4-22-09

+ 'today is 'administrative professionals day'', craig ferguson reminds us, 'it used to be called secretaries day, but they changed it to be more p.c., its like when thanksgiving used to be called 'cook my dinner, bitch!' day, but now its not. its also jack nicholson's birthday, he turns 72- happy b-day jack! and, to top it all, its earth day! now, planet earth and jack nicholson are very different, of course, one is a big round object ravaged by years of abuse and we're running out of time to save it, and the other one is earth!'
+ the rather late programme with prince charles
- bob barker
- jean smart

4-21-09

+ 'newspapers are facing competition from these 24 hour news channels', craig observes, 'but they don't have anything on these, 24 hours of news, they say its a 24 hour news channel, and there's like 3-4 minutes of actual news, and the rest is just someone talking bullshit. it is! i heard once, i dont remember what it was, but i heard once them say 'would you care to speculate on the assumptions made here?' speculate on the assumptions?!? theres terrible! thats what i do here, thats not news! they also give their shows deceptive names, i watched 'hardball' the other night- it was not what i expected, i was sorely disappointed.'
+ michael caine's animal kingdom
- rob morrow
# jean-michel cousteau

4-20-09

+ 'big weekend at the box office', craig mentions, 'the number one movie was '17 again' with zac efron. now i haven't seen it, but that won't stop me from talking about it cause i'm a guy on tv. anyway, the story is about a middle aged guy who becomes 17. i dont know how, i think he gets bitten by a radio active teenager or something. it sounds dumb, but i understand the appeal of being 17. when you're 17 years old its all in front of you, when you're my age, 46, well, a lot of its behind you. by 70 its all, well, hanging under you...'craig shares that over the weekend his son milo won the sport stacking world championship in his age group!+ michael caine in spain
- simon cowell
= erin mccarley

4-17-09

+ its email time! one email asks 'does the rattlesnake museum in albuquerque new mexico know how much business you're throwing their way?' craig responds 'oh yes, i do like to talk about the rattlesnake museum in albuquerque new mexico cause i've been there, its a rattlesnake museum. they have rattle snakes from the beginning of time all the way up to present day rattle snakes. its a fantastic place even if you dont like rattle snakes. go, because it's just... if you're thinking 'where should i go on vacation this year?', go to the rattle snake museum in albuquerque new mexico, you'll fill and entire morning! and in thee afternoon get some turquoise! anyway, i don't know if they know, i dont know if they care, but take that people who spend millions of dollars to advertise on CBS!'
- jessica lange
- tom lennon

4-16-09

+ the governor of texas has been talking about secession lately, and craig is not happy about that: 'i'm sorry, i have to tell you, i don't like the secessionists. it not just one side at fault though, both sides of the political fence get huffy when things don't go their way. when right wingers are mad at washinton they say 'we're going to split from the union!', and the left wingers say 'we're going to move to canada! i'm getting in the prius and i'm out of here!'
+ michael caine's animal kingdom
# madeleine albright
- amy smart

4-15-09

+ 'let me just say on this tax day,' craig ferguson insists, some people hate the IRS, but i think thats wrong. i would like to just say, right now, that the IRS agents are the most awesome people in the world!' sucking up a little bit, craig? 'no, they are! they are actually, these people are impressive, these IRS people, because it's the one part of the government beurocrocy that is actually efficient! they know how much you made, how much you owe uncle sam, and they'll stop at nothing to get it! i mean, if osama bin laden had made illegal deductions, his ass would be in jail right now!'
- michael caine
> matt baetz, a former employee of the late late show!

