6-28-11

+ 'oh i'm so glad you cant sleep again!' craig ferguson exclaims to his late night viewers, 'i'm so glad you are here because its a very special night tonight. we are very excited here because, as you know, i believe love all the people no matter their sexual preference or even if they come from austraila. we are very excited tonight because in lesbian row, which is a small area of the audience here where we keep specifically for, you know, lesbians, we have australian lesbians! arent they adorable? the thing is, people often say to me 'craig, whats the difference between an australian lesbian and your regular old lesbians?' its to do with the hemispheres and the way the earth is. because austrailan lesbians if you go down there and watch, they go around a different way! yes, in the northern hemisphere where north america is, gravity makes lesbians and many other people go around a certain way, and in the south they go around a different way. i made that up. there's absolutely no difference other than i have a noticeable lack of material and it was something to talk about.'

# paris hilton

* neil gaiman the monologe was skipped tonight due to the really long chat with neil- and it was worth it!

6-27-11

+ 'its a great day for the fbi, they are still happy about the arrest of whitey bulger', craig ferguson states, 'its bulger right? bulger. bulger! wha- i just noticed that's a bit rude! whitey bulger! thats like 'are you excited to see me or are you just whitey bulger?' ha ha ha! i bet nobody ever said that to him! anyway, he is a notorious boston mobster, he was hiding in plain sight here in santa monica. we've got a picture of his mugshot when he was arrested and he's still wearing his had for the picture. thats when you know somebody's a bad ass- when the cops dont make him take his hat off! 'can you take your hat off?' 'no!'. or what probably happened is that he was arrested and he was wearing a really big hat, he took that one off and there was another hat! 'oh, we better not ask him to take his second hat off, he got so angery with the first hat!' he was on the fbi's most wanted list for 50 years, he's 81 years old now and can face life in prison. his capture has captured people's imaginations. its an amazing story, his younger brother billy was a politician, he was president of the mass. state senate. so, one brother was operating in a world with no morals, dealing with the lowest of the low, and the other was a mobster! you know, some people in boston think of whitey bulger as a sort of folk hero, a modern day robin hood. now robin hood, as we all know, stole from the rich and gave to the poor. whitey bulger stole from the rich and gave beatings to everyone who got in his way while flooding his home town with heroin. about the same.'

- dennis miller

- melissa joan hart

6-10-11

+ 'its friday, its another big movie day', craig feguson states, 'what movie opens today? well, if you are looking for movie tips then you have come to the right place, who better to give movie tips than to ask a man who goes to see only one movie a year. or how ever often they release a new twilight movie! anyway, the movie opening today is not about a superhero. what?!? isnt it summer? arent we supposed to get a superhero movie every friday? i guess we will have to wait a whole week until the green lantern opens. i am officially sick of superhero movies, i dont need to see one anymore. i feel the same way about inspirational posters of kitties just hanging on to things. sometimes i just want that stupid kitty to fall. there, i said it! let go, kitty, what the point? anyway, so i'm glad the movie opening this weekend isnt about superheroes. its called 'super 8' and its about serious issues we can all relate to, like a big monster from another planet goes nuts and blows stuff up. you know whats weird about this movie? its set in a town that freaks out when its over run by aliens, and the town is not located in arizona!'
- kevin bacon winner of the coveted golden harmonica!

- wendy williams

6-09-11

+ 'today is a very important day', craig ferguson announces, 'i look forward to this day all year. its my favorite thursday. today is, and i'm not kidding, its donald duck day. this is the day the mighty disney corporation says we celebrate our favorite donald. sorry, donald trump. donald duck and donald trump are very different of course, one is a noisy cartoon character with a feathery ass who is a pompous idiot that no one can understand, and the other one is donald duck. wait a minute, donald trump has a feathery ass? maybe, i dont know. do you want to check? neither do i, i guess this will remain a mystery. if you are still confused by what i'm talking about, donald duck is the one who has a better chance of being president. donald duck is famous for walking around in a little sailor hat and no pants. i'm kind of famous for that too... when he does it its adorable, but when i do it i get arrested!'

- morgan freeman

- carson kressley

6-08-11

+ 'its quite a sad day here in los angeles', craig ferguson shares, 'the l.a. police commission has voted to get rid of the red light traffic cameras. which is very upsetting to me cause i love posing for them. every time i was near the intersection i would suck in my cheeks and make a pouty face, and then i would rear end somebody. and then i would get in my car. quite, you will wake up the censor... running the red light is one of the stupidest things you could ever do. i'm all for putting in cameras if they stop people from doing it, but they are controversial, you see. look, i know an easy way to reduce traffic accidents, heres what we do: cancel the show 'project runway' then we wont all be in such a hurry to get home to see it! oh, just me then? hundreds of cities in america use the red light traffic cameras but only here in l.a. we voted to take them down. in case you needed a reminder , we are not like the rest of the country. we dont need your stinkin traffic cameras just like we dont need your clean air, your human decency, or your real human breasts. we dont need any of that here! thats not a lie...'

- heather graham

- chris gorham

6-07-11

+ 'the 2012 presidential race is heating up', craig ferguson shares, 'the first major nation wide pole is out today. it has mit romney ahead of barak obama. but lets be honest, none of them are as popular as anthony wiener's weiner. yet another tough day for new york's most penisy congressman. the list of women who got sexy pics from anthony weiner keeps growing. as of right now its a porn star, a single mom from texas, a black jack dealer, and a student from seatle. i'm like, is this a sex scandle or the next cast of survivor? today the porn star in question, apparently he tried to get her to lie about the messages he sent, but she refused. good! i'd hate to think that a porn star would degrade herself by taking orders from a congressman. but i have to ask, what kind of world are we living in when a porn star makes weiners go down? its reverse world!'

