+ 'its great news today, if you are in to mark twain', craig ferguson shares, 'because publishers today announced that volume one of mark twain's autobiography is coming out this fall. its more than a century since he wrote it, i'm not sure if his references will make sense to modern audiences, for instance: one of twain's first jobs was writing for something called a 'newspaper'. which is kind of like a blog, but more papery. mark twain was considered the greatest humorist of his age, but thats only because he didnt live at the same time at carrot top. clearly. mark twain is responsible for a number of famous quotes. he said 'i have never let my schooling interfere with my education'. i wish i could say something like that. my most famous quote is 'i think i broke the toilet again'. people are excited about this autobiography though, because mark twain gave explicit instructions in his will, that it couldnt be published until 100 years after his death. because apparently he attacks people in the book. he 'disses' them, as the young folks say. he wanted to make sure they werent alive, so he wouldnt hurt anyones feelings. 100 years? thats a bit excessive. what, were some of his enemies babies or something? 'aw, babies! you make me so angry! why you babies with your crying and pooping your little diapers, why you make me more angry then i could ever be!' by the way, that is an amazing mark twain impression... 'why, those little babies, they make me so angry i could put on my hat!' anyway, my hats off to mark twain for writing down what he thought and then sticking to it. so what if it offends people? i say do it! now a days nobody sticks to anything, too many people get mad and they say stuff then people get mad and say 'we dont like that!' and they apologize 'oh, it was my parents! now i need to go to rehab, obviously, i didnt mean to say stuff that you disagree with!'. 'oh those babies, they make me so mad!' it makes me laugh the idea of mark twain getting angry at babies! 'oh i'm so angry at babies, i'm trying to write a book and they keep crying and yelling!' man, this is the stupidest stuff i've come up with in years!'^ magician jamy ian swiss
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