9-17-12

+ 'a great day if you are any type of royal at all', craig ferguson states, 'prince was on the view this morning.  the musician prince, not the royal prince.  you can tell because he was fully clothed...  barbara walters had some hard hitting questions for prince, she was like 'pwince, do you still weow youw wasbewwy beway?'  anyway, not such a great day for prince william and his lovely bride kikki wigglesworth.  her proper name is, of course, kate middleton.  today an italian magazine published 26 pages of kate middleton naked.  today the door of buckingham palace no longer has the world's most famous royal knockers.  last week the french magazine published two pages of them.  now, i'm not must of a royalist, but i do feel sorry for william and kate.  they were on a private balcony doing what couples do, you know, rubbing oil on each other.  but they were doing it in a british way, you know, they were 'stirring each other's tea', they were 'buttering each other's crumpets', they were 'tasting each other's meat pie'.  insiders are saying that kate is so distracted that she cant focus on her job, which is...?  what a shame!  all i know is this: i am very concerned because usually when something very bad happens to the royal family, elton john writes a song about it.  thats what he does.'
+ a special announcement from former president bill clinton.
- julie chen
# warren sapp
= lianne la havas

9-14-12

+ 'its a big day if you like zombies', craig ferguson says, 'zombies are awesome.  if you like movies about zombies: resident evil retribution opens today!  yes!  i know you dont care, but i'm very excited about it, it stars my favorite actress milla jovovich.  beautiful as she is, i'm not sure that she is that good at killing zombies.  i mean, this is the 15th resident evil movie, how many zombies can there be left?  the movie is directed by milla's husband.  now this is the only time when its ok for an actress to make out with a director. i'm looking at you, kristen!  in these movies milla jovovich is fighting something called the umbrella company. i'm thinking 'wow, you've really given up on the evil mastermind thing when you just call it the umbrella company.  i'm not sure what makes them evil, maybe they open umbrellas indoors.  which is just foolish, really.'
- tom lennon
- brit marling

9-13-12

+ 'tonight is like new years day, the super bowl, and the world series all rolled in to one', craig ferguson announces, 'because tonight is the season premiere of glee!  hurray!  glee is a terrific show, its a lot of fun.  its all about the cheerleader outfits, the heals and the make-up.  and when i'm done getting ready i turn on the tv!  its an amazing show, its turned an entire cast of unknown actors into household names like... um...  well, its got jane lynch, right?  fans of glee are called 'gleeks'.  i wish we had a cool name for people who like this show, but there's not enough of them.  right now they are just called 'people who's cable isnt working'.  glee, of course, is about kids in high school who are in glee club.  you know, scrappy young folk with names like blaine, and racheal, and curt, and snookie, and spuds, and corky, and regis!  i cant really relate to a show like glee or any shows about high school because i wasnt really in high school long enough, i dropped out when i was 15.  and the scottish educational system of the 1970's frowned upon glee of any kind.  we didn't have a glee club, but we did have a glue club.  i was the president, we had our meetings out in the back with paper sacks and airplane glue...'
- katey sagal
- mike massimino

9-12-12

+ 'earlier tonight was the battle of the big music competition programs', craig ferguson shares, 'on nbc you had 'the voice' with that sexy lady.  whats her name? adam levine.  and then at the same time on fox you had the season premiere of simon cowell's 'x-factor'.  two very similar shows both on at the same time.  there hasnt been a match up like this since last month when the political conventions were on against 'honey boo boo'!  the voice wasn't originally supposed to be on tonight but last week nbc decided to move it opposite the x-factor.  they had a very good reason: to piss off simon cowell and apparently it worked!  simon cowell is very angry, he's as angry as clint eastwood is at an empty chair!  simon cowell said, and this is a direct quote, 'i thought there was a gentleman's agreement'. a gentleman's agreement?  in television?  he should know by now there are no gentlemen in television.  although i think one of those real housewives of beverly hills used to be a gentleman.  simon cowell is known for his competition shows, how could he be against real life competition? hmmm...'
- heather graham
- joel stein

9-11-12

+ 'its a big day if you like motorcycle gangs', craig ferguson informs, 'the biker show 'sons of anarchy' kicked off its fifth season tonight on cable.  its rated tv-ma which means nudity.  dont get too excited cause in basic cable 'ma' usually stands for 'man ass'.  sons of anarchy was on earlier tonight and i was torn on what to watch because it conflicts with my other favorite show which stars another surly grizzled hombe, i am of course referring to nancy grace.  she could kick your ass!  she wears a leather jacket on tv, thats pretty bad ass.  anyway, sons of anarchy is about a pack of hard nosed bikers who live outside the law- think lance armstrong but with less crime and drug deals.  the best known of all biker gangs is, of course, the hells angels.  they get a bad wrap sometimes, the hells angels, but being a member comes with perks: they get the leather jacket, the cool thing on it, the brotherhood of the road, they get ten percent off at bath and body works.  when i was growing up there were three guys that i looked up to that made motorcycles cool.  they were the quintisential american bike heroes.  steve mcqueen was one, now thats a movie star!  another bad ass: evil kenivel!  now there you have your redneck biker hero.  there's two tough guys, and the third is prince!  he's so tough he can make doves cry!'
- adam goldberg
- alison becker

9-10-12

+ 'if you like the daytime tv, then today is your lucky day', craig ferguson states, 'jeff probst, katie curic, and ricki lake all premiered new talk shows.  and we need them.  we need them!  to fill the void left by the queen of daytime tv who's voice we all still miss.  thats right, tony danza!  no, the oprah winfrey show has been off for a year now and everyone wants to fill that empty chair left by oprah.  everyone except for clint eastwood, he just wants to yell at that empty chair!  since oprah left everyone has been asking the same question: whose couch will tom cruise jump on?  you know, when he signs a contract for his next new 'wife'.  you know what i say? forget these other talk shows, bring back oprah!  and i have a feeling that in about, oh, six months oprah will be saying that too...'
- ben stein
- rhona mitra

sandra peterson (no relation)

