11-21-11

+ 'hollywood is swimming in cash because the twilight movie made so much money over the weekend', craig ferguson shares, 'whats it called again? breaking dawn? breaking wind? something like that. i love the twilight movie, i cant get enough of the sensitive vampires and the twinky werewolves! its not true. i've never seen them. well, i've seen the first one. i thought 'maybe this is not so bad' because i used to make fun of the harry potter, you know, i was like 'aw, this is rubbish'. but then i read the books and and watched the movies- now i'm a total griffin-dork! and if you dont know what that is then you are a hufflepuff! i thought 'well, ill look at a twilight movie, maybe i'm wrong'. i put it in the vcr- thats right, i've got a vcr! i took out my jackie chan movie and started watching it. i thought 'well, this is in fact awful!' its crap! to be fair, i only made it though the first half hour. maybe it got better, but i couldnt do that do myself. it would be like saying 'this really hurts when i rub the cheese grater on my genitals, but maybe it will get better, and besides my quesadilla isnt finished!' i shouldnt dis twilight, its not for me.'

+ robin williams joins in to help out with the tweets and emails

- johnny galicki

11-18-11

+ 'today is a very big day for america's sweetheart: regis philbin', craig ferguson shares, 'my friend regis is having his last day on the regis show. i shouldnt call it the regis show, cause kelly ripa is there. they are two great hosts, but lets be honest, one of them is just there for eye candy, and the other one is kelly ripa. i remember i was eating breakfast when regis announced he was leaving, i almost choked on my sausage! and then my breakfast got stuck in my throat too! in new york people actually camped out to see regis' last show. it looked like occupy wall street, but regis' fans are a little bit older, so it looked more like occupy wall mart. regis' departure thought is big news. all day long reactions from the daytime tv stars came pouring in. the women from the view said they were sorry to see regis go, ellen degeneres said she is broken hearted, dr. phil said 'poached eggs in the hand when the chicken are flyin'!' a lot of people think regis is retiring, but hes not retiring. he's just finished with that show. retiring, now a days anyway, means taking some time off then coming back, taking pictures of your penis and texting them! regis would never do that. he would take pictures of his penis, but he wouldnt know how to text them!'

- don rickles

relationship advice from craig

after reading a tweet about his recent penchant for fun socks, craig ferguson shares a bit of relationship advice for all the bachelors out there. he said 'hey, here's a tip. guys, if you want girls to find you attractive, when they are looking at your leg because they will be drawn by the sock. pull it down a little bit, and that mark that the elastic makes- it drives them crazy!'

11-17-11

+ 'its a great day if you want to stop smoking', craig ferguson shares, 'its the 36th annual smoke out. this is the day that everybody who smokes is encouraged to knock it off. so if you are seeing me through a haze of smoke it means you haven't quit yet, or you live in l.a. and your window is open. but if you are out there smoking, stop right now! unless you are smoking... you know... in which case, carry on! you know, late november is the perfect time to quit smoking. what could be more stress free than spending the holidays with your family? but as bad as they are, smoking helps you deal with stress. so do breathing exercises. so my point is always smoke during yoga. president obama quit smoking earlier this year, but it wasnt easy, he had to ask the republicans for permission first. obama is not the first president to use tobacco though, fdr was famous for using one of those holders. bill clinton used one of those too, her name is monica. i think the surgan general should just come out and tell the truth: kissing a smoker is like licking a cats butt! dont ask me how i know that... call me, heathcliff!'

- robin williams

= black dub

11-16-11

+ 'president obama is in australia today', craig ferguson states, 'you know whats interesting? when he is in australia his approval ratings go down the toilet in the other direction! last weekend the president was in hawaii, today he is in australia, on friday he goes to indonesia. i think what happened is he saw the republican debates and he was like 'this reelection is going to be a piece of cake, i'm going on vacation!' no, thats not true. the president is traveling all around the pacific rim. but its not a pacific rim vacation, its a pacific rim job... today the president made a big announcement, today he said we are sending 20,000 troops to australia. the troops are going down there for one reason: we've declared war on the dingos! dingos of course get a bad rap, they dont eat all the babies, just the tasty ones... dingo is just a fancy word for 'dog' though, dingos are just like regular old dogs, they lick their genitals one ball at a time, just like american dogs! do you know that this show actually airs in australia? i'm not sure how that works with the time difference, i think they are a day ahead. so the show thats on right now we havent even done it yet!'

- michael ian black

- alex kingston

11-15-11

+ 'its a great day if you like to recycle', craig ferguson states, 'today is 'america recycles day', and i'm wondering if we really need this? we've already got earth day. so we have to think about the environment on two days?!? why dont we consolidate the two of them into one day, and while we are at it, get rid of arbor day. nobody gives a crap about arbor day! go on, tell me when it is, you cant! exactly! oh, go on, look it up on your computer! anyway, we have a strict recycling policy. can we see that picture of paul mccartney?' and for the one millionth time, they show a picture of angela lansbury! 'we think of recycling as a recent thing, but its been around for hundreds of years. historians say the first example of recycling was the pilgrims. they realized they could recycle corn cobs and use them as dildos! thats not true, but if it was true, wouldnt it be aw
esome? when you think about recycling you should always think about the three r's: reuse, renew, regis. these days we have separate colored bins for the different recyclable stuff. here in l.a. the green bin is for garden waste, blue bin for paper products, and pink bin for old breast implants. you can! you can recycle used boobies! i'm not just making this up. what they do is they melt down the recycled boobies and they turn them into lip injections and butt implants. and the circle of life continues!'

- ewan mcgregor who is always one of craig's best guests! also, now a winner of the golden mouth organ!

