+ 'today is a holiday that not many people know about', criag ferguson shares, 'its actually john muir day. 'who's john muir?' john muir is a famous naturalist. a naturalist is someone who is really in to nature. do not confuse a naturalist with a naturist. a naturist is someone who really loves nude volleyball. like me! oh yes, when i'm out there on the beach you should see me drive my spike into the sand. and then you should see me play volleyball! john muir lived in the 1800's, he moved here actually from scotland. he spent his life trying to preserve america's nature. as someone who also immigrated from scotland, i feel i followed in muir's footsteps. in that he went on to save america's wilderness, and i went on to hold up a cussing rabbit puppet. at that point, we kind of went our separate ways... in many ways i did more than he did- the nature was already here! muir is considered the father of our national parks and i'm glad we still have national parks, you know, land untouched by starbucks, and shopping malls, and kardashians... muir spent years walking across america, people thought he was looking for nature, but i suspect that he was just scottish and didnt want to spring for the bus fare. 'no, its too expensive, i will in fact just walk from here to the pacific!' john muir went on to establish yosemite national park. one of america's most famous hiking trail is there, its called the john muir trail. i've never actually understood the word 'hiking'. its just like walking for snobs. you cant just invent a fancy word like for walking to make it sound important. its like saying 'i'm not sitting down, i'm power lounging'. its just walking! 'i'm going hiking', oh are you? what kind of hiking are you doing? that kind of one foot in front of the other hiking? 'yes, but with special shoes on and i carry my own water' ooooh, you must have trained for fucking years!!!'

craig's pointer

as craig ferguson introduces a silly idea for a new cbs twitter contest, he goes back to his desk to find something he can offer the winner of the contest. he pulls a pen pointer from his pen cup and initially offers it as the winning prize. after inspecting it for a second he realizes that its pretty cool and decides to keep it for himself! through out the rest of the night's show, craig plays with it and tries to think of what he can use it for. criag amuses himself to no end suggesting you use the pointer to point to your own crotch. 'you should do that while you are out for dinner! when the waiter comes to the table!' which ends with craig laughing himself silly!

cbs twitter contest

hey, want to win a useless silver sharpie? well you are in luck!
'i'm in a conundrum', craig ferguson confesses, 'i'm in a quandry, i'm having something of a dilemma. heres the thing, geoff and i like to play this game before the show with the audience, we say 'cbs' and then we make up things that cbs could stand for. and i just made up a really rude one! they said 'you better not say that on the air!' and i thought 'oh no!' so i thought the thing we should do is have a competition! what to do is go on the tweety or send me an email and write 'cbs' and put what you think it stands for. and the best one will win cbs! i've just heard that cbs cannot offer itself up as a prize, legally. but the prize you will win...' craig goes back to his desk to find something to offer as a prize, 'this lovely thing'. once he realizes its a retractable pointer pen, he says 'oh, its for pointing! no, thats too awesome, you cant have this!' then craig puts it back and grabs something else. he grabs a silver sharpie. 'i will give you this lovely silver nonspecific pen. so, just write in with your best ideas for what 'cbs' stands for. the best one, the one we like will win this pen!'
if you have some 'cbs' ideas, then sent him a comment on his twitter here, or email him at the show here!


+ 'its april the 20th, you know 4/20', criag ferguson reminds, '420 of course is when stoners celebrate their love of marijuana. if you dont know what to get your favorite stoner on 420, just rewrap whatever you got them last year. 'oh, thats so awesome!' here in l.a. they celebrated 420 with a 'stoner' parade. the parade went down sunset, took a right at the baskin robbins and never came out! i dont smoke pot. i dont need drugs, i already get high on life! and i huff paint. its why i can never go back to home depot...'


+ 'the pulitzers were announced today', craig ferguson shares, 'the big winner in today's pulitzers was the l.a. times. well done, l.a. times! now, the l.a. times, if you dont know, is what we call a newspaper, its what people used to read before blogs. the l.a. times has been an institution in this town for 130 years, almost as long as cher. the l.a. times won the pulitzer for public service. the opposed some sleazy politicians. can you believe that? a politician thats sleazy? what?!? next you will be telling us that wall street is corrupt, that ricky martin is gay, that pro wrestling is fake, that o.j. is guilty, that tom cruise is a leprechaun, that kloe kardashian is a man. anyway, what they did was bust a few sleazy politicians. these guys were from a working class town in california called bell. what they were doing was raising taxes to give themselves huge bonuses and they caught them because the l.a. times caught them with their hands in the cookie jar. its nice to know, though, that good journalism is alive and well. the sad truth is that people dont really buy the newspaper anymore. i used to love the morning ritual of walking down the driveway, greeting the newspaper guy, letting my robe fall open accidentally...'

