+ 'its a big anniverary today' craig ferguson reminds us, 'mine? no, mine's on monday- i remembered, just in time! no, its 106 years ago this very day, the wright brothers in south carolina i think, the first air plane flight. the first flight was just 12 seconds long. it would have been shorter, but they had to change planes in st. louis... the wright brothers, of course, were wilber wright and orvile wright. they were bicycle manufacturers, some how they got this crazy idea that they could build an aircraft. basically, they were the 'jackass' guys of their day. historians say the wright brothers were constantly tinkering with their airplanes. they spent years experimenting with various models. much like tiger woods... now i've told you this before, i love the aviation. im a bit of an aviation buff, i am. there is something magical about looking down from above. everything looks great from above: buildings, freeways, clevage.'


+ 'the most terrifying news story today', craig ferguson warns, 'is that octopuses use coconuts for shelter. octopuses have learned to use coconuts! i couldnt believe it, i always thought more than one octopus was called octopi, but its octopuses. what? thats what it is! i have no idea why, dont email me english majors, i dont care. but heres why it doesnt make sense to me: if you have more than one cactus, youve got a cacti. if you have more than one stimulus, youve got stimuli. if youve got more than fungus, youve probably had sex with bret micheals. but i do like octopi because it makes me hungry because i think of eight pies. and pie is the tarzan to my stomachs jane... that doesnt even make sense for this show! anyway, it turns out they dig up coconuts from the ocean floor and make stuff! isnt that adorable? they make shelters, weapons, pina coladas. my mother used to always say 'i'm not an octopus, i cant do eight things at once. which i never understood, just cause youve got eight arms, doesnt mean you can do eight things at once. its a ridiculous notion, although my mother did used to hide in a coconut.'
+ a collection of christmas specials from different famous people: sarah palin, andy rooney, kate gosselin, simon cowell, willie nelson, paula abdul, and tom cruise.

12-15-09 1000th episode!

+ for this special 1000th episode of 'the late show with craig ferguson' our favorite hand puppet, the crocadilli-alligator wavey is hosting! in fact, for the 1000th episode, craig isnt even on it! everything is over run with puppets! wavey interviews the guests, does the monologue, and introduces the show. the rest of the show is filled with puppets too, including all the regular bits. check out the pictures for more:
- jason schwartzman
+ a sean connery holiday memory. its the same old funny bit, but this time sean connery is a puppet of a goat. actually, it makes it even funnier!
+ dear aquaman. just like a regular aguaman bit where he answers emails, but this time aquaman is a shark with a human body and blond hair.
- dracula puppet by jason segal from 'forgetting sarah marshall' singing 'dracula's lament'
- kristen bell
+ a song with wavey, a harem of women, all the show's supporting players, and prince charles! (which is the only time we actually see craig ferguson on his own 1000th show)


+ 'guess what happened to me over the weekend', craig ferguson asks, 'i'll tell you. so, i was in nashville friday night, doing a little show in nashville, very nice, country music, everyone very pleasant, cowboy hats, cowboy boots, country music, politeness. lovely. saturday morning i have an early flight to l.a., but there is no direct flight from nashville to la on saturday morning, so i had to get a connecting flight through houston texas. a perfectly normal thing to do, people do it all the time. i get there early and i go up to the desk, everyone's very nice, i'm on the plane, a very small plane. and i'm on the plane and i think 'this plane is busy, theres just too many people for this small place'. its ten past six in the morning. then the gate agent comes on 'the flight is over booked, someone has to get off, its over booked and over weight'. and i'm like 'tell me about it, that exactly what i'm like!' so they are asking around to get people off, and i think well, i've got to go to make my connecting flight, but the flight is taking a while, i'm never going to make it. i say 'ok, ill get off'. so i get off the plane, i think 'well, i've got to get to l.a.' i get off and go up to the ticket agent. i ask 'all right, just get me to l.a.' they say 'oh, thanks for doing that.' i went 'its allright, you over booked the flight though' 'yeah, we've been doing that a lot lately'. i talk with this guy and he says 'i can get you back to l.a. through st. louis'. i get the ticket and i see its a six hour layover in st. louis airport. and as much as i like the people of st. louis, six hours aint going to cut it for me. i decide you know what, i'm going to get a car and drive up to atlanta and see a buddy who lives there. now, as im walking away, the guy says 'hey, i love your show'. and im thinking 'he knows i'm on tv...' and he says 'hey, dont bad mouth us on tv!' oh, there's no way i would bad mouth you on tv, CONTINENTAL AIRLINES!!! anyway, i went to see my buddy, stayed in atlanta for the night, and then i flew home on a big comfortable plane operated by DELTA AIRLINES who were very very nice! your welcome airline industry!'


