craig on 'today'

criag ferguson stops by the 'today show' to talk with hoda and kathie lee about his recent time in paris. they show a few clips of craig and kristen bell walking the streets and visiting a shoe store. craig talks with the ladies about shoes and sexuality, underwear, the drew carey show, his new baby, and how he met his wife. also, he talks about a possible game show thats in the works! criag is brimming over with his usual funny self! check out the video here!


+ 'tonight is a great day for me', craig ferguson shares, 'because it is the season premier of project runway! i love that show! the poster for the latest season has heidi klum naked with a scissors. you should never use a scissors while you are in the nude, thats very dangerous. i actually had a horrible accident once from doing that. i wont go into the details, but lets just say, i cut off my penis. thankfully it grew back because i am a starfish... that happens if a starfish cuts off his penis on accident, which is pretty difficult because its very difficult to use a scissors if you are a starfish! 'if only i could cut this fabric i could go the the ball, instead i will just sit here on this rock'. listen, i probably shouldnt admit this, but i only watch three shows: project runway, mythbusters, and a hidden camera i have set up in a friends bedroom. thats right bob saget, i see what you did there! i tivo it as well. its rated m for 'mmm!'. i watched the first 8 seasons of project runway, so i kind of feel like everyone on that show is a member of my family- because they are all bitchy and never call me! i mean that in a loving way, of course...'


+ 'its a big night, of course, for american soccer', craig ferguson states, 'what's that? its like regular soccer, but nobody watches... earlier tonight the mls all stars took on manchester united. now we are live of course, so! no, congratulations winners and the dude who got kicked in the balls- you know its going to happen, its the only reason you watch! manchester united probably won, lets be honest, because its soccer and its manchester united. manchester united are like the yankees of soccer, only different in that only half of manchester united have slept with madonna. soccer has actually become quite popular here in america. a couple of weeks ago the womens soccer world cup finals set rating records a-fire. unfortunately at the time we lost to japan, our women played well but couldnt finish because they got too excited in the box... i've had that problem myself... do you know that more american kids play soccer than any other sport combined? now, that is not true, but wouldnt it be interesting... then we might actually be able to win! i'm glad major league soccer is catching on, i'm not so sure about the team names though, i've got to be honest. kansas city wiz? dallas burn? those are real names! wiz and burn? those are also names for chlmydia!'


+ 'its a great day for the human race, i have to say', craig ferguson shares, 'or is it? according to these learned men, who for the purpose of this show, we will call 'scientists'. human DNA has revealed that we are a lot closer to neanderthal than we thought. humans and neanderthals didnt just coexist, apparently they used to... um, knock stones. 'paint each other's caves', if you know what i'm sayin', 'spear the mammoth', if the cave was a rockin, dont come a knockin! a recent headline reads 'humans had sex with neanderthals, says DNA'. who said science cant be fun? science never use the term 'caveman', they use neanderthal because primitive man did not always live in caves, they lived in other places too. we wasted a lot of time looking for them in caves when all along they lived in million dollar compounds in pakistan! anyway, scientists now have evidence that humans and neanderthals mated. personally i'm not surprised we have caveman DNA, i can certainly see my caveman roots. i'm very rugged and outdoorsy, some days i will walk out of the house without putting on any moisturizer!'


+ 'its not such a great day in washington d.c.', craig ferguson states, 'everybody's terrified about this debt ceiling, cause if we dont raise it it could cause financial chaos, which would be horrifying! a lot of people dont understand what the debt ceiling situation is. i'm going to try and explain the debt ceiling in terms that we can all understand: its this ceiling for our debt. i hope that helped. its actually very simple, the government spends more money every year and every time the congress votes for a bigger budget they are required to have a separate vote to raise the debt ceiling to pay for that budget. now, when the president and the congress are members of the same party, raising the debt ceiling: not a big deal. its like asking your buddy 'can i borrow twenty bucks for lunch?' but if they are on opposite parties, its like asking your wife for money to go to the strip club! see? now, weirdly enough, the last time this happened was during the clinton administration! 'i swear hillary, each lap dance costs three billion!' you know what really worries people who know stuff about stuff? we owe a record amount of money to china. and the chinese are starting to drop little hints that they might want it back! they have! last night i got chinese and the fortune cookie said 'where's our money, bitch!'.'


