graig ferguson shared a new tweets and email time song! this particular jingle was in the theme of an 80's hair band! geoff going along for the ride as craig, with an amazing mullet wig and head band, rocks out on the keytar! craig's response to the new video: 'yeah! i'm sorry, can you handle so much awesome?!? fire shooting out of a keytar? take that, al quida!'
tweet hair band
graig ferguson shared a new tweets and email time song! this particular jingle was in the theme of an 80's hair band! geoff going along for the ride as craig, with an amazing mullet wig and head band, rocks out on the keytar! craig's response to the new video: 'yeah! i'm sorry, can you handle so much awesome?!? fire shooting out of a keytar? take that, al quida!'
12-23-10
+ 'this time of year christmas music is everywhere', craig ferguson shares, 'i'm sure somebody out there thinks i'm a scrooge because i dont love christmas music. 'come on craig', i can hear you say in that upbeat perky voice. 'get into the holiday spirit!' ive got plenty of holiday spirit, my front door is decorated with one of those giant novelty candy canes so when the carollers arrive i can beat them over the head with it! it annoys me when people call you a scrooge just cause you dont partake in forced merriment. i am not a scrooge because i dont hang missletoe everywhere. i am not a scrooge because i dont wear a christmas sweater. i am not a scrooge because i pooped in somebodys stocking at the cbs holiday party. probably shouldnt have said that last one. anyway, i'm taking a stand. i want to make this place a safe place for everyone who is called scrooge. its ok to be unhappy, this is a safe place for you to be miserable. you have a right to be grumpy obviously you cant sleep, you cant afford cable. you are my people, come on in. remember, ebenizer scrooge wasnt a kermudgin who didnt feel like going to another christmas party, he was a mizer and a bad person who wouldnt pay for a little boys operation. i havent done any of that... this year. i dont think that its being a scrooge to think that crazy out of control christmas excitement should be left for the young. i think its for young people. i remember as a kid i would go nuts for santa. we would leave out refreshments at christmas eve for him, a plate of cookies and a glass of wiskey'. the audience laughs. 'uh oh, unexpected laugh! why? wiskey? i'm from scotland! alcohol is built in to every major holiday! just cause you clap doesnt mean you are getting any wiskey! anyway, we would leave out at night a plate of cookies and a glass of wiskey. and then the next morning i would notice my dad's breathe would smell like wiskey and cookies. i was eight years old before it dawned on me that my dad had been making out with santa!'12-22-10
+ 'its the day before the day before christmas eve', craig ferguson reminds us, 'its the last hump day before christmas. t'was the last humpday before christmas and all through the show, charlie sheen is in the bedroom with hookers and blow! we can do better, t'was the humpday before christmas and all through l.a., everyone was asking 'is ferguson gay?'. i'll do one more, t'was the humpday before christmas and i'll tell you the truth, i'm glad its not snowing because we dont have a roof! thats no kidding! christmas is very special here in hollywood, a very special time. when people wish you a happy holidays here in hollywood, five percent of them actually mean it. if you havent started your christmas shopping now, dont worry theres plenty of time. no, you better start worrying, you're fucked! the shopping malls are a nightmare this week! a lot of people prefer christmas shopping online, and i understand. i like to shop wearing nothing but my underpants. thats why i always go to the mall! i actually buy most of my gifts from amazon. not the website, the actual rainforest. nothing says christmas cheer like a box full of poisonous spiders. if you have to go to the mall, heres a trick to avoid the crowds: go late. very late. like maybe after the mall is closed. all you need is a brick and a getaway car. and if you dont have time to go shopping, you can always improvise. 'merry christmas honey, i got you two presents: macaroni and cheese!' you know the store thats always open late? the 99 cents store. which is perfect for shopping, because, hey, 99 cents! and who doesnt love ukrainian chocolate?'12-21-10
+ 'you know today is the winter solstice', craig ferguson shares, 'this is when the earths axial tilt is furthest away from the sun. its the shortest day of the year today, is what i'm saying. so, congratulations, midgets. anyway, winter solstice means that its officially the first day of winter, though the people on the east coast probably argue that its been winter for a while. in scotland its been winter for about five thousand years, actually! if they ever saw the sun they would probably throw rocks at it. 'get back to hollywood, ye big shiny bastard!' actually, thats what they say to me when i go back to scotland! anyway, here in los angelas the winters are very harsh. we have to start wearing socks with our flip flops. the outdoor mall next to the studio here has a machine that sprays fake snow. we've got people walking around with fake tans with fake fur and they are getting fake snow on their fake boobs. i love this town, man!'12-20-10
