9-23-11

+ 'a lot of big movies opening today', craig ferguson shares, 'my friend gerry's movie 'machine gun preacher' is opening today, you know, prayer and bullets- thats what you want! also the movie 'moneyball' which i thought i would love moneyball because this movie clearly combines two great passions in my life, and then i realized it was about baseball and i'm like meh. then i found out its about the math behind baseball- bleh! and then i found out brad pitt's in it and i though 'well...' there's other movies out too, there's 'abduction' with taylor lautner, and then there's another movie out called 'dolphin tale' which is about dolphins. i'm not sure which i like more, a movie with taylor lautner or a movie about dolphins? a movie about a glistening creature i dream about swimming with, or a movie about dolphins?'
- gerard butler
- kat dennings

9-22-11

+ 'earlier tonight there was the premier of the new charlie's angels', craig ferguson shares, 'its a new version of the old 70's show, which i think is a good idea. i think they should do more, do more shows from the 70's. what about hawaii five-0, i think that would be a good idea. wait, thats on cbs isnt it? i aught to pay more attention to the cbs schedule. do we still have 'dr. quinn, medicine woman'? anyway, today is a special day for charlie's angels, not only is the new show premiering, but it was 35 years ago today that the original show premiered! i remember it like it was yesterday. i was 14 years old, doing things that a 14 year old boy does: masturbating, huffing paint... sometimes at the same time! still to this day i can only get aroused when i smell eggshell white. i'm fine with the new version of charlie's angels, i think its perfectly acceptable to recycle old crap from tv... i do it every night! anyway, the new charlie's angels have a few changes from the original, i think the new ones are sexy vampires or something. anyways, these ladies know how to kick ass. they are like the desperate housewives with guns and less botox. less botox for now- wait till season three!'
- chris hardwick stops in to help out with the tweets and emails.
- billy gardell

9-21-11

+ 'you see the x-factor earlier tonight?' craig ferguson asks, 'its the x-factor, the new singing competition show with simon cowell and paula abdul.  who says theres no original ideas in television?  i havent seen it, but i've got it on the tivo so down tell me what paula abdul says.  seriously, dont tell me because i woulnt be able to understand it.  now the expression 'the x factor' refers to the unexplainable quality that makes someone special. the french would call it, for example, 'gene se qua'.  the germans call it 'der poopin sphincter'.  x factor the show is basically the karioke version of singing a popular song in front of judges.  its completely different from american idol because...  people thought american idol wouldnt survive without simon cowell, but it seems to be doing ok without him.  not everyone is a fan of the x-factor show.  this is true: elton john said that he would rather have his penis bitten off by a german shepherd than watch the x-factor.  i'm not making that up, he actually said that! and i'm thinking 'elton, you dont have to choose one or the other, you can do both!'  i've got a german shepherd that will do it and a jack russell that will nibble your balls at the same time!'
- james spader
- juno temple

9-20-11

+ 'its a big day in new york city', craig ferguson shares, 'its a big day because its the first day of the new session of the united nations.  now, for diplomats this is like the first day of school.  all the big countries pick on the little countries, australia stuffs new zealand into a locker and stuff.  'get into there you little kiwi bastard!'  'how can you tell i'm a kiwi, our accent is so similar!'  tomorrow at the u.n. though, the president of brazil will be the first woman in history to give the key note address.  to mark the occasion, every world leader gets a free brazilian wax!  too bad gaddafi isnt still in power, he could use one!  you know muammar gaddafi today he broadcast an audio message saying that he's still in power, he's just going underground, its just a temporary setback.  i'm like 'yeah sure', just like my local blockbuster video is 'temporarily' closing its doors.  they are not coming back, dont bother returning your video!  president obama addresses the general assembly tomorrow, he's expected to urge the delegates to fight global warming, reduce poverty, and find out what the hell is happening over at netflix.  your welcome five guys who know what the fuck i'm talking about...'

- harry connick jr.

- kathryn hahn

beatles tweet

criag ferguson finally introduces a new email and twitter jingle- this one is in the style of 60's pop, borrowing heavily from the beatles look and sound. its in black and white and features craig as all four of the moptoped musicians! the big haired singer on guitar, a backup singer on the bass, a pipe smoking keyboardist, and the drummer with a massive handle bar mustache- all played by craig!

after the song craig comments 'i look forward to your tweets and emails that say 'no one in the beatles smoked a pipe!' thats right because it wasnt the beatles was it?!?'

9-19-11

+ 'happy birthday to my buddy jimmy fallon', craig ferguson states, 'its hard to believe but he turns 55 years old today! ha ha! thats right fallon, the late night wars are back on! i'm kidding, happy birthday jimmy. its a big night of television tonight as well with 'two and a half men' with ashton kutcher, 'dancing with the stars' with chaz bono. i always get these two confused, ashton kutcher and chaz bono. one of them is married to cher, right? its a joke, i love cher, she's a national treasure. if you think two and half men and dancing with the stars is enough tv for one night, you are wrong, mister. cause there was also the premier of 'how i met your mother', or as arnold schwarzenegger calls it 'i nailed to maid'! also, the season premier of 'hawaii five-0' was on CBS, it was up against a show called 'the playboy club' on a different network. a network that is not my employer, so you can guess which show i'm going to be talking about- thats right, the playboy club! good old NBC has the playboy club. if you dont know, they were hugely popular years ago. not the playboy club, NBC.'

- keith olberman

- kelly macdonald

9-16-11

+ 'its a great day to be in germany', craig ferguson shares, 'because today is the first day of octoberfest. so its september 16th is the first day of 'octoberfest'. nothing says 'problem drinking' like starting the octoberfest in the middle of september! its like if you are someone who loves octoberfest you are like 'i'm not waiting for october- i'm having octoberfest right now! labor day- octoberfest right now!' the festival is over three weeks long and some people go every day. every day! these people are called 'alcoholics'. during octoberfest the germans go wild and crazy, and by wild and crazy i mean one guy named fritz goes 'i am mildly amused, or this beer is making me feel rather pleasant'. octoberfest is in munich, thats kind of the epicenter. and its in the german state of bavaria in southern germany. i've been there and it was a surprise to me- its lovely. bavarian people are very nice and happy go lucky. thats kind of weird because nazism started in bavaria. they were like 'no, its not like that anymore. come on, you want to play hackie sack?' they have very strict rules in munich, for instance they only serve beer that was brewed inside the city limits. which, you know, thats pretty german, isnt it? have a purity test for the beer? 'is this beer completely german?' bavarian beer is strong though, its got about twice the alcohol content of american beers. the germans go crazy for anything with a high alcohol content. thats why they go crazy for david hasselhoff.'