4-14-09

+ 'it's a great day for the people of cuba,' craig ferguson announces, 'the obama administration announced that we are easing economic sanctions against cuba, so congratulations cuba. but this could mean the end, of course, for the castro brothers. fidel and raul. they are oppressive dictators. fidel castro has an artificial anus- no, he does! really, its true! apparently the artificial anus is sold under the product name 'i cant believe its not butt.'
+ fake interview with joe biden
- adam goldberg
- anna gunn
= brett dennen

4-13-09

+ during the introduction for the show craig ferguson has his new dog 'cabbage' with him.
+ 'obama just got a dog and the press is already calling it the first pooch. they should just call him the first pain in the ass, cause that's what it's like having a puppy in the house. i know cause i've got one right now! i got a new dog now, its a french bulldog. it's like that dog in 'men in black' with a wrinkled up face. his name is cabbage. the reason i have it is because it used to belong to a guy named jonathan morano, one of our writers. he found a puppy didn't fit in with his 'bachelor lifestyle'. and also, he's trying to destroy me. he got talking to my wife about the dog, she liked the dog, and now i find myself living with the dog.
+ elevator confessions
- dwight yoakam
- mary mccormack, she gave him the fancy rattle snake mug

rattle snake mug

just like all late night talk show hosts, craig ferguson has always had a mug at his table. its always been a 'late late show' mug, but recently one of his guests, mary mccormack, brought him a new mug! when ever the conversation on the show goes on things like the desert, snakes, or anywhere in the southwest of the country, craig loves to ask a guest if they have ever been to the rattlesnake museum in albuquerque new mexico. well, mary mccormack was there and got him this rattle snake mug as a gift for him- craig was overjoyed! he was so excited about the new mug that he immediately threw his old mug to the floor, swearing to use this new rattlesnake mug from now on! he has, and continues to use it since then, often showing it off to new guests each night. it has been the topic of much conversation on his show.
unfortunately i have yet to find a place online to buy one of these crazy mugs, if you find a spot, please leave a link in the comments section!

*update* i just ordered one for myself from house of tasso and it is amazing!  check out my pictures of it here.  you can also go here to find out how to order a rattlesnake mug for yourself, or you can click on the ad over there on the right! ------>

4-03-09

+ it's email time! craig ferguson reads an email sent in from a reader: 'here's one from robert in nashville tennessee. obligatory 'yee ha!'. robert says 'hello craig, my wife says...' oh, your wife? oh, listen to you, mr. swanky because i'm in a relationship! 'my wife says that your emails are actually written by your screenwriters'!' craig laughs! 'they're not even here! they leave after the first bit, then boom- their off drinking! 'email written by your writers, is that true?' no. 'does this make me one of your writers?' yes. 'why havent i been paid?' because you are one of my writers!'
+ elevator confessions
- dwight yoakam
- mary mccormack

puppets!

for the past several months craig has been including puppets in his preshow two minute introduction. usually he just uses them to talk to the people and welcome them to stay tuned, but sometimes he has more elaborate set ups that use them. some of the best have included craig lipsynching songs like 'oops i did it again', and 'istanbul (not constantinople)' where the puppets are his back up singers. these bits are always funny!

elevator confessions

meant to be in the style of HBO's 'taxicab confessional', it uses a secret camera style in an elevator where craig is the elevator operator. it usually involves craig's character making a lewd comment to one of the women in the elevator, and often has one of the guys in the elevator wanting him to take them up on the offer. this bit is funny in small doses.

4-02-09

+ as craig ferguson introduces the night's show, steven wright is pushing britney murphy on a swing in the background. quite strange...
+ 'tonight is the last episode of a television institution: 'er'. i remember the first time i saw 'er' i was a bit disappointed cause i had heard it was created by the same guy who wrote 'jurassic park'. hello, i thought, dinosaur doctors! this will be awesome! i wanted to see a t. rex operate with his tiny hands 'im not ready to play god today! clear!'
+ 'rock of love' skit
- britney murphy. wow, she is a complete mess, huh?
- christopher gorham

michael caine in spain

another in a long line of sketches mostly designed to allow craig to play michael caine. he is now in spain, as apposed to space, due to a spelling error, or so the announcer tells us. now, dressed up in a matador suit, michael caine continues to share about different life stories, usually involving how he 'shagged a bird'.

