tonight's episode is totally devoted to emails!  craig ferguson starts a new christmas tradition and welcomes all kinds of guests to come and answer emails with him.  at one point he tries to pawn off geoff peterson to johnny galecki, getting double gifts with jason segel for being half jewish, half gentile, and just the usual goofiness with his ol' skeleton robot sidekick.


+ 'only two shopping days left tell christmas!' craig ferguson warns, 'everything is all christmasy all over the place.  christmas movies are all over the place, 'its a wonderful life' is on all the time.  'mary clarence, dont ya know me'  awe, my jimmy stewart impression isnt so great.  it sounds like a parrot having a stoke  'do i taste pennies?'  everyone things of jimmy stewart as the 'all american' man.  this is true, in the beginning of his career, the hollywood movie mogals, the big wigs, they forced jimmy stewart to go to brothels to prove he wasnt gay!  thats true!  i'm thinking 'what? studio bosses pay for your hookers?!?  dont you want to prove that i'm not gay?'  its a wonderful life is, of course, about a man named george bailey, he's thinking about suicide, and he gets a rare opportunity to see what life would be like if he had never been born.  for decades people have loved 'its a wonderful life'.  its a great movie, but it seems to be out of date.  i mean, a mean old banker using unscrupulous methods to foreclose on working people's homes so he can line his pockets with their cash.  i mean, thankfully thats in the past, we have come a long way, there's no way that could possibly happen today...'
- kyra sedgwick
= frankie ballard


+ 'a lot of movies are coming out this weekend', criag ferguson discusses, 'tom cruise in the new mission impossible movie, and the tintin movie about the belgan dog or something.  they are very different movies, one of them has a tiny little creature that is more popular in europe than here, and the other is tintin.  also, war horse comes out.  i want to see all those movies, but the one i'm most excited for is 'the girl with the dragon tattoo'.  its based on the original girl with the dragon tattoo, but it was swedish.  over there its called 'un flicka wit den trampen stampen'.  the author of the book died of a heart attack in 2004 after walking up some stairs.  so let that be a lesson to you kids, take the stairs.  the dragon tattoo book is the first in a trilogy.  it was one of those trilogies where i bought the first book and i was like 'wow!  this is sensational! its really good, i've got to get the second book!'  i read the second book and i  thought 'ok, thats alright', i read the first book i was thinking 'you know, that first book was awesome!'.  at the end of the trilogy, the girl with the dragon tattoo gets a lightning bolt scar, becomes a wizard, and defeats voldemort.'
- jason lee
- felicity jones
= black dub


+ 'its the first day of hanakkah', criag ferguson shares, 'if you are celebrating hanakkah you probably arent into christmas caroling, of course.  tonight happens to be 'go caroling day'.  tonight you are supposed to celebrate christmas with a song!  for all you christmas carolers out there: dont come to my house.  and one more thing: ba humbug!  i'm not really a scrooge, i love christmas.  i love all holidays, especially the one you celebrate in your region with your ethnic group!  only a few more shopping days until christmas, the stores are packed with people buying gifts for family and friends.  did you know that some people actually buy presents for their pets? those people are called me!  i do, i buy gifts for my ferrets!  you know the great thing about ferrets? they are fucking stupid!  now, if you cant afford to buy christmas gifts for your kids this christmas, just give them your love and they will be just as happy.  ha ha ha!  the most popular toys this year for girls is something called the 'la la loopsy' doll.  one of the most popular gifts for this christmas is the t-pain microphone.  thats true!  its a microphone that you sing into and it makes you sound like the rapper t-pain.  i dont know much about t-pain, but his biggest songs are called 'buy you a drank', and 'i'm in love with a stripper'.  so let me address any parents who are watching: christmas is a wonderful time to teach your kids about bitches and hos.'
- robin wright
- parker young  he's pretty funny!


+ 'did you see that sherlock holmes movie over the weekend?' craig ferguson asks, 'it was fantastic i have heard.  i've heard its the best movie ever, i'm looking forward to seeing it.  i've never talked about this before, but i was actually up for a part in sherlock holmes.  not the movie, in the dinner theater production at the west alameda community theater.  i was this close to getting it! damn you, eric estrada!  sherlock holmes has been around for a while, of course, the original books came out in the 1800's.  did you know that in the original sherlock holmes he never actually said 'elementary, my dear watson'.  he didnt.  he did say 'oh please, senior ding-a-ling!'  robert downey jr. plays sherlock holmes in the new movies.  he's much sexier than the sherlock holmes i remember growing up.  he used to be played by basil wrathbone.  to me, thats what sherlock holmes is supposed to look like.  old timey sherlock holmes always smoked a pipe.  in fact, in the original sherlock holmes novels he didnt just smoke a pipe, he was also a cocaine addict!  thats true!  why would you cast robert downey jr. as... oh, nevermind...  i like robert downey jr a lot, i like him.  he's been through a lot and i like that he's open about his troubles.  but i'll tell you this: you cannot solve crimes when you are on cocaine.  my own research has proved that you cant...  you can, however, commit crimes!'
- regis philbin
= goo goo dolls


