criag ferguson stops by the 'today show' to talk with hoda and kathie lee about his recent time in paris. they show a few clips of craig and kristen bell walking the streets and visiting a shoe store. craig talks with the ladies about shoes and sexuality, underwear, the drew carey show, his new baby, and how he met his wife. also, he talks about a possible game show thats in the works! criag is brimming over with his usual funny self! check out the video here!
craig on 'today'
criag ferguson stops by the 'today show' to talk with hoda and kathie lee about his recent time in paris. they show a few clips of craig and kristen bell walking the streets and visiting a shoe store. craig talks with the ladies about shoes and sexuality, underwear, the drew carey show, his new baby, and how he met his wife. also, he talks about a possible game show thats in the works! criag is brimming over with his usual funny self! check out the video here!
7-28-11
+ 'tonight is a great day for me', craig ferguson shares, 'because it is the season premier of project runway! i love that show! the poster for the latest season has heidi klum naked with a scissors. you should never use a scissors while you are in the nude, thats very dangerous. i actually had a horrible accident once from doing that. i wont go into the details, but lets just say, i cut off my penis. thankfully it grew back because i am a starfish... that happens if a starfish cuts off his penis on accident, which is pretty difficult because its very difficult to use a scissors if you are a starfish! 'if only i could cut this fabric i could go the the ball, instead i will just sit here on this rock'. listen, i probably shouldnt admit this, but i only watch three shows: project runway, mythbusters, and a hidden camera i have set up in a friends bedroom. thats right bob saget, i see what you did there! i tivo it as well. its rated m for 'mmm!'. i watched the first 8 seasons of project runway, so i kind of feel like everyone on that show is a member of my family- because they are all bitchy and never call me! i mean that in a loving way, of course...'
7-27-11
+ 'its a big night, of course, for american soccer', craig ferguson states, 'what's that? its like regular soccer, but nobody watches... earlier tonight the mls all stars took on manchester united. now we are live of course, so congratulations...winners! no, congratulations winners and the dude who got kicked in the balls- you know its going to happen, its the only reason you watch! manchester united probably won, lets be honest, because its soccer and its manchester united. manchester united are like the yankees of soccer, only different in that only half of manchester united have slept with madonna. soccer has actually become quite popular here in america. a couple of weeks ago the womens soccer world cup finals set rating records a-fire. unfortunately at the time we lost to japan, our women played well but couldnt finish because they got too excited in the box... i've had that problem myself... do you know that more american kids play soccer than any other sport combined? now, that is not true, but wouldnt it be interesting... then we might actually be able to win! i'm glad major league soccer is catching on, i'm not so sure about the team names though, i've got to be honest. kansas city wiz? dallas burn? those are real names! wiz and burn? those are also names for chlmydia!'
7-26-11
+ 'its a great day for the human race, i have to say', craig ferguson shares, 'or is it? according to these learned men, who for the purpose of this show, we will call 'scientists'. human DNA has revealed that we are a lot closer to neanderthal than we thought. humans and neanderthals didnt just coexist, apparently they used to... um, knock stones. 'paint each other's caves', if you know what i'm sayin', 'spear the mammoth', if the cave was a rockin, dont come a knockin! a recent headline reads 'humans had sex with neanderthals, says DNA'. who said science cant be fun? science never use the term 'caveman', they use neanderthal because primitive man did not always live in caves, they lived in other places too. we wasted a lot of time looking for them in caves when all along they lived in million dollar compounds in pakistan! anyway, scientists now have evidence that humans and neanderthals mated. personally i'm not surprised we have caveman DNA, i can certainly see my caveman roots. i'm very rugged and outdoorsy, some days i will walk out of the house without putting on any moisturizer!'
7-25-11
+ 'its not such a great day in washington d.c.', craig ferguson states, 'everybody's terrified about this debt ceiling, cause if we dont raise it it could cause financial chaos, which would be horrifying! a lot of people dont understand what the debt ceiling situation is. i'm going to try and explain the debt ceiling in terms that we can all understand: its this ceiling for our debt. i hope that helped. its actually very simple, the government spends more money every year and every time the congress votes for a bigger budget they are required to have a separate vote to raise the debt ceiling to pay for that budget. now, when the president and the congress are members of the same party, raising the debt ceiling: not a big deal. its like asking your buddy 'can i borrow twenty bucks for lunch?' but if they are on opposite parties, its like asking your wife for money to go to the strip club! see? now, weirdly enough, the last time this happened was during the clinton administration! 'i swear hillary, each lap dance costs three billion!' you know what really worries people who know stuff about stuff? we owe a record amount of money to china. and the chinese are starting to drop little hints that they might want it back! they have! last night i got chinese and the fortune cookie said 'where's our money, bitch!'.'
7-22-11
+ 'do you know what i'm very excited about?' craig ferguson asks, 'the new movie thats opening today: captain america! when i heard they were making a movie about an american hero who looks great in red, white, and blue, i said 'about damn time- i love richard simmons!' anyway, its not richard simmons, its about captain america. he's a superhero, and i'm like 'finally! this summer a movie about superheroes!' no, i said a couple weeks ago that i was sick of superhero movies. i was at the time, but now i'm hungry for more. that happens sometimes, like last year i said i was sick of the platinum blonde look, and then the other day i figured what the hell and got it done again... down stairs i'm billy idol! too much? anyway, captain america is about a wimpy guy who gets transformed, he's injected by an experimental serum, and then enhanced by chemicals to become awesome! the moral of the story, kids, is that drugs work! my body was also transformed by chemical experimentation... this is how it worked out.'- john goodman wins the golden mouth organ!
- jayma mays though not particularly skilled, craig was smitten by her and gives her a golden mouth organ as well!