4-01-09

+ 'it's april fools day everybody! hurray!' craig ferguson cries, 'i'm kidding. i hate april fools. i hate it with all the stupid pranks, i hat it and i refuse to participate! i am the scrooge of april fools day. 'oh, tiny tim, we brought you a prosthetic leg- i'm kidding! go on, hobble off! ha ha ha!' i will say this: i think people who do play pranks do it to cover up the fact that they don't have a sense of humor. there. i said it. pranks are passive aggressive and vicious. unless they are done by me, in which case they are hilarious!'
+ fake craig interview bono, as played by the real craig.
- jennifer tilly
= heidi newfield

3-31-09

+ steven wright introduces the night's episode and shows up again to help craig ferguson answer the emails.

+ 'barack and michelle obama will meet with the queen on their european trip. the british press is going crazy right now asking 'what will michelle obama wear?' i don't understand this, this thing all about the first lady's clothing. its always 'what will she wear?'- i dont understand what do her clothes have to do with anything? i think its a pre-feminism 1950's construct. 'never mind the problems of the world, ladies, why not be distracted by fashion!' its sexist. if hillary clinton had become president would we be writing 'oh bill's wearing a suit, thats daring!'

+ reno 911 guys on final four security measures

- isabella rossellini

- linda cardellini

3-30-09

+ 'you ever watch pole vaulting?', craig ferguson asks, 'it's actually kind of great, its a great sport. but its not the kind of sport you grow up with, you don't watch the pole vaulting with your buddies. its not like theres 'monday night pole vaulting'! there was a pole vaulter running through paris naked recently. the sport isn't usually done naked, which is ironic cause it was started by the ancient greeks and they did everything naked! they pole vaulted naked, wrote greek mythologies naked, they invented democracy naked. 'all in favor, raise your hand- i said your hand, aristotle!' 'i'm sorry, im just so excited about democracy!'
+ tim meadows reports from the final four games
- william shatner
- regina king

3-25-09

+ 'waffles make everyone happy', craig reminds us, 'you know what i think they should do? they should open up a waffle restaurant in iraq- it would stablize the entire region! it would! and you could call it 'waffle-ujah'. people love waffles so much. they would try some and be like 'i love this so much i have given up the idea of jihad!'
- jerry o'connell
# patrick badraha and tucker albreezy, restaurant critics
= ra ra riot

3-24-09

+ mirian ross, the mother from 'happy days', introduces the night's episode.

+ 'bernie maydoff is a sociopath', craig ferguson exclaims, 'he's the hannibal lector of white collar crime. it's not the same as blue collar crime, it's worse! maydoff stole from the rich and give to the rich! its the opposite of robin hood, who stole from the rich and gave to the poor. people wrote songs about robin hood! they wont be writing songs about bernie maydoff.' craig then goes ahead and makes a song 'oh, bernie maydoff, you stole from the rich, now you're going to wear lipstick and be a prison bitch, hurrah!'

+ michael caine in spain

- virginia madson

- jason ritter

= chicago

3-23-09

+ mimi, from craig ferguson's old 'drew carrey show' days, shows up to introduce the night's episode.
+ during an 'interview' with governer swartzenegger, craig ferguson is compelled to make a fake psa: 'hi kids, its uncle craig here. dont go and pee in the ocean, thats where fish live. also, don't pee on hobos, they smell bad enough already. CBS cares!'
- paul rudd
> george wallace

3-18-09

+ craig ferguson shares some ideas about hangovers and their cures: 'a hangover is basically just extreme dehydration over the years poeple have come up with different remedies- eat a raw egg, or water with baking soda, cowboys had this hangover remedy, this is true, i was looking it up today on the googlything, hangover remedies. cowboys, what they used to do is make tea from rabbit poop. it doesn't make you feel any better, but after you drink it, you've got a lot bigger problems than having a hangover!'
- steven wright
- rashida jones