- james woods

9-15-11

+ 'its a great day if you like the strange records', craig ferguson states, 'the new guinness book of world records is out today. i always wanted to get in it. some people have more than one title in the guinness book of records. for example, the man who holds the record for the worlds longest fingernails also holds the record for worlds most cautious masturbator. i actually have a friend in the guinness book of records, my friend regis philban. he holds the record for the person who has been on tv the longest! 15,662 hours! i cant imagine doing that many hours of television. but some nights here... holding on to a guinness record is difficult though, the average record only stands for about 13 months. its just the nature of the game. if you are the guy who can squirt milk 10 feet out of your eyes you know there's always someone younger and squirtier coming up after you. did you know that the guinness book of records was founded in ireland, it really was, in 1950. it was originally a way to set trivia based arguments in irish bars. you know, any irish bar i've ever been it though you cant go 'alright, calm down everyone, lets check the book to find out, hold your horses!'. before the book all they had to settle the arguments was the irish tradition of a broken bottle to the face!'

- sigourney weaver

> ted alexandro

+ today geoff became a man...

moulin rouge dancers

'you know how when we were in paris a couple weeks ago, or a month ago, or two days ago, or depending if this is a rerun it could have been last year', craig ferguson begins, 'when we were in paris with the show, we were kind of like on vacation. you meet people, you bump into people and you say 'hey, if you are ever in l.a., come and look us up' because they arent going to look you up. well, when we were there, and when i say 'we', i mean me on my own wearing a raincoat. we went to the very famous moulin rouge, the place in france where the naked ladies dance! we said to the dancers while we were there we said that anytime they are in los angeles they could come on by. and the did.'

the dancers do a whole production of their show, but this time with no nudity...

9-14-11

+ 'its a great day for america, but not such a great day for scarlett johansson', criag ferguson shares, 'really? i dont know, if i woke up and was scarlett johansson i would be like 'yeah!!!'. scarlett johansson's phone was hacked and nude pictures of scarlett were leaked on the internet today. so, i'd like to take a moment to bid goodnight to any 18-34 year old males who havent heard about this. why 18 to 34 year olds? so guys who are 35 are like 'scarlett johansson? thats kids stuff, i'm not interested. i'm 35 now, i'm not interested in scarlett johansson...' also today, the show entertainment tonight premiered on this day in 1981. so in the show's honor we would like to look back at all the important stories it featured.' awkward silence... 'thats all of em!'

- danny devito

- olivia munn

unknown musician on craig

criag ferguson often invites people from the audience to come up and chat with him during the first segment of the show before the monologue, usually it is attractive young ladies. well, this time he brought up two french girls and talked with them for a bit. he found out over the course of the conversation that one of the girls is a singer/songwriter: 'so, what are you doing in l.a. ladies?' craig asks.

'i'm a singer and songwriter' marine, the dark haired girl states.

'are you any good? do you want to be on the show? did you bring a guitar with you?' craig inquires.

'no i dont' she replies.

'well, thats going to get in the way then. you should be on this show! do you have a visa?'

'i dont, can i borrow yours? you have a visa to perform?''yes'

'yes'

'we should have her perform on the show! we'll get you on the show and you can sing! can you sing one of your own songs? that will be cheaper for us!' craig exclaims.

'i will, yes'

'oh, we will do it then! this will be great, then people will say 'this is where marine started, she started on that very show!' thats great!' craig gushes and asks the other girl 'do you sing too?'

'no, i dance.' the blond girl replies.

'you dance?!?' craig questions, looks to the camera, 'hey you, watch a couple commercials, daddy's busy...'

at the end of the show craig shares 'so here's the thing, at the start of the show we met two lovely french girls. one of them is the singer 'rookie'. she is going to sing us one of her songs. you agree now, in front of the entire country, that you are not going to charge us for this?'

'no' she states, and goes on to perform a song she wrote and plays the guitar.

check her out on twitter here!

9-13-11

+ 'its a great day for us in television today', craig ferguson shares, 'when i say 'us in television' i mean other people. i'm not really in television, i'm just a creepy guy in a basement. its a great day for the world of daytime tv because anderson cooper's new show started today. this guy is on CNN, on 60 minutes, he's now on daytime tv- this guy is everywhere! he's like a male ryan seacrest! listen, if you had to pick a CNN reporter to host a daytime show, anderson cooper is the perfect choice. nobody wants to hear wolf blitzer talk about how to spice up your sex life- nobody except me! call me wolf, i'll give you a situation... in the ads all over town they are trying to lure us in with his beautiful dreamy blue eyes, but he is a serious journalist. he's been to places torn apart by violence: the middle east, bosnia, 'the view'- he's been all around! now, some people are saying that anderson could be the new oprah, and then these people are struck by lightning! dont you mess with my oprah! i think anderson will do great on daytime tv, good luck anderson! he's been there before, he's substituted for regis over 40 times. i've been on regis a few times as well. and i did his show!'

- lauren graham

= rookie

9-09-11

+ 'you know what i'm excited about?' craig ferguson asks, 'the new movie contagion. its about a terrible virus, millions are affected, their eyes rolling back in their head, its like a milder version of bieber fever. but i'm excited about this movie because its directed by steven soderburg, he's the guy who made ocean's eleven, which is a great movie. he's also the guy who made ocean's twelve, so it evens out... but, contagion has a lot of stars in it, matt damon's in it, marion cotillard, jude law, gwyneth paltrow, mirna lloyd, fatty arbuckle, everybody is in this movie! this movie has more diseased celebrities than a pool party at the playboy mansion. you know, i've been to that mansion, i've seen that grotto- oh my lord! i thought it was a large turine of soup! you know what makes this movie different? they kill off a lot of stars. now, thats not a spoiler alert because its in the trailers and commercials. in the first ten minutes of contagion gwyneth paltrow dies, but i think thats just a way of getting people to go and see it.'

