+ 'i'm very excited because on sunday, of course, its the oscars, or academy awards if you want to get technical', craig ferguson states, 'its a special night where hollywood's biggest stars dress in hollywood's fanciest clothes and go to hollywood's crackyist neighborhood. it is, its very cracky up there. here in l.a. the oscars is like a national holiday, people spend all weekend putting on the mascara, getting the lip stick right, taping their boobies together. and the women are worse! that anual oscar joke, brought to you by t-moble. anyway, i havent seen all the best picture nominees, it was easy to see them where there were only five, now theres like twenty five or something. there's more best picture nominees than there are kardashians. i guess i could just rent the lesser known ones in a couple months, just like the kardashians! my favorite movie of last year was 'true grit'. it has three things to support it in my book: 1. its got an old guy with a bushy beard, 2. its got a girl who wont take any crap, and 3. its the only one i've seen.'


+ 'its a great day for the american space program', craig ferguson shares, 'this afternoon the space shuttle discovery took off from cape canaveral, florida. godspeed, discovery crew. by the way, this is true, i looked this up this afternoon. you know what the area code is in cape canaveral, florida? 321! isnt that adorable? 3 2 1! 3, 2, 1, blast off! i think the phone company should give out cute area codes for everyone. like, for sesame street: 123, 420 for willie nelson's house, dick chaney's house: 666. anyway, i want to talk about the space program tonight, you know, the final frontier: space. so just to get it out of the way, lets just do it: uranus. there. anyway, right now the space shuttle discovery is on her way to the international space station. she was supposed to go last november but she wasnt ready. now, i'm saying 'she' because thats how you refer to ships, and because they take forever to get ready! hay hey hey! that was a joke. anyway, today's shuttle mission has six members on board. its great to watch it take off, but today's launch is a bit bittersweet because the space shuttle is, like everyone else in florida, at retirement age. after this flight the shuttle is retired. not retired like brett favre, it wont unretire in a few years and start taking pictures of its booster rocket, its retired! the shuttle will be dismantled and sent to the smithsonian and put on display along side other important milestones in technology like the fonzy's leather jacket.'
- forest whitaker craig set up a twitter account for him, click his name to check it out!


+ 'its a great day for america, everybody!' craig ferguson states, 'you may say 'craig, can you back that up with any kind of evidence?' yes i can, for one thing we are not in the middle east. its another very chaotic day there. the fighting continues in libya, the low budget bond villian moumana-minana-margarie kadafi has promised to die protecting his brutal regime. just looking at him you can tell hes a guy who has a bad idea but sticks with it. anyway, last night kadafi went on the libyan tv and he talked for over an hour, we was rambling, he was incoherent, nobody was paying any attention. now he has crossed the line! that is my thing, buddy! mine! here's how bad it is, the president of iran, machmoodimadinnerjacket, has said that kadafi has violated universal human rights and must step down. let me repeat: the guy in charge of iran has said kadafi has gone too far! thats like an austrailan bartender saying you've had too much to drink. that actually happened to me! this bar maid said to me 'youve had a bit too much to drink' and i said 'how dare you!' then i stopped drinking shortly after that. well, a couple years later... anyway, in the last month the protest have toppled the regimes all over, in egypt and tunisia, and bahrain is collapsing. yeman is in chaos as well, cyria is strambling to get out of the way. today, in saudi arabia, the king announced a 37 billion dollar handout to his people and i'm thinking 'well, theres a coincidence'. the king is thinking 'maybe its time i gave out a lot of money'. 'why?' 'oh, i dont know why...' theres only one reason you hand over that much money, youve had the crap scared out of you, thats why! its a kind of 'please dont have a revolution' check. the saudi king says the 37 billion dollars are to help out the poor people of saudi arabia. i'm like 'really? saudi arabia has poor people?' yes, it does have poor people. saudi arabia takes in half a trillion dollars a year in oil revenue and the country has a population smaller than new york state. but when your system of government is 11th century monarchy, somebody is going to end up poor, and its not going to be the guy named 'king'. thats how its gonna work, i understand these things.'