11-14-11

+ 'over the weekend president obama was in hawaii', craig ferguson informs, 'his birth place- ha! he attended the big apec summit meeting. now, apec is the asia pacific economic corporation. once a year its leaders get together to discuss free trade, economic growth, blah blah blah. i'm bored already. here's a recap of the conference: president obama was like 'nu uh', china was like 'wha?' and obama was like 'no!' take that, nightline! anyway, i'm sure the conference was a barrel of laughs. everybody loves being in hawaii. the republican candidate rick perry said hawaii was one of his favorite states. there's texas, hawaii, and... there was a third one... its nice that they have the apec conference in hawaii, but i wonder if things got awkward with the leaders of japan? the tour guides are like 'and over here is pearl harbor, but i think you've been here before...'.'

- poppy montgomery

* charlie higson

11-11-11

+ 'today is eleven eleven eleven', craig ferguson informs, 'todays date is the number eleven repeated three times. whats that called again when something is repeated over and over again? thats right, this show! the date 11/11/11 is kind of freaky though. seeing all these ones lined up like that reminds me of the days i had to count my earnings from the strip club. i may have been payed in one dollar bills, but what i learned there was priceless! on the internet there were all kinds of doomsday predictions for the eleventh. but guess what? nothing happened! it doesnt mean anything! people put a lot of significance in numbers, and these people are called morons! to me, numbers have no significance. mathematics has significance, but numbers are just tools of mathematics. i like mathematics, there's always a right or wrong answer. there's no subtlety, no nuance. unlike in art or literature or the gender of the prostitutes on hollywood boulevard! all i'm saying is that you know what you are going to get with mathematics, there's no nasty surprises... or awesome surprises depending on your point of view.'

+ jennifer tilly reads linda cunningham's 'small town girl'

* linda cunningham (she's craig's mother-in-law!)

- drew carey

11-10-11

+ 'its not a great day for texas governor rick perry', craig ferguson shares, 'oh shame. everybody's talking about his performance in the republican candidate debate, the brain freeze he had while trying to name three government agencies that he would eliminate. the media are going cockahoop over this, the pundits are saying that rick perry is as dumb as a post, he's a terrible public speaker, he's an embarrassment to the republican party. now, those things may be true, but personally though i hope he doesnt get out of the campaign. i need rick perry. i need him! i dont want to spend the next year trying to make jokes about mitt romney! what am i going to do with romney?!? take that, romney, you nice haired gorgeous hunk! where the hell can i go with that? look at you with your suit that fits perfectly! anyway, i salute rick perry for the way he's trying to overcome this, today he came out saying hes not one of those slick politicians, this is him just showing his human side, and some third excuse he cant remember...'

- molly shannon

- michael k. williams

11-09-11

+ 'last night there was a close call for planet earth', criag ferguson shares, 'we had a giant asteroid pass by, it was only 200,000 miles from earth. the experts said 'thats not going to hit us', i was still nervous. last night i was screaming 'not the face! not the face!' but we are all right, and i say good riddance asteroid! this is a true thing, the asteroids went by. we dont need you, the human race is perfectly capable of destroying itself. 'oh craig, thats biting commentary about climate change', and i'm like 'no, its just pessimism fueled by a difficult childhood. and a love of dark chocolate.' the asteroid was huge though, it was 1300 feet across. thats the same size as michael moore's ass. the scientists gave it a lame name, they called it 'YU55'. they shouldnt call it that, it should be called something like 'death rock' or 'big floaty boulder'! anyway, nasa says that if the the asteroid would have hit earth it would have caused a 7.4 magnitude earthquake. if it had hit the sea it would have caused a 70 foot tsunami. if it hit were the land met the sea, for example somewhere on the jersey shore, it could have knocked the drink from snooki's hand! now, realistically of course, if we ever face a collision with an asteroid, nasa will do what they do best: assemble a rag-tag band of good looking welders to go up there and kick that rock's ass! you know, they will blow it up with the most powerful weapon ever invented: the power of the ballad! like they did in that movie 'armageddon', you know when they did that thing and steven tyler did his singing thing. it was sexy and creepy because he was singing the song while ben affleck was getting it on with steven tyler's daughter!'

- ellen barkin

> dave attell

11-08-11

+ 'its a great day for me because i just got out of jury duty like three minutes ago!' craig ferguson shares, 'i was very happy to do my civic duty. well, i was very happy to be excused from my civic duty. i was at the l.a. county courthouse all day, i was there all day! it was like three hours in the jury room and it was getting really intense. you know what it was like? it was like a greyhound bus station, waiting for the bus of justice! and the woman next to me was cracking her knuckles and the woman across from me was giving me the stink eye! she was an old lady, but she fancied her chances. i was like 'i'll cut a bitch!' it was going to get shanky in there! and then they were called into this thing. what do they call it? a court! there were 45 potential jurors, and i was in there with all these different people. the judge starts interviewing everybody and they ask what job you do and i said 'late night talk show host' and everybody went 'oh!' and i went 'on cbs' and everybody went 'ugh.' it was a stalking case, it was about stalking! i was like 'judge, i do a lot of stalking, so i dont know if i'm right for this'. i dont know if it was really working, so i made a pass at the judge. anyway, she's meeting me later on!'

- jennifer tilly

* lawrence block

geoff peterson's new voice(s)

does geoff sound a bit different to you? well, there's a reason for that! craig recently spoke about the temporary change in geoff's voice: 'i'm a little worried. i dont know if you are aware of this, but geoff is undergoing some repairs at the moment, so we are trying out various different personality chips for the next two weeks. so geoff will not necessarily be his normal self tonight.' later craig ferguson explains 'a lot of people have been asking me recently 'whats going on with geoff? something's going on with geoff? we want old geoff back!' look, old geoff will be coming back, but the thing is that essential maintenance is being conducted on geoff's innards, and so every night for the next two weeks he will have a different personality.' it seems that geoff's usual voice is gone for a while and there will be a rotating collection of people stepping in to voice our favorite robot skeleton!

those who have stepped in to do geoff's voice:

alfred molina

dominic monaghan

larry king

tom lennon

louie anderson

lauren graham

paula poundstone

jason schwartzman

shadoe stevens

11-07-11

+ 'not a great day for herman cain', craig ferguson states, 'the front runner of the republican presidential nomination, and also michael caine's brother. maybe thats a reach... now firstly, herman cain is the front runner of the sexual harassment claims. i believe very firmly that you are innocent until proven guilty, but today another woman accused him of harassment. how many does that make? four! now the first time you hear a nasty accusation like this you think 'well, it may or may not be true', when it happens twice you think 'well...', the third time 'argh...', the fourth time you think 'who does this guy think he is? schwarzenegger? he cant be doing this!' now four women have accused herman cain of being inappropriate. now thats got to remind him of the deal he made back at the pizza joints: harass four, you get the fifth free! now, people make fun of the fact that he was the CEO of a pizza chain, but i think pizza and politicians go hand in hand: both are hot and steamy and go straight to your ass! cain worked for a pizza chain called godfathers, but apparently he make an offer they could refuse!'