+ 'do you know the hell of presenting a television show every night where you just talk?', craig ferguson asks, 'i'll tell you, you never know what offensive crap you are going to say next. this is why, what happens is this: the people like me, who are basically just wiseasses and just talk for a living, we would start doing these shows. we would just come out and say anything. soon we were saying things and people would go 'hey, you cant say that!' and they would be right. we were just talking. now what we do is we have scripts. we look at these scripts and ponder over them and lawyers come in and go 'yes, i think that would be acceptable for small americans' or you know, what ever it is, the group of people who would be offended by your 'comedy'. but heres the problem: i think i goes to far sometimes. cause what happens is, i had an idea for something to do on the show and one of the lawyers said 'i think this is in poor taste'. and i said 'yes, thats kind of what we do'. he said 'yeah, but i think its in poor taste'. i said 'you dont have taste, your a lawyer!' i said 'i dont care, is it legal?' see what happens is, everybody is an expert in comedy. if it doesnt make you laugh, its not funny. in drama you can get around it, cause if somebody says they liked it, you can say 'oh, you liked it did you?' 'what, you didnt like it?' 'no, i didnt like it.' then you can say 'oh, you probably didn't get it'. comedy is the opposite, 'oh, thats the kind of thing that makes you laugh? i only laugh at intelligent things.' now, i have something to tell you: if you only laugh at really intelligent things, its slim pickins here.'
- jim parsons
= they might be giants


+ 'its a great day for our present president obama', craig ferguson shares, 'he accepted a nobel peace prize in norway. i dont want to say this obama love is out of control, but his acceptance speech for the nobel prize just won the pulitzer prize and his over all performance won an oscar. theres a lot of controversy for president obama in norway, because he apparently snubbed the norwegian royal family. he snubbed them by canceling lunch with them. he was meant to have lunch with the royal family and he canceled. dont be silly, norwegian royal family, even if the president doesnt invite you just show up and crash the party, thats how we do it in america. the award is given out in oslo norway, which has been in the news this week because of the strange lights in the sky there. wait... a strange star like object over oslo just before obama arrives, a gift of a gold medal given by a group of wise men... nah. naaah. even msnbc are going 'no, you took it too far'. anyway, some people are saying its a light from a ufo coming to welcome obama, which is ridiculous cause if it were really a ufo, they would take joe biden back to his home planet.'
+ a sean connery christmas memory
# howie mandel
- paula marshall


+ 'oh, wait a minute', criag ferguson asks, 'morgan freeman is on tonight! see, now theres the thing! here's the thing though, morgan freeman is one of those guys where if he's in your movie, its better! no, its true, if morgan freeman is in the movie and there's like flippy baldwin is in it too, then you go 'oh, morgan freeman is in it, alright, i'll watch it!' well, he's here. and this is when we will break the rule. morgan freeman will be on this show, and it will still be crap!'
- morgan freeman
= overtones


+ 'earlier tonight abc aired 'a charlie brown christmas', craig ferguson shares, 'it was supposed to be on last week but was delayed for the presidential speech last week. i've always been a fan of charlie brown and the whole peanuts gang. its good to see the peanuts gang back together. snoopys not there though, no one has seen him since he spent that weekend at michael vick's house! uh oh! anyway, the peanuts cartoon has stayed the same since the '50s. i'm very glad of that, i dont like the idea of charlie brown aging, otherwise there would be specials like 'its your third divorce, charlie brown', 'its the great pumpkin size prostate, charlie brown'. you know who i think is like the peanuts gang: the late night talk show hosts. david letterman can be like charlie brown, he's the leader of the gang, but he's kind of cranky and depressed. and then conan o'brien can be like peppermint patty, you know he's freckly. and i'll be pigpen! the dude who makes an occasional appearance to stink the place up a bit, all covered in flies and everything. who's the kid with the blankey? linus? fallon.'

take a poll

the magazine marie claire is running a pole asking 'Which late-night talk show host would you sleep with?' it lists 9 different options, and among them is our very own craig ferguson! craig talked about this poll on monday's show when it was brought up by an emailer. at the time craig was by far in the lead- he had 74% of all the votes! want to add your two cents? curious about where the numbers are now? well, click here to check it out!


