+ 'now, today is the twentieth of april, 4 20, the day everyone is supposed to smoke marijuana', criag ferugson informs, 'personally i dont, but it doesnt bother me if you do.  i'm talking to you, stoner dudes on the couch!  thats right, i can see you!  'relax, he cant really see us'.  really?  then how do i know you are eating raisin bran?  'dude, he can see us!'  i've never been big on the weed, i never really did a lot of weed, even during my reckless youth.  there wasnt a lot of it where i grew up. it could have been a supply and demand thing though, scottish people didnt really like the side effects of smoking the green herb. 'it relaxes your mind and makes you non violent?  no thanks, hippies!'  i've got to admit though, the idea of smoking a joint with other people, it kind of freaks me out.  it does!  it doesnt seem sanitary.  its this thing thats filled with who-knows-what, its just been in somebody's pants, and now its touching everybody's lips.  if i want that i'll get myself a kardashian!'
- emily deschanel
- jerry ferrara


+ 'i dont know about you, but after this show i'm going the the movie theater tonight', craig ferguson shares, 'cause there's a new movie that opens tomorrow that i'm very excited about, the documentary about apes.  its going to be great.  its amazing what they can do with the documentaries now, the wildlife documentaries.  they have cameras so small, they can film inside an ant hill without disturbing the ants.  which pisses me off, because when i have to get a colonoscopy the camera is always huge!  i'm like 'why cant we get the ant camera?!?'  i get the huge camera with the guy on the side working the crank, and another guy shouting in the megaphone 'action!'.'
- kelly preston
* joel stein


+ 'have you heard of the kid justin timberlake?'  craig ferguson asks, 'he's cracker jack!  i call him j.t. because timberlake sounds like a place you go camping.  'i remember all the nights at timberlake, in fact i was just in timberlake'  see what i did there?!?  thats quality entertainment right there!  anyway, justin timberlake, he's got so many great songs, you know, that one about bringing sexy back, and... all the others.  we all know he can sing and act and dance, but we have all wondered one thing: can he sell furniture?  well, yes, yes he can apparently because j.t. announced his own line of home decor.  he is starting a website to sell things like bookcases and tables and chairs and anything else he has lying around like paper clips, troll dolls, dead hobos. i dont know what he's got lying around!  now listen, i do not have a problem with justin timberlake, how could anybody, he's adorable!  he used to be on the mickey mouse club in 1992.  now this is amazing, his cast mates that year included britney spears, christina aguilera, and ryan gosling.  anyway, he's designing furniture now.  well, he's not designing the furniture, he worked with a professional designer though.  i doubt it was fifty fifty collaboration, justin probably said 'i like chairs', then the designer said 'great, i'll take it from here, see you in about six weeks!'  he didnt design the furniture, nor did he build it, but other than that its all his!  he's seen it.  maybe, maybe he's seen it!'
- michael sheen
- michael ian black


+ 'its a great day if you like paying your taxes', craig ferguson says, 'hey, it is your patriotic duty.  a painful annoying patriotic duty, but its something every good american should do.  who doesnt pay taxes?  al quida, thats who!  'no taxes for us bitch, we are like that naked guy from survivor, we just don't care!'  if nobody payed their taxes, america would be flat broke!  alright, we would be more flat broke.  you know what i read today?  that this year the u.s. will spend a trillion dollars more than we take in.  look, i'm not an economist, but that doesnt make sense!  how can you spend more than you take in?  experts say that 32% of our taxes go in defense, and the rest goes to buying hookers for the secret service.  my major problem at tax time is how to fill out the little box on the form that says 'occupation'.  i cant put down 'entertainer', cause clearly thats a lie.  and the box isnt big enough to put 'self hating clown'.  for a while i put down 'broadcaster'  cause that makes me sound important or something.  so now i just put down 'lover of ferrets'.  i figure that will make any IRS auditors question 'do i really want to go rummaging around a place with all those ferrets?  nay, he's fine...'  i feel for the people who work at the IRS, reading tax returns must get really boring.  so this year i spiced things up a bit for them, i wrote gag names on my returns.  one of my dependents is named barnaby mcdildopudding!  yeah, i'll let you know how that turns out... i'll be in jail.'
- kevin kline
- alice eve


