scottish king: June 2010

spaghetti attack!

in the spirit of frendly competition, craig ferguson has been talking back and forth with jimmy fallon on his show on nbc! it all started when craig took out his big mickey mouse glove and waved over to jimmy fallon and asked him to wave back. well, jimmy complied and then send something over craigs way. jimmy, through silly tv magic, shot spaghetti out of his eyes and sent it over to craig, and just at that very moment, if you turned the channel over to cbs, the spaghetti went into craigs eyes!
over on craig's show he stopped mid monologue and stated 'something happening to my eyes! i just got spaghetti in my eyes! delicious spaghetti! wait a minute, i know that taste! thats jimmy fallon's spaghetti!' its really cool to see these two professionals, who are in competition for ratings, having some fun together! who knows, maybe this might lead to craig being on jimmy's show and jimmy being on craigs- now that would be pretty amazing!

everybody wins!

craig ferguson once agian makes the news! this time its an article in entertainment weekly about the late late night wars. they interview craig and jimmy fallon about the friendly competition they have with each other. both of them speak there mind about not wanting a repeat of the late night wars between dave and jay. instead, they are keeping things friendly, in fact, they are going so far as being playful with each other. on more than one occasion they have talked back and forth to each other on their shows! to hear the kind words and level headed sense of competition between the two of them, read the article here!

6-23-10

+ 'starting today there is a huge rock festival in england', craig ferguson informs us, 'its called glastenbury, its the biggest outdoor music festival in the world. its five days of peace and love and ten dollar beers. they do it every year, its like woodstock with less nudity. its like woodstock with out wood is what it is. its huge, and every country has them now, england has glastenbury, here in america we have lolapalooza and coachella, in north korea they have the kim jung il-ith fair, in afganistan they have al quida- palooza. 'ladies and gentlemen, give it up for kenny g.haad!' you know theres some great bands at glastenbury this year, the gorillas are playing the main stage, the pet shop boys are in the smaller stage, and george michael will be hanging out by the restrooms. he's playing duets, though he might be playing solo. you know who was supposed to play glastenbury this year was u2 but they had to cancel because bono hurt his back. i think its because he carries the weight of the world on his tiny little leprechan sholders. its true, bono is in fact part leprichan! yes, 'hi didly hoe, i still havent found what i'm looking for, i still havent found my magic pot o' gold!'

+he got spaghetti in his eyes!

- julia ormond

-> jose andres

summer livin' with sean connery

craig ferguson is at it again! one of his best impressions is that of fellow scotsman sean connery. craig will often don the beard to voice connery in many different situations, from remembering different events to ordering at ihop! this time craig adds a segment of sean connery dispensing his 'wisdom' while lounging on the beach in a hawaiian shirt. 'its amazing to think that waves traveled thousands and thousands of miles through the ocean just to crash at my feet. you know what else is amazing to think about? asian hookers.'

6-22-10

+ 'its day 2 of wimbledon, and day 2 of me not giving a crap', craig ferguson admits, 'theres so much sports going on between wimbledon and the world cup, it seems like there is something for everyone to not care about. i'm not keen on tennis, except of course the u.s. open this fall on cds, i love that! cbs cares. i dont like any sport you can play while you wear a sweater around your shoulders. i've said this before, tennis is just waiving with equipment... if you win wimbledon its considered a big deal. they give two prizes, one for the men and one for the women. the men get a trophy and the women gets a plate? thats a bit sexist. 'congratulations, youve just won wimbledon, now use that plate and rustle up us some sandwiches.'
+ summer livin' with sean connery
+ an apology from syd the cussing rabit
- valerie bertinelli for some reason she wants to take a drink out of craig's mug, but ends up spitting it out all over the place!
- jerry ferrara

syd the cussing rabbit

'i'm here to apologize', craig ferguson shares, 'apparently there has been a rabbit here the past few nights, a rabbit from north london, and he's been cussing. it has upset a great many people, and people have been writing in... well, theres one guy who's been writing in because the rabbit, hes not a robot, hes a puppet, but still people get upset because he cusses. and i'm like 'oh, give it a fucking rest', but people are like 'no, no, you must not have the rabbit cussing, that wrong. and there's too much cussing on this show'. and i'm like 'i know, there is.' so i'm here to apologize, i'm sorry about all the cussing on the show. and i would like to remind you that it is america, we do have other channels, and do you have fucking alternatives, so... although, cbs doesnt agree with me on that. so we have come to an understanding with cbs. they said knock it off with the cussing, and i've said 'you bet!'. so, thats it, no more cussing on this show. by me or rabbits... nope, cant fucking do it! i cant fucking do it!'