+ 'i'm troubled', shares craig ferguson, 'a couple things happened. one is that i've done something this weekend that i havent done before, and thats really upset me. my son wanted to see the harry potter movies. i've never seen them, i been making fun of them for years. thats easy for me to say 'oh that kid, he's a drunk midget' all that stuff. i've been making fun of it. so anyway, so i watched the first harry potter movie with my son. its awesome. awesome! and i'm like 'wait, wait. i'm was like 'oh, voldimort is right behind you, harry!' its fantastic and i've been making fun of it. now, i'm having a crisis, i'm having an existentialist dilemma. well, not as brainy as that, i'm probably just having a douche dilemma. here's my douche dilemma: i make fun of things, its kind of my job, you know? and i've been making fun of those vampires, you know the modern ones with good haircuts that are vegetarians and they care about your feelings. 'oh, new moon, i'm not going to see that'. what if thats good?!? and i've been making fun of it, and its good? then i'm thinking 'i've never listened to the jonas brothers, maybe their good!' what am i going to do?!? maybe everything i say is sucky isnt sucky at all! maybe i'm the one that sucks. i make fun of stuff i havent seen all the time. will i stop? no...'

craig ferguson's rattle snake mug

wondering how you can get your hands on a rattlesnake mug like craig fergusons? well, you are in luck! craig ferguson got his originally from mary mccormack when she went to the albuquerque rattlesnake museum, but i have discovered where to get one from if you are not able to quickly drive over there yourself. after scouring the internet for a place to find the mug (with a little help from some faithful readers...) i have figured it out!
i just got one for myself from the house of tasso, and it is pretty cool!  check out my pictures here.  you can get one of them by ordering online from here, or you can click the ad on the right!
+ check out craig's other mug too!
thanks for stopping by, and dont forget to check back here regularly for episode highlights of 'the late late show with craig ferguson'!


+ 'because its friday, there are a couple new movies coming out that i am very excited about', craig ferguson admits, 'no, i'm not really. i'm just going to see 'new moon' over and over again until my pants fall off. which usually happens as soon as the werewolves come on. i love the werewolves in that movie, they're not wolfy and theyre not werey. theres something about them that brings out the hairy beast in me, and he's hungry for meat. there's a new movie opening today, its called 'everybody's fine' staring robert deniro and drew barrymore. i like drew barrymore, i think she's lovely. remember when drew jumped on david letterman's desk and showed him her boobies? that happened here as well, except it was drew carrey. but, to be fair: awesome boobies! shame about the desk.'


+ in the opening bit craig invited a couple down and the man proposed to his girlfriend! very cool! (wish i had thought of that... i dont think my wife would have liked it though. she might not have said yes...)
+ 'last week adam lambert was kicked off 'good morning america' and today he was kicked off two more abc shows', craig ferguson shares, 'he's in hot water because he misbehaved on the american music awards. and when i say misbehaved, i mean he simulated gay sex. and if that's a crime, slap the cuffs on me, mister! tighter, tighter. the safety word is 'banana'. anyway, because of his performance, adam lambert is being dropped from abc's big new years eve show, cause, you know, he's doing too much gay stuff i guess. but the show is being hosted by ryan seacrest. mixed message anyone?'
- george lopez
+ a sean connery holiday memory
= onerepublic


+ 'you know, today three more women said they have had affairs with tiger woods', craig ferguson informs, 'i'm like 'alright! golf got sexy! some people are outraged, but i'm impressed- how does he find time to play golf?!? the florida police have now closed the case on the car accident, so they wont take him into custody and away from his wife, no matter how much he begs them to...'
+ kristen bell comes by to help craig read the emails
= paul shaffer
- shohreh aghdashloo


+ 'president obama's address to the nation was on earlier today', criag ferguson reminds us, 'all the networks who showed it, nbc preempted the jay leno show, it was his christmas special as well, i think: 'the chin who stole christmas'. abc had to postpone the charlie brown christmas special too. but here's the thing: cbs did not postpone its christmas special, it was on earlier tonight. it was, of course, the heart warming holiday favorite, the victorias secret christmas fashion show! those girls are so naughty its nice! the victorias secret fashion show is deceptive though, because that lingerie never looks as good on me. anyway, apparently, in the fashion show this year, a model wore a three million dollar bra. three million dollars?!? for that much it should turn your boobies into solid gold! that would be the best bond villain yet, goldboobies. anyway, women's underwear is so much more elaborate than mens. why should women have all the fun with the push up bras and everything. what about push up briefs? yeah!'
+ a sean connery holiday memory

a sean connery christmas memory

craig ferguson has a new segment on the show, this one has craig dressed up like sean connery sharing his christmas memories. the memories themselves always seem to involve drinking and having sex with a man or family member. or both. its not the funniest bit ever on the show, but its somehow just comforting to have craig doing his sean connery impression again, huh? now thats a warm christmas memory!


