+ 'a couple of very big movies opening today', craig ferguson informs, 'the action movie 'red' with bruce willis, morgan freeman, and helen mirren. and 'jackass 3D' with johnny knoxville and that midget thats always running around in his underpants. whats the name of that midget in the underpants again? thats right, tom cruise. hey craig, knock it off! now tom cruise will never be on this show! anyway, jackass 3D and red are very different movies, of course. one has a bunch of dangerous stunts done by people who aught to know better, and the other one is jackass 3D. you know what i'd like to see? helen mirren in a jackass movie! that would be awesome! 'this one is called 'shopping cart down a hill'! please affix an alligator to my nipple'. apparently in jackass 3D the guys play tether ball with a beehive, which is awesome, unless you are the bee. then thats not a hilarious stunt, thats like a home invasion. that would be like turning my ferret hut into a whack-a-mole!'10-15-10
+ 'a couple of very big movies opening today', craig ferguson informs, 'the action movie 'red' with bruce willis, morgan freeman, and helen mirren. and 'jackass 3D' with johnny knoxville and that midget thats always running around in his underpants. whats the name of that midget in the underpants again? thats right, tom cruise. hey craig, knock it off! now tom cruise will never be on this show! anyway, jackass 3D and red are very different movies, of course. one has a bunch of dangerous stunts done by people who aught to know better, and the other one is jackass 3D. you know what i'd like to see? helen mirren in a jackass movie! that would be awesome! 'this one is called 'shopping cart down a hill'! please affix an alligator to my nipple'. apparently in jackass 3D the guys play tether ball with a beehive, which is awesome, unless you are the bee. then thats not a hilarious stunt, thats like a home invasion. that would be like turning my ferret hut into a whack-a-mole!'10-14-10
+ craig ferguson does a great monologue tonight, but the highlight was the conversation he had with geoff peterson, his robot skeleton sidekick, at the end: 'its kind of ending up on commercial break time' craig says.'breaky poo?' geoff asks.
craig asks 'breaky poo?'
'in your pants!' geoff retorts.
'hey! hey!' an exasperated craig exclaims, 'see, when i first got the skeleton out to be my sidekick i thought it would be awesome. but now he's better than me. now i'm like, thats not so great. then i think, yeah, it is kind of good, cause soon i'll be replaced by a robot and i can do what i really want to do: bedazzle!'
+ geoff peterson covers the red carpet for the movie 'red'. he gets to talk to morgan freeman, richard dreyfus, 'weird al' yankovic, bruce willis, sylvester stallone, and even gets slapped on the face from john malkovich (as per craig's request)!
- drew carrey he even somehow cons craig into donating $10,000!
craig's band
well, what do you know? looks like craig ferguson and the late late show finally got a band! now they will be just like the rest of the late night shows! well, not exactly... craig's band is a bit different, its just two guys standing over by geoff peterson, the robot skeleton sidekick. one of the guys plays the accordian and the other plays the harmonica. strange, huh? as i watched i wondered if this was just a one time only deal, or if this was going to last. craig addressed that question during his 'what have we learned on the show tonight, craig?' segment when he said: 'you know folks, things on the show tonight, some things went good, and other things we all know didnt go so good. but i, i think back to the first night a young skeleton took the reigns of the podium there, and his first night was pretty awkward too. now look at him- still shit. but we are committed, and remember that if something doesnt really work on the show, that means its going to be around for quite a while...'
10-13-10
+ 'its a great day for our friends down in chile', craig ferguson shares, 'the 33 miners from chile are back with their families. well done, chile! if you are wondering were chile is, its the long thin country in south america, its the supermodel of south american countries. the chilean miners were trapped in a gold and copper mine for two months and one of them brought up souvenir rocks as presents for the rescuers, and the rescuers were like 'thats great thanks, but wasnt there any gold ones?' the miners were 2000 feet below the earth, thats pretty far down. how far down was it, craig? they were so far down the saw the devil preparing for justin bieber! anyway, it took a few weeks to establish communication with the miners. when the miners were first contacted they asked for just one thing, the first thing they asked for was toothbrushes. thats true! but unfortunately the first team on the scene was british. they were like 'toothbrushes? oh no! they've gone insane!' the mine though, must have been pretty crowded with 33 guys down there. basically it was one big room with a few tunnels running off of it, so the guys would use the tunnels to go to exercise or use the bathroom or to practice being interviewed by oprah. you know its coming! 'youre getting a free trip to australia!' 'thanks oprah, but we've already been down under'.'
10-12-10
+ 'its a bit of a nervous day for me today actually', craig ferguson admits, 'as soon as the show is over i'm getting on a plane and going to san francisco. i'm hosting an award show. now, i've hosted award shows before, but this, this is the big one. this is the granddaddy of them all, this is the direct marketing association awards! yes, i have no idea what is, but it proves one thing: i will do anything for a dollar! i am a whore! anyway, so i did some research to understand the nature of direct marketing but after reading two sentences on wikipedia i got bored. i'll just show up and look pretty. i know a little about direct marketing, i know without it i would have no idea that there were 137 chinese restaurants in my neighborhood. the direct marketing award show will probably take forever because before you open an envelope with the winners name you have to open eight other envelopes with advertising on them. direct marketings do a lot more than mailing, of course, now a days they use text messages to excite people with their wares, kind of like brett favre...'10-11-10
+ 'it is columbus day! happy columbus day, everybody!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'it is the day of the year we pay tribute to central ohio's most exciting city. i'm sorry akron, another day for you, but today: columbus day! now, school children know about christopher columbus from the rhyme: 'in fourteen hundred ninety two columbus sailed the ocean blue'. the rest goes 'he proved the earth was not flat, he wore puffy trousers that made his ass look fat'! that is true! anyway, in columbus' time a lot of people thought the earth was flat. these people were called idiots. see, most people already knew then. columbus is credited though with discovering america, but there were many people already here before him, native americans, vikings, kardashians, balwins, andy rooney was here too. i understand the temptation to say i discovered something when there were others there before you, cause i say i 'discovered' drugs and alcohol at a young age. i didnt really 'discover' them, there were others before me there, brave men and women who vomited in the alley ways and passed out in the dumpsters before i was born. all i'm saying is that its a little odd to claim you discovered an entire country if theres already people living there. its like breaking into someones house and saying 'hey, look what i discovered! i claim this big screen tv for the queen of spain!'.'ferguson's ferrets
recently craig ferguson has shared one of his secret passions: ferrets! which i'm sure is completely true, it even says so on wikipedia, and you know you can trust anything thats on wikipedia... and to prove that love he shows off this amazing picture of his family of ferrets. also, love the peace sign earring...be sure to check out the rest of 'the scottish king' website! we've got over 500 episode summaries, email and twitter jingles, segments, and other fun stuff!
