+ 'scientists in chile, this is true', criag ferguson states, 'have designed a molecule that wipes out cavities. it destroys bacteria that causes cavities. scientists are saying that they can put this molecule in toothpaste or even in food and then you will never lose a tooth unless you play hockey or crystal meth. anyway, scientists have been working on this molecule for seven years and they've just started testing it on humans. i love when scientists start testing things on humans, you think 'well what could possibly go wrong?' well, i tell you what could go wrong: it could give rise to people with super human sized teeth, like julia roberts! the new molecule could be on the market in the next couple years. there are other ways to fight cavities, like eating healthy. ha ha ha! yeah right! you know who needs those molecules? britain! they are not used to seeing healthy teeth. i went back recently, this is true, and people thought i had plastic surgery done on my teeth! people were like 'oh, look at you with your fancy capped teeth!' they arent capped teeth, they are just brushed! 'oh, brushing your teeth, ya hollywood bastard?' here in america people spend thousands and thousands of dollars to keep their teeth straight. but i like to think that someday we will live in a world where we will accept gay teeth...'
- matthew mcconaughey
+ michael showalter reads from his new book mr. funny pants.