+ 'its a great day for the city of chicago', craig ferguson shares, 'today they get to choose a new mayor. it was a very close race, the results are in, so congratulations, winner. no, congratulations rahm emanuel. 'how do you know that craig?' its chicago, i called a guy last week, its rahm emanuel. until last october, rahm emanuel worked in the white house, he was president obama's chief of swearing. he is famous for being cussy, he likes to swear. if he were a late night talk show host, he would be me! if he were daytime, he would be regis. regis has got a mouth like a sailor! and thighs like a gladiator... made myself sick a little bit there. anyway, if rahm emanuel is elected mayor of chicago, he will have to keep his mouth clean. he wouldnt want to sully the otherwise spotless reputation of chicago politics. i'm saying the opposite of whats true for comedic effect. i like rahm emanuel. remember that guy rob blagojevich? he tried to sell obama's senate seat and then, i think he got impeached. i dont remember, i just remember his helmet of hair. anyway, the city of chicago has a lot of problems, but i think rahm can handle it. cause, this is true, his brother ari, ari emanuel, is my agent. aha! so the emanuel family is used to cleaning up messes!'

three years

wow! its been three years since we started this website dedicated to 'the late late show with craig ferguson'! oh, how the time flies when you are having fun! it has been a blast watching craig every night and pulling out some of the gems from each episode. there have been a ton of changes since this site started: craig now wears a tie (loosely, of course), he's gotten a robot skeleton sidekick, he has started tweeting, had hundreds of guests, written a couple books, gotten an awesome snake mug, and i was even lucky enough to go see him in person! we hope you enjoy the work we've put in to this site and encourage you to check out the rest of the great stuff on this blog!


+ 'its friday and i'm very relieved', craig ferguson shares, 'i feel that my three week old son will probably take the weekend off from crying. they are so unreasonable at that age! i mean, i'm like 'i think we get the message, you are upset. we have done everything we can'. anyway, i'm pretty tired, so if the show sucks tonight, well, it will be because its this show, thats why it will suck. and contrary to what the warm up man may have told you, you have not won anything. there is no chocolate, no free chicken, no t shirt, no hat, no refrigerator, no beautiful model, no band, no talent- nothing! however, if you do hang around you will see effort, effort from a desperate sweaty man who just wants to make it through just like you do! i know i'm not good, but gosh darn it, i'm relateable! i know what you are thinking as well, 'craig did you just say 'gosh darn it'?' yes i did. why? because i've given up cussing. well, lets see if i make it through an entire show without cussing, for truly that would be a great day for america!'
+ dj qualls stops by to help out with emails and tweets


+ 'its a sad day for humans', craig ferguson states, 'last night on the jeopardy show a computer defeated two of their greatest champions. it was, you know, man versus machine and the machine won. experts say they havent seen two humans beat this badly since yesterday's jerry springer! this is a big deal! never before has man been defeated by technology on a game show. except that one time backstage on 'who wants to be a millionaire?' when regis got his hand caught in a soda machine. 'give me my fresca, dammit!' you have to be smart to win jeopardy, its not like 'wheel of fortune', their contestants could be beaten by an electric razor, on jeopardy you have to be smart! anyway, they gave the computer a million bucks last night for winning. the computer spent the money the only way it knows how: hookers, blow, and motor oil. soon it will be on 'two and a half men'. anyway, ibm gave the money to charity. i find this computer fascinating, cause aparently he was programmed with millions of pages of information including dictionaries, encyclopeidas, bibles, novels, and plays. i'm thinking its just a matter of time before the computer gets hungry for some crap! 'i'm sick of shakespeare, get me that book by snookie. ha ha, i'm just kidding, she didnt really write it! ha ha ha.' some machines are very smart, but will a machine ever be able to smell a flower or experience joy? and by joy i mean joy behar.'

craig ferguson as dr. who

as you know, craig ferguson is a huge 'dr. who' fan. he has often shared stories of watching the show with his father growing up, and has even had the latest actor to play dr. who, matt smith, on the show for a special 'dr. who' themed episode! well, recently an artist named blair d. shedd, who is actually the illustrator of a four issue 'dr. who' comic book from idw publishing. as a bit of an homage to a fellow dr. who fan, blair illustrated craig as the doctor himself! he even threw in one of craig's monkey puppets as a sidekick!
check out more of blair's work at his website here- its pretty good!