+ 'its a great day today for the united states postal service', craig ferguson shares, 'its the busiest day of the year. the post office is so busy today, its handled more packages than when ricky martin, george michael, and lance bass we at a party at elton johns house and the pizza was delivered by the tsa! thats how many packages have been handled today! do you know how many pieces of mail were actually delivered today? let me tell you, this is scientifically accurate, fifty three gazillion. with all those packages around, the post office is bound to loose a few hundred. so keep that in mind, friends and family, when you dont receive anything from me. thats not true, i send out a lot of gifts during the holiday. every year i end up putting so many stamps on packages that the impossible happens: i get sick of licking stuff. anyway, to keep up with all the mail at this time of year, the postal workers work really hard, so its important to appreciate them. thats why i always great my mailman with a warm smile and an open robe. 'hey mr. ferguson, i've got a package for you!' as i do for you sir, as i do for you.'the golden harmonica
craig ferguson recently had one of his best guests on, billy connelly, and gave him the choice that he gives all his guests: 'awkward pause, or mouth organ?' a choice between a silent awkward moment between he and the guest, or a chance to play the harmonica with him. billy took the mouth organ and played marvelously! he lead the audience in a rousing rendition of 'oh, suzanna!'. after the audience applauds, craig shares 'if ever we had a guest who can actually play this damn thing, we would give them the golden mouth organ thats under glass! bring it out!' craig shouts! 'sir william connelly, let me present you with the golden harmonica of cbs!' with a cheer, billy connelly accepts! no wonder this guy is one of craig's favorites! winners of the golden mouth organ so far:1. billy connolly
2. david pogue
3. jennifer ouellette
4. hugh laurie
5. neil patric harris
6. larry johnson, an audience member
7. kevin bacon
9. jim cummings
10. john goodman
11. jayma mays
12. ewan mcgregor
13. wilford brimley
14. eric idle
15. dr. oz
16. steven tyler
17. david robinson, an audience member
18. adam savage
19. tom hanks
14. eric idle
15. dr. oz
16. steven tyler
17. david robinson, an audience member
18. adam savage
19. tom hanks
12-17-10
+ 'theres a big movie opening today and i'm very excited about it', craig ferguson tells, 'its yogi bear! yogi bear opens, you know what that means? oscar season! i was looking forward to yogi bear but then i saw the trailor. its very scary! they turned him into a modern bear. i'm not sure, i like the old cartoon. you know, 'a tiskit a taskit, a picanic basket!' which i admit probably isnt the best rhyme i've ever heard, but its not bad for a bear. not only does the bear speak, but he understands the basic meter of poetry! so what if taskit isnt a real word, what you rather him say? 'a corn dog a cheeto, wheres my burrito?' theres my poem. anyway, i think this yogi bear movie is dangerously misleading. bears dont walk on their hind legs like yogi, you know when he goes after picnic baskets. its true bears can stand on their hind legs for short periods, but they eat their food on all fours. they are like david hassellhoff. now i can hear some of you asking 'craig, are you an idiot?' yes, i am, i make that clear hear night after night. and yes, i take life lessons from cartoons. once when i was younger i wanted to go somewhere so i put on roller skates and strapped an acme rocket to my ass. i didnt get anywhere but it was the best damn three minutes of my life! yogi bear is just pro bear propaganda. the makers behind the movie dont want you to know the truth: bears are not our friends! yes, bears are sharks of the forest. actually, bears are worse then sharks. if a shark attacked you its because it thought you were something else like a seal or a sandwich. but a bear will attack you just for the fun of it! or at least they do at the clubs i go to...'- billy connelly one of craig's best guests returns!
a christmas gift from jimmy fallon
'my christmas present just arrived from my secret admirer!' craig ferguson gushes, 'and when i say secret admirer i think i know who its from. geoff? no. dr phil? maybe. no, too expensive.' craig opens the card and reads what it says: 'dear craig, please accept this beautiful top notch christmas sweater as a symbol of our friendship. from: jimmy fallon'. 'now, i'm very excited about this because everyone knows that jimmy fallon is the best knitter in network television! oh, i know, you are like 'craig, your crazy! he's your direct competitor! you cant say how great jimmy is!' aw, come on, everybody knows it, jimmy is awesome, and he can knit like 12 gay men!' when craig opens it he shutters 'oh, its beautiful!' craig then goes on to share that he sent jimmy a gift too, which he is opening at the exact same time on nbc. it sure is nice to see two hosts who wont fall into that whole 'late night war' thing, huh? 'tis the season and all that!
