+ 'its a great day if you like the fossil fuels', craig ferguson shares, ''mexican food for lunch craig?' no thats not what i mean. tonight a new show premiered on a tv show thats not cbs, so i wont be watching... what channel? i dont know. its a reality show about miners, its called 'coal'. america needs coal miners, more than 50% of the power in america comes from coal. coal powered electric plants, it powers freight trains, regis philbin is powered by coal. its true, one of the most dangerous jobs in america: shoveling coal into regis' boilers. thats code. anyway, i'm excited about his coal show, if you ask me its well past time we appreciated america's coal miners. without them american snowmen would not have eyes, or the little buttons down the front. anyway, the guys on the coal show are pretty tough, they make the ice road truckers look like the cast from glee. i could never be a coal miner, i'm to pretty! plus, i would giggle every time the boss said 'ok boys, time to go down the shaft!'. reality shows about jobs are very popular now, coal miners, stock brokers, crab fisherman, theres more jobs on tv than there are in real life! will anyone want to see a coal miner show though? i want to see it but i dont know if anyone else will want to see it, a show about someone working in almost total darkness for low wages. remind you of anybody? when i see shows about dangerous jobs it makes me think i should stop complaining about my job. then i think complaining about my job sort of is my job! just kind of like 'aw, this is rubbish'. the only difference is that i mean it when i complain about this job, but its the only thing i am qualified to do. oh my, thats actually true!' 3-30-11
+ 'its a great day if you like the fossil fuels', craig ferguson shares, ''mexican food for lunch craig?' no thats not what i mean. tonight a new show premiered on a tv show thats not cbs, so i wont be watching... what channel? i dont know. its a reality show about miners, its called 'coal'. america needs coal miners, more than 50% of the power in america comes from coal. coal powered electric plants, it powers freight trains, regis philbin is powered by coal. its true, one of the most dangerous jobs in america: shoveling coal into regis' boilers. thats code. anyway, i'm excited about his coal show, if you ask me its well past time we appreciated america's coal miners. without them american snowmen would not have eyes, or the little buttons down the front. anyway, the guys on the coal show are pretty tough, they make the ice road truckers look like the cast from glee. i could never be a coal miner, i'm to pretty! plus, i would giggle every time the boss said 'ok boys, time to go down the shaft!'. reality shows about jobs are very popular now, coal miners, stock brokers, crab fisherman, theres more jobs on tv than there are in real life! will anyone want to see a coal miner show though? i want to see it but i dont know if anyone else will want to see it, a show about someone working in almost total darkness for low wages. remind you of anybody? when i see shows about dangerous jobs it makes me think i should stop complaining about my job. then i think complaining about my job sort of is my job! just kind of like 'aw, this is rubbish'. the only difference is that i mean it when i complain about this job, but its the only thing i am qualified to do. oh my, thats actually true!' new wave tweets
another entry into the tweets and emails jingle list, craig ferguson created a new song to start off his segment. this one is a pretty strange tune, it feels almost like a david bowie type song, but craig did one of those already! in the song he talks about how he is neither male nor female and it ends with him opening his zipper to reveal a chimp! yikes!
3-29-11
+ 'i confess i'm not really feeling myself today', craig ferguson admits, 'i'm a big jumpy and scratchy. i went to the doctor and he did some tests. it didnt take long to get my results. he told me i have an acute case of royal wedding fever! its exactly one month from now when brittan's prince william and his lovely fiancee keke wigglesworth get married. over the weekend prince william had his stag night in a secret mansion. a stag night is the british version of a bachelor party. you know, a bachelor party has many different names: stag night, boys night out, weenie roast, brodeo, exhibit A for the prosecution... i heard that william's bachelor party got pretty crazy, at one point he knocked back a glass of chery and didnt stick out his pinky! apparently a stripper at the party sat on willam's lap and said 'ive been a very bad girl', and he sent her to the tower of london and had her beheaded! it must be awkward for prince william to get a lap dance from a stripper because british money that he slips into the stripper's g-string has a picture of his grandmother on it! thats got to be a little awkward! that cant be, you know, 'good for the wood'!' 3-28-11
+ 'its a great day for us here because the great bob geldof is here tonight', craig ferguson shares, 'now this is a man who created band aid. not the adhesive bandage, although that joke is as old as band aid isnt it? no, weve tried to get the guy who developed the adhesive bandage here for sweeps, you know. i would not be surprised if i looked on the guest list one day and the guy and it said who invented the bandage was here... anyways, bob geldof is here, hes a singer of course, a political activist, and a sir. sir bob geldof. he was granted honorary knighthood by queen elizabeth. i dont know what that means, and i am unlikely to find out what thats like, i would think. what happens is the queen touches you with that big royal thing she carries around. 'oh, there you go, you are now very special'. what is that big royal thing she caries around? thats right, prince charles. 'die already, mother!' that was my knighthood leaving... there are very few musicians who have been given the title of sir. sir bob geldof, and the greatest of course is probably sir mix-a-lot. a knighthood is a position of great honor and class and dignity. like sir elton john. anyway, sir bob geldof was in a band called the boomtown rats. i saw the boomtown rats in glasgow apollo in 1977 and i was drunk. i was six years old as well... they started around the same time as another dublin band called U2. U2 were very different back in the 70's. the edge wasnt exactly himself yet, he was just a rounded corner, a flat surface.' who does the voice of geoff peterson?
have you ever wondered who does the voice for geoff peterson? well, the actor behind the voice is none other than josh robert thompson. thompson has been a regular and appeared on the show before in front of the camera as an arnold schwarzenegger impersonator. he has also done some different voices for the show, most notably morgan freeman for some of craig's silly segments. when asked about how he came up with the voice for geoff peterson, thompson has said 'its one part snagglepuss, one part vincent price, and two parts george takei'.and now you know!
