+ 'vice president joe biden made a big announcment today, and this is amazing this', craig ferguson shares, 'when i heard it i was shocked. i was shocked they even let biden speak! biden is usually proped up in the corner of the room. he's like hannibal lecter strapped in to the thing! anyway, joe biden's big announcement was that theres a 53 billion dollar spending plan for building a new train system. its no big surprise because when ever biden says anything its usually about trains, hes like 'ah! take the train to work! trains! i love trains! i wish i was a train! trains! trains! trains!'. he loves trains, is what i'm saying. he loves trains like garfield loves lazagnia, like larry king loves wedding cake, like bret favre loves his iphone, like oprah's half sister loves being oprah's half sister! maybe he even loves trains like i love my pet ferrets. 53 billion dollars though is a lot to spend on trains. to ofset the cost, they are planning on raising the price of a train ticket to 53 billion dollars. to be honest i'm not sure the government should be spending that much on building trains. you know what they should do? just spend 53 billion dollars on just one train! a train that shoots flames out of its ass! does a train have an ass? well, for 53 billion it can! yes! biden says the trains wont be ordinary, they will be fancy like european trains. these trains will be super trians, they will travel at 250 miles an hour! but the critics are saying the spending plan is too ambitious, it cannot be done! but every day america shows us that nothing is impossible in this country. need i remind you all: snookie wrote a book!'
* egyptologist kara cooney

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