6-28-12

+ 'its a great day for president obama', craig ferguson states, 'his health care was upheld by the supreme court.  the president apparently had three speeches prepared this morning:  one if the law was overturned, one if it was upheld, and one if joe biden chewed up the other two.  the president is very cocky now, he released a statement today saying 'you know who this health care doesnt affect?  osama bin laden!'  and then he added 'yeah, i was born in kenya, so what?'.  the media went nuts this morning, all the different media outlets of course have their own point of view: msnbc went 'yeah!', at fox news all the conservatives were like 'grrrr', and bravo was like 'one more day till magic mike opens!'  you know that some people watching cnn were so shocked that they started rioting!  just kidding, no one watches cnn.  you know, one thing is for sure, now that health care is assured, i'm going to be frying everything i eat!  thats me, fried food and cigarettes!  i'm going to deep fry cigarettes and get all the goodness!'
- denis leary
= brandi carlile

6-27-12

uh oh!  looks like the lights are out again!
'i know what you are thinking: 'oh craig, it looks like an episode of twilight on your show tonight!' the lighting is sort of working but not working at the show tonight', craig ferguson explains, 'some electricity is getting in and other electricity is not getting in.  what happened was that there was we have got the power but it fused in our can. whatever that is.  i'm not kidding, there's like a dozen electricians working backstage.  we should bring out the electricians.  come on out!  rest assured that these gentlemen will do their best to fix our can and we will continue to do the show the best we can.  also, this answers another question: is cbs unionized?'
- lisa kudrow
# harvey weinstein

goeff's snake mug

craig ferguson has one of the coolest mugs on tv!  he always has his trusty coiled mug on his desk during 'the late late show', sipping from it when ever he is thirsty, or whenever a guest is particularly bad...  well, have you noticed that geoff has his own snake mug as well?

i ordered myself one of craig's mugs, and now i've got geoff's mug as well!  i ordered it from houseoftasso.com, which is about the only place you can find these things online!  they did such a great job with the coiled mug, that i knew they would deliver for the geoff snake mug as well.  sure enough, it arrived safe and in one piece- thanks guys!

when i got it i found a bit of a surprise- you cant really tell from seeing it on the show, but there is a little ceramic snake head poking up from inside the mug!  i'm sure it would be pretty funny if you are drinking coffee from it and as you drink there is a creepy snake head that reveals itself the more you drink!  i may have to try that, actually...

6-26-12

+ 'its a great day if you are a spice girl fan', craig feruson shares, 'and who isnt?  everybody loves the spice girls!  who were the spice girls again?  there was posh, sporty, sleepy, dopey, grumpy, regis, and tito.  anyway, the spice girls were a huge band, they were like that band 'one direction', but not quite as girly...  oh, i feel the wrath of teenage girls already!  calm down, girls, its a joke!  cause i know teenage girls never miss this show...  anyway, the spice girls are reunited today to announce a new stage play based on their music.  its going to be like 'mamma mia' except crap!'
- william shatner
- breckin meyer

6-25-12

+ 'it turns out that the golden state, california, is sinking faster than ever before', craig ferguson informs, 'scientists say that sea levels here will rise six inches by 2020.  six inches!  it gets worse though, scientists say that over the next 100 years the coast of california will sink almost five feet.  five feet!  that actually doesnt really matter unless you are tom cruise or ryan seacrest, who cares?  its going to be tough for them in their little cars!  now, i'm going to go out on a limb here and say that climate change is a serious problem.  we are all going to have to do what we can, unless that means i have to change stuff, then i'm not doing it!  i am not giving up my coal powered hot tub or my steam car or my hair spray.  seriously, if we dont act now the freeways here in l.a. will be under water and we will all be riding italian gondolas to work- which would be faster than driving on the freeways here anyway!'
- elijah wood
- kathleen rose perkins

guess what her majesty is thinking

every once in a while craig ferguson adds another option for the guests to select as their interview time draws to a close.  after recently receiving a collectible plate of the queen's jubilee from carrie fischer, craig has decided to add an option taking advantage of this item.  its called 'guess what her majesty is thinking'.  craig explains it like this: 'we have imagined a scenario where her majesty the queen has been falsely imprisoned, you must guess her thoughts'.  craig then holds the plate (which has been encased in a black box with two jail bars over the front of it) in front of his face and, with a high voice, impersonates the queen!  man, this stuff just gets weirder and weirder, huh?

6-22-12

+ jeff daniels starts the show with a song!  'last night jeff daniels was here but we ran out of time and he couldnt do his song, so we invited him back to start tonight's show with a song.  are you ready jeff?  i really hope its good...' craig ferguson says.
to introduce his song, jeff daniels says 'neil sedaka wrote a song called 'breaking up is hard to do'.  i wrote a breaking up song called 'baby take your tongue out of my mouth, i'm kissing you goodbye'.  and, boy was it a silly one!
+ 'you know, theres a really good movie coming out that i'm excited about', craig ferguson states, 'now, usually when i come out here and i say there is a great movie coming out i am lying, or high on mescaline.  one of these things may be true tonight, but there really is a great movie coming out, its called 'brave' by pixar, which means its good. which is strange because i'm in it!  the main character is a feisty scottish princess who cant play by the rules. remind you of anyone? she's a great heroine, she's much tougher than most cartoon princesses. because, lets be honest, snow white was defeated by a piece of fruit! the character i play is lord macintosh. a couple years ago i did the voice in 'how to train your dragon' and i'm doing the sequel next. now, the dragon movies are from dreamworks, so i've worked with dreamworks and disney pixar. they are the rivals of dreamworks. its like an east coast and west coast thing- i could end up getting shot by goofy or something! 'ghyuck! west side, bitch!'.'
- mark wahlberg
* sloane crosley