7-21-11
+ 'today the big news, of course, is that in san diego its the first day of comic con!' craig ferguson states, 'its the biggest science fiction and comic book convention in the world. anyway, i cant believe that comic con is going on and i'm stuck here. geoff went last year and nobody recognized him, they thought he was keira knightley. for some reason comic con attracts a lot of fat dudes in underpants- and i cant believe i'm stuck here! i'm not sure i would fair well at comic con, i'm not sure if an old fellow like me would fit in with the young folks, or i'd fit into my wonder woman outfit either. people wear crazy outfits there, its like ren faire but with acne! its not just guys, women like this stuff too, or at least they say they do. i think its just an excuse to dress up like sexy princess leia. so what you should do is get yourself to comic con if you want to see fat guys in underpants trying to pick up princess leia. you'll hear a lot of 'hey baby, you want to take out my lightsaber? not my penis, i mean my actual lightsaber!' comic con is going on for the next four days, geeks from across america are descending on san diego like herds of bespecticled wildebeests. if you need your computer fixed this weekend, you are screwed.'= amos lee
7-20-11
+ 'its a great day for science', craig ferguson shares, 'its a great day and a sad day. in just a few hours the space shuttle atlantis is scheduled to touch down in florida, the last shuttle landing ever. first harry potter, and now the space shuttle, all the things that i grew up with, all the touchstones of my youth are coming to an end. see young people, i'm just like you! except i'm older and creepier. i'm going to watch the final shuttle landing live on nbc. its sad watching an icon that defined the 80's come to an end, and i'll miss the shuttle too! a ha! i read that the crew of atlantis brought an iphone into space and they use it to track their experiments. i think 'track their experiments' is code for 'playing angry birds'. the commander of the atlantis is named chris ferguson, i think its heartening to see someone named ferguson make smart career choices. you know, some people are born to be astronauts, they look at the moon and say 'some day i'm going to go there', and other people like me look at the moon and say 'someday i'm going to meet a sexy werewolf'.'
7-18-11
+ 'its a great day for us here in los angeles', craig ferguson shares, 'we have in fact survived 'carmageddon'. yes, the giant freeway closure. we made it through. what a load of crap! for three months the local news here has been drilling it into our heads saying the same word over and over and over again. there were updates on a freeway closure! every hour on the hour 'still closed. still closed. still closed. freeway's still not open!' now, if you dont live here in l.a., first of all, congratulations. but if you dont live here you might not have heard about the 'carmageddon' bruhaha. the local 405 freeway here was closed for the weekend to 'get some work done', just like everyone else in l.a. it was to add an extra traffic lane for jay leno's cars or something. anyway, the 405 freeway is the main highway here in southern california. if freeways were kardashians, then the 405 would be kim. you know, its more popular than the other ones, a little more glamorous, has room for a carpool lane... apparently they are going to close the freeway again next year for even more construction. cause if theres one thing hollywood loves, its making a sequel to something that sucked the first time! they are going to have to give it a better title so people will get excited about it! may i suggest 'carmageddon and the deathly hallows part 2'!'
photos of craig in france
recently craig ferguson shared that he was going to take his show, the late late show with craig ferguson, to paris france! this will be the first time the show has ever left the confines of its studio in california! the magazine entertainment weekly caught up with craig and shared a few pictures of some of the wacky goings-on in paris! here's what it said in a recent issue:For a week beginning Aug. 1, CBS' chatfest will air episodes filmed in Paris- non of which feature the standard talk-show setup. "It was kind of our own version of The Amazing Race," says producer Michael Naidus. "We didn't tape anything in a studio. We were in something like 35 locations in four days." Host Craig Ferguson donned his Michael Caine getup, while his robot sidekick Geoff took in the sights. "Only tourists wear berets in Paris," explains Naidus, "so we put them on."
look forward to seeing the craig and geoff peterson in paris episodes airing at the beginning of august!
7-15-11
+ 'it is a big day for us today', craig ferguson admits, 'its a big day for the wizards and the house elves, the muggles, the ravenclaws, and the rufflepinks, because the movie they have all been waiting for is finally here: winnie the pooh! fun for the whole family, go see it! ah, i talked about pooh yesterday, actually i talk about poo every day! no, the other movie thats out today: harry potter! hurray! i love harry potter, the crowds are huge. its so tough to get tickets. how tough is it to get tickets? its so tough that rupert murdoch had to hack into the movie phone! now this movie is all about harry confronting his arch rival voldimort, a hideous villain with pale skin and awful teeth, which in brittan could be just about anybody... anyway, i just got into the harry potter recently because i've begun reading the books. you know, not for myself, but i've been reading them to my son. i like the books, they are great, actually. but some of the movies, i have to be honest with you, and i know this will be controversial, i'm like 'really?' i just watched the fourth one, the goblet of fire, after reading the book. the book is sensational then i watched the movie and i went 'really?' it made me pretty angry, the book is great. the movie doesnt even have winky the female house elf in it. how the hell can that happen? winky is my favorite character and they cut her out of the movie- you bastards! and let me tell you something, this new movie better have winky in it, in fact, every movie should have winky in it! from this moment on, i will only see movies that have winky in it!'
7-14-11
+ 'everybody is going to the movies this weekend', craig ferguson admits, 'thats whats going on. a lot of people are going to see that little out house movie, 'harry potter and the legend of curly's gold', i'm not. i'm going to a different movie. i'm going to a positive uplifting film that has a message for the whole family. and by positive message for the whole family, i mean one where i see my name on the screen and i say to my family 'in your face, bitches! especially you, six month old baby!' anyway, luckily for me, winnie the pooh is out this weekend and i am the voice of owl. if you want a little taste of what it sounds like, here you go, you ready: 'woo'. if you want more, get your ass to the theater because if you dont, this little mom and pop company that made it, called disney, wont be able to make another movie... winnie the pooh, thats what i'm talking about. it can teach children important life lessons. remember kids, if you ever see a bear in the woods, go up to it and try to make friends! offer him some honey! its not true of course, bears are ruthless predators who will pounce on fresh meat with their razor sharp claws. thats why i never wear tight pants when i go on 'the view'. when i first found out i got the gig as the owl i was very happy, i immediately started gluing feathers to my body. then i found out it was an animated movie and i was only doing the voice, but i kept on gluing because i did not want those birds to have died for nothing. its a joke! i didnt kill birds so i could have a costume! owls are awesome anyway, i love them. they've got these tiny little bodies with giant heads and they vomit out these furry little pellets. they're like super models!'- zooey deschanel she wins the golden mouth organ!