10-08-10
+ 'the waldorf historia, the big fancy hotel in new york is the latest place to be infested by bed bugs', craig ferguson shares, 'they've got the bed bugs there. and when the waldorf historia gets bed bugs they are fancy. they drink your blood, but they lift up all their pinkies. also bed bugs found this week in several government buildings in washington dc. i'm like, i cant believe they have to deal with those dirty blood sucking pests, those poor bed bugs! see what i did there? i turned it around! you were like 'craig, what are you... oh, you!'.'+ dear aquaman
10-07-10
+ 'the big news everyone is talking about, it is the forth day of nobel prize week', craig ferguson shares, 'today they gave out the nobel prize for literature, which is very exciting. it guarentees monster sales. sorry, i'm thinking about oprah, the nobel doesnt mean a thing. i was hoping to get a nobel to go to me for my book of limerics this year: 'nantucket and other places you can suck it'. but instead the nobel went to the author mario vargas llosa. congratulations mario, thats super. thats super mario... anyway, mario is from peru where he is a beloved national figure, so in peru they celebrated with a big parade around lake titicaca, you can get there by motorboat, if you fall out you can just do the breast stroke... where is the nobel prize for innuendo? how about that? anyway, i'm not sure how you can judge literature, its very subjective. for every person who likes earnest hemmingway, there is someone who thinks that hes just a boring old drunk. i look forward to your letters, your well written drunken letters that contain no adjectives. hemmingway won the nobel prize for literature in 1954, and in 1953 winston churchill won it, so after those two collected their prize, sweden was completely out of booze! 'we vill have to import more booze- call mel gibson!' 'what are you talking about? its 1954, mel gibson is just a baby in australia!' 'yes, he's just a baby, but he's a drunken antisemitic baby!'. like many people, i thought cormac macarthy was going to win, anyway he didnt win. he's a american author who writes gritty american novels, but he didnt win. as a matter of fact, in the past 20 years only one american has won the nobel prize for literature, tony morrisson. who i think was in 'the doors'... there is definately an anti american bias, but it will change next year because snookie's book is coming out.'> louis anderson this guy is surprisingly funny!
10-06-10
+ 'its nobel prize week', craig ferguson shares, 'we are very excited. weve been celebrating all week with... um... and in stokholm they are giving out the nobel prizes all week, and today is the hump day of nobel prize week. friday they are going to give out the nobel peace prize, but today they are going to give out the prize for chemistry. the nobel prize is named after a chemist, of course, its named after alfred prize. no, its alfred nobel. he was a chemist, he was a swedish chemist who invented dynamite. it seems strange to give a peace prize named after a guy who invented dynamite. its like giving the masturbation award to that woman who is running for the senate in delaware... i know what you are thinking, 'craig, there is no award for masturbation'. you are right, masturbation is its own reward. every year after the peace prize is awarded there is a special concert held in norway. usually its hosted by a dignitary or diplomat, but in 2008 it was hosted by scarlett johannson and michael caine. i know! and they both gave speeches about world peace, scarlett johannson said 'i pray for peace between nations', and michael caine said 'i wouldnt mind a piece of scarlet johannson, ding dong oh la la!'.'melt with craig
craig ferguson is back at it again! the return of the singing intro finds craig singing the modern english song 'ill stop the world and met with you'. in it craig is sporting a navy captain's jacket and a crazy blonde 'flock of seagulls' wig! wavey the crocadillio and cyd the rabbit help out, along with guntar on the guitar and random black guy on the tambourine. and just to keep things strange, adam (dressed as an astronaut) and jamie from mythbusters are there to help out as well! what chaotic, silly fun!
10-05-10
+ 'i cant believe i'm sick this week', craig ferguson exclaims, 'of all the weeks to be sick, why this one? this is the week i look forward to all year. this week is more exciting than shark week, or fashion week, or mystery meatball week at the cbs cafeteria. this week is, of course, nobel prize week! the nobel prize, of course, is the most prestigous award in the world, its even bigger then the golden globe. ugh. every day this week a different nobel prize is handed out by a mysterious shadowy group known as scandinavians. yesterday these 'scandinavians' gave out the nobel prize for medicine, today its the prize for physics, tomorrow they give out comedy/variety. i'll tell you right now its going to the daily show, it always goes to the fucking daily show! anyway, the nobel peace prize isnt announced till friday. lets be honest, thats the big one, the peace prize. its kind of like the oscar for best picture. today's award, the nobel prize for physics, its kind of like the oscar for best sound mixing, your parents might be proud, but everyone else is kind of like 'meh'. they have been giving out the nobel prize for medicine for 110 years, and during all that time no one has ever come up with something to do with the common cold, which in my present condition, is something thats important to me. i know what you are thinking, your thinking 'craig, what about 1996 when they gave the award to rolf zinkernagel for his insights into how the immune system attacks viruses' and i say no no, it was peter c. doherty who did all the work while zinkernagel sat on his fat ass. you heard me linkernagal, you lazy bastard! right now rolf zinkernagel is thinking 'what the fuck? i'm a scientist, man'. yeah, well, you'll never know when its coming, zinkernagel...'+ chris hardwicke stops by to help answer the tweets and emails. they talk about dr. who. what a surprise...