- jeffrey dean morgan

> jeff cesario

11-04-11

+ 'a couple of big movies opening today', craig ferguson reminds, 'youve got the harold and kumar christmas movie opening with neil patrick harris! neil patrick harris: three names, all adorable! he's with us tonight. and tower heist is opening as well with ben stiller, who is not here, so his movie is being slammed by us. no, i'm sure its great. i'm not clear on what its about, i think ben stiller tries to steal money and then stuff in a museum comes to live and helps him do it! its got eddie murphy in it and he's really funny. i love that eddie is paired up with ben stiller, they are like a modern day abbott and costello if abbot were skinny and costello were in to transsexuals. anyway, tower heist, the title tells you what you are going to get. not like some movies, i went to see moneyball: money? ball? brad pitt? i'm sold! i walked out of that movie feeling such a fool! i like heist movies. my all time favorite heist movie is a movie called 'the italian job' from the 1960's.

- neil patrick harris

- imelda may

11-03-11

+ 'i usually try to avoid talking about controversial subjects', craig ferguson states, 'you know, like political dirty laundry and all that stuff. but the top story is pretty much everywhere right now so i've got to talk about it: thats right, someone bought queen victoria's underwear. apparently an anonymous man, a man that nobody knows who it is. 'what kind of man is that?' an anonymous man! he or she, but it was a man, but he was anonymous, so you cant be entirely sure. this anonymous person, a man, in scotland paid fifteen thousand bucks at auction for the panties from the 19th century. i cant tell you who it was, but it was a very tense auction. 'sold to the creepy scottish guy in the back!' cost me a fortune! but so what, i love the feeling of two hundred year old silk against my junk! beneath these trousers is a piece of history... and the queen's panties. the queen's undergarments were very big, they had to be: victoria was the embodiment of english modesty. she also had to cover up her tramp stamp as well.'

- alan alda

- ariel tweto

super tweety

craig ferguson and geoff peterson are back at it with a new email and tweet song!  this time the jingle is in the style of rick james and seems to be a play on his hit 'super freak'.  craig, clad in a goofy wig and mustache, rocks out the leopard print jacket, plays with some sort of fish for some reason, and tries to have his way with geoff in drag!  of course, each version of the tweets jingle must have 'ass mode' in it, this time it is in the form of huge rings craig wears!  they do a great job of getting the 70's rick james style, complete with cheesy effects and everything!

11-02-11

+ 'not a great day for herman cain, the pizza man who turned presidential candidate', craig ferguson shares, 'a third woman accused him of sexual harassment. three! then he was immediately endorsed by bill clinton.

the big news today is about justin bieber. oh, you didnt know? or maybe you did know you just didnt give a fuck! apparently a los angeles woman claims she had justin bieber's love child. she claims she hooked up with him backstage at a concert. thats the life of a pop star for you right there! the only thing that happens to me backstage is a surly teamster comes over and grills at me from time to time. 'you still aint funny, kilborn.' anyway, i hope the justin bieber story isnt true, i like to imagine justin bieber as pure as the driven snow. like the jonas brothers! remember them, young people? of course you dont. if justin did have a baby we can all agree that it would be the cutest baby ever! this will all be cleared up pretty soon. they are going to need a strand of justin's hair to do a DNA test. i'm like 'wha! do not touch his hair!' sure, the woman will have to take a paternity test and then the world will know once and for all who the father is: arnold schwarzenegger!'

- ted danson

- bitsie tulloch

11-01-11

+ 'its not a great day for kim kardashian', craig ferguson shares, 'its not a great day for kim and her soon to be ex husband, lurch kardashian. as the whole world knows by now, they have pulled the plug on their marriage after a whopping 72 days. even by hollywood standards thats not long! i've had erections that have lasted longer! i know, i know, i should have called my doctor. but what am i going to say? 'its awesome, doctor!' i dont know why people get worked up about gay marriage, its not gay people who are ruining the sanctity of marriage, its fucking celebrities that are ruining the sanctity of marriage! 'craig, thats rich coming from you who has been married three times' shut up, i cant be held to my own standards, how dare you! i'll tell you, the news about the kardashian divorce has depressed me. its either that or all the candy i ate last night. and this morning. and right before i walked out right here... oh butterfinger, i am your bitch! anyway, the 72 day marriage doesn't come close to the all time hollywood record. thats held by carmen electra and dennis rodman who were married for 9 days. 9 days. it boggles my mind! what could dennis rodman have done? oh thats right, its dennis rodman.'

- maria bello

- jake johnson

10-31-11

+ happy halloween! 'it is a great day for the human race!' criag ferguson states, 'is it? yes it is. we are no seven billion strong! well done, us! the seven billionth person was born today. congratulations! its a baby girl! i think. you know whats more surprising? out of the seven billion people in the world no one is surprised that kim kardashian is getting divorced. thats not true, i was surprised. when i heard she was getting divorced i thought 'what?' i mean, i called it, but i didnt call it that fast- i said like a year, but thats fast! terribly sad. if two celebrities who hardly know each other get married for a tv show cant make it, what hope is there for any of us? apparently kim and her husband whose name is... i dont know, tall dude? what is it, lurch? i dont know. anyway, they didnt have a prenup! yeah, that will scare you on halloween! under california law that means that he is now legally entitled to half the junk in her trunk. thats still a lot of junk...'