'something weird just happened...' craig ferguson fearfully exclaims, 'geoff and i were mucking about before the show, right geoff?'
'yup, just muckin'.' geoff responds.
'yeah, just muckin about.  nothing strange going on.  just a guy and his gay robot pal.  and i threw a question at him and said 'i dont know, maybe we should ask the rhino' and watch what happens'
'i said 'hi, how are ya?' says the stuffed rhino head above the mantle!
'wow!  i know!  is your name sandra?' craig asks due to the sign under the rhino head that says 'sandra'.
'yeah, sandra peterson.' the rhino head responds.
'sandra peterson?!?' craig asks.
'yeah, no relation though.'
'where are you from?'
'i'm from the east coast, i did some traveling up and down there, and then you know, i came across country and answered geoff's ad and now here i am' sandra responds.
'you put an ad in for a rhino?' craig asks.
geoff answers 'i just said i was horny...'
'well thats good, you are very welcome here' craig tells.
'thank you, its just, you know, you and geoff have a good thing going and i didnt want to interupt the comedy team of abbot and costello, and peterson and ferguson.' sandra replies.
'wait wait, ferguson and peterson' craig corrects.
'i think she had it right the first time' geoff interupts.
'so let me get this straight' craig adds,  'i am now going to be heckled by a gay robot appliance and a wall hanging?  that pleases me...'

9-07-12

+ 'this week was the 40th anniversary of the price is right', craig ferguson shares, 'the big tv special was on tuesday and bob barker says he wasnt asked to be part of it.  i know! apparently the price is right said to its fans 'come on down!  except you bob barker, you stay right there!'  bob is having a war of words with the producers and you dont want to get in a war with barker, he's old school- he'll go plinko on your ass!'  his exact words were 'they chose to ignore me, they havent even offered me a dvd.'  thats true!  when i heard that i was shocked, i was like 'bob barker knows how to use a dvd player?'  i'm kidding, he's a broadcasting legend.  not inviting bob barker to a price is right tv special is like not inviting tom selleck to a mustache convention!
- kunal nayyar
- lauren miller

9-06-12

+ 'its a great day today if you like the music videos', craig ferguson informs, 'the vma's were earlier tonight.  now, vma stands for video music awards, yet people say 'vma awards'.  now, thats like saying 'video music awards awards'.  its like atm means 'automated teller machine', but people say they are looking for the atm machine which is like the automated teller machine machine!  sometimes i realize i'm just a mad old man saying stuff in the middle of the night.  its not jokes at all, its just 'argh!'  now, the vma's are downtown at the l.a. staple center.  its an arena, the staple center, it is not the back of joan rivers' neck.  you know, for years the vma's were at radio city music hall in new york city but now its in the staples center, cause what says 'rock and roll' like an office supply super store?'
- angela kinsey
- david simon
= the heavy

9-05-12

+ 'most channels had the democratic national convention tonight', criag ferguson states, 'i think this is an important election, i think everyone's responsibility is to stay informed.  so i did my part and i watched 'here comes honey boo boo' on tlc.  thank god for cable!  if you dont have cable, and clearly if you are watching me you dont, i'll explain the honey boo boo.  honey boo boo is an adorable little girl from the south who can sing and dance and act.  no wait, i'm thinking of justin timberlake.  anyway, the show 'here comes honey boo boo' is a show about this little girl's family from rural georgia.  now, they call themselves rednecks, but then so does jeff foxworthy.  compared to the honey boo boo's, jeff foxworthy is like downton abbey!  'i say, lady cybil, you might be a redneck if your fiance was previously your chauffeur.  anyway, the family call themselves rednecks like the jersey shore kids used to call themselves guidos.  and they should all call themselves what they are now, which is of course, rich!  but the jersey shore got cancelled, and now we've got honey boo boo.  one show dies and the other is born.  its the circle of reality show life.  hakuna ma boo boo!'
- jeremy irons
- monica potter
> gerry dee

beach tweet mail

craig ferguson rolled out another new tweet mail jingle on the late late show.  he always has different jingles to introduce the tweets and email section of his show, with each jingle done in some different style.  the latest song is done in the style of a 60's beach party!  it is filled with archive footage of different people surfing and playing on the beach, but with one major difference: everyone's head is replaced with craig's over sized head!   not one of his best, it lacks a really catchy tune, but its nice to see a new one thrown in to the rotation.

9-04-12

+ craig ferguson first takes a moment to remember one of his favorite guests michael clark duncan who passed away over the weekend.
+ 'its a great day if you love the conventions, and who doesnt?' craig asks, 'the democratic national convention is underway for three days in charlotte north carolina.  everything democrats do is good and everything republicans do is evil.  it doesnt bother me, i live in california, its like that every day!  i've been to charlotte, they have a great nascar track.  thats why the democrats picked it, they love everything that forces you to turn left.  michelle obama gave a great speech earlier tonight, nothing gets the crowd going like reminding them to eat more arugula!  later in the week, former democratic nominee john kerry is going to give a speech about foreign policy.  it will be like clint eastwood's speech except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience...  i want to go easy on clint eastwood though, i watched that thing.  i will admit it wasnt his best performance last week at the republican national convention, but he's given us decades of great films.  so democrats, if you are looking to mock mit romney by dragging an inanimate object out on to stage, why not use mit romney!'
+ the rather late programme with prince charles is back!  this time prince charles gives his son prince harry a good ribbing for his latest trip to las vegas.
- kathy griffin

