10-10-11

+ 'it is a great day if you've got a beard', craig ferguson shares, 'but its always a great day if you've got a beard! the police have arrested two men who have been breaking into the houses of amish men and shaving off their beard! now, as you know, the amish reject most forms of technology. they are like old people, but on purpose. which is kind of a dumb thing to say because you dont become old by accident. anyway, the debeardings were committed by other members of the amish community. fox has already announced a new reality show called 'when amish attack'. the beard attacks have rocked the amish community. towns like intercourse, pennsylvania. all summer nobody could get through intercourse without hearing about it. in the town square conversations were going on all day because some people like to talk in the middle of intercourse. by the way, if you are in pennsylvania and you want to skip intercourse, why not travel on route 69. its the scenic route, you know, so make sure you take the time to stop and smell the roses... you know, it takes you all the way to jackson hole!'

+ betty white comes on to announce she is running for president with the slogan 'white power'. um, she might want to rethink that one...

- claire danes

10-07-11

+ at the top of the show we see craig ferguson standing with his buddy chris hardwick. 'you probably know why i called you here, chris hardwick.'

'i wish i did, for once' chris replies.

'well, heres the reason why: tonights first guest jason schwartzman was on the way in from new york city but apparently his plane was delayed. so for the purposes of this evening, and perhaps later on when we go for dinner, you will have to be jason schwartzman tonight.'

'oh, really?!'

'yes, this is your big acting opportunity, you get to show the world what a great actor you are.' craig states.

'oh', chris says trying to get into character, 'i am fantastic on 'bored to death'! i sure loved being in 'the royal tenenbaums', bill murray and i had fun traipsing around on 'rushmore'!'

'the thing is though, he might make it, so in which case if he does get here, you can hang out by the robot.'

'so uh, i'm your door prize? is that what i'm doing today?' chris questions

'is that the kind of acting you are going to do? because jason schwartzman is much better than that...' craig states.

'no no no, that was something he said on a thing once'

'really?' craig asks.

'no, i made that up.' chris admits.

'some times i wonder why we're friends, and then you kiss me and i remember...' turns out, jason does make it in time. so instead chris helps out with tweets and emails instead.

- jason schwartzman

- eliza coupe

10-06-11

+ 'listen, if you've tuned in tonight to hear me talk about the nobel prize', criag begins, 'you are out of luck. i've talked about the nobel prize all week, and i'm not going to talk about it tonight. i'm kidding, its day four of the nobel prize week- its the nobel prize for literature! literature is books, you know those things that you download and then ignore because you are playing angry birds! the nobel prize for literature went to the author who has enriched all our lives- i'm talking of course about snookie. to be fair, i havent read snookie's book, maybe she's a young poofy haired hemingway, she's already got the drinking part down, she's already on her way! no, the guy who won today was a swedish poet. now, if you know anything about me, you know i love swedish poetry. some people like crack, but for me its swedish poetry! when ever the crack pipe gets handed to my, i say no thanks. 'let that pipe move along' i always say! 'i'm sorry barman, nothing in your entire establishment interests me, do you have any swedish poetry?' 'i'm sorry i cant look at your breasts, attractive stranger, unless they are covered in swedish poetry!'.'

- evangeline lilly

* dan riskin

win the big cash prize!

at the end of each interview craig ferguson always likes to offer a choice for the guests. it started off with an awkward pause, then expanded to include the option of playing the mouth organ (and a chance to win the golden mouth organ!). there have been a some other options that never seemed to pan out, like 'touch my glittery ball'. but now there is a new one: win the big cash prize! if a guest chooses this option, they can win fifty dollars, all in singles, by answering one question correctly. the question always starts the same way: 'iceland is a country in the north atlantic. its capitol is reykjavik...' and then craig asks the question. what do iceland and reykjavik have to do with the question? nothing at all! but it sure does mix up the guests! questions have ranged from topics such as blinking, the french language, and regis philbin's height. fortunately, the guests can ask for a little help and craig will whisper the right answer to them, but not all the guests take advantage of it. usually the guests dont even believe the money is real! to which craig replies 'it is fifty 1 dollar bills, accepted at all strip clubs in these united states!'

10-05-11

+ 'its day three of nobel prize week', craig ferguson exclaims, 'today is the nobel prize for chemistry! i love nobel prize week, i love the build up to friday when all the winners get a shot at the showcase showdown! thats how they do it, one lucky contestant will win a trip to hawaii and a hug from skinny drew carey. i've hugged drew carey when he was fat and now i've hugged him now that he's skinny. i preferred fat, i've got to be honest. anyway, the nobel prize for chemistry was won today by an isreali scientist, daniel sheckman, for his work on quasi crystals. they are like regular crystals, but not as meth-y. actually, they are not not like regular crystals at all! quasi crystals are different from other crystals because their molecular pattern never ever repeats themselves. just like us here, we never ever repeat ourselves. isnt that right, picture of paul mccartney? the guy who won the nobel prize has an awesome story, its a very good story. he was working on this stuff but had to quit from the research group because the people he was working with on the quasi crystals they thought that this was absurd. so he had to leave and now he has achieved great success on his own. in layman's terms, its like if the research group was destiny's child and he was beyonce!'

- joel mchale

+ michael caine in space

= elizabeth cook

10-04-11

+ 'there's big news in the geeky world', craig ferguson shares, 'its nobel prize week! i know what you are thinking, i know your thinking 'craig, are you going to do a whole week of nobel prize monologues like you did last year?' and to these people i say 'youve been watching this show way too much, and that will learn you for not paying your cable bill!'.' (if you are nerdy enough to actually remember craig's monologues from last year, you can relive them here, here, and here!) 'plus, its already tuesday and i didnt even mention the nobel prize yesterday, so ha ha. today was the nobel prize for physics! now, do you know who won? thats right, you guessed it, mike and molly's melissa maccarthy! it really is her year! no, she didnt win the nobel prize for physics. i'm kind of obsessed with physics, i have one of those little toys where you pull out one ball and it smashes against the other one and they keep going back and forth. i have one with me at all times! whats it called again? oh yes, its my scrotum.'