3-16-11
+ 'its st. patricks day!' craig ferguson announces, 'if you are up this late and you are the kind of person who celebrates st. patricks day, go ahead! 'thanks craig, we were waiting on your permission'. as we all know, of course, st. patricks day is named after st. patrick. according to the legend he drove the snakes out of ireland, which made him a hero to everyone in ireland, except for the one irish guy who made his living as a snake charmer. thats right, the irish snake charmer shamis mcvenom. 'damn you, st partrick, ye ruined me business. i was doin great and then i'm blowing my little tootie and nothin's coming out of the basket!' anyway, anthropologists are now saying that driving the snakes out of ireland is probably a metaphor of driving the pagan ideology. personally, i think pagan ideology is a metaphor for penises! 'craig, what are you basing that on?' it begins with a p! people all over america are going to be celebrating st. patricks day, each city does it a little differently. in new york they have the green fireworks, in boston they light up the skyline with the green lights, and here in l.a. they have the green cocaine. los angelas celebrates holidays with lots of different ethnic groups, we've got everything here: cinco de mio, we've got the chinese new year, we have all kardashian eve. on st. particks day in chicago they dye the chicago river green. the chicago river is green on one other day of the year, the day oprah washes her money. one st. patricks day tradition i hate is that you are supposed to pinch anyone not wearing green. you've got to be careful with that, i tried that once and cbs made me watch the sexual harassment video again. admittedly, when i did it it wasnt st. patricks day and i was nude. but still, cant andy rooney take a joke?'3-15-11
+ 'its a great day, not just for america, but for the entire world because a world institution celebrates his birthday today', craig ferguson shares, 'you know who i'm talking about, today, the 15th of march, fabio's birthday! happy birthday fabio! anyway, fabio's birthday wish is, of course, is a restraining order against me. now, today, not only is it fabio's birthday, but it also the 'ides' of march. this is when julius ceasar was told 'beware the ides of march' and ceasar was killed in italy on the ides of march, and fabio was born on the ides of march. could it be? no. reincarnation isnt possible. i look forward to your letters, your hindu letters. reincarnation doesnt work! its a made up concept like happiness or the female orgasm. sure, its a nice idea, we would all like to see one... i'm just kidding, ive seen one. anyways, the ides of march is just a fancy way of saying the 15th of march. in the roman calender the ides meant the 15th some months, and the 13th other months. the roman calender was very complicated, thats why i prefer my calender: the 1988 calender. i use the same calender every year, i miss a lot of appointments and people get angry, but at least i have a routine!'-> martha stewart
geoff on the soup!
craig and joel mchale are always showing up on each other's tv shows! joel is a regular guest on 'the late late show with craig ferguson', and craig has even stopped by joel's show 'the soup' on E! the two of them are really funny on their own, but when they get together all bets are off! this past week on 'the soup' jeoff peterson even stooped by to pester our other favorite host! joel seemed to just get annoyed as geoff pulled out his usual catch phrases: 'balls', 'in your pants', and the like! joel was pleasantly annoyed as geoff popped up a couple other times during the course of the show. its strange to see geoff peterson showing up in other places, thats for sure...
3-14-11
+ 'this is actually a very special show because we've got a great guest', criag ferguson shares, 'not that we dont normally... anyway, we've got a great guest. lewis black is on the show tonight. lewis you probably know from his stuff on comedy central, you know the 'arghghgh!' stuff. dont tell him i did that... but you probably dont know that lewis is also a celebrated playwright. 'in between songs' he wrote, 'one small hitch', 'streetcar named desire'. thats right, lewis black launched the career of marlon brando. look it up on wikipedia. also on wikipedia you will find that i play the harp and i have three nipples. that actually wrong, i have five. two of which are mine. look, all i'm saying is that wikipedia is not a source, ok journalists? what am i talking about? oh, lewis black and the playwright thing, hey. when i was a young man i wanted to be a playwright. i got the whole playwright uniform, like shakespeare had. i had the big puffy pants, the collar that looks like the thing that dogs have to wear when they have an operation. which didnt help, my plays were terrible. but that collar kept me from licking myself... for a while. but love will find a way, which was the name of one of my plays, it was about a guy who licked himself. i am still fascinated by the theater. when i was a younger man i was an actor, well, i hung about with actors. i did a play in new york city it was in a dingy theater, there was no money, the producers said i would get to play pretend with attractive young women. i'm like 'i'm in!' then it turned out to be dudes pretending to be attractive young women. i should have known better when they said they were 'updating' shakespeare with a production of 'the merchant of penis'. and that their last production was 'romeo and romeo'. its a very short play but it has a great sword fight...'* lewis black
= stackridge
3-11-11
+ 'theres a couple big movies opening today', craig ferguson shares, 'the alien invasion movie 'battle: l.a.', and the fairy tale 'red riding hood'. its very tough for me to choose between these two movies cause the straight male part of me wants to see battle: l.a., but the other 95% wants to see red riding hood. battle: l.a. is not that realistic though because in the movie america goes all out to save the city of l.a., but i think if aliens really did attack l.a. i think the rest of america would be like 'eh, take it'. even people in l.a. would be like 'fine, take it. its crap. we know its crap- look at it, its garbage!' i'm not surprised that theres a movie about little red ridding hood, though. hollywood studios love a story like that, you know, centuries old so it has a rich history about it, but more importantly, its in public domain so they dont have to pay for it. its the same reason cbs wanted the theme song for this show to be 'mary had a little lamb'. 'craigy had a late late show, late late show, late late show, craigy had a late late show, late late show, late late show, and it was really cheap!' anyway, the movie red ridding hood is from the director of the twilight movie. now, i just saw the twilight movie. i figured i probably should watch this since i had been making fun of it on the show, and i though 'awe, come on and watch this'. and i was surprised that i was right- it is garbage! i mean, i'm sorry! i dont mean to rain on anybody's parade. i've seen some bad movie, i've been in some bad movies- i've been in some bad vampire movies! but this thing is a whole dimension of suck! i mean all this build up and tension and then... nothing happens! its like porn without any of the porny parts! its like if the plumber in the porn actually came to fix the sink and got paid with actual money! its like if the pizza actually got delivered!'+ dear aquaman
3-10-11
+ 'its a great day for billionaires', craig ferguson shares, 'well, its always a great day if you are a billionaire, i would imagine. 'i've got so much money! i'm a billion-fucking-aire!' thats what id say anyway. today forbes magazine came out with their annual list of the worlds richest people. now, theres a spoiler alert coming: i'm not on it. now, the worlds richest person is not bill gates! when bill gates heard the news he froze up, just like windows vista. bill gates is number two on the list. he would be number one if he didnt waste all that money by giving it away to charity. i'm kidding, i'm kidding. i give a lot of money to charity, thats the name of my favorite stripper. the number one richest person in the world is in fact a gentleman named carlos slim. he is a mexican business magnate. he owns telecommunication companies worth 74 billion dollars, which in pesos is like a krintillion or something. yeah, krintillion. google it! anyway, i love the name carlos slim. he's like a james bond villian. like a guy who lives on a converted oil rig and takes a helicopter to go to the bathroom. anyway, the forbes list of billionaires is interesting because a lot of people on the list have made their money from internet companies. i should have put money on the internet, instead i invested all my cash on vhs tapes. its the dumbest thing i did last year.'3-09-11