8-31-12

+ 'it is of course the big labor day weekend', craig ferguson shares, 'the last weekend of the summer.  theres only one last day and then the summer is over.  i am going to do what every american should do this weekend: i am going to stay indoors and watch 'doctor who'!  yes, tomorrow night on bbc america is the season premier of doctor who.  now, a lot of americans dont give a rats ass about doctor who, and to those people i say: 'ok'.  but i grew up with it, doctor who is a british television show, its been on in britan for 50 years, its the british equivalent of larry king!  not all british tv is good like doctor who, a lot of it is crap like television the world over.  i saw a lot of british television lately because i was in scotland while they were finishing the new studio.  which, i wasnt gone long enough.  it looks finished in places, but back there its like an abandoned bomb shelter, its just an empty broom closet and bundles of drew carey's old back fat.  they've got to store it somewhere!  doctor who is getting popular in america now, it was the most downloaded show on itunes last year.  i was like 'what? people download stuff thats not pornography?'  doctor who was slow to catch on in america, but thats ok, some american things are slow to catch on in britan.  you know, bubble gum, optimism, oral hygiene.  these things have taken years!  if you've never seen doctor who, its about a doctor who travels through time helping people.  imagine doctor phil if he could travel through time and he actually helped people, and if he was a real fucking doctor!' 
- seth green
- sutton foster

8-30-12

+ 'its a great day for the republicans', craig ferguson informs, 'at their convention tonight, their surprise speaker tonight was clint eastwood.  i know!  that was a big surprise, i mean what could be more surprising than a grumpy old white man at the republican convention?'
- lisa kudrow
> marc maron

8-29-12

+ 'its a great day today if you are a republican', craig ferguson states, 'the republican national convention is in full swing down there in tampa.  speeches are being made, hats are being thrown in the air, everyone gets their own hippie to slap around!  tonight was the big night john mccain not only celebrated his birthday, happy birthday john mccain-76!  the biggest speech tonight was given by paul ryan, mit romney's choice for vice president.  for those of you who dont know, paul ryan is a congressman from wisconsin, and of course the eldest son of meg ryan.  paul ryan was only 29 when he was first elected to congress.  when i was 29 i got my penis stuck in a jacuzzi spicket!  i guess every man makes his own path to greatness...  picking a vice president can be risky.  i mean, you can think outside the box and pick someone who will excite people like sarah palin, or you can play it safe with a nice down home family man like john edwards.'
- jeffrey dean morgan
> nick griffin
- fiona gubelmann

8-28-12

+ 'its a scary day for america', craig ferguson states, 'cause there is a big gust of dangerous hot air that is bearing down on our shores.  thats right, its the first night of madonna's world tour tonight.  she started her tour in philadelphia, which is fitting because both came to prominence in 1776.  during the world tour, madonna has been very vocal about this russian band 'pussy riot'.  thats what they are called.  can we say that?  its because of the new set we can say it, if we were still on the old set we would have to say 'ooh la la riot'.  now, if you dont know this band, that is what they are called.  they are called pussy riot.  get with the times, grandpa.  they are an all female rock band, like coldplay.  this band is from russia and the three members are locked in a russian prison and madonna is up in arms over it.  anyway, here is why this band is in trouble:  they set up in a moscow cathedral to play a protest song about vladimer putin's ties to the church.  after 40 seconds the security guards kicked them out.  then putin's henchmen tracked down three of them and threw them in jail for two years with a charge of 'hooliganism'.  is that really a crime?!?  thats like being charged for 'tom foolery'!  'you are going to prison for shenanigans!'.'
- larry king
> michelle buteau

8-27-12

+ regis philbin welcomes craig to the new studio!
+ 'i don't know if i realized it until we got some lights on us just how sucky it was!' craig ferguson comments on the new studio, 'i tell you what i'm worried about as well, it looks a little more like a late night show, which means we look a little more like them, which means we have to be more like us.  i had to take a couple weeks off so that they could do all this.  whenever i go on vacation the world goes crazy!  you know, the stories that you wish would happen when you were working.  i take a couple weeks off so they can do this, and thats when prince harry runs around las vegas naked!  i'm like 'why?!?'  couldnt you wait a couple weeks, you royal bastard?!?  here's the recap:  prince harry ran around naked in vegas, madonna rain around naked in london.  i think america got the better end of the deal if you ask me!  but if prince harry gets in more trouble he may not be able to go back to hogwarts next year! what will hufflepuff do without their star seeker?  vegas already had carrot top, but now they've got carrot bottom!'
- kristen bell  talks with craig and goes on a tour of the new set.

hello, new studio!

it finally happened: craig ferguson got a new studio!  after years and years of complaining about being stuck in that old 'basement' of a studio, the late late show with craig ferguson finally moves to a bigger space.
the show starts off with a time lapse montage of the crew putting the new studio together- its looking good! 'its weird, isnt it?' craig ferguson asks,  'its kind of like the old studio and its kind of not like the old studio!  this is what i look like in the light!  its a great day for us, we've got this brand new studio, we've got double the amount of lesbians we normally have!  this is really strange, i feel like i'm on somebody else's show. like a proper television show!  this is like a brand spanking new set, and by spanking, i mean spanking- we have a spanking station behind the curtain, regis philbin helped me break it in...  anyway, we've improved everything that sucked about the old show except the host.  thats self deprecating humor right there, right geoff?  anyway, i'm very excited, i couldnt wait to come to work today.  that feeling will fade eventually.  yup, there it goes!'

goodbye, old studio!