- alfred molina

- brie larson

9-08-11

+ 'its a very iconic day in television history', craig ferguson shares, 'its on this day in 1966 that star trek first premiered. 45 years ago today americans gathered around the tv and asked 'is that guy wearing a toupee?' tonight, of course, opening night for NFL. i got together with all my buddies, turned on the big screen, settled down for the annual right of fall. thats right, its the start of fashion week today! 'are you ready for some fashion?!' its fashion week, it starts today and new york is cockahoop. if you dont know about fashion week, its like shark week but for gay dudes. not just gay dudes, but for anyone who likes clothes. its where all the top designers go to new york city to unveil their latest collections. clearly i am very into fashion. this look is called 'creepy uncle'. i dont dress like this all the time, when i go home i wear a hat... i hate shopping for clothes, they always look better on the mannequin. actually, those mannequins look pretty hot without their clothes. am i right, people who have sex with dolls? anyway, everything i learned about fashion, which is what i'm talking about, i learned from project runway. although i have to admit, they lost points with me, project runway, because they had kim kardashian on as a guest judge. what?!? she dresses like a vegas hooker! wait, thats mean, i apologize, i'm sorry vegas hookers... the very first fashion week ever was held in new york during world war 2. the designers wanted a showcase for their fashions because they thought they were getting less attention because of the war. see, now who says the fashion industry is self centered and shallow?'

- tim meadows

- bill bailey

9-07-11

+ 'its a joyful day for me in l.a. and for all of us who are parents', craig ferguson shares, 'because the kids go back to school today! ha ha! yes! off you go! see you later kiddies! or for the children of l.a., 'adios, los ninos!' 'craig, are you implying...' yes, i am implying! anyway, this week, all around the country, millions of kids are back to the three 'r's, readin', writin', and ritalin! my kids actually love going to school, well not the youngest one, he's only eight months old. he's not at school yet, he works as a chimney sweep. yes, thats right, my eight month old son is a dickensian chimney sweep in los angeles of all places! its adorable, his first words were 'ello govna!' anyway, its back to school time, time to break out the ol' slate and ink well and leather book strap. this is how long ago its been since i was at school, i'm not kidding, i remember calculators came out while i was at school and the school had to decide if it was ok to use in class. i learned some very important skills on that calculator, like how to turn it upside down and spell 'boobs'. thats how i ended up here! before the calculator we used the standard mathematical tool in scotland, where i grew up, the potato.'

- james marsden

-> wolfgang puck

9-06-11

+ 'welcome to hollywood california, welcome to the late late show, i am your host, tv's craig ferguson', craig states as the applause quickly dies down, 'thats good, lets get straight to the awkward pause, shall we? 'craig, you dont normally do the awkward pause that early in the show?' i know, thats what makes it awkward. it is a great day for a beautiful actress and a friend of the show, the lovely mila kunis. she was voted 'sexiest woman of the summer' in a poll by moviephone. 'if you know the name of the woman you would like to masturbate to, press one! press it again! faster!' the oscar news is out, right here in hollywood its been announced, eddie murphy is going to host next years academy awards. fantastic news, i say. the oscar producers say it was a tough call picking a host, it came down to eddie murphy and anyone not called james franco... i'm still angry about that, by the way. if you dont have to be there, then why the hell do i have to watch?!?'

- lisa kudrow

# richard engel

9-05-11

+ 'happy labor day, everybody!', craig ferguson exclaims, 'the president was in detroit today, he gave a speech about employment. he wanted everyone to know he was is very concerned about jobs. especially his own, i would think! you know labor day was started in the 1880's by president grover cleveland. he was a democrat and was booted out of office after one term, but then he was reelected after four years. whats my point? there's hope president obama, you are a young man. 'craig, who's side are you on?' oh, everyone's... anyway, this is our day to salute the millions of americans who punch the clock five days a week and then go to work. its not easy times for the american worker: the wages are stagnant, job growth is near zero, and worst of all, we are going into an election cycle so you know its going to be chock-a-block with politicians pretending to give a rats ass about anybody having a job or not. 'oh craig, are you implying that politicians are sleazy lying bastards?' yes! 'craig, wait a minute, you mean the politicians on the other side, dont you?' sure, whatever you have to tell yourself. 'who's side are you on?' fucking nobody's!'

- julie chen

# annie duke professional poker player

careful, icarus

craig ferguson and geoff peterson have recently become obsessed with the line 'careful, icarus'. but why? craig explains 'see what happened is geoff was tweeting, he was on the tweety and was tweety tweet tweet about how awesome he is and how great a job he does, and then someone tweeted him back and said 'careful, icarus' and he got all mad! you got all mad didnt you?'

'i got worked up, man!' geoff responds.

the two of them spend the rest of the episode warning each other to be 'careful, icarus'! this was some of the funniest banter between craig and geoff in a long time- hilarious!

one example: 'its labor day weekend! hurray! i'm excited, i get three days away from here! oh, thats right, two days cause i dont get monday off because i'm an immigrant!'

'careful, icarus' geoff taunts.

'that was my name and they made me change it when i came through ellis island! i came through and they said 'name' and i said 'icarus', they said 'no no, that will never work in late night'.

'its the late late show with icarus!' geoff retorts.

9-02-11

+ 'its labor day weekend of course, very exciting', craig ferguson states, 'the summer is not actually officially over, but as far as hollywood is concerned, its the end of the summer. there's no more summer movies, thats it. the only movies opening today are the low budget horror movies. i had a bad experience the last time i saw a horror movie, i peed myself. i dont mean in the movie, i mean right now just as i remembered it! no, the movies opening today are 'apollo 18', which is about scary stuff on the moon, and 'shark night 3D'. i have no idea what its about, its probably about sharks. at night. cause sharks are not scary enough during the day, apparently. 'come on, lets swim over there near these sharks' 'are you mad? they are sharks!' 'yeah, but there's still plenty of daylight left. we'll swim over near the sharks, then we will go back to the beach and then we'll go up to dracula's castle. it'll be fine, its daytime!' 'why do i hang out with you, you're a lunatic' 'yeah, but its daytime!'.'