- jim cummings he wins the golden mouth organ too- he even brought his own! what an episode!
craig on leno?!?
what? craig ferguson was on leno?!? yes, thats right, craig ferguson appeared on 'the tonight show with jay leno' last night. what is this world coming to?!? well, at least during that episode that had one good host on it! craig talks about being on leno during the opening bit of his own show, heres what he had to say: 'i was on the tonight show tonight with jay leno. it was funny, i was on the tonight show and they have everything there! he've got lights, and cameras, and an audience that wants to see the host! ok, maybe they dont have that... but they've got lights and cameras. theres bands there and a desk that isnt rickety, and there's glittery balls hanging from the ceiling! not just one glittery ball on a desk, they were hanging from the ceiling! as if they were free, you could just reach out and pluck them, as if they were some sort of disco fruit! anyway i just loved it, it was like for someone who does this job, like sitting in a big beautiful ferrari or something. and then i got to come back here, a soviet era sedan. and i'm not kidding, i go into the tonight show and they've all got free things, they are like 'hey craig, have free cups, here's a bath robe, here's a hat, and please take this complimentary car, and train, and here's some moisturizer that costs thousands. here, have your own leopard, off you go!' and then i come back here and put on this suit and i walk down the corridor to this studio and i see a crap stain on the carpet. and i thought, you know, i wouldnt be anywhere else!'
7-13-11
+ 'its a great day if you like the roller coasters', craig ferguson shares, 'cause today the worlds steepest roller coaster opens in japan. the roller coaster goes 80 miles an hour and flips upside down seven times! its like car pooling with mel gibson- its crazy! the real kicker is that the new roller coaster has a drop so steep that they say its 'beyond vertical'. now i know what you are thinking, your thinking 'craig, there is no such thing as beyond vertical', and i'm like 'shut up, physicists!' its called the takabetha, which i think is japanese for 'number one pants pooper'. i look forward to your letters... historians say that the first roller coaster was built in 1784 in st. petersburg in russia, it was built for the amusement of catherine the great. you know, for most of the 1800's, roller coasters were called 'russian mountains', which is the name i used to dance under! even when the ride came to a stop, the screaming didnt! thats quite good that! strangely in russia they called roller coasters 'american mountains'. isnt that weird? i dont know why, no one knows. its one of those strange wrinkles in history that no one has cared enough to investigate, like how larry king avoided getting scurvy on the mayflower, no one really knows! 'it was the oranges!' you're thinking 'craig, we are learning so much tonight and yet you are still creapy and disgusting!' i know.'- d. j. qualls
- angela kinsey
7-12-11
+ 'we've got a bunch to worry about here in america', craig ferguson states, 'and everyone is worried about the same thing. thats right, the joffrey dancers are being locked out. its true, the joffrey ballet dancers are being locked out and might lead to season being cancelled. what the fuck!?! i cant believe this shit! the joffrey ballet is in chicago, and needless to say the locals are not happy. the people of chicago love two things: da bears, and da ballet! it must be tough to be a ballet dancer in a city known for its deep dish pizza. now chicago is a city without dance! is this the plot to footloose? we have to send kevin bacon to chicago to restore their faith in the power of a loose foot! as of now, chicago's ballerinas are locked out. that means the union talks have failed, everythings at a stand still until they can get it worked out, this could lead to a strike. and the most graceful picket line ever! you've got lock outs going in the nfl and the nba as well, where can we go to find guys in tight pants?!? dont worry, i'll find somewhere...'
7-11-11
+ 'its not a great day for rupert murdoch', craig shares, 'you know rupert murdoch, the adorable media baron who owns fox, fox news, fox sports, fox and friends, foxy, and megan fox... his cheerful drive for global domination has hit a snag. the british government has announced that they may cancel his 14 billion dollar satellite deal because they have discovered something about mr. murdoch: he's evil! thats how on the ball the british government is! 'i say, this ruthless billionaire may not be entirely trustworthy'. anyway, in the media business being evil isnt always a bad thing, there's also the loveable kind of evil we have here at cbs! anyway, rupert murdoch is in the business where evil and awesome gets blurry, one of murdoch's tabloids went too far. they hacked people's phones and listened to their voicemails. victims said that their iphones were so screwed up they were actually working! lawyers are saying there is a technical word for accessing someone's voicemail without permission, the word is 'crime', and the people who do it are often called 'criminals'. apparently criminals arent allowed to buy britian's largest satellite network. they have very quaint laws over there...'7-07-11
+ 'its july the seventh, so its seven seven today', craig ferguson observes, 'for some reason seven is considered a lucky number. maybe tonight we are all getting lucky! lets be honest, if you are watching this show, your luck just ran out. i dont know why seven is supposed to be lucky, maybe cause there's seven days in a week, seven musical notes, seven colors of the rainbow, seven wonders of the ancient world, seven deadly sins, seven seas, seven dwarves, and i have seven pet ferrets. anyway, i dont know why i'm giving so much thought in this number seven thing, i dont put any faith in that numerology crap, especially during an odd numbered month like now. people told me i'd believe in numerology if i saw a numerologist, but i'm not going. cause every time i go to someone with 'ologist' in their title, i end up bending over. and there is bad stuff too!'7-06-11
+ 'its not such a great day for me', craig ferguson states, 'because i had to do something very unpleasant today, something i never look forward to: i had to arrive. no, much worse: i had to watch the cbs sexual harassment video. we all have to watch the sexual harassment video, even david carusoe has to watch it, he actually has to watch it twice, once with the sunglasses and once without. they herd us all into this room and watch this badly lit hour long program with terrible performances- i feel right at home! here's the kicker though, at the end when you watch the sexual harassment video they say 'now making jokes about the sexual harassment video is, in itself, a form of sexual harassment'. i'm like 'whaaa?!?' it was too much for me, so i protested cbs' ridiculousness the only way i knew how- i took off my pants! anyway, finally the lawyer said i was able to make fun of the video tape on the show. i dont think they think i have a show, they just think i'm the crazy janitor or something. now, i understand what they are trying to do with the sexual harassment seminar, but they treat us like we are idiots. i think most guys know when they are being kind of creepy to a woman at work. so if you are a guy and you are being creepy- knock it off! guys, dont gather around the water cooler talking about sex, unless its sex with a water cooler, and i dont want to hear about that... well, maybe i do! nothing turns me on like five gallon jugs!'7-05-11
+ its tweets and email night! all the guests tonight will be helping out with answering the tweets and emails+ 'according to a new study by security experts', craig ferguson begins, 'our email isnt as safe as we thought. now, how would they know this? because they are reading my email- those bastards! their next move is to try and steal all the money i'm getting from that nigerian prince! the study also says that 90 percent of all email is spam, you know, the spam about 'refinance your home', 'enlarge your penis', 'refinance your enlarged penis'... i've never understood why they call junk mail spam, cause spam is delicious and junk mail is just annoying. i read today that they call junk mail spam because it keeps popping up all over the place, like in the monty python sketch. i was disappointed, i always thought spam stood for 'sexy penis augmentation message'. and in a way, it does... i have to admit though, i'm hooked on the email. thats right young people, i'm just like you! thats right, i do the face chat and the farm tubes and everything. please except me into your 18-34 demographic and we will stick it to the man! you kids still have it in for the man, dont you? even though i send lots of emails, i still know how to communicate the old fashioned way: anonymous truck stop sex. you kids still do that, right?'