+ 'not a great day for our secret service', craig ferguson states, 'over the weekend 11 secret service agents were busted with prostitutes.  honestly, i dont want to judge these people, but they are roll models who sacrifice so much for others.  and so are the secret service.  here's what scares me thought: if a secret service guy cant even go to a hooker and keep it a secret, then what hope is there?  i am not however, condoning the hiring of prostitutes.  i would never have sex with a hooker, unless it was t.j.  call me, william shatner!  you know who is to blame for the secret service bruhaha?  the politicians.  these agents spend a lot of time in washington, you hang out in washington long enough and the habits of the politicians are going to rub off on you!  president obama talked about the scandal today, he said that he is reserving judgement until all the facts are in, or at least until he can blame it on mitt romney.'
- kathy griffin
= m. ward


+ 'its not such a great day for north korea', craig ferguson shares, 'yesterday they launched a top secret new missile. it blasted off, went about 90 seconds, and then went 'phhh!'  it blew up, it fell apart faster than a kardashian marrage.  now, the failure has shocked the north korean scientific community.  which is really just a guy in a lap sleeping.  i'm glad i'm not a rocket scientist in north korea today, you'd be almost as scared as the guy at disney who greenlit the john carter movie!  'you know what would be a good movie?'  or would it?  according to the north koreans, the satellite was in no way connected to their nuclear weapons program.  they said it was simply a communications satellite.  it was intended to play patriotic songs for all the north koreans who own satellite radios...  this has actually happened before.  in fact, this is the third time that north korea has tried to launch this exact same missile, and each time it has literally blown up in their faces!  by now the ocean near north korea is full of metal.  its got more useless metal than an album by iron maiden.'
- sean hayes
- lena dunham


+ 'its a great day for our friends to the north, canada', criag ferguson shares, 'as you know i'm a big fan of canada, i love the canadians. our neighbor to the north, populated by the beautiful docile bovine creatures called canadians.  today the royal canadian mint announced they are getting rid of coins and paper money.  they are developing something called the 'mint chip'.  which i thought 'ice cream for money?'  no, the mint chip is a digital chip that is used to pay for stuff.  the chip can be put in a phone or a watch, or maybe even your hand.  i like the feel of an implant in my hand...  no, i am a big canada and here they go again leading the world one more time.  canadians have already given us maple syrup, peanut butter, the wonder bra.  thats true, they did invent all those things!  coincidentally, all three of them are things i like to wear on my body...  anyway, the canadians mean business, last week they have already phased out pennies.  gone!  its too bad for the person who's face is on the canadian penny, the most renowned canadian in the world: justin bieber.  yes, he is the father of all canadian philosophical thought.  baby, please.'
- judd apatow
= katherine jenkins


+ 'well, rick santorum dropped out of the race, so the big story today is about dinosaur eggs', craig ferguson diverts, 'thats true, there used to be bird like dinosaurs.  no, this is actually a big discovery, this is a big deal.  the fossils of dinosaurs and their eggs have never been found in the same place.  well, i for one think its nice that scientists found eggs on easter weekend!  they were like 'oh, i hope we find eggs!' and then they did!  if i were one of the scientists i would have played a trick on the other scientists.  i would have secretly switched dinosaur eggs with cadburry's cream eggs!  'good heaven, these dinosaur eggs are delicious, arent they?  chocolate covered with white gooy substance?  reminds me of my time in the navy!'  anyway, look, they werent just ordinary dinosaurs, they were alveosaurus.  i know!  basically, it means 'big nasty birds'.  instead of wings they had tiny little arms, and each arm had a big nasty claw on it.  which tells you one thing:  they were not masturbating very often, thats for sure!  thats why they were so angry!'