3-17-09

+ its st. patrick's day! craig ferguson explains 'today of course, you're allowed to pinch someone if they are not wearing green. but be careful, i tried that once and CBS made me watch the sexual harassment video. now, i will admit when i did it it wasn't st. patrick's day, and i was nude. but still, cant andy rooney take a joke?'
- julia louis-dreyfus
= dropkick murphys

3-16-09

+ 'NASA say they might have found life on mars', craig ferguson claims, 'no, this is true, i read about it today, they didn't find martians, but what they found, using a special detecting machine, was methane gas. 'aha! thats not a life form', you're thinking, well shut up smarty pants and i'll tell you why i think it, because what produces methane gas? farts! exactly! so this means there could be an alien, you know alien microbes perhaps, uunder the surface, farting methane gas! and they are going to have to admit it because there's no dogs on mars, so they can't blame it on them. i'm surprised, but surprised they found the farty stuff on mars, i would have thought they'd find it on uranus!'
+ michael caine in spain
- regis philbin
= the upper crust

3-13-09

+ 'as if things weren't bad enough,' craig ferguson shares, 'take a look at this headline: 'famed pastor predicts imminent catastrophe' the end of the world apparently is coming- again. the founding pastor of the times square church in new york is predicting the end of the world. you got to figure, now look, this is a lose/lose proposition if you are a pastor, cause either way the world ends, or he's talking crap. either way its not good! i think the theological term for this is 'painting yourself into a corner'. people have been predicting the end of the world for thousands of years and it's always 'the world will end next tuesday!' then tuesday comes and everyone goes 'mmhmm'. 'what i meant was the following tuesday...' it comes and everyone goes 'mmhmm'. if you really want to get ahead as a doomsday sayer is say 'next tuesday the world will NOT end!' the next tuesday if it does end, who cares, and if it doesn't end everyone will be like 'it didn't end! he said it! he said it! he's been right the last four weeks- he's a prophet!'.'
- christina ricci
> mike birbiglia

3-12-09

+ 'do i look grumpy to you tonight?' craig ferguson asks, ' probably because its a full moon. is it a full moon tonight, or was that last night? i dont know, lets look out the window and see...' craig goes to the background image of the skyline, 'oh, i forgot, its a child's drawing of a town. sorry for being cranky, i'm sort of like a bad tempered werewolf. that's probably where the legends of werewolves come from, you know, when there's a full moon, i get cranky. if you will, its my time of the month. hey, if you can get a chance to get angry once a month so can i! you want equality? you got it- here it is! thats right! ...i look forward to your emails.'
+ the rather late programme with prince charles
- jim parsons
= sara bareilles

3-11-09

+ egypt is on craig ferguson's mind tonight, 'heres an interesting fact about egypt: they were stoned all the time! yes, thats true! cause their bread had sand in it, and after years of eating sandy bread they had tremendous dental pain. sandy bread, by the way, is the name i used to write romantic novels under... because they ate the sandy bread they looked like british people in drag! with eye makeup, it was like monty python! to ease the pain they drank a lot of beer and got stoned off the new wonder drug from the east: opium! is it any wonder im fascinated by these guys? they were stoned, drunk, working in construction, and were wearing eye makeup- it was my life in the 1980's!'
+ craig has a pretend meeting with CBS executive
- tim daly
- kara cooney, egyptologist

3-10-09

+ craig ferguson ponders the problems with child stars. 'michael jackson was a child star, and being a child star usually screws you up for later life, i mean thats what i think is the problem, and i'm sorry, you can't blame the kids. i blame the parents when they're always like 'i'm not pushing them into acting and show biz, my kid wants to act!' i'm like 'my kid wants to eat cookies all the time, what's your point?' my six year old wants to drive the car! you can say 'no' and love your children! and children, when you hear 'no', sometimes its a word of love!'
- rosario dawson
- gordon ramsay