- howie mandel

* wendy booker

= the goldberg sisters

craig is going to france!

is craig taking 'the late late show with craig ferguson' on the road? you bet! here's what he said recently on the show: 'i've had an idea. sometimes people come up to me and say 'craig, do you ever get bored coming out and doing the same thing night after night in the dimly lit studio?' yeah. cause then they say 'cause we get bored with you doing the same thing night after night after night'. so i said alright, i've got an idea. you know how proper talk shows go on the road and have like 'a week of shows from san francisco' or 'a week of shows from chicago' and they say 'yea', well i want to do a week of shows from another town. and they go 'well, we cant afford that'. well what can you afford? 'well, you and the robot and one other person can fly to a town of your choice. coach.' so thats what we are going to do. i'm going to do a week of shows, we are going to film the next week, i'm going to film a week of shows from paris france! so yeah, we are going to paris france! me, my robot, and my best girl by my side. well, best girl on the show, not my wife. kristin bell is coming with me. me, kristin bell, and geoff are going to paris to do a week of shows! yeah!'

they wont be broadcast until the first week of august though, so we will just have to be patient!

6-06-11

+ 'it is a great day if you like words', craig ferguson shares, 'i do like words, they call me a wordophile. i use 20 words a day. just hours ago the oxford enlgish dictionary announced which new words will be in next year's dictionary. its just like when they reveal next season's line up for dancing with the stars, except its for people who can read. not surprisingly, most of the new words deal with technology. you know, permalink, zomg, twittersphere. i dont know if thats a good idea, to add words like that to a dictionary. it just makes it more annoying to play scrabble with a teenager. i cant find teenagers who will play scrabble with me anyway. damn you 'to catch a predator'!'

- don cheadle

- brooklyn decker

6-03-11

+ 'this weekend dublin is hosting the world atheist convention', craig ferguson states, 'wait a minute, 'craig, are you advocating the rejection of belief in the existence of deities?' no, so dont write to me angry letters people of all religions. if you must sent them, send them to andy rooney at cbs... i'm sure this aithiest convention will be a bunch of laughs, it'll be hilarious. i just think its weird that they are having it in dublin ireland, its not exactly the place i would choose to introduce alternative religious beliefs. trust me, i know what i'm talking about here! dublin is, of course, home to the world famous guinness brewery. and guinness was something i used to believe in very religiously, in fact it still holds a somewhat mystical appeal to me. an atheist convention is a mass gathering of people who could be described as godless. or as we call it in hollywood: hollywood. i'm guessing you dont get a lot of advertisers for the world atheist convention. 'brought to you by starbucks, there's no afterlife so just stay awake all the time'. now listen, i am not an atheist. i know some people who are, its ok, we live in america, we can believe what ever we want. but as for me, i'll tell you what i believe: children are the future. teach them well and let them lead the way. show them all the beauty they possess inside. give them a sense of pride. and smoke crack. cbs cares.'

- carla gugino

- rebel wilson

6-02-11

+ 'it is a great day for america unless you like junkfood', craig ferguson shares, 'and by you i mean me. the usda today, which stands for united states something or other... anyway today the usda introduced a new way to make people feel bad about the way they eat, its called the food plate. it replaces the old food pyramid which some found confusing. after a few years of following that many people ended up being shaped like pyramids! anyway the idea of a food pyramid originated in sweden in the 1970's. it originally was a diet consisting of tiny meatballs and group sex. it was introduced to america in 1992. its better than what i ate growing up, there were only two food groups in scotland when i was a kid: fried and hot. because aparently the fried food wasnt hot? anyway, i know the government means well with their spiffy new food plate, i know they are just trying to provide a friendly reminder that we can all eat better. so its in that spirit of generosity that i would like to say to you: screw you, government! what happens if i dont eat my veggies, are you going to come to my house and spank me? cause i'm not eating them if you are! am i the only one who thinks the government might have bigger problems, i dont know, like two wars, a record national deficit, soaring gas prices, crushing unemployment. you telling me that politicians are so bored theyve got nothing better to do than tell me what to eat and tweet pictures of their damn penises?!?'
- dick van dyke

- kristin gore

6-01-11

+ 'its not a great day for one amercian: new york congressman anthony wiener', craig ferguson states, 'it kind of writes itself, doesnt it? i call him tony wiener, not to be confused with nathan lane, who is a tony winner. it turns out that wiener is in a bit of hot water. some times thats very pleasant, of course, but not this time... congressman wiener's twitter account was hacked allegedly, and someone texted a picture of his junior senator to a college girl. now this is good news for me because now i can get on the cbs computer and type in wiener photos at work and not get fired! wiener photos, 'i'm working!' congressman wiener will not say that the photograph is not of him, but he does say that it may have been digitally manipulated... i cant believe the media is making such a big deal out of this little thing... or not so little. the congressman thinks that the hackers are targeting him because of his last name: wiener. which is very bad news for congressman harry vagina.'

* david beckham

- shohreh aghdashloo

5-31-11

+ 'i hope you had a nice weekend', craig ferguson states, 'i was in canada where it is still snowing and will be until july. canada was beautiful, i was there doing some stand-up shows and i was walking around the casino and the whole place was filled with muscley people in really buff tight t shirts. i'm like 'is this canada or heaven?' i said to a big muscley dude 'whats going on? is it gay pride or something?' and he said 'no, its a body building contest'. tomato tomah-to... anyway, the body building competitions are different in canada, instead of rubbing oil over their muscles they spread mapel syrup. its weird, but delicious. some of these body builders looked like they could crush my head between their man boobs... no matter how much i offered to pay them. one of them recognized me and said 'hey, you better not make fun of us in your monologue, eh.' and i'm like 'of course not sir, i would never do that. i give you my word'. but now i am safely 2000 miles away... some of these people were pretty freaky looking. i call them beef monsters, crunch monkeys, muscle crows. they were walking around all top heavy and they are all deep orange! apparently they think the spray tan helps define their muscles under the stage lights, but it looks really wierd when they are just walking around. their whole body shade looked like a cross between cheetos and snookie! i could never have a massive ripped body myself, jazzercise only gets you so far...'

- ray romano

* lisa masterson

5-30-11

+ 'its memorial day where we honor the great men and women who defend our country,' craig announces, 'thank you. and we celebrate their service with sales on mattresses! all across the country today its a great day to get a deal on a mattress. 'america's military is as tough as nails, unlike our mattresses!' the car dealerships also have a memorial day sale, they bring out the heavy artillery: theyve got those blowey guys out front doing their thing. on memorial day weekend they put extra blow in the blowey guys, did you know that? by the way, theres a place on hollywood boulevard where theyve got blowey guys and mattresses, but its not a mattress store... here at cbs the network has its annual memorial day tradition of not giving me the day off. thats right, the network motto is 'cbs cares... about making the immigrant work on the holidays'. i wish there were some way to prerecord the show so i wouldnt have to come in on memorial day. aw, it would never work! most people had a three day weekend. the only thing better than that is a four day weekend. unfortunately theres only one four day weekend a year, thats thanksgiving. stupid pilgrims. would it have killed you to invite the indians over for dinner twice in the same year?'