10-04-10
+ 'its a great day for america, but not such a great day for me', craig ferguson admits, 'i've got a bad head cold, its one of those that makes every other word sound like 'glahglk'! people are like 'i cant understand your accent', and tonight, neither can i! i dont know if i've got the cold or the flu, either way i'm lucky because all the gook is up in my head. the trouble is in the attic, not the basement is what i'm saying. my head feels like its going to blow up and cover everyone with confetti. i know what you are thinking 'craig, why didnt you stay home and give us a break' no! i didnt stay home because i am loyal to my viewer! and i need the money. everything sucks when youve got this flu head cold thing. driving to work sucks, singing show tunes sucks 'theres hpno business like phnowbusiness' i know i'm whining, but i feel like my face is melting. i feel like joan rivers out in the sun. yesterday i posted on the tweety, on the twitter, i posted that i was getting the flu. people have been tweeting their home remedies, the herbal ointments and breathing techniques. one guy sent me a diagram for his cure, it was fantastic, it involved using jumper cables to hook my nuts up to a car battery. so, where ever you are j. fallon, thank you! i used your cure, although i am still congested, i feel happy so i dont care! a lot of people say i should each chicken soup. ive had so much chicken soup my ass is clucking! it seems like a lot of people base their advice, their remedy advice, on old sayings like starve a fever, feed a cold, bitch slap the measles, hump the mumps... do you know that researchers say the number one place you pick up infections is door knobs, even if you wash your hands you can pick up germs from a door knob. thats why i always lick them clean before i use a door knob.'10-01-10
+ 'the big movie this weekend is the social network', craig ferguson shares, 'and everyone says its really good. you know who's in it? that great actress, she's lovely, whats her name again? oh, justin timberlake. the facebook used to be exclusive to people in college, but a couple years ago they opened it up so anyone could do it. its like late night shows. and it was used by democrates for the election, and i'm sure they will use it in 2012 too, you know, to look for jobs. its weird to me that people put private information online. people share their locations, their dinner plans, their bathroom habits. its taken all the fun out of stalking. you know, we used to make our own stalking entertainment, you had to follow people, wear a hat...'+ dear aquaman
9-30-10
+ 'today is a big day in america because today is flintstones day!' craig ferguson shares, 'yes! 50 years old today, the flintstones. congratulations and happy birthday. the flintstones are a close knit family of prehistoric cartoons. just like the jersey shore. the flintstones used the first eco friendly car- powered by feet. anyway, it was 50 years ago today that the flintstones premiered on tv, its a long time. you can tell fred is getting older, the worst part now is that on the flintstones for a prostate exam a doctor uses a triceratops. whenever i think of the flintstones i think of the theme song. in the last line of that song they sing 'we'll have a gay old time'. thats back when gay meant having fun. as apposed to now when it means really having fun! anyway, the flintstones was a groundbreaking show. why? it gave us flintstones vitamins. nothing screams good health like a tablet in the shape of an overweight caveman! the real reason the show was groundbreaking is because of fred and wilma. this is true, fred and wilma were the first couple shown in bed together in prime time tv. its true, before the flintstones, men and women on tv slept in separate beds. they would do that closed mouth kissing thing they used to show, then they would go to the bedroom, take their clothes off and sit in their underwear on separate beds. 'i'm really going to read to you tonight, margret!'.'9-29-10
+ 'its not such a great day for christine odonnell', craig ferguson admits, 'she's the woman who's running for senate in deleware, the one who has dabbled in witchcraft and doesnt believe in masturbation. oh yeah, nothing like a little crazy to spice up an otherwise boring election season. you know, if you are in the kind of job i'm in, this woman comes along and you are like 'oh thank you!' cause to be honest, i'm not really in to politics unless a candidate like this comes around. christine is busy making campain appearances, and today she is in hot water. she was caught lying about her educational background. she may not believe in pleasuring herself, but she thought her resume needed 'massaging'. what happened, until last week it said in her online profile that she attended oxford university, which is of course one of the most prestigious colleges on earth. steven hawking teaches at oxford, its where rhodes scholars go. now, oxford was founded back in the year 1096 by a group of extremely smart oxen. the truth is, she didnt go to oxford university. which is a shame, because oxford rugby team are called the fighting masturbaters. thats their nickname because they always choke. no, thats not true. she didnt go to oxford, it turns out she took a class from the pheonix institute who happened to be renting a classroom at oxford. thats not the same, its like saying that you are a tv star when really you are just on cbs in the middle of the damn night!'9-28-10
+ 'you know what happened in florida?' craig ferguson asks, 'a three year old boy showed up at preschool with 20 ounces of pot! i know! the florida school board was outraged, but the boy's teacher was like 'hey, it beat the hell out of an apple'. do you remember christin odonnell, the deleware woman who is running for the senate, she believes that masturbation should be outlawed, it turns out that she also doesnt believe in evolution. she asked the question, and i quote, 'why arent monkeys still evolving into humans?' it doesnt happen that fast. its not like nascar. its a little slower. and also monkeys are not turning into humans because they are too busy masturbating! do you know in kansas a delivery truck carrying ten thousand snack cakes was stolen. police are looking for that three year old boy from florida... hey hey! that was a joke right there!'- david boreanaz (yes, they did actually kiss...)
9-27-10
+ 'its a great day on sesame street today', craig ferguson tells, 'the iconic childrens show started its 41st season. its offically 41 years old today, congratulations, sesame street. the cookie monster is going to have to switch to the low carb diet, today he sang 'c is for colonoscopy'. sesame street started back in 1969. it was very different back then, grover smoked weed, burt was a hari krisha, big bird went around cracking hippie skulls. my favorite character is oscar the grouch. he's a grouch, but lovable. i relate to oscar, he lives in a trash can, and i spent the 1980's in a dumpster. but whenever i see oscar i worry that the garbage man will accidentally empty him into the truck and crush him to death. i have the same worry about randy quaid. anyway, this show i think is a little bit like sesame street, we both appeal to 7 year olds, we both have puppets. sesame street though, is brought to you by letters of the alphabet, and this show is brought to you by the sham-wow and boner pills.'geoff peterson on the red carpet
craig ferguson's skeleton robot sidekick geoff peterson landed a great gig: interviewing celebrities on the red carpet! he went out and talked to all the famous people at the 'you again' premiere, including kristen bell, sigorney weaver, jamie lee curtis, victor garber, tommy davidson, almost made out with cloris leachman, and talked to betty white! it was a constant barrage of 'in your pants jokes' and having the celebrities sign his funny bone. many of the celebrities looked quite clueless about what exactly was going on, except for 'late late show' regular kristen bell who once again warned geoff that she is after his job!