+ 'do you know what i'm very excited about?' craig ferguson asks, 'the new movie thats opening today: captain america! when i heard they were making a movie about an american hero who looks great in red, white, and blue, i said 'about damn time- i love richard simmons!' anyway, its not richard simmons, its about captain america. he's a superhero, and i'm like 'finally! this summer a movie about superheroes!' no, i said a couple weeks ago that i was sick of superhero movies. i was at the time, but now i'm hungry for more. that happens sometimes, like last year i said i was sick of the platinum blonde look, and then the other day i figured what the hell and got it done again... down stairs i'm billy idol! too much? anyway, captain america is about a wimpy guy who gets transformed, he's injected by an experimental serum, and then enhanced by chemicals to become awesome! the moral of the story, kids, is that drugs work! my body was also transformed by chemical experimentation... this is how it worked out.'
- john goodman wins the golden mouth organ!
- jayma mays though not particularly skilled, craig was smitten by her and gives her a golden mouth organ as well!


+ 'today the big news, of course, is that in san diego its the first day of comic con!' craig ferguson states, 'its the biggest science fiction and comic book convention in the world. anyway, i cant believe that comic con is going on and i'm stuck here. geoff went last year and nobody recognized him, they thought he was keira knightley. for some reason comic con attracts a lot of fat dudes in underpants- and i cant believe i'm stuck here! i'm not sure i would fair well at comic con, i'm not sure if an old fellow like me would fit in with the young folks, or i'd fit into my wonder woman outfit either. people wear crazy outfits there, its like ren faire but with acne! its not just guys, women like this stuff too, or at least they say they do. i think its just an excuse to dress up like sexy princess leia. so what you should do is get yourself to comic con if you want to see fat guys in underpants trying to pick up princess leia. you'll hear a lot of 'hey baby, you want to take out my lightsaber? not my penis, i mean my actual lightsaber!' comic con is going on for the next four days, geeks from across america are descending on san diego like herds of bespecticled wildebeests. if you need your computer fixed this weekend, you are screwed.'


+ 'its a great day for science', craig ferguson shares, 'its a great day and a sad day. in just a few hours the space shuttle atlantis is scheduled to touch down in florida, the last shuttle landing ever. first harry potter, and now the space shuttle, all the things that i grew up with, all the touchstones of my youth are coming to an end. see young people, i'm just like you! except i'm older and creepier. i'm going to watch the final shuttle landing live on nbc. its sad watching an icon that defined the 80's come to an end, and i'll miss the shuttle too! a ha! i read that the crew of atlantis brought an iphone into space and they use it to track their experiments. i think 'track their experiments' is code for 'playing angry birds'. the commander of the atlantis is named chris ferguson, i think its heartening to see someone named ferguson make smart career choices. you know, some people are born to be astronauts, they look at the moon and say 'some day i'm going to go there', and other people like me look at the moon and say 'someday i'm going to meet a sexy werewolf'.'


+ 'its a great day for us here in los angeles', craig ferguson shares, 'we have in fact survived 'carmageddon'. yes, the giant freeway closure. we made it through. what a load of crap! for three months the local news here has been drilling it into our heads saying the same word over and over and over again. there were updates on a freeway closure! every hour on the hour 'still closed. still closed. still closed. freeway's still not open!' now, if you dont live here in l.a., first of all, congratulations. but if you dont live here you might not have heard about the 'carmageddon' bruhaha. the local 405 freeway here was closed for the weekend to 'get some work done', just like everyone else in l.a. it was to add an extra traffic lane for jay leno's cars or something. anyway, the 405 freeway is the main highway here in southern california. if freeways were kardashians, then the 405 would be kim. you know, its more popular than the other ones, a little more glamorous, has room for a carpool lane... apparently they are going to close the freeway again next year for even more construction. cause if theres one thing hollywood loves, its making a sequel to something that sucked the first time! they are going to have to give it a better title so people will get excited about it! may i suggest 'carmageddon and the deathly hallows part 2'!'

photos of craig in france

recently craig ferguson shared that he was going to take his show, the late late show with craig ferguson, to paris france! this will be the first time the show has ever left the confines of its studio in california! the magazine entertainment weekly caught up with craig and shared a few pictures of some of the wacky goings-on in paris! here's what it said in a recent issue:
For a week beginning Aug. 1, CBS' chatfest will air episodes filmed in Paris- non of which feature the standard talk-show setup. "It was kind of our own version of The Amazing Race," says producer Michael Naidus. "We didn't tape anything in a studio. We were in something like 35 locations in four days." Host Craig Ferguson donned his Michael Caine getup, while his robot sidekick Geoff took in the sights. "Only tourists wear berets in Paris," explains Naidus, "so we put them on."
look forward to seeing the craig and geoff peterson in paris episodes airing at the beginning of august!


