+ 'the big story today, of course, is that its national talk like a pirate day', craig ferguson informs, 'that is an actual day, its every year on the nineteenth of septemb-arrr. talk like a pirate day, its a real day, it was invented ten years ago by two guys in oregon. which proves my theory: everyone in oregon is stoned all the time! i dont know the real names of the two guys who started it, but they say their pirate names are ol' chum bucket and captain slappy. which is weird because ol' chum bucket and captain slappy are what i call my genitals! i dont know how to chose your pirate name, i dont know how you come up with them. i think its like porn names, what you do for a pirate name is you take the name of the last person you had sex with and the name of the place you had sex. so, my pirate name would be 'hand truck stop bathroom'. historians cant answer the most pressing question i have about pirates: why wasn't there one in the village people?'
- sophia bush
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