- zooey deschanel

* neil gaiman he presents craig with a haggis!

= amanda palmer

10-28-11

+ 'its friday of course', craig ferguson states, 'only three more shopping days until halloween! i've already picked out my costume: i'm going as 'grumpy old man who doesnt give out candy'! anyway, its a very exciting day today, i've been looking forward to it all year. i'm sure you are sick of hearing about it by now, but today is the first day of the rome international film festival. in rome people are running through the streets, drinking and partying, waving their arms in the air! then they heard about the film festival! 'whas a come and a go, itsa movie time!' i've got to be honest with you, i actually dont give a rats ass about the rome film festival, but i do love the city of rome. whenever i think of rome i think of orgies. i know you are wondering 'why? why do you think of roman orgies, craig?' i'll tell you why: because i'm filthy! actually i think of roman orgies all the time, all those writhing bodies, all that exposed flesh, all those shiny helmets rubbing... you know, some times there were women there too!'

- olivia munn

> judy gold

= duran duran

10-27-11

+ 'last night, wednesday night, i did what i normally do on hump day', craig ferguson shares, 'i went to the movies. 'why did you go to the movies on hump day?' i hear you ask in your high pitched scottish voice. why would you go to a movie? what is it about having an infant crying and pooping all over your house that would make you seek the quite dark sanctuary of a movie theater? that 8 month old tyrrant! how could something that small be so loud? i was all complaining about it, i said to my wife 'oh come on, that baby is so loud!' and she said 'yeah, i wonder where he gets that...'. anyway, i saw the movie 'warrior'. its a good movie, actually. the guy who plays the lead is great, his name is tom hardy. he's in the next batman movie, he plays batmans sidekick: throbbin'... nick nolte was in the movie too, it was a great performance. nick nolte actually offered to get me a copy of the movie on dvd, he was going to drive it over himself. i'm like 'nah, its safer if i just go to the theater myself...' anyway, the movie is about mma, thats mixed martial arts. watching those fighters made me feel really out of shape. it inspired me: next week i'm going to do a push up!'

- kunal nayyar

10-21-11

+ 'there's big news in the world of late night tv', craig ferguson shares, 'this week president obama is going to be a guest on the tonight show with jay leno. i'm surprised because his popularity is at an all time low. there are people in the street who are marching against him. so its very nice of president obama to help him out!

hey, did you hear about this thing that happened in dublin? dublin is in ireland. in ireland a man was arrested, and this is true, he was arrested for defecating in his apartment space heater, which apparently is a crime in dublin! he was arrested, the cops barged in and said 'this place is a dump!' and he said 'thanks, i made it me self!' thats true!

- jeffrey tambor

= laura janson

> cory kahaney

10-20-11

+ 'not everybody is having a great day', craig ferguson shares, 'its not a great day for the nut job dictators of the world. moammar gadhafi is in fact no mo mar gadhafi! a spokesperson for the libyan rebels said that gadhafi will soon be replaced by ashton kutcher. it will never work! i dont know, if ashton walks around taking his shirt off all the time it might work! say what you want about gadhafi, no really, you can say what you want, really, whatever you want. its fitting that today was the day that gadhafi got his comuppance. he was a terrible bully. today is of course, spirit day. a day against bullying of all types. people wore purple today in recognition. personally i am wearing a purple tie to support the cause and i am wearing purple briefs to support my junk. there are all kinds of bullies of course, evil dictator bullies, schoolyard bullies, internet bullies, wooly bullys...'

- tom lennon

- sarah paulson

10-19-11

+ 'when ever i see professional baseball players in action i am very impressed', craig ferguson shares, 'unfortunately though, i live in l.a. and we dont have a professional baseball team, just the dodgers. ha ha ha! am i right sports fans? no really, am i right? i dont know! i do like baseball though, theres something incredibly uplifting about baseball and i'm not just talking about the tight pants. there's an inherent optimism about baseball, its something that could have only come from america because even the best players dont get on base more than about three every ten times. if you can hit 40 percent of the time in baseball you are going in the hall of fame! and then later you get your head frozen and put in a box or something, i dont know what the system is. what i'm saying is that when the batter strikes out he goes back to the dugout and he gets ready for the next time and all the other players are like 'you get up there and get em next time'. and thats an optimism that makes baseball american! do you think a french guy would be like that? strike one! 'oh, i surrender...'.'

- carla gugino

> joe matarese

10-18-11

+ 'its a great day for the day of alaska', craig ferguson states, 'congratulations alaskonians... its alaska day today! its a big holiday up there, it was on this day in 1867 that the united states bought alaska from the russians. and in about six months from now we will sell it to china... by sheer coincidence, sarah palin's daughter bristol turns 21 today, so happy birthday, bristol! i hope she is careful, now that she's 21 she can drink, and drinking alcohol can sometimes lead to sleeping with people you shouldnt be sleeping with. nah, that would never happen! i'm going to do something very unusual for a late night douche bag, i'm going to defend sarah palin. just a little! a lot of people think that she said 'i can see russia from my house', but she never said that, that was a sketch from saturday night life, that was tina fey, for some reason people thought that it was true. you should never believe stuff you see on tv, trust me... for years i thought dr. phil was a real doctor! and i let him check my prostate!'

- carey mulligan

> paula poundstone

10-17-11

+ 'you know, the art world has gone crazy', craig ferguson shares, 'there's a new book out tomorrow about vincent van gogh. for more than 100 years everyone thought van gogh had committed suicide by shooting himself in the chest, but this book says it was murder! anyway, the book turns the conventional wisdom about van gogh on its ear. ha ha! see what i did! the authors of this new book, what they are saying, they really did their homework, they say that handguns were very rare in the south of france where van gogh lived. and they ask the fair question of who would give a handgun who was so insane he cut off his own ear? anyway, apparently van gogh cut off his own ear, wrapped it in newspaper, and sent it to his favorite prostitute. the authors believed that this is a strong indication that van gogh was the worst tipper ever! the book says that van gogh might have been accidentally shot by a local teenager. there's eye witness accounts that people saw them drinking together. unfortunately the eye witnesses were all french, and they were mimes!'