+ 'its a great day if you are in to fashion, a great week if you are in to fashion', craig ferguson interjects, 'right now in new york its fashion week, which is like shark week for gay dudes. new york city has gone crazy this week for fashion week. they say that manhatten hasnt been this packed with emaciated models, bitchy men, and piles of cocaine since last week. new york city, of course, considered one of the four fashion capitals of the world. youve got new york city, paris, london, fresno. i'm just kidding, no one cares about london. anyway, fashion week makes me feel old. i dont know if its the 19 year old girls modeling the clothes, or the 24 year old designers designing the clothes, or the 12 year old chinese kids stitching the clothes, but it all seems to be about the young people. i wish i was in new york for fashion week. not for the fashion, but because its raining here in l.a. and when it rains here, i am reminded that the weather is the only thing this town has going for it. i'm telling you its true! without sun, l.a. is just fresno with bigger boobies.'
+ chris hardwick stops by to help out with tweets and emails.


+ 'its a bit of a nerve wracking day here on the west coast', craig ferguson admits, 'mt saint helens has been rumbling again. yesterday under mt saint helens was the biggest earthquake in thirty years, it was 4.3 on the richter scale. thats huge for up there! down here in l.a. 4.3 wouldnt even make our fake boobies jiggle, but up there its big! it wouldnt even tussle justin biebers hair, it wouldnt even break lindsey lohan's necklace. alright, alleged necklace... anyway, even with the earth quake, scientists cant predict when mt. saint helens will erupt. its kind of like the oscars, everyone watches it because they know its going to blow... back in the 17th century, johannes kepler speculated that volcanos were the earths tear ducts. and it turns out he was completely fucking wrong! you know, he's remembered as an astronomer, but the man was clearly an idiot. i look forward to your letters. anyway, today scientists understand that volcanic eruptions are actually caused by underground midgets who have eaten too much mexican food. alright, that was insensitive, i'm sorry, i shouldnt have said that, i should have said 'mexican cuisine'. i look forward to your letters too. volcanic eruptions can be dangerous, but they are also quite beautiful. its rather breathtaking! seeing that magma hatching from the earth's crust, like seeing lady gaga coming out of an egg, like ricky martin coming out of a closet- its just a beautiful thing!'


+ 'it is of course, valentines day!', craig ferguson reminds us, 'happy valentines day, everybody. now valentines day is a big deal, i dont know much about the actual saint valentine, and it turns out, nobody else does either. i'm looking it up today and theres a lot of different saint valentines. apparently saint valentine was either a spanish hermit, an italian bishop who was martyred, or a roman preist who was beheaded. because nothing says romantic love like hobos, martyrs, and beheadings! anyway, the first official valentines day was declared by king henry the 8th. oh! he was a very lovely romantic man, married six times, he was. he was the larry king of his day! actually, thats not fair, thats not true. it was the 16th centrury, so larry king was actually there... the first valentines card was sent int he 16th century from larry king to his first wife. 'you are beautiful, sexy, and classy, now kiss me before i get gassy'. anyway, king henry the 8th though, made st. valentines day a holiday. people say this is awful because he killed most of his wives. not true! he only killed 30% of them! king henry the 8th starting valentines day is like michael vick starting PETA, or like woody allen starting 'take your daughter to work day', or like mel gibson starting hanukkah- it just doesnt make sense!'

craig's harmonica mouth organ

'awkard pause or mouth organ?' craig ferguson asks every night. the guests usually go for the mouth organ even though they have no idea how to play! well, do you want your own mouth organ like the one on 'the late late show with craig ferguson? find it here and practice so that if you are ever on the late late show you can impress craig with your mad playing skillz!


