12-22-10

+ 'its the day before the day before christmas eve', craig ferguson reminds us, 'its the last hump day before christmas. t'was the last humpday before christmas and all through the show, charlie sheen is in the bedroom with hookers and blow! we can do better, t'was the humpday before christmas and all through l.a., everyone was asking 'is ferguson gay?'. i'll do one more, t'was the humpday before christmas and i'll tell you the truth, i'm glad its not snowing because we dont have a roof! thats no kidding! christmas is very special here in hollywood, a very special time. when people wish you a happy holidays here in hollywood, five percent of them actually mean it. if you havent started your christmas shopping now, dont worry theres plenty of time. no, you better start worrying, you're fucked! the shopping malls are a nightmare this week! a lot of people prefer christmas shopping online, and i understand. i like to shop wearing nothing but my underpants. thats why i always go to the mall! i actually buy most of my gifts from amazon. not the website, the actual rainforest. nothing says christmas cheer like a box full of poisonous spiders. if you have to go to the mall, heres a trick to avoid the crowds: go late. very late. like maybe after the mall is closed. all you need is a brick and a getaway car. and if you dont have time to go shopping, you can always improvise. 'merry christmas honey, i got you two presents: macaroni and cheese!' you know the store thats always open late? the 99 cents store. which is perfect for shopping, because, hey, 99 cents! and who doesnt love ukrainian chocolate?'

- michael clarke duncan

# grand imahara