+ 'it is a big day for us today', craig ferguson admits, 'its a big day for the wizards and the house elves, the muggles, the ravenclaws, and the rufflepinks, because the movie they have all been waiting for is finally here: winnie the pooh! fun for the whole family, go see it! ah, i talked about pooh yesterday, actually i talk about poo every day! no, the other movie thats out today: harry potter! hurray! i love harry potter, the crowds are huge. its so tough to get tickets. how tough is it to get tickets? its so tough that rupert murdoch had to hack into the movie phone! now this movie is all about harry confronting his arch rival voldimort, a hideous villain with pale skin and awful teeth, which in brittan could be just about anybody... anyway, i just got into the harry potter recently because i've begun reading the books. you know, not for myself, but i've been reading them to my son. i like the books, they are great, actually. but some of the movies, i have to be honest with you, and i know this will be controversial, i'm like 'really?' i just watched the fourth one, the goblet of fire, after reading the book. the book is sensational then i watched the movie and i went 'really?' it made me pretty angry, the book is great. the movie doesnt even have winky the female house elf in it. how the hell can that happen? winky is my favorite character and they cut her out of the movie- you bastards! and let me tell you something, this new movie better have winky in it, in fact, every movie should have winky in it! from this moment on, i will only see movies that have winky in it!'


+ 'everybody is going to the movies this weekend', craig ferguson admits, 'thats whats going on. a lot of people are going to see that little out house movie, 'harry potter and the legend of curly's gold', i'm not. i'm going to a different movie. i'm going to a positive uplifting film that has a message for the whole family. and by positive message for the whole family, i mean one where i see my name on the screen and i say to my family 'in your face, bitches! especially you, six month old baby!' anyway, luckily for me, winnie the pooh is out this weekend and i am the voice of owl. if you want a little taste of what it sounds like, here you go, you ready: 'woo'. if you want more, get your ass to the theater because if you dont, this little mom and pop company that made it, called disney, wont be able to make another movie... winnie the pooh, thats what i'm talking about. it can teach children important life lessons. remember kids, if you ever see a bear in the woods, go up to it and try to make friends! offer him some honey! its not true of course, bears are ruthless predators who will pounce on fresh meat with their razor sharp claws. thats why i never wear tight pants when i go on 'the view'. when i first found out i got the gig as the owl i was very happy, i immediately started gluing feathers to my body. then i found out it was an animated movie and i was only doing the voice, but i kept on gluing because i did not want those birds to have died for nothing. its a joke! i didnt kill birds so i could have a costume! owls are awesome anyway, i love them. they've got these tiny little bodies with giant heads and they vomit out these furry little pellets. they're like super models!'
- zooey deschanel she wins the golden mouth organ!
- jim cummings he wins the golden mouth organ too- he even brought his own! what an episode!

craig on leno?!?

what? craig ferguson was on leno?!? yes, thats right, craig ferguson appeared on 'the tonight show with jay leno' last night. what is this world coming to?!? well, at least during that episode that had one good host on it! craig talks about being on leno during the opening bit of his own show, heres what he had to say: 'i was on the tonight show tonight with jay leno. it was funny, i was on the tonight show and they have everything there! he've got lights, and cameras, and an audience that wants to see the host! ok, maybe they dont have that... but they've got lights and cameras. theres bands there and a desk that isnt rickety, and there's glittery balls hanging from the ceiling! not just one glittery ball on a desk, they were hanging from the ceiling! as if they were free, you could just reach out and pluck them, as if they were some sort of disco fruit! anyway i just loved it, it was like for someone who does this job, like sitting in a big beautiful ferrari or something. and then i got to come back here, a soviet era sedan. and i'm not kidding, i go into the tonight show and they've all got free things, they are like 'hey craig, have free cups, here's a bath robe, here's a hat, and please take this complimentary car, and train, and here's some moisturizer that costs thousands. here, have your own leopard, off you go!' and then i come back here and put on this suit and i walk down the corridor to this studio and i see a crap stain on the carpet. and i thought, you know, i wouldnt be anywhere else!'