+ 'i'm very excited because A. its friday, and 2. its a big weekend at the movies', craig ferguson states, 'i like going 'a and 2' just like that. cause the new justin beaver movie... i mean bieber. its a genuine mistake, its a genuine mistake!' at which point geoff peterson says 'lesbians!' craig yells 'youre not helping! i made the genuine mistake and then you said 'lesbians', and i saw michael [the show's director] go 'aw, crap'. anyway, look. we are all excited here because the new justin bieber movie 'never say never' is coming out. now, theres another movie coming out called 'gnomeo and juliet'. now, gnomeo and juliet and justin bieber are very different of course, one is about an adorable garden gnome, and the other is 'gnomeo and juliet'. now the justin bieber movie coming out is called 'never say never', not to be confused with the james bond movie called 'never say never again'. thats the one where sean connery returned to play james bond after ten years off, and clearly he had been eating during his time away. remember that? it should have been called 'never say never to a piece of pie'. but he got in shape after that movie he just did that movie and the next movie he was back in shape. he must have watched that movie and gone 'aw crap, i've got bigger boobysh than octopushy'. in the trailer for the bieber movie when they say 'they said he'd never make it', i'm like 'the kid is 16!' how long were they telling him he was never going to make it? two weeks or something? 'you'll never make it!' two weeks later 'ha ha! that shows you with your endlessly saying i'll never make it!' anyway, i like the title of this movie, 'never say never'. its a classic example of a paradox, an inherently self contradictory statement. never say never. you cant never say never because you just said never! other examples of paradoxes are 'i always lie', or 'great story, regis', or in fact, 'cbs cares'. you know who this movie hurts the most though? the jonas brothers- forgotten! 'we wore purity rings and we remained virgins for nothing?' thats right, jonas', those purity rings turned out to be obscurity rings!'
* science writer jennifer ouellette winner of the prestigious golden harmonica!

why did jennifer beals hit her boyfriend?

at the end of thursday's episode of 'the late late show with craig ferguson', the little kitty asks the question he always asks: what did we learn on the show tonight, craig? 'now listen, we learned a lot on the show tonight. i learned a lot. i learned about the problems in the gulf from our old friend jean michel. we learned about beaver creek and how it has the oldest strip club in america. we even learned that chris hilty, the sound man for this show, saw two hobos having sex in santa monica. but what we never learned is why jennifer beals hit her boyfriend with a camera. i've been doing this job for years, the first thing you should do is when someone announces something like that, you say 'wait wait wait. nevermind about the project, why did you hit your boyfriend with the damn camera?' but i didnt. man, i think this is the beginning of the end... oh wait a minute, its CBS, they dont care! no, everything's fine. although, i would like you to send me in suggestions of why you think jennifer beals hit her boyfriend with a camera! and the five best ones will win a photograph of an ostrich! cant be any more fare than that!'
if you've got any great insight or funny ideas, go ahead and email craig here!


+ 'its not such a great day for a congressman from new york who had to resign last night', craig ferguson shares, 'you know, its the old story: boy meets world, boy sends sexy pictures over the internet, girl sends pictures to the media, boys wife finds out. social experts refer to this as 'pulling a favre'. i love following a story like this on the news because its being reported from different angles. msnbc, that leans very far to the left, they said 'married republican trawling the internet for sex!', fox news said 'congressman displays body tones by patriotism!' the bravo network are just like 'eh, ok'. now i've heard people say 'come on craig, this guy is a politician, its not our business where he puts his pee pee'. and i agree, but he did and i checked, he voted against the repeal of 'dont ask dont tell', so he is clearly worried about where other people put their pee pees. but thats not the issue, i'm glad he resigned. not because he was trying to 'hook up' as the kids say. i am glad this guy resigned because he is clearly an idiot! i dont care about his politics or his sexual preference, this man is clearly an idiot! he doesnt know how the internet works! 'oh, i'll just put a naked picture up, what could possibly happen?' are you mad?!? what the hell is wrong with you?'