9-24-10
+ 'i'm very excited cause its friday, and the big movie out, i've been waiting for it all year', craig ferguson shares, 'legend of the guardians is out. you know, the big owly movie, the owls of gahooliehoolieo or something. oh boy, thats a bit of a mouthful for the title. they should just call it 'owls in 3D, bitch!'. these arent your fathers weak ass 2 dimensional owls, they are 3D owls! it will seem like owls are diving right at your face! if i wanted that i would just glue a mouse to my forehead. actually, i might do that, i've got a slow weekend ahead. the movie is based on a series of kids books about owls. a real kids book by a real writer, not a celebrity who slaps their name on a book. like madonna wrote a book called 'mr. peabody's apples', kathy lee gifford i think wrote a kids book called 'party animals', even jay leno wrote a kids book. what was it called again? oh, i think it was 'goodnight conan'. now i dont know why it took hollywood this long to make a movie about owls because owls are awesome. they are! they are very interesting creatures, they've got tiny bodies and giant heads and they vomit out little furry pellets. they are exactly like the cast of desperate housewives. you can tell owl species apart by its hoots actually. a barn owl goes 'hooo' just like that, and a pottery barn owl goes 'hoo hoo moved the scented candles?' ive been thinking about owls lately, i have. next summer the winnie the pooh movie comes out and in it i do the voice of owl! it will be awesome. i was very excited to get the part, the minute i got the part i started gluing feathers onto my body and then i learned i was only doing the voice. but i kept on gluing because i look good in feathers. i'm glad i didnt get cast as pooh...'+ geoff peterson shows off his interviewing skills by going to the red carpet of 'you again' and interviewing the celebrities
9-23-10
+ 'a las vegas landmark, more beloved than cher, is closing down', craig ferguson shares, 'the liberace museum is closing after 31 years. i notice that the audience is like 'huh?' and thats probably why its closing down! its closing down because of poor attendance. in this tough economy so many great museums are closing down, the mel gibson museum of tolerance, the arizona museum of mexican history... thats all i got. i actually love the liberace museum, so screw you guys! i've been there a few times. its closing on october the 17th, so make your travel plans accordingly. i loved liberace, he was all about glitz and glammer and putting on a good show- he was the polar opposite of me! now if you dont know liberace he was a world renowned pianist. he did more than just play the piano, he was an entertainer, a recording artist, a tv star. he was the steven tyler of his day, except he was more macho. he was the lady gaga of his day. its sad to hear about the liberace museum is closed. when ever i go to vegas i go there to hear his music, reflect on his life, get ideas for outfits! everything liberace owned was covered in sequins and rhinestones and glisteny things. there were a lot of rumors about liberace though, one of them is that he had his right hand surgically removed and replaced with a bedazzler. i dont think that one was true... when liberace was alive there were rumors that he might be gay. i dont know if it was true, but he might have been gay. you know in the 1950's a newspaper in england implied that liberace was gay and he sued them. and he won! that newspaper must have had the worst lawyers ever!'+ paparazzi betty white stops by inform craig of the new photographer laws.
- jon hamm
michael caine in a spaceship
on the special episode of 'the late late show with craig ferguson' dedicated to 'big bang theory', craig and the stars of big bang theory had a ton of fun doing a sketch about space travel. the premise was that michael caine had been cryogenicly frozen until the year 3000 and was awoken on a space ship. craig ferguson did his usual hilarious michael caine impression and the other guys played it straight. it was pretty good, though it lasted about a minute too long...
big craig theory
during the special episode devoted to the cast of 'big bang theory', craig ferguson started off the show with a skit on the set of big bang theory! he was in the living room with all the four guys from the show, all in character, as they grilled him in an interview to see if he gets to be their new friend. it was a really funny big where sheldon asks craig a bunch of questions to see if he is nerdy enough to be accepted, questions ranged from star wars knowledge to listing all the stretchy superheroes! craig doesnt end up fairing so well and is asked to leave. he leaves saying 'see you guys in a few minutes on the show'.one of the funniest back and forths with the guys was this:
leonard asks 'so craig, what do you do for a living?'
craig replies 'i host the late late show with craig ferguson.'
'i see. and what time is that on?'
'12:37 am'
sheldon then asks 'given that am stands for anti meridian, wouldnt it more logically be called 'the early early show with craig ferguson'?'
'i dont know' craig answers
'the answer is yes. minus eight points'
'i didnt know there was going be a test!' craig exclaims
leonard chimes in 'then you're really not going to like the physical...'
9-22-10
+ the show starts off with craig ferguson on the set of 'big bang theory' trying to become friends with the guys.+ 'tonight is big bang theory night!' criag ferguson exclaims, 'we've got everybody, weve got jim parsons is here, johnny galicki is here, simon helber is here, kunal nayyar is here. kaley couco wont be joining us today, i'm sorry. she broke her leg. anyway, if youve spent the past few years in a cave and dont know the big bang theory, let me explain it to you. not the show, the theory. the theory is very simple really, about 14 million years ago there was a bang. and it was really big. basically the idea behind it is that we are living in an explosion. we are in a constantly expanding universe, its like we are living in a giant explosion. its as if the entire universe were contained in larry king's pants. the big bang theory of the universe is very controversial when it came out. albert einstein didnt believe it at first. he said the universe has been the same size forever. he eventually saw the error of his ways and called it 'the biggest blunder of his life'. i'm like 'really?' thats the biggest blunder? you disagreed with a couple scientists for a while? you never drunk dialed an ex girlfriend? 'hey, this is albert, how you doing? this is a booty call, can i come over and split your atom?' anyway, the guys from the big bang theory are here today!'
+ jim parsons stops by to help answer the tweets and emails
+ michael caine in space. the idea is expanded on and michael caine is on a space ship with simon helberg and kunal nayyar from 'big bang theory'.