+ 'its a very unsettling day today', craig ferguson states, 'look at what was recently released in england: hot dog stuffed crust pizza.  thats right, hot dogs in the crust of pizzas!  we are through the looking glass here people!  and we are not going back because after a hot dog in your slice of pizza you wont fit anymore...  now this raises two important questions: 1. who came up with this monstrosity?, and b. how quickly can it be delivered to my house?  course, the real question is why are the hot dog crust pizza only available in england.  i mean, americans should be mad about this.  the hot dog originated in st. louis, and pizza is from italy.  you know the italians are mad about this, they are like 'whats a come and a go?  keepa your wiener away from my pizza!  also, i dont want any hot dogs near my food.'
- guy pearce who gets in to a bit of trouble for what he says about the australian capital!
- jessica st. clair


+ 'i used to love going fishing', craig ferguson states, 'i think it was really about the clothes though for me.  nothing says 'real man' like a vest with 38 pockets and a mesh hat with hooks in it.  i haven't gone fishing since i've been sober.  i used to use fishnet stockings.  people are like 'what?'  no, it really works.  fishnet stockings.  other fishermen were always surprised when they would see the catch of the day flopping away in my stockings.  then we would laugh and we'd all go fishing!  that's stupid.  stupid disgusting and ridiculous.  remind you of anyone?  maybe i'll go fishing again soon.  there's something very satisfying about getting up early in the morning, catching a fish, gutting it, cooking it yourself.  but there's something even more satisfying about staying in bed all day then going to a restaurant and eating fish.'
- billy gardell
- ian gomez


+ 'next week, of course, is the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the titanic', criag ferguson remembers, 'its a terrible tragedy, so what better way to mark the somber anniversary than a big hollywood 3D movie opening today!  thats right, titanic is back in the theaters!  its pretty amazing though that they have the computer programs that can turn the old movies in to 3D.  they take something flat and two dimensional and make it look real.  they should try that with mit romney!  i'm going to go see it in 3D, that will be great, everything will come flying at your face: the ship, the ice burg, the boobies!  i dont remember much about the movie, only the boobies!  who was that again in the movie? she was lovely, gorgeous blonde hair, sexy lips.  leonardo dicaprio, thats right!  kate winslet, of course, is the actress.  she's the one with the boobies in the movie.  i dont know why the movie studio isnt advertising the fact that you will be able to see her boobies in 3D- they should put that on the poster!  'remember her boobies?  well, they are in 3D!'  or they could do it more subtly, they could just underline the first three letters in titanic...'
- laura linney
# grant imahara

happy birthday, geoff!

'its geoff's bithday tonight, he's two!' craig ferguson states, 'i thought it would be a good idea if i invited geoff's former girlfriend, his 'heterosexual experiment': alex, and things have gotten a little weird'.
geoff, wearing a birthday hat, says 'yeash, i look like a gay wizard!'
'wait, they have straight ones?!?' craig responds.


+ 'its a great day if you wear glasses', criag ferguson announces, 'every nerd in america just went 'what?'  google just announced that they are making something called google glasses.  this is true, they are like regular glasses but they have embedded technology.  neither do i.  they project data on the lenses in front of your eyes.  no way!  and like with any new technology, i have two important questions: 1. how soon can i get them? and b. can i use them for pornography?  nah, i wont get google glasses. call me old fashioned, but i prefer to put two i phones over my eyes while i'm driving and texting.  the google glasses dont have the technology i wont though, they dont have x ray vision- come on google!  i remember ordering the x ray glasses from the back of comic books when i was a kid.  i was very excited, it used to say x ray glasses and these glasses with big swirly things on them and i was so excited.  but they never did what you wanted them to, which is to see naked people.  unless your definition of x ray is having red and white cardboard circles in front of your eyes.  they never worked until i wore them to a strip club!'
- jeffrey dean morgan
- jennifer coolidge


looks like we are getting at least two more years of craig ferguson!  david letterman and craig ferguson recently announced that they have renewed their contracts through 2014!  news outlets are also reporting that along with this deal come a few changes for dear ol' craig:  he will be getting a new bigger studio!  i've got a feeling that they are prepping him to take over the big spot when letterman rides off in to the sunset...