- lindsay sloane

- peter krause

9-01-11

+ 'its very exciting if you love the broadway shows', craig ferguson states, 'but this season on broadway is great, they've got a musical version of bonnie and clyde coming up which will go along with the musical version of spider-man, which is actually doing well! anyway, we've got our own broadway here on the west coast, right now in the middle of the desert, burning man is going on. if you dont know what burning man is, its hard to explain. its very hard for people to explain what burning man is, usually because the people trying to explain burning man are very high! its where 50,000 people get together to make music and make art and express themselves. and by 'express themselves' i mean get naked. although, guys, if you are going to burning man, be honest with yourselves, its not about looking at art and running around, its about trying to see naked women in the desert. and then you go and its just dudes! i might go, actually...'

- kathy griffin

* lynette rice writer for entertainment weekly

= lenka

8-31-11

+ 'its not a great day for one american today', craig ferguson states, 'one man in ohio was arrested after he was caught having sex with an inflatable raft! first of all i'm like 'thats illegal? land of the free my ass!' i didnt know it was illegal to have sex with a raft! whats the statute of limitations on something like that?... he got caught because he was in a store! he got caught in the store having sex with a raft which was for sale! it wasnt even his raft! he got caught cause the owner of the store said 'stop!', actually he probably said 'finish up and then just pay me for the raft'. the saddest part is though after the man was arrested he admitted that the whole time he was thinking about the skinny little canoe across the isle. in other news, something weird happened in vancouver, which is in canada. the police found a human foot washed ashore. just a foot, nobody attached to it, just a foot. the vancouver police said its the most horrifying thing they had ever seen at the beach. then the people in ohio said 'you didnt see the guy humping the raft!'.'

- leslie bibb

> louie anderson

8-30-11

+ 'the new cast of dancing with the stars has been revealed!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'and yes, the rumors are true, i was indeed approached to be a contestant, but it fell apart because they used a word i had never heard of before: rehearsal. i'm like 'no! you mean i go there and do it but thats not actually the show, thats just a practice show?!? no!' but they have got big names this season, they've got that guy from that thing, the annoying chick who gets on everybody's nerves, and they've got a kardashian of course. its a male kardashian but its not kloe! i'm like 'wha?!?' i didnt even know there was one! its like the marx brothers, its the zeppo kardashian!'

- chi mcbride

# ariel tweto

8-29-11

+ 'here on the west coast we are still cleaning up after last night's music video awards', craig ferguson jests, 'at least i'm cleaning up- i experienced major flooding in my pants! did you watch the mtv video music awards? i watched every minute of it! i love seeing all the happenin' bands, you know, like the spin doctors and the wang chungs and the kingston trios. they are all still happening, right? i only watched some of it, only about 3o seconds. i tried to watch it all, but i couldnt- real housewives of new jersey was on! can you believe jaqueline and ashley are fighting again?!? now, vma may stand for video music awards, but i felt it was more like vulgar mouthed adolescence! am i right elderly people? see, after watching vma's for a while i felt like a creepy dude who wont stop hanging around with young people. whats the name for someone like that? oh, thats right- kurt loder! how old am i? i'll tell ya: the first time i watched the best new artist was beethoven, kanye west interrupted a dinosaur! cher had most of her original parts! the host was a middle aged larry king! thats how long ago it was! even at my age though i recognize a lot of today's music because its on in the background while i try on shoes at hot topic...'

- william shatner

- bianca kajlich

8-26-11

+ 'its another friday, another big movie opening today', craig ferguson states, 'the movie today is dont be afraid of the dark. i went to see it this afternoon. i went to the ticket booth and said 'dont be afraid of the dark' and the guy said 'hey, i cant be, i work in a movie theater!' ha ha! and we laughed and laughed and laughed. and then i kissed him. i'm kidding, i didnt see the movie- but i kissed the dude! you know if dont be afraid of the dark is successful there will be more movies with similar titles: 'dont swim on a full stomach', 'dont touch yourself or you'll go blind'. dont be afraid of the dark is one of those horror movies, it looks too scary. now, let me clarify: scary as in creepy, not scary as in 'i let my coupon to 9west expire!' when i watch the horror movies i always close my eyes during the scary parts. i do the same during sex. i'm not that scared of sex, just when the bill arrives... and there's always a bill. dont be afraid of the dark is the only movie named after something my parents used to tell me. and it will remain the only one until there is a movie called 'shut up, you fat wee bastard!' this movie stars katie holmes and guy pierce. by the way, guy pierce is also the name of a shop where i got my nipple pierced. its filled with terrifying little creatures. katie holmes is perfect for this movie then!'

- shirley manson

8-25-11

+ 'our thoughts, of course, are with everyone on the east coast', craig ferguson shares, 'who are preparing for hurricane irene. in washington dc thousands have been left without power, they are called democrats! ha ha ha! no no, they are battening down the hatches in new york. the experts are saying that this could be the biggest disaster in new york since spider-man the musical! no, this hurricane is not a joke, its already a category 3. its been called irene. now, back in the 50's and 60's all the hurricanes had female names, but not today. they alternate today between a man then a woman, then a man, then a woman. remind you of anyone? if you dont know anything about hurricanes, they start out as tropical depressions, its a meteorological term for a bunch of clouds that got together and were like 'i dont care...' then they start spinning around engorging themselves on moist tropical air, and before you know it the local weatherman has a huge boner yelling 'everybody kiss their ass goodbye!' thats the technical description of a hurricane. weather like this is a change from where i grew up. weather in scotland is crap, but its gentle crap. you dont have mega storms. its just constantly moist. by the way, constantly moist is the new name of my pink floyd cover band!'