- matt smith

- joel schumacher

10-14-11

+ 'the big movie out today that i'm very excited about is a remake of footloose', craig ferguson states sarcastically, 'yeah, cause it was so fucking awesome the first time around! we're all familiar with the plot of footloose, of course. the elders of a small town ban dancing, then the youth rise up and kill them and clog dance on their heads! the original footloose starred kevin bacon, but kevin bacon refused a supporting role in the remake, he says the part wasnt fully fleshed out, and you want your bacon fleshed out, of course. i think kevin turned it down because he's getting older. when he does that dance with his loose foot, maybe today his foot might actually come off! you know, everytime i do that footloose dance it just looks like i've just got restless leg syndrome. they are really giving this film a big marketing push, its true, they are selling clothing inspired by the film. they've got high heeled red boots and nail polish, and dont worry, they've got something for the ladies too!

- liza minnelli

- adam pally

10-13-11

+ 'its a great day for america's little person sex pot kim kardashian', craig ferguson shares, 'she's tiny, she's portable, she's sexy! her tv wedding special had ten and a half million viewers. ten and a half million! to give you an idea how much that is, take the viewership of this show and add ten and a half million! i dont care though because i'm taller. to be fair, the ten and a half million viewers, most of them were family. but now kim and her husband can look forward to the pitter patter of tiny feet as ryan seacrest runs up to congratulate them! take that, you successful bastards!'

- kathy bates

- anthony head

10-12-11

+ 'all across the country, of course, the big news is the occupy wall street thing', craig ferguson states, 'the protests are still going on, they started off strong, and now they are huge! which just goes to show you, you give something tiny a little attention, a little love, and it will grow and it will grow... 'craig, are you using this culturally significant social movement to make a lame penis joke?' yes i am. its in my blood, its what i do! as far as i can tell though, the protesters are against government corruption, corporate corruption, and rich people. so i'm like 'alright, sounds good to me'. rich people are bastards, its true. rich people arent watching this, they've got cable! they are though, they put their names on buildings, they gobble up our national supply of caviar, they buy up tropical islands and hunt poor people for sport! they do! 'now i hunt the greatest game of all: man!'. last week the police were using pepper spray on protesters. thats frightening! what if they are spraying the protesters with condiments so the rich people can eat them! in new york the protesters are getting pretty rowdy. this morning they gathered together, they overturned donald trump's hair and set it on fire. i dont advocate criminal activity usually, but this time i'll make an exception.'

- jim parsons

= cake

geoff's new girlfriend

it seems that geoff peterson has found a new lady friend! earlier this week craig ferguson invited a young woman from the audience to come up and chat with him during the show intro: 'so, are you a dancer?' craig asks.

'i'm an actor' alex replies.

'just getting started? are you in any of the acting classes? when you are in the acting classes are there cute boys that you get to make out with and stuff?' craig questions.

'yup' alex responds.

'i went to them too. look, you know, its good that you are getting out and making friends. but you've got to be careful, there are a lot of ruthless rotten types in this town and if you are not careful you could wind up hosting a crappy late night talk show, and i worry about you. do you have an agent?' asks craig.

'no, i dont'

'well, thats good! wait a minute... did you just sit in lesbian row so you could get on the show?' craig wonders.

'sorta kinda'

'i see, so you are using this show to forward your career. you know, why not? good luck to you, i say.' as the show progressed, alex stood up by geoff peterson for the tweets and emails segment, and alex's mom even came and sat with craig during the closing segment of the show. the next night we find out that she and geoff must have hit it off because craig introduces her as geoff's new girlfriend! she seems to like 'em skinny, gay, and dead! good luck to the two of them!

*UPDATE* unfortunately for geoff, they broke up soon after alex's appearance. but, alex seemed to like being on craig's show so much that she applied for an internship at CBS! alex came to the show again and craig announced that fact on air! he also tried to hook alex up with bridger, the former intern who now works on the show as a production assistant. i'll keep you updated any any alex/bridger news!

10-11-11

+ 'not a great day in london', craig shares, 'you know why? big ben, you know, the big ben clock tower, london's famous landmark, the big ben clock tower, its in trouble. surveyors are saying that its leaning to one side and if nothing is done its going to topple over. now, the london skyline is dominated by that tower. just like paris has the eiffel tower, chicago has the sears tower, los angeles has smog and endless douche bags. but technically 'big ben' is the name of the bell inside the tower but a lot of people just call the whole building big ben, which is ok. there's more to that magnificent structure than that big dong. i know how it feels... anyway, the bell inside the tower isnt the original, it was replaced soon after the tower's construction. the original bell was declaired, and i quote, 'porous, unsound, and defective'. so they made it a member of the royal family. personally i dont mind if big ben is leaning, as long as its not a threat to pippa middleton, she's too precious! some people say the shifting of big ben is due to the construction of london's subway, but i think its obvious who's really responsible: lord voldemort! 'i cant believe you said his name!' 'shut up, ron!' how creepy is it that i know all that shit?'

- steven wright

- monica potter

10-10-11

+ 'it is a great day if you've got a beard', craig ferguson shares, 'but its always a great day if you've got a beard! the police have arrested two men who have been breaking into the houses of amish men and shaving off their beard! now, as you know, the amish reject most forms of technology. they are like old people, but on purpose. which is kind of a dumb thing to say because you dont become old by accident. anyway, the debeardings were committed by other members of the amish community. fox has already announced a new reality show called 'when amish attack'. the beard attacks have rocked the amish community. towns like intercourse, pennsylvania. all summer nobody could get through intercourse without hearing about it. in the town square conversations were going on all day because some people like to talk in the middle of intercourse. by the way, if you are in pennsylvania and you want to skip intercourse, why not travel on route 69. its the scenic route, you know, so make sure you take the time to stop and smell the roses... you know, it takes you all the way to jackson hole!'