- adam goldberg

- lucy punch

the geoff peterson dance!

craig ferguson has just introduced the latest dancing crazy to sweep the country! while talking with his robot skeleton sidekick geoff peterson, craig asked 'hey, want to practice our dance so the kids can all go out to the clubs, in their region, and do it?' he and geoff then proceed to teach the dance to the audience: put your right hand in, put it up and down, then turn your head back and forth and chomp your jaw up and down! man, this is going to be a huge hit!

5-27-11

+ 'finally, its memorial day weekend. i'm very excited', craig ferguson shares, 'the movie hangover part 2 is coming out today. its the sequel to the first hangover movie, which was a huge hit. it made household names out of the bird looking guy, the fat guy with the beard, and the other guy who lost his tooth- these are household names! the ads for the hangover 2 are everywhere! youve got to hand it to warner brothers, they came up with a fantastic marketing campaign. theyve done a great job, what they did was they watched what cbs does for this show and did the complete opposite of that. where as for the hangover they put up giant billboards, cbs go 'i didnt know we had a guy on after dave. did you know we have a guy on after dave?'. anyway, the hangover part 2 is already causing a great deal of controversy. one character gets a face tattoo like mike tyson. so mike tyson's tattoo artist is suing warner brothers because they ripped off his design and i think he's got a point. thats right, i am taking the side of an unknown tattoo artist against hollywood's biggest studio and its army of lawyers. wait, no i'm not. i just thought of that, thats a stupid thing to do. sorry tattoo guy, but i still have dreams of getting into show business some day. one day they are going to make a biopic of liza minelli and i'm going to be there!'

- drew carey

- rutina wesley

= the electric barbarellas

touch my glittery ball

carrot top was recently on 'the late late show with craig ferguson' and while doing his prop comedy one of his props broke! after the show he must have given the broken tiny disco ball to craig, because now craig has it featured on his desk! at the end of each guest craig has been prone to ask the guest how they would like to end their interview: awkward pause, or play the mouth organ. now with this tiny disco ball he has opened up a third option: touch my glittery ball! when a guest takes that option he pulls it over, set on its super fancy stand (a roll of electrical tape), and tells them: 'mr. bus driver, touch my glittery ball!' its a funny bit, but craig himself isnt too sure about it, often informing the guest that the kinks havent really been worked out yet, but still giving them the option to touch it. well, lets see where this third option goes and if craig can figure out a way to touch his glittery ball!

5-26-11

+ 'its a great day for scotty mcreary, the new winner of american idol', craig ferguson shares, 'if you havent seen scotty, hes a country singer with a really deep voice, he's very young though. the ladies love scotty. the female voters when cockahoop over his cute southern charm and his accent and his loveliness. but remember, dont forget girls, you felt the same way about clay aiken... both of the finalists of american idol this year are country singers and i like that. i've always been a fan of the country music, its very popular in scotland. it resonates with scottish people with the 'gettin' drunk, gettin' yer heart broke, and then gettin' drunk again'. people talk about rap music is violent, but country music is very violent, the great johnny cash sang a song about shooting a man just to watch him die, carrie underwood had that beating the crap out of her boyfriend's car, then the guy who sang 'take this job and shove it' and i've got a pretty good idea where he had in mind! country music is centralized in nashville. i've been to nashville, while i was there i really wanted a cowboy hat. so i found a hat store and got a snake skin cowboy hat. dont send me letters, peta, it was artificial snake skin, it was fake. i like my cowboy hats like i like my boobies: i like em big and fake and pushed down over my eyes...'

- seth green

^ lance burton

5-25-11

+ 'its not such a great day for fans of the oprah show', craig ferguson laments, 'dont worry though, oprah's show will be in reruns until september, and then she will be replaced by ashton kutcher. see what i did there? this really is the end of an era, what are we going to do without oprah? a world with out oprah is like a donut without jelly, like a kardashian without back hair. its just not something you can think of! i like to think oprah is not really retired, she's a bit like batman, you can shine a light up into the sky and she will reappear when we need her most. like when we cant think of what to read. i think the reason that the oprah show was so popular was cause she allowed her audience to see her struggles. we all know she struggled with her weight, she was skinny, then she got heavy, they she was skinny again. then her financial struggles- she was rich, then she was richer, now she's richest. and earlier this year we learned that oprah has a secret sister. that has to be amazing, to find out you are oprah's long lost sister. i would change my name right away to kaching! 'have you met my sister kaching winfrey?' 'hi, where's my car?' its not an exaggeration to say that oprah has touched millions of women around the world, but unlike arnold schwarzzenegger, she didnt leave them pregnant! good job, oprah!'

- norm macdonald

* julie mccarthy

= oh land

5-24-11

+ 'tonight was the big 'dancing with the stars' season finale', craig ferguson states, 'i havent watched it yet because i've dvr'ed it, so no spoilers anyone! i love that show 'dancing with the stars', you know why? because i love what you love, america. i'm a whore, but a cheerful and enthusiastic whore! i've actually never seen dancing with the stars, not even for five minutes, and i'll tell you why: i'm afraid to watch. i happen to have an addictive personality. i see a booty shaking and i'm going to have to shake mine too, and once my booty starts shaking it aint stopping for anyone, bitch! once i start i dont stop until i'm done. or until you're done... nah, i dont care if you are done... the real reason dancing with the stars is such a hit is because your whole family can watch it together. of course, it helps if your whole family is old ladies and gay dudes... tonight wasnt just the season finale of dancing with the stars, it was also the season finale of 'glee'. tonight is the one night in a year you can get into any restaruant in west hollywood- you can walk right in to any of them, their empty! its like a ghost town. i cant imagine going on dancing with the stars. well, i can imagine it and its not pretty. it would be a lot of work and i hate to be critiqued about my dancing, i dont need judges. i can always figure out if ive danced well by counting the money i find in my thong. although, some of those coins are lumpy. then again, so am i!'