- jessica lange

* jacques steinberg

10-03-11

+ 'do you know what is happening?' craig ferguson asked, 'its the third week of the 'occupy wall street' protests in new york and today the protests shut down an entire manhattan street. and then the cops asked michael moore to move. i know what you are thinking 'wait a minute craig, he lost some weight' yeah, but he put it back on again. and thats just when duche bags like me swoop! you get no congratulations for losing the weight, and then we just wait like vultures... anyway, the protests on wall street is actually a pretty diverse group of people. you've got liberals and conservatives, libertarians and socialists, team edward and team jacob. everybody is there! now some people have criticized the protesters for a lack of focus and they might have a point. today the crowd was chanting 'what do we want?' 'we're not sure' 'when do we want it?' 'well, depends...'.'

+ we also learned that michelle obama really loves to watch the show. or maybe not.

- lily tomlin

- ion gruffudd

9-30-11

+ 'the real news this week', craig ferguson states, 'scientists are in the news! 'who are they?' eh, just guys. scientists think they have discovered particles they think go faster than light. i know what you are thinking 'oh come on, not another late night guy banging on about particle physics, leno did this last week!' anyway, this discovery took place at the world famous cern laboratory in switzerland. now scientists made this discovery inside a device known as a 'super collider'. a super collider is different than a regular collider because it wears tights and a cape. i dont know if something can go faster than the speed of light, but this research team said they have tripple checked the data, and swiss scientists have a reputation for being thorough. remember, the swiss scientists created the swiss army knife. the speed of light is, of course, is 186,000 miles per second. its hard to visualize it, so an easier way to think about it is to think of the entire universe is like a mile of highway, then light is traveling at the speed of mel gibson after three margaritas! if this discovery holds it is amazing, if there is actually something that goes faster than the speed of light- this changes everything! for a start, it means that einstein's theory of relativity is wrong. of course albert einstein is no longer with us, but if he were alive today he would be saying 'my god, the detroit lions are 3-0? this cannot be!' i know! for most of the last century the basis of all high level physics has been einstein's theory of relativity: e=mc2. which is like the nerd equivalent of witnessing a naked lesbian pillow fight- this is a big deal!

- seth rogan

- judy greer

9-29-11

+ 'its a big day for me', craig ferguson shares, 'as you can probably tell. its national coffee day, i've had a lot of- a lot of coffee today. it is, its national coffee day so hazaah for watery stimulants. i freely admit that i am addicted to coffee. if i dont have coffee i am a cranky miserable bastard. after i've had a cup of coffee i am a speedy cranky miserable bastard. i used to get my coffee every day at the same place, the starbucks up on melrose. i stopped because they wouldnt let people use the bathroom. i said 'wha?!?' i wanted to use the bathroom one day, i'm a human. they said 'no, we dont let you, its locked'. coffee is a diuretic! what the hell is this?!? they said 'well, we cant open the bathroom because prostitutes were conducting their business inside the bathroom'. i'm like 'what? do you want them conducting their business outside the bathroom?!?' well why not, we are already getting screwed by the 10 dollar cup of coffee, so why not? i stopped going in protest to them, and i got my daily coffee somewhere else. i taught them a lesson by going to the starbucks next door. anyway, starbucks logo of course is a mermaid with no clothes on- its very racy! you can see the nipples and the genitals and everything! i mean, you have to draw them on... id rather see the mermaid on the cup than those inspirational quotes. remember they used to put the inspirational quote on the cup? oh piss off! 'an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind' yeah, whatever ghandi! put some pants on! the worst was when they had quotes from regular customers. if i wanted to read inane drivel i would follow a kardashian on twitter!'

- carson kressley

- michelle monaghan

9-28-11

+'its still not a great day here at CBS', craig ferguson admits, 'everyone here is still a little bit sad and we are still reeling from yesterdays news about andy rooney retiring.  when i first heard about this i thought 'here we go, another sexting scandal!'  turns out he's leaving '60 minutes' to pursue his true calling: mixed martial arts.  i'm really kind of sad about andy being gone.  larry king retired, then regis retired, and now andy rooney retiring.  i'm one of the last grumpy old dudes on tv!  sunday will be andy rooney's final appearance on 60 minutes.  after that his eyebrows will be shipped to the smithsonian where they will delight tourists and children for generations to come.  'in olden days, kids, these things roamed the prairies in great herds, the whole country was dark with them-  then the white man came.'  there's big news around here anyway, cbs is throwing a 'going away' dinner for andy at three o'clock in the afternoon!  they want me to dress like a stripper and pop out of the cake but i wont do it!  lets just say that you dont want to be covered in icing when morley saffer is around... he's got a sweet tooth and quick hands!  andy rooney started working at cbs back in 1949!  now tv was a lot different back then, for one thing you had to watch shows actually on television- not on your phone, on television!  and there was no remote so you actually had to walk all the way up there and change the channel.  the good news is you only had to do it twice and thats everything.  'three whole channels and there's still nothing to watch in tv!'  but back then there were no reality shows, no late night talk shows, no kardashian shows.  in other words, it was the golden age!  channels were different back then too, there was the history channel back then, but it was just simply called 'now'.'
- rashida jones
* jonathan ames

9-27-11

+ 'its not a great day in brazil', craig ferguson shares, 'you know brazil? the south american country famous for the nuts and the waxing, and the waxing nuts.  right now in northeast brazil they might have to shut down the breaches because of piranhas!  yikes!  you dont want to get in the water with one of those!  i feel the same about larry king.  i never go in the hot tub with larry king, although he does make his own bubbles.  they smell like brisket.  over the weekend 100 people in brazil were attacked by piranhas!  to give you an idea of just how aggressive these piranhas have become, the people that were attacked were in their hotels!  you know, the piranha fish are always popular in the bond movies as well.  the villain always says 'please excuse the bubbliness of my jacuzzi mr. bond, its just my deadly piranhas.  why dont you take a bath, mr. bond! ha ha!'.'
- mary lynn rajskub
* jackie collins
= trombone shorty