+ 'its a great day for america because its a great day for the american space program', criag ferguson states, 'earlier today the space shuttle discovery made its last ever landing. people near cape canaveral in florida heard a sonic boom followed by thousands of old people going 'what the hell?' thats what i'm going to be like when i get old, i'm going to be one of them really dirty old people that says really dirty things to the ladies at the supermarket and they go 'he's adorable, isnt he?' i think i'm kind of like that now... anyway, i'm talking about the space shuttle. you know what i think is so amazing is just how precise nasa is. after a two week space mission that covered 150 million miles, todays landing was merely 17 seconds behind schedule. do you here that, continental airlines? they went to space and got back 17 seconds late, you cant even get to fucking burbank! cbs cares.'3-08-11
+ 'today is, of course, international womans day', craig ferguson informs, 'so congratulations women, about damn time! happy international woman. for international womans day one of the guests today is a woman from another country! your welcome, international women. for me, every day is international womans day. today is the hundredth international womans day, its celebrated all over the world. men are encouraged today to honor the women in their life, so men, make sure you hug your mom, or your wife, or your girlfriend. or all three. if you cant do that, then just give your secretary a patt on the ass and say 'good job, toots'. you know that in some countries womens day is an official holiday and all the men give women flowers, which is adorable. but in america, in an ironic twist of fate, womens day is the same day as another holiday: marti gras. where men give women beads in the respectful and post feminist desire to see their naked boobies.'3-07-11
+ 'i saw this headline in a scottish newspaper today', craig ferguson shares, 'thats right, leno, you are not the only one who reads the newspapers, and i get mine from scotland where the news is only two centruries old and bleek and damp- all the newspapers are in black and white, just like the rainbows! it said 'royal zoological society of scotland denies 'concealing' beavers'. wha? now i can only say this once because the cbs censor is actually here tonight: come on scotland, show us your beavers! when i was in scotland i didnt see a beaver the entire time i was there! thats why i immigrated!'3-04-11
+ 'an interesting movie comes out today', craig ferguson shares, 'it stars matt damon, its called the adjustment bureau. their slogan is 'your future has been adjusted'. i saw that poster a couple weeks ago, i was driving my new born baby back from the hospital when i saw it. 'your future has been adjusted', i'm like 'yeah!' 'waa! waa!' i'm like 'honey, shut up. you just had a baby!' thats right, i was rude to my wife- a round of applause for me! anyway, the adjustment bureau, they are marketing the movie as a 'romantic science fiction', sort of like when the matrix met sally. i think the adjustment bureau sounds dirty, it makes me think of that thing that guys do when they are sitting on the couch and their sack is stuck against their leg. its a lame title, but the movie should be good, its based on a short story by phillip k. dick. if you know anything about me, you know i love dick, i cant get enough. yup, phillip k. dick was an amazing science fiction writer is pure dick because it grows and it grows and it has an amazing climax!'* wendy booker a world traveler with MS, craig gave her the kangaroo testicles he received from carrie fisher so that wendy can bring them with her to the north pole- so they can meet santa!
3-03-11
+ 'i saw something very interesting today on the internet', craig ferguson admits, 'on msnbc's website it said that some luxury hotels are renting rooms by the hour. isnt that interesting? finally a place to go in the middle of the afternoon for a little 'room service'! and by room service i mean knockin' the boots, pullin' the jaffe, you know, poachin' the eggs, bobbing the saget. i think you know what i'm saying! 'craig, are you talking about sex?' yes i am! according to the article, swanky hotels in new york and l.a. have started renting out rooms for a few hours during the day. the hotels say it isnt just for couples, its for tired shoppers who just want to get off their feet for a couple hours. tired shoppers, eh? sure, and vasiline is for dry hands... i think this is for couples, this thing, and not for couples that are living with each other. this isnt for couples who are like 'we live in the same house, but lets go to a hotel for the afternoon', this is for affairs! its so you dont have to go out and rendezvous with french people, and do your thing in a sleazy motel. its so you dont have to go to a sleazy motel, or a car, or a dumpster behind the supermarket. well, not everyone likes to have their ass covered in used coffee grounds. besides me, of course. call me, juan valdez.'- neil patrick harris winner of the golden harmonica!
3-02-11
+ 'its a great day for the great state of texas', craig ferguson shares, 'its texas independence day! happy birthday texas! on this day 175 years ago texas said 'adios, mexico!' and became its own damn country. it did! for nine years texas was a country and then joined the united states nine years later. it also happens to be the birthday of sam heuston, who was the first president of the nation of texas. texas independence day is actually one of the two official state holidays, the other is chuck norris' birthday. you know, ive got to say 'walker, texas ranger' never made any sense to me, in a state where everyone has a gun, he is a cop armed only with karate. 'drop your shotgun, or i'll chop this wooden plank in half! and then you will never be able to finish your cabinet!' i've been to texas a bunch of times, i love it. friendly people, tons of history, great big 10 gallon hats. or as they call them in europe, 37 liter hats. the food is great there. any state where barbeque actually counts as a food group is awesome. tex mex food combines the power of barbeque with the glory of mexican food that creates a kind of superfood that cant be stopped. it is, if you can imagine, a level of fartiness hither to unknown in the universe. we should be able to harvest the fartiness. we should harness the fartiness and that would stop our dependence on forign oil! so long, saudi arabia, we've got texas fartiness to keep us going! that actually might not be a bad idea, right there...'- hugh laurie who shares this interesting fact: 'there is nothing like winning a rowing race: you are facing backwards so you are looking at the people you are beating!' also, winning the golden mouth organ!
- ariel tweto from 'flying wild alaska'
3-01-11
+ 'look, theres a lot going on today', craig ferguson states, 'a lot of things going on in the world, unrest in the middle east and north africa, theres strife with the public workers, fincancial crisis in washington, but nevermind because its national pig day! yes its true, it is! its a real day, its the day we celebrate an animal thats intelegent, adorable, and most of all, delicious! i look forward to your letters, your letters from vegitarians. i look forward to your smug joyless tofu stained letter written in beet juice. anyway, tonights show is going to be pork-tacular, we're going the whole hog, we're going to be getting piggy with it, it will be unbesqueelable! look, pig related humor caused me some inner termoil. i've been doing this show for six years now and only one joke i regret telling was about a pig. specifically george clooney's pig. he had a pet pig who passed away and he was very sad. and because i am some vulgar late night douche i made a joke about it and i wish i hadnt done it. i'm ashamed and i will never repeat the joke. which went like this: what happened is he had this pig and it died and he had it for 18 years and i said 'well of course, after a touching memorial service, everyone will be going back to clooney's house for bacon sandwiches'. i'm not proud, it was a rotten thing to say. i like pigs. some people put their money in a piggy bank, not me. i would always be tempted to break it, thats why i keep my money in a real pig cause you wouldnt be tempted to go in after it. its like 'i dont have enough money for... well, theres money in the pig. eh, doesnt matter, i'll let it go'.'dr. who convention with chris & bridger
after coming on the show numerous times talking about dr who with craig ferguson, chris hardwicke went to a dr. who convention with criag's assistant bridger. they attended gallifrey one and they brought a camera crew so they could record the whole thing! chris, who is a huge dr. who nerd, showed bridger, who knew nothing of dr. who, what the whole thing is about. along the way they talked with a bunch of people dressed up as different characters from the show, from a weeping angel to guys dressed as different doctors. after chris sends bridger into the tardis, bridger comes out dressed as the doctor and claims 'dr who is the best think ever!' ah, another convert!