- stephen wright helps with the tweets
- ellie kemper helps with the tweets
- adam savage also helps with the tweets!
7-01-11
+ 'its the 4th of july weekend!', craig celebrates, 'its a great big weekend, a lot of people will be going to the movies, very big movies open this weekend. what better way to celebrate america's birthday than spending it with two hours with a big gangly machine that crushes men in its iron jaws. i am, of course, talking about the new julia roberts movie! theres a new julia roberts movie, its called larry crown, its julia roberts and tom hanks. i have no idea what its about but they probably hook up. you know the kids are going to be lining up for that one! young people will be going to see the new transformers movie. the transformers of course were originally a line of toys from the 80's, transformers, more than meets the eye! i was too old for that in the 80's, but i had my own transformer- tequilla, makes me do gay stuff! you know megan fox isnt in the new transformers movie. she was fired! it was very sad, they replaced her with ashton kutcher. thats not true, they replaced her with a lamp. thats a bit harsh, isnt it?'6-30-11
+ 'its a great day for our magical neighbor to the north, the fabled land of canada', craig ferguson shares, 'the land famous for three delicious treats: bacon, maple syrup, and justin bieber. baby, please. today the canadians are getting a visit from the most famous newlyweds in the world, the royal couple are there: kloe kardashian and lamar odem. prince william is there with his lovely bride, kiki wigglesworth. the royal couple landed in canada with afternoon. i wonder if while they were on the plane if they joined the mile high club? or as they would call it the 1.6 kilometer high club. the royals were greeted at ottowa airport by thousands of hysterical canadians. and by hysterical i mean they all nodded politely and then apologized for nodding politely and then enjoyed a tasty treat. now if you know anything about me you know that ive always been anti royal. and by slightly, i mean vehemently! but i have to admit i've been won over by prince william and kiki. they seem nice, theyre young, theyre in love, they went against the tradition that usual goes on in the royal family: they married outside of the family gene pool.'- henry winkler
# mike massimino astronaut
6-29-11
+ 'its a great day for those of you who like shakespeare and and those of you who like marajuana', craig ferguson states, 'which is just about all of you, isnt it? a noted anthropologist is saying that shakespeare smoked weed. you know, marajuana, sticky icky, or as it was known in his day 'yon tobaccy that be wacky'. now, i tried a little marajuana when i was young, but i didnt smoke much of it because i was concerned about the long term affects on my health. ha! and also i was too busy drinking and taking cocaine. this anthropologist makes a pretty good case. first he proved that canibus was grown in england during shakespeares time, they used it to make rope and parchment and hackie sacks... then the anthropologist discovered marajuana in a pipe burried in shakespeares garden! i'm like 'you just blew my fucking mind, man!' this is amazing to me, shakespeare had a garden?!? where did he find the time to work in a garden? he wrote 38 plays, 154 sonnets, i do this show once a day five days a week and i dont have time to trim my rosebushes!'- mary-louise parker
-> dom irrera
neil gaiman on craig!
neil gaiman, best selling author, recently made his first visit to a late night talk show, and wisely he chose to make craig ferguson his first appearence! neil has written many amazing books and comic books, among them is his book 'american gods' which recently was republished for its 10 year anniversary. neil stopped by to talk about it a little, and talk about the episode of 'doctor who' that he wrote a lot!neil also has a blog/journal of his own on his website and recently talked about his time on 'the late late show with craig ferguson'. he shares why he decided to go on this show instead of accepting the multiple invitations to be on letterman:
"Craig is one of us, whatever that means. People who like books and SF and make jokes about H. P. Lovecraft and plug Doctor Who..."
to read the rest of what neil wrote about his visit and to see a clip of his interview, check it out here!
neil also stops by chris hardwicke's nerdist podcast and talks about why he chose to appear on craig as his first late night appearance. its also really funny! check it out here.
6-28-11
+ 'oh i'm so glad you cant sleep again!' craig ferguson exclaims to his late night viewers, 'i'm so glad you are here because its a very special night tonight. we are very excited here because, as you know, i believe love all the people no matter their sexual preference or even if they come from austraila. we are very excited tonight because in lesbian row, which is a small area of the audience here where we keep specifically for, you know, lesbians, we have australian lesbians! arent they adorable? the thing is, people often say to me 'craig, whats the difference between an australian lesbian and your regular old lesbians?' its to do with the hemispheres and the way the earth is. because austrailan lesbians if you go down there and watch, they go around a different way! yes, in the northern hemisphere where north america is, gravity makes lesbians and many other people go around a certain way, and in the south they go around a different way. i made that up. there's absolutely no difference other than i have a noticeable lack of material and it was something to talk about.'* neil gaiman the monologe was skipped tonight due to the really long chat with neil- and it was worth it!