6-21-12

+ 'new york city is crazy right now, there are apparently bees going crazy right now', craig ferguson informs, 'i dont know whats going on with bees, last year everyone was like 'all the bees are gone!  there's no bees left!  oh no, the bees!'  now they are all swarming?  they are like the kardashians- they are everywhere!  its dangerous to have a plague of bees in this hot weather, its difficult to warn people.  cause you go 'swarm!' and they say 'i know its warm, whats your point, mister?'  'swarm! swarm!'  anyway, the bee infestation thing is scary, new yorkers are tense, they are on edge and ready to snap at any second.  and then they found out about the bees!  now, if you are ever attacked by bees always remember: stop, drop, and roll.  thats what you do: stop, drop, and roll.  the bees will still sting you, but it looks really funny when you are rolling around down there.'
- jeff daniels
* john irving

6-20-12

+ 'not only is it a great day for america, its also a hot day in america!' craig ferguson states.  'not so much here in l.a., here its just 70 degrees with a heavy douche bag advisery, but thats every day.  in new york it was 102 degrees!  the entire northeast section of the country was hot today, it was so hot today that new yorkers fired mayor bloomburg and hired mayor iceburg!  it was so hot lance armstrong injected himself with cold lemonade.  i blame this strange weather thats going on right now on something that scientists call 'summer'.  today is the summer solstice, today is the day of our maximum axial tilt toward the sun.  its a fancy scientific high falootin way of saying its the longest day of the year.  in england today, thousands of people who call themselves 'modern day druids' gathered together at stonehenge.  they cant sacrifice virgins like the olden days, so they are probably just playing hackey sack.  cause its like an english version of burning man, but with more nudity and less teeth.'
- morgan freeman
= ben dukes

6-19-12

+ 'its not such a great day for the art world', craig ferguson informs, 'police in huston texas are looking for a man who walked into an art museum and spray painted a picasso.  the painting is called 'woman in red armchair'.  they guy who vandalized the painting is still at large.  i'm sure soon the cops will have the right guy in custudy unless he's framed.  ah, there!  see?  there's your shitty late night humor right there!  there's your well crafted little joke put together by a disappointed harvard graduate right there!  thats how it works!  a member of a good american wga, union of writers, put together that joke and i went out there and sold it like i loved it!  ah, thats the end of the good stuff.  anyway, the picasso was worth tens of millions of dollars and then it was ruined in seconds.  i havent seen anything loose value that fast since facebook's ipo.  another joke!  there's two jokes right there- two jokes and only one cuss!'
- steve carell
* don winslow

6-18-12

+ 'its a great day, of course, for sir paul mccartney', craig ferguson shares, 'yes, he's seventy years old today.  he's still the cute one!  i cant believe he's seventy!  some people say that seventy is the new sixty.  and the people who say that are me.  because that makes sixty the new fifty, and that makes fifty the new forty, and thats not too old to get a navel stud!  now, paul is seventy though.  he's going to have to change the lyrics to the song, its no longer 'when i'm sixty four', but now when i WAS sixty four!  let it be is now 'let me pee'.  i think its great that paul mccartney is still putting on concerts at seventy years old.  the only other british musician putting concerts on at seventy is madonna...  the rolling stones are as old as sir paul, and they are still going.   although, rumor has it that they will be breaking up after they tour next summer.  i dont mean the band, i mean pieces of them will actually be breaking off!'
+ first minister of scotland, alex salmond, stops by to help out with tweets and emails!
- kelly macdonald
- kevin mckidd

6-15-12

+ 'it is of course friday- aw, thank goodness! i've been waiting for this day since yesterday!'  craig ferguson exclaims, 'big movie opening today called 'rock of ages'.  its a musical about hair metal bands from the 1980's.  which makes me a bit torn, really.  part of me is like 'do i really want to hear songs that i hated the first time around?'  and the other part of me is like 'its a musical!!!'  to be honest, i'm not the biggest fan of hair metal.  how good can a musical genre be when it is known for its hair style?  a lot of the hair metal songs are popular again because of the video games.  you know, the video games like rock band or guitar hero.  cause nothing says 'rock and roll' like playing a video game in your parent's basement.  what i never understood about guitar hero is that if you go through all the trouble to be good at guitar hero, why dont you just fucking learn the guitar?!?'
- jenna elfman
= imagineers

6-14-12

+ 'there's only one story going on in everyone's mind today', criag ferguson shares, 'are you going to accept pizza from vending machines?!?  thats right!  its true!  in a few months pizza vending machines will be installed all over america.  this is great news!  just when you thought america couldnt get any more awesome, pizza vending machines!  even al quida is thinking 'i was so certain that i thought i hated america, but pizza vending machines?  i dont know what to do!'  the pizza vending machine is the brain child of an italian entrepreneur, and as far as i am concerned, this is the guy that deserves a nobel prize!  more so than the 2011 winner saul perlmutter, his accelerating the expansion theory of the universe is a bunch of crap!  hey perlmutter, accelerate to hell!'
* don rickles
- max greenfield

