best guests

as with anyone, craig ferguson has his favorites. as a tv show host he has many, many guests on his show, but there are always those special few who he has a closer bond with. and every time they are on it is television gold! in my opinion, there are three guests in particular who craig seems to enjoy above all others. when they are on you can just tell he is having a blast- and so is the guest! below is a list of (in my opinion) who are his top three guests:

ewan mcgregor- i've seen him as a guest twice now, and each time has been outrageously funny! they obviously have a long history together and are close friends. when ever ewan is on, its absolutely apparent that they are having a blast. they both become like giddy school boys messing around! both times ewan has been on he has done a guest spot on the skit 'espn uk', wearing a wig and a mustache which never stays put. these sketches have become the funniest moments ever on craigs show.

jim parsons- jim comes on fairly regularly due to being on 'the big bang theory', another cbs show. jim and craig are great fun to watch together because jim is a very intellectual person who tries to be funny, and craig, also an intellectual person, plays off that by being even more ridiculous and silly. jim plays it straight and pretends to not get craig, and craig plays it funny pretending not to understand jim- the classic laurel and hardy formula!

billy connelly- obviously another friend of craigs, the two of them have a great chemistry and rapport. i cant quite figure out if its a father/son relationship, or an older brother/younger brother sort of thing, but either way, the two of them riff off each other to great effect!

am i missing anyone? who do you think is the best when they are along side craig?


+ a lot of people confuse american idol with america's got talent. they are not the same thing, they are very different. america's got talent isn't just people singing, they've got dancing, they got magicians, they got guys who juggle balls. although to be fair, i think american idol had some guys who juggle balls this season too... anyway, i'm looking at the america's got talent show today, and here's the amazing thing: the winner gets a show in las vegas and a million dollars! you might think 'man, now thats a prize!' right? then you find out the money gets payed out over 40 years. thats true! that means that the winner gets a show in vegas and 25 grand a year. now, according to estimates, 25 grand is a poverty level wage, but its poverty for 40 years- guaranteed! so, even if you win, you loose.
+ craig talks with governor arnold schwarzenegger
- jim parsons a light is out over his head, so he sits in the farther of the two chairs- hilarity ensues!


+ 'the creator of the vibrating bed died today. it's not sexy to me, the vibrating bed, i can get the same feeling leaning against a washing machine. that's why i can never go back to the laundry mat. call me fluff and fold!'
* michael musto craig certainly seemed to dislike this guy...


+ this was craig ferguson's 900th episode! wow! after the monologue, as he was walking back to his desk, he slipped on some grease that was on the floor and, in his words, almost died! 'call me lawyers!''you know, a lot of people say to me 'craig' and i'm like 'yeah? what?' they're like 'just hi.' and then other people dont say that, they say 'craig, do you know this? that prince charles is not only the prince of wales in the uk, he's also the king of late night tv in the uk.' i say 'no, that's not true', they say 'yes, it is true', and then they say 'look at this clip!' and i say 'where did you get a clip? we're in starbucks!' apparently you can get clips in starbucks now!' all that just to lead into a new installment of 'the rather late programme with prince charles'
- bryan cranson
= ben kweller


+ 'do you know who's broken more bones than anyone else ever, in the history of bone breaking?' craig asks, 'thats a history, its a real thing. its in the guinness book of world records: evel knievel! that makes me respect him a bit more, as if you need a reason to respect a guy who's mother named him 'evel!' 'and what are you going to call your child, mrs. knievel?' 'we're going to call him evel' 'evel knievel, you say?' 'yes, we're hoping he goes into daredevil stunt riding when he's older'. i like the old daredevil stunt riders like evel knievel, launching motorcycles over school busses, jumping through rings of fire, driving with mel gibson- they were crazy! nobody dared evel to do any of this stuff, he wasnt a daredevil, he did it for his own reasons. he's more of a 'stupid devil'. basically he was just a drunk guy with a motorcycle- which was awesome! remember when he jumped over snake river canyon on his motorcycle? people were saying 'aw, he's cheating cause its really just a motorcycle strapped to a rocket'. oh, you're right, he's cheating, what a cop out, anyone can do that! oh, he's just put a rocket on a motorcycle! thats not cheating, thats clinically insane!'
+ the return of 'michael caine in space'
- sandra bullock
= metric (they were pretty good!)
> david feldman lame