(you can read about the announcement here.)


+ 'its a great day for los angeles today', craig ferguson shares, 'today is l.a.'s birthday.  on this day in 1850 this city was founded.  back then everything was different, of course, everyone's fake boobs were made out of hay!  l.a. is 162 years old today, you cant tell though because of all the botox.  162, that is pretty old though, thats the combined age of mick jagger and a baby!  it bothers me that people think that l.a. is all kardashians because thats what it looks like on tv.  but its not like that really, l.a. is made up of decent hard working people who bust their asses every day.  i'm referring of course to the teamsters because i'm afraid of them!'


+ 'it is a great day here at the cbs network', criag ferguson shares, 'today the network announced that david letterman and i have extended our contracts to 2014!  the good news is that its two more years of dave, but the bad news is that its two more years of me.  the thing is, as part of the new deal, we get a bigger studio!  we are moving from this dump here to the big dump next door.  cause a big dump always makes you feel better.  thats the kind of quality entertainment you can expect until 2014!  some people are a bit alarmed, wondering 'is the show going to be the same?' uh, yeah.  it'll be a bit more echoy, but there wont be anything worrying like new material or anything.'
- ted danson
- hannah simone


+ 'if i seem a little woozy its because i'm a little jet lagged', craig ferguson shares, 'i went to scotland last week!  dont worry, its not dangerous, i'm from there.  its not like 'oh i went up to the source of the amazon'.  i went to scotland, theyve got airports and infrastructure.  it was lovely!  i might as well announced right now as well, we recorded a weeks worth of shows while we there there.  so, on the week of may the 14th, cancel all your appointments and fire up the vcr!  yeah, the vcr...  cause if you watch this show you probably still use a vcr.  'yeah, but i accidentally taped over diagnosis murder!'  do we have a graphic for the week of scotland shows?  of course not.  they air in may, so the graphic will be ready some time in july...'
# julie chen
# pau gasol


+ 'i'm very excited because the hunger games movie comes out today', craig ferguson states, 'the hunger games is based on a best selling book.  its very tricky turning a book into a movie because sometimes people love the books so much that no adaptation lives up to what they imagined.  now, you can avoid that disappointment very simply by never reading books.  i really like the name 'the hunger games', but i always get it confused with the hbo show 'game of thrones'.  i always get them mixed up!  i'm thinking 'the hunger game of thrones'.  i always get stuff mixed up.  i'm not kidding, i once ordered a fight club sandwich at subway once!  'i'd like a fight club sandwich' and they were like 'we wont talk about that'.  anyway, here's how i keep hunger games and game of thrones seperate: hunger games is the one with the girl and the bow and arrow.  game of thrones is the one with the extremely talented actor who is a little person.  or is that mission impossible?'
- elizabeth banks
bryan miller


+ 'today is the vernal equinox today'  craig ferguson states, 'and thats not a rude thing!  its a real thing.  its a very big day, it means that the earths axis is perpendicular to the sun.  i dont understand what it means either, but i think it had something to do with the sun being an equal distance from the two poles.  reminds me of my days as a stripper...  all i know is that the vernal equinox is a highfalutin' way of saying its the first day of spring! i live in los angeles so my nose feels a bit stuffy during the spring time, you know, from the pollen and the hairs floating around.  cause this is the time of the year when the kardashians loose their winter coats.'
- kathy bates