- kal penn

- alice eve

8-24-11

+ 'bit of a scary week so far', craig ferguson admits, 'what with one thing and another... well, there was the earthquake and the hurricane irene coming in on the east coast. thats what happens when you cancel oprah! thats why i love good old california, just sunshine and good old anthrax. if you saw the show last night, first of all, i'm sorry because it was this show and you saw it. last night i was talking about someone sent me an envelope with white powder. now, it turns out it was just corn starch, which is kind of a mixed blessing. on one hand i have an enemy out there somewhere, on the other hand, my soups will now be thicker and richer! you know what i was amazed about was the media coverage. the media when crazy with this thing, didnt they? i saw it out there that it said 'craig is very concerned for his staff', it said that in the hollywood reporter. that i was very concerned for my staff. thats not entirely what i said, i said 'i'm very concerned for my staff, and by staff i mean penis'. thats what i said! but they showed this picture of me being very serious, and didnt include the part about my penis. nobody's interested in real news anymore. or my penis!'

- regis philbin

> marina franklin

8-23-11

+ 'its a frightening day here at the studio!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'the reason we started late today is that something happened here in the studio today. it started like any other day: i come into the studio, i have my nap, i fire someone, i get a massage from the person i fired, i rehire them... but today, this is why we are late, this really happened today, today someone sent here an envelop containing white powder! i said 'oh!'. i told them that i would test it for them if they want... i have a special test that i conducted from 1979 through 1992... but the police were like 'no no' they did a test and its not dangerous, so relax everyone, calm your real authentic panic. you have no excuse to leave, its perfectly safe to be here. it was a very scary situation, i mean really frightening! my first concern of course was for my staff. and by staff i mean penis. 'craig, how can you make penis jokes at a time like this?!?' i am a professional comedian, its what i do! this was a frightening thing today. in the old days if someone had sent me white powder i would have been like 'yeah!' i would snorted it, gone crazy, and ended up at a party in elton john's house or rehab or both. but now a days white powder in the mail is bad. i called cbs security and say 'hey' and they said 'we're busy.' i said 'i am a personal friend of drew carrey' and they sent someone over right away! it was going crazy around the studio, there were helicopters buzzing around everywhere, people are rushing around. this is the most attention this show has gotten since... well, this is the most attention the show has ever gotten!'

- lewis black

= amos lee

8-22-11

+ 'tonight all eyes are on the big global news story everyone is talking about', craig ferguson shares, 'historic changes rocking one of the most ruthless and hated families on earth. thats right, kim kardashian got married! no, i'm talking about libya, the rebel army is taking down the evil regime. its kind of like star wars except without the gay robot. no one knows right now where the low budget bond villain muammar gaddafi is, but he has promised to die defending himself. that is a guy who once he gets a bad idea he sticks with it! rumors are that gaddafi is trying to escape tripoli wearing a wig! some people think gaddafi will end up going into exile somewhere harmless where we can keep an eye on him. i say 'dancing with the stars'. my guess is gaddafi will get arrested and have to face trial at the hague, which is in the netherlands, and i dont think the dutch prosecutors will go easy on him. 'i have been smoking hashish all day and i still dont understand why you are wearing those curtains for an outfit'. however this ends, my hats off to the people of libya for over throwing a brutal despot, and to nato deserves credit as well, it was french fighter pilots who strafed his compound. it seems like only a couple weeks since french fighter pilots were strafing my compound... with gaddafi out of the way it wont be long before we have peace and stability in the middle east forever- ha ha ha! seriously, i think i speak for everyone around the world when i say we are hoping for an end to the bloodshed, a peaceful transition to democracy, and cheaper gas! you know, last night one of gaddafi's sons was captured live on tv. i think those gaddafi kids are going to have a rough time of it, because a revolution is not a great time to be the child of a dictator. or as they are known, dictator tots! see what i did there? its like tater tots, but with a dick in front of it!'

poor geoff peterson broke his arm during the monologue.

- hugh laurie

- saffron burrows

craig's new hair

going for that greasy look, craig ferguson has decided to make a little change to his appearance! last time he mixed it up with a mustache, and we all remember how that ended up...

' i was really nervous about appearing tonight because of my new haircut', criag admits, 'look, i've decided to go completely greasy. its very greasy, isnt it? but you know what, it looks less grey though i think. i wonder if it works in other areas of my body... i've got plenty of grease, come on over later and we will try it out...'

we'll see how long this one lasts...

8-05-11

the final installment of craig in paris week!

+ craig ferguson performs at the moulin rouge with all the dancers! geoff peterson watches, but is not amused.

+ sean connery's parisian memories

+ michael caine in space in paris

+ craig shares why he is in france: it all goes back to the guy who copied his show last year: arthur. he was on 'the late late show' a few months ago and invited craig to come on his show sometime- so he did! craig goes to arthur's show as a guest- and hilarity ensues!

+ craig and kristen bell go to check out the shoes at christian louboutin and actually talk to christian himself about shoes and why women are so fascinated by them. very interesting...

+ cher homme d'aqua

+ the final installment of dinner with kristen bell and jean reno

+ the week in paris ends with a song and a dance from the professional dance troupe at the moulin rouge. wow, what a week!

8-04-11

craig ferguson in paris week continues!

+ craig takes a tour of shakespeare and co. english bookstore. we even get to meet the shop dog collette!

+ sean connery's parisian memories

+ 'its a great day for america, everybody', craig ferguson shares, 'and another great day here in france. i am in the legendary palace of versailles, built by louis the 14th who was called 'the sun king' because he loved sun chips. i read it on wikipedia. this is why i love america, because now a days you dont have to be royalty to enjoy a delicious savory snack. now the room everyone talks about is the hall of mirrors, 357 mirrors. its dazzling! its like someone skinned a disco ball and laid it flat! i could never live here, its hard enough leaving my house with one mirror, i'm like 'does this make my ass look fat', could you imagine living here? there are so many statues around the palace that, in order to not sound like an idiot, you just make stuff up about the statue and people believe it.' craig then goes around the palace and makes up some great crazy stories about the different statues he sees! he also goes to the public bedroom of the queen. craig and kristen bell act out what might happen in in the queen's bedroom- kristen as the queen and craig as draco malffoy, the queens secret lover!

+ on the bus

+ tweets and emails on the bridge

+ dinner with kristen bell and jean reno

8-03-11

craig ferguson's visit to paris continues!