+ 'its a great day if you like the roller coasters', craig ferguson shares, 'cause today the worlds steepest roller coaster opens in japan. the roller coaster goes 80 miles an hour and flips upside down seven times! its like car pooling with mel gibson- its crazy! the real kicker is that the new roller coaster has a drop so steep that they say its 'beyond vertical'. now i know what you are thinking, your thinking 'craig, there is no such thing as beyond vertical', and i'm like 'shut up, physicists!' its called the takabetha, which i think is japanese for 'number one pants pooper'. i look forward to your letters... historians say that the first roller coaster was built in 1784 in st. petersburg in russia, it was built for the amusement of catherine the great. you know, for most of the 1800's, roller coasters were called 'russian mountains', which is the name i used to dance under! even when the ride came to a stop, the screaming didnt! thats quite good that! strangely in russia they called roller coasters 'american mountains'. isnt that weird? i dont know why, no one knows. its one of those strange wrinkles in history that no one has cared enough to investigate, like how larry king avoided getting scurvy on the mayflower, no one really knows! 'it was the oranges!' you're thinking 'craig, we are learning so much tonight and yet you are still creapy and disgusting!' i know.'
- d. j. qualls
- angela kinsey


+ 'we've got a bunch to worry about here in america', craig ferguson states, 'and everyone is worried about the same thing. thats right, the joffrey dancers are being locked out. its true, the joffrey ballet dancers are being locked out and might lead to season being cancelled. what the fuck!?! i cant believe this shit! the joffrey ballet is in chicago, and needless to say the locals are not happy. the people of chicago love two things: da bears, and da ballet! it must be tough to be a ballet dancer in a city known for its deep dish pizza. now chicago is a city without dance! is this the plot to footloose? we have to send kevin bacon to chicago to restore their faith in the power of a loose foot! as of now, chicago's ballerinas are locked out. that means the union talks have failed, everythings at a stand still until they can get it worked out, this could lead to a strike. and the most graceful picket line ever! you've got lock outs going in the nfl and the nba as well, where can we go to find guys in tight pants?!? dont worry, i'll find somewhere...'


+ 'its not a great day for rupert murdoch', craig shares, 'you know rupert murdoch, the adorable media baron who owns fox, fox news, fox sports, fox and friends, foxy, and megan fox... his cheerful drive for global domination has hit a snag. the british government has announced that they may cancel his 14 billion dollar satellite deal because they have discovered something about mr. murdoch: he's evil! thats how on the ball the british government is! 'i say, this ruthless billionaire may not be entirely trustworthy'. anyway, in the media business being evil isnt always a bad thing, there's also the loveable kind of evil we have here at cbs! anyway, rupert murdoch is in the business where evil and awesome gets blurry, one of murdoch's tabloids went too far. they hacked people's phones and listened to their voicemails. victims said that their iphones were so screwed up they were actually working! lawyers are saying there is a technical word for accessing someone's voicemail without permission, the word is 'crime', and the people who do it are often called 'criminals'. apparently criminals arent allowed to buy britian's largest satellite network. they have very quaint laws over there...'


+ 'its july the seventh, so its seven seven today', craig ferguson observes, 'for some reason seven is considered a lucky number. maybe tonight we are all getting lucky! lets be honest, if you are watching this show, your luck just ran out. i dont know why seven is supposed to be lucky, maybe cause there's seven days in a week, seven musical notes, seven colors of the rainbow, seven wonders of the ancient world, seven deadly sins, seven seas, seven dwarves, and i have seven pet ferrets. anyway, i dont know why i'm giving so much thought in this number seven thing, i dont put any faith in that numerology crap, especially during an odd numbered month like now. people told me i'd believe in numerology if i saw a numerologist, but i'm not going. cause every time i go to someone with 'ologist' in their title, i end up bending over. and there is bad stuff too!'


+ 'its not such a great day for me', craig ferguson states, 'because i had to do something very unpleasant today, something i never look forward to: i had to arrive. no, much worse: i had to watch the cbs sexual harassment video. we all have to watch the sexual harassment video, even david carusoe has to watch it, he actually has to watch it twice, once with the sunglasses and once without. they herd us all into this room and watch this badly lit hour long program with terrible performances- i feel right at home! here's the kicker though, at the end when you watch the sexual harassment video they say 'now making jokes about the sexual harassment video is, in itself, a form of sexual harassment'. i'm like 'whaaa?!?' it was too much for me, so i protested cbs' ridiculousness the only way i knew how- i took off my pants! anyway, finally the lawyer said i was able to make fun of the video tape on the show. i dont think they think i have a show, they just think i'm the crazy janitor or something. now, i understand what they are trying to do with the sexual harassment seminar, but they treat us like we are idiots. i think most guys know when they are being kind of creepy to a woman at work. so if you are a guy and you are being creepy- knock it off! guys, dont gather around the water cooler talking about sex, unless its sex with a water cooler, and i dont want to hear about that... well, maybe i do! nothing turns me on like five gallon jugs!'