- courteney cox

> carrot top

5-23-11

+ 'president obama just kicked off a six day european tour', craig ferguson states, 'which is actually quite terrifying- this means joe biden is in charge! anyway, today the president when to ireland, he has roots there. my father's mother was from donegal actually. i've never been, i should visit. ireland is pretty close to where i'm from. now ireland was being called the celtic tiger because of its huge economic growth in the 1990's, but recently ireland had to be bailed out to the tune of one hundred million dollars. granted, most of that was for an outstanding bar tab, but still! ireland got most of that cash from the imf, but that was before the imf had to spend most of that money on bail money. do you know that percentage wise, there are more people with red hair in ireland than anywhere else in the world. i'm glad i dont have red hair, especially... downstairs... it would look like my penis was wearing a clown wig. again. 'who wants to go to the circus?' no offense to carrot top who is on the show tomorrow night...'

- jack black

* quinton 'rampage' jackson

5-20-11

+ 'we are live, of course, so officially its may the 21st', craig ferguson admits, 'so, i know what you are thinking, 'today is a big day', and you are right because youve seen the billboards, they are all over the country. they say 'judgement day, may the 21st'. well well. i hope its not judgement day, it would completely ruin our summer! think of all the things we would miss, like the hangover 2. if this is the last day on earth this could be the last tv show you'd see, so why dont you put in a dvd or something. on you go, apparently i wont be here when you get back... i'm going to go out on a limb here and say something controversial: today is not judgement day. you know whats going to happen today? i'm not going to say nothing, stuff will happen today but it wont be the end of days. i keep emergency food just in case, enough for me and my ferrets. i'm just kidding, i dont keep emergency food for my ferrets- i breast feed them! you know the guy who paid for all these billboards is a very religious man, a very successful religious broadcaster. he thinks today is going to be the big day because he added up a bunch of numbers and came up with may the 21st. its very complicated, so you know what he's going to do on sunday is 'oh, um... i forgot to carry the seven...' the other thing you should know about this guy is that twenty years ago, i'm not kidding ya, he wrote a book called '1994' about the end of the world. he predicted that the world would end in september of 1994. his record is a little patchy in this department'.

- carrie fisher

* edward conlon

5-19-11

+ 'there's a lot of bruhahaing going on at the secret service', craig ferguson shares, 'the officials had to delete a tweet from the official secret service twitter account cause they made fun of fox news. i'm like, knock it off secret service! thats my job! i dont go around talking into my hand, doing courageous stuff, and helping people do i?!? well, you knock off making fun of... yes. i just realized i was yelling at the secret service. not that smart. what did the tweet say? it said 'had to monitor fox for a story. cant. deal. with. the. blathering'. not that bad, really, blathering. people say that on twitter about this show, and that person is me. i understand that the secret service wants to appear impartial, but is anyone really offended here that fox news is described as blather? they are a 24 hour cable channel, blather is what they do. fox news does right wing blather, msnbc does left wing blather, the e channel does kardshian blather, cinemax does boobie blather, nbc's got leno blather... i think i would be a good secret service agent, i could go undercover and no one would discover my secret identity. because, years ago, i accidentally burned off my finger prints. it was with a curling iron. i thought my downstairs hair wasnt curly enough, so i tried to fix it. i had to wait until it got really hot down there, then i started screaming, and then i turned on the curling iron and got to work... that is so stupid! i've got a question about this though, what is the secret service doing with a twitter account? isnt their job to keep things secret? just sayin. i'm just proposing that the secret service shouldnt have a twitter account because they are meant to be secret. to be fair, they have only had the account for 10 days, before that they were on myspace. thats funny because myspace has fallen out of favor with me and my cyber posse. i'm just like you, young people, except i'm older. with no finger prints and burnt genitals. happens to us all over time...'

- tony shalhoub man, this interview was incredibly awkward...

* sloane crosley

5-18-11

+ 'its not a great day if you are a fan of the circus', craig ferguson shares, 'the members of the families that own the ringling brothers barnum and bailey circus are suing each other in federal court. its getting ugly in the courtroom, theres wild charges, outburts, cars with doors flying off. today the judge said 'this trial is becoming a three ring... nevermind.' ringling brothers is one of the old school circus' like i used to go to as a kid. i used to love watching the elephants march around in a circle to the hawaii five-0 theme tune. thats what they would do, it was just two sad animals going around. but new circuses are more like circ de soli, you know the acrobats, the weird costumes, the enya music. circ de soli doesnt use animals though, they exploit a group of creatures even stranger than animals: french canadians! as a kid going to the circus always made me anxious, i used to worry that one of the wild animals would snap its leash and attack the crowd. its the same thing i worry now when i watch 'the view'.'

- julie andrews

= little big town

5-17-11

+ happy birthday, craig!

+ 'big news here in california', craig ferguson states, 'today we found out why maria left arnold. apparently arnold fathered a love child back in 2003. i for one am shocked that anyone would be shocked by this. i really dont understand the term 'love child'. i guess love child is nicer than saying 'shh, maria's asleep' child. aparently the woman arnold got pregnant was a former employee, i'm not sure what she did but i think she worked on arnold's staff... now a fancy word for a man that has affairs like this is a philanderer. its like a philanthropist, except you are generous with your penis. its been said that men only think with their penis, but thats not true- i can also stear my car with my penis! strangly i can only make right turns with my penis... anyway, to arnold's credit he has been taking care of the child financially, providing health care and education. the same thing he's been taking away from every other child in california while he was the governer of california.'

+ larry king interviews arnold schwarzenegger

+ craig interviews the leader of seal team six: betty white!

- patton oswalt

no more cussing, craig!

i dont know if i believe it. craig ferguson claims that he is done cussing! 'look, here's some news', craig ferguson states, 'this show is going to be different. i've decided no more cussing and i'll tell you why. this past weekend i went indoor skydiving. i though you would have to go inside a big building and it would be like aah! but its not that, you go inside this room and they have this thing. you put on a special suit and you go into this room and you get blown really hard! they turn on this machine and it goes 'whoo' and you go 'aah!' but i realized, because it was a very exhilerating experience, but i cussed a lot in there! cause i was a little bit frightened, i was like 'cussing! cussing! cussing!' and i have in fact, exhausted my supply. see, i always thought i was kind of like the saudi arabia of profanity, that i had deep reserves of cuss words that the rest of the world was envious of. but aparently i have used up all my source material, i havent even got a darn left in me. so i'm going to try not cussing for an entire show. and if that works... i'll be surprised!'