craig is getting a bigger set!  as craig ferguson says goodbye to the studio he has been performing 'the late late show with craig ferguson' in for the past seven and a half years, he explained a bit about what is in store for the show:
'the new studio will be the same old crap, people have said 'oh, whats the set going to be like?' its going to be like this- the same set!  the same set!  i know what you are thinking, 'they dont do that in tv'.  thats right, they dont!  we are taking this set and adding a bit on to it.  i'm not kidding!  people have been saying to me 'i dont want the show to change!'  i'm like 'who are you?  everyone else does!'  frankly i dont know whats wrong with change, people in the audience during the commercial break are always saying 'spare change?  spare change?'  if you are a regular viewer of this show i'm sorry.  but you know i come out here every night, i stand in this spot, and i talk about whatever is on my mind.  i've done 1565 opening monologues with four jokes spread out over that time.  the new studio will have all the usual talk show stuff, you know, we will have the desk, the chairs, the podium, the audience pleasure dungeon, the glory holes, the glass unicorns, the sex swing, the ferrets, the monkeys, the handcuffs, the bedazzelers, the mimes, and fred willard!  you know, all the classic talk show stuff.  you know the one thing is that we will have a bigger audience.  it wont make much of a difference, it will just be more people not laughing.  the new studio will be super high tech, there will be these new fancy gadgets that are on all the tv shows now, they are called 'lights'.  and lesbian row will be much bigger.  i dont mean we are getting more seats, i just mean we are getting bigger lesbians!'
at the end of the show, craig gathered together everyone who works on the show for one last hurrah, ending the night with the promise 'we will see you when we come back everybody!  good night!'

8-08-12

+ 'it is a very emotional day for the staff of this show', craig ferguson admits, 'and by staff i mean me, and by emotional i mean 'meh'.  we have been at this studio, stage 58, cbs television city.  i've been here seven and a half years, tonight is our last night here, our last night.  dont get excited, we havent been cancelled!  we are finally moving to another studio, we are moving on up!  you know when you are about to leave something and you realize how much you are going to miss it?  well, that the opposite of what's going on here!  seven years of me complaining about what a dump this place is and finally somebody at cbs heard me.  and today they sent me a little note, it said 'looking forward to the next chapter in our relationship!'  it kind of bummed me though because the just wrote my name over katie curic's!  we are not moving far, the new studio is just down the hall.  its not ready yet, but its where they used to film the pat sajak show.  thats why its taking so long to get ready, they are trying to scrub out that sajak smell!  he smells like vowels...  i have a lot of fond memories though, there was the time the power went out, the time the roof leaked, and the other time the power went out again.  but now we are moving down the hall where it has the exact same electrical system and the exact same roof!  we will be living the dream!'
- chris hardwick stops by to help out with the tweets and emails
- carla gugino

8-07-12

+ 'today is gymnastics in the olympics', craig ferguson reminds, 'now, i have a confession to make.  i used to think that gymnastics wasnt a real sport, just an excuse to wear a leotard.  i have learned something, i do not need an excuse to wear a leotard!  people often ask me, they say 'craig, whats the difference between a leotard and a unitard?' they say.  i'm not really sure, i think the main difference is a leotard has exposed legs, like me if i ever win an oscar.  i'll be like angelina jolie.  the leotard was named after the man who invented it. he was a french trapeze artist, his name was jules ballhugger.  no, his name was jules leotard, that was his name.  he's probably the most famous guy to have clothes named after him.  right after bob spankz, steve jeggings, tom coat, and simon trousers.  anyway, when you watch the gymnasts on tv you always see them powdering up their hands to soak up the sweat.  i think they should use a big sham-wow!  you know, i spent the entire 1980's with my hands covered in white powder...  it was a result of my two favorite hobbies at the time:  cocaine, and punching mimes!'
* rachael ray who showed up a bit late, forcing craig to make himself a cup of noodles.
= the imagineers

8-06-12

+ 'its week two of the olympics', craig ferguson states, 'anyway, its the second week of the olympics and i've still got olympic fever- just look at my nipples!  today, of course, was the shot put.  the track and field event where the athletes spin around and then throw a 16 pound ball as far as possible.  or as i call it: foreplay!  did you know that wrestling started at the olympics as well?  the original olympics had lots of different types of wrestling.  youve got the greco roman, the freestyle, the jello, mud, and hot oil wresting.  i've been mistaken for a wrestler before.  i asked 'is it because i look strong?'  'no, because you are wearing a unitard and tights' and i said 'touche, officer!'  you know what i never understood about wrestling?  why dont they allow professional wrestling at the olympics?  they allow pro basketball and pro hockey players there.  they should have pro wrestlers.  the team from mexico could wear their masks, the swedish wrestlers could hit people with chairs from ikea, the french could hit his opponent with a baguette.  or perhaps just surrender.'
* stephen king
* dave barry
= rock bottom remainders

8-03-12

+ 'ill tell you why i'm excited', craig ferguson states, 'there's a big hollywood movie coming out today called total recall.  its a remake of the arnold schwarzenegger classic.  total recall is a movie that has two haunting questions: 1. what is reality? and b. will you pay to see a movie that kind of sucked the first time?  when i heard that they were remaking total recall i thought 'you cant do that, its a recent movie'.  then i realized its twenty two years old!  twenty two years? i'm old!  anyway, the new total recall and the old total recall are apparently totally different different.  you know, other than the title, thats the same.  and the premise and the tone and the characters and the script, but other than that...  instead of arnold, this one's got colin farrell.  i dont know if he's a good replacement because, well, he can act!  anyway, total recall is about a man who wakes up with no memory, which is perfect for colin farrell- he is irish, after all.  calin farrell's character is a spy and his wife is an assassin who is trying to kill him.  thats why they couldnt bring back arnold, he could never relate to a character who's wife wants to kill him!'
+ after reading a tweet on the show, craig decides that he now wants to be called 'johnny memphis'!
- edward norton
- malin akerman