12-16-10
+ 'it is a great day for us here in the city of los angeles', craig ferguson tells, 'the l.a. zoo has unveiled its new elephant habitat. i'm very excited about this, its been under construction for years and finally it opened today. there hasnt been this much excitement at l.a. zoo since the exhibit of the balwin brothers! it was lovely, they think they are people! standing up on their hind legs, wearing little clothes! anyway, the new elephant habitat is a very big deal for l.a. its got a waterfall and swimming pond, and one grinkly old grey male, two female companions... actually, thats the playboy mansion i've just described! anyway, this elephant habitat cost 42 million dollars- that will buy you a lot of peanuts! i think the zoo will make it back quickly though, cause the elephant habitat will be very popular, its the only place in l.a. that you can see wrinkly skin! elephants are a natural fit for l.a., they've got thick skin to survive all the criticism, they've got great memories to remember all the people who screwed them over, and they've got long trunks to reach across the room at parties and snort other people's cocaine.'+ a sean connery holiday memory
12-15-10
+ 'its a very bittersweet week for those of us in the international brotherhood of talk show hosts', craig shares, 'this week we say goodbye to one of our own, he's retiring. i'm talking of course about larry king. the big kahona, the cheif of beef, the zen of cnn, the man with the glasses who will kick all your asses. larry's show, larry king live, has been on the air for a record 127 years. its in the record books! larry actually started in radio. if you are too young to remember radio, its like a blog that yelled at you. thats where larry developed his habit of taking phone callers, you know the callers who call in at larry king live. i always felt bad for larry when he didnt realize he was being prank called 'amanda hugnkiss, you there? get me amanda hugnkiss. she's not there? lets take our next caller, two guys from intercourse pennsylvania. harry balzack and hugh g. rection, you there?' larry is going out with a bang this week though, he had barbara strisand as a guest earlier tonight. 'brisket, people who eat brisket'. another reason i like larry king though, is he found a look and stuck with it: glasses, tie, suspenders. thats it! see those glasses, theyve actually got painted on eyes. that way larry can doze off when he interviews someone. thats true, i've been on the show and he interviewed me- he didnt blink for an hour!'+ a couple 'larry king of the jungle' in celebration of larry's last day.
12-14-10
+ 'the new michael jackson album, that came out, is truly ground breaking', craig ferguson shares, 'and ill tell you why: this marks the first time the music industry has capitalized on a deceased icon. with the possible exception of elvis, tupac, john lennon, bob marley, jimmy hendrix, jim morrison, kurt cobain, freddie mercury, janis joplin... but apart from them, this is the first time! frank sinatra's record company put out a bunch of albums after frank died. they were recorded in his latter days. some times he would get the words wrong, in concert he was very old. and it didnt exactly put an end to the rumors of his mafia ties. he would be like 'i've go you, under my house.' i look forward to your letters. anyway, the new michael jackson album is out today, its called simply 'michael'. i guess 'blatent money grab' is a bit on the nose. appearently michael jackson left behind hundreds of unfinished songs. thats nothing, i've got lots of unfinished stuff lying around my house. i've got half a bird house, some ikea furniture, a jigsaw puzzle. for the new michael jackson album the record company took 10 unfinished songs and they said 'the fans need to hear these songs and we will hire other people to finish them'. and thats what they did because record companies care about you. they care about you almost as much as cbs cares about you. if this works out, you will see another released next year, one the year after, there will be a movie with michael jackson in it, a chain of michael jackson restaurants opening up- billy jeans! 'come on down to billy jeans, you cant 'beat it'!' try our free coffee, it doesnt matter if its black or white!'craig hosts shoah gala
craig ferguson was invited to be the host of a gala event for the shoah foundation. the ambassadors of humanity event is a special gathering to honor those who have played a part in the shoah foundation, and organization dedicated to recording and preserving the first hand accounts of jews who suffered during the holocaust during world war II. craig shared the stage with jeff kaztenburg and steven speilberg, two of the founders of shoah.to learn more about the foundation, check out their website here.
12-13-10
+ 'its a great day today for the kids that love the healthy food', craig ferguson snickers, 'a new school nutrition bill was signed into law today- its the law! i dont know how you can enforce that, but its part of the government's war against donuts. and if we as a nation are not vigilant, the donuts have won. after the president signed the bill he said it proves our nation is serious about setting a good example of our children's health. then he went outside to sneak a cigarette and then came back in. anyway, from now on, school lunches are going to be healthier. goodbye, tater tots and hello, um... i dont know... tomato tots! i cant really think of any healthy foods except fruits and vegetables. they are delicious, especially if you dip them in batter, deep fry them, and slather them in a special sauce. i know the importance of a good diet, every day i try to eat from the four basic food groups: meat, beef, cake, and beefcake. what i'm saying is, schools will be healthier. some of the schools are getting rid of the soda from vending machines. i think thats a good idea, i drank a lot of soda in school, its a good mixer for wiskey. you know, i think if the schools really want to fight obesity, they should put the cafeteria about five miles from the classroom, then if the kids want to eat you go 'ok, youve got 20 minutes- move it move it!'.'- alison becker plays her ukulele and sings 'the lion sleeps tonight' with craig!