2-28-11
+ after the audience applauds, craig ferguson replies 'i'm just glad the fucking oscars are over too! hurray! finally! oh, another 364 days of peace! do you know whats awesome about show business? when ever you say anything bad about the oscars people go 'oh, are you bitter?' no i'm not bitter, i just like to watch stuff on television! at least this show is crap for less money! oscars really sucked didnt they? i know i always say i dont give a rats ass about the oscars, but this year there was something about that statuesque gold man that just pulled me in. i am of course referring to mathew mcconahoney. he is very tan! i like matthew mconahoney, i think he's cool. you know he got dressed in the car on the way there. cause you can see theres like beads still sneaking out, bits on sand on him and everything. he was on the beach and his wife is like 'come on, we've got to go to the oscars!' hes like 'i feel ya baby, just one more wave'. this was supposed to be the young and hip oscar show, and i couldnt believe how relaxed and slow it was and everyone looks really old. then i realized i was watching '60 minutes'. andy rooney was giving his oscar picks 'i think these talkies are a fad'. now the oscar hosts today are getting a lot of flack, anne hathaway and james franco. i dont think its fair though, i dont think its there fault, right? james franco and anne hathaway are not comedians, they are actors. blaming them for being bad is like blaming actors for a bad movie. once they accept the job its not their fault after that, its whoever highered them. they did everything last night a professional actor should do: they hit their marks, they read their lines, they went backstage and adopted a couple foregn kids. they did what they needed to do. what i'm saying is that if you thought the oscars were boring dont blame the host, blame the guy who hired them. you know, it was probably the same guy who thought 'you know what would be a good idea? lets bring out billy crystal for three minutes in the middle of the show'. you bring out billy crystal in the middle of the oscars, thats like bringing out michael jordan in the middle of a kids basketball game. 'go on, michael, show the kids how its done! ha ha ha, thats how its done! now, back to you suckers!'. it would be like of they brought out a real host in the middle of this crap.'+ chris hardwicke stops by to help with the emails and tweets, and also to let us know how things went at the dr. who convention!
craig on sheen
wondering what craig ferguson will say about the meltdown of charlie sheen? turns out, hes not going to say anything. at the beginning of monday's show he started off with this though: "in the 18th century there was a mental hospital in london. its been there a very long time, it started as a priory in the 12th century i think. anyway, its called bedlem. what happened was in the 18th century is that people would go along and pay a penny to look through the peep holes of the cells and look a the lunatics and would laugh at them. they thought that laughing at the lunatics was fun and were willing to pay a penny for it. i think people look at that now and they think 'gosh, people were heartless and cruel back then', i dont think they were heartless and cruel, they just didnt know, they didnt know that mental illness isnt funny. so i'm looking at the charlie sheen thing unfolding and i'm thinking 'awe, man!' you see, heres what i'm thinking, i'm thinking ive done jokes about this on the show, i'll freely admit, i'm a desperate man in a tight spot and ill do whatever i can to get through an hour of bad tv every night. but i'm watching it now and i'm thinking 'nope, no. i'm stopping'. i'm starting to admit that i'm paying my penny and peeking through the hole, and i'm not comfortable with it anymore. if you are joining us tonight to see a lot of charlie sheen jokes, i'm not going to be doing any. i'm not comfortable with it. by the way, this should be a message to anybody: when a late night host goes 'actually, you know what, whooo, lets not'. then you know that maybe its time to do something about it and get some help. thats not my business, what i'm saying is this: i'm not going to do it tonight.'
2-25-11
+ 'i'm very excited because on sunday, of course, its the oscars, or academy awards if you want to get technical', craig ferguson states, 'its a special night where hollywood's biggest stars dress in hollywood's fanciest clothes and go to hollywood's crackyist neighborhood. it is, its very cracky up there. here in l.a. the oscars is like a national holiday, people spend all weekend putting on the mascara, getting the lip stick right, taping their boobies together. and the women are worse! that anual oscar joke, brought to you by t-moble. anyway, i havent seen all the best picture nominees, it was easy to see them where there were only five, now theres like twenty five or something. there's more best picture nominees than there are kardashians. i guess i could just rent the lesser known ones in a couple months, just like the kardashians! my favorite movie of last year was 'true grit'. it has three things to support it in my book: 1. its got an old guy with a bushy beard, 2. its got a girl who wont take any crap, and 3. its the only one i've seen.'2-24-11
+ 'its a great day for the american space program', craig ferguson shares, 'this afternoon the space shuttle discovery took off from cape canaveral, florida. godspeed, discovery crew. by the way, this is true, i looked this up this afternoon. you know what the area code is in cape canaveral, florida? 321! isnt that adorable? 3 2 1! 3, 2, 1, blast off! i think the phone company should give out cute area codes for everyone. like, for sesame street: 123, 420 for willie nelson's house, dick chaney's house: 666. anyway, i want to talk about the space program tonight, you know, the final frontier: space. so just to get it out of the way, lets just do it: uranus. there. anyway, right now the space shuttle discovery is on her way to the international space station. she was supposed to go last november but she wasnt ready. now, i'm saying 'she' because thats how you refer to ships, and because they take forever to get ready! hay hey hey! that was a joke. anyway, today's shuttle mission has six members on board. its great to watch it take off, but today's launch is a bit bittersweet because the space shuttle is, like everyone else in florida, at retirement age. after this flight the shuttle is retired. not retired like brett favre, it wont unretire in a few years and start taking pictures of its booster rocket, its retired! the shuttle will be dismantled and sent to the smithsonian and put on display along side other important milestones in technology like the fonzy's leather jacket.'- forest whitaker craig set up a twitter account for him, click his name to check it out!