6-27-11
+ 'its a great day for the fbi, they are still happy about the arrest of whitey bulger', craig ferguson states, 'its bulger right? bulger. bulger! wha- i just noticed that's a bit rude! whitey bulger! thats like 'are you excited to see me or are you just whitey bulger?' ha ha ha! i bet nobody ever said that to him! anyway, he is a notorious boston mobster, he was hiding in plain sight here in santa monica. we've got a picture of his mugshot when he was arrested and he's still wearing his had for the picture. thats when you know somebody's a bad ass- when the cops dont make him take his hat off! 'can you take your hat off?' 'no!'. or what probably happened is that he was arrested and he was wearing a really big hat, he took that one off and there was another hat! 'oh, we better not ask him to take his second hat off, he got so angery with the first hat!' he was on the fbi's most wanted list for 50 years, he's 81 years old now and can face life in prison. his capture has captured people's imaginations. its an amazing story, his younger brother billy was a politician, he was president of the mass. state senate. so, one brother was operating in a world with no morals, dealing with the lowest of the low, and the other was a mobster! you know, some people in boston think of whitey bulger as a sort of folk hero, a modern day robin hood. now robin hood, as we all know, stole from the rich and gave to the poor. whitey bulger stole from the rich and gave beatings to everyone who got in his way while flooding his home town with heroin. about the same.'6-10-11
+ 'its friday, its another big movie day', craig feguson states, 'what movie opens today? well, if you are looking for movie tips then you have come to the right place, who better to give movie tips than to ask a man who goes to see only one movie a year. or how ever often they release a new twilight movie! anyway, the movie opening today is not about a superhero. what?!? isnt it summer? arent we supposed to get a superhero movie every friday? i guess we will have to wait a whole week until the green lantern opens. i am officially sick of superhero movies, i dont need to see one anymore. i feel the same way about inspirational posters of kitties just hanging on to things. sometimes i just want that stupid kitty to fall. there, i said it! let go, kitty, what the point? anyway, so i'm glad the movie opening this weekend isnt about superheroes. its called 'super 8' and its about serious issues we can all relate to, like a big monster from another planet goes nuts and blows stuff up. you know whats weird about this movie? its set in a town that freaks out when its over run by aliens, and the town is not located in arizona!'- kevin bacon winner of the coveted golden harmonica!
6-09-11
+ 'today is a very important day', craig ferguson announces, 'i look forward to this day all year. its my favorite thursday. today is, and i'm not kidding, its donald duck day. this is the day the mighty disney corporation says we celebrate our favorite donald. sorry, donald trump. donald duck and donald trump are very different of course, one is a noisy cartoon character with a feathery ass who is a pompous idiot that no one can understand, and the other one is donald duck. wait a minute, donald trump has a feathery ass? maybe, i dont know. do you want to check? neither do i, i guess this will remain a mystery. if you are still confused by what i'm talking about, donald duck is the one who has a better chance of being president. donald duck is famous for walking around in a little sailor hat and no pants. i'm kind of famous for that too... when he does it its adorable, but when i do it i get arrested!'6-08-11
+ 'its quite a sad day here in los angeles', craig ferguson shares, 'the l.a. police commission has voted to get rid of the red light traffic cameras. which is very upsetting to me cause i love posing for them. every time i was near the intersection i would suck in my cheeks and make a pouty face, and then i would rear end somebody. and then i would get in my car. quite, you will wake up the censor... running the red light is one of the stupidest things you could ever do. i'm all for putting in cameras if they stop people from doing it, but they are controversial, you see. look, i know an easy way to reduce traffic accidents, heres what we do: cancel the show 'project runway' then we wont all be in such a hurry to get home to see it! oh, just me then? hundreds of cities in america use the red light traffic cameras but only here in l.a. we voted to take them down. in case you needed a reminder , we are not like the rest of the country. we dont need your stinkin traffic cameras just like we dont need your clean air, your human decency, or your real human breasts. we dont need any of that here! thats not a lie...'6-07-11
+ 'the 2012 presidential race is heating up', craig ferguson shares, 'the first major nation wide pole is out today. it has mit romney ahead of barak obama. but lets be honest, none of them are as popular as anthony wiener's weiner. yet another tough day for new york's most penisy congressman. the list of women who got sexy pics from anthony weiner keeps growing. as of right now its a porn star, a single mom from texas, a black jack dealer, and a student from seatle. i'm like, is this a sex scandle or the next cast of survivor? today the porn star in question, apparently he tried to get her to lie about the messages he sent, but she refused. good! i'd hate to think that a porn star would degrade herself by taking orders from a congressman. but i have to ask, what kind of world are we living in when a porn star makes weiners go down? its reverse world!'craig is going to france!
is craig taking 'the late late show with craig ferguson' on the road? you bet! here's what he said recently on the show: 'i've had an idea. sometimes people come up to me and say 'craig, do you ever get bored coming out and doing the same thing night after night in the dimly lit studio?' yeah. cause then they say 'cause we get bored with you doing the same thing night after night after night'. so i said alright, i've got an idea. you know how proper talk shows go on the road and have like 'a week of shows from san francisco' or 'a week of shows from chicago' and they say 'yea', well i want to do a week of shows from another town. and they go 'well, we cant afford that'. well what can you afford? 'well, you and the robot and one other person can fly to a town of your choice. coach.' so thats what we are going to do. i'm going to do a week of shows, we are going to film the next week, i'm going to film a week of shows from paris france! so yeah, we are going to paris france! me, my robot, and my best girl by my side. well, best girl on the show, not my wife. kristin bell is coming with me. me, kristin bell, and geoff are going to paris to do a week of shows! yeah!'they wont be broadcast until the first week of august though, so we will just have to be patient!