+ 'today is the day i've been looking forward to all year', craig ferguson admits, 'a big movie opens today.  some people wait for the twilight movies, some look forward to the girl with the dragon tattoo.  but for me?  its alvin and the chipmunks!  looks like the chipmunks go on a cruise.  i dont know if its a gay cruise, but you can make your own joke about storing nuts for the winter, though.  i miss the disney chipmunks chip and dale.  times are tough on chip and dale, they are male strippers now, shaking their asses at disney land, giving lap dances to goofy!'
- mindy kaling
nick griffin


+ 'it was a scary day at the naval shipyard in maine', criag ferguson shares, 'workers building on a new destroyer discovered in the guided missile system had been compromised by spiders!  they weren't just any spiders, the missile tubes had been taken over by deadly black widows!  worst of all, the deadly black widows came from los angeles!  i'm sure the spiders arent happy about the situation either, the crawled into a warm box in southern california and they ended up in maine in december!  its cold in maine in december.  how cold is it? so cold they are dipping lobsters in hot coco.  its so cold santa's sack is creeping back into his body.  the black widow spider gets its name cause the female kills the husband after they mate.  well, they are not technically married, there's no ring on the spider's leg.  she kills him as soon as she gets her lusty spidery desire satisfied.  but it makes me think why do male spiders keep getting it on with black widows?  in ancient mythology, spiders are a sign of patience.  they spend all that time weaving their web and then they wait until the unsuspecting prey stumbles into it and then its all over in a matter of minutes.  now a days we would call that 'kardashian marriage'.'
- sean hayes
* john hodgman


+ 'its a great day if you like barbara walters', craig ferguson shares, 'the most fascinating people special was on earlier tonight.  there is no surprise about one thing on this list: i'm not on it!  again!  not fascinating enough for you, barbara?  i've been a guest on the view and i thought you and i had something special.  something very very special... i let you see my sensitive side, barbara.  and by that i mean my penis.  she did have some great names, barbara, on this special though:  pippa middleton.  now there you are, who could be more fascinating than someone who is the sister of someone who has married someone who is famous just for being fucking born!  to be fair though, pippa is also famous for having an ass that looks good in a dress.  which is another reason i should be on that list!  other people on barbara's list include herman cain, the kardashians, simon cowell, and donald trump.  is this a list of the most hateful douche bags in america?  between them and pippa middleton, this really puts the 'ass' in fascinating!  katy pery is also on the list, i like her.  she's talented, she's pretty, and she's a great singer, but is it wise to put her in the same room as herman cain?'
- kenneth branagh
- patton oswalt


+ 'its a terrible week for us here in los angeles,' craig ferguson shares, 'first we had to say goodbye to khloe and lamar, it will take me years to get over that...  and, it turns out, the christmas lights here might be fake!  its true, the customs officials at the port of l.a. have seized a shipment of fake christmas lights.  i don't know what that means, they aren't merry enough or something?  everyone in l.a. is cockahoop about it though.  the phony christmas lights were sent here from china.  i heard that and was like 'whoa?!?  cheap unreliable products?!?  from china?!? has the world gone crazy?'  the fake christmas lights, the reason they are called fake is because they can be dangerous.  they haven't been tested, so they can start fires or give people electrical shocks.  which makes them perfect for me to wrap around my genitals.  that's right, there's nothing quite like the lighting of my scrotum.  authorities are warning people here in l.a. not to use the lights that might be fake.  good luck, authorities, fake is kind of our thing!  we've got the fake boobies, the fake people, the fake animal fur, the fake orgasms.'
- ben kingsley
- morena baccarin


+ 'today is the busiest shipping day of the year', craig ferguson shares, 'its the run up to christamas, the shipping company is doing twice as many shipments as normal.  so today would probably be the best day to send your drugs through the mail without getting caught...  today fed ex processed more than 17 million shipments, ups delivered 11 million parcels, and the us postal service handled the most important package of all: mine!  its heavy and it needs a lot of stamps...  i used to collect stamps, not postage stamps- tramp stamps!  i started down there and they go all the way up.  i had to stop when they reached the base of my neck.  not really.  anyway, with all the packages going out there are bound to be some ending up at the wrong address.  it happens to me occasionally.  i have to go to my neighbors house and say 'here is your sports illustrated' magazine, and then he says 'here's your ferret monthly magazine'.  a lot of packages this time of year get lost.  thats awful, you are promised something great and then nothing ever happens.  its like voting for obama!'
- dj qualls
-> cat cora

my own rattlesnake mug!!!

wow, that was fast! i ordered myself a couple rattlesnake mugs, just like the ones used by craig ferguson and geoff peterson on 'the late late show with craig ferguson', and boy are they cool! i put in the order on saturday, and they were waiting on my doorstep monday afternoon when i got home- now thats quick! anyway, they both arrived safely, no scratches or broken parts, and they even came with a little note from the woman who sent them from house of tasso!

this thing is pretty awesome- just like the one craig has!
the only difference between this one and craigs? this one doesnt have a tooth chipped off! thanks to house of tasso's fantastic shipping and packaging!
this thing will really start some conversations, thats for sure! i figured since its a rattle snake, it belongs among the foliage, right?

*update*  i got the mug that geoff peterson has too!  check it out here!