6-21-10

+ 'its summer solstice today', craig ferguson informs, 'thats right, today is the longest day of the year and also the shortest night. coincidence? even although its the shortest night of the year and you are watching this show, i'll lengthen it for you, it will feel longer. i know its short but it will feel longer once i get started... i've said that before... here in l.a. we are celebrating summer solstice by having a parade for the world champion l.a. lakers. the laker parade has a lot in common with the traditional pagan ceremony from the solstice. there will be drinking, and dancing, and sacrificing the virgins by throwing them into the mouth of our pagan god: jack nickelson. you know whats always involved with summer solstice? stonehenge. experts say stonehenge might have been a huge prehistoric calender. because today the heal stone aligns with the rays of the sun. and the druids carved sexy firemen into each of the twelve ring stones. other people say stonehenge was built to attract ufo's. which, if its true, is possibly the reason aliens have never come back. if you are aliens and you travel over millions of miles of galaxy, you travel through space, you arent going to be that impressed by stonehenge, are you? 'we have a space ship powered by anti matter, what do you have?' 'well, we've got this lovely henge. look at that, a lovely circle of stones all standing up-ooh!' 'lets get out of here, these people are morons!'.'
- maria bello
- d j qualls

6-18-10

+ 'do you know what i am excited about?' craig ferguson asks, 'toy story 3 opens today. its not a sequel, its a threequel. threequels are usually not as good as the originals, you know, godfather 3, jaws 3. there are exceptions though, busty cops 3! busty cops 3: cops in space. anyway, its toy story 3. all the old favorites are back, buzz and woody, its a great combination. you have to strike the right balance though, too much buzz and you cant get woody. i'm glad the movie is only two hours long though, cause if you have a woody for more than four hours you have to call a doctor. cbs cares. mr. potato head is back too. you know, when i was a kid i had a mr. potato head that was actually a potato. we were poor. i got it for christmas, i was like to my mother 'why did santa leave me a potato?' my mom was like 'its mr. potato head! he's sleeping!' one day i went to play with my mr. potato, and i saw my dad eating fries. 'its what he would have wanted son, sad but delicious'. 'well, i'll just go check on my goldfish!' 'dont bother...'.'

- mark ruffalo

- saffron burrows

6-17-10

+ 'if you are like me and you enjoy the harry potter', craig ferguson tells us, 'and who doesnt? just a few hours from now, in orlando florida, the wizarding world of harry potter opens. its a theme park devoted to my favorite gay wizard. i shouldnt actually say he's gay, hes not gay, but some people say he is because he always has a wand in in hand. hey, if that makes you gay, then sign me up for the parade, mister! actually, i think you better... you know who doesnt like harry potter? al quida! thats right, they prefer twilight probably. 'i identify with bella, i am torn between edward and jacob!'. there is a rivalry between the harry potter fans and the twilight fans. the twilight fans think they are much cooler than the harry potter fans. i dont know why, they would all get their ass kicked by the dr. who fans! thats right, i win! i am a who-zer! now that we have the harry potter theme park, maybe we will get a twilight theme park! there will be some great rides in that: vampires of the caribbean, mr. wolf's wild abs, suck mountain...'

- virginia madsen

* chris hardwick

= justin currie

6-16-10

+ 'it is a great day for one of my favorite americans', craig ferguson shares, 'sarah palin is speaking out about the oil spill. she said, i am not kidding... god bless that woman, i really mean it! she said we should ask the dutch for help with spill because the dutch have the best dykes. let me get this straight, its ok to cover lesbians in oil, we just cant let them get married? is that what we are saying? which, by the way, you had me at 'lesbians covered in oil'. everybody is talking about the presidents big speech last night. the reaction is mixed. 10% of america wondered 'why would they delay craig ferguson for this?', and 90% of the country is like 'who the hell is craig ferguson?' alright, its more like 98 and 2%. anyway, obama said we need a new energy strategy, one with more alternatives like solar power. i agree, but lets not forget about lunar power. remember, the moon is what gives power to werewolves. and we can study them, i got dibs on that little twink from twilight! we really should take advantage of things we have an endless supply of, like the wind, or the sun, or the kardashians. now, i know the president was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house being engulfed in flames and saying 'you know, we really should change the curtains'. its not the time is what i'm saying. anyway, at this point its not really an oil spill anymore. a spill is an accident that can be cleaned up. calling this a spill is like calling world war II a tif. its a fucking disaster! sometimes only a cuss word will do.'