bridger, secretariat, and secretariat
geoff peterson, the robot skeleton sidekick, was supposed to go to a special event with secretariat, but due to the beating he got from russell brand earlier, the intern bridger had to go instead. bridger announces 'we are at hollywood park to cover the 'too hot trot' match race between secretariat, from the disney movie, sharky from 'medival times', and our own late late show secretariat'. bridger then goes into find out how the horses are groomed and fed for the race. as bridger explains, 'as a throughbred comedy horse, secretariat cant run without three bikini girls, theme music, and a little person'. they then proceed to do one of those 'benny hill' style fastforward runs around the field eventually ending with secretariat falling flat on his face!
12-10-10
+ 'theres a new movie opening today that i'm very excited about', craig ferguson shares, 'its called 'the tourist' with angelina jolie and johnny depp. they have never acted together but they make a great couple. one is a gorgous creature who i always picture having sweaty sex with brad pitt, and the other is angelina jolie. johnny and angelina have a lot in common, both have tattoos of exes on their arms. angelina used to have billy bob thornton and johnny used to have 'winona forever' and he had to change it to 'wino forever'. he did. i made the same mistake when i was young, i used to have a tattoo on my ass that said 'i love hitchcock' cause he's my favorite director. then we had a falling out and i had to get rid of some letters... now, johnny depp's girlfriend, actually girlfriend doesnt seem the right term, its the mother of his children. his partner, i suppose, is vanessa paradis. she's french. she's a french singer. i always wondered why the press doesnt give them a cool nickname like 'brangelina'. you could call them 'vajohnny'! why wont the press stop hounding vajohnny! everyone wants pictures of vajohnny! i'm in a good mood! hollywood really loves johnny depp. recently, though, johnny depp said this in an interview, he said that hes actually very anti hollywood. he said that to vanity fair in his trailor on the set of pirates of the caribbean 4. you cant much less hollywood than that, i suppose.'+ bridger goes to see a competition between secretariat, a horse from 'medival times', and criag's secretariat!
- neil patrick harris he has a heart to heart conversation with bridger about craig's 'anger issues'
12-09-10
+ 'i've got my christmas tree, you can relax everyone', craig ferguson shares, 'i got it last weekend. it was the usual disaster, i go to pick out the tree, i throw it in the back of the car. first you have to clean off all the disgusting things living in the tree, the insects, the mice, randy quaid- get them all off! then i got the tree home, this happens to me ever year, i get the tree home and the stand is broken- its always broken! its fine when i get it, then i take it home and its leany. i try fixing it and it breaks then i get all mad. i get the tree back in the car and i drive it back where i bought it, which is a parking lot near where we live. in the winter they sell trees, in the fall they sell pumpkins, in the summer they sell crack. and i'm prepaired to yell at them, i'm like 'the tree! the stand!' and they couldnt be nicer. they fixed my stand, they gave me free decorations, and free crack! thanks, rotery club. i've heard people critizice the whole idea of having a christmas tree. you are chopping down a living thing to put in your house. the kind of people who say that usually have flowers in their hair. ah ha! flowers that have been yanked from the ground and torn from their roots. to these people i say 'bite me'. but they wont bite me because they are vegans. i tell them to go bite my vegtable then. when i was driving to get the christmas tree my son was with me. i was all mad at the christmas tree people and they were very nice. i was driving back home and my son says 'see dad, it works out all right'. i said 'yeah, i guess'. hes 9 and he says 'dad, you know how you get there are glass half full people, and there are glass half full people?' i go 'yeah?' 'you are a glass completely empty type person'.'- lucy liu
# jody williams winner of the nobel peace prize. she is really mean for a peace prize winner...
poor geoff!
russell brand, always a great guest on 'the late late show with craig ferguson', seems to have a problem with geoff peterson. or at least he did on his latest visit! after talking with craig for a bit, geoff peterson piped in and russell lashed out at him for fear of a robot uprising, it would seem. he poured his drink over geoff peterson's head! after a little more talking with craig, russell returned to geoff and pushed him around, causing the top of his head to fall off, then russell grabbed the geoff's mug and stand and bashed him over the head with it! poor geoff! it was pretty funny, though. sure hope geoff's circuits didnt get fried and he still works tomorrow...