+ 'the big movie opening this weekend that i'm very excited about is 'new year's eve'',  craig ferguson states, 'a very important film that asks some very important questions: what is the meaning of life? does the world around us truly exist?  why are we here?  ha ha ha!  its not about any of that, its about celebrities hooking up and all that crap!  anyway, the movie has a huge cast in it, including moamar kadafi and kim jung il!  a libyan zombie and an angry lesbian have to share an apartment- can they get along?  you that movie and you will find out!  new years eve is made by the same people who made the hit movie valentines day.  wait a minute, reusing a successful formula instead of coming up with something original?  thats not the hollyoood i know!  the movie is set in time square, the producers say its a love letter to new york city.  no one sends letters anymore, its more like a penis tweet to new york city.  by the way, penis tweet was the name of my favorite cockatoo...'


+ 'the inductees for the rock and roll hall of fame were announced yesterday', craig ferguson states, 'its like the baseball hall of fame but with less drug use and more satan.  this is true, for a band to get their record in to the rock and roll hall of fame the record had to come out at least 25 years ago.  now, let me explain: a record is something that made noise when you rotated it.  what you do is you get the record, you put it under a sharp needle, spin it around, and it made a noise.  like a cat!  its a joke, i would never do that to a cat... there isnt a talk show hall of fame.  maybe there is, they just haven't told me...  the rock and roll hall of fame, the inductees this year include guns n roses, the red hot chili peppers, and the beastie boys.  they are great.  i'm sure they are all very happy to be inducted, because if there's one thing that excites guys who have spent their lives knee deep in sex and drugs, its a bronze plaque.'


+ 'theres something that happened in california yesterday that was really quite frightening', craig ferguson states, 'a cannonball smashed into a house where two people were sleeping, came out the other side of the house, bounced across four lanes of traffic, hit a roof on another house and then crashed through the window of a minivan. it was like a cartoon! police were only able to stop the cannonball by running ahead of it and painting a railway tunnel on the side of a cliff! i know what you are thinking: 'who could be of set off a cannon? who would be so irresponsible to set off a cannon?' hoodlums! the mythbusters did it! its my favorite show on television, except for anything on cbs, of course... the mythbusters were conducting an experiment, they wanted to demonstrate what a cannonball can do. so they got a cannonball, i don't know where you get one. they went to the mall and go to 'cannonballs and things', and then they fired it out of a cannon. what could possibly go wrong with that? remember the first rule of building your own cannon: don't build your own cannon!'


+ 'scientists say they have found a planet that's earth's twin', craig ferguson shares, 'it has ideal conditions for life, the temperature is 71 degrees, it has four seasons, the only difference is that its twice as large as earth. so scientists say that if there are people then they would be double the size of humans because of the gravity and size and stuff. it would be like a whole planet of kloe kardashians!'


+ 'today is a very important day for historians and drunks!' craig ferguson states, 'its repeal day. this is the anniversary of the glorious day when prohibition was repealed in 1933. now, some of you might not remember repeal day. i say 'some of you' because we do have some viewers who are younger than 80. prohibition was a dark time, alcohol was illegal and peppermint lattes werent invented yet. how did people make it through the day? i'll tell you: crystal meth! thats what they used, but back then it was called spunky dust! 'hey shopkeeper, got any spunky dust?' 'yeah, i'm just cooking up a fresh batch in the rear!' 'look out ivan, here comes johnny yankee with the spunky dust!' alcohol was illegal in this country from 1919 to 1933. 14 years! not a single person in 14 years sang karaoke! people back then thought prohibition would never end, and then just like herman cain, it was gone. i think prohibition was a wonderful idea because boom- just like that, they stop doing it! thats why i hope they never ban scrapbooking. 'hey g-man, if you want me to stop scrapbooking you will have to take the glue from my cold dead hand!' you know, what happened when they repealed prohibition, it turned the economy around. the government got huge tax revenues. they had been spending money keeping it down and now they made it legal and all this money was pouring in! it got us out of the great depression. if only there was something we could legalize and tax now that would help us out of this recession. if only!'


+ 'earlier tonight 'america's most wanted' came back', craig ferguson shares, 'i'm very excited about that. its on the lifetime channel now. it is! it used to be on fox but now its on lifetime. america's most wanted can get kind of grizzly sometimes, its only the second most grizzly thing on lifetime now. did you see the dresses on project runway last year? almost made me want to watch sports! almost... its funny to me that america's most wanted is on lifetime now, every week they are going to be searching for 'a man who wants to listen and then snuggle'. america's most wanted used to be on fox but then it was cancelled because the fox executives realized that the show was helping people! fox shows are usually just large cartoon characters who are big asses just making fools of themselves, like homer simpson, the family guy, or simon cowell... personally i like shows that do good things for people, i like it when tv gives me a warm feeling. thats why i always watch tv with my testicles on it!'


+ 'its a crazy day here in los angeles', craig ferguson shares, 'the city of angels has been attacked by mother nature's most brutal servant: a moderate wind. no, actually the winds have been very strong. it was windy last night in hollywood. how windy was it? it was so windy that arnold schwarzenegger was blown off his maid! it was so windy hugh hefner didnt need pills to get it up! it was so windy a shirt accidentally blew on matthew machonahoney! the wind blew so hard it was accidentally mistaken for the dodgers! the storm has died down though, but i am still taking precautions. i've got extra glue on my toupee. the best part of the windy days in l.a. is that you save money on face lifts! thousands of people lost power during the wind storm, a few parts are still in the dark. be careful, if you see a downed power line dont pick it up. no matter how tempting it is to pick it up and touch it to your genitals, dont do it! i learned that the hard way- the awesome hard way... my power went out for a little while last night and i thought to myself 'this is when i wish my house was powered by a wind turbine'. but then i look down at my team of little people on their treadmills and i thought 'no, its more cost effective and they are adorable!' i should get them clothes though. anyway, i woke up today and realized that the wind had blown a bunch of trash into my pool. and by 'trash', i mean a couple of spare kardashians and steven segal.'

ordering snake mugs

i finally decided to get one for myself! seeing that snake mug on craig ferguson's desk every night on 'the late late show with craig ferguson' was finally too much for me and i put in an order for one of my own! i decided to get the mug that craig uses as well as the one on geoff peterson's podium, so i'm going to be in for twice the snake fun! i found it online at house of tasso. i even got to talk to the woman who runs that site, she's really nice by the way! hope they come soon...