* astronomer derrick pitts


+ 'its not a great day if you like the online poker', craig ferguson informs, 'over the weekend the department of justice shut down the biggest online poker sites for violating u.s. laws. poker players said they never saw this coming, but thats probably because they are wearing thos stupid little sunglasses. now, a lot of people have been affected by this shut down, 10 million americans go online for poker. to give you an idea how many that is, take the number of americans who go online for pornography, and subtract about a billion. you know what got the poker sites in trouble for breaking the law? its the same law that prevents the banks from transferring money to off shore accounts. now, if i've learned anything over the past couple years, is that uncle sam is not going to allow banks to screw the american people over. 'hey, wait a minute, craig, was that a jab at the hypocracy of busting tiny poker sites while wall street runs riot?' i'm not sure.'


+ 'a lot of people from here in california are going out to the desert this weekend', craig ferguson states, 'its coachella, the three day music festival. coachella, in case you dont know, is a native american word that means 'nine dollar beer'. coachella calls itself a music and arts festival, but i doubt theres much art unless you count the dudes painting the grass with vomit. there wont be as much nudity as there was at woodstock, its woodstock without the wood. people always say woodstock was so awesome, it wasnt that great, everyone was wacked out on drugs, sleeping in the mud, reeking of b.o. it was like half a million randy quaads. they say that if you remember woodstock then you werent really there. well i dont remember it so i was probably there then, even though i was five at the time. actually its possible... the coachella festival always gets the huge bands, this year its kanye west. it was originally going to be taylor swift, but kanye ran up and got the microphone first. anyway, coachella usually has a bunch of electronic music. i admit, i dont really understand electronic music, it sounds like a horny robot talking gibberish, and frankly i get enough of that around here...'

* awesome biologist dan riskin


+ 'not a great day for the FAA', craig ferguson admits, 'you know, a high ranking faa official had to resign because several air traffic controlers fell asleep on the job. thats not good. i dont know what faa stands for, maybe 'fell asleep again', 'fierce and available', 'fun with alcohol and amphedamines'... anyway, the faa is of course the federal aviation administration, and the official who resigned was in charge of air traffic control. yesterday an air traffic controller fell asleep while planes were trying to land in reno. now, i've been to reno. i mean no disrespect to the people of reno, but not landing in reno is not the worst thing in the world! this was the sixth time this year the air traffic controllers have been caught sleeping. i know a good way to keep these guys awake: force them to sit in the same cramped seats that we have to sit in on the airplanes! sleep deprivation effects everyone. i havent been getting much sleep because i have a baby at home, thats why. you know when you hear people say 'oh, i slept great, i slept like a baby' really? what babies have you met? if sleeping like a baby means crying all night and pooping, by that definition i slept like a baby from 1979 to 1992! i had dificulty sleeping as a kid, i'd get scared. i'd worry about a monster in the closet, cause there's nothing scarier than a monster who refuses to admit that he's gay.'

tweet cheer

always with the ass mode! craig ferguson introduced another new tweets and email jingle to the show. this time it is in the style of a sort of 70's rock song that would be featured in a half time show at a sports event (think 'we will rock you'). there is also something in the lyrics about making love with his feet? man, these things keep getting weirder and weirder...


+ 'its a great day if you like the hockey', craig ferguson shares, 'you know the old skate and sticks, the oval circle, the puck top soccer, the canadian baseball, the ice-aroni. you know what i'm talking about. the nhl playoffs started tonight. here in l.a. the l.a. kings are taking on the san jose sharks. i'm a bit of an l.a. kings fan, i wasnt when i first came here, cause having to cheer for kings is part of the reason i left the old country, but i came around eventually. they havent been around that long, but l.a. kings fans can be fierce. literally fierce, like 'i love a man with no teeth!'. but to be honest i'm glad l.a. hockey fans arent as intense as canadian hockey fans. this is true, right now in canada they are thinking about postponing an important political debate because its going to conflict with a hockey game. can you believe that? an entire nation is willing to put democracy on hold to watch burly guys smash each other in the face. that is awesome! we salute you canada, you've got your priorities right!'