12-08-10
+ 'now today is actually a very sad anniversary', craig ferguson states, 'it was thirty years ago today that john lennon died, which is a terrible loss still felt, of course. its impossible to over emphasize how important john lennon was to music. first with the beatles then solo. its an amazing journey. in just a few years the beatles went from 'she loves you, yeah yeah yeah' to the trippy stuff. the only modern act to evolve like that was when madonna went from material girl to a british dude. 'like a virgin, touched for the very first time!' the beatles went through many stages of their brief career, there was the fresh faced cherib phase, the shaggy around the ears phase, the beardy ass hippie phase. ive been doing this show six years and i'm stuck in one phase: crap. but the beatles are easily the best musicians named after a bug. sorry, adam ant. take that, scorpions. so long, lady bug gaga. when i first heard the beatles song 'love me do' i thought it was 'love me dude'. i guess you hear what you want to hear... all the beatles songs have just been released on the itunes of course. this is great news for people like me. and by people like me, i mean people who are too old to know how to download music illegally! 'eh, where does the coin go?' beatlemania was huge at the time. in the uk, when the beatles left for america for the first time, there were thousands of screaming fans showed up at the airport to see them go. it was the same when i left scotland for america, a very similar situation. except the people who showed up at the airport were just there to make sure i didnt come back!- russell brand hilarious and brilliant as ever, this time though, he took out a bit of rage on geoff peterson!
12-07-10
+ 'if you live here in los angeles, youve probably noticed the crisp smell in the air that can only mean one thing', craig ferguson shares, 'award season is with us again. its the time when tv and film critics nominate shows that arent this one. today the nominations were announced for the anny awards, which is short for animation awards. the anny awards used to be the animation industry's highest honor, now the highest honor in animation is getting 750 million dollars per picture. when i first heard about the anny awards i thought 'finally, they are recognizing all of us who played annie on stage!' it was the highlight of my career! anyway, the most anny nominations went today to a little film called 'how to train your dragon'. i'm rooting for that one because peter travers from rolling stone called it 'the sublime entertainment that will charm your socks off', and because i'm in it! a ha! i've done a lot of voice work for cartoons. it makes sense. what child doesnt light up when they hear a middle aged alcoholic talk show host! 'hey kids! the sun'll come out tomorrow!' anyway, im doing the voice of owl in the next 'winnie the pooh' movie. thats true. i've been preparing by eating mice and trying to twist my head all the way around. my character in 'how to train your dragon' had a hook for a hand. i'm a method actor so i wore a hook for the entire month i did the film. nearly tore off my wiener. i think its weird though having an award show for cartoons. what do you ask the characters on the red carpet? 'hey goofy, you look fabulous, who drew you tonight?' 'ga, kids in korea, g-huck!'.'- carrie fisher she presented craig with the latest thing in australia: a kangaroo scrotum. yikes!
12-06-10
+ bob saget stops by to plug his new show and inadvertently tell a few dirty jokes.+ 'theres a huge snow storm in the middle of the country', craig ferguson shares, 'its cold out there, i'm telling you, cold! anyway, they say we are in for a pretty harsh winter this year. this is because we are under the influence of 'la nina'. now, if you dont speak spanish, that means 'the nina'. the affect of la nina is being felt all over the country, except for arizona. apparently la nina doesnt have her papers. i think everyone should use this winter storm to appreciate natures beauty. remember, no two snowflakes are alike: some are big, some are little, some are dirty, some melt on your tongue. they are like tiny little frozen kardashians... its been a little bit chilly here in l.a., a cold snap like this can cause fights over who controls the thermostat in the house. for example, i like to keep our house relatively cool at 65 degrees, but my wife likes to crank it up to 70 degrees. so we compromise and keep it at 70 degrees. if you think 'thats not compromise!' then youre not married.'
12-03-10
+ 'this weekend is a big weekend for those of you who like alcohol', craig ferguson informs, 'you know, the booze, the happy juice, the randy quaadahol. it was on this weekend in 1933 prohibition was repealed. i dont know why they repealed it, it was such a great idea. making something illegal always stops its use. what force is stronger than a citizens desire to follow the law? well, crack i suppose. and meth. and smurf dust. yes, there is a street drug called smurf dust. see young people, i'm just like you! prohibition was made possible by the passage of the 18th amendment, and then after that came the 19th amendment which gave women the right to vote. theres a double wammy right there, no booze and then you have to listen to womens opinions about stuff. am i right, chauvinists? am i right?' - kristen bell its an 'all kristen all the time' episode as kristen bell joins craig for the intro, the tweets and emails, and as a guest!