+ 'its a great day if you like stonehenge', craig ferguson shares, 'you know stonehenge, the famous old relic thats been around for thousands of years. archaeologists have just discovered that mysterious pits are under the earth at stonehenge. stonehenge has always been a puzzle, but now there are extra pieces and they dont know how it fits in. there are new parts that dont seem to be parts from the whole thing. its almost like stonehenge has been build by ikea! stonehenge was used for all sorts of pagan rituals, the pagans would gather around and to all kinds of drumming and changing and dance naked. they would dance around to get their message across to more powerful beings. it was kind of like occupy stonehenge. the druids were the predecessors of todays wiccans. you know, the witchy people with the crystals and the enya music. a lot of cats. they put handkerchiefs over the lamps in their house. you better not make fun of wiccans, the last time i did they put a curse on me and now i'm hosting this crap. the newly discovered pits at stonehenge are directly in the path of the sun so they must have been used as some sort of sun worship. archaeologists say these pits were around 500 years before the stones were put in. they are still debating how the stones were constructed. its pretty obvious if youve ever seen flintstones, they used a brontosaurus as a crane.'


+ 'here at cbs we have had nonstop coverage of the events going on in teran', craig ferguson states, 'and by 'nonstop coverage' we mean the victoria's secret fashion show! take that, cnn with your fully clothed people and your wolf blitzer! apparently some of the cbs stations chose not to air the fashion show, they say its too racy. so for the people in the towns that didnt get to see the fashion show, i'll summarize it for you: boobies, boobies, more boobies, a little bit of ass. and then i turned on the tv to watch the fashion show! lets be honest, the whole fashion show is just an excuse to see women in their skivvies. come on, is underwear really fashion? i mean i think of fashion as a nice pair of pants, and a nice hat cocked to the side. and by that i mean a little had inside my pants... i suppose underwear as an expression of their individuality and style, and men just use it to cover up their junk so they dont get arrested. i dont require much from underwear, just so long as it protects my thighs from chaffing as i dance around the pole. but if i had to choose, i prefer cotton underwear because its soft and fluffy. its like dipping my balls in a cloud. i have been noticing that mens underwear have been getting smaller and smaller. a couple of weeks ago i tried on a thong and i havent been able to find it since! i think of g strings as the underwear version of whitney houston because they love crack.'


the geoff peterson replacement, chloe banderas (voiced by tom lennon) is back!
+ 'today of course is cyber monday, the biggest online shopping day of the year', craig shares, 'i enjoy the online shopping. my favorite part of online shopping is the convenience. my second favorite is typing with my penis! i learned on a typewriter though, so i thump really hard. cyber monday is like black friday, but its a little less stampedey. lets face it, online shopping is simple, you just point and click, its like shooting stray cats. i'm kidding, i'm kidding, i dont do that. anyway, theres some things you can get on black friday that you cant get on cyber monday, like getting pepper sprayed in the face! if you are online and you want to get pepper sprayed, you have to do it yourself- i did it twice already today! look, i just want to tell you, i dont shoot cats. you know this is true about that pepper stray, in l.a. on black friday a woman pepper sprayed some walmart shoppers who tried to cut in line. the police acted very fast and immediately hired her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the united states!'

wilford brimley!

after a long wait, wilford brimley finally comes to 'the late late show with craig ferguson'!  a while ago criag's wife thought she spotted wilford brimley at a local grocery store in hollywood.  craig mentioned it on the show that week, and ever since then he and geoff peterson have become quite obsessed with wilford!  determined to investigate further, craig booked wilford on the show as a guest!  well, he finally stopped by and chatted with our favorite late night host about whether it was him or not (spoiler: it was not).  it sure did make for a funny/awkward segment!  brimley if famous for disliking hollywood, so it was pretty funny to hear his grumpy ramblings about wanting to be far away from people.  strange...
the best part? wilford even wins the coveted golden mouth organ!


+ 'its the night before my favorite holiday!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'it is! its thanksgiving eve, i'm so excited! 'twas the night before thanksgiving and i'm out of breath, i've been in the kitchen all day cooking up meth! thats my thanksgiving poem, i always say that! i know people are like 'come on craig, cant you say something classy on this magical night?' all right then: 'twas the night before thanksgiving and the foods in the oven, and i'm in the bedroom performing self lovin'! it is the night before thanksgiving, unless you live in canada, in which case, thanksgiving was a few weeks ago, so enjoy your round bacon and your hockey, you heathen bastards! what the hell? thanksgiving weeks before we have it?!? thanksgiving is, of course, the day we give thanks. as a vulgar late night entertainer i have much to be thankful for this year. there was congressman anthony wiener who texted his wiener, there was gerard depardieu who got his wiener out on a plane, and arnold schwarzenegger who had his wiener professionally cleaned! the good thing about these holidays is that you can look at all the jokes through out the year and use them again! thank you comedy gods for this weineriffic bounty!'
- wilford brimley he even wins himself the golden mouth organ!