- tim allen

6-15-10

+ 'listen, i'm sorry the show is on later than usual tonight', craig apologizes, 'we were delayed by the president's speech about the golf oil spill. obama has been criticized for not doing enough, but to be fair, he has been using every strategy on the book. unfortunately, its the same book that president bush used for katrina. chapter 1: sit on your ass for a couple weeks. chapter 2: go on vacation. i have refrained from discussing the oil spill, cause honestly i couldnt think of anything funny to say about it. then i realized, that doesnt stop me from anything else. the spill is awful though, its nearly impossible to be contained. this makes the exxon valdez look like a leaky juice box, this thing. theres almost two million barrels already steeped into the gulf of mexico. i'll give you an idea of how much oil that is: its enough oil to drive charlie sheen's mercedes off a cliff for three months! you know its a real catastrophe when the biggest hope of getting something done is kevin costner. i'm not kidding, kevin costner has spent millions of his own money to develop a water cleaning system. what this system does is takes the oil tainted water and then it spins in around and pops it out clean water out the other end. now, to be fair, i have made jokes about kevin costner. well, i didnt, geoff did... anyway, no more jokes about kevin costner on this show, if he cleans out the gulf of mexico, then he can dance with my wolf, he can water my world, he can tin my cup, he can bull my durham...'

- ice cube

* stan lee

= tig notaro

6-14-10

+ 'its a great day for america', craig ferguson reminds us, 'many reasons why, one reason is that we are not england. which is always good. but its not a great day for one english man in particular, robert greene, who is the english goalie who let the americans score an easy goal in the world cup game on saturday. it must be very difficult for greene, i understand. i still think whistfully about the balls that slipped through my hands. because its not the balls you grab that you are remembered for, its the balls that you let go. so, with that in mind, call me lady gaga. i feel bad for this goalie, but there is a silver lining. he is english and he messed up so badly he was just offered a job at bp! ha ha! take that bp! thats right, in the offices of bp now they are going 'oh no, the scottish guy lightly slapped us. we can take all sorts of strict talking to's from the president, but once that late night douche bag goes after us we are in big trouble now!'.'+ talk about the world cup with referee betty white

- bradley whitford

> jeff stilson

= shelby lynne

craig to host shark week!

'hello everyone, my name is brian' says the shark puppet, 'i've got some very exciting news, as you may or may not know, the discovery channel, an exellent channel, much better than cbs, it features lot of animals eating other animals, kind of my thing! well, the discovery channel is 25 years old this week. yes, i know. but i love the discovery channel because every year they have something called 'shark week'. and shark week is just the kind of programing i enjoy. it has lots of sharks. well, the good news is that shark week this year will be hosted by craig ferguson! 'but wait!' i hear you say in your puny human voices, 'wait, wait brian! wait! surely craig ferguson works on cbs, how could he be involved in the discovery channel? its a completely different company!' yes, well lawyers figured it out! they are the real sharks, am i right ladies and gentlemen? ha ha ha! anyway, here's the deal. craig ferguson is going to be hosting shark week, he has to go to the bahamas and dive with sharks. and this is where i come in. i call on all the sharks on all the ocean beds and other parts of the ocean, all across the world. the bull sharks in australia, the great whites in san francisco, the tigers the hammerheads, the white tip reef sharks, the cambian reef sharks, the other reef sharks, all the sharks, and the baracuda, which is not a shark, but is still quite scary. i call on all of them to meet me in the bahamas. lets eat this douche bag, once and for all! ha ha! then finally we can get kilborne back!'

6-11-10

+ 'its friday, and its a great day for the world! for the entire world!', shares craig ferguson, 'because the world cup starts today! and on behalf of all americans let me say: meh. here in the united states, soccer's popularity ranks somewhere between jon gosslin and people who give out rasiens for halloween. dont get me wrong, we americans know that the world cup is a big deal in other countries. but this is a big weekend here in america too because the tony awards are on sunday... now, the tony awards and the world cup are very different, of course, one of them is a celebration of barely conceiled gayness, and the other is the tony awards. the rest of the world, though, is nuts for soccer. its estimated that one billion people will watch the world cup. to give you an idea of how many people that is, take the audience of this show, and add one billion! you get one billion people.'

- denis leary he even got to join criag in playing with the puppets!

> john 'hippieman' novosad

6-10-10

+ 'researchers still dont know the purpose of sleep', craig ferguson says, 'its one of life's great mysteries. like why do men have nipples? i know why... i have to admit i dont get much sleep lately. not with the new twilight movie coming out. i'm like 'will bella choose edward or jacob? i dont know what i just said... i never really appreciated sleep until i had a little one in the house- boy that midget keeps me up at night! no, i'm talking about when you have a baby in the house. sleep researchers say that when you have a baby you loose 700 hours of sleep in the first year. but its worth it when they get big enough to do the yard work. which is usually about six months... according to research, older people need less sleep. i dont know why. i think its because you dont need a lot of energy to play bingo. do you know that americans spend 600 million dollars a year on sleep aids. and by that i mean pills. i am a little nervous taking pills, and coming from me, thats a big thing to say! i dont take pills, except for the pills that are advertised on cbs- they are awesome! and in no way habit forming... the sleep aid i use most is usually something along the lines of self massage. cbs doesnt advertise any products for that, unless you count the sham-wow, of course. i tried counting sheep at night but that doesnt work- i get too turned on! their little hooves, their come hither fleece, the way the taunt me whispering in my ear saying 'craig, youve been very baaaad'. back in my drinking days it was easy to get to sleep, you knock back a couple bottles of vodka and right to sleep. i never had a problem with the bed wetting because, for the most part, i enjoyed it. wake up to a little pond. the vodka really did the trick for me, i'd sleep like a log. sometimes id wake up in one of those too...'