+ betty white comes on to announce she is running for president with the slogan 'white power'. um, she might want to rethink that one...

- claire danes

10-07-11

+ at the top of the show we see craig ferguson standing with his buddy chris hardwick. 'you probably know why i called you here, chris hardwick.'

'i wish i did, for once' chris replies.

'well, heres the reason why: tonights first guest jason schwartzman was on the way in from new york city but apparently his plane was delayed. so for the purposes of this evening, and perhaps later on when we go for dinner, you will have to be jason schwartzman tonight.'

'oh, really?!'

'yes, this is your big acting opportunity, you get to show the world what a great actor you are.' craig states.

'oh', chris says trying to get into character, 'i am fantastic on 'bored to death'! i sure loved being in 'the royal tenenbaums', bill murray and i had fun traipsing around on 'rushmore'!'

'the thing is though, he might make it, so in which case if he does get here, you can hang out by the robot.'

'so uh, i'm your door prize? is that what i'm doing today?' chris questions

'is that the kind of acting you are going to do? because jason schwartzman is much better than that...' craig states.

'no no no, that was something he said on a thing once'

'really?' craig asks.

'no, i made that up.' chris admits.

'some times i wonder why we're friends, and then you kiss me and i remember...' turns out, jason does make it in time. so instead chris helps out with tweets and emails instead.

- jason schwartzman

- eliza coupe

10-06-11

+ 'listen, if you've tuned in tonight to hear me talk about the nobel prize', criag begins, 'you are out of luck. i've talked about the nobel prize all week, and i'm not going to talk about it tonight. i'm kidding, its day four of the nobel prize week- its the nobel prize for literature! literature is books, you know those things that you download and then ignore because you are playing angry birds! the nobel prize for literature went to the author who has enriched all our lives- i'm talking of course about snookie. to be fair, i havent read snookie's book, maybe she's a young poofy haired hemingway, she's already got the drinking part down, she's already on her way! no, the guy who won today was a swedish poet. now, if you know anything about me, you know i love swedish poetry. some people like crack, but for me its swedish poetry! when ever the crack pipe gets handed to my, i say no thanks. 'let that pipe move along' i always say! 'i'm sorry barman, nothing in your entire establishment interests me, do you have any swedish poetry?' 'i'm sorry i cant look at your breasts, attractive stranger, unless they are covered in swedish poetry!'.'

- evangeline lilly

* dan riskin

win the big cash prize!

at the end of each interview craig ferguson always likes to offer a choice for the guests. it started off with an awkward pause, then expanded to include the option of playing the mouth organ (and a chance to win the golden mouth organ!). there have been a some other options that never seemed to pan out, like 'touch my glittery ball'. but now there is a new one: win the big cash prize! if a guest chooses this option, they can win fifty dollars, all in singles, by answering one question correctly. the question always starts the same way: 'iceland is a country in the north atlantic. its capitol is reykjavik...' and then craig asks the question. what do iceland and reykjavik have to do with the question? nothing at all! but it sure does mix up the guests! questions have ranged from topics such as blinking, the french language, and regis philbin's height. fortunately, the guests can ask for a little help and craig will whisper the right answer to them, but not all the guests take advantage of it. usually the guests dont even believe the money is real! to which craig replies 'it is fifty 1 dollar bills, accepted at all strip clubs in these united states!'

10-05-11

+ 'its day three of nobel prize week', craig ferguson exclaims, 'today is the nobel prize for chemistry! i love nobel prize week, i love the build up to friday when all the winners get a shot at the showcase showdown! thats how they do it, one lucky contestant will win a trip to hawaii and a hug from skinny drew carey. i've hugged drew carey when he was fat and now i've hugged him now that he's skinny. i preferred fat, i've got to be honest. anyway, the nobel prize for chemistry was won today by an isreali scientist, daniel sheckman, for his work on quasi crystals. they are like regular crystals, but not as meth-y. actually, they are not not like regular crystals at all! quasi crystals are different from other crystals because their molecular pattern never ever repeats themselves. just like us here, we never ever repeat ourselves. isnt that right, picture of paul mccartney? the guy who won the nobel prize has an awesome story, its a very good story. he was working on this stuff but had to quit from the research group because the people he was working with on the quasi crystals they thought that this was absurd. so he had to leave and now he has achieved great success on his own. in layman's terms, its like if the research group was destiny's child and he was beyonce!'

- joel mchale

+ michael caine in space

= elizabeth cook

10-04-11

+ 'there's big news in the geeky world', craig ferguson shares, 'its nobel prize week! i know what you are thinking, i know your thinking 'craig, are you going to do a whole week of nobel prize monologues like you did last year?' and to these people i say 'youve been watching this show way too much, and that will learn you for not paying your cable bill!'.' (if you are nerdy enough to actually remember craig's monologues from last year, you can relive them here, here, and here!) 'plus, its already tuesday and i didnt even mention the nobel prize yesterday, so ha ha. today was the nobel prize for physics! now, do you know who won? thats right, you guessed it, mike and molly's melissa maccarthy! it really is her year! no, she didnt win the nobel prize for physics. i'm kind of obsessed with physics, i have one of those little toys where you pull out one ball and it smashes against the other one and they keep going back and forth. i have one with me at all times! whats it called again? oh yes, its my scrotum.'

- jessica lange

* jacques steinberg

10-03-11

+ 'do you know what is happening?' craig ferguson asked, 'its the third week of the 'occupy wall street' protests in new york and today the protests shut down an entire manhattan street. and then the cops asked michael moore to move. i know what you are thinking 'wait a minute craig, he lost some weight' yeah, but he put it back on again. and thats just when duche bags like me swoop! you get no congratulations for losing the weight, and then we just wait like vultures... anyway, the protests on wall street is actually a pretty diverse group of people. you've got liberals and conservatives, libertarians and socialists, team edward and team jacob. everybody is there! now some people have criticized the protesters for a lack of focus and they might have a point. today the crowd was chanting 'what do we want?' 'we're not sure' 'when do we want it?' 'well, depends...'.'