9-21-10
+ 'its a great day for us here at cbs', craig ferguson admits, 'last night the premiere of hawaii 5-0, it was huge! the rating came in today and 13.8 million people watched it. to get an idea of how many people that is, take the number of people who watch this show, add 13.8 million, and right there! now here is what happens with rating information: the networks have teams of guy in suits, they are sort of like magical nerds. their job is to take the numbers and make them sound good no matter what they are. the magical nerds then break down the ratings into demographics, they are like this: hawaii 5-0 did well with men aged 18-24 and women aged 24-49, but it did poorly with babies 0-1 and geezers 118-128. it really gets that specific, really. i mean, this show apparently does really great with certain demographics, people in federal prisons love this show, its true, the prisoners feel a sense of kinship with me in this tiny little dark cell with a skinny gay dude hitting on me most of the time, geoff peterson! we dont do well with other demographics like, um, pirates. we dont do well with pirates. 'i go to bed early and i dont have a d.v.arrrr'.'9-20-10
+ 'its not such a great day for christine o'donnell', craig ferguson shares, 'you know, thats the lady thats running for the senate in delaware. shes against gay rights, masturbation, and everything else i hold dear. now the republicans are turning on her a little bit, some of them are withdrawing their support after she admitted she had dabbled in witchcraft. i'm thinking thats taken out of context. i dont think she's really a witch, i dont think thats what happened. she's against masturbation, right? and she got caught straddling a broomstick, like that. while she was on the broomstick they said 'i thought you were against masturbation?' 'yeah, i'm a witch!' now sarah palin tweeted a warning to christine o'donnell, she said that the national media is seeking your destruction. that is ridiculous. if the media wanted to destroy her, they would just douse her with water! 'i'm melting!' i mean this in all seriousness, i like this woman. i like her a lot. you are not the boss of me, dont give those judgey stares! i think she's good looking, i think she's hilarious... i havent had this much fun since chaney was in office! i was getting bored, i'm like 'yeah, finally!' she doesnt just do the witchy stuff, this weekend she said hollywood needs to reevaluate what they are doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extra marital affairs. have fun in congress!'9-17-10
+ 'its friday and that means there are some big movies coming out', craig ferguson reminds us, 'the movie that really intrigues me this weekend is 'easy a'. its a comedy about a high school girl who gets branded as 'easy' by her classmates. its based on nathanial hawthorne's 1850 novel 'the scarlet letter', because nothing says box office magic like a hundred and sixty year old novel by an angry new england moralist! well, if you watch the commercials for the movie you wont see anything about it being based on a massive work of american literature. the kids dont want to learn anything in movies! except maybe that vampires have feelings too... i mean, i dont know how long that shit is going to go on. when will it end? i mean, i dont want to get on your case, young folks of america, but couldnt we have a bit of rebellion or something? please! anyway, when they update the old movies, old movies like this from books, old things, stories... you know what i mean: when they have to update it. it was set in 1850 but things are different now, they have to account for technology. it doesnt have the same weight, its like if they updated romeo and juliet, romeo has to tweet his love for juliet 'omg, parents think you are a whore lmao!'. thats what i mean. now, i know what you are thinking: 'why do the studios make movies out of the old books, craig?', i hear you say quietly. i'll tell you why: old novels like the scarlet letter are in public domain, there is no copywright, they are free, they can use the story free. they are as free as the cds in starbucks. they are free, right?'* tim gunn
9-16-10
+ before the show, craig ferguson gives some acting advice to his new fellow cbs star william shatner!+ 'its a great day for mexico because today is mexican independence day! or as its known in arizona, thursday. i know what you are thinking, 'isnt mexican Independence day on cinco de mayo?' wrong! or as they say in mexico: wrongo! have i pissed off just about everyone today? i have havent i? anyway, cinco de mayo celebrates a mexican victory in a mexican battle that happened fifty years after the mexican independence. today is mexicos bicentennial. 200 years old. you still look good mexico, your maracas are still perky! i'm 48 and mine are starting to sag! anyway, look, congratulations mexico, two centuries free of spanish domination. now some people think spanish rule couldnt have been that bad because spanish people talk with lisps. its true, in mexican spanish you pronounce the 's', but in catilian spanish they pronounce the 's' with a lisp. 'thurender or fath the conthiquenthes!' people in l.a. were flying mexican flags all over today. the mexican flag is almost identical to the italian flag, both go red, white, green. the way you can tell a difference is the mexican flag has a coat of arms on it, and the italian flag just has hands going 'whas a come and a go!'.'
+ william shatner (things got really weird, as you can tell from the photo...)
9-15-10
+ 'if i have an extra spring in my step today its because i'm excited', craig ferguson admits, 'very excited. and i'm on cocaine. no. its alright though, its someone elses cocaine. no, i'm not, i'm just excited. i'm genuinely excited, because i've been waiting for this all year, people magazine released its best dressed list and i'm on it!' craig then shows a picture of a beautiful woman with craig's head posted on. 'i know on the picture my head looks a little too big for my body, but thats because i have the bolemia. thats what we believe out here in l.a., small head, big body, and the smell of vomit. we're a little dark tonight, isnt this? ah, what can you do? people magazine also put out their worst dressed list. i'm surprised i wasnt really on that, cause i thought the used car salesman look is in this year... i dont pick these suits out, they are left over from bob barker, i've told you that. and when i got them the pockets were filled with moth balls. at least i hope they were both balls, bob barker is really into neutering dogs, so...'9-14-10
+ 'its a big day in politics, of course', craig ferguson explains, 'the primary elections in seven states, people are going to the polls and casting their votes and everyone is talking about the same thing, this: scientists find that bats have regional accents. never mind the polls! who gives a rats ass about that stuff! democracy? bah! bats have accents! i've always wondered. today australian scientists have announced that they finally answered the age old question 'do bats have accents?' yes they do, of course. bats are small mammals, basically they are just big eared flying squirrels, but they are not as cute as squirrels and they dont hide their nuts for the winter. i hide my nuts in wooley speedoes. by the way, wooley speedoes is a new nascar driver... its a hell of a year though for australian scientists. last week they discovered tractor beams, and now they found out bats have accents. is there anything australian scientists cant do? 'right now we are trying to train dingos to protect babies! its not going that well right now...'.'- kristen bell wearing a moustache! and even sticks around to help out with the emails
cooking with sean connery
looks like they found another funny way to take advantage of craig ferguson's great sean connery accent- this time its on a cooking show!'if you are going to make a delicious zucchini bread, the first thing you are going to need is a ripe zucchini' sean connery says. his lovely assistant hands him the zucchini. 'i asked for a zucchini, not the vibrator'.
'that is the zucchini' she says.
'oh. we probably shouldnt use this one...'