+ after another political scandal, involving a republican senator from nevada, craig tells it like it is: 'now of course, all the people on the left are delighted because senator ensin is a republican. of course, when someone from the left is in trouble, everyone on the right is delighted. you know me, i'm just delighted when any of them are in trouble! cause i don't care what side they are on, if anyone isn't out there lying, talking crap, cheating on their wives, i'd have nothing to talk about. it would be fart jokes every night! i'd have to talk about serious stuff like the economy or global warming. so to all the politicians i say 'thank you hypocritical bastards! thank you from the bottom of my heart!'
+ ask aquaman
- julia ormond
# derrick pitts


+ have you seen the spider-man on hollywood boulevard?' craig ferguson asks, 'have you seen him? oh, you'd clap if you'd seen him. that spider-man costume is... snug. its like you can see his spidey sense tingling! you can, you just see him and you're like 'oh, man!' throw a web over that or something!' realizing he has gotten off on a tangent, craig asks 'what was i talking about? i got distracted by the revealing costume of spider-man, not for the first time either...'
* jeff foxworthy
= gavin degraw


+ 'on the other side of the world there are riots going on', craig ferguson reminds us, 'crowds are flooding the streets of tehran standing up for a little something called democracy. if you havent been following the story, here it is: last week iran had a presidential election adn president imadinnerjacket was behind in the poles. then, low and behold, which is another way of saying 'then', low and behold, he won big everywhere! the big cities, rural areas, he even won in florida- which is impossible! many iranians think his 'come from behind' victory was rigged. why do they think that? well, the officials at the election ministry have cell phone videos of the ballot boxes being stuffed. that would be proof, in fact. the election results themselves are kind of hard to believe. according to the numbers, both opposition candidates lost in their own home towns. that's like obama loosing in his home city of chicago. i'm not in any way suggesting that iranian politics are as corrupt as chicago, but even blagojavich is like 'these guys are good!'
but what happened was the young people in iran could smell a rat. so they did what all young people do these days- they got on twitter. they are on the twitter and are organizing protests on the twitter. i dont know how they're doing it, i dont know how twitter works. i've said it before, i dont care, its not for me, i'm a geezer. but technology that spreads information quickly is always good for democracy. our american revolution wouldnt have happened without the printing press- the twitter of its day! they made up pamphlets saying 'arent the british bastards?!?' and handed them out. it would have been a lot easier for paul revere if he had twitter! he wouldnt need a horse- just a phone! 'the british are coming! the british are coming! omg! angry
emoticon' send!
- holly hunter
= camera obscura


+ 'its a big night for television,' craig ferguson explains, 'every tv station has made the transition from analog to digital. it went into effect at midnight tonight. oh yeah, digital- hurrah! no, don't applaud digital. now that i'm digital, i feel like a new man! i must confess, i feel like a new man every night. sticking with the same one makes me bored... now if you don't understand the digital transition, you are not alone, its very confusing. it's like trying to understand quantum physics, or 'lost', or paula abdul or something. now, not everyone is affected. if you have cable or satellite, you're ok. actually, if you have cable or satellite, you're not watching this show!'
- dane cook
+ larry king of the jungle
* peter travers


+ craig ferguson received an email asking 'dear craig, was henry the 8th really such a bad guy?' craig responds 'well, lets look at the historical evidence: he killed, what, two or was it three of his wives? he murdered a lot of people, and died of syphilis i believe. nah, wasn't that bad. what is wrong with you?!? yes, yes, he was a bad guy! 'but he was a king!', yes that's why we dont have any in america! except larry king, who's not a bad guy.'

the must list

every year entertainment weekly makes a list of what is cool and popular this year. it used to be called 'the it list', but a couple years ago they changed it to 'the must list'. either way, our good old friend craig ferguson is on it this year! here is what entertainment weekly had to say:

Craig Ferguson: Must Monologuist
AGE: 47
WHY HIM: CBS' Late Late
Show host gives the most spontaneous, surprising monologues in late night.
REDEFINING THE BUCKET LIST: ''I work out the monologue subjects with the writers, but we don't write actual jokes. It allows for improvisation. One night recently there was a leak in the studio ceiling, and someone had put a ratty old bucket down to catch the drips. I did 10 minutes on that bucket. The audience loved it, 'cause they knew it was spontaneous. So if I can give any future talk-show host advice, it's this: Don't ignore the buckets in life. Speak from your heart about a leaky-ceiling bucket.''
NEXT: His no-holds-barred autobiography (drinking! punk-rock drumming!), titled American on Purpose, will be published in September.
ON HIS MUST LIST: Jeannette Walls' new book, Half Broke Horses.

betty white

betty white is a frequent guest on 'the late late show with craig ferguson'. she, along with a handful of other regulars, stop by and do sketches with criag after the monologue. craig will say that he has a guest coming on to talk about the something in particular, whether its the head of the girl scouts, or a representative for an airline, or his mail deliverer. then out comes betty pretending to be that person. the skits usually go the same way: craig asks about what she does and it always devolves into some sexual topic, which is always funny to hear betty white talk about sex!
craig himself talks about betty white as a regular on the show:
'betty white is the morgan freeman of comedy. you put her in a movie, it's automatically better! like when morgan freeman is in a movie you think 'well it's got to be good, morgan freeman is in it'. the same with betty white. if betty white is in a movie, it's going to be good! that's why we have her on this show all the time. cause, lets be honest, this is a crap show, but when shes on you go 'finally!' cause you know its going to be funny, and when she leaves, it's time to go to bed!'


+ 'its not such a great day for miss california today, who was fired!' craig ferguson shares. 'apearantly pageant organizers felt that she best represented the state of california if she was, in fact, unemployed. its a terrible shame, i'm very worried. i just hope, i hope with all my heart, that california can find another dumb blond with fake boobs- i hope we have one! fingers crossed!'
+ tim meadows reports on the newest supreme court appointment
- chris matthews


+ during the email time, joel mchale stops by to help craig ferguson read the emails, which lead to some really funny stuff! 'hi joel mchale' craig says. 'hellow craig ferguson' joel responds. 'how come you wear a tie on your show, but you come to visit me and you dont wear a tie?' inquires craig. 'because i dont care about this show' joel states. not surprised, craig says 'oh, ok.'+ the rather late programme with prince charles
+ ask aquaman


+ 'you know, there's a lot of indian people in glasgow, in scotland, where i grew up.' craig ferguson informs us, 'theres a huge indian community there, and they have a very unusual accent, its a scottish indian accent- very strange' (craig then tries to mimic it, but the funniness of the accent gets lost a bit in the written word...) 'the first delicious- the first decent food- i ever had in my life was at an indian restaurant. indian food is very popular over there because it goes good with beer. and indian curry is the most popular food in all of britain, it's not hard to believe if you've ever had british food. 'you want some fried eggs then? you want some beans on toast?' they ate beans one at a time to fit them in their tiny little mouths.'


+ 'there are two big movies this weekend', craig ferguson reminds us, 'what if they combined 'land of the lost' and 'the hangover'? you would see dinosaurs in las vegas- that would be fantastic! plenty fo things for dinosaurs to do in vegas, go see carrot top, 'he doesn't taste like carrots at all!' its very difficult for dinosaurs to play the slot machines though, short arms. hey i think dinosaurs would do very well in vegas- look at the success of cher, she plays vegas every night!'
- chris kattan
> henry cho


this little bit first showed up on salvidor dali's birthday episode. craig ferguson was talking about dali and the randomness of the dada movement, this being an example of that randomness. when craig puts his hand to his head and goes 'oooh!' then this picture of dali slides onto the screen and goes 'oooh!' craig has since ooohed many times, and usually at the most unusual moments too! a follow up to this bit is the double oooh!, which shows a picture of a giraffe when ever craig puts two hands up to his head and goes 'oooh!'. there is no sense behind it, its just funny!