3-09-09

+ 'i'm very excited', shares craig ferguson, 'cause tonight was the premier of dancing with the stars!' craig shows off a few of his moves and dances a bit, 'sorry, i've been using performance enhancing drugs. didn't they just have the season premier of dancing with the stars a month ago? anyway, this time they've got steve-o from 'jackass', belinda carlyle from the go-gos, and denise richards from, i don't know, crazy bitch city or something. what does she do again? they asked me to be on dancing with the stars you know, they did! i couldn't do it, they couldn't find a star to pair me up with.'
- jason segel
> dave attell

3-06-09

+ 'the big movie opening today, the big blockbuster of 2009:' craig ferguson declares, 'its watchmen! i'm very excited. although i dont know what its about. i think its about a guy who was bitten by a radioactive watch... and then he turns into a superhero that has one big hand and one little hand! look out evildoers!'
+ betty white: girl scouts representative!
- amy adams
= m. ward
> nick griffin

3-05-09

+ craig talks all about snakes. 'you know what? it doesn't seem right to me that snakes made it onto the ark, but unicorns didn't- i mean come on! the unicorns didnt make it, neither did the chocolate moose, or the corndog! luckily, science brought them back to life! thank you petro-chemical food stuffs!'
- holly hunter
> andrew bird, who is quite funny

3-04-09

+ with desmond tutu visiting the show, craig ferguson shares about his plight: 'south africa has a fascinating history which i will try to sum up for you quickly so you don't get the feeling im giving you 'information'- all the stuff you don't come to the show for. basically south africa, as i understand it, is like this: things were going fine for the people living there until the dutch showed up in about the 17th century and they started colonizing. by the way, 'colonizing' is an old fashioned word which means 'stealing stuff from countries that don't belong to you'. anyway, the dutch colonies of south africa suffered a horrendous catastrophe that made a bad situation even worse: the catastrophe known as the british arriving. the british, what they did was sail down to south africa and saw a land rich in diamonds and gold and said: 'i say, this place is splendid, i love it here, all we have to do is kill all the dutch people'. which basically lead to the first bore war, that leads to the second bore war called 'bore war 2: the legend of curly's gold'. yackity yack, stuff happened, world war 1, world war 2... 1948, i think, the national party takes over south africa, institutes apartheid, a great idea... by the 80's south africa was a racist hellzone.

nelson mandela was sentenced to life in a south african prison, so desmond tutu traveled all over the world making the argument that doing business with a racist south africa regime was immoral. there were a few holdouts, people who apposed sanctions against south africa, like margaret thatcher, darth vader, and goldfinger. what happened is that bishop tutu succeeded in getting dozens of nations to enact tough sanctions that hit the apartheid regime right in the trousers, in the end apartheid crumbled, mandela was released from prison, and was elected as president. mandela even invited the man who tried to have him executed to his election ceremony. that's got to be awkward! thats like inviting your ex wife to your wedding. 'so, hows things since you had me killed? chicken or fish?'

- archbishop desmond tutu

3-03-09

+ craig ferguson informs us that 'today the l.a. county board supervisors have declared the first week of march, and i'm not kidding you, 'no swearing week'. no swearing in l.a. and christian bale just left town- coincidence? i'm not going to swear here on television, here at CBS we can't say more than carlin's seven words, i'm not kidding, i cannot say the name of certain animals! like for instance a semi aquatic rodent. i cant tell you what it is. i don't understand what the problem is, it's just a cute wet soft ball of fur... you know the whole concept of the swear word is strange to me, you create words that are naughty to say, and then you don't let yourself say them- it's pointless! what the hell is that?!?'
- kristin davis
* wolfgang puck

intro other shows

this was the first night that jimmy fallon started his new show, so cbs tried to counter his audience by having his rival, craig ferguson, host the night with introductions to each of cbs's primetime shows. he appeared with paris hilton, his guest that night on the show.

he introduced the big bang theory, two and a half men, and how i met your mother. each time acting as if he were in his dressing room at cbs, just hanging out with paris hilton.

