+ 'not a great day for herman cain, the pizza man who turned presidential candidate', craig ferguson shares, 'a third woman accused him of sexual harassment. three! then he was immediately endorsed by bill clinton.
the big news today is about justin bieber. oh, you didnt know? or maybe you did know you just didnt give a fuck! apparently a los angeles woman claims she had justin bieber's love child. she claims she hooked up with him backstage at a concert. thats the life of a pop star for you right there! the only thing that happens to me backstage is a surly teamster comes over and grills at me from time to time. 'you still aint funny, kilborn.' anyway, i hope the justin bieber story isnt true, i like to imagine justin bieber as pure as the driven snow. like the jonas brothers! remember them, young people? of course you dont. if justin did have a baby we can all agree that it would be the cutest baby ever! this will all be cleared up pretty soon. they are going to need a strand of justin's hair to do a DNA test. i'm like 'wha! do not touch his hair!' sure, the woman will have to take a paternity test and then the world will know once and for all who the father is: arnold schwarzenegger!'

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