+ jim parsons stops by to help with tweets and emails

-> wolfgang puck craig even wears safty goggles?

6-09-10

+ sorry folks, due to a game running late my dvr didnt record this episode. i'm sure it was amazing though. as an apology for missing this episode, i will include this completly random picture of craig ferguson wearing a crazy wig and jacket. enjoy!

6-08-10

+ 'you know what happened earlier tonight?' craig ferguson asks, 'the glee finale was on earlier tonight. if you dont know about glee, all i have to say is where have you been, mister? its about the high school kids in the glee club. its on the fox network, which is strange, cause fox is the home of glee, and fox news is the home of people who dont like people who watch glee. strange. glee, its a terrific show, its won many awards including the hugely prestigious peabody award. now, only the cream of broadcast television are even considered for the peabody award. i'm kidding- i've got one! i stole it from jon stewart! when the fox executives first saw glee they said the knew they had a hit. just like when the cbs executives first saw this show they knew they had something that rhymed with hit... fox has just announced that they are putting on an episode of glee right after the super bowl next year. i'm like 'wha?!?' its like an antidote for testosterone! 'you just won the super bowl, what are you going to do?' 'i'm going to dance, mister!' i have a confession to make: i've never seen glee. i've never seen it, i've heard its fantastic, but i've never seen it at all. i'm not just saying i havent seen it in a desperate attempt to appear heterosexual, i really havent seen it. it wasnt made for me though, i'm a 48 year old man. if i start watching glee i'll get a visit from that guy from 'to catch a predator'.'

- john waters

- taraji p. henson

6-07-10

+ ooh! craig ferguson is wearing sneakers! 'all my important communications these days are done electronically. i do everything, you know, contracts, meetings, penis enlargement opportunities... everything in paper is dying out, including newspapers. this is great for the environment, but alarming for some people, and by some people, i mean hobos. what will they use for blankets if there are no newspapers? anyway, ive got an ipad. its like an iphone, but its like the large print version of an iphone. it is! its like an iphone for old people. i've got it, its got
a bigger screen, and bigger buttons, theres an app to help you find the closes early bird special. you can download something called iprunes. you know what the ipad is perfect for? navigation, cause you can use it in cars. cause watching the road is boring. it is! road, road, road, turn, more road, more turning, pedestrians, other cars. boring! i was in vegas this weekend and on the ride back i read an entire book on my ipad. it was a very short book, it was by mel gibson. it was called 'my jewish friends'. no no, it was another short book: the amish tv guide. it was 'the art of british cooking', it was larry king's guide to a happy marriage.'

- eric idle

- terry crews

6-07-10

6-04-10

+ 'today, of course, is national donut day!' craig ferguson reminds us, 'national donut day is always the first friday in june. its perfect! as everyone is trying to get in shape for bikini season its donut day! looks like another one piece for the summer for me. to celebrate national donut day, this is true, dunkin donuts is giving away free donuts! the vagrants from around los angeles who make up our audience are like 'oh, free donuts? why are we sitting here?' the good news is, there is a dunkin donuts right around the corner from cbs. the bad news is that drew carrey had already been there... dunkin donuts is planning to build 15,000 new stores! they are expanding faster then their customers! anyway, i like donuts. when i was a younger man i had a faster metabolism and i ate a lot of donuts. but whenever i ate powdered donuts the powder would get all over my face and it would look like i had been doing tons of cocaine. now, strangely enough, the same thing used to happen when i did tons of cocaine! people would say 'woah craig, you are a bit speedy, have you had a lot of donuts?' i'd be like 'yeah, i've been eating donuts all day!'.
+ email and tweets with kelly moore, a guy from the audience who craig talked with in the opening.
+ espn uk with sir ben kingsly
+ gardening tips with willie nelson
- jennifer tilly
^ magician ed alonzo