+ 'last friday was the busiest shopping day of the year', criag fergson shares, 'economists are saying that holiday sales are already below expectations, they are saying, but they havent yet counted the diamond ring tiger woods is going to have to buy his wife. he is in a lot of trouble, tiger. look, if your name is tiger, sooner or later you are going to get in trouble. you are not just going to play golf your whole life... anyway, heres the tiger woods situation: 2:00am friday, tiger's suv crashes into a fire hydrant and a tree. the police arrive, tiger is unconscious, his face is smashed up, and his wife is holding a golf club. now, people are speculating, the bloggers are going crazy, like 'shes holding a golf club, she hit him!' now wait, it doesnt mean that she hit him. think about it, in tiger woods' house golf clubs are everywhere, they do everything with a golf club. they cook with the golf clubs, they brush their hair with the golf clubs, 'honey, can you pass the meatballs?' with a golf club! and, if it was a domestic dispute, and he sees his wife coming up with a golf club, he'd probably be thinking 'oh, thats a terrible backswing, look how her elbow is sticking out!'.'
+ a sean connery holiday memory


+ 'a lot of people go home to see the family at thanksgiving', craig ferguson tells, 'heres a tip. if you want to save the air fare, this is what i do: you have to pick a fight with the family right before thanksgiving, then you don't have to make the trip. which reminds me, i'd like to say hi to my fat uncle gordan and my stupid aunt moira. cant wait to see you guys at thanksgiving, you jerks!'
- robin wright
-> wolfgang puck


+ 'do i look tired to you?' craig ferguson asks, 'i tell ya, i feel tired. i had such a long weekend, the weekend was so long, even though yesterday was monday and today's tuesday, cause i think i've seen the twilight movie like fifty times! nope. still havent seen it. cant do it. cant do it. trying to connect with popular culture, but just cant give a rats ass about it. trying to. now, i know that a lot of you are like 'well craig, it doesnt matter, this is america, you dont have to be into twilight.' i know you dont have to, but i have to, its my job. you know, i have to go 'hey, our next guest is from the twilight movie, hey!' ugh. and then on the tv they have 'the vampire diaries'. now, what kind of fucking vampire keeps a diary?!? 'dear diary, does dracula like me, or like me?' what happened? i know i've been complaining about this too long now, i've been complaining about the trendiness of vampires. you know it started with harry potter. i'll tell you why. hang on, i'll tell you why. soon.' craig tries to think on his feet, 'its because he's english. and thats a safe bet for me. and i'm scottish. so, if in doubt about who to blame, blame the english. thats what i always do. oh, look at the time, i've been talked way too long. well, i better stop and get to the commericals. commercials. you know who i blame for the commercials? harry potter.'


+ 'have you seen how much money that 'new moon' movie made?' craig ferguson asks, 'oh my lord! it made so much money, they havent finished counting it yet, its got to be nearly a gazzillion dollars. mostly from me, i've seen it 20 times! i'm just kidding, i'm not going to go see it. i'm not going to go see it! i'm not going to see a movie called 'new moon' that doesnt have a bare ass in it, what's the point?' new moon is, of course, the second in the twilight series. twilight fever is everywhere. in books, magazine covers, posters all over the place, everywhere i look i see thin pale skinned men with fangs and hair gel. then i leave my house and it gets worse. the first twilight is about sensitive vampires who talk about their feelings. what could be better than that? 'i feel vulnerable', but in this one its got sensitive werewolves who talk about their feelings as well. have you seen the new werewolf in the movie? thats not wolfy, thats more like a gay bear.'
# carl edwards, race car driver


+ 'its a great day, but also a sad day', criag ferguson laments, 'oprah winfrey announced that she's quiting the show in 2011. now you know why the mayans ended their calender in 2012, thats it! oprah's announcement today was very emotional, lots of tears, handkerchiefs, weeping. i tried to control myself, but i couldnt! once oprah leaves, the most powerful woman on tv is of course ryan seacrest, so everything will change! oprah has been doing her show for 24 years. 24 years! i cant imagine doing this show 24 years, i cant even imagine getting past the next commerical break! also, did you hear? even more bad news, did you hear about dr. phil's show? unfortunately he is going to keep going.'