9-26-11

+ 'good news from the world of food', criag ferguson states, 'there's a new show premiering on another network. its a food show and its called 'the chew'. its like 'the view' because they both have 'eww' in it! now in a lot of cities, 'the chew' is replacing the canceled soap opera 'all my children'. or is it?!? duh dum! if this show does well it will inspire other food themed tv shows on network tv. 'c.s. pie', 'desperate house pies', 'how pie met your mother', 'american pie-dle'. yeah, their all kind of crap, huh? the food shows are all the rage, though. they made some chefs famous, there are no more plain old chefs anymore, now they are all iron chefs and celebrity chefs. its like porn stars, they are all porn 'stars' now, there's no porn actors anymore, they are all 'stars'. what ever happened to the plain old porn actor, the regular working stiff, what happened to him? here in l.a. you can tell when a celebrity chef made my meal because you can taste the botox in it. to be honest, i dont want to know who made my food, i like the whole thing to be anonymous. i look at the menu, i make my order, someone cleans the table and i leave a tip- just like sex! thats the way i like it!'
- jonah hill
= chris young

craig on nerdist!

chris hardwick has been on 'the late late show with craig ferguson' many times.  chris is a nerd and lover of all things nerdy (check out his website for proof!), every time he comes on to criag's show they always end up talking about dr. who and the like.  well, it seems that the bbc has taken notice of chris' obsession because he recently got a show on the bbc america channel called 'the nerdist'.  the show is basically a talk show where chris and his two friends chat about anything that comes to their minds.  it is exactly like the nerdist podcasts (which, by the way, if you havent been listening to those, you better start catching up- they are hilarious!) where  the three of them just basically nerd out about anything and everything.  chris must have wanted to repay the favor because his first guest on the show was our very own craig ferguson!  the two of them talk about everything including the nerdist graphic, craig's recent visit to france, girlfriend advice, and craig's 'muppet' show!  and even, with all that dr. who talk, guess who shows up? matt smith!  craig, chris, and matt have a hilarious interview together!  its obvious that those involved are having a blast i sure hope they make some more of these!

9-23-11

+ 'a lot of big movies opening today', craig ferguson shares, 'my friend gerry's movie 'machine gun preacher' is opening today, you know, prayer and bullets- thats what you want! also the movie 'moneyball' which i thought i would love moneyball because this movie clearly combines two great passions in my life, and then i realized it was about baseball and i'm like meh. then i found out its about the math behind baseball- bleh! and then i found out brad pitt's in it and i though 'well...' there's other movies out too, there's 'abduction' with taylor lautner, and then there's another movie out called 'dolphin tale' which is about dolphins. i'm not sure which i like more, a movie with taylor lautner or a movie about dolphins? a movie about a glistening creature i dream about swimming with, or a movie about dolphins?'
- gerard butler
- kat dennings

9-22-11

+ 'earlier tonight there was the premier of the new charlie's angels', craig ferguson shares, 'its a new version of the old 70's show, which i think is a good idea. i think they should do more, do more shows from the 70's. what about hawaii five-0, i think that would be a good idea. wait, thats on cbs isnt it? i aught to pay more attention to the cbs schedule. do we still have 'dr. quinn, medicine woman'? anyway, today is a special day for charlie's angels, not only is the new show premiering, but it was 35 years ago today that the original show premiered! i remember it like it was yesterday. i was 14 years old, doing things that a 14 year old boy does: masturbating, huffing paint... sometimes at the same time! still to this day i can only get aroused when i smell eggshell white. i'm fine with the new version of charlie's angels, i think its perfectly acceptable to recycle old crap from tv... i do it every night! anyway, the new charlie's angels have a few changes from the original, i think the new ones are sexy vampires or something. anyways, these ladies know how to kick ass. they are like the desperate housewives with guns and less botox. less botox for now- wait till season three!'
- chris hardwick stops in to help out with the tweets and emails.
- billy gardell

9-21-11

+ 'you see the x-factor earlier tonight?' craig ferguson asks, 'its the x-factor, the new singing competition show with simon cowell and paula abdul.  who says theres no original ideas in television?  i havent seen it, but i've got it on the tivo so down tell me what paula abdul says.  seriously, dont tell me because i woulnt be able to understand it.  now the expression 'the x factor' refers to the unexplainable quality that makes someone special. the french would call it, for example, 'gene se qua'.  the germans call it 'der poopin sphincter'.  x factor the show is basically the karioke version of singing a popular song in front of judges.  its completely different from american idol because...  people thought american idol wouldnt survive without simon cowell, but it seems to be doing ok without him.  not everyone is a fan of the x-factor show.  this is true: elton john said that he would rather have his penis bitten off by a german shepherd than watch the x-factor.  i'm not making that up, he actually said that! and i'm thinking 'elton, you dont have to choose one or the other, you can do both!'  i've got a german shepherd that will do it and a jack russell that will nibble your balls at the same time!'
- james spader
- juno temple

9-20-11

+ 'its a big day in new york city', craig ferguson shares, 'its a big day because its the first day of the new session of the united nations.  now, for diplomats this is like the first day of school.  all the big countries pick on the little countries, australia stuffs new zealand into a locker and stuff.  'get into there you little kiwi bastard!'  'how can you tell i'm a kiwi, our accent is so similar!'  tomorrow at the u.n. though, the president of brazil will be the first woman in history to give the key note address.  to mark the occasion, every world leader gets a free brazilian wax!  too bad gaddafi isnt still in power, he could use one!  you know muammar gaddafi today he broadcast an audio message saying that he's still in power, he's just going underground, its just a temporary setback.  i'm like 'yeah sure', just like my local blockbuster video is 'temporarily' closing its doors.  they are not coming back, dont bother returning your video!  president obama addresses the general assembly tomorrow, he's expected to urge the delegates to fight global warming, reduce poverty, and find out what the hell is happening over at netflix.  your welcome five guys who know what the fuck i'm talking about...'

- harry connick jr.