9-13-10
+ 'its a great day for me because i just got back from san francisco' craig ferguson shares, 'i was in san francisco this weekend and i spend the weekend doing all the things san francisco is known for... well, not all of them! i went on the cable cars, i ate in terrific restaurants, i sucked in the crisp scent of alcatraz. call me, al catraz. know i know why they call him the rock! i barely escaped him. i was in san francisco because i was doing stand up comedy, cause i need a second job- this is cbs... on saturday i hung out with adam savage from mythbusters, he lives up there. he knows all about the mean streets of san francisco, the long windy streets paved with tofu and rice a roni. priuses as far as the eye can see! adam took me to a restaurant called 'foreign cinema' which is fantastic! they play movies while you eat. its like a combination of restaurant and drive in movie. it was like i was watching tv at home, except you cant take your pants off. i found out the hard way. i was like 'come on, its san francisco!' and they are like 'it is san francisco, but people are eating, fatty. if you want to take your pants off you can do some squats first, mister!'.'+ cooking with sean connery
+ dear aquaman, featuring tim gunn
9-10-10
+ 'what i'm looking forward to this week is sunday', craig ferguson shares, 'because sunday is grandparents day. i'm very excited about this, its the day we celebrate the old folks. or as cbs calls it, sweeps. i know i'm a few days early, but lets hear it for grandparents! i said, LETS HEAR IT FOR GRANDPARENTS! everyone please call your grandparents this weekend, so they cant complain that their grandkids dont call. that can be a problem. but there is usually blame on both sides, a lot of grandkids call their grandparents but the grandparents answer the blender! 'hello? what? stop yelling, robot man!' grandparents day actually became officially recognized in the 70's. now, it would be easy to dismiss grandparents day as one of those fake holidays like second cousins day, or landscape professionals day, or valentines day. thats right, i said it- valentines day is a scam! cupid doesnt care about you, hes a little diaper wearing bitch! there i said it! anyway, it would be easy to dismiss grandparents day, but that would be wrong. grandparents are america's most precious natural resource. well, gold, gold is probably. and then oil. and then forests. large areas of agricultural farmland. grandparents are important is what i'm saying, they are in the top 50 most important things. i do, i love the elderly, especially when they kickbox on youtube!'+ donald glover stops by to help with tweets and emails.
9-09-10
+ 'its a great day for scientists', craig ferguson shares, 'i know i give scientists a rough time on this show, i've said from time to time that they are under sexed mouse torturers who dont know nothing. but every once in a while scientists invent something cool, and its happened today. look at this: scientists have invented a tractor beam! i should probably explain for those of you who are not geeks, a tractor beam is a staple of science fiction shows; star wars, star trek, anything with stars. its basically a beam of light that can move stuff around or draw it toward you. for example, if i saw a plate of donuts over here, and i had a tractor beam, i could use a tractor beam to pull it into my mouth. thats right, my needs are simple. whenever there is an earth shattering technical breakthrough i go 'hmm, how can i use this to pull things into my mouth?' and then i think about using it for food... i'm very excited about this, the tractor beam is only able to move microscopic particles for now, and it can only move them a few feet, but its only a matter of time before we can use this for practicle purposes like porn! anyway, everyone should be excited about this new tractor beam, except maybe farmers. 'they are putting some good tractors out of work!' i understand that some technology makes people angry. i am a bit of a luddite as well. luddites were textile workers in 19th century england who protested against the industrial revolution because they thought new technology would put them out of work and destroy their way of life, so they went around smashing mechanical weaving looms. imagine what they would say today if they could see the bedazzler! 'why, this bedazzler is satan's work!' the only place you can really learn about the luddites now is on the wikipedia. kind of ironic, isnt it?'9-08-10
+ 'the president is trying to back the republicans into a corner by paying for tax cuts on the small businesses by putting tax hikes on big businesses', craig ferguson comments about the new tax plan, 'its like that old trick where you take two balls and you throw one in the air to distract your opponent, then throw the other one at his chest. that right, i can explain abstract fiscal policy using analogies about balls! youre welcome. tomorrow night we will discuss trickle down economics... anyway, i'm not a political expert, but i think going after the rich is a good idea in an election year. or any other year for that matter, because lets face it, rich people are bastards. even rich people would agree with that, they are like 'its true, now hand me another golden sausage'. actually, so far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised against them. but that doesnt mean they wont get mad about it, it just means they dont know about it yet. it takes a while for bad news to get to a rich person. first their accountant has to tell the butler who has to tell the manservant, who wouldnt dare interrupt the game of crochet! its actually not true, rich people arent like that anymore, rich people could be ordinary folks just like you and me. yes, its true. what about that guy in the jersey shore, the situation? he just bought a hundred thousand dollar bentley! actually, i think he paid an extra ten grand to give it a spray tan. the new taxes are going to put rich people in a tough spot- paris hilton may have to carry her own cocaine! trump may have to fire the guy who changes that thing on his head! warren buffet may have to move in with his cousin jimmy buffet! anyway, i've said this before, i dont look forward to paying my taxes, but i recognize that as a citizen its something we all have to do. i try not to lie on my tax form. too much... ill let you in on a little lie i've been using on the tax returns for years: you know on the little box that says 'occupation'? i put down entertainer!'* james lipton showing off his potty mouth!