+ 'big news today,' craig ferguson announces, 'it's literally big news- the world's tallest man was discovered in china. eight foot one. how do you discover an eight foot one man? who's job is it to go around 'discovering' men? how do i get me that job? was there an expedition 'lets go looking for a big man' 'i'm with you!' i hope they didn't plant their pole in him...'
+ larry king talks to the new head of GM
= bernie williams the baseball star plays a little jazz.


+ one thing i'd like to clear up about the middle east', craig ferguson implores, 'this is true, they love americans there. they don't hate us, they have some problems with some of our policies, but they love us. they love american culture, they love american clothes, they love most things american. and everyone in the middle east is like 'oh, i love bruce willis! do you know bruce willis?' bruce willis?!? 'aw, he's the greatest action hero ever!' everyone just kept asking 'oh, an american!- do you know bruce willis?' eventually i just said 'yes i do, and he is a great kisser!'
+ dear aquaman


+ 'over the weekend the president barack obama took his wife michelle out on a date', craig ferguson shares, 'it wasn't like a regular date like you and me, that wasnt good enough for our 44th president. he flew in to new york city, had a fancy dinner, and if that wasnt enough, they went to see a broadway show! now, mr. president, i respect you, but knock it off! you're making the rest of us look bad! some people are outraged by the obama's date, and by some people, i mean the g.o.p. there was an article where they slammed him for it. now, i'm just a vulgar lounge entertainer, i don't know anything, right? i think we can all agree on that. but republicans, may i suggest that slamming the president for being 'romantic' with his wife is not the best way to win back the millions of women who deserted you during the last election!'
+betty white, craig's paper girl, comes to deliver the press
+fozzy bear shows up to help out with the show wrap-up!


+ craig ferguson cracks an 'octomom' joke and asks if they still have the 'octomom' graphic. 'there was a time on late night shows where you had to do an octomom joke. do we still have the graphic for that? no, we dont, we recycled it, we threw it away. yeah, why keep it lying around, its not like we'd ever use it again' craig says sarcastically, 'nope, we don't have it. at least you know when i say we dont rehearse i'm not kidding. we don't. your probably like 'thats a joke, it's part of the shtick'. its not part of the shtick, we genuinely dont give a rats ass. we are about you, but this? how could you care about this?'
+ access extratainment tonight
- mary-luise parker
- guillermo del toro
= tori amos

cbs censors

late late show regular dave foley stoped by to talk with craig ferguson. each time he stops by they have a good time, this time it was under the ruse that cbs was getting upset about the foul language on the show, so a cbs censor had to be present for the conversation. any time dave or craig would say something offensive, the censor would push a buzzer and they would have to substitute in a different word. its an old improv game which forces the person talking to be creative and think of new ways to say what they have to say. the things that are censored are not actually offensive, but its a creative word game that keeps everyone on their toes. dave, who has a history in sketch comedy and improv, excels at the game, as does craig. its a funny little game and brings about some good laughs!


+ 'night at the museum 2 came out.' craig ferguson informs us, 'you know, usually i don't like museums to be honest, cause they are too much like strip clubs. they are for me because i know i'm going to get in trouble for touching something i'm not supposed to.'
+ dave foley comes by to talk about gardening and the cbs censor is there monitoring
= chris isaak talks and sings


+ its memorial day! 'what i do on memorial day', craig ferguson shares, 'is the what everybody does on memorial day. three words: bar bee que! we had a cookout right here at CBS, all the CBS employees were there, andy rooney 'agh, i hate things!' andy was at the bbq, he brought the cream corn. jennifer love hewett was there, she brought a couple melons. drew carrey was there, he was in charge of the rest of the food... and i parked the cars. i love bbq though, not just for the food. i love to stand by the hot grill wearing just my speedoes. once i was doing that and i burned my wiener. now, when i say wiener, i mean penis. just soes were clear on this. i dont want you to think 'oh, he burned the sausage'- no! thats not what happened.'
+ michael caine's animal kingdom