- kathryn hahn

beatles tweet

criag ferguson finally introduces a new email and twitter jingle- this one is in the style of 60's pop, borrowing heavily from the beatles look and sound. its in black and white and features craig as all four of the moptoped musicians! the big haired singer on guitar, a backup singer on the bass, a pipe smoking keyboardist, and the drummer with a massive handle bar mustache- all played by craig!

after the song craig comments 'i look forward to your tweets and emails that say 'no one in the beatles smoked a pipe!' thats right because it wasnt the beatles was it?!?'

9-19-11

+ 'happy birthday to my buddy jimmy fallon', craig ferguson states, 'its hard to believe but he turns 55 years old today! ha ha! thats right fallon, the late night wars are back on! i'm kidding, happy birthday jimmy. its a big night of television tonight as well with 'two and a half men' with ashton kutcher, 'dancing with the stars' with chaz bono. i always get these two confused, ashton kutcher and chaz bono. one of them is married to cher, right? its a joke, i love cher, she's a national treasure. if you think two and half men and dancing with the stars is enough tv for one night, you are wrong, mister. cause there was also the premier of 'how i met your mother', or as arnold schwarzenegger calls it 'i nailed to maid'! also, the season premier of 'hawaii five-0' was on CBS, it was up against a show called 'the playboy club' on a different network. a network that is not my employer, so you can guess which show i'm going to be talking about- thats right, the playboy club! good old NBC has the playboy club. if you dont know, they were hugely popular years ago. not the playboy club, NBC.'

- keith olberman

- kelly macdonald

9-16-11

+ 'its a great day to be in germany', craig ferguson shares, 'because today is the first day of octoberfest. so its september 16th is the first day of 'octoberfest'. nothing says 'problem drinking' like starting the octoberfest in the middle of september! its like if you are someone who loves octoberfest you are like 'i'm not waiting for october- i'm having octoberfest right now! labor day- octoberfest right now!' the festival is over three weeks long and some people go every day. every day! these people are called 'alcoholics'. during octoberfest the germans go wild and crazy, and by wild and crazy i mean one guy named fritz goes 'i am mildly amused, or this beer is making me feel rather pleasant'. octoberfest is in munich, thats kind of the epicenter. and its in the german state of bavaria in southern germany. i've been there and it was a surprise to me- its lovely. bavarian people are very nice and happy go lucky. thats kind of weird because nazism started in bavaria. they were like 'no, its not like that anymore. come on, you want to play hackie sack?' they have very strict rules in munich, for instance they only serve beer that was brewed inside the city limits. which, you know, thats pretty german, isnt it? have a purity test for the beer? 'is this beer completely german?' bavarian beer is strong though, its got about twice the alcohol content of american beers. the germans go crazy for anything with a high alcohol content. thats why they go crazy for david hasselhoff.'

- james woods

9-15-11

+ 'its a great day if you like the strange records', craig ferguson states, 'the new guinness book of world records is out today. i always wanted to get in it. some people have more than one title in the guinness book of records. for example, the man who holds the record for the worlds longest fingernails also holds the record for worlds most cautious masturbator. i actually have a friend in the guinness book of records, my friend regis philban. he holds the record for the person who has been on tv the longest! 15,662 hours! i cant imagine doing that many hours of television. but some nights here... holding on to a guinness record is difficult though, the average record only stands for about 13 months. its just the nature of the game. if you are the guy who can squirt milk 10 feet out of your eyes you know there's always someone younger and squirtier coming up after you. did you know that the guinness book of records was founded in ireland, it really was, in 1950. it was originally a way to set trivia based arguments in irish bars. you know, any irish bar i've ever been it though you cant go 'alright, calm down everyone, lets check the book to find out, hold your horses!'. before the book all they had to settle the arguments was the irish tradition of a broken bottle to the face!'

- sigourney weaver

> ted alexandro

+ today geoff became a man...

moulin rouge dancers

'you know how when we were in paris a couple weeks ago, or a month ago, or two days ago, or depending if this is a rerun it could have been last year', craig ferguson begins, 'when we were in paris with the show, we were kind of like on vacation. you meet people, you bump into people and you say 'hey, if you are ever in l.a., come and look us up' because they arent going to look you up. well, when we were there, and when i say 'we', i mean me on my own wearing a raincoat. we went to the very famous moulin rouge, the place in france where the naked ladies dance! we said to the dancers while we were there we said that anytime they are in los angeles they could come on by. and the did.'

the dancers do a whole production of their show, but this time with no nudity...

9-14-11

+ 'its a great day for america, but not such a great day for scarlett johansson', criag ferguson shares, 'really? i dont know, if i woke up and was scarlett johansson i would be like 'yeah!!!'. scarlett johansson's phone was hacked and nude pictures of scarlett were leaked on the internet today. so, i'd like to take a moment to bid goodnight to any 18-34 year old males who havent heard about this. why 18 to 34 year olds? so guys who are 35 are like 'scarlett johansson? thats kids stuff, i'm not interested. i'm 35 now, i'm not interested in scarlett johansson...' also today, the show entertainment tonight premiered on this day in 1981. so in the show's honor we would like to look back at all the important stories it featured.' awkward silence... 'thats all of em!'

- danny devito

- olivia munn

unknown musician on craig

criag ferguson often invites people from the audience to come up and chat with him during the first segment of the show before the monologue, usually it is attractive young ladies. well, this time he brought up two french girls and talked with them for a bit. he found out over the course of the conversation that one of the girls is a singer/songwriter: 'so, what are you doing in l.a. ladies?' craig asks.

'i'm a singer and songwriter' marine, the dark haired girl states.

'are you any good? do you want to be on the show? did you bring a guitar with you?' craig inquires.

'no i dont' she replies.

'well, thats going to get in the way then. you should be on this show! do you have a visa?'

'i dont, can i borrow yours? you have a visa to perform?''yes'

'yes'

'we should have her perform on the show! we'll get you on the show and you can sing! can you sing one of your own songs? that will be cheaper for us!' craig exclaims.

'i will, yes'

'oh, we will do it then! this will be great, then people will say 'this is where marine started, she started on that very show!' thats great!' craig gushes and asks the other girl 'do you sing too?'