5-16-11

+ 'its a great day for america, everybody!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'i know what you are thinking, 'craig craig, come on. give us some proof, give us a nugget, give us a sausage that says, yes a sausage, a morsel of something that proves its a great day for america'. i'll tell you: donald trump is not running for president! people are saying 'donald trump pulled out of the presidential race', he wasnt in the presidential race! he didnt have a nomination! nobody was going to vote for him! if he is in the presidential race by saying you are in the presidential race, then fine: i am in the presidential race! its constitutionally impossible for me to be president, also i am not, but i am! now i have to say, as an american i am relieved. but as a vulgar late night entertainer i feel a certain amount of regret. donald trump is out, mike huckabee is out. at this point the only one who could derail barack obama's reelection is joe biden. 'derail? derail? like a train? i love trains, i took a train to work! choo choo!'.'
- geoff peterson, robot skeleton sidekick!

- simon helberg

5-13-11

+ 'of course its friday the 13th today', craig ferguson reminds, 'so i am obligated to give you my usual warning: if you are a sexy teen camping out by the lake tonight and you think you see a guy in a hockey mask lurking in the bushes, dont worry, its probably nothing. go back to making out in that flimsy little tent. anyway, there's a new movie coming out today, its called bridesmaids. the bridesmaid of course, is a wedding tradition. my favorite wedding tradition is the old lady raps. i dont know if thats a tradition, maybe i just saw that movie while i was drunk. i've said it before, the elderly would not be neglected so much if more of them could rap! i'm just trying to help! a lot of wedding traditions go back centuries, in the olden days people got married based on how much money the bride's family had, today people get married for love or its a reality show or something like that. back in scotland, where i'm from, theres a weird wedding tradition called a 'scramble'. what would happen is that after the wedding ceremony the best man threw the coins from his pockets onto the streets and the local urchins would pick them up. that was my first job, street urchin. i would be down on my hands and knees grabbing around for coins. that prepared me to work here at CBS!'

- paul reiser

- melissa mccarthy

5-12-11

+ 'right now the CIA is going through all the stuff they found in osama bin laden's compound', craig ferguson shares, 'they say they have found his hand written diary. i'm like 'i had no idea he kept a diary, that is so sweet'. officials say they havent read it yet cause they cant find the little key to open it. the diary has some very interesting revelations, for example osama bin laden's secret desire was to sneak into new york and catch a showing of 'mama mia'. you know what else is weird, he briefly considered joining the cast of 'two and a half men'. theres actually talk of turning osama's diary into a hollywood movie, but the producers need a big name movie star to play a temperamental mad man who hates jewish people. ideas, anyone? apparently osama was quite the writer. you notice how history's greatest mosters always have an artistic side? osama was a writer, hitler was a painter, justin bieber is a singer... its a joke, i'm kidding! i love justin bieber. i dont, but i'm frightened of young people- they scare me with their angry tweets!'

- mary lynn Rajskub

* lawrence block his latest book is actually dedicated to craig and his wife megan!

5-11-11

+ 'you know, today in france is the first day of cannes film festival', craig ferguson states, 'most people who live there are gone. they rent out their houses and apartments to the rich people who fly in for the festival. the french have a name for those hollywood types who fly in every year, i'm going to try to pronounce it right for you, its 'le duchebags'. theres a lot of bi movies during the premier of the cannes film festival. this year the festival is opening with the new woody allen movie. in this movie owen wilson's character travels back in time to hang out with salvidor dali. critics are saying that the new woody allen movie is pretty good, its something you can enjoy with maybe your wife or your daughter, or perhaps they are the same person... too soon? too soon yi? mel gibson's new movie is playing in cannes too, its about a middle aged man who's so emotionally damaged that he's only comfortable interacting with a hand puppet. its called the craig ferguson story!'

- tim meadows

= colin hay

kangaroo balls at the north poll

who would have ever thought that kangaroo testicles would ever be at the north pole? well, craig ferguson, for one! he recently helped make this strange sight possible! 'regular viewers to this show, or as i call them 'people who dont have cable', will know that i had a guest on called wendy booker who was going to go to the north pole. i said 'oh, you will need a good luck charm to go to the north pole' and i gave her my kangaroo testicles that i kept on my desk. because carrie fisher was in australia, she brought back kangaroo testicles to give me as a gift saying 'well done, there'. and so i used to keep the testicles on my desk. when wendy was going to the north pole i said 'take these testicles to the north pole, they will bring you good luck!' well, she set me this picture! i cant help but notice that these testicles got a bit smaller... which makes me think either they are on steroids in order to enhance their performance, or two: she is actually at the north pole! and i think she is, she's at the north pole here. no sign of santa yet! but there are kangaroo's balls at the north pole. i think we can claim this as a first in the history of the world. never before in the history of the world have a kangaroo's testicles, or any other part of a kangaroo for that matter, been at the north pole- take that, guinness book of world records! the first marsupial testicles to reach the north pole, and that record belongs to me! which makes you my bitches...'

5-10-11

+ 'its a tough day for arnold schwarzenegger today', craig ferguson concoles, 'you know, the terminator, the kindergarten cop, the jingle all the way. arnold and maria shriver are splitting after 25 years of marriage. its very sad. today arnold issued a statement saying 'hosta la vista, half of my stuff.' its too bad though, they were married for 25 years though, thats a pretty good run, thats a quarter century. in hollywood being married a quarter century is like being married 200 years in the real world! in the last quarter century while arnold and maria were married, larry king got married 18 times! most of those marriages werent legally binding though. 'you mean i cant marry a pastrami sandwich? but i love it!' i know i've made fun of arnold on this show once or twice... or a thousand times. but i genuinely feel for arnold and maria, they are having a tough time. they originally met at a fund raiser for a museum. maria was a fundraiser and arnold was the neanderthal exhibit... see, now there i go again! i didnt have to say that but i did! people are saying that arnold is now going back into acting. he's getting a bit old for that, isnt he? whats he going to be in? conan the octogenarian? occasional recall? tinkle all the way? now i will admit that i have a soft spot for arnold, maybe its because i liked his movies in the 80's or its because i'm not a teacher in california. if he had laid off thousands of talk show hosts i proably would have thought different.'