= michael franti talks and sings
craig's grammy nomination
'its a great day for me!' craig ferguson recently shared on his show, 'i know what you are thinking, 'its always a great day for you, with your cheap suit'. no, its not true. my days are usually filled with tears, self loathing, and a very bad smell... i'm onion intolerant. its a good day for me because last night i got nominated for a grammy award! yes, thats right, the award you'd expect me to get nominated for, the most prestigious award in music. why not give it to a dork on tv in the middle of the night! i'm not sure what i think about this nomination. i think the grammys might have officially 'jumped the shark'. i was nominated for an audiobook of my autobiography, the spoken word category. it was the same category al gore won for his book. anyway, look, i dont get nominated for a lot of stuff, so i feel very good about this. last time i was nominated for anything was for my sex tape: best solo performance. anyway, this grammy nomination brings me one step closer to my lifetime goal of losing every major award in hollywood!'good luck, craig!
12-02-10
+ 'last night i was nominated for a grammy!' criag ferguson exclaims, 'it was for my audiobook of my biography. l l cool j told me i was nominated, and i was thinking 'man, this night couldnt get better!' but then it did! there was a live satellite hook-up with justin bieber. the young girls were screaming so much they shattered something very valuable: cher's face! last night i was talking to these journalists and they were saying 'justin is an internet sensation!' and i'm thinking 'oh really? is that a big deal?' you can be an internet sensation if you can auto tune your farts or if you can get drunk and eat a burger off the floor you are an internet sensation!'- cedric the entertainer
+ chris hardwicke stops by to help with the tweets and emails and gets a 'team secretariat' shirt!
= norah jones
12-01-10
+ 'have you seen the new russian issue of vogue magazine?' craig ferguson inquires, 'neither have i! no, this is true, in the december issue of the russian vogue magazine there is a video ad. a video ad in a magazine! its an ad for dulce and gabana liquor. i'm like 'dulce and gabana make liquor?' so when you are passed out in a pool of vomit you look fabulous? but i never heard of a video ad in a magazine. we may have beat the russians into space, but they are kicking our ass in magazine technology! thats right, the space race. thats my topical humor right there! take that, sputnik! anyway, apparently what you do is when you open the magazine a tiny video screen plays a commercial. its somehow both adorable and sinister. back in my day if i wanted to see moving pictures in a magazine i had to get high by eating the perfume samples! you just get sick and your poop smells like 'eternity'. anyway, i'm not surprised we are getting video ads in magazines. advertisers are scrambling these days cause people dvr their favorite tv shows and skip past the commercials, except people who watch this show, they cant wait for the commercials! 'hey honey, fast forward through the scottish guy, i want to learn about boner pills'.'team secretariat shirts
for the last month or so on 'the late late show with craig ferguson', craig has been obsessed with secretariat. it all stemmed from the disney film that recently came out. ever since the film came out craig has had the door bell ring during his tweets and emails segment and has seen a dancing secretariat come out to wild applause! craig has loved it so much that the doorbell has been ringing during other segments as well. whenever the horse comes out during an interview, craig and the guest jump up and start dancing. now craig is taking it to a new level: when ever a guest dances along to the secretariat song, he awards them a 'team secretariat' shirt! when talking to salman rushdie, the first to receive a shirt, he said 'because you danced with secretariat, i've issued a new regime of giving a free tee shirt to everyone who dances with secretariat!'recipiants so far:
salman rushdie
chris hardwicke
kristen bell
katie couric
neil patrick harris
ali the audience member
want one for yourself? find one here!
11-30-10
+ 'its a great day if you love john wayne', craig ferguson shares, 'and who doesnt? i'll tell you who doesnt: al quida. 'i hate john wayne, his american manliness is stronger than my love for jihad!' if you like john wayne, and i do, there is an auction here in hollywood that you should about. it features one of the most interesting pieces of memorabilia from his career. its not his six shooter, its not his cowboy hat, its not his leather chaps, i got those last year, its his wig! john waynes wig from the movie 'el dorado'! by the way, if you dont speak spanish, el dorado means 'the dorado'. anyway, i know what you are thinking 'wait a minute craig, john wayne wasnt bald! at least not upstairs...' not many people know this, john wayne actually wore wigs in all of his movies since 1948. i'm ok with that though, its not embarrassing to wear a wig for a job. at least thats what i tell myself when i'm out on the street hookin'. john wayne made up for any wig related weirdness with his walk. i cant do it, it just looks like i have a wedgie. anyway, if you are thinking about getting john waynes wig, let me make one thing clear: buying his wig will not make you tough like him. in fact, if you are buying wigs at all, you probably arent tough. john wayne was tough because his real name was marrion morrison, thats true. a boy will grow up tough if you name him something that questions his masculinity. like marrion, or a boy named sue, or lady gaga. thats right, theres meat under the dress too!'- dj qualls stops by to help with the tweets and emails
arthur and craig
after realizing last week that there was a french talk show that has been stealing material from 'the late late show with craig ferguson', the host of that show steps out in front the the camera at the beginning of tonight's episode:
'bonjour!' welcomes the french talk show host arthur.