2-23-11
+ 'its a great day for america, everybody!' craig ferguson states, 'you may say 'craig, can you back that up with any kind of evidence?' yes i can, for one thing we are not in the middle east. its another very chaotic day there. the fighting continues in libya, the low budget bond villian moumana-minana-margarie kadafi has promised to die protecting his brutal regime. just looking at him you can tell hes a guy who has a bad idea but sticks with it. anyway, last night kadafi went on the libyan tv and he talked for over an hour, we was rambling, he was incoherent, nobody was paying any attention. now he has crossed the line! that is my thing, buddy! mine! here's how bad it is, the president of iran, machmoodimadinnerjacket, has said that kadafi has violated universal human rights and must step down. let me repeat: the guy in charge of iran has said kadafi has gone too far! thats like an austrailan bartender saying you've had too much to drink. that actually happened to me! this bar maid said to me 'youve had a bit too much to drink' and i said 'how dare you!' then i stopped drinking shortly after that. well, a couple years later... anyway, in the last month the protest have toppled the regimes all over, in egypt and tunisia, and bahrain is collapsing. yeman is in chaos as well, cyria is strambling to get out of the way. today, in saudi arabia, the king announced a 37 billion dollar handout to his people and i'm thinking 'well, theres a coincidence'. the king is thinking 'maybe its time i gave out a lot of money'. 'why?' 'oh, i dont know why...' theres only one reason you hand over that much money, youve had the crap scared out of you, thats why! its a kind of 'please dont have a revolution' check. the saudi king says the 37 billion dollars are to help out the poor people of saudi arabia. i'm like 'really? saudi arabia has poor people?' yes, it does have poor people. saudi arabia takes in half a trillion dollars a year in oil revenue and the country has a population smaller than new york state. but when your system of government is 11th century monarchy, somebody is going to end up poor, and its not going to be the guy named 'king'. thats how its gonna work, i understand these things.'2-22-11
+ 'its a great day for the city of chicago', craig ferguson shares, 'today they get to choose a new mayor. it was a very close race, the results are in, so congratulations, winner. no, congratulations rahm emanuel. 'how do you know that craig?' its chicago, i called a guy last week, its rahm emanuel. until last october, rahm emanuel worked in the white house, he was president obama's chief of swearing. he is famous for being cussy, he likes to swear. if he were a late night talk show host, he would be me! if he were daytime, he would be regis. regis has got a mouth like a sailor! and thighs like a gladiator... made myself sick a little bit there. anyway, if rahm emanuel is elected mayor of chicago, he will have to keep his mouth clean. he wouldnt want to sully the otherwise spotless reputation of chicago politics. i'm saying the opposite of whats true for comedic effect. i like rahm emanuel. remember that guy rob blagojevich? he tried to sell obama's senate seat and then, i think he got impeached. i dont remember, i just remember his helmet of hair. anyway, the city of chicago has a lot of problems, but i think rahm can handle it. cause, this is true, his brother ari, ari emanuel, is my agent. aha! so the emanuel family is used to cleaning up messes!'three years
wow! its been three years since we started this website dedicated to 'the late late show with craig ferguson'! oh, how the time flies when you are having fun! it has been a blast watching craig every night and pulling out some of the gems from each episode. there have been a ton of changes since this site started: craig now wears a tie (loosely, of course), he's gotten a robot skeleton sidekick, he has started tweeting, had hundreds of guests, written a couple books, gotten an awesome snake mug, and i was even lucky enough to go see him in person! we hope you enjoy the work we've put in to this site and encourage you to check out the rest of the great stuff on this blog!
2-18-11
+ 'its friday and i'm very relieved', craig ferguson shares, 'i feel that my three week old son will probably take the weekend off from crying. they are so unreasonable at that age! i mean, i'm like 'i think we get the message, you are upset. we have done everything we can'. anyway, i'm pretty tired, so if the show sucks tonight, well, it will be because its this show, thats why it will suck. and contrary to what the warm up man may have told you, you have not won anything. there is no chocolate, no free chicken, no t shirt, no hat, no refrigerator, no beautiful model, no band, no talent- nothing! however, if you do hang around you will see effort, effort from a desperate sweaty man who just wants to make it through just like you do! i know i'm not good, but gosh darn it, i'm relateable! i know what you are thinking as well, 'craig did you just say 'gosh darn it'?' yes i did. why? because i've given up cussing. well, lets see if i make it through an entire show without cussing, for truly that would be a great day for america!'+ dj qualls stops by to help out with emails and tweets
2-17-11
+ 'its a sad day for humans', craig ferguson states, 'last night on the jeopardy show a computer defeated two of their greatest champions. it was, you know, man versus machine and the machine won. experts say they havent seen two humans beat this badly since yesterday's jerry springer! this is a big deal! never before has man been defeated by technology on a game show. except that one time backstage on 'who wants to be a millionaire?' when regis got his hand caught in a soda machine. 'give me my fresca, dammit!' you have to be smart to win jeopardy, its not like 'wheel of fortune', their contestants could be beaten by an electric razor, on jeopardy you have to be smart! anyway, they gave the computer a million bucks last night for winning. the computer spent the money the only way it knows how: hookers, blow, and motor oil. soon it will be on 'two and a half men'. anyway, ibm gave the money to charity. i find this computer fascinating, cause aparently he was programmed with millions of pages of information including dictionaries, encyclopeidas, bibles, novels, and plays. i'm thinking its just a matter of time before the computer gets hungry for some crap! 'i'm sick of shakespeare, get me that book by snookie. ha ha, i'm just kidding, she didnt really write it! ha ha ha.' some machines are very smart, but will a machine ever be able to smell a flower or experience joy? and by joy i mean joy behar.'craig ferguson as dr. who
as you know, craig ferguson is a huge 'dr. who' fan. he has often shared stories of watching the show with his father growing up, and has even had the latest actor to play dr. who, matt smith, on the show for a special 'dr. who' themed episode! well, recently an artist named blair d. shedd, who is actually the illustrator of a four issue 'dr. who' comic book from idw publishing. as a bit of an homage to a fellow dr. who fan, blair illustrated craig as the doctor himself! he even threw in one of craig's monkey puppets as a sidekick!check out more of blair's work at his website here- its pretty good!
2-16-11
+ 'its a great day if you are in to fashion, a great week if you are in to fashion', craig ferguson interjects, 'right now in new york its fashion week, which is like shark week for gay dudes. new york city has gone crazy this week for fashion week. they say that manhatten hasnt been this packed with emaciated models, bitchy men, and piles of cocaine since last week. new york city, of course, considered one of the four fashion capitals of the world. youve got new york city, paris, london, fresno. i'm just kidding, no one cares about london. anyway, fashion week makes me feel old. i dont know if its the 19 year old girls modeling the clothes, or the 24 year old designers designing the clothes, or the 12 year old chinese kids stitching the clothes, but it all seems to be about the young people. i wish i was in new york for fashion week. not for the fashion, but because its raining here in l.a. and when it rains here, i am reminded that the weather is the only thing this town has going for it. i'm telling you its true! without sun, l.a. is just fresno with bigger boobies.'+ chris hardwick stops by to help out with tweets and emails.