6-03-10

+ 'its great news today, if you are in to mark twain', craig ferguson shares, 'because publishers today announced that volume one of mark twain's autobiography is coming out this fall. its more than a century since he wrote it, i'm not sure if his references will make sense to modern audiences, for instance: one of twain's first jobs was writing for something called a 'newspaper'. which is kind of like a blog, but more papery. mark twain was considered the greatest humorist of his age, but thats only because he didnt live at the same time at carrot top. clearly. mark twain is responsible for a number of famous quotes. he said 'i have never let my schooling interfere with my education'. i wish i could say something like that. my most famous quote is 'i think i broke the toilet again'. people are excited about this autobiography though, because mark twain gave explicit instructions in his will, that it couldnt be published until 100 years after his death. because apparently he attacks people in the book. he 'disses' them, as the young folks say. he wanted to make sure they werent alive, so he wouldnt hurt anyones feelings. 100 years? thats a bit excessive. what, were some of his enemies babies or something? 'aw, babies! you make me so angry! why you babies with your crying and pooping your little diapers, why you make me more angry then i could ever be!' by the way, that is an amazing mark twain impression... 'why, those little babies, they make me so angry i could put on my hat!' anyway, my hats off to mark twain for writing down what he thought and then sticking to it. so what if it offends people? i say do it! now a days nobody sticks to anything, too many people get mad and they say stuff then people get mad and say 'we dont like that!' and they apologize 'oh, it was my parents! now i need to go to rehab, obviously, i didnt mean to say stuff that you disagree with!'. 'oh those babies, they make me so mad!' it makes me laugh the idea of mark twain getting angry at babies! 'oh i'm so angry at babies, i'm trying to write a book and they keep crying and yelling!' man, this is the stupidest stuff i've come up with in years!'

- adam goldberg

^ magician jamy ian swiss

6-02-10

+ 'its a great day in italy', craig ferguson shares, 'why? because today, june 2nd, is the big national holiday over there. its italian republic day. the italian people are running through the streets yelling, waving their arms. then they remembered it is a holiday. italians are known, of course for talking with their hands. scottish people also communicate with their hands. for example, if a scottish person is upset they will use their hands, make a fist, and punch you in the face! now, i grew up in glasgow, a scottish town, which has a huge italian population. thats true. i'll never understand why italian people moved to glasgow, but i'm glad they did because a lot of them opened up italian restaurants. this is good because food in scotland is crap! its true, 'oh, how many ways can you make potatoes interesting?' the food in scotland isnt that good, its no secret, except the food in the italian restaurants. i love italian food! or, as they call it in italy: 'food'. the most famous italian food is, of course, is pizza. which actually goes back to roman times. a lot of roman culture is still with us today, we eat pizza, we use roman numerals, we light roman candles, we hide our daughters from roman polanski...'
- evangeline lilly
- charlyne yi
^ magician laraf

5-28-10

+ ''prince of persia: the sands of time' comes out today', shares craig ferguson, 'prince of persia is from a long line of sword and sandle movies. one of the best ever was 'ben-hur' movie with charlton heston. it has an increadible chariot race in that movie. a scene which still holds its best against all the cgi stuff today, it still stands up against it. it doesnt really, but there are a lot of old people who watch cbs... anyway, prince of persia stars jake gyllenhaal. he conquers the kingdom using the power of his magical dagger, and the power of his magical puppy dog eyes. he's a great actor, i'm actually not sure i buy him as a prince from sixth century persia. he's quite modern looking, he looks like a dude who's ears are designed for an ipod. and his name doesnt exactly speak 'action hero' does it? eastman, connery, stallone. these are big action stars. the name gyllenhaal sounds like a home furnishing store. kinda does, doesnt it? '20 % off matresses at gyllenhaal's!'.'
- shirley manson
> jeffrey ross
= the national

5-27-10

+ 'you know, there is a big movie opening today', craig ferguson shares, 'movies usually open on a friday, but this movie is so fabulous that it had to come out on a thursday. its called 'sex and the city 2: the legend of curly's gold' it opens today. thats what its called! these movies are very popular with women and gay men. they should just call this movie 'line up, gays'. actually, thats another movie i've seen... the movie opened at midnight last night. people were lined up at the theater dressed as their favorite sex and the city character. and when i say people, i mean me. i was samantha! i was, i wore a very expensive dress. lets just say i put the 'wang' in vera wang! i was waiting in line for the movie, but i couldnt get a ticket for the movie, it was sold out. so i walked down to santa monica blvd, made a couple bucks, and got a ride from eddie murphy!'

- michael sheen

= band of horses

5-26-10

+ 'happy birthday today to an american icon, john wayne'. craig ferguson shares, 'john wayne was born on this day in 1907. thats a movie star! growing up, john wayne was one of the first images of america. we were like 'oh, these movies, they've got john wayne, and cowboys, and food that is not potatoes!' 'what are you talking about? food that is not potatoes? thats a pipe dream, boy!' john wayne passed away 30 years ago. he's still iconic though, it reassures me to know that if john wayne were here right now he would be 103. but hed still be able to punch me in the face and call me a sissy. his real name was marion morrison. did you know that? thats why he's such a tough guy. its like the jonny cash thing, 'a boy named sue'. a father names his son sue so it will make him grow up big and strong then they can go 'kickin and a gougin and the mud and the blood and the beer'! it is a fact, its a proven medical fact. if your son has a girly name he will be tough. if you name him marion or lady gaga he will grow up to be tough. john wayne though, is the ultimate tough guy, he's like a cross between russell crowe and who is that other tough guy? oh, thats right, madonna.'