+ 'hey, its a great day for america everybody', craig ferguson shares, 'its another great day here in paris. i am here at the famous art museum the louvre. the proper french pronunciation is 'loovra', kind of like the way you say brett favre. and just like brett favre's iphone, the louvre is packed with famous penises. the louvre has more than four thousand pieces of art that show parts of the naked body. one art expert recently concluded that the louvre has more depictions of bare breasts than any other museum in the world, except perhaps the clinton library.'

+ cher homme d'aqua

craig shares a cool story about a bridge in paris called pont des arts. it seems that people have been visiting this bridge for years and leaving behind padlocks as a symbol of love on the fence of the bridge. the place is now plastered with thousands of locks! craig even found a lock that had been placed there many years ago by his boss and his wife. how romantic, huh?

+ michael caine in space in paris

criag sits in front of the tuileries garden and chats with jean-michel cousteau. they even rent a couple motor boats and tool around in the fountain!

on the bus

+ craig goes into cantin affireur, a french cheese shop, and tries some of the different cheeses- even the stinky ones!

+ sean connery's parisian memories

dinner with kristen bell and jean reno

8-02-11

craig ferguson continues his week in paris!

+ wavey, the crocadillio, introduces the episode with rants about biting ladies legs and catching birds...

+ 'i'm here standing in front of the cathedral of notre dame here in france', craig ferguson shares, 'the full name of the notre dame is 'notre dame de paris', which means 'our lady of paris'. a title i would like to have myself some day! this, notre dame, is the finest example of goth architecture in france. french goths come here and then go shop at 'le hot topic'. construction began on the cathedral in 1163, and it was completed in 1645. notre dame is famous for its gargoyles. a gargoyle is a grotesque figure that scares away evil spirits, we have the same thing in america, we call it randy quaid. many people dont know that gargoyles are a relatively modern invention. they were installed in the 19th century. they werent put in to scare away evil spirits, they were put in to scare away mimes!'

on the bus

+ sean connery's perisian memories

emails and tweets at shakespeare and co. english bookstore

tour d'argent- criag goes to visit a really old wine cellar at night wearing a dracula cape for some reason.

+ cher homme d'aqua- dear aquaman in french

craig shops through the streets of paris with kristen bell and eddie izzard.

michael caine in space in paris

raphael, a street magician, shows craig a neat trick!

+ craig and kristen sit down and have dinner with jean reno and discuss the differences between the french and americans.

8-01-11

welcome to france! this week craig ferguson takes 'the late late show' to paris!

+ the show starts off with a song and dance number, they lip-sync a pretty crazy french song (a fun song called 'i am the king of the divan' by plastic bertrand)

+ for the show's theme song, criag sings it out in a park in paris with a couple frenchmen accompanied on a piano and a stand up bass. cool!

+ 'thanks a lot everybody, thanks a lot completely fake audience that isnt there, just like when we do the show in california', craig ferguson states as he stands in front of the eiffel tower, 'welcome to paris france! i am your host, tv's craig ferguson! its a great day for america everybody, its a great day for us because we made it here to paris with the tiny amount of money we had. we spent it on coach airfares and one creusant. we dont have a studio and we dont have any lighting, but that never stopped us in america and thats not going to stop us here!'

+ michael caine in space- in paris

- kristen bell craig's favorite guest came along with for the trip! hopefully she and geoff peterson can get along...

+ on the bus- a short segment where craig, geoff, and kristen all wander through the city on the second level of a french double decker bus.

+ craig reads tweets and emails with sylvia whitman, the owner of shakespeare and co. english bookstore in paris.

7-29-11

+ 'big movie out today that i'm very excited about: cowboys and aliens', craig ferguson states, 'its about cowboys and aliens! if cowboys and aliens is successful, they will start mixing westerns with other genres: cowboys and sharks, cowboys and vampires with sexy abs, cowboys and tyler perry in a fat suit. i'm excited cause i love cowboy movies and i love alien movies and the last time i combined two things i loved like this was when i curled up with a six pack of eclairs and watched glee! the title of the movie is vague though, cowboys and aliens. are we talking violent aliens like 'independence day' aliens, or friendly aliens like in 'et'. are we talking violent cowboys like in 'unforgiven', or friendly cowboys like in 'brokeback mountain'? please be the second one! now, the movie stars daniel craig, he fights aliens with a high tech bracelet and he doesnt know how he got it. he just wakes up one morning with a bracelet on his wrist. its like a wild west version of linday lohan! the movie takes place in arizona, which is weird, who would have thought that arizona would have a problem with aliens?

- tim gunn

- matt smith

gp and the fergs

Episode summaries:

coming up, its an all new episode of 'gp and the fergs', the fergs is making time with the drug lord's woman, and gp has to cut him loose!
coming up after the break, and all new 'gp and the fergs', together they are going to make you sweat, one way and then the other!

craig on 'today'

criag ferguson stops by the 'today show' to talk with hoda and kathie lee about his recent time in paris. they show a few clips of craig and kristen bell walking the streets and visiting a shoe store. craig talks with the ladies about shoes and sexuality, underwear, the drew carey show, his new baby, and how he met his wife. also, he talks about a possible game show thats in the works! criag is brimming over with his usual funny self! check out the video here!

7-28-11

+ 'tonight is a great day for me', craig ferguson shares, 'because it is the season premier of project runway! i love that show! the poster for the latest season has heidi klum naked with a scissors. you should never use a scissors while you are in the nude, thats very dangerous. i actually had a horrible accident once from doing that. i wont go into the details, but lets just say, i cut off my penis. thankfully it grew back because i am a starfish... that happens if a starfish cuts off his penis on accident, which is pretty difficult because its very difficult to use a scissors if you are a starfish! 'if only i could cut this fabric i could go the the ball, instead i will just sit here on this rock'. listen, i probably shouldnt admit this, but i only watch three shows: project runway, mythbusters, and a hidden camera i have set up in a friends bedroom. thats right bob saget, i see what you did there! i tivo it as well. its rated m for 'mmm!'. i watched the first 8 seasons of project runway, so i kind of feel like everyone on that show is a member of my family- because they are all bitchy and never call me! i mean that in a loving way, of course...'

