10-11-10

+ 'it is columbus day! happy columbus day, everybody!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'it is the day of the year we pay tribute to central ohio's most exciting city. i'm sorry akron, another day for you, but today: columbus day! now, school children know about christopher columbus from the rhyme: 'in fourteen hundred ninety two columbus sailed the ocean blue'. the rest goes 'he proved the earth was not flat, he wore puffy trousers that made his ass look fat'! that is true! anyway, in columbus' time a lot of people thought the earth was flat. these people were called idiots. see, most people already knew then. columbus is credited though with discovering america, but there were many people already here before him, native americans, vikings, kardashians, balwins, andy rooney was here too. i understand the temptation to say i discovered something when there were others there before you, cause i say i 'discovered' drugs and alcohol at a young age. i didnt really 'discover' them, there were others before me there, brave men and women who vomited in the alley ways and passed out in the dumpsters before i was born. all i'm saying is that its a little odd to claim you discovered an entire country if theres already people living there. its like breaking into someones house and saying 'hey, look what i discovered! i claim this big screen tv for the queen of spain!'.'

- john malkovich