6-06-11
+ 'it is a great day if you like words', craig ferguson shares, 'i do like words, they call me a wordophile. i use 20 words a day. just hours ago the oxford enlgish dictionary announced which new words will be in next year's dictionary. its just like when they reveal next season's line up for dancing with the stars, except its for people who can read. not surprisingly, most of the new words deal with technology. you know, permalink, zomg, twittersphere. i dont know if thats a good idea, to add words like that to a dictionary. it just makes it more annoying to play scrabble with a teenager. i cant find teenagers who will play scrabble with me anyway. damn you 'to catch a predator'!'6-03-11
+ 'this weekend dublin is hosting the world atheist convention', craig ferguson states, 'wait a minute, 'craig, are you advocating the rejection of belief in the existence of deities?' no, so dont write to me angry letters people of all religions. if you must sent them, send them to andy rooney at cbs... i'm sure this aithiest convention will be a bunch of laughs, it'll be hilarious. i just think its weird that they are having it in dublin ireland, its not exactly the place i would choose to introduce alternative religious beliefs. trust me, i know what i'm talking about here! dublin is, of course, home to the world famous guinness brewery. and guinness was something i used to believe in very religiously, in fact it still holds a somewhat mystical appeal to me. an atheist convention is a mass gathering of people who could be described as godless. or as we call it in hollywood: hollywood. i'm guessing you dont get a lot of advertisers for the world atheist convention. 'brought to you by starbucks, there's no afterlife so just stay awake all the time'. now listen, i am not an atheist. i know some people who are, its ok, we live in america, we can believe what ever we want. but as for me, i'll tell you what i believe: children are the future. teach them well and let them lead the way. show them all the beauty they possess inside. give them a sense of pride. and smoke crack. cbs cares.'6-02-11
+ 'it is a great day for america unless you like junkfood', craig ferguson shares, 'and by you i mean me. the usda today, which stands for united states something or other... anyway today the usda introduced a new way to make people feel bad about the way they eat, its called the food plate. it replaces the old food pyramid which some found confusing. after a few years of following that many people ended up being shaped like pyramids! anyway the idea of a food pyramid originated in sweden in the 1970's. it originally was a diet consisting of tiny meatballs and group sex. it was introduced to america in 1992. its better than what i ate growing up, there were only two food groups in scotland when i was a kid: fried and hot. because aparently the fried food wasnt hot? anyway, i know the government means well with their spiffy new food plate, i know they are just trying to provide a friendly reminder that we can all eat better. so its in that spirit of generosity that i would like to say to you: screw you, government! what happens if i dont eat my veggies, are you going to come to my house and spank me? cause i'm not eating them if you are! am i the only one who thinks the government might have bigger problems, i dont know, like two wars, a record national deficit, soaring gas prices, crushing unemployment. you telling me that politicians are so bored theyve got nothing better to do than tell me what to eat and tweet pictures of their damn penises?!?'- dick van dyke
6-01-11
+ 'its not a great day for one amercian: new york congressman anthony wiener', craig ferguson states, 'it kind of writes itself, doesnt it? i call him tony wiener, not to be confused with nathan lane, who is a tony winner. it turns out that wiener is in a bit of hot water. some times thats very pleasant, of course, but not this time... congressman wiener's twitter account was hacked allegedly, and someone texted a picture of his junior senator to a college girl. now this is good news for me because now i can get on the cbs computer and type in wiener photos at work and not get fired! wiener photos, 'i'm working!' congressman wiener will not say that the photograph is not of him, but he does say that it may have been digitally manipulated... i cant believe the media is making such a big deal out of this little thing... or not so little. the congressman thinks that the hackers are targeting him because of his last name: wiener. which is very bad news for congressman harry vagina.'5-31-11
+ 'i hope you had a nice weekend', craig ferguson states, 'i was in canada where it is still snowing and will be until july. canada was beautiful, i was there doing some stand-up shows and i was walking around the casino and the whole place was filled with muscley people in really buff tight t shirts. i'm like 'is this canada or heaven?' i said to a big muscley dude 'whats going on? is it gay pride or something?' and he said 'no, its a body building contest'. tomato tomah-to... anyway, the body building competitions are different in canada, instead of rubbing oil over their muscles they spread mapel syrup. its weird, but delicious. some of these body builders looked like they could crush my head between their man boobs... no matter how much i offered to pay them. one of them recognized me and said 'hey, you better not make fun of us in your monologue, eh.' and i'm like 'of course not sir, i would never do that. i give you my word'. but now i am safely 2000 miles away... some of these people were pretty freaky looking. i call them beef monsters, crunch monkeys, muscle crows. they were walking around all top heavy and they are all deep orange! apparently they think the spray tan helps define their muscles under the stage lights, but it looks really wierd when they are just walking around. their whole body shade looked like a cross between cheetos and snookie! i could never have a massive ripped body myself, jazzercise only gets you so far...'5-30-11
+ 'its memorial day where we honor the great men and women who defend our country,' craig announces, 'thank you. and we celebrate their service with sales on mattresses! all across the country today its a great day to get a deal on a mattress. 'america's military is as tough as nails, unlike our mattresses!' the car dealerships also have a memorial day sale, they bring out the heavy artillery: theyve got those blowey guys out front doing their thing. on memorial day weekend they put extra blow in the blowey guys, did you know that? by the way, theres a place on hollywood boulevard where theyve got blowey guys and mattresses, but its not a mattress store... here at cbs the network has its annual memorial day tradition of not giving me the day off. thats right, the network motto is 'cbs cares... about making the immigrant work on the holidays'. i wish there were some way to prerecord the show so i wouldnt have to come in on memorial day. aw, it would never work! most people had a three day weekend. the only thing better than that is a four day weekend. unfortunately theres only one four day weekend a year, thats thanksgiving. stupid pilgrims. would it have killed you to invite the indians over for dinner twice in the same year?'the geoff peterson dance!
craig ferguson has just introduced the latest dancing crazy to sweep the country! while talking with his robot skeleton sidekick geoff peterson, craig asked 'hey, want to practice our dance so the kids can all go out to the clubs, in their region, and do it?' he and geoff then proceed to teach the dance to the audience: put your right hand in, put it up and down, then turn your head back and forth and chomp your jaw up and down! man, this is going to be a huge hit!
5-27-11
+ 'finally, its memorial day weekend. i'm very excited', craig ferguson shares, 'the movie hangover part 2 is coming out today. its the sequel to the first hangover movie, which was a huge hit. it made household names out of the bird looking guy, the fat guy with the beard, and the other guy who lost his tooth- these are household names! the ads for the hangover 2 are everywhere! youve got to hand it to warner brothers, they came up with a fantastic marketing campaign. theyve done a great job, what they did was they watched what cbs does for this show and did the complete opposite of that. where as for the hangover they put up giant billboards, cbs go 'i didnt know we had a guy on after dave. did you know we have a guy on after dave?'. anyway, the hangover part 2 is already causing a great deal of controversy. one character gets a face tattoo like mike tyson. so mike tyson's tattoo artist is suing warner brothers because they ripped off his design and i think he's got a point. thats right, i am taking the side of an unknown tattoo artist against hollywood's biggest studio and its army of lawyers. wait, no i'm not. i just thought of that, thats a stupid thing to do. sorry tattoo guy, but i still have dreams of getting into show business some day. one day they are going to make a biopic of liza minelli and i'm going to be there!'touch my glittery ball
carrot top was recently on 'the late late show with craig ferguson' and while doing his prop comedy one of his props broke! after the show he must have given the broken tiny disco ball to craig, because now craig has it featured on his desk! at the end of each guest craig has been prone to ask the guest how they would like to end their interview: awkward pause, or play the mouth organ. now with this tiny disco ball he has opened up a third option: touch my glittery ball! when a guest takes that option he pulls it over, set on its super fancy stand (a roll of electrical tape), and tells them: 'mr. bus driver, touch my glittery ball!' its a funny bit, but craig himself isnt too sure about it, often informing the guest that the kinks havent really been worked out yet, but still giving them the option to touch it. well, lets see where this third option goes and if craig can figure out a way to touch his glittery ball!