- kenneth branagh

* edward conlon

5-09-11

+ 'its not a great day if you suffer from alergies', craig ferguson states, 'its not a great year, actually. doctors are saying that 2011 will be the worst year ever for allergies. now, keep in mind that the doctors said 2010 would be the worst year, and the same in 2009. i'm thinking perhaps maybe these doctors work for the companies that make allergy medicine. thats right, doctors, i'm on to you! i dont need you, i'll check my own prostate, thank you very much! although even when i do i still get weepy... there's a lot of different allergy medications, but the only one brand that really works is the one that advertises on cbs... i actually keep hundreds of boxes of allergy medication in my garage. well, actually, its more of a lab. thats right, i have a meth lab in my garage! cbs cares... allergy season in l.a. is very bad this year. 'how bad is it craig?' its so bad that the lakers did nothing but choke! allergy season is so bad that cher sneezed and her nose fell off! you know who i blame for this allergy stuff: pollen. thats right, pollen, i'm calling you out bitch. pollen is a fine powder that plants use to fertilize other plants. through out the 1980's i also used a fine powder... talcin powder. i used to chafe easily while i was high on cocaine.'
- jeff goldblum
- sarah chalke

5-06-11

+ 'this is a big weekend at the movies, of course', craig ferguson shares, 'the first big superhero movie of the summer opens today. i am talking about thor. which is incidentally the same thing i say after i work out my glutes, 'oh my ath ith tho thor!' now of course thor is a superhero, hes a mix of types, he's got the strength of the hulk, the courage of superman, and the thick stumpy legs of kloe kardashian. now, for those of you unfamiliar with thor, his signature weapon is a hammer. its awesome though, he has a hammer, he can use the hammer to crush his enemies and celebrate by putting up a bookcase or some shelving. his other super power is that he can change the weather, he's like sexy global warming. but he basically is a god who lives on earth among the humans. now a days we would call that 'oprah'. comic book geeks are very excited about this movie, and i can see why, this may be their only chance this year to see a movie made about comic books, except for green lantern, green hornet, captain america, priest, cowboys and aliens, conan the barbarian, and fucking x-men! you know that thor was originally the norse god of thunder. not of lightning, you see its very unionized. the lightning god was... uh, sparky! and ikea was the god of confusing furniture assembly.'

- will ferrell he brings a gift for craig's new son!

-> reese waters

5-05-11

+ 'its not just a great day for america, its also a great day for our neighbors to the south', craig ferguson informs, 'or i should say 'es una dia marvillosa para mexico!' not bad, huh? it took me about a year to learn that. we used to do a spanish word of the day here every night. the only other phrase i remember is 'mi hungo es peludo' which means 'my mushroom is hairy'. you'd be surprised how often that comes in handy. now a lot of people dont know what cinco de mayo is about, and i call these people gringos. cinco de mayo is the day we celebrate the mexican army's defeat of the french army in 1862. now, back then the french army was huge and ferocious, now its just a couple mimes with a baggette. cinco de mayo is a huge holiday here in los angeles, i have no idea why. its not big everywhere though, you know what they call cinco de mayo in arizona? thursday. it might have something to do with that whole 'let me see your papers' thing. which is ironic because arizona used to be part of mexico, just ask arizona senator john mccain, he actually remembers it! i celebrate it the same way i do every year, by turning into a human pinata, i fill myself up with candy and have people hit me with a stick.'

- juliette lewis

- phil rosenthal

5-04-11

+ 'it is a great day for america, but it is yet another bad day for osama bin laden', craig ferguson shares, 'he is having a terrible week. first of all, sunday he was killed, and then yesterday his computer was confiscated, and now the final insult: elizabeth hassleback of the view is writing a book about him! thats true! i mean, how bad can it get?!? elizabeth said she wants to write a children's book to explain to children what has happened with osama bin laden. she hasnt settled on a title yet, but i have some suggestions: 'the cat and the fatwa', 'horton hears a helicopter', or what about very simply, 'goodnight, douche'.

- john waters

- pauley perrette

5-03-11

+ 'its a bit of a rough day today for me', craig ferguson confides, 'i went to the doctor today for my annual physical exam. at my age you have to go to the doctor regularly because they keep finding changes to my body. today i just had the typical physical exam, i think you will understand if i do the rest of the show standing up... the physical exam isnt exactly a walk in the park, unless that park is golden gate park during a ricky martin concert, if you know what i'm saying. its not fun getting a physical, i stare at the floor all nervous, i listen to the guy putting on the gloves getting lubed up. i just close my eyes and grit my teeth while he does his business. then i have to go to the doctor! but guys spend a lot of time worrying about that, you know, the old finger probe, the visit through the artist's entrance, the rubber glove love, the uno in your bruno. i'm talking about the prostate exam. as far as exams go, its not that bad. i think of it like an eye exam, its like that, if the chart read 'oh'. the worst is that my doctor used to be an optomitrist so hes always like 'is it better like this or like this' oh, just get on with it! the doctor actually said to day that my blood pressure was a bit high. and i'm thinking 'a bit?' cause i had forgotten that it was my medical today, so i didnt do any fasting and on the way to the doctor i had a coffee in the car, and i had a conversation with my ex-wife on the phone- my blood pressure should have been through the damn roof! high blood pressure can be decieving. its always going to be high when you are nervous about being at the doctors and all that, you should take my blood pressure during something thats not stressful and i dont give a rats ass about. if you took it now i would be fine!'

- geoffrey rush

= ok go

5-02-11

+ 'its a great day for america!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'you all know why, of course. osama bin laden was killed by u.s. forces. everyone on tv has been happy all day, glen beck was crying, then he found out about osama. the media has been going crazy with this, on the left msnbc is like 'president obama saves the world!', and fox news on the right is like 'president obama kills fellow muslim'. politicians on both sides are equally happy. dick chaney said he hasnt been this happy since he saw that youtube clip of the girl throwing puppies into the river. 'ah, thats entertainment!' apparently members of al quida are on the internet right now and they are slamming the u.s. in their chat rooms. i dont know why they are so mad, everyone just got a promotion in al quida. president obama must be really happy, he finally got to take down his arch enemy. i'm talking, of course, about donald trump. last night the president's announcement interrupted, i mean he must have timed it, it interrupted 'celebrity apprentice'! 'well mr. president, its been nine years but we finally got him. when would you like us to announce it?' 'give me a minute, we'll just wait another thirty minutes, i've got an idea...'.'