'no, i dance.' the blond girl replies.

'you dance?!?' craig questions, looks to the camera, 'hey you, watch a couple commercials, daddy's busy...'

at the end of the show craig shares 'so here's the thing, at the start of the show we met two lovely french girls. one of them is the singer 'rookie'. she is going to sing us one of her songs. you agree now, in front of the entire country, that you are not going to charge us for this?'

'no' she states, and goes on to perform a song she wrote and plays the guitar.

check her out on twitter here!

9-13-11

+ 'its a great day for us in television today', craig ferguson shares, 'when i say 'us in television' i mean other people. i'm not really in television, i'm just a creepy guy in a basement. its a great day for the world of daytime tv because anderson cooper's new show started today. this guy is on CNN, on 60 minutes, he's now on daytime tv- this guy is everywhere! he's like a male ryan seacrest! listen, if you had to pick a CNN reporter to host a daytime show, anderson cooper is the perfect choice. nobody wants to hear wolf blitzer talk about how to spice up your sex life- nobody except me! call me wolf, i'll give you a situation... in the ads all over town they are trying to lure us in with his beautiful dreamy blue eyes, but he is a serious journalist. he's been to places torn apart by violence: the middle east, bosnia, 'the view'- he's been all around! now, some people are saying that anderson could be the new oprah, and then these people are struck by lightning! dont you mess with my oprah! i think anderson will do great on daytime tv, good luck anderson! he's been there before, he's substituted for regis over 40 times. i've been on regis a few times as well. and i did his show!'

- lauren graham

= rookie

9-09-11

+ 'you know what i'm excited about?' craig ferguson asks, 'the new movie contagion. its about a terrible virus, millions are affected, their eyes rolling back in their head, its like a milder version of bieber fever. but i'm excited about this movie because its directed by steven soderburg, he's the guy who made ocean's eleven, which is a great movie. he's also the guy who made ocean's twelve, so it evens out... but, contagion has a lot of stars in it, matt damon's in it, marion cotillard, jude law, gwyneth paltrow, mirna lloyd, fatty arbuckle, everybody is in this movie! this movie has more diseased celebrities than a pool party at the playboy mansion. you know, i've been to that mansion, i've seen that grotto- oh my lord! i thought it was a large turine of soup! you know what makes this movie different? they kill off a lot of stars. now, thats not a spoiler alert because its in the trailers and commercials. in the first ten minutes of contagion gwyneth paltrow dies, but i think thats just a way of getting people to go and see it.'

- alfred molina

- brie larson

9-08-11

+ 'its a very iconic day in television history', craig ferguson shares, 'its on this day in 1966 that star trek first premiered. 45 years ago today americans gathered around the tv and asked 'is that guy wearing a toupee?' tonight, of course, opening night for NFL. i got together with all my buddies, turned on the big screen, settled down for the annual right of fall. thats right, its the start of fashion week today! 'are you ready for some fashion?!' its fashion week, it starts today and new york is cockahoop. if you dont know about fashion week, its like shark week but for gay dudes. not just gay dudes, but for anyone who likes clothes. its where all the top designers go to new york city to unveil their latest collections. clearly i am very into fashion. this look is called 'creepy uncle'. i dont dress like this all the time, when i go home i wear a hat... i hate shopping for clothes, they always look better on the mannequin. actually, those mannequins look pretty hot without their clothes. am i right, people who have sex with dolls? anyway, everything i learned about fashion, which is what i'm talking about, i learned from project runway. although i have to admit, they lost points with me, project runway, because they had kim kardashian on as a guest judge. what?!? she dresses like a vegas hooker! wait, thats mean, i apologize, i'm sorry vegas hookers... the very first fashion week ever was held in new york during world war 2. the designers wanted a showcase for their fashions because they thought they were getting less attention because of the war. see, now who says the fashion industry is self centered and shallow?'

- tim meadows

- bill bailey

9-07-11

+ 'its a joyful day for me in l.a. and for all of us who are parents', craig ferguson shares, 'because the kids go back to school today! ha ha! yes! off you go! see you later kiddies! or for the children of l.a., 'adios, los ninos!' 'craig, are you implying...' yes, i am implying! anyway, this week, all around the country, millions of kids are back to the three 'r's, readin', writin', and ritalin! my kids actually love going to school, well not the youngest one, he's only eight months old. he's not at school yet, he works as a chimney sweep. yes, thats right, my eight month old son is a dickensian chimney sweep in los angeles of all places! its adorable, his first words were 'ello govna!' anyway, its back to school time, time to break out the ol' slate and ink well and leather book strap. this is how long ago its been since i was at school, i'm not kidding, i remember calculators came out while i was at school and the school had to decide if it was ok to use in class. i learned some very important skills on that calculator, like how to turn it upside down and spell 'boobs'. thats how i ended up here! before the calculator we used the standard mathematical tool in scotland, where i grew up, the potato.'

- james marsden

-> wolfgang puck

9-06-11

+ 'welcome to hollywood california, welcome to the late late show, i am your host, tv's craig ferguson', craig states as the applause quickly dies down, 'thats good, lets get straight to the awkward pause, shall we? 'craig, you dont normally do the awkward pause that early in the show?' i know, thats what makes it awkward. it is a great day for a beautiful actress and a friend of the show, the lovely mila kunis. she was voted 'sexiest woman of the summer' in a poll by moviephone. 'if you know the name of the woman you would like to masturbate to, press one! press it again! faster!' the oscar news is out, right here in hollywood its been announced, eddie murphy is going to host next years academy awards. fantastic news, i say. the oscar producers say it was a tough call picking a host, it came down to eddie murphy and anyone not called james franco... i'm still angry about that, by the way. if you dont have to be there, then why the hell do i have to watch?!?'