+ craig ferguson gets an email from nina in manalus, new york. it says 'hi craig, my boyfriend just got a tatoo on his lower back, where it is referred to as a 'tramp stamp' for girls. is this normal for a guy?' 'i dont know. it depends what the tattoo is of, but even then, im not sure. i've got three tattoos, and i'm going to get more, i've decided that three tattoos isn't enough, i need at least 28. i've not got any tattoos where i cant see them because, and this is no disrespect to tattoo artists all across america, or across the world, but i don't trust you. so it has to be in a part of the body i can see', craig then looks over his shoulder, 'i can, but i have to go in a different direction. thanks coundalini yoga. i dont wish to blow my own trumpet, but i could if i wanted too...'
- sandra bullock
- ben foster


+ 'it's mickey mouse's birthday today', criag ferguson shares, 'so the mighty disney corporation declared today as 'micky mouse day'. mickey mouse is 81 years old today, 81. he's now officially the oldest rodent in show business, unless you count that thing on donald trump's head. now, mickey mouse isn't the only disney character who's growing old, all of them are. all the seven dwarfs now are grumpy, all of them. pinochio needs a blue pill now to get his nose up!'
- david duchovny he even gets to chat with wavy the crocodile
> lewis black


+ 'president obama's 9 day trip to asia is in full swing,' craig ferguson reports, 'he's visiting south korea, japan, china. the presidential trips like this require a lot of planning, the state department briefs the president, the air force clears the air space, the secret service leaves out dog food for joe biden. right now president obama is meeting with top chinese officials, and the american/chinese relationship has changed in the past couple years. we used to be the world's only super power, we would be standing head and shoulders above the other nations. we were like alec baldwin towering over all the other baldwins. oh steven and all the other baldwins, like corky, jermaine... thats actually quite accurate, isnt it, huh?'
- woody harrelson
* joe theismann


+ 'unlike most americans, i didnt go see 2012 this weekend', craig admits, 'it made a lot of money this weekend- the mayans warned us. a lot of people right now are wishing the mayans had warned them about the movie. oh, i shouldnt say that, there are some people who love watching the human suffering- those people are called divorce lawyers! usually the big disaster movies come out in the summer. i think with global warming it means that we are going to have to see movies like this all year round. and the movie is so successful, they are already, probably, i guess (i'm making it up). no its true- they are working on a sequel. when the world ends again! it will be called 2013: the legend of curly's gold! you're welcome people who enjoy topical movie references!'


+ 'its a big weekend for the movies, its the end of the world! hurrah!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'the movie 2012 comes out today. and like a lot of movies, it teaches us a valuable life lesson: and the life lesson is that we are all going to die. goodnight everybody. the movie 2012 is based on the mayan belief that the world will end in 2012. now keep in mind that the mayans believed the oceans would run dry, a jaguar would eat the sun, and jon and kate would last forever. so consider the source. anyway, the mayan calender ends in 2012. for the mayans it actually ended much ealier, the entire civilization was wiped out much earlier, the entire civilization was wiped out by the spanish. didn't really predict that, did you mayans.'
+ dear aquaman, featuring tim gunn
= harry connick jr. he and craig almost lock lips!
* peter segal

ratings win!

it was a good week for craig ferguson and the late late show. with all the changes that have been happening over the past year in late night talk shows, it looks like things are finally looking up for the underdog! all the late night shows on nbc have been shaken up, leno is on at 10, conan is now opposite dave, and jimmy fallon took over the slot conan left empty. each of these changes have gotten a bunch of publicity and a lot of attention. with letterman's scandal earlier this fall, he got a ton of attention too. that leaves us with one late night talk show host who seems to have been left in the dust: craig ferguson. well, he may not get all the publicity, but he still gets results! as tvbythenumbers.com reports here, for the first time since the shake up of hosts on nbc, craig ferguson has won the week in ratings against his competitors! this means that the average number of viewers for the week is higher for his show than for jimmy fallon! well done craig, it couldnt have happened to a stranger guy!


+ 'yesterday at an art auction, an andy warhol piece, which is called '200 1 dollar bills', sold for 43 million dollars', craig ferguon exclaims, 'whoa?!? who has that kind of money these days? i dont mean the 43 million dollars, i mean the 200 1 dollar bills! i would love to go to a big art auction, but i'd be afraid that i'd scratch my nose or pull my ear or something and i'd bid for some crappy thing i dont want. thats how i got this job!'
+ the rather late programme with prince charles
= trace adkins talks but doesnt sing, much to his surprise!
> nick griffin pretty funny


+ 'there is some very important news tonight, very important news! i cant be mucking around with jokes- theres news!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'finally, after a long year of campaigning, the winners were announced today for the toy hall of fame. its a real place! its in rochester new york, it was built 11 years ago, this is true, to recognized toys that have changed our lives. this is a real place, the 2009 inductees, i'm not kidding you, there's three: the big wheel, the game boy, and the ball. wait, wait, the ball?!? they have a toy hall of fame for 11 years, and the ball just made it?!? shouldnt the ball just be at the beginning? the ball should be right at the beginning with the stick. and boogers.'
+ fake george bush shows up to chat and help out with the e-mails
- kenneth branagh


+ 'it is today, sesame street is 40 years old', craig ferguson informs us, 'happy birthday! its officially now middle aged. cookie monster is going to have switch to a low carb diet. you thought oscar was grouchy before, wait till he gets that prostate exam!'
- adam arkin
* nina garcia


