+ 'it is a great day for america unless you like junkfood', craig ferguson shares, 'and by you i mean me. the usda today, which stands for united states something or other... anyway today the usda introduced a new way to make people feel bad about the way they eat, its called the food plate. it replaces the old food pyramid which some found confusing. after a few years of following that many people ended up being shaped like pyramids! anyway the idea of a food pyramid originated in sweden in the 1970's. it originally was a diet consisting of tiny meatballs and group sex. it was introduced to america in 1992. its better than what i ate growing up, there were only two food groups in scotland when i was a kid: fried and hot. because aparently the fried food wasnt hot? anyway, i know the government means well with their spiffy new food plate, i know they are just trying to provide a friendly reminder that we can all eat better. so its in that spirit of generosity that i would like to say to you: screw you, government! what happens if i dont eat my veggies, are you going to come to my house and spank me? cause i'm not eating them if you are! am i the only one who thinks the government might have bigger problems, i dont know, like two wars, a record national deficit, soaring gas prices, crushing unemployment. you telling me that politicians are so bored theyve got nothing better to do than tell me what to eat and tweet pictures of their damn penises?!?'
- dick van dyke

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