+ 'after careful consideration, a city in indiana has decided not to name a building after a late former mayor', craig ferguson states, 'this may or may not have something to do with the man's name. which was harry baals. i am not making that up, that was his name, harry baals. harold ball, obviously, but he was known as harry baals. when they reached his family for comment, the apparently got pretty testy. they got testy, they though the policy was nuts. someone should get sacked.'

lex shrapnel

while talking with emily blunt on the show, craig ferguson asks her if she has ever done any shakespeare. she says she has and was actually in 'romeo and juliet'. craig asks her who played romeo and she said that it was a guy named lex shrapnel. craig goes nuts, stating that that is the greatest name he has ever heard! he then vows to have lex shrapnel on the show some time. after the guests are gone and craig comes back for the closing segment of the show, he says 'so anyway, we found online a picture of lex shrapnel, the actor who played romeo with emily blunt. lex shrapnel, the man with the best name in show business. i know what you are thinking, 'criag, you are mocking'. no, i am not mocking at all. this is only the beginning. in the future, when people are gathered around campfires, they will say 'do you remember lex shrapnel movies? they began around 2011, thats when they really began to kick in. how did lex ever become the enormous super mega star action hero that he became?' i'll tell you why, because tonight one man was willing to stand up and say 'i am here for you, lex shrapnel!'. we will bring you over from whatever god forsaken european country you are in and you will be invited on this show, second guest probably... baby steps, lex, baby steps. but from that appearance it will grow and it will grow, and you will become the biggest movie star in the world! and when that happens perhaps you will get me out of this fucking shit hole!!!'


+ 'vice president joe biden made a big announcment today, and this is amazing this', craig ferguson shares, 'when i heard it i was shocked. i was shocked they even let biden speak! biden is usually proped up in the corner of the room. he's like hannibal lecter strapped in to the thing! anyway, joe biden's big announcement was that theres a 53 billion dollar spending plan for building a new train system. its no big surprise because when ever biden says anything its usually about trains, hes like 'ah! take the train to work! trains! i love trains! i wish i was a train! trains! trains! trains!'. he loves trains, is what i'm saying. he loves trains like garfield loves lazagnia, like larry king loves wedding cake, like bret favre loves his iphone, like oprah's half sister loves being oprah's half sister! maybe he even loves trains like i love my pet ferrets. 53 billion dollars though is a lot to spend on trains. to ofset the cost, they are planning on raising the price of a train ticket to 53 billion dollars. to be honest i'm not sure the government should be spending that much on building trains. you know what they should do? just spend 53 billion dollars on just one train! a train that shoots flames out of its ass! does a train have an ass? well, for 53 billion it can! yes! biden says the trains wont be ordinary, they will be fancy like european trains. these trains will be super trians, they will travel at 250 miles an hour! but the critics are saying the spending plan is too ambitious, it cannot be done! but every day america shows us that nothing is impossible in this country. need i remind you all: snookie wrote a book!'
* egyptologist kara cooney

liam james ferguson

'do i look tired to you?' craig ferguson asks, 'this is the most i've slept in the past week. i'm sleeping right now. i'm very happy though, on january 31st, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby boy: liam james ferguson. thank you very much'. the crowd applauds. 'and i was there. i was right there, like the whole thing. i saw the whole thing, i was at the pointy end. right there. i was right there for the very absolute... oh. anyway, the good news is liam was 8 pounds, and 21 inches long. and that apparently, makes him a genius, which he is of course. now i've got two sons. now i just need a couple hundred more, and we will take over the world! look, i know this show can be a little dodgy sometimes, but tonight, i think it could be really bad. now, the good news is, i couldnt give a rats ass. i'm just trying to be purposefully worse than usual so the audience will be quite and i can get some rest. he's a very good baby, but he is a baby and he follows baby rules: aghh! and he does not respond to debate!'