+ 'the thing i'm most excited about is that today is the opening of the muppet movie', craig ferguson states, 'hurray! i feel a very strong connection to the muppet movie because i myself am just a puppet of a mighty corporation. anyway, its not your grandpa's muppet movie thought, its racy! its not rated 'G', its rated 'PG'! i think miss piggy must show a little bacon! a little bit of sizzle there, maybe. i remember back in the 70's the muppet movie had tons of celebrity cameos. there was richard pryor, bob hope, milton berle, dom de luise, orson wells. the lesson here is of course, if you appear in a muppet movie, you die! i'm kidding, the new muppet movie has a lot of celebrity cameos. its easier to list who's not in it than who's in it. who's not in it is me and corey feldman. i'm just kidding, corey feldman is in it. the late jim henson, of course, was the creator of the muppets. he also created iconic characters for other movies. he did the teenage mutant ninja turtles, the dark crystal movie, the 80's movie 'the labyrinth'. that one creature in the labyrinth really freaked me out, what was it again? thats right, david bowie. the word muppet, of course, is a combination of marionette and puppet. just like the word mobster is a combination of the words man and lobster. that means all of us have the capacity to end organized crime by simply dipping our local crime boss in butter and devouring his yumminess.'


+ 'hollywood is swimming in cash because the twilight movie made so much money over the weekend', craig ferguson shares, 'whats it called again? breaking dawn? breaking wind? something like that. i love the twilight movie, i cant get enough of the sensitive vampires and the twinky werewolves! its not true. i've never seen them. well, i've seen the first one. i thought 'maybe this is not so bad' because i used to make fun of the harry potter, you know, i was like 'aw, this is rubbish'. but then i read the books and and watched the movies- now i'm a total griffin-dork! and if you dont know what that is then you are a hufflepuff! i thought 'well, ill look at a twilight movie, maybe i'm wrong'. i put it in the vcr- thats right, i've got a vcr! i took out my jackie chan movie and started watching it. i thought 'well, this is in fact awful!' its crap! to be fair, i only made it though the first half hour. maybe it got better, but i couldnt do that do myself. it would be like saying 'this really hurts when i rub the cheese grater on my genitals, but maybe it will get better, and besides my quesadilla isnt finished!' i shouldnt dis twilight, its not for me.'
+ robin williams joins in to help out with the tweets and emails


+ 'today is a very big day for america's sweetheart: regis philbin', craig ferguson shares, 'my friend regis is having his last day on the regis show. i shouldnt call it the regis show, cause kelly ripa is there. they are two great hosts, but lets be honest, one of them is just there for eye candy, and the other one is kelly ripa. i remember i was eating breakfast when regis announced he was leaving, i almost choked on my sausage! and then my breakfast got stuck in my throat too! in new york people actually camped out to see regis' last show. it looked like occupy wall street, but regis' fans are a little bit older, so it looked more like occupy wall mart. regis' departure thought is big news. all day long reactions from the daytime tv stars came pouring in. the women from the view said they were sorry to see regis go, ellen degeneres said she is broken hearted, dr. phil said 'poached eggs in the hand when the chicken are flyin'!' a lot of people think regis is retiring, but hes not retiring. he's just finished with that show. retiring, now a days anyway, means taking some time off then coming back, taking pictures of your penis and texting them! regis would never do that. he would take pictures of his penis, but he wouldnt know how to text them!'

relationship advice from craig

after reading a tweet about his recent penchant for fun socks, craig ferguson shares a bit of relationship advice for all the bachelors out there. he said 'hey, here's a tip. guys, if you want girls to find you attractive, when they are looking at your leg because they will be drawn by the sock. pull it down a little bit, and that mark that the elastic makes- it drives them crazy!'


+ 'its a great day if you want to stop smoking', craig ferguson shares, 'its the 36th annual smoke out. this is the day that everybody who smokes is encouraged to knock it off. so if you are seeing me through a haze of smoke it means you haven't quit yet, or you live in l.a. and your window is open. but if you are out there smoking, stop right now! unless you are smoking... you know... in which case, carry on! you know, late november is the perfect time to quit smoking. what could be more stress free than spending the holidays with your family? but as bad as they are, smoking helps you deal with stress. so do breathing exercises. so my point is always smoke during yoga. president obama quit smoking earlier this year, but it wasnt easy, he had to ask the republicans for permission first. obama is not the first president to use tobacco though, fdr was famous for using one of those holders. bill clinton used one of those too, her name is monica. i think the surgan general should just come out and tell the truth: kissing a smoker is like licking a cats butt! dont ask me how i know that... call me, heathcliff!'


