+ 'its a big day in st. petersburg, russia', craig ferguson shares, 'the G20 summit is going on and i'm stuck here!  but the G20 is where the heads of government get together and talk about the global economy, the european recession, miley cyrus on the vma's...  'what was she doing with her tongue?'  the big time world leaders are at the G20, vladimir putin is there representing russia, and of course barack obama is there representing nigeria...  anyway, reports are saying that putin wasn't in a good mood today.  i'm not surprised, putin just lost half his stuff in a divorce!  anyway, obama and putin are having dinner tonight to patch things up.  a little advice for obama- stay away from the sushi...  all eyes are on obama because of syria, he wants to use military strikes.  even his allies don't agree with him: britain wants to use economic embargoes, france wants to use sarcasm.'
- vin diesel
- sara gilbert


+ 'its a great day for the wonderful artist known as beyonce', craig ferguson shares, 'beyonce's birthday today- happy birthday, your ladyship.  she's 32 today, also its l.a.'s birthday today.  the city of los angeles was founded on this day 232 years ago.  now, los angeles and beyonce are very different of course, one's great to spend a couple nights in if you get the chance, and the other... um, lets just forget that, shall we?  now, i've made fun of los angeles many times on this show, i've called it a dump, ive called it ugly, i've said its a terrible place to live... but its l.a.'s birthday today!  it was founded in 1781 by the spanish.  now you may want to sit down for this.  people in l.a. used to speak spanish. used to, eh?'
- elijah wood
- brie larson


+ 'it is a great day for dianna naya', craig ferguson informs, 'she's the 64 year old woman who was the first person to swim from cuba to florida without a cage.  apparently people have done it before with a cage.  i don't know how its done, i would think it would be harder with a cage, wouldn't it?  you have to hold up the cage and swim the whole time?  that would be damn near impossible!  swimming without a cage, great, but what about swimming with a cage?  anyway, she did it and it was very inspiring, but i'm concerned about the practice of putting old people in cages!  its an amazing thing, a 64 year old woman swimming from cuba to florida though, it took endurance and perseverance and some pretty fucking lazy sharks, i'd say!  i mean, come on sharks, really?'
- jay leno
cameron esposito


+ 'its labor day!', craig ferguson exclaims, 'what could be more american than making an immigrant work on labor day?  its too bad because i like to go to the beach on labor day.  and here in los angeles the beaches are packed with thongs and cleavage, and the women dress sexy too!  me? i've got some new green pants!  i'm very excited about them, i'm wearing them under these pants!  how do they feel? snug.  you should get a pair of green pants, everybody is doing it- minty green pants!  everybody, but me first.  that's how you know a trend is on the way, when a middle aged white guy does it...'
- angela kinsey
* david feherty

season 10

'hey everybody, hi', craig says as he walks out wearing a loose button down shirt, minty green pants, and sunglasses, 'welcome to the new show!  things are going to be a bit different from now on.  'in what way do you mean, craig?'  well, first of all, the audience isn't even here yet- we started without them!  losers!  the leaves are turning in secretariat's barn, the fall is coming.  and geoff, whats the big news there?  he can now move both arms!  i've got a feeling that this season, the start of our 10th season, will be the grooviest of all!'