+ 'today in park city, utah, the sundance film festival began', craig ferguson shares, 'its the only thing in the world that makes utah more white.  what a great time to be a utahan.  do you know, i've been to park city before.  if you are driving to park city, utah from los angeles, you actually pass through a town called beaver.  thats true!  i always get stuck in beaver, there is so much to see!  i mean, you get up close to beaver and you think 'well, theres not much going on here', then you get inside and went 'woa!  whats all this?!?  who would have thought there was all this from the outside?'  the film makers go there to raise money for the films.  they raise money the old fashioned way: they sell weapons and stuff.  investors go there to look for films.  i've been in this game, when you are trying to raise money for independent film, you mean a lot of shady guys from eastern europe...  sundance isnt really about the movies these days, its more a kind of party atmosphere.  one of the regulars is paris hilton.  i like paris, she's a nice girl, but he's not really a representative of fine cinema.  although, she did that one movie that i rather enjoyed, i rented it accidentally a couple times...  you know, that one where... ah... house of wax, that one!'
steven wright
- sara paxton


+ 'did you watch the american idol tonight?' craig ferguson asks, 'i did!  the first couple episodes of american idol are usually the highest rated of the season because there is something magical about people who have dreams beyond their talent go on national talent and having those dreams crushed...  thats not the only reason people watch american idol, theres also the new judges, and i love them.  i dont think i would be a good judge, i was a musician, but i was a crap musician.  the core of my distaste for american idol, which i do have, is that it teaches the wrong things to the kids.  it teaches aspiring singers a dangerous lesson:  that you need someone elses permission to persue your dreams.  you dont.  and whats worse, that karaoke is cool.  its not.  if you want to be a singer, then sing!  you dont need to ask someone.  to me, singing is like masturbation: you should do it every day in the shower!  american idol assumes being a music star is all about pure vocal ability, and that is just not true.  you also need a certain amount of je ne sais quoi.  'je ne sais quoi' is a french term that means boobies.'
- david duchovny
* dr. sanjay gupta


+ 'earlier tonight on fox, i was watching it, was the new show alcatraz', craig ferguson shares, 'you know, the show about the legendary san francisco prison.  the only prison in the world with less man on man action inside the prison that is going on in the town outside...  alcatraz isn't really a good name for a prison outside of san francisco, if you are going to have a prison in san francisco, you should call it 'sing sing!'  anyway, the new show about alcatraz, the prisoners are out terrorizing the city and they haven't aged a day.  no, its jj abrams who is behind this, he's terrific.  he did 'lost' and the new 'star trek' movie, so the prisoners are probably ghosts or clones or something like that.  although i have to say, scientists, if you are watching this show, and i know you do, do not clone dinosaurs or prisoners.  don't do it!  cloning technology is getting more advanced.  scottish scientists invented it.  it was invented in edinburgh university they invented cloning.  and the first thing they cloned, rather embarrassingly, was a sheep!  the scientist said 'i have just invented cloning, everybody!  well done me!  any ideas what we should clone first?'  'i've got an idea...'.'
- lucy liu
- kevin sorbo


+ 'hey, do you like the disney cartoons?' craig ferguson asks, 'neither do i! i'm just kidding, i do.  i like disney cartoons, they are warm and soothing, like bathing in a bath of fresh oatmeal.  i had to do that last month when i had shingles!  thats how you do it, i had shingles and thats how you get rid of them.  you lie in a big bath of oatmeal.  the kids are still eating the leftovers.  'dad, it tastes shingly!' 'ah, eat your shingle porridge you wee bastards! when i was your age shingle porridge was a delicacy served only to the royals!'  anyway, what i'm saying about the disney cartoons, the classic is being rereleased today.  its not winnie the pooh, which i loved, but its beauty and the beast thats coming out.  this time its coming in 3D!  all the songs and romance you remember, plus the expense of doubly expensive tickets and glasses covered in bacteria!
- kristen bell
louis anderson


+ 'not a great day if you like the yoga', craig ferguson admits, 'you know the yoga?  the practice of physical and spiritual and mental discipline from india?  well, now the new york times says in an article that yoga can be dangerous.  ah, yoga is not dangerous.  next thing you know they will be telling us that other pleasant things are dangerous, like scrap booking and heroin.  anyway, the new york times article says that yoga related injuries are on the rise.  what happens is that people spend all day in chairs at work and then they twist themselves into a pretzel during yoga and expect it to be easy and hurt themselves.  its like if you were a brainless action star your whole life, and then trying to go out and govern the state of california.  see that?  thats your topical humor! how long has he been out of office?  two years now?  thats what we do here, we do the late night show with all the topical stuff in the news!'
- hugh laurie he talks and sings!