- antonio banderas

> paula poundstone

5-25-10

+ 'its geek pride day today, happy geek pride day, everybody!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'its a real day, geek pride day. everyone is encouraged to embrace their inner geek. geek pride day is kind of like gay pride day but with no sex! so actually, its nothing like gay pride day. i consider myself to be a geek because i'm into the technology and the science fiction. i enjoy playing my hand held gaming device, know what i mean? my joystick, my wii controller... i'm talking about masturbation is what i'm saying. the word geek used to be a label that people were ashamed of, now people embrace it. its like being called an outlaw, or a kardashian. people are ok with it now. in carnivals 'the geek' was the name of the guy who entertained the crowd by biting off the heads of chickens. i know, i'm appalled too. now a days we call these people warm up comedians. i looked up the word 'geek' today, and its defined as 'a peculiar person who is overly obsessed with one or more things usually including the electronics or the arts. which is definitely me. yes it is, everyone knows my obsessions with jazz hands- thats the arts!'

+ style tips with tim gunn 80's edition

- kristen davis

- judd apatow

5-24-10

+ 'we had a great weekend, me and geoff', craig ferguson confesses, 'we went to vegas. we had a great weekend we were traveling. while we were gone there was a huge art theft in paris. coincidence? yes, because we actually were in vegas. but somebody broke into the paris museum of modern art. they stole more than 100 million bucks worth of art. anyway, the crooks got away with three certified masterpieces. pastorale, which is matisse's famous nude, they also took matisse's other masterpiece 'dogs playing poker', and the other 'nude's playing poker'. apparently in france what happened is the security guard discovered the theft when he saw a whole cut in the window pane. museum officials are now saying there was a malfunction in the security system. i'm thinking 'yes...' the real problem with the security system is that the guards are french- the can be distracted with unfiltered cigarettes and a trail of stinky cheese! after examining the evidence, the french police have asked interpol for help. i think they should bring in david coruso from csi: miami. 'looks like someone's trying to get monette for nothing'. wait wait wait, i've got another one: 'the theives were driving a van, where did the van gogh?' the french police say that the hiest was the work of sophisiticated thieves because they didnt take anything by rothko. ha ha ha! you are welcome the 10 people in america who got that joke!'

- ben stein

= mishka

> craig shoemaker. a bit too angry...

5-21-10

+ 'the new shrek movie opens today', craig ferguson announces, 'its made by the dream works studio, its called 'shrek forever after'. its the best shrek movie ever made, i didnt think it was possible, but these geniuses at dreamworks pulled it off. i should probably mention two other things, 1. dreamworks studios also made 'how to train your dragon' which i am also in, and B. i am a corporate whore. now, dreamworks are saying this is the final shrek movie (unless this one makes a lot of money...) well, they said that the last shrek movie was the final one. it doesnt matter, its like when musicians go on farewell concert tours, and then another one, and another one. and if people love them, why not? frank sinatra went on a farewell tour in the 70's, the 80's, and the 90's. no one is going to tell frank to stop touring. anway i am not talking about sinatra, i'm talking about shrek. i like the shrek movies cause they have got something for everyone. theyve got the pop culture references for the grown ups, and the fart jokes for the kids and the late night talk show hosts. children and talk show hosts, very different of course, one need constant attention, cries when he doesnt get his way. and the other is a child. anyway, the shrek movies have got a lot of great characters, and a lot of them are borrowed from the brothers grimm. the brothers grimm were from germany and they wrote about german folktales like hansel and gretel, rumpelstiltskin, little ludwig poopinsphinkter. some of these folk tales are more popular than others... little ludwig poopinsphinkter lived in a house that was not made of candy. it was more of a log cabin... ah, making myself laugh with poop jokes!'

- ben kingsley

= court yard hounds

5-20-10

+ 'this being thursday, its a big day for tv', craig ferguson reminds us, 'the two hour season finale of 'greys anatomy' was on earlier tonight, and i watched because we are live. and i loved it when that doctor got up the nerve to kiss that other doctor, i've been waiting all season for that... ugh. the network executives think that if characters on a tv show have sex, the rating go up. maybe we should do that here. what do you say, geoff?' geoff replies 'thats not in my contract, craig'. 'the robot is going to sue me for sexual harassment now, isnt he? my favorite tv doctor is, of course, dr. phil. now, i admit he's not a real doctor, but so what? in fact, if i got sick, id rather see dr. suess. have you ever seen that show 'the doctors'? where they have real doctors on answering medical questions. and one of the doctors, the handsome one, wears his green surgical scrubs, and i'm like 'you are in a tv studio, you jackass!' no one is going to ask you to do surgery! you know, i do hate it though when people in the hospitals wear their scrubs outside of the hospital. if you go to any starbucks outside of the hospital and you see guys in scrubs, they arent doctors. they are orderlies trying to meet girls in the starbucks. real doctors dont do that, they would hate that! its like when i go outside of this studio and i see a guy in a crap suit i say 'hey, stop trying to be a talk show host!' and then these guys think 'why is liza mineli shouting at me?'.'