- mindy kaling

- matt lucas

4-29-11

+ 'what a great day for britain! wasnt that royal wedding wonderful?' criag ferguson sarcastically cheers, 'it was the wedding spectator event of the year! i am so happy for those two, prince william and kiki wigglesworth. its not too late to get them a wedding gift, they are registered at inbread bath and beyond. or was it bed bath and beheadings? the wedding made me cry, not because i get emotional at weddings, but because now prince william is off the market and i thought i still had a chance! call me romantic, but i have a soft spot for goofy looking english dudes with lots of money. and when i say soft spot i am refering, of course, to the region just below my testicles... the ceremony may be over, but i've still got royal wedding fever! there's only one way to get rid of wedding fever, and its a big bowl of divorce soup. that was too much, i'm just bitter. this wasnt just the biggest wedding of the year, it was the biggest wedding of the decade, no offense kloe and lamar. two billion people around the world watched the wedding today, even al quida guys watched it, they were like 'aw she looks so beautiful, er... um... death to america!' it was a beautiful wedding though, i loved the part where he said 'i do', and she said 'ka-ching!'.'

+ dear aquaman

+ grant imahara stops by to help with tweets and emails

- bob saget

= sharon jones and the dap-kings

4-28-11

+ 'its a great day if you are a fan of mutinies, and who isnt?' craig ferguson asks, 'it was on this day in 1789 that mutiny on the bounty took place. what happened was that british sailors on h.m.s. bounty threw their captain overboard. now the bounty was a ship that inspired books, movies, absorbent paper towels. the captain was william bligh. anyway, its difficult to be a captain who is respected, you cant just put a captain's had and expect to take you seriously. what happened is the sailors spent a few months exploring an uncharted island in the south pacific and the captain said 'get back on the ship' and the sailors said 'no, we are mutinying!' cause i think they didnt like giving up the idea of sitting on a beach filled with topless women. they are like 'i've had enough of the promiscuous women here in the south pacific, lets get back to england with its repression and bad dentistry', 'actually, lets not!' so what happened is the sailors forced captain bligh in to a rickity little boat with a skeleton crew and left them to die in the middle of the night. i know exactly what that feels like... what i cant believe though is that some of captain bligh's crew actually chose to go with him. they turned down an island filled with exotic women to share a tiny boat with other men. and when those sailors got back to england they wrote the musical 'south pacific'- gunna wash that man right outta my hair!'

- tom selleck

- odette annable

4-22-11

+ 'it is of course friday, but its not just any friday, its good friday', craig ferguson informs, 'so if you celebrate easter, happy easter, and if you dont have a happy non-denominational holiday, in your region. today is also earth day, or as it will be known in 20 years, that planet that we used to live on until we ruined it day. if you want to celebrate earth day and easter at the same time by using marshmallow peeps as insulation, go right ahead, thats the way to do it! marshmallow peeps taste like insulation, and insulation tastes like marshmallow peeps, so what you loose in the round-a-bouts you gain in the swings.'

- diane lane

- karen gillan its dr. who's companion!

4-21-11

+ 'today is a holiday that not many people know about', criag ferguson shares, 'its actually john muir day. 'who's john muir?' john muir is a famous naturalist. a naturalist is someone who is really in to nature. do not confuse a naturalist with a naturist. a naturist is someone who really loves nude volleyball. like me! oh yes, when i'm out there on the beach you should see me drive my spike into the sand. and then you should see me play volleyball! john muir lived in the 1800's, he moved here actually from scotland. he spent his life trying to preserve america's nature. as someone who also immigrated from scotland, i feel i followed in muir's footsteps. in that he went on to save america's wilderness, and i went on to hold up a cussing rabbit puppet. at that point, we kind of went our separate ways... in many ways i did more than he did- the nature was already here! muir is considered the father of our national parks and i'm glad we still have national parks, you know, land untouched by starbucks, and shopping malls, and kardashians... muir spent years walking across america, people thought he was looking for nature, but i suspect that he was just scottish and didnt want to spring for the bus fare. 'no, its too expensive, i will in fact just walk from here to the pacific!' john muir went on to establish yosemite national park. one of america's most famous hiking trail is there, its called the john muir trail. i've never actually understood the word 'hiking'. its just like walking for snobs. you cant just invent a fancy word like for walking to make it sound important. its like saying 'i'm not sitting down, i'm power lounging'. its just walking! 'i'm going hiking', oh are you? what kind of hiking are you doing? that kind of one foot in front of the other hiking? 'yes, but with special shoes on and i carry my own water' ooooh, you must have trained for fucking years!!!'

- alfred molina

-> joe devito

craig's pointer

as craig ferguson introduces a silly idea for a new cbs twitter contest, he goes back to his desk to find something he can offer the winner of the contest. he pulls a pen pointer from his pen cup and initially offers it as the winning prize. after inspecting it for a second he realizes that its pretty cool and decides to keep it for himself! through out the rest of the night's show, craig plays with it and tries to think of what he can use it for. criag amuses himself to no end suggesting you use the pointer to point to your own crotch. 'you should do that while you are out for dinner! when the waiter comes to the table!' which ends with craig laughing himself silly!

cbs twitter contest

hey, want to win a useless silver sharpie? well you are in luck!
'i'm in a conundrum', craig ferguson confesses, 'i'm in a quandry, i'm having something of a dilemma. heres the thing, geoff and i like to play this game before the show with the audience, we say 'cbs' and then we make up things that cbs could stand for. and i just made up a really rude one! they said 'you better not say that on the air!' and i thought 'oh no!' so i thought the thing we should do is have a competition! what to do is go on the tweety or send me an email and write 'cbs' and put what you think it stands for. and the best one will win cbs! i've just heard that cbs cannot offer itself up as a prize, legally. but the prize you will win...' craig goes back to his desk to find something to offer as a prize, 'this lovely thing'. once he realizes its a retractable pointer pen, he says 'oh, its for pointing! no, thats too awesome, you cant have this!' then craig puts it back and grabs something else. he grabs a silver sharpie. 'i will give you this lovely silver nonspecific pen. so, just write in with your best ideas for what 'cbs' stands for. the best one, the one we like will win this pen!'
if you have some 'cbs' ideas, then sent him a comment on his twitter here, or email him at the show here!