'hey, woah! what are you doing?' craig asks as he walks in.
'i'm doing the show' arthur answers,
'no, you are doing MY show! you are copying me!' craig fumes.
'ridiculous. bizarre' arthur responds.
'really? i put it to you arthur, if thats really your name. which its not, it jaque', craig announces.
'you are an idiot. it was not a copy, it was an homage. a tribute to your abilities' arthur says.
'what about when i saw you this morning walking my dog?' craig asks.
'also a tribute to your unique talents, and your dog really needs a bath'.
'what about last night when i caught you kissing my wife?'
'also a tribute to you. also, your wife needs a bath'.
'you are just copying everything i do!'
'no, you are just copying everything i say'
'oh no, not this old trick'
'oh no, not this old trick' arthur repeats.
'this is so juvenile, just repeating everything i say'
'no, it is you who is repeating everything i say, and its not easy with my english. and as you say, my show airs in france, 9 time zones ahead of los angeles. to repeat everything i say you must be some kind of psychic, possibly a witch, a kind of old gay harry potter' arthur implores.
'how dare you!'
'i propose that we burn you to get ride of you and your witchcraft' arthur states.
'you are good. you are very good...' craig admits.
'wee'
'this isnt over...' craig fumes as he walks off stage.
read an article about the whole strange mess here!
11-29-10
+ 'today i'm talking about wiki leaks', craig ferguson states, 'the leaked documents, most of it is just stuff sent between offices, just interoffice gossip. you know, the kind you email about coworkers. little jokes about your boss, little kitty cats hanging off branches, text photographs of you genitals. by the way, cbs cares, never send pictures of your genitals to your coworkers. send them to me! my email address is andyrooney@theinternet./google.cbs.com. you wait to see '60 minutes' on sunday! 'dont you hate it when you get unsolicited photographs of genitals? me neither!' anyway, now wiki leaks, theyve done good in the past, but i dont know if this latest release helps anyone. by the way, if you really want to keep something very secret, give it to the cbs publicity department. i'm not fucking kidding! they've got a wealth of information that no one will ever know about. this show, for example. or the humanitarian work of charlie sheen...'+ arthur, the french copycat, stops by to help craig with tweets and emails.
+ craig and arthur, recreating a scene from 'casablanca', say their fond farewells and head off into the sunset together.
11-24-10
+ 'now today, of course, was the busiest travel day of the year', craig ferguson announces, 'now, i'm not making this up, the TSA, the most popular organization in america right now, the TSA issued a reminder that gravy is not an allowed liquid. thats true! they actually had to tell people not to bring ziploc bags of gravy onto airplanes. so let me get this straight, they wont touch your gavy, but they will touch your jiblettes. the TSA has got the new pat down proceedure thats got everyone up in arms about it, cause its a lot more ball grabby. but let me tell you, if a stranger grabbing my nuts is the price we have to pay for security, then give me all the security i can handle! you better look again, we wont to be safe! anyway, lets not blame the TSA employees. do you think they were thrilled when the bosses came in and said 'ok, starting next week we are cupping everyones balls!' theyve got a job to do and they are doing it, so be sure to give them a smile and tip generously!'- dwayne johnson the Rock! man, he's awesome! go see 'faster', its really good!
-> paula deen
11-23-10
+ 'its a terrible day if you are in south korea', craig ferguson admits, 'did you hear about this? they were attacked by north korea, now the two nations are on the brink of a war. sounds like that pint sized madman, kim jung ill, is up to his old tricks! actually experts are saying that the person behind the attacks is not him, but his son. aw, kids grow up so fast! 'dad, i just want to borrow the army for a few hours!' anyways, never mind south korea and war, its a big night if you like dancing, or stars of course. the finalle was on tonight. congratulations, winner. now he or she goes off and... does whatever you do when you win. well, tomorrow they are on the view, thats what you do if you win dancing with the stars. you go on the view and barbara walters will go all old school and teach them the lindy hop or something. anyway, the three dancing with the stars finalists are bristol palin, jennifer grey, and a guy named kyle massey. no, i have no idea who he is either. they all defeated david hassellhoff and the mom from the brady bunch. beating hassellhoff isnt that difficult, you just distract him by throwing a burger on the floor. 'hey dave, whats that?' i dont want to get all preachy, but its a harsh indictment of our news media as we lurch towards possible nuclear war on the korean peninsula, that all anyone can talk about is dancing with the stars. me included! isnt it time journalists started asking the hard hitting questions like what does kim jung ill think about dancing with the stars?'- mark ruffalo he played the mouth organ with craig, and was actually really good!