6-13-12

+ 'tonight was the premier of the new version of the tv show dallas', craig ferguson informs, 'and it has larry hagman in it!  he was the original j.r.  dallas was the original prime time soap, it was great.  it had the cool plot twists and the evil twins, the amnisiacs.  it had an entire season that turned out to be a dream!  thats true, they actually did that on dallas.  a character's husband died and a year later she wakes up and realizes its all a dream and her husband was standing there waiting for her in the shower!  which is weird, because waking up with some guy in the shower is how my dreams start!  the producers of the new dallas are hoping people remember the shower scene thing because they are using that image in the advertisements.  j.r. is even wearing a cowboy hat in the shower!  the original dallas started back in 1978.  back then america was very different:  we had an ineffective one term president, gas prices were through the roof, we were in a stand off with iran...  i'm glad those dark days are over!'
- ellen page
= lee brice

6-12-12

+ 'it is of course, a great day for the superb los angeles kings!'  craig ferguson exclaims, 'hey canadians, if you are looking for the stanley cup, its right here!  no, the l.a. kings beat the new jersey devils and they brought the cup to l.a.  tinsel town is now hockey town.  although, those of us who have to live here will always know it as crap town.  first of all, let me just say, if you are a fan of the new jersey devils, you may not get the stanley cup, but you get the new jersey equivalent:  the snookie cup!  which you can still fill it up with booze and pass it around to all your friends...  the l.a. kings have been around for 45 years and this is the first time they have won the stanley cup.  it was a bit of a scandal after the game though because some of the players tested positive for having their own teeth!'
- andy garcia
- cody horn

6-11-12

+ 'last week i got my colonoscopy', craig ferguson shares, 'i was going to upload the pictures online.  i did!  i got it, my long awaited colonoscopy.  i kept putting it off and putting it off.  i was going to upload the full video of it but i decided to hold off because i want morgan freeman to narrate it.  cause everything is better if you've got morgan freeman narrating, it gives it a classier feel.  it classes everything up!  no, i was really nervous, i was on the way there and i was trying to take my mind off it.  it didn't help that the sidewalk was under construction and i had to enter through the back door, i'm thinking 'get it out of your mind!'  in the waiting room the newspaper said something about fannie may.  'get it out of your mind!'  and the movie playing on the tv was 'rear window'...  the doctor was great through, i asked him if there was anything abnormal.  he said 'well, you smiling during the procedure is a little abnormal...'.'
- jason schwartsman
> rory scovel

a new director

at the end of the week, craig took a little bit of time at the end of friday's episode to recognize someone who is leaving the show: 'we mess around on the show, but i want to take a minute now to bid farewell to our director brian mcaloon who has been directing this show since tom snyder was doing it, he did it when craig kilborn was doing it, and he's been doing it for the 8 years i've been doing it.  i'm really sorry, man!  he's been working at the worldwide pants company that makes this show for 32 years and finally he's got something better.'
the next monday, craig has on the new director, tim mancinelli, and welcomes him to the show.  granted, tim has been an assistant director in the show for 17 years, so he might already have a pretty good idea of how things should go!  there are already some slight changes, including the shot over geoff's shoulder pictured above.  should be fun to keep an eye out for any other subtle differences as time goes on!

bridger: car breaker.

'please state your name for the folks at home.' craig asks as he circles bridger, who works on the late late show.
'bridger winegar'.
'now, tell the folks where you work, bridger.' craig asks.
'the late late show'.
'now, bridger, you are dressed up in a costume this evening which i suspect is making you a little uncomfortable.  is that true?'
'um, yes.'  bridger admits meekly.
'any idea why you are dressed in that costume, bridger?'
'ah, no.'
'bridger, what is your position here at this show?'  craig asks.
'um, i'm a production assistant'.
'bridger, did you go and fetch anyone's car recently from anyone's house?'
'yes...'  bridger responds, finally putting together where craig is taking this conversation.
'bridger, when you were fetching that car for someone, did you crash that fucking car?'
'yes'.
'well, guess what, bridger.  i today got the estimate for the repair bill on that car.  so you better get used to this costume buddy.  i'm only kidding pal, its all right, dont worry about it.  its fine.  i didnt really like that car anyway.'
'its a nice car'.
'it was, it was a nice car. now? its a piece of crap.  the main thing is that we have moved passed it.'
'i hope so...'

6-01-12

+ 'there's a big movie opening this weekend and i'm very excited about it', craig ferguson states, 'ha ha ha!  i couldnt give a rats ass!  but its a big movie, its snow white and the huntsman.  what they are doing, hollywood is taking a beloved children's story and turning it into another one of those twilight things.  if they really want to make money on this thing, they should call it snow white and the avengers!  snow white is the girl from twilight, you know, the angry stoned girl?  she's got to be high because she didnt choose jacob- whats wrong with you!  the movie also has charlize theron as the evil queen and every morning she speaks into her mirror and asks 'mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?'  thats in the movie.  she's a person willing to commit murder just to keep a more youthful appearance.  we have a name for that type of person in los angeles, its called 'everyone'.'
- jeff garlin
- sonya walger