4-20-11

+ 'its april the 20th, you know 4/20', criag ferguson reminds, '420 of course is when stoners celebrate their love of marijuana. if you dont know what to get your favorite stoner on 420, just rewrap whatever you got them last year. 'oh, thats so awesome!' here in l.a. they celebrated 420 with a 'stoner' parade. the parade went down sunset, took a right at the baskin robbins and never came out! i dont smoke pot. i dont need drugs, i already get high on life! and i huff paint. its why i can never go back to home depot...'

- michael clarke duncan

- lena headey

4-19-11

+ 'the pulitzers were announced today', craig ferguson shares, 'the big winner in today's pulitzers was the l.a. times. well done, l.a. times! now, the l.a. times, if you dont know, is what we call a newspaper, its what people used to read before blogs. the l.a. times has been an institution in this town for 130 years, almost as long as cher. the l.a. times won the pulitzer for public service. the opposed some sleazy politicians. can you believe that? a politician thats sleazy? what?!? next you will be telling us that wall street is corrupt, that ricky martin is gay, that pro wrestling is fake, that o.j. is guilty, that tom cruise is a leprechaun, that kloe kardashian is a man. anyway, what they did was bust a few sleazy politicians. these guys were from a working class town in california called bell. what they were doing was raising taxes to give themselves huge bonuses and they caught them because the l.a. times caught them with their hands in the cookie jar. its nice to know, though, that good journalism is alive and well. the sad truth is that people dont really buy the newspaper anymore. i used to love the morning ritual of walking down the driveway, greeting the newspaper guy, letting my robe fall open accidentally...'

- kathy griffin

* astronomer derrick pitts

4-18-11

+ 'its not a great day if you like the online poker', craig ferguson informs, 'over the weekend the department of justice shut down the biggest online poker sites for violating u.s. laws. poker players said they never saw this coming, but thats probably because they are wearing thos stupid little sunglasses. now, a lot of people have been affected by this shut down, 10 million americans go online for poker. to give you an idea how many that is, take the number of americans who go online for pornography, and subtract about a billion. you know what got the poker sites in trouble for breaking the law? its the same law that prevents the banks from transferring money to off shore accounts. now, if i've learned anything over the past couple years, is that uncle sam is not going to allow banks to screw the american people over. 'hey, wait a minute, craig, was that a jab at the hypocracy of busting tiny poker sites while wall street runs riot?' i'm not sure.'

- tina fey

= everest

4-15-11

+ 'a lot of people from here in california are going out to the desert this weekend', craig ferguson states, 'its coachella, the three day music festival. coachella, in case you dont know, is a native american word that means 'nine dollar beer'. coachella calls itself a music and arts festival, but i doubt theres much art unless you count the dudes painting the grass with vomit. there wont be as much nudity as there was at woodstock, its woodstock without the wood. people always say woodstock was so awesome, it wasnt that great, everyone was wacked out on drugs, sleeping in the mud, reeking of b.o. it was like half a million randy quaads. they say that if you remember woodstock then you werent really there. well i dont remember it so i was probably there then, even though i was five at the time. actually its possible... the coachella festival always gets the huge bands, this year its kanye west. it was originally going to be taylor swift, but kanye ran up and got the microphone first. anyway, coachella usually has a bunch of electronic music. i admit, i dont really understand electronic music, it sounds like a horny robot talking gibberish, and frankly i get enough of that around here...'

- robin wright

* awesome biologist dan riskin

4-14-11

+ 'not a great day for the FAA', craig ferguson admits, 'you know, a high ranking faa official had to resign because several air traffic controlers fell asleep on the job. thats not good. i dont know what faa stands for, maybe 'fell asleep again', 'fierce and available', 'fun with alcohol and amphedamines'... anyway, the faa is of course the federal aviation administration, and the official who resigned was in charge of air traffic control. yesterday an air traffic controller fell asleep while planes were trying to land in reno. now, i've been to reno. i mean no disrespect to the people of reno, but not landing in reno is not the worst thing in the world! this was the sixth time this year the air traffic controllers have been caught sleeping. i know a good way to keep these guys awake: force them to sit in the same cramped seats that we have to sit in on the airplanes! sleep deprivation effects everyone. i havent been getting much sleep because i have a baby at home, thats why. you know when you hear people say 'oh, i slept great, i slept like a baby' really? what babies have you met? if sleeping like a baby means crying all night and pooping, by that definition i slept like a baby from 1979 to 1992! i had dificulty sleeping as a kid, i'd get scared. i'd worry about a monster in the closet, cause there's nothing scarier than a monster who refuses to admit that he's gay.'

- kristen bell

= jason aldean

tweet cheer

always with the ass mode! craig ferguson introduced another new tweets and email jingle to the show. this time it is in the style of a sort of 70's rock song that would be featured in a half time show at a sports event (think 'we will rock you'). there is also something in the lyrics about making love with his feet? man, these things keep getting weirder and weirder...

4-13-11

+ 'its a great day if you like the hockey', craig ferguson shares, 'you know the old skate and sticks, the oval circle, the puck top soccer, the canadian baseball, the ice-aroni. you know what i'm talking about. the nhl playoffs started tonight. here in l.a. the l.a. kings are taking on the san jose sharks. i'm a bit of an l.a. kings fan, i wasnt when i first came here, cause having to cheer for kings is part of the reason i left the old country, but i came around eventually. they havent been around that long, but l.a. kings fans can be fierce. literally fierce, like 'i love a man with no teeth!'. but to be honest i'm glad l.a. hockey fans arent as intense as canadian hockey fans. this is true, right now in canada they are thinking about postponing an important political debate because its going to conflict with a hockey game. can you believe that? an entire nation is willing to put democracy on hold to watch burly guys smash each other in the face. that is awesome! we salute you canada, you've got your priorities right!'

= ashley judd

* evan michelson

-> maz jobrani