+ 'today is a very special day actually', craig ferguson shares, 'its the 35th annual great american smoke out today. if you are out there smoking, knock it off. 43 million american smoke. and they say today, cause this is the day you are meant to stop, the best way to quite is not to start. i hate it when they say stupid stuff like that. its not helpful, its easier to stop if you dont start, or look before you leep, or dont put your penis in the vacuum cleaner. yeah, now you tell me, its too late! if you had told me before i wouldnt have done it! it says on the box 'ball vacuum'! the demographic most likely to start smoking, this is true, is teenagers. now this is because teenagers love doing stupid stuff. this is true, we know that. who besides teenagers would fall in love with a sensitive vampire or a twinky werewolf. 'hes got feelings'- hes a vampire, you idiot! the reason teenagers start smoking is because they think its cool. its rebellious again. ive thought of a fool proof plan to get teens to stop smoking is to give cigarettes embarrassing names. not cool names like winston or salem or anything like that, they should give them names like 'camel toes', or 'bottom frolics'. just straight out call them penises! what teenager is going to go up to the counter and say 'give me a pack of penises'. no one is going to say that! no one is going to walk up to someone and say 'can i bum a penis?'. i worry that the banning of cigarettes is restoring some of the coolness of them. i dont think we should treat smokers like criminals, they should be treated like normal people, normal people with terrible breath and teeth the color of post-its!'
+ access extratainment tonight with barny slash and john tesh. man, these things just keep getting weirder and weirder...

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