5-31-12

+ 'its not such a great day for those who live in new york city', craig ferguson shares, 'mayor bloomburg is cracking down on the dangerous threat to the big apple right now: soda.  its true, he wants to outlaw sodas and other sugary drinks over 16 ounces.  in the streets of manhattan people are enraged, they were yelling, shaking their fists.  and then they heard about the soda ban and were furious!  this ban only applies to large sodas, 16 ounces or more.  so if this ban were kardashians, they would only be banning khloe.  new yorkers, i've got a tip for you: here's a way to get around the ban, just buy two 12 ounce sodas.  that way you get all the soda you wont in exchange for paying twice the sales tax.  bloomburg, you midget genius!  health experts say that banning sugary drinks is a way to cure the obesity epidemic.  the soda industry says they have medical studies showing that soda does not cause obesity.  unfortunately, these studies were done by a dr. pepper.'
- carrie fisher
- tony hale

5-30-12

+ 'what was on espn today?' craig ferguson asks, 'the national spelling bee.  i watched it.  i was so glad i payed for cable...  go spelling!  they say that the national spelling bee is open for anyone who has not yet finished 8th grade.  hey, i qualify!  for a while there, schools across the country were banning spelling bees for obvious reasons: steroids.  some people take the spelling bee very seriously, these people are called 'parents of children in the spelling bee'.  you know, trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words.  we didnt have the spelling bee when i was a kid, we had the punching bee.  you know, 'how do you spell cat?' 'stop asking questions!' pop!'
- howie mandel
- sutton foster

5-29-12

+ 'today they announced that they are going to auction off elvis' tomb', craig ferguson states, 'this auction house in memphis is actually selling the place where elvis left the building!  he's not still there, of course, he's buried in graceland.  i dont know if i would buy a tomb.  who would buy a tomb?  i dont need a scary dark place with a skeleton, i've got this place here!'
- dj qualls who brings geoff a special gift from his visit to london!
-> wolfgang puck

5-28-12

+ 'you know, its memorial day', craig ferguson states, 'and that means summer is here.  a lot of americans had today off, not me of course.  how long do i have to be a citizen before i get the day off?  anyone who is important in this town had plans today, going to pool parties and barbeques except me and the audience.  all the other late night talk shows are in repeats, but not us!  because this show cares and imigrant labor is cheap.  also, we are taking next week off.  oops, i'm not supposed to say that!  all right, we will be here next week and i've decided the theme for next week will be 'stuff i've talked about before'!  i dont do well at barbeques anyway, that type of thing.  i'm afraid of the sun.  i wear shorts hiked up to my nipples, socks pulled up to my thighs, i wear the giant old people robot sunglasses- i actually cant wait to move to florida.  'welcome to the late late show, now at 3:00 pm!  so you can get to bed!'.'
- benjamin mckensie
- shohreh aghdashloo

5-25-12

+ 'its a big weekend at the movies!  are you ready for the most anticipated movie of the summer?' craig ferguson asks, 'well, i'm sorry, batman is not out for another couple of months.  but, this weekend there is men in black 3!  so for all of you who are sick of sequels and comic book movies, hollywood has an answer:  this one is a sequel and a comic book movie!  men in black 3 is probably a pretty good movie, though, cause its got will smith in it.  everyone likes will smith.  even al quida loves will smith!  'oh, death to america, except the fresh prince!  i love how he gets jiggy with it!'.  it also stars tommy lee jones, now this is tricky for me because i often get him confused with tommy lee.  now, tommy lee jones and tommy lee are very very different.  one is a wild man who is always on drugs and trying to show you his penis, and the other is in the band motley crue.  apparently there are some celebrity cameos in this as well, lady gaga is in it.  she is a really weird looking creature from another planet.  i dont know what her role in the movie is, though.  i like how the men in black films suggest that certain famous people are aliens.  its funny cause we know celebrities arent aliens in real life.  (they are!  they are!).'
- jason alexander, who gets into a bit of trouble with what he talks about...
- angela kinsey

5-24-12

+ 'its a great day to be in new york city', criag ferguson shares, 'its fleet week!  you know, when dozens of the u s navy ships dock and sailors can go and party in the big apple- 'new york, new york!'  yep, fleet week in new york, and i'm stuck here.  sigh.  when all the sailors are on leave, things can get a big rowdy in new york, all the drinking and hooting, and whistling, and sex being solicited in every corner.  but eventually the police will taser regis philbin and we can all get back to our fun!  this is the first fleet week since the military repealed the 'dont ask, dont tell', so new york's only gay hotel is actually handing out coupons for affordable packages... and they also have deals on groups of rooms!'
- alfred molina
= sara watkins

5-23-12

+ 'the american idol finale was on earlier tonight!' craig ferguson shares, 'i dont watch it, but you've got to respect it though, its turned out to be the archetype for hundreds of shows.  without american idol there wouldnt be 'the x factor', 'the voice', 'sing sing, ya fat bastard', 'dance, monkey, dance', 'i cant believe its not butter'...  american idol started out in britain, they called it pop idol.  there are now versions all around the world, youve got canadian idol, italian idol, german idol.  well, german idol is just french idol, they just took it... anyway, one of tonights finalists is named phillip phillips.  i think that sounds like lazy parenting to me!  'what name would you like your baby, mrs. phillips?'  'phillip.  what do you want, i just had a fucking baby!'.  congratulations to both of tonights finalists, they are both very talented, of course.  but you dont need to be talented to be on tv.  clearly!  being successful at show business is more about working hard and kissing ass, or working hard at kissing ass.  but i refused to work hard or kiss ass.  and thats how i ended up here in the basement at cbs.  with a robot skeleton.'
- jennifer love hewitt
- rutina wesley