2-15-11
+ 'its a bit of a nerve wracking day here on the west coast', craig ferguson admits, 'mt saint helens has been rumbling again. yesterday under mt saint helens was the biggest earthquake in thirty years, it was 4.3 on the richter scale. thats huge for up there! down here in l.a. 4.3 wouldnt even make our fake boobies jiggle, but up there its big! it wouldnt even tussle justin biebers hair, it wouldnt even break lindsey lohan's necklace. alright, alleged necklace... anyway, even with the earth quake, scientists cant predict when mt. saint helens will erupt. its kind of like the oscars, everyone watches it because they know its going to blow... back in the 17th century, johannes kepler speculated that volcanos were the earths tear ducts. and it turns out he was completely fucking wrong! you know, he's remembered as an astronomer, but the man was clearly an idiot. i look forward to your letters. anyway, today scientists understand that volcanic eruptions are actually caused by underground midgets who have eaten too much mexican food. alright, that was insensitive, i'm sorry, i shouldnt have said that, i should have said 'mexican cuisine'. i look forward to your letters too. volcanic eruptions can be dangerous, but they are also quite beautiful. its rather breathtaking! seeing that magma hatching from the earth's crust, like seeing lady gaga coming out of an egg, like ricky martin coming out of a closet- its just a beautiful thing!'2-14-11
+ 'it is of course, valentines day!', craig ferguson reminds us, 'happy valentines day, everybody. now valentines day is a big deal, i dont know much about the actual saint valentine, and it turns out, nobody else does either. i'm looking it up today and theres a lot of different saint valentines. apparently saint valentine was either a spanish hermit, an italian bishop who was martyred, or a roman preist who was beheaded. because nothing says romantic love like hobos, martyrs, and beheadings! anyway, the first official valentines day was declared by king henry the 8th. oh! he was a very lovely romantic man, married six times, he was. he was the larry king of his day! actually, thats not fair, thats not true. it was the 16th centrury, so larry king was actually there... the first valentines card was sent int he 16th century from larry king to his first wife. 'you are beautiful, sexy, and classy, now kiss me before i get gassy'. anyway, king henry the 8th though, made st. valentines day a holiday. people say this is awful because he killed most of his wives. not true! he only killed 30% of them! king henry the 8th starting valentines day is like michael vick starting PETA, or like woody allen starting 'take your daughter to work day', or like mel gibson starting hanukkah- it just doesnt make sense!'craig's harmonica mouth organ
'awkard pause or mouth organ?' craig ferguson asks every night. the guests usually go for the mouth organ even though they have no idea how to play! well, do you want your own mouth organ like the one on 'the late late show with craig ferguson? find it here and practice so that if you are ever on the late late show you can impress craig with your mad playing skillz!
2-11-11
+ 'i'm very excited because A. its friday, and 2. its a big weekend at the movies', craig ferguson states, 'i like going 'a and 2' just like that. cause the new justin beaver movie... i mean bieber. its a genuine mistake, its a genuine mistake!' at which point geoff peterson says 'lesbians!' craig yells 'youre not helping! i made the genuine mistake and then you said 'lesbians', and i saw michael [the show's director] go 'aw, crap'. anyway, look. we are all excited here because the new justin bieber movie 'never say never' is coming out. now, theres another movie coming out called 'gnomeo and juliet'. now, gnomeo and juliet and justin bieber are very different of course, one is about an adorable garden gnome, and the other is 'gnomeo and juliet'. now the justin bieber movie coming out is called 'never say never', not to be confused with the james bond movie called 'never say never again'. thats the one where sean connery returned to play james bond after ten years off, and clearly he had been eating during his time away. remember that? it should have been called 'never say never to a piece of pie'. but he got in shape after that movie he just did that movie and the next movie he was back in shape. he must have watched that movie and gone 'aw crap, i've got bigger boobysh than octopushy'. in the trailer for the bieber movie when they say 'they said he'd never make it', i'm like 'the kid is 16!' how long were they telling him he was never going to make it? two weeks or something? 'you'll never make it!' two weeks later 'ha ha! that shows you with your endlessly saying i'll never make it!' anyway, i like the title of this movie, 'never say never'. its a classic example of a paradox, an inherently self contradictory statement. never say never. you cant never say never because you just said never! other examples of paradoxes are 'i always lie', or 'great story, regis', or in fact, 'cbs cares'. you know who this movie hurts the most though? the jonas brothers- forgotten! 'we wore purity rings and we remained virgins for nothing?' thats right, jonas', those purity rings turned out to be obscurity rings!'* science writer jennifer ouellette winner of the prestigious golden harmonica!
why did jennifer beals hit her boyfriend?
at the end of thursday's episode of 'the late late show with craig ferguson', the little kitty asks the question he always asks: what did we learn on the show tonight, craig? 'now listen, we learned a lot on the show tonight. i learned a lot. i learned about the problems in the gulf from our old friend jean michel. we learned about beaver creek and how it has the oldest strip club in america. we even learned that chris hilty, the sound man for this show, saw two hobos having sex in santa monica. but what we never learned is why jennifer beals hit her boyfriend with a camera. i've been doing this job for years, the first thing you should do is when someone announces something like that, you say 'wait wait wait. nevermind about the project, why did you hit your boyfriend with the damn camera?' but i didnt. man, i think this is the beginning of the end... oh wait a minute, its CBS, they dont care! no, everything's fine. although, i would like you to send me in suggestions of why you think jennifer beals hit her boyfriend with a camera! and the five best ones will win a photograph of an ostrich! cant be any more fare than that!'
if you've got any great insight or funny ideas, go ahead and email craig here!
2-10-11
+ 'its not such a great day for a congressman from new york who had to resign last night', craig ferguson shares, 'you know, its the old story: boy meets world, boy sends sexy pictures over the internet, girl sends pictures to the media, boys wife finds out. social experts refer to this as 'pulling a favre'. i love following a story like this on the news because its being reported from different angles. msnbc, that leans very far to the left, they said 'married republican trawling the internet for sex!', fox news said 'congressman displays body tones by patriotism!' the bravo network are just like 'eh, ok'. now i've heard people say 'come on craig, this guy is a politician, its not our business where he puts his pee pee'. and i agree, but he did and i checked, he voted against the repeal of 'dont ask dont tell', so he is clearly worried about where other people put their pee pees. but thats not the issue, i'm glad he resigned. not because he was trying to 'hook up' as the kids say. i am glad this guy resigned because he is clearly an idiot! i dont care about his politics or his sexual preference, this man is clearly an idiot! he doesnt know how the internet works! 'oh, i'll just put a naked picture up, what could possibly happen?' are you mad?!? what the hell is wrong with you?'2-09-11
+ 'after careful consideration, a city in indiana has decided not to name a building after a late former mayor', craig ferguson states, 'this may or may not have something to do with the man's name. which was harry baals. i am not making that up, that was his name, harry baals. harold ball, obviously, but he was known as harry baals. when they reached his family for comment, the apparently got pretty testy. they got testy, they though the policy was nuts. someone should get sacked.'-> cat cora
lex shrapnel
while talking with emily blunt on the show, craig ferguson asks her if she has ever done any shakespeare. she says she has and was actually in 'romeo and juliet'. craig asks her who played romeo and she said that it was a guy named lex shrapnel. craig goes nuts, stating that that is the greatest name he has ever heard! he then vows to have lex shrapnel on the show some time. after the guests are gone and craig comes back for the closing segment of the show, he says 'so anyway, we found online a picture of lex shrapnel, the actor who played romeo with emily blunt. lex shrapnel, the man with the best name in show business. i know what you are thinking, 'criag, you are mocking'. no, i am not mocking at all. this is only the beginning. in the future, when people are gathered around campfires, they will say 'do you remember lex shrapnel movies? they began around 2011, thats when they really began to kick in. how did lex ever become the enormous super mega star action hero that he became?' i'll tell you why, because tonight one man was willing to stand up and say 'i am here for you, lex shrapnel!'. we will bring you over from whatever god forsaken european country you are in and you will be invited on this show, second guest probably... baby steps, lex, baby steps. but from that appearance it will grow and it will grow, and you will become the biggest movie star in the world! and when that happens perhaps you will get me out of this fucking shit hole!!!'
