+ 'its st. patricks day!' craig ferguson announces, 'if you are up this late and you are the kind of person who celebrates st. patricks day, go ahead! 'thanks craig, we were waiting on your permission'. as we all know, of course, st. patricks day is named after st. patrick. according to the legend he drove the snakes out of ireland, which made him a hero to everyone in ireland, except for the one irish guy who made his living as a snake charmer. thats right, the irish snake charmer shamis mcvenom. 'damn you, st partrick, ye ruined me business. i was doin great and then i'm blowing my little tootie and nothin's coming out of the basket!' anyway, anthropologists are now saying that driving the snakes out of ireland is probably a metaphor of driving the pagan ideology. personally, i think pagan ideology is a metaphor for penises! 'craig, what are you basing that on?' it begins with a p! people all over america are going to be celebrating st. patricks day, each city does it a little differently. in new york they have the green fireworks, in boston they light up the skyline with the green lights, and here in l.a. they have the green cocaine. los angelas celebrates holidays with lots of different ethnic groups, we've got everything here: cinco de mio, we've got the chinese new year, we have all kardashian eve. on st. particks day in chicago they dye the chicago river green. the chicago river is green on one other day of the year, the day oprah washes her money. one st. patricks day tradition i hate is that you are supposed to pinch anyone not wearing green. you've got to be careful with that, i tried that once and cbs made me watch the sexual harassment video again. admittedly, when i did it it wasnt st. patricks day and i was nude. but still, cant andy rooney take a joke?'