5-26-11
+ 'its a great day for scotty mcreary, the new winner of american idol', craig ferguson shares, 'if you havent seen scotty, hes a country singer with a really deep voice, he's very young though. the ladies love scotty. the female voters when cockahoop over his cute southern charm and his accent and his loveliness. but remember, dont forget girls, you felt the same way about clay aiken... both of the finalists of american idol this year are country singers and i like that. i've always been a fan of the country music, its very popular in scotland. it resonates with scottish people with the 'gettin' drunk, gettin' yer heart broke, and then gettin' drunk again'. people talk about rap music is violent, but country music is very violent, the great johnny cash sang a song about shooting a man just to watch him die, carrie underwood had that beating the crap out of her boyfriend's car, then the guy who sang 'take this job and shove it' and i've got a pretty good idea where he had in mind! country music is centralized in nashville. i've been to nashville, while i was there i really wanted a cowboy hat. so i found a hat store and got a snake skin cowboy hat. dont send me letters, peta, it was artificial snake skin, it was fake. i like my cowboy hats like i like my boobies: i like em big and fake and pushed down over my eyes...'5-25-11
+ 'its not such a great day for fans of the oprah show', craig ferguson laments, 'dont worry though, oprah's show will be in reruns until september, and then she will be replaced by ashton kutcher. see what i did there? this really is the end of an era, what are we going to do without oprah? a world with out oprah is like a donut without jelly, like a kardashian without back hair. its just not something you can think of! i like to think oprah is not really retired, she's a bit like batman, you can shine a light up into the sky and she will reappear when we need her most. like when we cant think of what to read. i think the reason that the oprah show was so popular was cause she allowed her audience to see her struggles. we all know she struggled with her weight, she was skinny, then she got heavy, they she was skinny again. then her financial struggles- she was rich, then she was richer, now she's richest. and earlier this year we learned that oprah has a secret sister. that has to be amazing, to find out you are oprah's long lost sister. i would change my name right away to kaching! 'have you met my sister kaching winfrey?' 'hi, where's my car?' its not an exaggeration to say that oprah has touched millions of women around the world, but unlike arnold schwarzzenegger, she didnt leave them pregnant! good job, oprah!'= oh land
5-24-11
+ 'tonight was the big 'dancing with the stars' season finale', craig ferguson states, 'i havent watched it yet because i've dvr'ed it, so no spoilers anyone! i love that show 'dancing with the stars', you know why? because i love what you love, america. i'm a whore, but a cheerful and enthusiastic whore! i've actually never seen dancing with the stars, not even for five minutes, and i'll tell you why: i'm afraid to watch. i happen to have an addictive personality. i see a booty shaking and i'm going to have to shake mine too, and once my booty starts shaking it aint stopping for anyone, bitch! once i start i dont stop until i'm done. or until you're done... nah, i dont care if you are done... the real reason dancing with the stars is such a hit is because your whole family can watch it together. of course, it helps if your whole family is old ladies and gay dudes... tonight wasnt just the season finale of dancing with the stars, it was also the season finale of 'glee'. tonight is the one night in a year you can get into any restaruant in west hollywood- you can walk right in to any of them, their empty! its like a ghost town. i cant imagine going on dancing with the stars. well, i can imagine it and its not pretty. it would be a lot of work and i hate to be critiqued about my dancing, i dont need judges. i can always figure out if ive danced well by counting the money i find in my thong. although, some of those coins are lumpy. then again, so am i!'5-23-11
+ 'president obama just kicked off a six day european tour', craig ferguson states, 'which is actually quite terrifying- this means joe biden is in charge! anyway, today the president when to ireland, he has roots there. my father's mother was from donegal actually. i've never been, i should visit. ireland is pretty close to where i'm from. now ireland was being called the celtic tiger because of its huge economic growth in the 1990's, but recently ireland had to be bailed out to the tune of one hundred million dollars. granted, most of that was for an outstanding bar tab, but still! ireland got most of that cash from the imf, but that was before the imf had to spend most of that money on bail money. do you know that percentage wise, there are more people with red hair in ireland than anywhere else in the world. i'm glad i dont have red hair, especially... downstairs... it would look like my penis was wearing a clown wig. again. 'who wants to go to the circus?' no offense to carrot top who is on the show tomorrow night...'5-20-11
+ 'we are live, of course, so officially its may the 21st', craig ferguson admits, 'so, i know what you are thinking, 'today is a big day', and you are right because youve seen the billboards, they are all over the country. they say 'judgement day, may the 21st'. well well. i hope its not judgement day, it would completely ruin our summer! think of all the things we would miss, like the hangover 2. if this is the last day on earth this could be the last tv show you'd see, so why dont you put in a dvd or something. on you go, apparently i wont be here when you get back... i'm going to go out on a limb here and say something controversial: today is not judgement day. you know whats going to happen today? i'm not going to say nothing, stuff will happen today but it wont be the end of days. i keep emergency food just in case, enough for me and my ferrets. i'm just kidding, i dont keep emergency food for my ferrets- i breast feed them! you know the guy who paid for all these billboards is a very religious man, a very successful religious broadcaster. he thinks today is going to be the big day because he added up a bunch of numbers and came up with may the 21st. its very complicated, so you know what he's going to do on sunday is 'oh, um... i forgot to carry the seven...' the other thing you should know about this guy is that twenty years ago, i'm not kidding ya, he wrote a book called '1994' about the end of the world. he predicted that the world would end in september of 1994. his record is a little patchy in this department'.5-19-11
+ 'there's a lot of bruhahaing going on at the secret service', craig ferguson shares, 'the officials had to delete a tweet from the official secret service twitter account cause they made fun of fox news. i'm like, knock it off secret service! thats my job! i dont go around talking into my hand, doing courageous stuff, and helping people do i?!? well, you knock off making fun of... yes. i just realized i was yelling at the secret service. not that smart. what did the tweet say? it said 'had to monitor fox for a story. cant. deal. with. the. blathering'. not that bad, really, blathering. people say that on twitter about this show, and that person is me. i understand that the secret service wants to appear impartial, but is anyone really offended here that fox news is described as blather? they are a 24 hour cable channel, blather is what they do. fox news does right wing blather, msnbc does left wing blather, the e channel does kardshian blather, cinemax does boobie blather, nbc's got leno blather... i think i would be a good secret service agent, i could go undercover and no one would discover my secret identity. because, years ago, i accidentally burned off my finger prints. it was with a curling iron. i thought my downstairs hair wasnt curly enough, so i tried to fix it. i had to wait until it got really hot down there, then i started screaming, and then i turned on the curling iron and got to work... that is so stupid! i've got a question about this though, what is the secret service doing with a twitter account? isnt their job to keep things secret? just sayin. i'm just proposing that the secret service shouldnt have a twitter account because they are meant to be secret. to be fair, they have only had the account for 10 days, before that they were on myspace. thats funny because myspace has fallen out of favor with me and my cyber posse. i'm just like you, young people, except i'm older. with no finger prints and burnt genitals. happens to us all over time...'- tony shalhoub man, this interview was incredibly awkward...