8-02-12

+ 'something is going on this week thats just as important as the olympics', craig ferguson informs, 'maybe even more important.  shark week?  yes, that is going on, but no.  something even more terrifying than sharks.  this week is international clown week.  thats true!  not just domestic clown week- international clown week!  i cant believe i made it all the way to thursday without acknowledging clown week!  its a real thing!  it was signed in to law on this day in 1971 by the great president nixon.  one of the many great things he did for america.  am i right people who dont know a motherfucking thing about history!  anyway, i think clowns get a bad rap.  they are my second favorite thing about going to the circus.  my first favorite thing about going to the circus is not going to the circus!  some people think that clowns are descended from the medieval court jester, i dont i think they are just creepy jerks in make up.  some people think that clowns are scary.  and these people are called 'correct!'.  i dont know why clowns are a bit scary, i just know that they are scary.  i think its that clowns are really talking mimes!'
- rashida jones stops by to help out with tweets and emails
+ larry king's guide to london
- julie delpy

8-01-12

+ at the top of the show, craig ferguson often invites a guest from the audience to chat with him.  this time it was a british musician named david robinson.  unbeknownst to craig, david plays the harmonica!  after showing off his skills, he was awarded the coveted golden mouth organ!
+ 'its a big show business birthday today', craig ferguson shares, 'who is it?  mtv.  music television started on this day in 1981.  the first video they ever played was the song 'video killed the radio star'.  its a little on the nose if you ask me.  it would be like if bravo started with 24 hours of gay porn! a lot of people dont know this but the second video on mtv was by pat benatar.  i could actually remember seeing pat benatar on the screen.  you know, the high heels, tight sweaters, the gothy hooker make up.  i though 'bitch stole my look!'  did you, this is true, in the 1980's i was drunk.  the entire 1980's!  i actually auditioned to be an mtv vj in new york in the 80's.  thats true.  the producers said i wasnt right and i said drunkenly 'is that because i'm scottish?' 'what did you say?' 'is it becaoauidsfpao amsdfpmkasd!'  they said 'no no, its because you are not wearing anything but an olivia newton john headband and a shimmery vest!'  i said 'yeah, well, bitch stole my look again!'.'
- selma blair
- adam savage  adam also takes up the harmonica challenge and also received the golden mouth organ!

larry king's guide to london

larry king, frequent guest and friend of the late late show with craig ferguson, gives us a brief guide to london.  just in time for the olympics, king shares small bits of wisdom like this:
'i'm standing in front of buckingham palace', larry says, 'i thought they would let me in because my last name is king.  i thought wrong. oh, and an fyi: they have tazers over here too.'
'you know, in england the law states that a pregnant woman may relieve herself wherever she wishes.  i say, hey, why let them have all the fun!'

7-31-12

+ 'last night on the show i had olympic fever', craig ferguson admits, 'now unfortunately its getting worse, and thats not good.  apparently i have to call my doctor if the torch keeps burning for more than four hours.  today's events at the olympics are equestrian events, sailing, and table tennis.  in other words, its a big day for white people today!  equestrian and sailing, now these are sports for people who grew up on the mean streets of connecticut.  'oh, i'm sorry mummy, i cant go to the ragatta, my head sail got caught in the jib mast. and then something happened on the boat...'  sailing sounds cool, at least it sounds better than yachting, which just sounds like something mit romney would do at his indoor lake.  i've been sailing before and i liked it, but i wouldnt want to watch it in tv.  its like sex, you know, half the fun is feeling the wind blowing through your hair, the sun beating down on your head, and the spray washing all over your body.  thats what happens when you go sailing!  everything went smoothly for the sailing events today except for the british team which unfortunately forgot limes and got skervy.  anyway, what else did they do today at the olympics?  there was table tennis, which is just a fancy way of saying ping pong.  can olympic air hockey be far behind?'
- rosie perez

7-30-12

+ 'over in london the olympics are well underway now!' craig ferguson shares, 'records are being broken, theres a lot of grunting, people are holding their breathe, then i step out of the bathroom and go watch the olympics!  i have to tell you, after a long weekend, i woke up this morning and i have got olympic fever!  i cant tell you how long it will last, but i will tell you that i was never able to cure my world cup herpes.  anyway, the olympics are kicked off with a bang.  millions of people are watching the most celebrated athlete in the world.  the guy everyone wants to see in action, men want to be him, women want to be with him.  thats right, i'm talking about u.s. archer brady ellison!  maybe not.  i'm really talking about swimming of course, the olympic swimming is kind of like the presidential election: every four years we pretend to give a crap.'
+ larry king's guide to london
- emma roberts
> paula poundstone

7-27-12

+ 'over in london the olympic torch is burning 24 hours a day, just like my genitals', craig ferguson jokes, 'dont worry, i'll press on...  did you see the opening ceremony tonight?  wasnt it fabulous?  i liked it when, um, something.  i dont know.  the opening ceremony kicks off the olympics with flair and it sets up the audience with expectations of a terriffic time.  its like what we do here, except the opposite.  i see its working this evening very well, too.  like everything else in britan, the opening ceremony tonight was judged by simon cowell.  'those fireworks were rubbish!  that torch isnt nearly as flaming as seacrest!'  anyway, here's what i think, the opening ceremonies are supposed to show the best of britain, right?  why didnt they just show an episode of downton abbey?  i'll be honest, i didnt watch the opening ceremony tonight cause i tivo'ed them.  dont tell me what happened, i'll get around to watching them... never.  well, my tivo is backlogged with episodes of house hunters international.'
- vince vaughn

7-26-12

+ vince vaughn stops by to watch craig do the pre monologue segment.
+ 'it is a big day on my calender, i know the audience members are all very excited about this as well', craig ferguson shares, 'it is the birthday, or course, of carl jung, the swiss psychoanalyst!  i celebrated jung's birthday today by integrating my conscious with my unconscious while still maintaining their respective autonomies.  how about you?  i know what you are thinking, you are thinking 'oh here we go again, another late night host with a crowd pleasing monologue about the the founding of psychology!'  carl jung is a legend in the world of psychology, his famous theories include the collective unconscious, the process of individuation, and his most famous: beer before liquor never sicker!  personally, i think therapy is fantastic. it combines two of my favorite things: talking about myself and lying down!'.
- emile hirsch
- ariel tweto