+ 'its official, yesterday's super bowl was the most watched tv program in history', craig ferguson exclaims, 'take that soccer! take that moon landing! anyway, congratulations to the green bay packers who beat the steelers 31 to 25. it shouldnt have been that close, but green bay's recievers dropped 8 passes. now, football fans havent seen that many mishandled balls since texts from bret favre. did you notice yesterday there were no cheerleaders, cause neither the packers nor the steelers use cheerleaders. thats because they are old school, you know, smash mouth football teams, they dont have time for that spandex crap. and because its too damn cold in pittsburg and green bay. cheerleaders arent going to dance around in a blizzard in those little skirts. those things that they shake would freeze, and so would their pomp pomps. i watched the super bowl at home. i thought about going, there's a super bowl party every year at the talk show late night talk show club house, but it gets a little weird. i went there last year and jay leno was looking for something to cut the cake and conan said 'why dont you use the knife you left in my back'. awkward! awkward! anyway, the packers of course, are celebrating by going to disney world. i'm surprised that disney still does that, especially since michael vick is back in football. you know who is going to be worried about that? goofy!'
+ dominic monaghan stops by to help out with the tweets and emails


+ 'its a great day for me because i just got my tickets for the ren fair this weekend', craig ferguson shares, 'im genuinely excited. before you judge me, understand i'm going for two reasons: 1. ren fairs hearken back to a simpler time of chivalry and honor, and B. boobies! yes! people at ren fairs ware those corsets that smoosh their boobies together! women do it too! ren fair of course, is short for renaissance fair. as far as i'm concerned, there are two types of people in this world: those who love ren fairs, and bastards. i got six tickets for the ren fair this weekend, one for me and five for my ferrets. they are very excited, i made them little outfits and everything. i'm not going to tell you what ren fair i'm going to because i dont want any weirdos to show up... cause the last thing you want at a ren fair is weirdos! know what i mean? guys with the hats and the bell tipped shoes and all that. although i admit i do love dressing as a jester. i love wearing the bell tipped shoes which are very comfy, more comfy than wearing the bell tipped underwear. with my bell tipped shoes everyone can hear me coming, with my bell tipped underwear... classy show tonight i've noticed'.


+ 'it is a big day for china', craig ferguson informs, 'its the chinese new year today. look, if you thought thanksgiving was a bad day to travel, its nothing compared to chinese new year. its a huge day for travel in china is what i'm saying. 230 million people in china will travel for the new year. 230 million, thats a lot of people, thats like 1 percent of the population. anyway, today is the beginning of a new year, its the year of the rabbit. its the year of the rabbit, so everyone start humping! i love the fact that this year is named after the animal best known for having a lot of sex because last year was actually the year of the tiger. 'was that a tiger woods joke, craig?' might have been. i was born in 1962, which was also the year of the tiger, but it doesnt make sense because i was raised by a pack of wild ferrets. anyway, i'm glad its the year of the rabbit. i think its going to be the bestest rabbit year ever! some people think rabbits are rodents, because they look a bit rodenty, but they are not. they are a different species, theyre bigger, they have bigger teeth, and they poop a lot more. its kind of like how kloe is different from the rest of the kardashians...'


+ 'its groundhog's day today', craig ferguon states, 'its on this day that the people of pennsylvania force a groundhog out of its lair and then if the groundhog bursts into flames, it means global warming is closer than we think. no, if the groundhog sees his shadow, it means six more weeks of winter. if he doesnt, everyone can put on their bikinis and show off there boobies. you too ladies. i love that movie 'groundhog's day' though. its one of those movies thats so entertaining you dont realize that it claims a deep spiritual message, like 'its a wonderful life', or 'busty cops 3'. busty cops 1 and 2 are so superficial. what i'm saying is the movie groundhog's day is a great metaphor because bill murrey is forced to live the same crappy day over and over and over again. he has to live the same day over and over again until he changes his self destructive habits. its not very hard for me to relate to that...'