- lisa kudrow

# richard engel

9-05-11

+ 'happy labor day, everybody!', craig ferguson exclaims, 'the president was in detroit today, he gave a speech about employment. he wanted everyone to know he was is very concerned about jobs. especially his own, i would think! you know labor day was started in the 1880's by president grover cleveland. he was a democrat and was booted out of office after one term, but then he was reelected after four years. whats my point? there's hope president obama, you are a young man. 'craig, who's side are you on?' oh, everyone's... anyway, this is our day to salute the millions of americans who punch the clock five days a week and then go to work. its not easy times for the american worker: the wages are stagnant, job growth is near zero, and worst of all, we are going into an election cycle so you know its going to be chock-a-block with politicians pretending to give a rats ass about anybody having a job or not. 'oh craig, are you implying that politicians are sleazy lying bastards?' yes! 'craig, wait a minute, you mean the politicians on the other side, dont you?' sure, whatever you have to tell yourself. 'who's side are you on?' fucking nobody's!'

- julie chen

# annie duke professional poker player

careful, icarus

craig ferguson and geoff peterson have recently become obsessed with the line 'careful, icarus'. but why? craig explains 'see what happened is geoff was tweeting, he was on the tweety and was tweety tweet tweet about how awesome he is and how great a job he does, and then someone tweeted him back and said 'careful, icarus' and he got all mad! you got all mad didnt you?'

'i got worked up, man!' geoff responds.

the two of them spend the rest of the episode warning each other to be 'careful, icarus'! this was some of the funniest banter between craig and geoff in a long time- hilarious!

one example: 'its labor day weekend! hurray! i'm excited, i get three days away from here! oh, thats right, two days cause i dont get monday off because i'm an immigrant!'

'careful, icarus' geoff taunts.

'that was my name and they made me change it when i came through ellis island! i came through and they said 'name' and i said 'icarus', they said 'no no, that will never work in late night'.

'its the late late show with icarus!' geoff retorts.

9-02-11

+ 'its labor day weekend of course, very exciting', craig ferguson states, 'the summer is not actually officially over, but as far as hollywood is concerned, its the end of the summer. there's no more summer movies, thats it. the only movies opening today are the low budget horror movies. i had a bad experience the last time i saw a horror movie, i peed myself. i dont mean in the movie, i mean right now just as i remembered it! no, the movies opening today are 'apollo 18', which is about scary stuff on the moon, and 'shark night 3D'. i have no idea what its about, its probably about sharks. at night. cause sharks are not scary enough during the day, apparently. 'come on, lets swim over there near these sharks' 'are you mad? they are sharks!' 'yeah, but there's still plenty of daylight left. we'll swim over near the sharks, then we will go back to the beach and then we'll go up to dracula's castle. it'll be fine, its daytime!' 'why do i hang out with you, you're a lunatic' 'yeah, but its daytime!'.'

- lindsay sloane

- peter krause

9-01-11

+ 'its very exciting if you love the broadway shows', craig ferguson states, 'but this season on broadway is great, they've got a musical version of bonnie and clyde coming up which will go along with the musical version of spider-man, which is actually doing well! anyway, we've got our own broadway here on the west coast, right now in the middle of the desert, burning man is going on. if you dont know what burning man is, its hard to explain. its very hard for people to explain what burning man is, usually because the people trying to explain burning man are very high! its where 50,000 people get together to make music and make art and express themselves. and by 'express themselves' i mean get naked. although, guys, if you are going to burning man, be honest with yourselves, its not about looking at art and running around, its about trying to see naked women in the desert. and then you go and its just dudes! i might go, actually...'

- kathy griffin

* lynette rice writer for entertainment weekly

= lenka

8-31-11

+ 'its not a great day for one american today', craig ferguson states, 'one man in ohio was arrested after he was caught having sex with an inflatable raft! first of all i'm like 'thats illegal? land of the free my ass!' i didnt know it was illegal to have sex with a raft! whats the statute of limitations on something like that?... he got caught because he was in a store! he got caught in the store having sex with a raft which was for sale! it wasnt even his raft! he got caught cause the owner of the store said 'stop!', actually he probably said 'finish up and then just pay me for the raft'. the saddest part is though after the man was arrested he admitted that the whole time he was thinking about the skinny little canoe across the isle. in other news, something weird happened in vancouver, which is in canada. the police found a human foot washed ashore. just a foot, nobody attached to it, just a foot. the vancouver police said its the most horrifying thing they had ever seen at the beach. then the people in ohio said 'you didnt see the guy humping the raft!'.'

- leslie bibb

> louie anderson

8-30-11

+ 'the new cast of dancing with the stars has been revealed!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'and yes, the rumors are true, i was indeed approached to be a contestant, but it fell apart because they used a word i had never heard of before: rehearsal. i'm like 'no! you mean i go there and do it but thats not actually the show, thats just a practice show?!? no!' but they have got big names this season, they've got that guy from that thing, the annoying chick who gets on everybody's nerves, and they've got a kardashian of course. its a male kardashian but its not kloe! i'm like 'wha?!?' i didnt even know there was one! its like the marx brothers, its the zeppo kardashian!'

- chi mcbride

# ariel tweto

8-29-11

+ 'here on the west coast we are still cleaning up after last night's music video awards', craig ferguson jests, 'at least i'm cleaning up- i experienced major flooding in my pants! did you watch the mtv video music awards? i watched every minute of it! i love seeing all the happenin' bands, you know, like the spin doctors and the wang chungs and the kingston trios. they are all still happening, right? i only watched some of it, only about 3o seconds. i tried to watch it all, but i couldnt- real housewives of new jersey was on! can you believe jaqueline and ashley are fighting again?!? now, vma may stand for video music awards, but i felt it was more like vulgar mouthed adolescence! am i right elderly people? see, after watching vma's for a while i felt like a creepy dude who wont stop hanging around with young people. whats the name for someone like that? oh, thats right- kurt loder! how old am i? i'll tell ya: the first time i watched the best new artist was beethoven, kanye west interrupted a dinosaur! cher had most of her original parts! the host was a middle aged larry king! thats how long ago it was! even at my age though i recognize a lot of today's music because its on in the background while i try on shoes at hot topic...'