- lisa kudrow

# ben mezrich

7-27-11

+ 'its a big night, of course, for american soccer', craig ferguson states, 'what's that? its like regular soccer, but nobody watches... earlier tonight the mls all stars took on manchester united. now we are live of course, so congratulations...winners! no, congratulations winners and the dude who got kicked in the balls- you know its going to happen, its the only reason you watch! manchester united probably won, lets be honest, because its soccer and its manchester united. manchester united are like the yankees of soccer, only different in that only half of manchester united have slept with madonna. soccer has actually become quite popular here in america. a couple of weeks ago the womens soccer world cup finals set rating records a-fire. unfortunately at the time we lost to japan, our women played well but couldnt finish because they got too excited in the box... i've had that problem myself... do you know that more american kids play soccer than any other sport combined? now, that is not true, but wouldnt it be interesting... then we might actually be able to win! i'm glad major league soccer is catching on, i'm not so sure about the team names though, i've got to be honest. kansas city wiz? dallas burn? those are real names! wiz and burn? those are also names for chlmydia!'

- mary mccormack

* david feherty

7-26-11

+ 'its a great day for the human race, i have to say', craig ferguson shares, 'or is it? according to these learned men, who for the purpose of this show, we will call 'scientists'. human DNA has revealed that we are a lot closer to neanderthal than we thought. humans and neanderthals didnt just coexist, apparently they used to... um, knock stones. 'paint each other's caves', if you know what i'm sayin', 'spear the mammoth', if the cave was a rockin, dont come a knockin! a recent headline reads 'humans had sex with neanderthals, says DNA'. who said science cant be fun? science never use the term 'caveman', they use neanderthal because primitive man did not always live in caves, they lived in other places too. we wasted a lot of time looking for them in caves when all along they lived in million dollar compounds in pakistan! anyway, scientists now have evidence that humans and neanderthals mated. personally i'm not surprised we have caveman DNA, i can certainly see my caveman roots. i'm very rugged and outdoorsy, some days i will walk out of the house without putting on any moisturizer!'

- william h. macy

- karen gillan

7-25-11

+ 'its not such a great day in washington d.c.', craig ferguson states, 'everybody's terrified about this debt ceiling, cause if we dont raise it it could cause financial chaos, which would be horrifying! a lot of people dont understand what the debt ceiling situation is. i'm going to try and explain the debt ceiling in terms that we can all understand: its this ceiling for our debt. i hope that helped. its actually very simple, the government spends more money every year and every time the congress votes for a bigger budget they are required to have a separate vote to raise the debt ceiling to pay for that budget. now, when the president and the congress are members of the same party, raising the debt ceiling: not a big deal. its like asking your buddy 'can i borrow twenty bucks for lunch?' but if they are on opposite parties, its like asking your wife for money to go to the strip club! see? now, weirdly enough, the last time this happened was during the clinton administration! 'i swear hillary, each lap dance costs three billion!' you know what really worries people who know stuff about stuff? we owe a record amount of money to china. and the chinese are starting to drop little hints that they might want it back! they have! last night i got chinese and the fortune cookie said 'where's our money, bitch!'.'

- don rickles

7-22-11

+ 'do you know what i'm very excited about?' craig ferguson asks, 'the new movie thats opening today: captain america! when i heard they were making a movie about an american hero who looks great in red, white, and blue, i said 'about damn time- i love richard simmons!' anyway, its not richard simmons, its about captain america. he's a superhero, and i'm like 'finally! this summer a movie about superheroes!' no, i said a couple weeks ago that i was sick of superhero movies. i was at the time, but now i'm hungry for more. that happens sometimes, like last year i said i was sick of the platinum blonde look, and then the other day i figured what the hell and got it done again... down stairs i'm billy idol! too much? anyway, captain america is about a wimpy guy who gets transformed, he's injected by an experimental serum, and then enhanced by chemicals to become awesome! the moral of the story, kids, is that drugs work! my body was also transformed by chemical experimentation... this is how it worked out.'

- john goodman wins the golden mouth organ!

- jayma mays though not particularly skilled, craig was smitten by her and gives her a golden mouth organ as well!

7-21-11

+ 'today the big news, of course, is that in san diego its the first day of comic con!' craig ferguson states, 'its the biggest science fiction and comic book convention in the world. anyway, i cant believe that comic con is going on and i'm stuck here. geoff went last year and nobody recognized him, they thought he was keira knightley. for some reason comic con attracts a lot of fat dudes in underpants- and i cant believe i'm stuck here! i'm not sure i would fair well at comic con, i'm not sure if an old fellow like me would fit in with the young folks, or i'd fit into my wonder woman outfit either. people wear crazy outfits there, its like ren faire but with acne! its not just guys, women like this stuff too, or at least they say they do. i think its just an excuse to dress up like sexy princess leia. so what you should do is get yourself to comic con if you want to see fat guys in underpants trying to pick up princess leia. you'll hear a lot of 'hey baby, you want to take out my lightsaber? not my penis, i mean my actual lightsaber!' comic con is going on for the next four days, geeks from across america are descending on san diego like herds of bespecticled wildebeests. if you need your computer fixed this weekend, you are screwed.'

- bryan cranston

= amos lee

7-20-11

+ 'its a great day for science', craig ferguson shares, 'its a great day and a sad day. in just a few hours the space shuttle atlantis is scheduled to touch down in florida, the last shuttle landing ever. first harry potter, and now the space shuttle, all the things that i grew up with, all the touchstones of my youth are coming to an end. see young people, i'm just like you! except i'm older and creepier. i'm going to watch the final shuttle landing live on nbc. its sad watching an icon that defined the 80's come to an end, and i'll miss the shuttle too! a ha! i read that the crew of atlantis brought an iphone into space and they use it to track their experiments. i think 'track their experiments' is code for 'playing angry birds'. the commander of the atlantis is named chris ferguson, i think its heartening to see someone named ferguson make smart career choices. you know, some people are born to be astronauts, they look at the moon and say 'some day i'm going to go there', and other people like me look at the moon and say 'someday i'm going to meet a sexy werewolf'.'