ass mode

ever wondered why the tweet mail jingles on 'the late late show with craig ferguson' always seems to include the term 'ass mode'?  well, craig finally provides an answer:  an email craig read on the air asked 'dear mr. ferguson and geoff peterson, you seem to take a lot of interest in philosophy, do you live by any particular philosophy?'  craig responds 'yes i do: ass mode.  right geoff?'
'that's right, ass mode is a way of life' geoff responds.
'ass mode is a way of life.  when you see on the tweet mail jingle when it goes 'ass mode' people are like 'what does it mean?' i'll tell you what it means.  what does it mean geoff?'
'it means its a way of life' geoff retorts.
later, when hugh laurie is on the show, he asks 'well, i didnt exactly come here with a list of questions, but i came with one: what is 'ass mode'?  i ask it on behalf of everyone, i think'.
'and i answer you', craig states, 'by saying: geoff?'
geoff responds with 'ass mode is a way of life.'


+ 'it is a great day for mitt romney', craig ferguson shares, 'last night he won the new hampshire primary.  so, congratulations, establishment cyborg!  people are being inspired by his bland diction and gorgeous hair.  now, romney's win means he gets seven delegates and a wagon full of maple syrup.  now, its on to south carolina where the winner gets a hog and a gamecock.  its the south carolina school mascot, i googled it eariler today.  mitt romney, sure he looks like a decent enough guy.  oh, of course, he's a corporate vampire who bought companies only to suck the profit out only to leave behind closed factories and ruined lives, but he made an ass load of cash doing it, and now owns four houses, so it all worked out in the end.  whats amazing, though, is that all of romney's opponents in the GOP are going after him for being the head of a venture capital firm.  i'm like 'republicans attacking a guy for making money on the free market?'  thats like clinton criticizing an intern program- thats crazy!'
- adam goldberg
- mercedes masohn


+ 'its a great day if you like the gadgets', craig ferguson states, 'today was the start of the 2012 consumer electronics show, ces.  you know, were the humans blend with technology, its held every year in las vegas.  geoff and i got married there, remember?  thats the night this human blended with technology.  vegas is going through some rough times right now, the economy is bad.  the economy is so bad in vegas, louis anderson got a second job as a bouncy castle.  the economy is so bad in vegas, the bellagio replaced the dancing waters with a fat guy holding a hose.  anyway, this year at the consumer electronic show, everyone is talking about the voice control tv.  its tv that you control with your voice!  instead of the back braking work of pressing a button on the remote!  instead of the tedious endless exercise of clicking a button, you can now just yell 'kardashians!' at the tv!  be careful though, if you yell 'kloe', you'll get animal planet...'
* isaac mizrahi
- sophia bush


+ 'there was a big season premier last night', craig ferguson shares, 'did you see it?  it was downton abbey.  its the british soap opera thats getting very popular.  its like an american soap opera but without all the straight teeth.  its on pbs, i'm not sure what that stands for, probably british stuff.  what i'm saying is that downton abbey is on pbs, which means its classy, which probably means you havent seen it.  if you didnt see the first season of downton abbey, i'll do a quick recap for you: 'i say, lady.  how dare you!  kiss me, fatha! war has been declared!'  thats about it.  downton abbey takes place in the north of england, in yorkshire.  with all the lords and ladies and butlers and all the cooks all live together in a country estate.  i have to admit, i like to look at all the outfits.  all those big tight corsets, the flowing dresses, and when i'm finished picking my clothes for the evening, i turn on the tv and watch downton abbey.  i grew up in britain, so i had my fill of the whole class division thing, so i didnt watch downton abbey over the weekend, but i did watch the republican debate.  and one of the candidates said there are no classes in america.  and then that topic was hotly debated by all six rich white guys who were there'.
- howie mandel
= randy houser


+ 'you know that horror movie is opening today, 'the devil inside'.' craig ferguson shares, 'that looks scary!  and you know, if you take the word devil and spell it backwards it says 'lived'.  yeah, its not that creepy.  listen, the movie is about an exorcism and the movie is based on true events.  which is kind of like the label on cheese dips that says 'this item is based on actual cheese'.  this movie is based on an exorcism, it better have a cool twist, because that territory has been pretty well covered by 'the exorcist'.  which i actually never saw.  i meant to, i was on the way to the theater, but was distracted by a movie called 'the sexorcist'.  the same thing happened when i went to go see 'chitty chitty bang bang'.  in the new movie the devil gives all his minions a tattoo on the inside of their lip, which is ridiculous.  everyone knows what the dark lord of the underworld gives his minions: a law degree!'
- michael clarke duncan
- laura prepon


+ 'its an important time for the nation', craig ferguson shares, 'earlier tonight, people of every race and religion stopped what they were doing.  washington d.c. politicians put aside their differences for one hour, because tonight is the season premier of 'the jersey shore'.  if you dont know what that is because you are 'too classy', then imagine its like downton abbey if everyone vomited on each other.  'i say, lord percy, blahhh!'  so its season five, started tonight.  its about damn time because season four only finished about two months ago.  i love the whole cast, you know: snookie, the situation, j wow, spuds, corky, tito, regis...  i've never watched it.  i dont have time to watch crappy tv, i'm too busy making crappy tv!  i actually did see the jersey shore once, it was the one where that dude hit the other dude, then there was some hooking up, and then they had to solve a mystery by examining the semen stains on the wall.  wait, thats CSI isnt it?'
- tom selleck
- daniela ruah