2-08-11
+ 'vice president joe biden made a big announcment today, and this is amazing this', craig ferguson shares, 'when i heard it i was shocked. i was shocked they even let biden speak! biden is usually proped up in the corner of the room. he's like hannibal lecter strapped in to the thing! anyway, joe biden's big announcement was that theres a 53 billion dollar spending plan for building a new train system. its no big surprise because when ever biden says anything its usually about trains, hes like 'ah! take the train to work! trains! i love trains! i wish i was a train! trains! trains! trains!'. he loves trains, is what i'm saying. he loves trains like garfield loves lazagnia, like larry king loves wedding cake, like bret favre loves his iphone, like oprah's half sister loves being oprah's half sister! maybe he even loves trains like i love my pet ferrets. 53 billion dollars though is a lot to spend on trains. to ofset the cost, they are planning on raising the price of a train ticket to 53 billion dollars. to be honest i'm not sure the government should be spending that much on building trains. you know what they should do? just spend 53 billion dollars on just one train! a train that shoots flames out of its ass! does a train have an ass? well, for 53 billion it can! yes! biden says the trains wont be ordinary, they will be fancy like european trains. these trains will be super trians, they will travel at 250 miles an hour! but the critics are saying the spending plan is too ambitious, it cannot be done! but every day america shows us that nothing is impossible in this country. need i remind you all: snookie wrote a book!'* egyptologist kara cooney
liam james ferguson
'do i look tired to you?' craig ferguson asks, 'this is the most i've slept in the past week. i'm sleeping right now. i'm very happy though, on january 31st, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby boy: liam james ferguson. thank you very much'. the crowd applauds. 'and i was there. i was right there, like the whole thing. i saw the whole thing, i was at the pointy end. right there. i was right there for the very absolute... oh. anyway, the good news is liam was 8 pounds, and 21 inches long. and that apparently, makes him a genius, which he is of course. now i've got two sons. now i just need a couple hundred more, and we will take over the world! look, i know this show can be a little dodgy sometimes, but tonight, i think it could be really bad. now, the good news is, i couldnt give a rats ass. i'm just trying to be purposefully worse than usual so the audience will be quite and i can get some rest. he's a very good baby, but he is a baby and he follows baby rules: aghh! and he does not respond to debate!'
2-07-11
+ 'its official, yesterday's super bowl was the most watched tv program in history', craig ferguson exclaims, 'take that soccer! take that moon landing! anyway, congratulations to the green bay packers who beat the steelers 31 to 25. it shouldnt have been that close, but green bay's recievers dropped 8 passes. now, football fans havent seen that many mishandled balls since texts from bret favre. did you notice yesterday there were no cheerleaders, cause neither the packers nor the steelers use cheerleaders. thats because they are old school, you know, smash mouth football teams, they dont have time for that spandex crap. and because its too damn cold in pittsburg and green bay. cheerleaders arent going to dance around in a blizzard in those little skirts. those things that they shake would freeze, and so would their pomp pomps. i watched the super bowl at home. i thought about going, there's a super bowl party every year at the talk show late night talk show club house, but it gets a little weird. i went there last year and jay leno was looking for something to cut the cake and conan said 'why dont you use the knife you left in my back'. awkward! awkward! anyway, the packers of course, are celebrating by going to disney world. i'm surprised that disney still does that, especially since michael vick is back in football. you know who is going to be worried about that? goofy!'+ dominic monaghan stops by to help out with the tweets and emails
2-04-11
+ 'its a great day for me because i just got my tickets for the ren fair this weekend', craig ferguson shares, 'im genuinely excited. before you judge me, understand i'm going for two reasons: 1. ren fairs hearken back to a simpler time of chivalry and honor, and B. boobies! yes! people at ren fairs ware those corsets that smoosh their boobies together! women do it too! ren fair of course, is short for renaissance fair. as far as i'm concerned, there are two types of people in this world: those who love ren fairs, and bastards. i got six tickets for the ren fair this weekend, one for me and five for my ferrets. they are very excited, i made them little outfits and everything. i'm not going to tell you what ren fair i'm going to because i dont want any weirdos to show up... cause the last thing you want at a ren fair is weirdos! know what i mean? guys with the hats and the bell tipped shoes and all that. although i admit i do love dressing as a jester. i love wearing the bell tipped shoes which are very comfy, more comfy than wearing the bell tipped underwear. with my bell tipped shoes everyone can hear me coming, with my bell tipped underwear... classy show tonight i've noticed'.2-03-11
+ 'it is a big day for china', craig ferguson informs, 'its the chinese new year today. look, if you thought thanksgiving was a bad day to travel, its nothing compared to chinese new year. its a huge day for travel in china is what i'm saying. 230 million people in china will travel for the new year. 230 million, thats a lot of people, thats like 1 percent of the population. anyway, today is the beginning of a new year, its the year of the rabbit. its the year of the rabbit, so everyone start humping! i love the fact that this year is named after the animal best known for having a lot of sex because last year was actually the year of the tiger. 'was that a tiger woods joke, craig?' might have been. i was born in 1962, which was also the year of the tiger, but it doesnt make sense because i was raised by a pack of wild ferrets. anyway, i'm glad its the year of the rabbit. i think its going to be the bestest rabbit year ever! some people think rabbits are rodents, because they look a bit rodenty, but they are not. they are a different species, theyre bigger, they have bigger teeth, and they poop a lot more. its kind of like how kloe is different from the rest of the kardashians...'2-02-11
+ 'its groundhog's day today', craig ferguon states, 'its on this day that the people of pennsylvania force a groundhog out of its lair and then if the groundhog bursts into flames, it means global warming is closer than we think. no, if the groundhog sees his shadow, it means six more weeks of winter. if he doesnt, everyone can put on their bikinis and show off there boobies. you too ladies. i love that movie 'groundhog's day' though. its one of those movies thats so entertaining you dont realize that it claims a deep spiritual message, like 'its a wonderful life', or 'busty cops 3'. busty cops 1 and 2 are so superficial. what i'm saying is the movie groundhog's day is a great metaphor because bill murrey is forced to live the same crappy day over and over and over again. he has to live the same day over and over again until he changes his self destructive habits. its not very hard for me to relate to that...'2-01-11
+ 'welcome to the show tonight', craig ferguson welcomes, 'today is of course the first day of black history month. i want to talk about about that tonight. i know what you are thinking, 'craig! you are not black!' right, i'm not. if you noticed, then the lighting in this studio is getting better. i am not black, of course, but i am an american. and so i think its kind of important. people say 'craig, you cant do a show about black history month, what do you know about black history?' nothing! thats why i need to do a show about black history! see, a few years ago i became a citizen of this country, it was a very proud and patriotic moment for me. and i'm still proud and patriotic, i'm very happy to be an amercian. however, in an attempt to know my country better and be a better amercian, i studied our nations history a little bit. not as much as you guys, you did it in school, i just did a little bit. but of course, as i read about our nation's history, its not just all flags and singing. dr. cornel west wrote, and i quote, 'black people have never had the luxury to believe in the innocence of america. although we have experienced the worst of america, we still believe that the best of america can emerge'. now, how could i, as an american, not want the best of america to emerge. so, there will be no robot and no dancing horse. they will be back later. listen, i do the robot and the dancing horse every night. see this is kind of like a little sandbox, this show. one of the advantages of being on a show that the network doesnt actually know is broadcast is that you can do what you want. and every now and again, i can do whatever i want, and tonight i want to do a show about the history of the black people in america.'1000th elton john joke
craig ferguson, well known for recycling jokes, has reached a new milestone! whenever there is a chance to make a joke about a gay party, he always throws in a comment about a party at elton john's house. well, he finally told his 1000th joke about elton john! and here it is for all to enjoy: 'i love the ball pit at chucky cheese. i dont know why, all those balls rubbing against each other. i like the ball pit, it reminds me of a party at elton john's house'. at which point the banner comes up '1000th elton john joke'. congratulations, craig! what an amazing legacy you have left behind for future late night talk show hosts to marvel over...
