2-11-11

+ 'i'm very excited because A. its friday, and 2. its a big weekend at the movies', craig ferguson states, 'i like going 'a and 2' just like that. cause the new justin beaver movie... i mean bieber. its a genuine mistake, its a genuine mistake!' at which point geoff peterson says 'lesbians!' craig yells 'youre not helping! i made the genuine mistake and then you said 'lesbians', and i saw michael [the show's director] go 'aw, crap'. anyway, look. we are all excited here because the new justin bieber movie 'never say never' is coming out. now, theres another movie coming out called 'gnomeo and juliet'. now, gnomeo and juliet and justin bieber are very different of course, one is about an adorable garden gnome, and the other is 'gnomeo and juliet'. now the justin bieber movie coming out is called 'never say never', not to be confused with the james bond movie called 'never say never again'. thats the one where sean connery returned to play james bond after ten years off, and clearly he had been eating during his time away. remember that? it should have been called 'never say never to a piece of pie'. but he got in shape after that movie he just did that movie and the next movie he was back in shape. he must have watched that movie and gone 'aw crap, i've got bigger boobysh than octopushy'. in the trailer for the bieber movie when they say 'they said he'd never make it', i'm like 'the kid is 16!' how long were they telling him he was never going to make it? two weeks or something? 'you'll never make it!' two weeks later 'ha ha! that shows you with your endlessly saying i'll never make it!' anyway, i like the title of this movie, 'never say never'. its a classic example of a paradox, an inherently self contradictory statement. never say never. you cant never say never because you just said never! other examples of paradoxes are 'i always lie', or 'great story, regis', or in fact, 'cbs cares'. you know who this movie hurts the most though? the jonas brothers- forgotten! 'we wore purity rings and we remained virgins for nothing?' thats right, jonas', those purity rings turned out to be obscurity rings!'

- jason biggs

* science writer jennifer ouellette winner of the prestigious golden harmonica!