7-25-12

+ 'scientists in chile, this is true', criag ferguson states, 'have designed a molecule that wipes out cavities.  it destroys bacteria that causes cavities.  scientists are saying that they can put this molecule in toothpaste or even in food and then you will never lose a tooth unless you play hockey or crystal meth.  anyway, scientists have been working on this molecule for seven years and they've just started testing it on humans.  i love when scientists start testing things on humans, you think 'well what could possibly go wrong?'  well, i tell you what could go wrong: it could give rise to people with super human sized teeth, like julia roberts!  the new molecule could be on the market in the next couple years.  there are other ways to fight cavities, like eating healthy.  ha ha ha!  yeah right!  you know who needs those molecules?   britain!  they are not used to seeing healthy teeth.  i went back recently, this is true, and people thought i had plastic surgery done on my teeth!  people were like 'oh, look at you with your fancy capped teeth!'  they arent capped teeth, they are just brushed!  'oh, brushing your teeth, ya hollywood bastard?'  here in america people spend thousands and thousands of dollars to keep their teeth straight.  but i like to think that someday we will live in a world where we will accept gay teeth...'
- matthew mcconaughey
+ michael showalter reads from his new book mr. funny pants.

craig on who

the latest issue of entertainment weekly has a cover story about 'the cult of doctor who', which craig ferguson happens to be a big fan of.  in fact, matt smith, the current doctor who, had his first american television interview on the late late show with craig ferguson!  the article is about how doctor who has changed over the past few years from a small british tv show into a smash that continues to win over many american viewers.  in the article they talk with craig about his obvious love of the doctor:
'craig ferguson insists his who references on the late late show reflect less a desire to publicize the icon from the old country than an attempt to keep his own show fresh.  "i have to do a show that's interesting to me, because you'd lose your mind otherwise," says the scot, whose who viewing dates back to the late 60's.  "my show is about whatever the fuck i want to do.  if i want to dance around singing doctor who tunes, i'm going to do it!"'.
check out more about one of craig's favorite shows, and the rest of entertainment weekly's coverage, over at their website!

7-24-12

+ 'everyone is making sure they go home early', craig ferguson shares, 'because tonight is a very important night, nobody wanted to miss this, in the world of television: tonight was the finale of hgtv's design star!  have you seen the show?  its great!  interior designers fight to the death like gladiators.  its either to the death, or until they design a fabulous breakfast nook.  their motto is 'guts, glory, and glam!'  which is also the name of my testicles...  like anything else, interior design is subjective.  what you like i may hate, what i like you may hate.  the only difference is you would be wrong!  i decorated a room in my apartment from scratch, its amazing what you can do with imagination.  and 32 life size justin bieber posters!  anyway, the competition on design star can get pretty intense, every week they kick somebody out, but i guess they do that on all reality shows.  jeff probst on survivor says 'the tribe has spoken'.  i dont know what they say on design star, its probably something like 'get the feng shui out of here!'.'
- minnie driver
- colin mochrie

7-23-12

+ 'it is a great day for our friend over in britan.  they are called 'the british'. craig ferguson states, 'they won the tour de france!  the tour de france was won by bradley wiggins.  he is the first english man to triumph in france since henry the fifth opened a can of whoop ass and agincourt.  you are welcome five people...  in london today thousands of people drank and rioted, and then they heard about the tour de france!  i'd like to learn more about bicycling, i guess you'd say i'm 'bi-curious'.  come on, thats a great joke!  anyway, i am interested in any exercise that involves a lot of sitting down.  although, the real reason i dont do a lot of cycling is because it makes my junk numb.  however, i do know that when biking, your first task is safety.  you shouldnt take any chances, that why i wear a helmet up top and downstairs!  a lot of these professional bikers have a lot of problems with chaffing, you know, down below.  they use something called 'butt butter'.  thats what they call it.  butt butter, it prevents irritation down there, but man, does it taste awful on toast!'
- george hamilton
- julie gonzalo

7-20-12

+ 'hi everybody, good evening.' craig ferguson addresses from his desk.  'obviously the events of today would make it very difficult to broadcast a show tonight which began with the phrase 'its a great day for america'.  i dont know if you know this, our late night show, and in fact all late night shows are prerecorded. as chance would have it, the show you are about to see, tonights show, was recorded last night, before the terrible events in colorado.  and the monologue in that show was kind of about batman and the movie.  i felt that it was inappropriate to show that monologue tonight.  the rest of the show was fine and it was just our show, and i didnt want to pull the whole show off the air because i thought that would be unfair to our guests, and i didnt want to make a whole show about the events of colorado.  i'm sure there's been a lot of media coverage and there will be a lot more and i didnt want to add my rage and despair to everyone elses.  my job, i think here, is to give you a laugh or something interesting at the end of the day, maybe something to entertain you and is a bit silly.  there are times when that is very difficult to do.  i'm not going to try to make sense of it, i'm not going to try to blame anyone for what happened there.  how do you make sense of anything like that?  the difficulty in the job that i have sometimes if you have a show everyday, is to be topical but at the same time i try for the most part to ignore stories which are grizzly.  its not really my job, its being covered everywhere else.  but here tonight i cant ignore this one, but neither can i talk about it in front of an audience and the skeleton robot and all that.  that doesnt make sense either.  tonights show is what we try to do here, its a bit of fun, something easy before you go to sleep.  if you are watching in aurora, if you are in any way connected to this awful business: i'm sorry.  i'm sorry that that happened.  its just awful.  my thoughts and simpathies to al the people who were there.  i just remember that we are all diminished by this.'
- jason biggs
+ celebrity book readings.  jeff garlin reads from his book 'curbing it'.
- jordana brewster
> brian scolaro