5-22-12

+ 'a new survey came out today that lists the american cities with the worst traffic', criag ferguson informs, 'i figured its got to be new york or l.a., right?  wrong!  its honolulu hawaii!  i know!  now, there is a silver lining for the people who live in hawaii and deal with this traffic.  on the one hand they have the worst traffic in the country, but on the other hand, you live in hawaii!  its beautiful!  its not like you live in craptown, or doucheburg, or reno.  no disrespect to the people of reno, but your town really is a dump.  the people are really nice, they must be to put up with the people of that town!  i've said too much...  i think the traffic is bad in hawaii because everyone is driving slowly to see the scenery.  i've been there, in the same afternoon i saw a volcanic eruption, a couple dudes in grass skirts, and a big flowery lay.  then i left my hotel room and drove around hawaii...  anyway, according to the survey, the second worst traffic is los angeles.  i've always thought the traffic here moves pretty well, it only gets jammed up if something terrible happens like a light drizzle.'
- billy bob thornton

5-21-12

+ 'its a great day to be mark zuckerberg', criag ferguson informs, 'when is it not?  he's not just rich anymore, he's rich rich!  he's 'dip your balls in gold' rich!  on friday, mark zuckerberg took facebook public and made 80 billion dollars.  80 billion dollars!  even mitt romney was like 'damn!'  anyway, facebook went public.  for those who dont know, facebook is a website, people use it to keep in touch with hundreds of their friends and enemies.  people use it to keep in touch with their enemies and friends, and people they barely know.  in the 80's i had something similar, it was called 'my penis'.  i have no idea how facebook makes money, its baffling, especially when i realized that they dont even do porn!  i've made it a rule never to invest in anything i cant explain, which is pretty limiting because there is a lot of stuff i cant explain.  for example, last night was the start of season seven of the kardashians.  you explain that to me!  season seven?!?  what the hell do they do?!?  i guess you cant really explain the kardashians, i look at it this way: the guillotine drew a crowd too...  
- steven wright helps out with the emails
- jeffrey dean morgan

5-18-12

+ on the last day in scotland, mila kunis, michael clarke duncan, and ariel tweto all enjoy the view from the top of edinburgh castle.
+ craig ferguson and mila kunis walk through a park as craig shares a story from his youth.  'one night when i was on what the kids call 'lsd', i was walking in this very spot when i was attacked by killer ducks!  the ducks in this pond attacked me!  it had nothing to do with the drugs.  i was walking and i heard 'quack!' and i started to run and they came after me!  imagine the zombie apocalypse, except with ducks.'  back to craig and geoff fishing off the pier at arbroath harbour.
+ prince charles' castle.  while at the castle, craig sits down with david sedaris and has a good chat.  micheal clarke duncan, geoff peterson, and craig ferguson hang out in front of craig's high school.  craig and ariel tweto visit the grave of greyfriars kirkyard and share the story of greyfriars' bobby.
+ prince charles' castle.  back at the tron bar, craig talks with michael clarke duncan in front of the crowd.
+ geoff peterson, ariel tweto, and rashida jones go to the fettercairn brewery to see where whiskey comes from!  the imagineers perform again for the tron bar crowd.
+ craig and geoff talk about what fun they have had the past week in scotland while they play a little billiards.  'i've had a very nice time here in scotland.  its been very nice.  i've rather enjoyed it.  its very different, you know they say you can never go back, but you can.  have you ever heard that line in the poem 'the past is another country, they do things differently there'?'
'yeah', geoff says.
'well, you could say the same thing about sweden, couldnt you?  sweden is another country, they do things differently there too.'
'yeah they do'.
'but we are not going to sweden next time, are we?'
'no, that would be kind of cool!'
'no no, i like scotland, but i think we need to stay home in america for a while.  whats the first thing you are going to do when you get back to america?'  craig asks geoff.
'i'm going to plug myself in to the wall and stand behind a podium.'
'you know', craig responds, 'thats exactly what i'm going to do!'
and to close of their time in scotland, the imagineers play the show out with another rendition of the late late show theme song!

5-17-12

+ still in scotland, craig shows us around the kalvingrove art gallery and museum, stopping to check out the christ of st. john of the cross by dali, and checking out the egyptian section of the gallery as well.  back at the castle, craig and geoff hang out at the piano and play another song.
+ michael caine in space in scotland. now in edinburgh, craig and mila kunis stop in at deacon brodie's tavern for a quick drink where they discuss the creepy history of the place.
+ prince charles' castle.  craig and ariel tweto talk about a spitfire plane hanging in the kalvingrove art gallery and museum and have a little pilot talk.
+ craig takes mila kunis and ariel tweto to a local store that sells scottish things.  the two ladies try on kilts and get to be silly with craig around the store.
+ back at the tron bar, craig once again has an impromptu late late show with geoff peterson by his side.  this time, the two of them talk with the 'scottish elvis', fred macaulay.  the two of them talk about when they knew each other when they used to do stand up comedy in the good old days.
+ more evening crumpets with rashida jones, ariel tweto, and davis sedaris.  they get the chance to talk about igloos, scottish accents, swearing, and tattoos.  another performance by the imagineers.