1-31-11
+ 'its a great day for me because rachael ray is here', craig ferguson shares, 'rachel ray is to cooking what i am to bedazzling. i am a black belt in bedazzling, it clashed with my shoes until i bedazzled it. rachael ray does a million different tv shows. she is the female ryan seacrest. wait, ryan seacrest is probably the female seacrest. take that, ryan seacrest, i dont know you, i dont really have any opinions about you, but i'm not above using you for a cheap joke! now, a couple years ago i was on rachel ray's show and i gave her my secret recepie for mashed potatoes. add an egg, it makes them fluffy! im not much of a chef, but i do know how to fluff your potatoes... anyway, i'm always glad when rachel ray is here because she's not afraid to get messy. it must not be easy to not put on weight when you are a cook, unless of course you are cooking meth. then the pounds just melt away! starting with your teeth. i'm trying to remember the last guest who cooked for me, i think it was william shatner. it wasnt on the show, it was after the show, just the two of us. i devoured a big ham. and then he cooked me dinner.'bradley laise
bradley laise, a regular on 'the late late show with craig ferguson', stoped by the show tonight as a member of the audience. he regularly appears on some of the show's skits with craig. he is the little person who often accompanies craig in skits ranging from secretariat to 'access extratainment tonight with barney slash and john tesh'. craig calls him down and interviews him during the two minute segment at the start of the show.'please state your name', craig grills him.
'bradley lace' he replies.
'if you are who you say you are', craig states, 'you appear on many of the sketches on this show, dont you bradley?'
'i do' bradley responds.
'when i came out to talk to the audience this evening, bradley lace, if thats who you say you are. which, it is who you say you are, but if is it who you are who you are. how come you are in the audience when you work here, bradley?' craig asks.
'because i got my arm twisted to come here' bradley responds.
'by whom, bradley?' craig asks.
'there's a cute blond in the front row there' bradley admits.
'you mean the one sitting next to your wife?' craig jokes, 'is this your passive aggressive way of saying we havent done many sketches recently?'
'well, it has been a while, buddy' bradley admits.
'i know what we can do. lets ask ourselves a question bradley', craig states, 'lets ask ourselves: who's that at the door?!?' then the two of them dance as secretariat comes out!
1-28-11
+ 'theres a movie opening today called the mechanic', craig ferguson shares, 'according to the movie, 'the mechanic' is code of a hitman. finally! at last a movie about a hitman! i havent seen a movie about a hitman since 'salt', that was actually about a hitwoman i suppose, so that was quite different, a hitman in 'the american', 'red', 'wanted', 'mr and mrs smith', 'kill bill', 'kill bill 2', collateral', 'the whole nine yards', 'the whole nine yards 2', 'the professional', 'pulp fiction', 'the borne identity', 'the borne supremacy', 'the borne ultimatum'. perhaps theres more. yes, there are more. you know what one i liked was 'assassins', in the 1990's. it stared antonio bandaras and silvester stalone. antonio bandaras has a castilian accent so he would say 'i am an athathin! i am an athathin and tho ith my costhar thelvethter thtalone'. for some reason the hitman is one of those movie characters that people just love. it never gets old. you know, youve got the hitman, the down on his luck prize fighter, youve got the hooker with the heart of gold. which, in real life you would have an easier time finding the lock ness monster than a hooker with a heart of gold. i look forward to your letters, nessie.'1-27-11
+ 'very crazy goings-on in egypt right now', craig ferguson informs, 'thousands of young people in the street protesting, they are very angry. i dont know what its about, but it might have something to do with that there has never been a free election in the six thousand year history of egypt. you know, if you dont have a free election, sooner or later the kids are going to get mad at you! it could be the fact that they are ruled by a regime that everyone agrees is a bit torturey. or it could be that the streets of chiro are so crowded that you cant walk like an egyptian. you cant walk like an egyptian, you have to walk like a canadian. 'sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry'. 'craig', i hear you say, 'craig, these protests in egypt, are they related to what happened in tunisia?' i dont know. i dont know if they are. i dont have time to keep up on current events, not when i've got a tivo full of 'the real housewives of beverly hills'! those are some crazy bitches right there. i do know one thing though, two weeks ago thousands of tunisians poored onto the streets to demand that the dictator to get his ass out. and then to everyone's surprise, he did! no one has seen such a hated figure leave his homeland peacefully since i left scotland all those years ago. anyway, the egyptian protests are huge, its a big chance for the middle east. for once the people in the streets are not beardy old fundamentalists hell bent of overthrowing america's only alli in the region, they are pro western pro ipod, they are cool young people hell bent on overthrowing america's only ally in the region. now, ive never been to egypt. the closest ive ever gotten is the luxor hotel and casino in las vegas. which in many ways, lets be honest, is better than the real egypt. come on, its got carrot top six nights a week! six thousand years of civilization bested by a man with a trunk full of prop gags and a dream.'
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