+ 'i've got my christmas tree, you can relax everyone', craig ferguson shares, 'i got it last weekend. it was the usual disaster, i go to pick out the tree, i throw it in the back of the car. first you have to clean off all the disgusting things living in the tree, the insects, the mice, randy quaid- get them all off! then i got the tree home, this happens to me ever year, i get the tree home and the stand is broken- its always broken! its fine when i get it, then i take it home and its leany. i try fixing it and it breaks then i get all mad. i get the tree back in the car and i drive it back where i bought it, which is a parking lot near where we live. in the winter they sell trees, in the fall they sell pumpkins, in the summer they sell crack. and i'm prepaired to yell at them, i'm like 'the tree! the stand!' and they couldnt be nicer. they fixed my stand, they gave me free decorations, and free crack! thanks, rotery club. i've heard people critizice the whole idea of having a christmas tree. you are chopping down a living thing to put in your house. the kind of people who say that usually have flowers in their hair. ah ha! flowers that have been yanked from the ground and torn from their roots. to these people i say 'bite me'. but they wont bite me because they are vegans. i tell them to go bite my vegtable then. when i was driving to get the christmas tree my son was with me. i was all mad at the christmas tree people and they were very nice. i was driving back home and my son says 'see dad, it works out all right'. i said 'yeah, i guess'. hes 9 and he says 'dad, you know how you get there are glass half full people, and there are glass half full people?' i go 'yeah?' 'you are a glass completely empty type person'.'
# jody williams winner of the nobel peace prize. she is really mean for a peace prize winner...

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