french ferguson copycat
it recently came to craig ferguson's attention that there is a french talk show that has been stealing from his show. the french show, called 'ce soir avec arthur', and it is almost the exact same thing as craig's show, stealing his puppet bits and his sing-alongs and everything! they even stole his opening sequence! what did craig have to say about this? 'be honest, do i look french to you? i dont, right?' craig says, 'im on the tweety box every now and agan, and sometimes i go on twitter as well... so i was on the twitter and someone tweeted me on the twitter a clip of this show they saw in france. its a french talk show. i looked at it and im like 'huh?' they have a clip of the show and its a straight rip off of my show! what?!? and its better lit than this! i'm looking at it and thinking its a coincidence, surely. theres no way, he just happens to have the puppets as me and do kind of the same thing. let me just look a the title sequence of this show along with the title sequence of my show, so i did. they are almost a shot for shot remake! a couple things, one: great music, two: what the fuck is going on?!? listen, if you are going to steal from a show, at least steal from a good show like 'lost', or 'the wire'. dont steal from this show! thats like taking pants from a hobo! you cant steal from us, we dont have anything!'see it for yourself here.
11-22-10
+ 'i was in nashville this weekend', craig ferguson states, 'i had a blast doing stand-up this weekend. when i got to the theater i saw this line around the block and i thought 'yes!', i knew right away that i was performing right next to a theater showing the harry potter movie. that movie made so much money this weekend, my audience was the only people in america that didnt give a rats ass about harry potter. or, i suppose, they could have seen both harry potter, then me, made it a double bill. first the gay wizard with the enormous magic wand, then harry potter. i packed light for nashville, just a couple shirts and my ass kicking boots. i made the boots myself, but i wont say what i made them out of. lets just say that my house is a couple ferrets lighter... its a joke, alright? its a joke ferret loving wren fair crazy people! its a joke! i dont have ferrets, i'm not actually french, my penis is actually regular size! one of those isnt true...'11-19-10
+ 'everyone is very excited about the big movie opening today', craig ferguson shares, 'and when i say everyone is excited about it, i do mean everyone... well, i mean children and teenagers and creepy middle aged dudes, because harry potter and the deathly hollows opens this weekend! thats right, i'm going quiddich crazy! sure, russell crowe has a big movie opening up this weekend too, but does russell crowe have a big magic wand? its got to be dissappointing making a movie and then finding out your movie gets released the same day as harry potter. its like going to a strip club and then realizing you are sitting next to bill clinton. actually, the harry potter movies arent really for me. why? because i am an adult. if you are a grown man watching a movie for teenagers, i have one thing to say to you: shame on you, roman polanski! no, harry potter is awesome, its a global phenomenon. even osama bin laden likes harry potter. thats true, in the last tape he said 'death to all westerners, except perhaps for harry potter'. this harry potter movie is so good though, that they had to split the movie in two parts. part two doesnt come out until next june. now its obviously why they split the movie in two. the producers said, and i qoute, 'its to do justice to the words and ideas in the amazing story'. which is hollywood talk for 'we can make twice as much'.11-18-10
+ 'today is a very special day actually', craig ferguson shares, 'its the 35th annual great american smoke out today. if you are out there smoking, knock it off. 43 million american smoke. and they say today, cause this is the day you are meant to stop, the best way to quite is not to start. i hate it when they say stupid stuff like that. its not helpful, its easier to stop if you dont start, or look before you leep, or dont put your penis in the vacuum cleaner. yeah, now you tell me, its too late! if you had told me before i wouldnt have done it! it says on the box 'ball vacuum'! the demographic most likely to start smoking, this is true, is teenagers. now this is because teenagers love doing stupid stuff. this is true, we know that. who besides teenagers would fall in love with a sensitive vampire or a twinky werewolf. 'hes got feelings'- hes a vampire, you idiot! the reason teenagers start smoking is because they think its cool. its rebellious again. ive thought of a fool proof plan to get teens to stop smoking is to give cigarettes embarrassing names. not cool names like winston or salem or anything like that, they should give them names like 'camel toes', or 'bottom frolics'. just straight out call them penises! what teenager is going to go up to the counter and say 'give me a pack of penises'. no one is going to say that! no one is going to walk up to someone and say 'can i bum a penis?'. i worry that the banning of cigarettes is restoring some of the coolness of them. i dont think we should treat smokers like criminals, they should be treated like normal people, normal people with terrible breath and teeth the color of post-its!'+ access extratainment tonight with barny slash and john tesh. man, these things just keep getting weirder and weirder...
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