T23:53:00.000-07:002013-07-20T23:53:12.038-07:007-17-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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+ 'you know, over in britain they are very tense', craig ferguson admits, 'because still no royal baby! i cant wait to see that little bundle of joy! i'm talking about prince harry's genitals. that's what he says when he poses for those naked pictures, 'do you want to see my royal bundle of joy?' we are still in royal baby watch here at this show. the royal family are keeping all the details secret because they don't want their plans spoiled by voldemort! ha ha! that's right, everyone in britain is in harry potter! the maternity wards in britain are a little bit different, instead of surgical masks they wear those curly wigs! kate middleton is now four days overdue, which means that in just a few more days the royal baby watch will surpass gweyneth paltrow as the most annoying thing in london...'<br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000164/">anthony hopkins</a><br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2860033/">jes macallan</a>mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6313926635374592709.post-25022649308907147032013-07-20T23:51:00.002-07:002013-07-20T23:58:07.497-07:007-16-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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+ 'there's a new cable channel coming', craig ferguson informs, 'i don't watch cable, i only watch cbs... just like you, everybody else in the world! there is going to be a new cable channel for dogs! i'm like, that's stupid! you ever seen a dog watch tv? their schedule came out today and they've got some great shows: 'barks and recreation', 'game of bones', and 'so you think you can lick your balls?'.'<br />
- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0358316/">jon hamm</a>mbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04757008051663286564noreply@blogger.com0