+ style tips with tim gunn 80's edition

- holly hunter

= the hold steady

5-19-10

+ 'yesterday was my favorite day of the year', craig ferguson shares, 'it was international museum day. please, try to contain your phony excitement. i cant believe i forgot about international museum day, that would be like woody allen forgetting 'take your daughter to work' day... anyway, international museum day is a real day, by the way. it started in 1977ish. its celebrated all over the world, hence the word 'international'. its an important part of our culture, so they need an international day. just like pancakes are an important part of our culture, they need an international house. pablo picaso once said 'give me a museum and i will fill it'. i say the same thing about speedoes. everybody loves a museum though, especially when ben stiller spends a night in one, its hilarious. public museums have not been around that long, the first ones opened in the 17th century during the age of enlightenment. i know what you are thinking, 'here we go again, another late night host banging on about the age of enlightenment, didnt carson daily do that last week?' actually, is he still on, carson daily? no, i'm not being mean, is he still on? yes? well good for him. until the age of enlightenment, museums werent meant for the public. the old artifacts and paintings were kept in private by private collectors. if you wanted to see dogs playing poker, you had to train them yourself!'

+ don glover stops by to help craig with the tweets and emails

- dennis quaid

- alice eve

indian tweets

there is a new email and tweets jingle! this time is sung by geoff peterson. he is an indian I.T. guy who raps about being a customer assistance phone rep. kinda strange, but really catchy!

5-18-10

+ 'its a great day for me', shares craig ferguson, 'because it was my birthday yesterday!' the audience claps loudly, 'please, no loud noises, i'm getting on now, and loud noises scare me. i didnt talk about it yesterday, because i wasnt here because we showed a repeat so i could celebrate. and i celebrated the way i always do, i stayed home and called bob saget. well, cause bob saget and i share the same birthday. thats true! bob saget is my friend. i know you are thinking 'oh craig, you are making fun of bob saget!' well, i am, but he is my friend. and bob's older than me, he's 54. that means now the olson twins have to change his diapers. anyway, the best thing about getting older is nothing! no, its all right. you dont have to follow the fashion treads, now you can start wearing comfortable sneakers. then you ask yourself when you are wearing the sneakers 'why do my socks always have to be white?' then i found myself recently saying 'is there a way i can get sun glasses that dont let any light in on the side? maybe i can get a pair of those. its getting into the side and its annoying me, i want glasses that make me look like a robot. and then before you know it you are driving and using the speed limit as an eventual goal. and then when you are driving you turn on your blinker because, who knows, you might be turning at some point...'
- jon favreau
= jakob dylan

5-17-10

+ 'good evening, i am tv's craig ferguson. a vulgar lounge entertainer who, at a moments notice, may use a puppet, a robot skeleton, or a fart joke in order to squeeze a cheap laugh out of some poorly paid hobo's in the studio audience. so, imagine my surprise when i thought i would indulge myself with inviting a guest on this show, about a year ago, who was not in any way vulgar or cheap: arch bishop desmond tutu. someone who has done some very important things in the world, not like me. and for that show we were given the prestigious peabody award. i was very delighted and surprised and honored to get the peabody award, and we thought, well i did. well, cbs did. well, someone did. we thought that maybe if you wanted we could show you desmond tutu's visit to the show again, something of an encore performance. but of course, this would be a 'repeat'. no, no, no. a repeat is something you show when it didnt win the peabody award. when you win the peabody award, its 'an encore performance'. i was humbled and delighted to be in the presence of such a great man who clearly had a sense of humor about himself, and a sense of humor about me, which you are going to need if you are on this show... take a look then, at what a real human at his best looks like.'

- arch bishop desmond tutu

5-14-10

+ 'oh, listen, theres a big movie opening today', craig ferguson shares, 'i'm very excited about it, its called 'robin hood', it stars russell crowe. now, i like russell crowe, take that you bastards! i do like russell crowe, but some people are saying hes too heavy to play robin hood. i'm like 'what are you talking about?' all i'm saying is, for all the people who think russell crowe is too heavy, i say 'shut the hell up'. if you want to watch some skinny little twink being all sensitive with his abs, go and rent 'twilight'. or borrow my copy, i've got three. but its not easy making someone named robin hood sound tough, robin is a girls name, and a hood is something you wear on your head. its like having an action star named susan hat! you know the movie is going to be good, you know why? because the french hate it. the french critics say that the french characters are unfairly depicted. because the french in the movie are all two faced panzies more interested in eating cheese than fighting wars. no wait, wait. there is some unfair stuff too...'