5-16-12

+ 'its a great day for scotland', craig ferguson says while walking the streets of his hometown, 'this is cumbernauld, you've probably heard about it.  ha ha!  no you havent!  its about 13 miles out of glasgow, its where i lived as a child.  this, behind me, is the first house i lived in.  its weird because everything is a lot bigger than i thought it was going to be, i thought it would be smaller, but everything is bigger than i remember it: my house, the street, my genitals.  back then, all i thought about was my house, my street, and my genitals.  now, i never think about my house and my street.'
craig then stops by his old school and check out how things have changed.  craig also sits down at a piano with geoff at the glamis castle.  he even writes a song about how much he loves geoff...
+ michael caine in space in scotland.  michael clarke duncan and craig chat while enjoying some chocolate covered raisins in front of craig's old garage.  while filming in front of his old house, craig even gets invited in by the current resident!  the two of them chat for a while as craig regales her with strange stories of his youth.
+ prince charles' castle.  craig and michael clarke duncan wander through craig's old school, even stopping in to a classroom and talking with the current students.  craig also stops in to talk to walter muir, the head teacher at the school to ask him about how things have changed since craig was there.  muir presents craig with a few gifts: the school uniform tie, and a framed copy of the school ledger from all those years ago that shows craig dropping out of school!  craig and geoff do another impromptu version of the late late show in the school's parking lot, answering tweets and emails in front of the students.
+ evening crumpets once again with david sedaris, ariel tweto, and rashida jones.  a performance by the imagineers.  also, a strange time warp meeting between craig ferguson as an adult and his younger self when he used to live here.  strange!

5-15-12

+ craig ferguson and his guests ride around on a tiny train and tiny truck in arbroath!
+ stopping for a snack, craig stops to get a smokie in dundee.  more michael caine in space in scotland.
+ prince charles' castle.  sitting on the beach in arbroath with rashida jones.
+ craig sits down in the middle of arbroath abbey with alex salmond, the first minister of scotland.  they have a very enlightening conversation about the declaration of arbroath as well as the ins and outs of scottish independence.
+ craig and geoff fishing off the end of the pier in arbroath.  back at the tron club, craig holds an impromptu version of 'the late late show' with geoff peterson, and interviews mila kunis.
+ back enjoying a smokie with ariel tweto.  another performance by the imagineers.  a moment on the plane to scotland with ariel tweto.

5-14-12

+ craig ferguson goes to scotland!  his journey starts out in his normal studio in los angeles, and after a quick song, he heads into the tardis with secretariat.  it disappears and emerges at glamis castle in northern scotland.  after sharing some cool info about the castle, he heads off to do some fishing with geoff peterson at the arbroath harbour.
+michael caine in space in scotland
craig and mila kunis walk around the glasgow necropolis and talk about life and death as they check out the monument to john knox at the center of the cemetery.
+ craig and michael clarke duncan wander the streets of craig's hometown cumbernauld and head into a local bar, the spur hotel, that holds a lot of history for craig.  'the last time i was here i got beat up', craig ferguson shares, 'see, if you would have been here i would have been alright!  want to hear the story?'
'sure' replies duncan
'this is how my finger got broken:  i was in here 30 years ago.  i was downstairs and cal calhoune walked in.  here's the thing, he was cal calhoune, the best fighter in the town.  when he comes in to the bar downstairs, heres what happened was, unfortunately there was a girl sitting on my knee.  he got pretty mad cause it was his girlfriend.'
'what were you doing with his girlfriend?'
'well, there were hardly any seats... she used my leg.  i didnt want to be rude' craig replies.  'he kicked my ass right up those stairs cause i was running away.  he kicked me in the side of my head and broke my finger, ever since then my finger is bent, and you want to know the weirdest thing?  my first born son's finger is bent in the same place!'
+ craig and rashida jones walk down the beach at arbroath.  later, at the tron theater, craig holds a bare bones version of his show with geoff peterson.  his guest is ariel tweto and he chat for a while in front of a packed house.
+ back at glamis castle, criag enjoys some evening crumpets with rashida jones, david sedaris, and ariel tweto. they have a rather interesting discussion about colostomy bags and amputations...  we end with a performance by the imagineers.

craig goes to scotland

obviously inspired by the success of their trip to paris, craig ferguson is taking the late late show on the road again!  this time he is going with geoff peterson and secretariat to his old home in scotland!  taking a few guests with him, craig will be spending the week with michael clarke duncan, david sedaris, ariel tweto, and rashida jones.

5-11-12

+ 'sunday is, of course, mothers day', criag ferguson reminds, 'so to all you mothers out there, happy mothers day!  there is an old jewish proverb, which i know of course because i'm scottish, it says 'god could not be everywhere, so he created mothers'.  you know, if you want to know what to do with mother for mothers day is take her to brunch.  thats what everybody does.  lets go for brunch!  i dont know how that became a mothers day thing.  breakfast too early, i've got plans for lunch- lets have brunch!  my mother did so much for me as a kid, she told me one day i would go to the moon.  so i took acid, and she was right!'
* larry king
- anna chlumsky

5-10-12

+ 'its not a great day if you live here in l.a. who are trying to drive and get around', craig ferguson shares, 'multiple freeways are shut down because president obama is in town for a fundraiser.  forty grand a plate!  cause nothing says 'man of the people' like demanding forty grand for some rubbery chicken.  they are calling this fundraiser 'starmageddon' because a lot of big hollywood stars are going to be there.  they are having up at george clooney's house up in studio city.  its a nice area, i like that some l.a. neighborhoods are named for exactly what they are.  studio city has movie studios there, right across the freeway from north douchetown, next to the kardashian tar pits.  which is where they go to get waxed.'
* christiane amanpour
- anna kendrick