+ 'president obama is in australia today', craig ferguson states, 'you know whats interesting? when he is in australia his approval ratings go down the toilet in the other direction! last weekend the president was in hawaii, today he is in australia, on friday he goes to indonesia. i think what happened is he saw the republican debates and he was like 'this reelection is going to be a piece of cake, i'm going on vacation!' no, thats not true. the president is traveling all around the pacific rim. but its not a pacific rim vacation, its a pacific rim job... today the president made a big announcement, today he said we are sending 20,000 troops to australia. the troops are going down there for one reason: we've declared war on the dingos! dingos of course get a bad rap, they dont eat all the babies, just the tasty ones... dingo is just a fancy word for 'dog' though, dingos are just like regular old dogs, they lick their genitals one ball at a time, just like american dogs! do you know that this show actually airs in australia? i'm not sure how that works with the time difference, i think they are a day ahead. so the show thats on right now we havent even done it yet!'


+ 'its a great day if you like to recycle', craig ferguson states, 'today is 'america recycles day', and i'm wondering if we really need this? we've already got earth day. so we have to think about the environment on two days?!? why dont we consolidate the two of them into one day, and while we are at it, get rid of arbor day. nobody gives a crap about arbor day! go on, tell me when it is, you cant! exactly! oh, go on, look it up on your computer! anyway, we have a strict recycling policy. can we see that picture of paul mccartney?' and for the one millionth time, they show a picture of angela lansbury! 'we think of recycling as a recent thing, but its been around for hundreds of years. historians say the first example of recycling was the pilgrims. they realized they could recycle corn cobs and use them as dildos! thats not true, but if it was true, wouldnt it be aw
esome? when you think about recycling you should always think about the three r's: reuse, renew, regis. these days we have separate colored bins for the different recyclable stuff. here in l.a. the green bin is for garden waste, blue bin for paper products, and pink bin for old breast implants. you can! you can recycle used boobies! i'm not just making this up. what they do is they melt down the recycled boobies and they turn them into lip injections and butt implants. and the circle of life continues!'
- ewan mcgregor who is always one of craig's best guests! also, now a winner of the golden mouth organ!


+ 'over the weekend president obama was in hawaii', craig ferguson informs, 'his birth place- ha! he attended the big apec summit meeting. now, apec is the asia pacific economic corporation. once a year its leaders get together to discuss free trade, economic growth, blah blah blah. i'm bored already. here's a recap of the conference: president obama was like 'nu uh', china was like 'wha?' and obama was like 'no!' take that, nightline! anyway, i'm sure the conference was a barrel of laughs. everybody loves being in hawaii. the republican candidate rick perry said hawaii was one of his favorite states. there's texas, hawaii, and... there was a third one... its nice that they have the apec conference in hawaii, but i wonder if things got awkward with the leaders of japan? the tour guides are like 'and over here is pearl harbor, but i think you've been here before...'.'


+ 'today is eleven eleven eleven', craig ferguson informs, 'todays date is the number eleven repeated three times. whats that called again when something is repeated over and over again? thats right, this show! the date 11/11/11 is kind of freaky though. seeing all these ones lined up like that reminds me of the days i had to count my earnings from the strip club. i may have been payed in one dollar bills, but what i learned there was priceless! on the internet there were all kinds of doomsday predictions for the eleventh. but guess what? nothing happened! it doesnt mean anything! people put a lot of significance in numbers, and these people are called morons! to me, numbers have no significance. mathematics has significance, but numbers are just tools of mathematics. i like mathematics, there's always a right or wrong answer. there's no subtlety, no nuance. unlike in art or literature or the gender of the prostitutes on hollywood boulevard! all i'm saying is that you know what you are going to get with mathematics, there's no nasty surprises... or awesome surprises depending on your point of view.'
+ jennifer tilly reads linda cunningham's 'small town girl'
* linda cunningham (she's craig's mother-in-law!)


+ 'its not a great day for texas governor rick perry', craig ferguson shares, 'oh shame. everybody's talking about his performance in the republican candidate debate, the brain freeze he had while trying to name three government agencies that he would eliminate. the media are going cockahoop over this, the pundits are saying that rick perry is as dumb as a post, he's a terrible public speaker, he's an embarrassment to the republican party. now, those things may be true, but personally though i hope he doesnt get out of the campaign. i need rick perry. i need him! i dont want to spend the next year trying to make jokes about mitt romney! what am i going to do with romney?!? take that, romney, you nice haired gorgeous hunk! where the hell can i go with that? look at you with your suit that fits perfectly! anyway, i salute rick perry for the way he's trying to overcome this, today he came out saying hes not one of those slick politicians, this is him just showing his human side, and some third excuse he cant remember...'


+ 'last night there was a close call for planet earth', criag ferguson shares, 'we had a giant asteroid pass by, it was only 200,000 miles from earth. the experts said 'thats not going to hit us', i was still nervous. last night i was screaming 'not the face! not the face!' but we are all right, and i say good riddance asteroid! this is a true thing, the asteroids went by. we dont need you, the human race is perfectly capable of destroying itself. 'oh craig, thats biting commentary about climate change', and i'm like 'no, its just pessimism fueled by a difficult childhood. and a love of dark chocolate.' the asteroid was huge though, it was 1300 feet across. thats the same size as michael moore's ass. the scientists gave it a lame name, they called it 'YU55'. they shouldnt call it that, it should be called something like 'death rock' or 'big floaty boulder'! anyway, nasa says that if the the asteroid would have hit earth it would have caused a 7.4 magnitude earthquake. if it had hit the sea it would have caused a 70 foot tsunami. if it hit were the land met the sea, for example somewhere on the jersey shore, it could have knocked the drink from snooki's hand! now, realistically of course, if we ever face a collision with an asteroid, nasa will do what they do best: assemble a rag-tag band of good looking welders to go up there and kick that rock's ass! you know, they will blow it up with the most powerful weapon ever invented: the power of the ballad! like they did in that movie 'armageddon', you know when they did that thing and steven tyler did his singing thing. it was sexy and creepy because he was singing the song while ben affleck was getting it on with steven tyler's daughter!'