+ we also learned that michelle obama really loves to watch the show. or maybe not.

- lily tomlin

- ion gruffudd

9-30-11

+ 'the real news this week', craig ferguson states, 'scientists are in the news! 'who are they?' eh, just guys. scientists think they have discovered particles they think go faster than light. i know what you are thinking 'oh come on, not another late night guy banging on about particle physics, leno did this last week!' anyway, this discovery took place at the world famous cern laboratory in switzerland. now scientists made this discovery inside a device known as a 'super collider'. a super collider is different than a regular collider because it wears tights and a cape. i dont know if something can go faster than the speed of light, but this research team said they have tripple checked the data, and swiss scientists have a reputation for being thorough. remember, the swiss scientists created the swiss army knife. the speed of light is, of course, is 186,000 miles per second. its hard to visualize it, so an easier way to think about it is to think of the entire universe is like a mile of highway, then light is traveling at the speed of mel gibson after three margaritas! if this discovery holds it is amazing, if there is actually something that goes faster than the speed of light- this changes everything! for a start, it means that einstein's theory of relativity is wrong. of course albert einstein is no longer with us, but if he were alive today he would be saying 'my god, the detroit lions are 3-0? this cannot be!' i know! for most of the last century the basis of all high level physics has been einstein's theory of relativity: e=mc2. which is like the nerd equivalent of witnessing a naked lesbian pillow fight- this is a big deal!

- seth rogan

- judy greer

9-29-11

+ 'its a big day for me', craig ferguson shares, 'as you can probably tell. its national coffee day, i've had a lot of- a lot of coffee today. it is, its national coffee day so hazaah for watery stimulants. i freely admit that i am addicted to coffee. if i dont have coffee i am a cranky miserable bastard. after i've had a cup of coffee i am a speedy cranky miserable bastard. i used to get my coffee every day at the same place, the starbucks up on melrose. i stopped because they wouldnt let people use the bathroom. i said 'wha?!?' i wanted to use the bathroom one day, i'm a human. they said 'no, we dont let you, its locked'. coffee is a diuretic! what the hell is this?!? they said 'well, we cant open the bathroom because prostitutes were conducting their business inside the bathroom'. i'm like 'what? do you want them conducting their business outside the bathroom?!?' well why not, we are already getting screwed by the 10 dollar cup of coffee, so why not? i stopped going in protest to them, and i got my daily coffee somewhere else. i taught them a lesson by going to the starbucks next door. anyway, starbucks logo of course is a mermaid with no clothes on- its very racy! you can see the nipples and the genitals and everything! i mean, you have to draw them on... id rather see the mermaid on the cup than those inspirational quotes. remember they used to put the inspirational quote on the cup? oh piss off! 'an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind' yeah, whatever ghandi! put some pants on! the worst was when they had quotes from regular customers. if i wanted to read inane drivel i would follow a kardashian on twitter!'

- carson kressley

- michelle monaghan

9-28-11

+'its still not a great day here at CBS', craig ferguson admits, 'everyone here is still a little bit sad and we are still reeling from yesterdays news about andy rooney retiring.  when i first heard about this i thought 'here we go, another sexting scandal!'  turns out he's leaving '60 minutes' to pursue his true calling: mixed martial arts.  i'm really kind of sad about andy being gone.  larry king retired, then regis retired, and now andy rooney retiring.  i'm one of the last grumpy old dudes on tv!  sunday will be andy rooney's final appearance on 60 minutes.  after that his eyebrows will be shipped to the smithsonian where they will delight tourists and children for generations to come.  'in olden days, kids, these things roamed the prairies in great herds, the whole country was dark with them-  then the white man came.'  there's big news around here anyway, cbs is throwing a 'going away' dinner for andy at three o'clock in the afternoon!  they want me to dress like a stripper and pop out of the cake but i wont do it!  lets just say that you dont want to be covered in icing when morley saffer is around... he's got a sweet tooth and quick hands!  andy rooney started working at cbs back in 1949!  now tv was a lot different back then, for one thing you had to watch shows actually on television- not on your phone, on television!  and there was no remote so you actually had to walk all the way up there and change the channel.  the good news is you only had to do it twice and thats everything.  'three whole channels and there's still nothing to watch in tv!'  but back then there were no reality shows, no late night talk shows, no kardashian shows.  in other words, it was the golden age!  channels were different back then too, there was the history channel back then, but it was just simply called 'now'.'
- rashida jones
* jonathan ames

9-27-11

+ 'its not a great day in brazil', craig ferguson shares, 'you know brazil? the south american country famous for the nuts and the waxing, and the waxing nuts.  right now in northeast brazil they might have to shut down the breaches because of piranhas!  yikes!  you dont want to get in the water with one of those!  i feel the same about larry king.  i never go in the hot tub with larry king, although he does make his own bubbles.  they smell like brisket.  over the weekend 100 people in brazil were attacked by piranhas!  to give you an idea of just how aggressive these piranhas have become, the people that were attacked were in their hotels!  you know, the piranha fish are always popular in the bond movies as well.  the villain always says 'please excuse the bubbliness of my jacuzzi mr. bond, its just my deadly piranhas.  why dont you take a bath, mr. bond! ha ha!'.'
- mary lynn rajskub
* jackie collins
= trombone shorty

