+ 'its a great day for america, but not such a great day for me', craig ferguson admits, 'i've got a bad head cold, its one of those that makes every other word sound like 'glahglk'! people are like 'i cant understand your accent', and tonight, neither can i! i dont know if i've got the cold or the flu, either way i'm lucky because all the gook is up in my head. the trouble is in the attic, not the basement is what i'm saying. my head feels like its going to blow up and cover everyone with confetti. i know what you are thinking 'craig, why didnt you stay home and give us a break' no! i didnt stay home because i am loyal to my viewer! and i need the money. everything sucks when youve got this flu head cold thing. driving to work sucks, singing show tunes sucks 'theres hpno business like phnowbusiness' i know i'm whining, but i feel like my face is melting. i feel like joan rivers out in the sun. yesterday i posted on the tweety, on the twitter, i posted that i was getting the flu. people have been tweeting their home remedies, the herbal ointments and breathing techniques. one guy sent me a diagram for his cure, it was fantastic, it involved using jumper cables to hook my nuts up to a car battery. so, where ever you are j. fallon, thank you! i used your cure, although i am still congested, i feel happy so i dont care! a lot of people say i should each chicken soup. ive had so much chicken soup my ass is clucking! it seems like a lot of people base their advice, their remedy advice, on old sayings like starve a fever, feed a cold, bitch slap the measles, hump the mumps... do you know that researchers say the number one place you pick up infections is door knobs, even if you wash your hands you can pick up germs from a door knob. thats why i always lick them clean before i use a door knob.'