* brad goreski


+ 'i'm very excited because the author anne rice is here today', craig ferguson shares, 'she wrote 'interview with a vampire', 'memnoch the devil', and 'harry potter', and 'huck finn' and 'moby dick', and a pamphlet i read...  her vampire books are very popular.  people have been fascinated by vampires for centuries.  psychologists think that vampires represent unbridled eroticism.  you know, raw sexuality rapped up in a metaphor.  for those who want their sexuality with out any metaphor or subtext at all, there's always chat roulette.  trust me, you want a little bit of metaphor...  see, what happened was that in the '70s vampires had gotten pretty boring.  the scariest vampire was count chocula.  one bite from count chocula and you were cursed with type 1 diabetes!  what happened is that anne rice changed all that with 'interview with a vampire' when it came out in 1976.  the vampires are, of course, existentially torn between the sensual pleasures of this world and the curse of eternal life.  today's vampires are twilight, they are torn between their tossled hair and their chiseled abs.  'dude, i dont drink blood, its got too many carbs'.  then theres 'the vampire diaries' on the cw, which is ridiculousness!  a vampire wouldnt keep a diary!  what are they going to do with a diary?  'dear diary, does dr. van helsing like me or like me like me?'  the key way to recognize a vampire is that they grow older without changing their outward appearance.  so, what i'm saying is that rob lowe is a vampire!'
* anne rice
geoff tate


+ 'its march the 14th.  you know what that means?' craig ferguson asks, 'that means its the 14th of march...  its 314, the first three digits of the mathematical constant pi!  the number pi goes on forever, it stretches all the way to infinity.  its kind of like having dinner with regis philbin.  i thought about coming out here and explaining the mathematical principle of pi, but i'm too pretty to understand it.  all i know is that pi is a squiggly symbol.  on national pi day, math teachers are meant to show students how you can get the number pi by dividing 22 by 7 on a calculator.  i've never been that good with calculators, any time a calculator is in hand i just use it to spell boobs.  80085!  the state of illinois used to hold a special beauty pageant on pi day, it had beautiful women who would write out the number of pi on a chalk board for twenty four straight hours.  but people thought it was sexist so it was cancelled.  thats why we have the song 'bye bye, miss american pi'!  now, thats not true, but if that was true, wouldnt that be awesome?!?'
- regis philbin


+ 'its a very historic today today', craig ferguson shares, 'it was this day in 1781, it was a great day for me but it was a little before i was born.  this was the day in 1781 that we discovered uranus.  so i would like to wish your anus a happy birthday!  course, today isnt actually the planet's birthday, its been around a long time before any of us saw it, but today is the anniversary of the day sir william herschel first observed it.  herschel was a british astronomer and he was looking through his telescope one night and he said 'i say, what an unearthly beauty, hence forth it shall be called 'uranus'.'  then he turned his telescope away from his neighbor's window and looked into the sky...  herschal eventually cataloged the position of over 800 stars, of course if you want to see stars in these positions now, you just watch the celebrity sex tapes.  i dont think the planet uranus would be a great place to visit though.  it shines very brightly but its icy cold and pale white and very distant.  its like gwyneth paltrow.'
- jason segel
- jennette mccurdy


+ 'its a great day if you like organic food', craig ferguson states, 'and who doesnt?  in seattle they have announced the country's first urban food forest.  what it is is a thing where anyone can go in and you can eat fresh organic fruit without paying a dime!  i'm not making this up either.  officials in seattle are saying that this is the first park of its kind anywhere.  i'm thinking 'wait a minute, what about central park?  i used to live in manhattan, those pigeons were good eatin!'  you know who is going to love this urban food farm are the vegans.  in the past i have been a little bit harsh on the vegans, i've called them prius driving fascists, i've called them herbivours.  but now, through no fault of my own, i am one of them!  i have been turned to the dark side!  i no longer do the horizontal mambo with bacon!  here's what happened:  last weekend i got food poisoning.  it wasnt pretty.  let me just say that up until then i didnt even know my ears could vomit!  the irony is that i got food poisoning from a chicken at a very good organic restaurant, and now i am frightened to eat chicken.  my point is, if i have one, is that ever since i had that bad chicken, i havent had any meat at all.  i cant stand the smell of it, it makes me sick.  i cant even wear my assless chaps anymore because they are leather.  i have to wear free range underpants!  i actually tried to grow my own food once, but i couldnt find a store that sells twinkie seeds...'
- leslie bibb
# david milch