- jenna elfman

- breckin meyer

> omid djalili

7-18-11

+ 'its a great day for us here in los angeles', craig ferguson shares, 'we have in fact survived 'carmageddon'. yes, the giant freeway closure. we made it through. what a load of crap! for three months the local news here has been drilling it into our heads saying the same word over and over and over again. there were updates on a freeway closure! every hour on the hour 'still closed. still closed. still closed. freeway's still not open!' now, if you dont live here in l.a., first of all, congratulations. but if you dont live here you might not have heard about the 'carmageddon' bruhaha. the local 405 freeway here was closed for the weekend to 'get some work done', just like everyone else in l.a. it was to add an extra traffic lane for jay leno's cars or something. anyway, the 405 freeway is the main highway here in southern california. if freeways were kardashians, then the 405 would be kim. you know, its more popular than the other ones, a little more glamorous, has room for a carpool lane... apparently they are going to close the freeway again next year for even more construction. cause if theres one thing hollywood loves, its making a sequel to something that sucked the first time! they are going to have to give it a better title so people will get excited about it! may i suggest 'carmageddon and the deathly hallows part 2'!'

- elizabeth banks

> rich fulcher

photos of craig in france

recently craig ferguson shared that he was going to take his show, the late late show with craig ferguson, to paris france! this will be the first time the show has ever left the confines of its studio in california! the magazine entertainment weekly caught up with craig and shared a few pictures of some of the wacky goings-on in paris! here's what it said in a recent issue:

For a week beginning Aug. 1, CBS' chatfest will air episodes filmed in Paris- non of which feature the standard talk-show setup. "It was kind of our own version of The Amazing Race," says producer Michael Naidus. "We didn't tape anything in a studio. We were in something like 35 locations in four days." Host Craig Ferguson donned his Michael Caine getup, while his robot sidekick Geoff took in the sights. "Only tourists wear berets in Paris," explains Naidus, "so we put them on."

look forward to seeing the craig and geoff peterson in paris episodes airing at the beginning of august!

7-15-11

+ 'it is a big day for us today', craig ferguson admits, 'its a big day for the wizards and the house elves, the muggles, the ravenclaws, and the rufflepinks, because the movie they have all been waiting for is finally here: winnie the pooh! fun for the whole family, go see it! ah, i talked about pooh yesterday, actually i talk about poo every day! no, the other movie thats out today: harry potter! hurray! i love harry potter, the crowds are huge. its so tough to get tickets. how tough is it to get tickets? its so tough that rupert murdoch had to hack into the movie phone! now this movie is all about harry confronting his arch rival voldimort, a hideous villain with pale skin and awful teeth, which in brittan could be just about anybody... anyway, i just got into the harry potter recently because i've begun reading the books. you know, not for myself, but i've been reading them to my son. i like the books, they are great, actually. but some of the movies, i have to be honest with you, and i know this will be controversial, i'm like 'really?' i just watched the fourth one, the goblet of fire, after reading the book. the book is sensational then i watched the movie and i went 'really?' it made me pretty angry, the book is great. the movie doesnt even have winky the female house elf in it. how the hell can that happen? winky is my favorite character and they cut her out of the movie- you bastards! and let me tell you something, this new movie better have winky in it, in fact, every movie should have winky in it! from this moment on, i will only see movies that have winky in it!'

- tim daly

- leslie bibb

= foster the people

7-14-11

+ 'everybody is going to the movies this weekend', craig ferguson admits, 'thats whats going on. a lot of people are going to see that little out house movie, 'harry potter and the legend of curly's gold', i'm not. i'm going to a different movie. i'm going to a positive uplifting film that has a message for the whole family. and by positive message for the whole family, i mean one where i see my name on the screen and i say to my family 'in your face, bitches! especially you, six month old baby!' anyway, luckily for me, winnie the pooh is out this weekend and i am the voice of owl. if you want a little taste of what it sounds like, here you go, you ready: 'woo'. if you want more, get your ass to the theater because if you dont, this little mom and pop company that made it, called disney, wont be able to make another movie... winnie the pooh, thats what i'm talking about. it can teach children important life lessons. remember kids, if you ever see a bear in the woods, go up to it and try to make friends! offer him some honey! its not true of course, bears are ruthless predators who will pounce on fresh meat with their razor sharp claws. thats why i never wear tight pants when i go on 'the view'. when i first found out i got the gig as the owl i was very happy, i immediately started gluing feathers to my body. then i found out it was an animated movie and i was only doing the voice, but i kept on gluing because i did not want those birds to have died for nothing. its a joke! i didnt kill birds so i could have a costume! owls are awesome anyway, i love them. they've got these tiny little bodies with giant heads and they vomit out these furry little pellets. they're like super models!'
- zooey deschanel she wins the golden mouth organ!

- jim cummings he wins the golden mouth organ too- he even brought his own! what an episode!

craig on leno?!?

what? craig ferguson was on leno?!? yes, thats right, craig ferguson appeared on 'the tonight show with jay leno' last night. what is this world coming to?!? well, at least during that episode that had one good host on it! craig talks about being on leno during the opening bit of his own show, heres what he had to say: 'i was on the tonight show tonight with jay leno. it was funny, i was on the tonight show and they have everything there! he've got lights, and cameras, and an audience that wants to see the host! ok, maybe they dont have that... but they've got lights and cameras. theres bands there and a desk that isnt rickety, and there's glittery balls hanging from the ceiling! not just one glittery ball on a desk, they were hanging from the ceiling! as if they were free, you could just reach out and pluck them, as if they were some sort of disco fruit! anyway i just loved it, it was like for someone who does this job, like sitting in a big beautiful ferrari or something. and then i got to come back here, a soviet era sedan. and i'm not kidding, i go into the tonight show and they've all got free things, they are like 'hey craig, have free cups, here's a bath robe, here's a hat, and please take this complimentary car, and train, and here's some moisturizer that costs thousands. here, have your own leopard, off you go!' and then i come back here and put on this suit and i walk down the corridor to this studio and i see a crap stain on the carpet. and i thought, you know, i wouldnt be anywhere else!'