9-07-10
+ 'its a great day for america today, and i will tell you why', craig ferguson shares, 'because barbara walters went back on the view today. congratulations, barbara! she had a heart surgery, it was completely successful. the doctors say she will make a full recovery as long as she avoids stress, loud noises and arguments... did you know that lady gaga is on the cover of a magazine wearing a bikini made of raw meat? thats the noise i made when i heard about it, i went 'aghaa'. id be grossed out if that were on my skin. and the meats kind of weird too! the magazine is very controversial. animal rights activists are furious at lady gaga for using meat like that. but larry king is like 'be on my show- i love brisket!'.'9-06-10
+ 'i'm glad the summer is over', craig ferguson admits, 'it was hot. it was too hot. it was the hottest summer on record in 34 states. here in l.a. people were getting boob jobs just for the shade! of course, for most people labor day means firing up the grill, but i had to work today like most immigrants. you know, just for once i would like to spend labor day biting into a juicy wiener. then i would go to a barbecue... school kids are on holiday today. i'm like 'you just had the whole summer off and now you get a three day weekend?' they get as much vacation as the fucking president gets! anyway, labor day was created by grover cleaveland, he started it in 1894. he wanted to give american workers a day off after a long hot summer. he announced it on larry king live at the time. but its changed over the years. today we celebrate the american worker by sitting on a beach chair that was made in china. ooh, commentary! yes... heres one thing i never understood about labor day: how did celebrating labor organization become associated with fashion tips? its all about fashion on labor day. dont wear white after labor day, dont wear black with brown after labor day, dont wear assless chaps to the super market. maybe thats just me... dont wear a bacon thong to the dog park, dont wear a sombrero in arizona.'9-03-10
+'its a big weekend at the movies this weekend, i'm very excited', craig ferguson tells, 'because today the first bon a fide oscar contender hits the theater: robert rodriguez movie 'machete'. robert rodriguez never disappoints me, this one is great, its got violence nudity and don johnson. come on! violence! nudity! don johnson! come on! take that, al quida! its awesome. so i will be going to the movies this weekend to see the romantic comedy 'going the distance'. because i'm married. after i've seen going the distance, i will roam the isles of pottery barn browsing for throw pillows wondering if they have a candle that can restore my dignity. 'excuse me, do you have anything that smells like dude?', 'sorry, try bed, balls, and beyond'. i havent seen going the distance, i'm sure its awesome. im sure there is a scene in there where someone runs through the airport with flowers. its very tricky these days because of air port security. 'i have to catch the love of my life before she waits in line for the fat guy to frisk her'. now, going the distance is probably good because its got drew barrymore in it, and i like drew barrymore. do you craig? yes i do. as a talk show host i admire drew barrymore because when she was on david letterman she jumped on his desk and flashed her boobies. thank you! a guest participating in the show! the possibility of being flashed by a guest is what keeps me doing this show every night...'9-02-10
+ 'the big story today, and what everyone is watching today', craig ferguson shares, 'is the hurricane that is threatening the southeast, or the east coast. everyone is looking at that. it could be very nasty. there is no such thing as a good hurricane, of course, a hurricane is like a divorce. you dont get a good one. its not like 'oh this hurricane will be fine!' divorce and a hurricane are the same, they both leave you miserable and with a lot less stuff. according to cnn, hurricane earl is bigger than the entire state of california. i'm like wha? cnn said a lot of other stuff about the hurricane but i didnt hear it, i was lost in the eyes of anderson cooper. he caused a high pressure situation in my pants...'+ chris hardwick stops by to help with twitter and email!
9-01-10
+ 'its a great day if you are a foodie', craig ferguson shares, 'you know, as apposed to people who dont like food... its a great day if you like food, and you are in serbia. that narrows it down a little bit, i guess. but, in serbia, this is a true thing- i'm not making this up just so i can say this- they are having the world testicle cooking championship. that is absolutely true! you can look it up on the computer! (he's right, you can find it here) and when you find it on the computer, you will know its true. it is, at the world testicle cooking championship you can eat things like osterage balls, kangaroo balls, really! goat balls, and me stuck here! not for the first time have i thought 'oh, if only i could be in serbia!' the world testicle cooking championship is a real thing, and its easy to find. once you get to serbia its right next to the worlds angriest zoo. anyway, the winning receipe was announced earlier tonight: nard boiled eggs. with a side of scrotatoes. all right, thats enough. i'll let the ball thing drop. its not just about eating testicles, theyve got other stuff going on too. they've got the sack races, theyve got a big gala ball. this is a big event, people go nuts over this thing!'-> rachael ray
8-31-10
+ in the opening bit james lipton interviews craig ferguson on his amazing acting techniques used in a 'murder, she wrote 2010' clip with alfred molina. very funny!+ 'there is some stuff going on thats not so good for new york city. the authorities of new york say there is an infestation of disgusting and impossible to kill pests. thats right, the jersey shore kids are in town! no, its things that are even more frightening than snookie after three vodka martinis. i'm talking about bed bugs, they are all over new york and its a big problem! do you know that bed bugs can live for a year without feeding- they are kind of like supermodels. last month the cbs building in new york was infested with bed bugs. the exterminators figured out where they were, they were in andy rooney's eyebrows. the majority of modern bed bugs are found in mattresses, which makes me wonder why dont they make mattresses that are resistant to bed bugs? then again, i'm still like why dont they make a mattress out of donuts? that would be awesome, if you are hungry in the middle of the night, you could just roll over! i'd go through a mattress a week. bed bugs arent new, they have actually plagued mankind for centuries, in olden times bed bugs were known as 'wall lice', 'red coats', and 'crimson ramblers'. by the way, crimson ramblers is the name of a marxist folk group i once belonged to...'
twitter attack!
watch out- its a new twitter and email song! this time they didnt go for any particular music style, in stead they went with a theme: its godzilla attacking! this song includes many clips of japanese people screaming and running, and also a bunch of giant creatures wreaking havoc on the buildings around them.
8-30-10
+ 'today is a great day for america, but not such a great day for paris hilton' craig ferguson reminds us, 'yes, over the weekend she was arrested for cocaine possession. i'm like 'oh, paris paris paris, come on!' now, in her defence, and i am going to come to her defense, it was in las vegas. oh, come on, its in vegas! in vegas cocaine is served at the breakfast buffet! 'you want bacon? you want to light a tube? what do you want?' police found cocaine in her purse. they became suspicious when that little dog she keeps in there was seen with a rolled up dollar bill. 'thats my stash, bitch!' paris says someone else left their cocaine in her purse. now, isnt this the same thing she said when she was busted with pot? it was a friend's pot in her purse. in legal circles this is called 'the lindsay lohan' defense. lindsay said someone left cocaine in her pants! thats true! it turned out well for her... i'm going to start using that defense- when a joke bombs on this show, i'm going to say its someone elses joke. i'm going to say a friend left it in my mouth. if i had a nickle for every time i said that...'= chief
8-13-10
+ 'its friday the 13th. oooh!', says craig ferguson, 'a couple big movies opening today, eat pray love is one. it stars julia roberts. its a chick flick in which julia plays a modern woman on a journey of self discovery. i can relate to that, i went on a journey of self discovery once, i was about 13 years old... i was up in my bedroom... what i discovered changed my life forever! i'm talking about masturbation is what i'm saying. i'm not sure i could handle eat pray love, its too scary. i'm not kidding, even on friday the 13th, cause its a movie about eating starring julia roberts. now, julia roberts is a lovely woman, a great actress, but she has over 900 teeth! its true! when you feed her you have to keep your hand open- just ask her personal chef nubby!'+ chris hardwick stops by to help out with tweets and emails!!!
