+ 'its a big day for me', craig ferguson shares, 'as you can probably tell. its national coffee day, i've had a lot of- a lot of coffee today. it is, its national coffee day so hazaah for watery stimulants. i freely admit that i am addicted to coffee. if i dont have coffee i am a cranky miserable bastard. after i've had a cup of coffee i am a speedy cranky miserable bastard. i used to get my coffee every day at the same place, the starbucks up on melrose. i stopped because they wouldnt let people use the bathroom. i said 'wha?!?' i wanted to use the bathroom one day, i'm a human. they said 'no, we dont let you, its locked'. coffee is a diuretic! what the hell is this?!? they said 'well, we cant open the bathroom because prostitutes were conducting their business inside the bathroom'. i'm like 'what? do you want them conducting their business outside the bathroom?!?' well why not, we are already getting screwed by the 10 dollar cup of coffee, so why not? i stopped going in protest to them, and i got my daily coffee somewhere else. i taught them a lesson by going to the starbucks next door. anyway, starbucks logo of course is a mermaid with no clothes on- its very racy! you can see the nipples and the genitals and everything! i mean, you have to draw them on... id rather see the mermaid on the cup than those inspirational quotes. remember they used to put the inspirational quote on the cup? oh piss off! 'an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind' yeah, whatever ghandi! put some pants on! the worst was when they had quotes from regular customers. if i wanted to read inane drivel i would follow a kardashian on twitter!'

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