7-19-12

+ 'not a great day for a friend of this show, a great comedian and actor, fred willard', craig ferguson regrets to inform, 'he was arrested last night.  72 years old, fred is.  he was arrested last night in a porno theater with his trousers down.  i'm not the only creepy old man out there now!  i was shocked when i heard this, i was like 'there are still porn theaters?!? thats adorable!'  i wonder if they show retro porn, you know, like with extra hair!  well, is sounds like the dark knight isnt the only thing rising in the theaters, if you know what i mean...  i have to say, i am a huge fan of fred willard, i like fred personally as a man, and i think at 72 years old he is still watching porn and making the effort to get in his car and drive to the theater...  he was arrested in an adult theater giving himself an act of self massage perhaps.  and i'm like isnt that what you are supposed to do in an adult theater?  like, is there anyone from downton abbey going 'what are you doing?  i came here for the enjoyable popcorn and the gene se qua of the atmosphere.'  its a porn theater!  whats next? he'll get arrested for eating in a restaurant?  dont worry fred, i recently got busted for doing the same thing at a recent showing of magic mike.  we love you fred, no judgement here.  a little bit of mirth, some rib tickling, but no judgement here.'
- kenneth branagh
> ted alexandro

7-18-12

+ 'its a great day for america if you like mashed potatoes', craig ferguson informs, 'well, who doesnt like mashed potatoes?  no one.  even al quida loves potatoes, they are like 'death to america, except idaho!  your tasty spuds melt my cold disdain for your western decadence!'  today a seven-11 store in singapore introduced a new food dispenser, an instant mashed potato dispenser.  i'm very excited about this!  i've been waiting for this my whole life!  you see, when i was a kid grown up in scotland, there were very popular commercials for an instant mashed potato product called smash.  its true, it was a powder that you added water to and you got mashed potatoes.  i thought it was the future!  the commercial was creepy robots who mocked humans for all the work they did to make mashed potatoes instead of just adding water.  and we have the actual commercial!  [craig then shows this commercial].  for mash get smash!  thats when jingles were jingles!  we've got our mashed potato machine now, so take that robots that used to scare the crap out of me!'
- ray romano
= trampled by turtles

7-17-12

+ 'its not such a great day over in england', craig ferguson explains, 'they are going nuts over in london!  or as they say over in england 'things are higledy bigledy over here!  everyone is going bonkers!'  londoners are finding out that its not so easy to prepare for the olympics, the city is gridlocked.  i used to live in london and the city is always gridlocked.  eight million people live in london, and they are expecting four more for the olympics.  four more million, not just four more people!  four people are coming to the olympics?  'oh, blimey!  its a disaster! only four people showed up!'  twelve million people are expected in london.  to give you an idea of how many people that is, take the number of people who watch this show and add 12 million!  the games havent even started yet and the traffic is terrible.  people say they havent seen this many rearenders since elton john's last party.'
- cedric the entertainer
- ari graynor

7-16-12

+ 'its a great day for the people of manhatten', criag ferguson states, 'manahatten today has been named new york's sexiest borough.  named by who?!?  anyway, theres two reasons: a. of all the bouroughs, manhatten has the hightest percentage of people who have downloaded '50 shades of grey'.  everybody's crazy about this book right now, its a very popular work of erotica.  its very important that you call it erotica, if women like it its called erotica, if men like it its called porn.  women like to read their porn, men like to see it.  the only time porn and erotica can be the same thing at the same time is when a man gets caught watching porn- no! its erotica!  the 50 shades of grey book is very racey, its about what the folks call bdsm.  it stands for bondage, discipline, scrotum and meatballs, i think.  you know, all that bondage stuff with the whips and the chains and the spankings, the purple nerpals, the reverse teletubies...  he fifty shades books are written by a british woman named e.l. james and right now she makes over a million dollars a week on these books.  so her safe word is 'ka-ching'!  she used to work as a tv executive, so she has a lot of experience in humiliating other people!'
- julie chen
- chris messina

6-29-12

+ 'its friday! a bunch of movies coming out this weekend', craig ferguson shares, 'the movie ted, its about the teddy bear that learned how to cuss, also magic mike, about a bunch of male strippers.  i dont need to see that, i lived that!  i danced under the name floaty powers.  i remember a bear named ted that enjoyed my work, actually.  also tyler perry's madea's witness protection opens and we have tyler perry on the show tonight!  tyler perry plays three roles in the movie, which is impressive and also economically very clever.  a lot of people say 'that tyler perry, he's a bit of a business man', you bet he is!  'lets see, who's in this movie?  me, i could do that too!  and i could give myself a salery for that one too!'  i think its impressive, most nights i can barely muster the energy to play with myself here.  ooh!  i mean play myself!'
- tyler perry

6-28-12

+ 'its a great day for president obama', craig ferguson states, 'his health care was upheld by the supreme court.  the president apparently had three speeches prepared this morning:  one if the law was overturned, one if it was upheld, and one if joe biden chewed up the other two.  the president is very cocky now, he released a statement today saying 'you know who this health care doesnt affect?  osama bin laden!'  and then he added 'yeah, i was born in kenya, so what?'.  the media went nuts this morning, all the different media outlets of course have their own point of view: msnbc went 'yeah!', at fox news all the conservatives were like 'grrrr', and bravo was like 'one more day till magic mike opens!'  you know that some people watching cnn were so shocked that they started rioting!  just kidding, no one watches cnn.  you know, one thing is for sure, now that health care is assured, i'm going to be frying everything i eat!  thats me, fried food and cigarettes!  i'm going to deep fry cigarettes and get all the goodness!'
- denis leary
= brandi carlile