+ 'its a great day if you like catching crabs, and who doesnt?' craig ferguson asks, 'the season premier of 'deadliest catch' was on earlier tonight on another channel. i cant say which one, but finding it would be quite the discovery... pst, its the discovery channel, unaffiliated with cbs. dont cbs get annoyed about that? not as much as they get annoyed with me fucking cussing all the time! anyway, i get excited about 'the deadliest catch' because its one of my favorite shows, its about fishermen looking for crabs off the coast of alaska. its one of the only places to go if you want to find crabs, either that or the hot tub on the jersey shore. crab fishing is not like ordinary fishing, you dont just sit on a boat with a bucket of worms and a big rod, crab fishing is dangerous. the weather is unforgiving, ships have to be on the look out for an ice formation, or a rogue wave, or a fridged gail. by the way, fridged gail is the name of the cbs censor we have here on the show. thats her name. its actually her nickname, her real name is gail assbucket. why would you become a censor with a name like assbucket? thats not her full name, her full name is gail fucking assbucket!'


+ 'there is so much going on, i dont know where to begin tonight!' criag ferguson exclaims, 'the gas prices are rising, the presidential race is beginning to heat up, the trouble in the middle east is going crazy, but none of that really concerns me. you know why? because this week is national library week. wait, try to contain your enthusiasm. 'library? whats that?' this is the week that we celebrate our nation's libraries by... returning books that are overdue! i still got my copy of 'y2k for dummies'. i actually was very worried about that y2k thing, but weirdly not until a couple of months ago. what other old books do i have? 'ricky martin's tips for picking up ladies', thats a bit of an old one. 'john edwards: our future president', 'jay and conan: a friendship for the ages'. probably needs a new appendix on that one... i return my books on time, i've never understood people who hold on to it forever, the whole concept of borrowing is that you return it. unless of course you are lindsay lohan, then... 'whoa craig, that was an actual late night joke!' a lot of people think that books will soon be obsolete with all those e-readers out there, you know the kindle and the nook and the ipad. its difficult to find the best one, so here's my advice to the kids: dont read. dont read ever. just get a fat ass, do a sex tape, and someone will give you a reality show. anyway, no matter what happens to books, libraries will never go out of style cause homeless people will always need a place to look up internet porn.'
- isabella rossellini
- casey wilson


+ 'if you are wondering why we are on a little later than usual', craig asks, 'its because the masters is on. i wait all year with bated breath for the masters to be on. 'did you just say you masturbate all year?' yes i do, i get those sequins in my hand and go nuts! thats right, i masturbate to golf. oh, geeze. classy show tonight, isnt it? well, we're on late and the kids are already asleep. the masters has been on cbs since 1956, its a cbs staple, it will always be on cbs. its a cbs staple like andy rooney, katie curic... she's gone. you are dead to me, katie! they call the masters the super bowl of golf but its a little different than the real super bowl. you wont see anyone at a golf tournament shirtless with paintings yelling 'you suck! you suck!', not since i was banned from pga events. now, golf of course was invented in scotland in 1523. it was invented by a scotsman called john golf. he came up with an idea of hitting the head of an englishman with a long curved stick for five hours. people were like 'what are you doing?!?' 'golf.' course they dont use englishmen's heads for golf in scotland anymore, the stopped that practice a long time ago- last september.'


+ 'do you like the popular music?' craig ferguson asks, 'i do, i listen to all the happenin' bands, the black eyed peanuts, the lady gagas, the jonas brothers. are they still around? they have got to be in their 50's by now. anyway, whats happening is that phychologists have been studying popular music to see what it says about us a society and they have reached this conclusion: we are all narcissists. you know, someone who is vein, egotistical, all about me me me. the psychologists say popular music today is all about bragging, all about 'i' and 'me' and older music was about 'we' and 'us'. me, i just like the idea of psychologist studying song lyrics like 'my hypothesis: well i dont know what you heard about me, but a bitch cant get a dollar out of me, im a p-i-m-p.' now you've got to remember that these are psychologists, not psychiatrists. a psychologist is somebody who doesnt feel the need to waste all that time at medical school. you know what a psychologist looks like: dr. phil! awe, he thinks he's a real doctor! according to these psychologists we are all suffering from narcissism, where we only think of ourselves. now the word 'narcissism' was coined by sigmond freud, who was a real doctor. now, freud wouldnt say we only think of ourselves, he would say we only think about penises. which of coarse is nonsense, thats hard to believe. thats a complete fallacy. i would hold that as a boner of contention'.