+ gardening tips with willie nelson

- amanda seyfried

5-13-10

+ 'so listen, i went to go see a movie a couple weeks ago and the trailers were on', craig ferguson begins, 'and there was a trailer for the new tom cruise movie. now, i've been kind of tough on tom cruise here, i'm a late night host so i make fun of him for being short or having his crazy beliefs. its what you do if you have this job. i saw the trailer for this tom cruise movie and its awesome! so i've decided i'm making a complete 180. tom cruise is awesome and if you dont like tom cruise you can go and join al quida. thats right- tom cruise is an awesome movie star. now, i know what you are going to say, 'wait a minute craig, he's got crazy ideas!' thats right, he's a movie star! he's got crazy ideas and he stuck with them- he stuck with them! you dont see tom cruise going on dr. phil saying 'oh, i'm sorry, i'm going to go to rehab'. that's right! tom cruise doesnt care what you think. you know why? cause he's awesome!' craig then shows a preview of 'knight and day', 'so i see that and i think 'wait a minute, i've been making fun of that dude- what the hell is wrong with me?!?" so tonight i quit. i quit and i say to you this: tom cruise may be mad, he may be idiosyncratic, he may have beliefs that i may not necessarily have myself, but he can do kung fu on a plane! he can dive off a motorcycle and land on the windshield of a car and compliment cameron diaz on her dress! thats the type of movie star i want to see, everybody! so from now on, no more tom cruise jokes. oh, its going to be tough. in fact, i'm feeling it already. but i'm serious: he's awesome. i know you will be mad at me, but you will just have to deal with it. then we can have make up sex!'
- robert downey jr. he and craig had an awesome awkward pause!

5-12-10

+ 'today, as i'm sure you are aware, everyone is very excited, its the first day of the cannes film festival', craig ferguson informs, 'i know. its the cannes film festival, everybody who matters in tv and in movies is in cannes right now. which explains why i am right here. this year at cannes they are playing some big hollywood movies, today they premiered the sequel to wall street called: wall street 2: the legend of curly's gold. no, wall street 2: money never sleeps is what its called. which is a stupid title. of course money never sleeps, thats like saying regis never pays- of course he never pays! (not a joke!). anyway, what i do love, though, i love how passionate the french are about cinema. at the cannes festival, if the french audience dont like the movie, they will boo it. 'le boo!' which is very unfrench to care about something enough to boo, i thought they would just say 'that was two hours of my life i will never get back. and yet, i do not care.' there are a bunch of judges at cannes film festival. and i'm thinking 'how do you judge movies?' its very subjective. how do you compare a movie like police academy to a real work of art like police academy 7. its just not the same! the big award given out at cannes is called the palm d'or. which sounds classy, but 'palm d'or translated to english means 'straight to dvd'. (not a joke)! the judges gave roman polanski the palm d'or in 2002. that was back in the day when he wanted to appear before judges, he's changed his mind now... in 2004 they gave the palm d'or to michael moore. he returned it when he found out it wasnt chocolate. this year woody allen is in cannes. partially to promote his new film, but i think mostly because roman polanski is in jail, so woody seizes the opportunity. a little too soon, maybe. a little soon ye... anyway, some directors are having a hard time getting to cannes this year because of that volcano in iceland. its that volcano, it refuses to quit no matter how many people it annoys. its like jay leno! what am i talking about? the cannes film festival. i'm bored talking about that shit, lets just go to a commercial. i said that out loud didnt i? inner dialog! inner dialog!'
+ gardening tips with willie nelson
- bryan cranston
- angela kensey

5-11-10

+ 'the new prime minister of britain was finally sworn in', craig ferguson tells us, 'he is a conservative, his name is david cameron. he is now the most powerful british dude in the world, if you dont count madonna. he had to meet the queen today, thats what happens when you get a new prime minister of britain, you have to go and meet the queen so she can say 'good, off you go then. do your stuff'. you do! theres all sorts of rules, when you have to take off your hat, when you have to curtsey and everything, and bow to her... holiness? i dont know. under no circumstances must you ask her majesty to pull your finger. 'your majesty, wont you...?' dont! and dont do it the other way around! never pull the queens finger! if you find yourself the prime minister of britain and you are being presented to the queen, do not pull her finger! although, if the queen farted, it would be alright. it would be royal! it would be a better fart than your common fart!'

- melina kanakaredes

- tom lennon

= jonsi