+ murder, she wrote 2010. featuring alfred molina as sherlock holmes
8-12-10
+ 'today is a great day if you like music', craig ferguson shares, 'and who doesnt like music? well, al quida of course. 'i declare jihad on all forms of decadent western music, except of course for justin bieber'. i'll tell you why i got on to this: today is a very important day in a musical sense cause it was in this day in 1887 that thomas edison invented the phonograph, or record player. record players is how people used to listen to music back when music wasnt all sucky! i know what you are thinking, 'oh here we go, another middle aged white guy yammering on about how everything was better in the old days'. well, you are right, everything was better in the old days, you bastards. the music was better, the air was cleaner, i didnt have to use my feet to pick up my balls! when i take a shower its like playing hacky sack in the rain! thats right, applaud the advancing reaper, why dont you! anyway, edison came up with the idea of the recorded sound and giving it to the masses, and everyone should be happy for that, except of course for mel gibson. when edison invented the record player, this is true, he was partially deaf. which is amazing if you think of it. that would be like a super model inventing bacon! that would be like dick chaney inventing a cuddly toy, it would be like matthew mcconahoney inventing a line of shirts, or like micheal vick opening a doggy day care center! ok, thats enough...'8-11-10
+ 'its a great day if you like the wrestling', craig ferguson shares, 'its hulk hogan's birthday today, happy birthday hulk hogan. he's 57 years old today, he's getting up there but he was wrestling last year! he put on an amazing performance, people said they havent seen an old guy pin someone like that since larry king's honeymoon. i think hulk hogan should keep wrestling, he's still huge! but he weighs 25o pounds, hulk hogan, now remember 60 pounds of that are moustache, but still! to pull off a moustache like that you have to be a professional wrestler, or the leader of a gay motorcycle gang. i look forward to your letters, and the terrible beatings. hulk hogans real name is terry bolea. its not even a really tough guy name. its one of those names where you cant really tell if its a man or woman, like alex, or pat, or ryan seacrest. thanks to hulk hogan wrestling really took off, he was one of the innovators. there are a bunch of wrestlers who went on to second careers also: dwayne 'the rock' johnson became a movie star, jesse ventura was elected governor of minnesota, that was great, except for minnesota... i'm glad here in california we would never elect a muscle bound freak as a governor. that would never happen out here!'+ betty white stops by to share some fire safty tips
8-10-10
+ 'it was on this day in 1948 the very first episode of candid camera aired', craig ferguson informs us, 'now if you dont know candid camera, it was the first hidden camera tv show. it was the punk'd of its day. it was created by a guy named allen funt, he was the ashton kucher of his day. you know whats weird? when allen funt created candid camera he was dating demi moore! anyway, candid camera started on ABC in 1948, then within a year it moved to NBC and then to CBS. back then tv shows switched networks all the time, today of course that would never work. call me, any other network... anyway, candid camera was really just like punk'd, except the pranks werent done on celebrities, it was done on regular people, and it was done back when people were still black and white. so a guy would realize he was being filmed by a camera hidden inside a giant gramophone thing, and he'd say 'say mac, whats the big idea?' and allen funt would come out and go 'smile! you are on candid camera!' then the guy would be like 'why you chuckle head, i aughta...' and then they would make out. i made up that last part, they didnt make out. allen funt also did some candid camera spin-offs. he did a version for HBO called candid candid camera and it had naked ladies in it. ooh! that got your apathy going, didnt it everybody! then he did a version called candide camera where he pranked a copy of voltaire's 1759 satirical novela. you're welcome five people in the world who got that...'
8-09-10
+ 'it was on this day in 1173 that construction began on the leaning tower of piza', craig ferguson informs, 'it was named after the town in which it was built, of course, the town of leaning in italy. it was never supposed to be called 'the leaning tower', i mean, its not the italian architects go 'hey, lets-a build a tower that-a leans over! it'll be-a crazy!' thats right, italian architects at that time liked to talk like super mario... the tower leans like that because its built on a crappy foundation. no, its true. then the soil was even crappier. its stupid, almost as stupid as building a giant city on a major earthquake fault! anyway, in honor of the leaning tower of piza, tonight is our salute to bad architecture. the leaning tower of piza actually started leaning during its construction. they were on the third floor when somebody was like 'hey, how-a come my tutsie fruitsie ice-a cream is a drippin on-a the floor? its a rolling downa the floor!' then they were shocked when they discovered that the tower wasnt straight. just like i was when i heard about ricky martin'.+ summer livin' with sean connery
8-06-10
+ 'it seems like theres a big gay thing going on', craig ferguson notices, 'theres the gay republicans gathering, prop 8 getting overturned, and then today the movie 'step up 3D' is coming out. its a great day for gay america, i'll tell ya! all you need now is a sale on bed skirts at pottery barn and you'd be in heaven! i'm very excited though for the new step up movie, its the third in the trilogy. first there was 'step up', then its sequel 'step up 2: tokyo drift', now its this one, 'step up: 2 feet 2 furious'... anyway, step up 3 picks up right where step up 2 left off, with me coming out of the theater wearing spandex and a sweat soaked head band! now i'm not even sure what the plot is on these movies, but im sure its a good bet that there will be some moves busted, and some hippin and hoppin, and some popin' and lockin'. poppin' and lockin' and poopin'. by the way, if you are ever in germany and need a law firm, call poppin' lockin' and poopin'. the movie is in 3D, which is awesome, having a dance movie in 3D, there will be jazz hands coming right at ya!'8-05-10
+ 'its been more than 24 hours since the courts struck down california's ban on gay marriage', craig ferguson shares, 'but celebrations in san fransico have been postponed till friday. i'm like 'wha?!?' well, theres a rerun of glee on tonight, so...' (there was a ton more funny, but unfortunately my computer had some connection issues and i lost the transcript and already deleted the episode. sorry.)- paris hilton wow, its nice to see she has dropped the 'clueless ditzy girl' image! she was quite engaging during this interview!
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