6-27-12

uh oh!  looks like the lights are out again!
'i know what you are thinking: 'oh craig, it looks like an episode of twilight on your show tonight!' the lighting is sort of working but not working at the show tonight', craig ferguson explains, 'some electricity is getting in and other electricity is not getting in.  what happened was that there was we have got the power but it fused in our can. whatever that is.  i'm not kidding, there's like a dozen electricians working backstage.  we should bring out the electricians.  come on out!  rest assured that these gentlemen will do their best to fix our can and we will continue to do the show the best we can.  also, this answers another question: is cbs unionized?'
- lisa kudrow
# harvey weinstein

goeff's snake mug

craig ferguson has one of the coolest mugs on tv!  he always has his trusty coiled mug on his desk during 'the late late show', sipping from it when ever he is thirsty, or whenever a guest is particularly bad...  well, have you noticed that geoff has his own snake mug as well?

i ordered myself one of craig's mugs, and now i've got geoff's mug as well!  i ordered it from houseoftasso.com, which is about the only place you can find these things online!  they did such a great job with the coiled mug, that i knew they would deliver for the geoff snake mug as well.  sure enough, it arrived safe and in one piece- thanks guys!

when i got it i found a bit of a surprise- you cant really tell from seeing it on the show, but there is a little ceramic snake head poking up from inside the mug!  i'm sure it would be pretty funny if you are drinking coffee from it and as you drink there is a creepy snake head that reveals itself the more you drink!  i may have to try that, actually...

6-26-12

+ 'its a great day if you are a spice girl fan', craig feruson shares, 'and who isnt?  everybody loves the spice girls!  who were the spice girls again?  there was posh, sporty, sleepy, dopey, grumpy, regis, and tito.  anyway, the spice girls were a huge band, they were like that band 'one direction', but not quite as girly...  oh, i feel the wrath of teenage girls already!  calm down, girls, its a joke!  cause i know teenage girls never miss this show...  anyway, the spice girls are reunited today to announce a new stage play based on their music.  its going to be like 'mamma mia' except crap!'
- william shatner
- breckin meyer

6-25-12

+ 'it turns out that the golden state, california, is sinking faster than ever before', craig ferguson informs, 'scientists say that sea levels here will rise six inches by 2020.  six inches!  it gets worse though, scientists say that over the next 100 years the coast of california will sink almost five feet.  five feet!  that actually doesnt really matter unless you are tom cruise or ryan seacrest, who cares?  its going to be tough for them in their little cars!  now, i'm going to go out on a limb here and say that climate change is a serious problem.  we are all going to have to do what we can, unless that means i have to change stuff, then i'm not doing it!  i am not giving up my coal powered hot tub or my steam car or my hair spray.  seriously, if we dont act now the freeways here in l.a. will be under water and we will all be riding italian gondolas to work- which would be faster than driving on the freeways here anyway!'
- elijah wood
- kathleen rose perkins

guess what her majesty is thinking

every once in a while craig ferguson adds another option for the guests to select as their interview time draws to a close.  after recently receiving a collectible plate of the queen's jubilee from carrie fischer, craig has decided to add an option taking advantage of this item.  its called 'guess what her majesty is thinking'.  craig explains it like this: 'we have imagined a scenario where her majesty the queen has been falsely imprisoned, you must guess her thoughts'.  craig then holds the plate (which has been encased in a black box with two jail bars over the front of it) in front of his face and, with a high voice, impersonates the queen!  man, this stuff just gets weirder and weirder, huh?

6-22-12

+ jeff daniels starts the show with a song!  'last night jeff daniels was here but we ran out of time and he couldnt do his song, so we invited him back to start tonight's show with a song.  are you ready jeff?  i really hope its good...' craig ferguson says.
to introduce his song, jeff daniels says 'neil sedaka wrote a song called 'breaking up is hard to do'.  i wrote a breaking up song called 'baby take your tongue out of my mouth, i'm kissing you goodbye'.  and, boy was it a silly one!
+ 'you know, theres a really good movie coming out that i'm excited about', craig ferguson states, 'now, usually when i come out here and i say there is a great movie coming out i am lying, or high on mescaline.  one of these things may be true tonight, but there really is a great movie coming out, its called 'brave' by pixar, which means its good. which is strange because i'm in it!  the main character is a feisty scottish princess who cant play by the rules. remind you of anyone? she's a great heroine, she's much tougher than most cartoon princesses. because, lets be honest, snow white was defeated by a piece of fruit! the character i play is lord macintosh. a couple years ago i did the voice in 'how to train your dragon' and i'm doing the sequel next. now, the dragon movies are from dreamworks, so i've worked with dreamworks and disney pixar. they are the rivals of dreamworks. its like an east coast and west coast thing- i could end up getting shot by goofy or something! 'ghyuck! west side, bitch!'.'
- mark wahlberg
* sloane crosley

6-21-12

+ 'new york city is crazy right now, there are apparently bees going crazy right now', craig ferguson informs, 'i dont know whats going on with bees, last year everyone was like 'all the bees are gone!  there's no bees left!  oh no, the bees!'  now they are all swarming?  they are like the kardashians- they are everywhere!  its dangerous to have a plague of bees in this hot weather, its difficult to warn people.  cause you go 'swarm!' and they say 'i know its warm, whats your point, mister?'  'swarm! swarm!'  anyway, the bee infestation thing is scary, new yorkers are tense, they are on edge and ready to snap at any second.  and then they found out about the bees!  now, if you are ever attacked by bees always remember: stop, drop, and roll.  thats what you do: stop, drop, and roll.  the bees will still sting you, but it looks really funny when you are rolling around down there.'
- jeff daniels
* john irving