+ 'its a great day if you like undersea creatures', craig ferguson states, 'and who doesn't like undersea creatures?  jerks!  you know who you are!  no, i'll tell you why, cause near antartica, scientists just discovered new undersea creatures.  one of them is being called the hairy chested yeti crab.  i always thought yeti crabs was what you get after having sex with a yeti, but not true!  not anymore!  actually, that's not true, you don't get anything after having sex with bigfoot.  not even a phone call!  there is another creature called the seven armed sea star, and the ghost pale octopus.  i dont know how these so called scientists name real animals after real stuff: yeti crab, ghost pale octopus.  that's crap.  you cant name real species after made up things.  before you know it, they will be discovering the female orgasm platypus!  its a joke, relax.  you know what a platypus is, right?  its like a beaver, but australian.  it goes around the other way...'
- rza
- melissa rauch

True or not true!

it seems that craig ferguson came up with a new bit for the show!  he was sitting down at his desk the other night, answering emails.  he got a tweet from aaron is sacramento, which got craig going on sacramento.  he said 'this tweet is from aaron is sacramento california, the capitol of the state of california is in sacramento.  thats the very town where governor scharzenegger did to the state of california what he did to his maid while he was married.  true or not true?  oh! thats a new bit for the show, i've just invented it!  geoff, we've got a new bit!  its awesome!  its called 'true or not true'!'  craig then progresses to go through a few different examples of 'true or not true'.  craig continues 'you know what?  i'm pretty sure that by the end of the week we will have a graphic for 'true or not true'!'  actually, craig has a graphic, admittedly pretty lame, by the end of the show!  wow, those graphics people sure work quick!

7 years of craig!

'so tonight is the seventh anniversary of this show!  i was thinking 'have we been doing this show seven years?'  well, yeah, thats why they call it an anniversary!  what i did, i thought this would be fun, i thought we could take a look at the very first show!  what we did is we thought people would want to see how this show has progressed over the years.  so what we did was i went down to the cbs basement today.  that is code, by the way...  so, geoff and i were rummaging around in the basement today and we found the very first show!'
craig then proceeds to show a 'clip' of the first show.  its not actually the first show though, but rather a recreation of it.  craig, dressed up in a terrible black wig, red blazer, and piano key tie, makes some lame jokes about topical events from seven years ago.  the best part was that geoff peterson was there- but not the robot skeleton we have all grown to love.  instead, the guy who does his voice was standing at the podium bantering with craig!  geoff talked about how he had plans that weekend to go skydiving and offered 'if i die you can always reanimate my lifeless corpse with robot parts!'
later that night, craig talks about his anniversary again:  'its a great day for this show, for us today, its the seventh anniversary for this show!  this very night!  the show's age has finally reached the age of the audience's maturity level!  and the network gave me, thank you to cbs, they gave me the traditional anniversary gift of nothing.  nothing!  not a thing!  not even a fucking phone call!  i'm not kidding!!!'


+ 'i hope you all had a great holiday', craig ferguson states, 'i, for the holiday period, went to scotland.  i enjoy going back to the country where i was born.  it must be what its like to be barak obama visiting kenya.  relax, its a joke!  i know he's not from kenya!  while i was in scotland, the world said goodbye to one of the last old school dictators kim jung il.  goodnight, crazy lesbian.  we've talked about him all the time, now that he's gone, i dont know what we will do now, we'll have to resort to something crazy like original material!  the new ruler of north korea is kim jung il's son.  thats an amazing coincidence- the elections must have gone very quickly!'
- carrie fisher
- matthew gray gubler


+ 'happy new year!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'i hope you all had a good time, i was in scotland for new years.  its called 'hogmanay' in scotland.  now, some people think hogmanay comes from the northern french word meaning 'new year's gift', but actually its the sound you make when you throw up a bottle of champagne!  for the new year many people make resolutions, its a good idea to share with your coworkers so you will be motivated.  this year geoff and i made resolution to make this show less filthy and more intellectual.  ha ha ha!  yeah, right!  personally, resolutions make me want to do something more!  if i make a resolution i go 'argh, i'm not going to do it', which makes me really want to do it!  i dont like anyone telling me what to do, even if its me telling me what to do!  a couple years ago my big resolution was to spend part of every day learning spanish, that was my big resolution.  and it was over by... whats the spanish word for 'mid-january'?  so this year i'm just avoiding the whole thing so nobody is el disapointo.'
- tim meadows
= eliza doolittle
myq kaplan