+ 'welcome to the show tonight', craig ferguson welcomes, 'today is of course the first day of black history month. i want to talk about about that tonight. i know what you are thinking, 'craig! you are not black!' right, i'm not. if you noticed, then the lighting in this studio is getting better. i am not black, of course, but i am an american. and so i think its kind of important. people say 'craig, you cant do a show about black history month, what do you know about black history?' nothing! thats why i need to do a show about black history! see, a few years ago i became a citizen of this country, it was a very proud and patriotic moment for me. and i'm still proud and patriotic, i'm very happy to be an amercian. however, in an attempt to know my country better and be a better amercian, i studied our nations history a little bit. not as much as you guys, you did it in school, i just did a little bit. but of course, as i read about our nation's history, its not just all flags and singing. dr. cornel west wrote, and i quote, 'black people have never had the luxury to believe in the innocence of america. although we have experienced the worst of america, we still believe that the best of america can emerge'. now, how could i, as an american, not want the best of america to emerge. so, there will be no robot and no dancing horse. they will be back later. listen, i do the robot and the dancing horse every night. see this is kind of like a little sandbox, this show. one of the advantages of being on a show that the network doesnt actually know is broadcast is that you can do what you want. and every now and again, i can do whatever i want, and tonight i want to do a show about the history of the black people in america.'

1000th elton john joke

craig ferguson, well known for recycling jokes, has reached a new milestone! whenever there is a chance to make a joke about a gay party, he always throws in a comment about a party at elton john's house. well, he finally told his 1000th joke about elton john! and here it is for all to enjoy: 'i love the ball pit at chucky cheese. i dont know why, all those balls rubbing against each other. i like the ball pit, it reminds me of a party at elton john's house'. at which point the banner comes up '1000th elton john joke'. congratulations, craig! what an amazing legacy you have left behind for future late night talk show hosts to marvel over...


+ 'its a great day for me because rachael ray is here', craig ferguson shares, 'rachel ray is to cooking what i am to bedazzling. i am a black belt in bedazzling, it clashed with my shoes until i bedazzled it. rachael ray does a million different tv shows. she is the female ryan seacrest. wait, ryan seacrest is probably the female seacrest. take that, ryan seacrest, i dont know you, i dont really have any opinions about you, but i'm not above using you for a cheap joke! now, a couple years ago i was on rachel ray's show and i gave her my secret recepie for mashed potatoes. add an egg, it makes them fluffy! im not much of a chef, but i do know how to fluff your potatoes... anyway, i'm always glad when rachel ray is here because she's not afraid to get messy. it must not be easy to not put on weight when you are a cook, unless of course you are cooking meth. then the pounds just melt away! starting with your teeth. i'm trying to remember the last guest who cooked for me, i think it was william shatner. it wasnt on the show, it was after the show, just the two of us. i devoured a big ham. and then he cooked me dinner.'

bradley laise

bradley laise, a regular on 'the late late show with craig ferguson', stoped by the show tonight as a member of the audience. he regularly appears on some of the show's skits with craig. he is the little person who often accompanies craig in skits ranging from secretariat to 'access extratainment tonight with barney slash and john tesh'. craig calls him down and interviews him during the two minute segment at the start of the show.
'please state your name', craig grills him.

'bradley lace' he replies.
'if you are who you say you are', craig states, 'you appear on many of the sketches on this show, dont you bradley?'
'i do' bradley responds.
'when i came out to talk to the audience this evening, bradley lace, if thats who you say you are. which, it is who you say you are, but if is it who you are who you are. how come you are in the audience when you work here, bradley?' craig asks.
'because i got my arm twisted to come here' bradley responds.
'by whom, bradley?' craig asks.
'there's a cute blond in the front row there' bradley admits.
'you mean the one sitting next to your wife?' craig jokes, 'is this your passive aggressive way of saying we havent done many sketches recently?'
'well, it has been a while, buddy' bradley admits.
'i know what we can do. lets ask ourselves a question bradley', craig states, 'lets ask ourselves: who's that at the door?!?' then the two of them dance as secretariat comes out!