+ its tweets and email night! all the guests tonight will be helping out with answering the tweets and emails
+ 'according to a new study by security experts', craig ferguson begins, 'our email isnt as safe as we thought. now, how would they know this? because they are reading my email- those bastards! their next move is to try and steal all the money i'm getting from that nigerian prince! the study also says that 90 percent of all email is spam, you know, the spam about 'refinance your home', 'enlarge your penis', 'refinance your enlarged penis'... i've never understood why they call junk mail spam, cause spam is delicious and junk mail is just annoying. i read today that they call junk mail spam because it keeps popping up all over the place, like in the monty python sketch. i was disappointed, i always thought spam stood for 'sexy penis augmentation message'. and in a way, it does... i have to admit though, i'm hooked on the email. thats right young people, i'm just like you! thats right, i do the face chat and the farm tubes and everything. please except me into your 18-34 demographic and we will stick it to the man! you kids still have it in for the man, dont you? even though i send lots of emails, i still know how to communicate the old fashioned way: anonymous truck stop sex. you kids still do that, right?'
- stephen wright helps with the tweets
- ellie kemper helps with the tweets
- adam savage also helps with the tweets!


+ 'its the 4th of july weekend!', craig celebrates, 'its a great big weekend, a lot of people will be going to the movies, very big movies open this weekend. what better way to celebrate america's birthday than spending it with two hours with a big gangly machine that crushes men in its iron jaws. i am, of course, talking about the new julia roberts movie! theres a new julia roberts movie, its called larry crown, its julia roberts and tom hanks. i have no idea what its about but they probably hook up. you know the kids are going to be lining up for that one! young people will be going to see the new transformers movie. the transformers of course were originally a line of toys from the 80's, transformers, more than meets the eye! i was too old for that in the 80's, but i had my own transformer- tequilla, makes me do gay stuff! you know megan fox isnt in the new transformers movie. she was fired! it was very sad, they replaced her with ashton kutcher. thats not true, they replaced her with a lamp. thats a bit harsh, isnt it?'


+ 'its a great day for our magical neighbor to the north, the fabled land of canada', craig ferguson shares, 'the land famous for three delicious treats: bacon, maple syrup, and justin bieber. baby, please. today the canadians are getting a visit from the most famous newlyweds in the world, the royal couple are there: kloe kardashian and lamar odem. prince william is there with his lovely bride, kiki wigglesworth. the royal couple landed in canada with afternoon. i wonder if while they were on the plane if they joined the mile high club? or as they would call it the 1.6 kilometer high club. the royals were greeted at ottowa airport by thousands of hysterical canadians. and by hysterical i mean they all nodded politely and then apologized for nodding politely and then enjoyed a tasty treat. now if you know anything about me you know that ive always been anti royal. and by slightly, i mean vehemently! but i have to admit i've been won over by prince william and kiki. they seem nice, theyre young, theyre in love, they went against the tradition that usual goes on in the royal family: they married outside of the family gene pool.'
- henry winkler
# mike massimino astronaut


+ 'its a great day for those of you who like shakespeare and and those of you who like marajuana', craig ferguson states, 'which is just about all of you, isnt it? a noted anthropologist is saying that shakespeare smoked weed. you know, marajuana, sticky icky, or as it was known in his day 'yon tobaccy that be wacky'. now, i tried a little marajuana when i was young, but i didnt smoke much of it because i was concerned about the long term affects on my health. ha! and also i was too busy drinking and taking cocaine. this anthropologist makes a pretty good case. first he proved that canibus was grown in england during shakespeares time, they used it to make rope and parchment and hackie sacks... then the anthropologist discovered marajuana in a pipe burried in shakespeares garden! i'm like 'you just blew my fucking mind, man!' this is amazing to me, shakespeare had a garden?!? where did he find the time to work in a garden? he wrote 38 plays, 154 sonnets, i do this show once a day five days a week and i dont have time to trim my rosebushes!'
- mary-louise parker
-> dom irrera

neil gaiman on craig!

neil gaiman, best selling author, recently made his first visit to a late night talk show, and wisely he chose to make craig ferguson his first appearence! neil has written many amazing books and comic books, among them is his book 'american gods' which recently was republished for its 10 year anniversary. neil stopped by to talk about it a little, and talk about the episode of 'doctor who' that he wrote a lot!
neil also has a blog/journal of his own on his website and recently talked about his time on 'the late late show with craig ferguson'. he shares why he decided to go on this show instead of accepting the multiple invitations to be on letterman:
"Craig is one of us, whatever that means. People who like books and SF and make jokes about H. P. Lovecraft and plug Doctor Who..."
to read the rest of what neil wrote about his visit and to see a clip of his interview, check it out here!
neil also stops by chris hardwicke's nerdist podcast and talks about why he chose to appear on craig as his first late night appearance. its also really funny! check it out here.