5-09-12

+ 'today president obama said that he supports gay marriage.' craig ferguson states, 'which is great news for the gay community, but it wasnt all positive though.  he said that he thought the show glee may have jumped the shark.  mitt romney responded by restating his own views on marriage.  he said 'marriage should only take place between two consenting rich people'.  then he said that he had no problem with gay people because one of his best friends owns san francisco.  now, its a big step forward for gay rights.  soon we may live in a world where the only people against gay marriage will be those who are gay married.  i've said this before, but if you want to stop gay marriage, ban gay divorce!'
+ the rather late programme with prince charles
- jenna fischer
- danny huston

5-08-12

+ 'its a great day to be a teacher' craig ferguson states, 'today is teacher appreciation day.  the first national teacher's day was back in 1953, that was... what?... almost 300 years ago?  the traditional gift for a teacher is an apple.  may i suggest instead cash?  pay all the teachers more, they dont need apples.  pay the teachers more, except the art teachers, they dont need more money because all they want to do is get high on the glue and markers!  if i ran the world, teachers would make whatever they wanted because without teachers we wouldnt have schools. without schools we wouldnt have had the show 'saved by the bell', and without saved by the bell, we wouldnt have mario lopez.  i rest my case.  these days teachers have it rough, kids these days are all hyper active now and disobedient and obnoxious.  it must be like being locked in a room full of drunk midgets, being a teacher.  maybe not as much fun.  i've always appreciated my teachers.  when i was 16 i gave them the greatest gift i could think of: i dropped out of school.  i went back to my high school recently and everything was completely different!  the cafeteria had food that you could actually eat, the nurse didn't use leeches any more, there was no more corporal punishment at all- it was horrendous!  i said to the principle 'how could everything have changed so much?  how a building that, in my day, was associated with chaos and violence, surly drunkenness, had now become a place of learning?'  he said 'well, as soon as you left everything just straightened right up'.'
= steven tyler
- jaime king

5-07-12

+ 'it is a great day for our friends in france, and the french too!' craig ferguson jests, 'yesterday they elected a new president, and the french are going nuts!  today the streets of paris were filled with people going 'i dont care. life is meaningless...'  politics in france is a bit different than it is here, when the french secret service hire prostitutes its not a scandal, its called test driving mistresses for your boss.  thats all it is!  i wish our elections were just like those in france, and by that i mean i wish it were over.  it hasnt even started yet- we've got months of this crap left...'
- poppy montgomery
- steve guttenberg

5-04-12

+ 'big movie opening today, the one everyone has been talking about: the avengers', craig ferguson shares, 'this is the movie that combines all your favorite superheroes, except batman and spider-man and superman and aquaman.  and the michelin man, and the director michael man, and the singer aimee mann.  i dont know who's in the movie.  its got iron man and and a bunch of other men.  and any movie with that many men in it- where do i buy a ticket, mister?  anyway,  the avengers is the first blockbuster of the summer.  it costs 220 million dollars to make.  now, to give you an idea how much money that it, if you take the yearly budget of this show and add 220 million dollars...  apparently the original comic of the avengers had another superhero who was called ant man.  this is true, but they didnt put him in the movie.  ant man would have been awesome!  he could solve any problem, right or wrong, provided it took place at a picnic!'
- zooey deschanel
- patrick warburton

vests!

as the years go by, craig ferguson gets better and better dressed!  years ago, back when craig ferguson was just coming into his own on 'the late late show with craig ferguson', craig opted out of the traditional clothing for a talk show host: the suit and tie.  he never quite ditched the suit, but the tie was nowhere to be found.  as time went on, either the pressure from cbs got too much, or because he wanted a change, craig started wearing a tie.  he didnt go all in, always having to stick it to the man at least a little bit, he would wear their tie, but he kept it loose and the top button of his shirt was always undone.  well, it seems like he has made peace with the tie, tightening it up all the way to the top, and he's even begun wearing a vest under his jacket!  oh la la!  it kind of goes against the loose structure of the show, but i'm starting to think thats exactly why he does it.  he hasnt really addressed his reason for the change, but when he does, i'll keep you posted!

5-03-12

+ 'our president is in a little bit of hot water', craig ferguson states, 'a new biography about the president says that he took artistic liberties with his memoir.  it said that he fictionalized details for narrative clarity.  what the biography means is that president obama made some crap up.  i'm like 'how is this news? he's a politician, how do you think he became the president?'  you make crap up!  you come out of college and start lying and you just dont quite!  normally a little fib about a girlfriend wouldnt be a big deal, like the rest of us the president is aloud to stretch the truth a little bit now and then.  for instance, every morning he can tell joe biden that if he fetches the paper he'll get to drive train force one.  technically that is a lie, there is no train force one, but biden doesnt know that!  obama made this stuff up though in a memoir, and memoirs are supposed to be true.  or are they?  the word memoir comes from a french word that means memory.  its weird to me that obama chose to fabricate in his memoir because it wasnt something cool he made up like hitting six home runs in a little league game or faking his own birth certificate.  no, it was something lame, he just compressed several girlfriends into one character.  i'm thinking 'oh very smooth'.  if there's one thing i know that women love, its being blurred together with other women.  i recently wrote a memoir, i know how hard it is to remember the exact details of stuff that happened decades ago.  luckily i had a crack team of researches on my side, they are known as the scottish police!  apparently when you get arrested people fill out a report and they write it down!  they explain why and even include one or two or thirty pages explaining what went down!  anyway, the publisher told me that it was legally ok to change names of people in a memoir to save them from embarrassment.  but when i tried to take them up on it, they wouldnt let me change my own name!'
- julie andrews
- michael emerson