- william shatner

- bianca kajlich

8-26-11

+ 'its another friday, another big movie opening today', craig ferguson states, 'the movie today is dont be afraid of the dark. i went to see it this afternoon. i went to the ticket booth and said 'dont be afraid of the dark' and the guy said 'hey, i cant be, i work in a movie theater!' ha ha! and we laughed and laughed and laughed. and then i kissed him. i'm kidding, i didnt see the movie- but i kissed the dude! you know if dont be afraid of the dark is successful there will be more movies with similar titles: 'dont swim on a full stomach', 'dont touch yourself or you'll go blind'. dont be afraid of the dark is one of those horror movies, it looks too scary. now, let me clarify: scary as in creepy, not scary as in 'i let my coupon to 9west expire!' when i watch the horror movies i always close my eyes during the scary parts. i do the same during sex. i'm not that scared of sex, just when the bill arrives... and there's always a bill. dont be afraid of the dark is the only movie named after something my parents used to tell me. and it will remain the only one until there is a movie called 'shut up, you fat wee bastard!' this movie stars katie holmes and guy pierce. by the way, guy pierce is also the name of a shop where i got my nipple pierced. its filled with terrifying little creatures. katie holmes is perfect for this movie then!'

- shirley manson

8-25-11

+ 'our thoughts, of course, are with everyone on the east coast', craig ferguson shares, 'who are preparing for hurricane irene. in washington dc thousands have been left without power, they are called democrats! ha ha ha! no no, they are battening down the hatches in new york. the experts are saying that this could be the biggest disaster in new york since spider-man the musical! no, this hurricane is not a joke, its already a category 3. its been called irene. now, back in the 50's and 60's all the hurricanes had female names, but not today. they alternate today between a man then a woman, then a man, then a woman. remind you of anyone? if you dont know anything about hurricanes, they start out as tropical depressions, its a meteorological term for a bunch of clouds that got together and were like 'i dont care...' then they start spinning around engorging themselves on moist tropical air, and before you know it the local weatherman has a huge boner yelling 'everybody kiss their ass goodbye!' thats the technical description of a hurricane. weather like this is a change from where i grew up. weather in scotland is crap, but its gentle crap. you dont have mega storms. its just constantly moist. by the way, constantly moist is the new name of my pink floyd cover band!'

- kal penn

- alice eve

8-24-11

+ 'bit of a scary week so far', craig ferguson admits, 'what with one thing and another... well, there was the earthquake and the hurricane irene coming in on the east coast. thats what happens when you cancel oprah! thats why i love good old california, just sunshine and good old anthrax. if you saw the show last night, first of all, i'm sorry because it was this show and you saw it. last night i was talking about someone sent me an envelope with white powder. now, it turns out it was just corn starch, which is kind of a mixed blessing. on one hand i have an enemy out there somewhere, on the other hand, my soups will now be thicker and richer! you know what i was amazed about was the media coverage. the media when crazy with this thing, didnt they? i saw it out there that it said 'craig is very concerned for his staff', it said that in the hollywood reporter. that i was very concerned for my staff. thats not entirely what i said, i said 'i'm very concerned for my staff, and by staff i mean penis'. thats what i said! but they showed this picture of me being very serious, and didnt include the part about my penis. nobody's interested in real news anymore. or my penis!'

- regis philbin

> marina franklin

8-23-11

+ 'its a frightening day here at the studio!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'the reason we started late today is that something happened here in the studio today. it started like any other day: i come into the studio, i have my nap, i fire someone, i get a massage from the person i fired, i rehire them... but today, this is why we are late, this really happened today, today someone sent here an envelop containing white powder! i said 'oh!'. i told them that i would test it for them if they want... i have a special test that i conducted from 1979 through 1992... but the police were like 'no no' they did a test and its not dangerous, so relax everyone, calm your real authentic panic. you have no excuse to leave, its perfectly safe to be here. it was a very scary situation, i mean really frightening! my first concern of course was for my staff. and by staff i mean penis. 'craig, how can you make penis jokes at a time like this?!?' i am a professional comedian, its what i do! this was a frightening thing today. in the old days if someone had sent me white powder i would have been like 'yeah!' i would snorted it, gone crazy, and ended up at a party in elton john's house or rehab or both. but now a days white powder in the mail is bad. i called cbs security and say 'hey' and they said 'we're busy.' i said 'i am a personal friend of drew carrey' and they sent someone over right away! it was going crazy around the studio, there were helicopters buzzing around everywhere, people are rushing around. this is the most attention this show has gotten since... well, this is the most attention the show has ever gotten!'

- lewis black

= amos lee

8-22-11

+ 'tonight all eyes are on the big global news story everyone is talking about', craig ferguson shares, 'historic changes rocking one of the most ruthless and hated families on earth. thats right, kim kardashian got married! no, i'm talking about libya, the rebel army is taking down the evil regime. its kind of like star wars except without the gay robot. no one knows right now where the low budget bond villain muammar gaddafi is, but he has promised to die defending himself. that is a guy who once he gets a bad idea he sticks with it! rumors are that gaddafi is trying to escape tripoli wearing a wig! some people think gaddafi will end up going into exile somewhere harmless where we can keep an eye on him. i say 'dancing with the stars'. my guess is gaddafi will get arrested and have to face trial at the hague, which is in the netherlands, and i dont think the dutch prosecutors will go easy on him. 'i have been smoking hashish all day and i still dont understand why you are wearing those curtains for an outfit'. however this ends, my hats off to the people of libya for over throwing a brutal despot, and to nato deserves credit as well, it was french fighter pilots who strafed his compound. it seems like only a couple weeks since french fighter pilots were strafing my compound... with gaddafi out of the way it wont be long before we have peace and stability in the middle east forever- ha ha ha! seriously, i think i speak for everyone around the world when i say we are hoping for an end to the bloodshed, a peaceful transition to democracy, and cheaper gas! you know, last night one of gaddafi's sons was captured live on tv. i think those gaddafi kids are going to have a rough time of it, because a revolution is not a great time to be the child of a dictator. or as they are known, dictator tots! see what i did there? its like tater tots, but with a dick in front of it!'

poor geoff peterson broke his arm during the monologue.