+ 'its a great day for me because i just got out of jury duty like three minutes ago!' craig ferguson shares, 'i was very happy to do my civic duty. well, i was very happy to be excused from my civic duty. i was at the l.a. county courthouse all day, i was there all day! it was like three hours in the jury room and it was getting really intense. you know what it was like? it was like a greyhound bus station, waiting for the bus of justice! and the woman next to me was cracking her knuckles and the woman across from me was giving me the stink eye! she was an old lady, but she fancied her chances. i was like 'i'll cut a bitch!' it was going to get shanky in there! and then they were called into this thing. what do they call it? a court! there were 45 potential jurors, and i was in there with all these different people. the judge starts interviewing everybody and they ask what job you do and i said 'late night talk show host' and everybody went 'oh!' and i went 'on cbs' and everybody went 'ugh.' it was a stalking case, it was about stalking! i was like 'judge, i do a lot of stalking, so i dont know if i'm right for this'. i dont know if it was really working, so i made a pass at the judge. anyway, she's meeting me later on!'

geoff peterson's new voice(s)

does geoff sound a bit different to you? well, there's a reason for that! craig recently spoke about the temporary change in geoff's voice: 'i'm a little worried. i dont know if you are aware of this, but geoff is undergoing some repairs at the moment, so we are trying out various different personality chips for the next two weeks. so geoff will not necessarily be his normal self tonight.' later craig ferguson explains 'a lot of people have been asking me recently 'whats going on with geoff? something's going on with geoff? we want old geoff back!' look, old geoff will be coming back, but the thing is that essential maintenance is being conducted on geoff's innards, and so every night for the next two weeks he will have a different personality.' it seems that geoff's usual voice is gone for a while and there will be a rotating collection of people stepping in to voice our favorite robot skeleton!
those who have stepped in to do geoff's voice:


+ 'not a great day for herman cain', craig ferguson states, 'the front runner of the republican presidential nomination, and also michael caine's brother. maybe thats a reach... now firstly, herman cain is the front runner of the sexual harassment claims. i believe very firmly that you are innocent until proven guilty, but today another woman accused him of harassment. how many does that make? four! now the first time you hear a nasty accusation like this you think 'well, it may or may not be true', when it happens twice you think 'well...', the third time 'argh...', the fourth time you think 'who does this guy think he is? schwarzenegger? he cant be doing this!' now four women have accused herman cain of being inappropriate. now thats got to remind him of the deal he made back at the pizza joints: harass four, you get the fifth free! now, people make fun of the fact that he was the CEO of a pizza chain, but i think pizza and politicians go hand in hand: both are hot and steamy and go straight to your ass! cain worked for a pizza chain called godfathers, but apparently he make an offer they could refuse!'


+ 'a couple of big movies opening today', craig ferguson reminds, 'youve got the harold and kumar christmas movie opening with neil patrick harris! neil patrick harris: three names, all adorable! he's with us tonight. and tower heist is opening as well with ben stiller, who is not here, so his movie is being slammed by us. no, i'm sure its great. i'm not clear on what its about, i think ben stiller tries to steal money and then stuff in a museum comes to live and helps him do it! its got eddie murphy in it and he's really funny. i love that eddie is paired up with ben stiller, they are like a modern day abbott and costello if abbot were skinny and costello were in to transsexuals. anyway, tower heist, the title tells you what you are going to get. not like some movies, i went to see moneyball: money? ball? brad pitt? i'm sold! i walked out of that movie feeling such a fool! i like heist movies. my all time favorite heist movie is a movie called 'the italian job' from the 1960's.


+ 'i usually try to avoid talking about controversial subjects', craig ferguson states, 'you know, like political dirty laundry and all that stuff. but the top story is pretty much everywhere right now so i've got to talk about it: thats right, someone bought queen victoria's underwear. apparently an anonymous man, a man that nobody knows who it is. 'what kind of man is that?' an anonymous man! he or she, but it was a man, but he was anonymous, so you cant be entirely sure. this anonymous person, a man, in scotland paid fifteen thousand bucks at auction for the panties from the 19th century. i cant tell you who it was, but it was a very tense auction. 'sold to the creepy scottish guy in the back!' cost me a fortune! but so what, i love the feeling of two hundred year old silk against my junk! beneath these trousers is a piece of history... and the queen's panties. the queen's undergarments were very big, they had to be: victoria was the embodiment of english modesty. she also had to cover up her tramp stamp as well.'

super tweety

craig ferguson and geoff peterson are back at it with a new email and tweet song!  this time the jingle is in the style of rick james and seems to be a play on his hit 'super freak'.  craig, clad in a goofy wig and mustache, rocks out the leopard print jacket, plays with some sort of fish for some reason, and tries to have his way with geoff in drag!  of course, each version of the tweets jingle must have 'ass mode' in it, this time it is in the form of huge rings craig wears!  they do a great job of getting the 70's rick james style, complete with cheesy effects and everything!