+ 'you know what i'm excited about?' craig ferguson asks the audience, 'the new terminator movie! this is the movie where when they were shooting it christian bale went all shouty on the set. remember that? he was like 'why you...! i aught to... beep!' i remember when i heard the recording i was like 'this is awesome! i love this guy!' people were all up in arms 'oh christian bale screamed and swore on a movie set!' and i'm like 'i dont think he screamed and swore enough!' if you havent heard an actor scream and swear on a movie set its because you haven't spent enough time on a damn movie set, thats what i say. actors are douche bags and a movie set is a high pressure environment! its true! you've got this actor, and he's a terrific actor, christian bale, and your giving him millions of dollars, right? you pay him millions of dollars to be emotionally unstable, to be a conflicted guy. then while he's in the middle of a high pressure situation being all conflicted, he has a tantrum. everybody's like 'he's emotionally unstable!'- that's why your paying him millions of dollars! it's crazy! that man is a good actor!'


+ after his someone in the audience coughs, craig ferguson (mock angered) lays it out for him, 'if i was rich i would have a hollowed out volcano, then i'd live in it and have a secret army or robot skeletons. then we'd see who would tell me how to do my job! thats right, when the robot skeleton army comes, pal, your the first against the wall, cough or no cough!''i've got an announcement to make and you might as well know it. i'm about to become very rich and i want to make the announcement on the show so you dont read it in the papers. today i got an email from a nigerian prince...'
+ craig plays william shatner trying to get into the new star trek movie set.


+ 'people are saying this year's american idol is very exciting', craig ferguson informs us, 'cause one of the finalists is adam who wears eyeliner and may or may not be gay. and the other finalist is kris, who doesnt wear eyeliner and may or may not be gay. i think i speak for just about anyone on planet earth when i say they all may or may not be gay! who gives a rats ass if the american idol winner is gay? i don't want to see anyone question anyone on american idol about they're sexuality. unless it's ryan- that will get my attention!
+ simon cowell says he may not return to american idol, so craig imagines him on other shows like sesame street, dancing with the stars, who wants to be a millionaire, deadliest catch, as part of the jonas brothers, 60 minutes, dirty jobs 'this rubbish is rubbish!', the late late show, and cops. very funny!


+ the topic for the night is evolution, and craig ferguson shares his thoughts: 'now some people don't believe darwin's theory, they believe man's been around since the time of the dinosaurs, and i'm one of them! yeah, thats right, you heard me darwinists! and the evidence for this is overwhelming: have you ever seen the flintstones? yes! now in the flintstones man could not have survived without dinosaurs. how did we build our first tall buildings? riding on the back of a brontosaurus. how did the first records get played? using the 'bird's beak' system. you don't like it scientists, but facts are facts!'
- kathy griffin
* nelson george


+ happy birthday craig ferguson! sunday was his birthday and craig is feeling old! he has a few things to say about it: 'i don't like birthdays. i hate being the center of attention, thats why i do this show. i always, after my birthday, i try to think about things i'm grateful for: so, i'm grateful that my hip doesn't hurt, i'm grateful that i've been out here a couple minutes and i still dont have to take a wee...'
'i was a born a torus, its the sign of a bul. if your under the sign of a bull you have to put up with it your whole life. i dont necessarily believe the sign determines who you are. although i will admit i sometimes stomp my foot and i charge at spanish men in tight pants.'
+ dan mcvicker and craig get into a melodramatic fight


+ craig ferguson shares a little bit of his life: 'a lot of people say to me 'craig, get out of this house, you don't live here!', and other people say to me... well, not so much anymore, but back in the day! when i was drinking, 'i'll just live here for a while'. 'alright then, but we got to get married'. 'fair enough...'
- ewan mcgregor. it must be said, ewan mcgregor is probably the greatest guest ever on this show, every time he comes on it is comedy gold!
+ espn uk with ewen mcgregor- totally hilarious!
= all american rejects