+ 'its a great day for underwater life', criag ferguson shares, 'you know: fish, plankton, aquaman. cause today the beardy gazillionaire richard branson unveiled a new project. a submarine that can zoom around like a jet airplane. its awesome! you know branson, hes the guy that started all the virgin things: virgin records, virgin atlantic, susan boyle. anyway, richard branson is currently the 212th richest man in the world. 212? bill gates and warren buffet are like 'loser!'. richard branson has allready started working on a space exploration program and now he wants to explore the depths of the ocean. i'm thinking this is a guy who really hates his family! i like him though, he's got style. now, i've never been to the bottom of the ocean but i already know whats there: water. you are welcome, richard branson, i just saved you half a billion dollars! the new submarine is amazing, it can go seven miles down. thats very deep! 'how deep is it craig?' its so deep even noam chompsky doesnt understand it! so, we have an audience full of fans of analytic philosophy, i see. 'we dont know what that is, but we are afraid not to laugh'. dont worry, its funny if you are brainy. i dont understand it either.'


+ today marks the first anniverary of geoff peterson! he's been on the show as craig ferguson's sidekick for a year now!
+ 'its not a great day if you are one of the millions of americans who recently had their identities stolen. to avoid identity theft i keep my internet info where no one can find it: on the cbs website for this show! anyway, heres what happened: over the weekend a marketing company called epsilon got their databases broken into by hackers. now hackers sold everyone's information to criminals who use it to go phishing. thats phishing with a 'ph', like the crappy greatful dead cover band. i look forward to your letters, your long patchouli scented letters. get a hair cut, hippies! anyway, phishing is when someone sends you a link to a fake version of a real website, then uses it to ask you for sensitive information, and you give them the sensitive information. and before you know it- bam! you are sucked into a computer, you are trapped in a glowing maze gobbling pills and being chased by ghosts! thats pac-man. i dont really know how the internet works.'

+ dear aquaman


+ 'its a sad day here at cbs', craig ferguson shares, 'katie curic announced she is stepping down as the head of cbs evening news. theres no word on her replacement yet, i think though, i would nicely fit into her chair, i already fit nicely into her outfits... its a big day in washington d.c. though, president obama has officially announced his reelection campaign. its not really a surprise though, today he did all the things that make it official: he filed the paperwork, he redesigned his website, he printed another fake birth certificate... is he still trying to sell the hawaii thing? some people consider this the start of the 2012 election. as far as i'm concerned, the election starts when the first attack ad airs. which should be in about twenty minutes...'


+ 'its a great day for america, everybody', craig ferguson shares, 'its a great day. to be honest its been kind of sad too. i've been doing this show for six years, been a nightly guest in american homes, its an honor i'll never ever forget. i'll always be thankful for cbs, i know i poke fun at them, but they have supported me all the way. which makes it difficult for me to tell you this: i am going to be leaving the show at the end of the month. april fools!!! ha ha ha! you suck! i win! you suck! dont you hate that?!? when some douche thinks they can do whatever they want because its april first. why on this day its ok to play a practical joke? although i guess what i did wasnt really a practical joke cause i promised people what they really want and then i snatched it away from them. i heard one or two 'aww's and the rest went 'oh! does this mean saget?' it wasnt really a joke, it was more of a tease. but thats what i am, a tease! i wish the first day of every month had a prank theme. you know, after april fools day, may could be 'may i kick you in the balls?', june: june know i want to kick you in the balls', july: july if you say you dont like all this ball kicking!'.'


+ at the top of the show craig invites a man down from the audience to chat. turns out he can play the mouth organ! larry johnson is the man, and boy can he play! because of this he is awarded the golden mouth organ by craig! add another winner to the list!
+ 'its opening day- baseball season is here!' craig ferguson shares, 'america's favorite pass time, second only to angry birds. do we have a graphic? yeah! i have to say, these graphics are borderline adequate. which is better than they used to be, i'm actually impressed! i'm like 'that doesnt actually suck as much as they used to suck!' you know in washington dc they usually get the president to throw out the first pitch, but this year obama turned them down. what? apparently theres other stuff going on in the world. i'm like 'really? where?' anyway, he's busy and today he had to meet with hillary clinton, so fox news reports it as 'obama rejects america's game for date with grumpy transvestite'. anyway look, i would never throw the first pitch in a baseball game, i'd be too nervous, i'd be scared. but i always love to see who they get. last year at fenway park it was everybody's favorite baseball legend: chewbacca! thats for real! he was wookie of the year! ha ha ha! a joke! 'craig, craig, is that an actual joke on your late night show?!?' yeah! yeah! an actual joke! next we'll have a band and some actual things! no. you will never go to ball, cinderella!'.'