the big news today is about justin bieber. oh, you didnt know? or maybe you did know you just didnt give a fuck! apparently a los angeles woman claims she had justin bieber's love child. she claims she hooked up with him backstage at a concert. thats the life of a pop star for you right there! the only thing that happens to me backstage is a surly teamster comes over and grills at me from time to time. 'you still aint funny, kilborn.' anyway, i hope the justin bieber story isnt true, i like to imagine justin bieber as pure as the driven snow. like the jonas brothers! remember them, young people? of course you dont. if justin did have a baby we can all agree that it would be the cutest baby ever! this will all be cleared up pretty soon. they are going to need a strand of justin's hair to do a DNA test. i'm like 'wha! do not touch his hair!' sure, the woman will have to take a paternity test and then the world will know once and for all who the father is: arnold schwarzenegger!'