+ 'its a great day for germany,' craig ferguson reminds us, '20 years ago the berlin wall came down. i remember where i was: i was passed out in a dumpster. i actually dont remember where i was, but its a good bet, it came down twenty years ago, and i've been sober 17 years, i was probably sleeping in a dumpster... anyway, berlin twenty years ago, it was kind of the capital of cold war europe, the wall divided the city between east and west, between capitalist and communists. it was a symbol of oppression, like the statue of liberty is a symbol of freedom, or the hollywood sign is a symbol of resentment. anyway, the germans celebrated the only way they knew how, with a massive david hasselhoff concert. that's true!'
+ fake interview with governor schwarzenegger
- carla gugino
* dennis lehane


+ 'the holiday season is officially upon us', craig ferguson announces, 'because the movie 'a christmas carol' opens today. yes, that's right, christmas movies are being released earlier and earlier every year. now, i'm thinking al gore will blame global warming, but i'm not sure. the new movie is the animated version of jim carrey. does jim carrey really need to be animated? he's pretty cartoony already. i'm sure he will tone it down a bit for the movie. any time jim carrey doesnt make his ass talk in a movie, you know thats the one he wants an oscar for. i want to see his ass win an oscar, it would be a fantastic acceptance speech!'
- ewan mcgregor! another one of craig's best guests! two in one week- what a treat!
* anthony zuiker
= regina spektor


+ 'money's tight all over', craig ferguson shares, 'in fact, nicholas cage had to sell his bavarian castle. boo fucking hoo. turns out, nicholas cage is broke, he went from staring in blockbusters, to looking for a job at blockbuster. i'm actually concerned for nicholas cage, the market is quite soft right now for 500 year old bavarian castles... he also has to sell his haunted mansion in in new orleans. i heard that and i though nicholas cage has a haunted mansion? that is actually cool, he really is ghost rider! i've said it before, 'ghost rider' is the greatest movie ever made! if you dont like ghost rider, go and join your friends in tora bora, you al qaeda bastards! a movie about a skeleton who rides a motor cycle with his head on fire? come on! and they are making a sequel, but the producers are saying it wont be anything like the first one. well, you listen to me hollywood producers, you better not make it anything like that 'twilight' thing, with the sensitive vampires talking about their feelings, i dont want any of that! the ghost rider story doesnt need tinkering, i dont want a sequel where he's riding a sequel where he drives an old cadillac ghost riding ms. daisy or anything like that. just make the same movie again with different words- thats what i want!'
- denis leary
- jena malone


+ 'a few days ago, the largest cruise ship ever built set sail for the first time', craig ferguson shares, 'now, if you're like me, first of all, see a doctor and drink a lot of orange juice (there was a tip in there stoners...), you have been breathlessly following this ship's voyage. what happened is the ship left finland a few days a go, and soon will arrive in miami. its called 'oasis of the seas', its huge! its huge, this thing! its got a park on it, golf courses, its got a shopping mall. all the things you can do on land, with the added excitement of possibly sinking! the ship is five times as big as the titanic, so what could possibly go wrong? i'm sure everything is fine, they would never hit an ice burg, with global warning, there's no ice burgs left. anyway, the company that made the ship say that its environmentally friendly. its a completely green vessel. that means it doesnt dump anything in the ocean, all the waste created on the ship gets reused. in other words, dont order the lemonade... or the chocolate cake...'
+ dear aquaman featuring tim gunn
- mo'nique
* stephen fry


+ 'its a great day for our japanese friends', craig ferguson shares, 'its a big holiday in japan, japanese culture day. big day for me, i celebrate it every year. i do, november the third every year i put on a kimono and giggle like a school girl 'tee hee hee'. actually i do that nearly every day. i think my fascination with japanese culture began by going to japanese restaurants. you know when you go to a japanese restaruant and they shout at you when you walk in 'hersumase!' it means 'welcome', and i think is the shouting really necessary? i dont shout at people when i welcome them into my home, unless they are old and hard of hearing, 'good to see you again regis!'. i will admit, i used to think the whole japanese dinning thing was a joke, it was a put on. they're like 'lets see if we can get these people to eat raw fish with steaks, and then get them to drink hot wine, and then we will get them to sit on the floor without shoes on!'.'
+ celebrities read excerpts from craig's book. gerard butler
- valerie bertinelli
* dave barry


+ 'happy day light savings time, everybody' craig ferguson celebrates, 'as you can see its getting much darker at night now, much earlier at night. even though its live and its half past time in your region. this weekend everyone gained an hour, but it evens out, so your throwing an hour away. i'm not kidding, its going to suck more than usual tonight, but if you want to stay with it, i will too...'
- billy connelly the return of one of craig's top three guests!!!