5-02-12

+ 'its a great day if you like to hang around the airports', craig ferguson states, 'today travel and leisure magazine came out with their list of america's best airports.  topping the list is minniapolis st paul.  i was surprised until i saw the factors the used to make the decision:
1. percent of flights on time
2. bathrooms with senators gettin' it on
3. close to city center
4. people talking like they're in the movie 'fargo'
5. hand dryers powerful enough to warm your junk
you know what i just though?  why do we make a list of five things?  why not make a list of ten things every night and then count down from 10...  hey, if you are going to steal stuff, make sure its within the family!  anyway, the airport survey, i'm annoyed at it.  i get annoyed at these things because they always give airports high marks for weird stuff like indoor gardens and yoga rooms.  i dont give a crap about any of that!  i want stuff that really matters, like how quickly can i get out of a baggage claim after stealing somebody's suitcase?  and then this survey has a category for best airport bars.  i'm like 'wha?'  airport bars always freak me out, they are always like star wars.  its one of the two places where its acceptable to be drunk off your ass at seven o'clock in the morning.  one is an airport bar, and the other is a place in ireland called 'ireland'.'
- anjelica huston
- reno wilson

5-01-12

+ 'its may day today', craig ferguson reminds, 'its the first of may.  now, dont confuse that with mayo day, which is the day i slather everything in mayonnaise.  everything except my food.  well, i do butter my crumpets...  anyway, i'm not that excited about may this year because this month i reach a big milestone.  i turn... 30 this year.  no, i turn 50 this month!  that means i have to undergo certain 'procedures'.  right now a doctor in los angeles is going 'ferguson is coming in soon, reinforce the ass camera'.  anyway, may day is when we celebrate the labor movement.  today 'occupy wall street' held protests all over the country.  they've been quiet for a while, so this is part way to let people know they are back in business.  i let people know i'm back in business the old fashioned way: show a little leg, put a red light outside the door.  thats right, i am a prostitute.  a mayonnaise covered prostitute with buttered crumpets!'
- jesse tyler ferguson
- lennon parham

4-30-12

+ 'i had a fantastic weekend', craig ferguson shares, 'i was doing the stand up comedy in the pacific northwest.  i was up in portland oregon.  i love it up there, its so relaxed!  the city motto is 'whatever, dude'.  they say theres a lot of hipsters up there.  but i'm like 'what is a hipster?'  because i'm into doctor who, i like vinyl records, i'm a griffindor.  does that make me a hipster?  more of a dorkster?  only the sorting hat knows for sure!  or maybe i'm just a creepy old douche.  anyway, i went to a great dinner in portland, it was very old school, it was the original hot cakes and steak house.  i was confused at first because of the name.  hot cakes and steak.  that was the name of the boy band i was in in the 80's with mario lopez!  anyway, i was at this dinner in portland, i was there quite late because of this show i was working on so i went quite late.  there were a couple other patrons there about 2:00 am and they seemed... hungry...  i dont want to say that people in portland smoke a lot of weed, but the state bird is the iguana!'
- jim gaffigan
-> cat cora

4-27-12

+ 'the big movie i'm interested in this weekend is the raven', craig ferguson states, 'it looks creepy because its about edger allen poe, who was a big creepy dude.  he was like the 19th century kardashian.  he was a brilliant writer, so i guess he's nothing like a kardashian.  what?  thats news?  'craig, are you saying that the kardashians are not america's foremost literary family?'  thats exactly what i'm saying!  there is no other writer quite like edger allen poe, there's none that can make your spine tingle quite like him.  then again, any writer can make your spine tingle if you are reading on the washing machine...  edger allen poe is most famous for his poem entitled 'the raven'.  thats why the movie is called the raven.  i'd like to see the movie just so i can yell at the screen 'thats so raven!'.'
- patton oswalt
- phoebe tonkin

scotland- coming soon!

after the success of the paris episodes, it looks like 'the late late show with craig ferguson' is on the road again!  this time they are going to visit craig's homeland of scotland!  craig recently showed off this cool video to entice us to watch the scotland episodes.  they are going to air may 14-18, so make sure you check them out!  the scotland video craig showed can be seen here.

4-26-12

+ 'its a big day if you are a fan of the football', craig ferguson reminds, 'the first round of the nfl draft was earlier tonight, because we are live of course.  it was earlier tonight at radio city music hall.  and as blind luck would have it i will be performing at radio city music hall on october the 6th.  hmm.  but the nfl draft and my comedy show are quite different of course, one is a grand spectacle involving the nations most athletic young men, and the other one is the nfl draft.  normally i dont talk that much about the nfl on this show, but tonight i'm making an exception.  this season the super bowl is on cbs, and also i am a corporate whore.  but lets be honest, the nfl draft is nothing if not exciting.  what happens is that the league basically plucks young people from obscurity and then pits them in a brutal competition to fight to the death.  oh, wait, thats the hunger games.  but its about the same thing...  for those of you who dont know, the 32 nfl teams draft in the reverse order of how they finished in the standings last year.  which means every year the nfl draft allows the best young player coming out of college to realize his life long dream of playing for the crappiest team in football from the year before!  its like, imagine if you will, standing in line for the price is right to only get tickets for this show instead...'
- toni collette
# mike massimino