+ 'not a great day for herman cain, the pizza man who turned presidential candidate', craig ferguson shares, 'a third woman accused him of sexual harassment. three! then he was immediately endorsed by bill clinton.
the big news today is about justin bieber. oh, you didnt know? or maybe you did know you just didnt give a fuck! apparently a los angeles woman claims she had justin bieber's love child. she claims she hooked up with him backstage at a concert. thats the life of a pop star for you right there! the only thing that happens to me backstage is a surly teamster comes over and grills at me from time to time. 'you still aint funny, kilborn.' anyway, i hope the justin bieber story isnt true, i like to imagine justin bieber as pure as the driven snow. like the jonas brothers! remember them, young people? of course you dont. if justin did have a baby we can all agree that it would be the cutest baby ever! this will all be cleared up pretty soon. they are going to need a strand of justin's hair to do a DNA test. i'm like 'wha! do not touch his hair!' sure, the woman will have to take a paternity test and then the world will know once and for all who the father is: arnold schwarzenegger!'


+ 'its not a great day for kim kardashian', craig ferguson shares, 'its not a great day for kim and her soon to be ex husband, lurch kardashian. as the whole world knows by now, they have pulled the plug on their marriage after a whopping 72 days. even by hollywood standards thats not long! i've had erections that have lasted longer! i know, i know, i should have called my doctor. but what am i going to say? 'its awesome, doctor!' i dont know why people get worked up about gay marriage, its not gay people who are ruining the sanctity of marriage, its fucking celebrities that are ruining the sanctity of marriage! 'craig, thats rich coming from you who has been married three times' shut up, i cant be held to my own standards, how dare you! i'll tell you, the news about the kardashian divorce has depressed me. its either that or all the candy i ate last night. and this morning. and right before i walked out right here... oh butterfinger, i am your bitch! anyway, the 72 day marriage doesn't come close to the all time hollywood record. thats held by carmen electra and dennis rodman who were married for 9 days. 9 days. it boggles my mind! what could dennis rodman have done? oh thats right, its dennis rodman.'


+ happy halloween! 'it is a great day for the human race!' criag ferguson states, 'is it? yes it is. we are no seven billion strong! well done, us! the seven billionth person was born today. congratulations! its a baby girl! i think. you know whats more surprising? out of the seven billion people in the world no one is surprised that kim kardashian is getting divorced. thats not true, i was surprised. when i heard she was getting divorced i thought 'what?' i mean, i called it, but i didnt call it that fast- i said like a year, but thats fast! terribly sad. if two celebrities who hardly know each other get married for a tv show cant make it, what hope is there for any of us? apparently kim and her husband whose name is... i dont know, tall dude? what is it, lurch? i dont know. anyway, they didnt have a prenup! yeah, that will scare you on halloween! under california law that means that he is now legally entitled to half the junk in her trunk. thats still a lot of junk...'
* neil gaiman he presents craig with a haggis!


+ 'its friday of course', craig ferguson states, 'only three more shopping days until halloween! i've already picked out my costume: i'm going as 'grumpy old man who doesnt give out candy'! anyway, its a very exciting day today, i've been looking forward to it all year. i'm sure you are sick of hearing about it by now, but today is the first day of the rome international film festival. in rome people are running through the streets, drinking and partying, waving their arms in the air! then they heard about the film festival! 'whas a come and a go, itsa movie time!' i've got to be honest with you, i actually dont give a rats ass about the rome film festival, but i do love the city of rome. whenever i think of rome i think of orgies. i know you are wondering 'why? why do you think of roman orgies, craig?' i'll tell you why: because i'm filthy! actually i think of roman orgies all the time, all those writhing bodies, all that exposed flesh, all those shiny helmets rubbing... you know, some times there were women there too!'


+ 'last night, wednesday night, i did what i normally do on hump day', craig ferguson shares, 'i went to the movies. 'why did you go to the movies on hump day?' i hear you ask in your high pitched scottish voice. why would you go to a movie? what is it about having an infant crying and pooping all over your house that would make you seek the quite dark sanctuary of a movie theater? that 8 month old tyrrant! how could something that small be so loud? i was all complaining about it, i said to my wife 'oh come on, that baby is so loud!' and she said 'yeah, i wonder where he gets that...'. anyway, i saw the movie 'warrior'. its a good movie, actually. the guy who plays the lead is great, his name is tom hardy. he's in the next batman movie, he plays batmans sidekick: throbbin'... nick nolte was in the movie too, it was a great performance. nick nolte actually offered to get me a copy of the movie on dvd, he was going to drive it over himself. i'm like 'nah, its safer if i just go to the theater myself...' anyway, the movie is about mma, thats mixed martial arts. watching those fighters made me feel really out of shape. it inspired me: next week i'm going to do a push up!'


+ 'there's big news in the world of late night tv', craig ferguson shares, 'this week president obama is going to be a guest on the tonight show with jay leno. i'm surprised because his popularity is at an all time low. there are people in the street who are marching against him. so its very nice of president obama to help him out!
hey, did you hear about this thing that happened in dublin? dublin is in ireland. in ireland a man was arrested, and this is true, he was arrested for defecating in his apartment space heater, which apparently is a crime in dublin! he was arrested, the cops barged in and said 'this place is a dump!' and he said 'thanks, i made it me self!' thats true!