new york times book review

with craig ferguson's new autobiography, 'american on purpose', out now, there have been many book reviews written. here is an excerpt from the book review in the new york times:
The fact that Ferguson has the Scottish version of chutzpah shouldn’t come as a surprise to regular viewers of his TV program, “The Late Late Show,” on CBS. Since his debut as host in 2005, he has evolved into something of an anti-Leno, trading the rapid-fire delivery of canned topical jokes cooked up in a writers’ room for something more idiosyncratic and risky: a loopy, seemingly ad-libbed monologue in which he talks with, not at, the audience.
check out the complete review here.


+ 'halloween is this weekend', craig ferguson reminds us, 'halloween though isn't just for kids. popular costumes that are selling like hotcakes this year are the jon and kate costumes. i cant wait until next halloween when no one remembers who the hell they are. i dont know what a jon and kate costume is. kate would be easy, you get a mullet wig and put it on backwards. but how do you dress like jon? i think you wear an ed hardy tee shirt and wear a sign that says 'jerk'. although, if you are wearing the ed hardy tee shirt you dont really need the sign. twilight costumes are quite popular too. when i was a teenager, this is true, when i was a kid one holloween i dressed up as dracula. but we didnt have any hair cream in our house, cause we were poor. hair cream is not beloved by scottish protestents. 'you cant be spending money to buy things to make yourself more attractive! hair cream, is it? next you'll be wearing trousers!' its true... we didnt have any hair cream, so i used butter to slick my hair back. so i go to the party and the butter is all melting. i was a teenager and i was excited, but i looked more like 'i cant believe its not dracula'. the butter is all dripping down my face, i'm wearing all the eye make up and stuff, because i'm a teenager and its melting into my acne. i went to the party as a vampire, but came back as a giant zit!'
- lauren graham
- jessalyn gilsig
= the fruit bats


+ 'today is a very important day', craig ferguson announces, 'it was on this day in 1923, that the republic of turkey was founded, its a big day over there. why am i talking about it? i'll tell you why: bit of a slow news day... i'll tell you why i like turkey, because its the only nation named after an animal. turkey was founded from the remnants of the ottoman empire. the ottoman empire was unstable, it collapsed when people put their feet up on the cushion. i've been to turkey, do you know how i got there? took the gravy boat. i went to the grand bazaar in istanbul and i bought a carpet. turkey is known for their thick plush carpets, unlike brazil...'
# newt gingrich


+ 'they are giving out swine flu vaccines now', craig ferguson shares, 'i want this vaccination, though. you know the word vaccine comes from the latin 'vacas', which means cow. so what happened in the 18th centery, an english doctor discovered that if you give people the cow pox virus, it would protect them from the more dangerous virus of small pox. thats why its called vaccination, from vacas, or cow. anyway, all over the country there is a shortage of this vaccine. i want to know why. if there is enough of the virus to cause the epidemic of the swine flu, then there should be enough to make the vaccine- its the same stuff! i smell a conspiracy! a virus is an organic naturally occurring substance, how hard can it be to grow? in places where they do have the vaccine, people are willing to fight for it. oh, this always happens before christmas, last year it was a tickle-me-elmo, before that it was the buzz lightyear thing, this year its the swine flu vaccine...'
# madelein albright
= rodrigo y gabriela great guitarists!


+ 'it's a great day for the u.s. navy', craig ferguson announces, 'because it's navy day. navy day started in 1922 to celebrate the brave men and women of the u.s. navy. now, the u.s. navy, was founded by john paul jones- who was a scotsman! he went to sea at 13 years old, he deserted the british merchant marine because he was discussed by slavery, and he founded the american navy. anyway, what i'm saying is that its navy day. i always fancied going to sea, being a sailor, but i'm not so sure i could take the lifestyle. you know, 'rum, buggery, and the lash'. well, i'm fine with a bit of rum and buggery, but i'm not into the lash. i prefer cuddling.'
+ dear aquaman, featuring tim gunn
- alicia silverstone near the end of the interview the lights went out! craig does a great job of covering and turning it into more of a radio show...