9-26-11

+ 'good news from the world of food', criag ferguson states, 'there's a new show premiering on another network. its a food show and its called 'the chew'. its like 'the view' because they both have 'eww' in it! now in a lot of cities, 'the chew' is replacing the canceled soap opera 'all my children'. or is it?!? duh dum! if this show does well it will inspire other food themed tv shows on network tv. 'c.s. pie', 'desperate house pies', 'how pie met your mother', 'american pie-dle'. yeah, their all kind of crap, huh? the food shows are all the rage, though. they made some chefs famous, there are no more plain old chefs anymore, now they are all iron chefs and celebrity chefs. its like porn stars, they are all porn 'stars' now, there's no porn actors anymore, they are all 'stars'. what ever happened to the plain old porn actor, the regular working stiff, what happened to him? here in l.a. you can tell when a celebrity chef made my meal because you can taste the botox in it. to be honest, i dont want to know who made my food, i like the whole thing to be anonymous. i look at the menu, i make my order, someone cleans the table and i leave a tip- just like sex! thats the way i like it!'
- jonah hill
= chris young

craig on nerdist!

chris hardwick has been on 'the late late show with craig ferguson' many times.  chris is a nerd and lover of all things nerdy (check out his website for proof!), every time he comes on to criag's show they always end up talking about dr. who and the like.  well, it seems that the bbc has taken notice of chris' obsession because he recently got a show on the bbc america channel called 'the nerdist'.  the show is basically a talk show where chris and his two friends chat about anything that comes to their minds.  it is exactly like the nerdist podcasts (which, by the way, if you havent been listening to those, you better start catching up- they are hilarious!) where  the three of them just basically nerd out about anything and everything.  chris must have wanted to repay the favor because his first guest on the show was our very own craig ferguson!  the two of them talk about everything including the nerdist graphic, craig's recent visit to france, girlfriend advice, and craig's 'muppet' show!  and even, with all that dr. who talk, guess who shows up? matt smith!  craig, chris, and matt have a hilarious interview together!  its obvious that those involved are having a blast i sure hope they make some more of these!

9-23-11

+ 'a lot of big movies opening today', craig ferguson shares, 'my friend gerry's movie 'machine gun preacher' is opening today, you know, prayer and bullets- thats what you want! also the movie 'moneyball' which i thought i would love moneyball because this movie clearly combines two great passions in my life, and then i realized it was about baseball and i'm like meh. then i found out its about the math behind baseball- bleh! and then i found out brad pitt's in it and i though 'well...' there's other movies out too, there's 'abduction' with taylor lautner, and then there's another movie out called 'dolphin tale' which is about dolphins. i'm not sure which i like more, a movie with taylor lautner or a movie about dolphins? a movie about a glistening creature i dream about swimming with, or a movie about dolphins?'
- gerard butler
- kat dennings

9-22-11

+ 'earlier tonight there was the premier of the new charlie's angels', craig ferguson shares, 'its a new version of the old 70's show, which i think is a good idea. i think they should do more, do more shows from the 70's. what about hawaii five-0, i think that would be a good idea. wait, thats on cbs isnt it? i aught to pay more attention to the cbs schedule. do we still have 'dr. quinn, medicine woman'? anyway, today is a special day for charlie's angels, not only is the new show premiering, but it was 35 years ago today that the original show premiered! i remember it like it was yesterday. i was 14 years old, doing things that a 14 year old boy does: masturbating, huffing paint... sometimes at the same time! still to this day i can only get aroused when i smell eggshell white. i'm fine with the new version of charlie's angels, i think its perfectly acceptable to recycle old crap from tv... i do it every night! anyway, the new charlie's angels have a few changes from the original, i think the new ones are sexy vampires or something. anyways, these ladies know how to kick ass. they are like the desperate housewives with guns and less botox. less botox for now- wait till season three!'
- chris hardwick stops in to help out with the tweets and emails.
- billy gardell

9-21-11

+ 'you see the x-factor earlier tonight?' craig ferguson asks, 'its the x-factor, the new singing competition show with simon cowell and paula abdul.  who says theres no original ideas in television?  i havent seen it, but i've got it on the tivo so down tell me what paula abdul says.  seriously, dont tell me because i woulnt be able to understand it.  now the expression 'the x factor' refers to the unexplainable quality that makes someone special. the french would call it, for example, 'gene se qua'.  the germans call it 'der poopin sphincter'.  x factor the show is basically the karioke version of singing a popular song in front of judges.  its completely different from american idol because...  people thought american idol wouldnt survive without simon cowell, but it seems to be doing ok without him.  not everyone is a fan of the x-factor show.  this is true: elton john said that he would rather have his penis bitten off by a german shepherd than watch the x-factor.  i'm not making that up, he actually said that! and i'm thinking 'elton, you dont have to choose one or the other, you can do both!'  i've got a german shepherd that will do it and a jack russell that will nibble your balls at the same time!'
- james spader
- juno temple

9-20-11

+ 'its a big day in new york city', craig ferguson shares, 'its a big day because its the first day of the new session of the united nations.  now, for diplomats this is like the first day of school.  all the big countries pick on the little countries, australia stuffs new zealand into a locker and stuff.  'get into there you little kiwi bastard!'  'how can you tell i'm a kiwi, our accent is so similar!'  tomorrow at the u.n. though, the president of brazil will be the first woman in history to give the key note address.  to mark the occasion, every world leader gets a free brazilian wax!  too bad gaddafi isnt still in power, he could use one!  you know muammar gaddafi today he broadcast an audio message saying that he's still in power, he's just going underground, its just a temporary setback.  i'm like 'yeah sure', just like my local blockbuster video is 'temporarily' closing its doors.  they are not coming back, dont bother returning your video!  president obama addresses the general assembly tomorrow, he's expected to urge the delegates to fight global warming, reduce poverty, and find out what the hell is happening over at netflix.  your welcome five guys who know what the fuck i'm talking about...'

- harry connick jr.

- kathryn hahn

beatles tweet

criag ferguson finally introduces a new email and twitter jingle- this one is in the style of 60's pop, borrowing heavily from the beatles look and sound. its in black and white and features craig as all four of the moptoped musicians! the big haired singer on guitar, a backup singer on the bass, a pipe smoking keyboardist, and the drummer with a massive handle bar mustache- all played by craig!

after the song craig comments 'i look forward to your tweets and emails that say 'no one in the beatles smoked a pipe!' thats right because it wasnt the beatles was it?!?'