5-18-11
+ 'its not a great day if you are a fan of the circus', craig ferguson shares, 'the members of the families that own the ringling brothers barnum and bailey circus are suing each other in federal court. its getting ugly in the courtroom, theres wild charges, outburts, cars with doors flying off. today the judge said 'this trial is becoming a three ring... nevermind.' ringling brothers is one of the old school circus' like i used to go to as a kid. i used to love watching the elephants march around in a circle to the hawaii five-0 theme tune. thats what they would do, it was just two sad animals going around. but new circuses are more like circ de soli, you know the acrobats, the weird costumes, the enya music. circ de soli doesnt use animals though, they exploit a group of creatures even stranger than animals: french canadians! as a kid going to the circus always made me anxious, i used to worry that one of the wild animals would snap its leash and attack the crowd. its the same thing i worry now when i watch 'the view'.'5-17-11
+ happy birthday, craig! + 'big news here in california', craig ferguson states, 'today we found out why maria left arnold. apparently arnold fathered a love child back in 2003. i for one am shocked that anyone would be shocked by this. i really dont understand the term 'love child'. i guess love child is nicer than saying 'shh, maria's asleep' child. aparently the woman arnold got pregnant was a former employee, i'm not sure what she did but i think she worked on arnold's staff... now a fancy word for a man that has affairs like this is a philanderer. its like a philanthropist, except you are generous with your penis. its been said that men only think with their penis, but thats not true- i can also stear my car with my penis! strangly i can only make right turns with my penis... anyway, to arnold's credit he has been taking care of the child financially, providing health care and education. the same thing he's been taking away from every other child in california while he was the governer of california.'
+ larry king interviews arnold schwarzenegger
+ craig interviews the leader of seal team six: betty white!
no more cussing, craig!
i dont know if i believe it. craig ferguson claims that he is done cussing! 'look, here's some news', craig ferguson states, 'this show is going to be different. i've decided no more cussing and i'll tell you why. this past weekend i went indoor skydiving. i though you would have to go inside a big building and it would be like aah! but its not that, you go inside this room and they have this thing. you put on a special suit and you go into this room and you get blown really hard! they turn on this machine and it goes 'whoo' and you go 'aah!' but i realized, because it was a very exhilerating experience, but i cussed a lot in there! cause i was a little bit frightened, i was like 'cussing! cussing! cussing!' and i have in fact, exhausted my supply. see, i always thought i was kind of like the saudi arabia of profanity, that i had deep reserves of cuss words that the rest of the world was envious of. but aparently i have used up all my source material, i havent even got a darn left in me. so i'm going to try not cussing for an entire show. and if that works... i'll be surprised!'
5-16-11
+ 'its a great day for america, everybody!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'i know what you are thinking, 'craig craig, come on. give us some proof, give us a nugget, give us a sausage that says, yes a sausage, a morsel of something that proves its a great day for america'. i'll tell you: donald trump is not running for president! people are saying 'donald trump pulled out of the presidential race', he wasnt in the presidential race! he didnt have a nomination! nobody was going to vote for him! if he is in the presidential race by saying you are in the presidential race, then fine: i am in the presidential race! its constitutionally impossible for me to be president, also i am not, but i am! now i have to say, as an american i am relieved. but as a vulgar late night entertainer i feel a certain amount of regret. donald trump is out, mike huckabee is out. at this point the only one who could derail barack obama's reelection is joe biden. 'derail? derail? like a train? i love trains, i took a train to work! choo choo!'.'- geoff peterson, robot skeleton sidekick!
5-13-11
+ 'of course its friday the 13th today', craig ferguson reminds, 'so i am obligated to give you my usual warning: if you are a sexy teen camping out by the lake tonight and you think you see a guy in a hockey mask lurking in the bushes, dont worry, its probably nothing. go back to making out in that flimsy little tent. anyway, there's a new movie coming out today, its called bridesmaids. the bridesmaid of course, is a wedding tradition. my favorite wedding tradition is the old lady raps. i dont know if thats a tradition, maybe i just saw that movie while i was drunk. i've said it before, the elderly would not be neglected so much if more of them could rap! i'm just trying to help! a lot of wedding traditions go back centuries, in the olden days people got married based on how much money the bride's family had, today people get married for love or its a reality show or something like that. back in scotland, where i'm from, theres a weird wedding tradition called a 'scramble'. what would happen is that after the wedding ceremony the best man threw the coins from his pockets onto the streets and the local urchins would pick them up. that was my first job, street urchin. i would be down on my hands and knees grabbing around for coins. that prepared me to work here at CBS!'
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