+ 'not only is it a great day for america, its also a hot day in america!' craig ferguson states. 'not so much here in l.a., here its just 70 degrees with a heavy douche bag advisery, but thats every day. in new york it was 102 degrees! the entire northeast section of the country was hot today, it was so hot today that new yorkers fired mayor bloomburg and hired mayor iceburg! it was so hot lance armstrong injected himself with cold lemonade. i blame this strange weather thats going on right now on something that scientists call 'summer'. today is the summer solstice, today is the day of our maximum axial tilt toward the sun. its a fancy scientific high falootin way of saying its the longest day of the year. in england today, thousands of people who call themselves 'modern day druids' gathered together at stonehenge. they cant sacrifice virgins like the olden days, so they are probably just playing hackey sack. cause its like an english version of burning man, but with more nudity and less teeth.'
- morgan freeman
= ben dukes