+ 'have you seen 'paranormal activity'?' craig ferguson asks, 'its the number one movie in the country. that means its great. this is the logic: more people saw 'paul blart: mall cop' than saw 'the shawshank redemption'. therefore 'paul blart: mall cop' is a better movie than 'the shawshank redemption'. do you see? thats right, more people saw it, that means its better. dont you understand capitalism?!? i havent seen 'paranormal activity', it sounds scary. its about a couple, they get a camcorder and they put it by the bed to record the things that go bump in the night, and also to see if anything happens with ghosts while they are asleep... the word paranormal means anything that defies scientific explanation. such as how does trump keep that thing on his head? how does a baldwin walk on its hind legs? people are making a big deal about 'paranormal activity' cause it cost 15,000 dollars to make. when i heard that, i was jealous! if we had that kind of money i'd buy suits, we would get a light or two in here, i would buy the audience tickets to a decent show, the price is right maybe. what i'm saying is that 'paranormal activity' will make a huge profit, but that doesnt mean its quality. no one will say 'that movie was garbage, but it only cost 15,000, so i'll see it three times'. i think some people are going to see this movie because it was make out of the studio system, you know, no special effects, no stars, its the little movie that could, its an underdog story. if you like this show, clearly you like an underdog story...'
+ interview with america's number one halloween expert henry winkler

party at elton john's house

its been previewed all week, with clips enticing us of what was to come. and friday we got to see it. unfortunately, craig ferguson was right when he said earlier in the week that it wouldnt live up to the hype. the main reason it was lame: the guy who played craig (craig played elton john) was crap. this isnt anything new, this guy has been doing stupid impressions of craig on bits for the show for a long time- please craig, i implore you: get rid of him! he brings everything he does down a notch. he is not funny, in fact he is an annoyance and i get angry every time i see him. he sucks!!!
other than that, though, the sketch featured salmon rushdie (not entirely sure why...) and a lot of orgy jokes. craig's turn as elton john was pretty funny though.


+ 'there's a movie coming out today called stepfather', craig ferguson informs us, 'i'm thinking, oh good, this is a nice movie about a loving dad, a step father. it's not- its a horror movie! its a horror movie about a step father does things like cooks dinner, makes the kids do their homework. all right, every now and then he chases them with an axe... but i'm thinking, dont step parents have a hard enough time getting along with the kids, and now hollywood is trying to sell the idea that stepfathers are twisted nut jobs? usually step fathers are fine, they arent creepy. well, unless your step father is woody allen... all i'm saying is that step fathers get a bad rap, so do step children. like the term 'red headed stepchild'. it doesnt mean they are a freak! a couple months ago there was a movie called 'orphan' and it was about an evil adopted child. its a rough time for family members that arent blood related. you know what movie i want to see? i want to see a movie called 'pervy grandpa'! 'who needs a spanking?' even cartoons are tough time on relatives. you know who i blame: fairy tales. exactly. 'what is a fairy tale, craig?' i hear you ask. it is simply a parable. 'what is a parable?' i hear you ask. a parable is an enigmatic allegory. i hope thats cleared it up for you. and what child doesnt love an enigmatic allegory?'
+ party at elton john's house skit
= toby keith
- michelle monaghan


+ 'i'll tell you who its not a great day for today', craig ferguson mournfully shares, 'its not a great day for the old folks. today the social security administration announced that there will be no cost of living increase for senior citizens. this is the first time its happened since 1975. and i for one, am reaching a point in my life where i'm interested in this kind of thing... i am, i'm feeling things that are happening in my body! are you there God, its me, craig! i'm often thinking about senior citizen things, i'm noticing more early bird specials where ever i go, i find myself watching reruns of matlock all the time! i'm strangely attracted to angela lansbury... legally there are three stages of aging. at 50 you can join the aarp, at 65 you start getting social security checks, and at 75 you are legally allowed to slap a waitress on the ass and call her 'toots'. i am 47 years old, in three years i can be in the aarp! me! me!!! 8 years from now i am eligible for senior discount at ihop. i can hear what you are saying 'craig, would you really suffer the indignity to get a dollar off pancakes?' your damn right i would! actually, i'm thinking of getting a fake id for ihop discounts before my 8 years are up!'
+ another preview for the friday sketch of 'party at elton john's house' it better be good (even though craig plainly states that its going to suck)
- forrest whitaker
* adam savage, jamie hyneman (the guys from mythbusters)


+ 'its not a great day here in l.a.' craig ferguson laments, 'literally, the city has been brought to its knees by a natural disaster. its scarier than an earthquake, worse than fires, crazier than mel gibson on a road trip, thats right: light rain in las angeles! a light smattering of rain. you can always tell when its raining in l.a., people loose their minds! rain in l.a. is like a tornado anywhere else. those of you in the audience should be aware, there is a leaky roof here, i'm not kidding. but this audience is from l.a., so in the event of a leak and the place floods, you can use your breast implants as a floatation device.'
+ preview for 'a party at elton john's house' skit coming on friday
+ paula poundstone stops by to do the emails with craig.
- kristen bell
- robert carlyle