- hugh laurie

- saffron burrows

craig's new hair

going for that greasy look, craig ferguson has decided to make a little change to his appearance! last time he mixed it up with a mustache, and we all remember how that ended up...

' i was really nervous about appearing tonight because of my new haircut', criag admits, 'look, i've decided to go completely greasy. its very greasy, isnt it? but you know what, it looks less grey though i think. i wonder if it works in other areas of my body... i've got plenty of grease, come on over later and we will try it out...'

we'll see how long this one lasts...

8-05-11

the final installment of craig in paris week!

+ craig ferguson performs at the moulin rouge with all the dancers! geoff peterson watches, but is not amused.

+ sean connery's parisian memories

+ michael caine in space in paris

+ craig shares why he is in france: it all goes back to the guy who copied his show last year: arthur. he was on 'the late late show' a few months ago and invited craig to come on his show sometime- so he did! craig goes to arthur's show as a guest- and hilarity ensues!

+ craig and kristen bell go to check out the shoes at christian louboutin and actually talk to christian himself about shoes and why women are so fascinated by them. very interesting...

+ cher homme d'aqua

+ the final installment of dinner with kristen bell and jean reno

+ the week in paris ends with a song and a dance from the professional dance troupe at the moulin rouge. wow, what a week!

8-04-11

craig ferguson in paris week continues!

+ craig takes a tour of shakespeare and co. english bookstore. we even get to meet the shop dog collette!

+ sean connery's parisian memories

+ 'its a great day for america, everybody', craig ferguson shares, 'and another great day here in france. i am in the legendary palace of versailles, built by louis the 14th who was called 'the sun king' because he loved sun chips. i read it on wikipedia. this is why i love america, because now a days you dont have to be royalty to enjoy a delicious savory snack. now the room everyone talks about is the hall of mirrors, 357 mirrors. its dazzling! its like someone skinned a disco ball and laid it flat! i could never live here, its hard enough leaving my house with one mirror, i'm like 'does this make my ass look fat', could you imagine living here? there are so many statues around the palace that, in order to not sound like an idiot, you just make stuff up about the statue and people believe it.' craig then goes around the palace and makes up some great crazy stories about the different statues he sees! he also goes to the public bedroom of the queen. craig and kristen bell act out what might happen in in the queen's bedroom- kristen as the queen and craig as draco malffoy, the queens secret lover!

+ on the bus

+ tweets and emails on the bridge

+ dinner with kristen bell and jean reno

8-03-11

craig ferguson's visit to paris continues!

+ 'hey, its a great day for america everybody', craig ferguson shares, 'its another great day here in paris. i am here at the famous art museum the louvre. the proper french pronunciation is 'loovra', kind of like the way you say brett favre. and just like brett favre's iphone, the louvre is packed with famous penises. the louvre has more than four thousand pieces of art that show parts of the naked body. one art expert recently concluded that the louvre has more depictions of bare breasts than any other museum in the world, except perhaps the clinton library.'

+ cher homme d'aqua

craig shares a cool story about a bridge in paris called pont des arts. it seems that people have been visiting this bridge for years and leaving behind padlocks as a symbol of love on the fence of the bridge. the place is now plastered with thousands of locks! craig even found a lock that had been placed there many years ago by his boss and his wife. how romantic, huh?

+ michael caine in space in paris

criag sits in front of the tuileries garden and chats with jean-michel cousteau. they even rent a couple motor boats and tool around in the fountain!

on the bus

+ craig goes into cantin affireur, a french cheese shop, and tries some of the different cheeses- even the stinky ones!

+ sean connery's parisian memories

dinner with kristen bell and jean reno

8-02-11

craig ferguson continues his week in paris!

+ wavey, the crocadillio, introduces the episode with rants about biting ladies legs and catching birds...

+ 'i'm here standing in front of the cathedral of notre dame here in france', craig ferguson shares, 'the full name of the notre dame is 'notre dame de paris', which means 'our lady of paris'. a title i would like to have myself some day! this, notre dame, is the finest example of goth architecture in france. french goths come here and then go shop at 'le hot topic'. construction began on the cathedral in 1163, and it was completed in 1645. notre dame is famous for its gargoyles. a gargoyle is a grotesque figure that scares away evil spirits, we have the same thing in america, we call it randy quaid. many people dont know that gargoyles are a relatively modern invention. they were installed in the 19th century. they werent put in to scare away evil spirits, they were put in to scare away mimes!'

on the bus

+ sean connery's perisian memories

emails and tweets at shakespeare and co. english bookstore

tour d'argent- criag goes to visit a really old wine cellar at night wearing a dracula cape for some reason.

+ cher homme d'aqua- dear aquaman in french

craig shops through the streets of paris with kristen bell and eddie izzard.

michael caine in space in paris

raphael, a street magician, shows craig a neat trick!

+ craig and kristen sit down and have dinner with jean reno and discuss the differences between the french and americans.

8-01-11

welcome to france! this week craig ferguson takes 'the late late show' to paris!

+ the show starts off with a song and dance number, they lip-sync a pretty crazy french song (a fun song called 'i am the king of the divan' by plastic bertrand)

+ for the show's theme song, criag sings it out in a park in paris with a couple frenchmen accompanied on a piano and a stand up bass. cool!

+ 'thanks a lot everybody, thanks a lot completely fake audience that isnt there, just like when we do the show in california', craig ferguson states as he stands in front of the eiffel tower, 'welcome to paris france! i am your host, tv's craig ferguson! its a great day for america everybody, its a great day for us because we made it here to paris with the tiny amount of money we had. we spent it on coach airfares and one creusant. we dont have a studio and we dont have any lighting, but that never stopped us in america and thats not going to stop us here!'

+ michael caine in space- in paris

- kristen bell craig's favorite guest came along with for the trip! hopefully she and geoff peterson can get along...

+ on the bus- a short segment where craig, geoff, and kristen all wander through the city on the second level of a french double decker bus.

+ craig reads tweets and emails with sylvia whitman, the owner of shakespeare and co. english bookstore in paris.