'you really live here, craig?' asks paris. 'its all i can afford on my cbs salary' responds craig. paris replies 'but it's old, it's dirty, and it smells like a hobo.' 'remind you of anyone?' quibs craig.

'i've never been someplace that didn't have a line outside of it' states paris. 'yeah, it's great, isn't it?' asks craig. 'i thought you said there would be other people here' paris questions. 'nope. just you , me, and the puppets' craig replies. 'your very creepy' states paris. 'thank you!' responds craig.

3-02-09

+ 'two big pieces of news from iran,' craig tells us, 'cause i always get the news from iran... ithe first is that the CIA believes they will turn on their secret nuclear reactor any day now, and the second is they are demanding an apology from hollywood. are these things related? i hope not, actually. yesterday the arts and cinema advisor to the iranian president, akmood ma-dinner-jacket, has demanded an apology. he pointed out the movies he didn't like: '300', and 'the wrestler'. he said they were offensive because they portrayed iranians in a negative light. what?!? i dont understand what's offensive about '300'. in that movie the persians (iranians), are sexually ambiguous oiled up party boys with abs of steel. i'd pay money to be portrayed like that! hollywood doesnt apologize for anything ever. like i've seen dozens of crap movies in my life, and no ones apologizing to me! but then again, i don't have nuclear weapons. oh, wait, neither does iran...'
+infomercial: brick johnson, greatest hits album 'hard times'
- paris hilton
* dee dee myers

2-20-09

+ 'its friday, of course, a great day for hollywood!' craig ferguson cheers, 'it's the countdown to the oscars. in less than 48 hours from now the academy of motion pictures arts and sciences will bestow its highest honor on a movie you've never seen!' the crowd laughs, 'oh, thats right, you've seen them all, you lying bastards! sunday is the 81st oscars, some people call it the gay super bowl. it kind of is, its the gayer bowl.'
+ dave foley stops by as a representative for the banks
- rosie o'donnell
= the knux

2-19-09

+ 'a swiss bank is giving out information on accounts to the CIA.' craig ferguson shares, 'quite surprising that the swiss are finally letting down their veil of secrecy, switzerland is famous for being discreet, in any war the swiss are always neutral 'oh, a massive war is ravishing europe, oh, we'll take everyone's money. oh, we'll make sure its safe, it'll be right here when you get finished killing each other...' see when other countries get ready to fight, switzerland offers to hold their jackets, then when everyone is fighting they take the wallets from the jackets...'
+ steven wright stops by to help with emails
- paula abdul
- carl edwards, nascar driver

2-18-09

+ 'welcome to show 830', craig informs us, 'a very special show for us, 830. wow, it seems like only yesterday we were doing show 829...' in celebration of this special event, craig took a special fire safty course so that he could light a sparkler on stage! then he messes it all up by putting the sparkler in the mouth of a dinosaur hand puppet- he actually gets in a ton of trouble for breaking the fire code!
'kate moss, the supermodel, says she just started wearing a bra. she said she didn't get boobs until she was 35, i was like wow! thats exactly the same age i grew mine!'

+ craig's valentines day spectacular!

- wynonna

- peter bart

2-17-09

+ 'i'm seeing these things about obama,' craig ferguson shares, 'i read an article last week saying 'is obama's presidency already a failure?' im like 'huh?' how long has he been doing it? i mean the guy was worshiped like a messiah two months ago, he takes office, and now they turn on him. what i think has happened to obama is this: it's kinda like george w bush was in the restroom before him, walked out and went away, obama walked in, and he's found something aweful and it wont go away. he's like 'i cant be here', so he walks out of the room, just in time to meet an attractive woman who's about to go in. he's like 'that wasnt me in there' and she's like 'oh yeah, sure it wasnt you...'
- bill maher
- chris klein

2-16-09

+ craig ferguson gives tips for sucess: 'i'll be like tony robbins! telling people to be forceful by moving your arms when you talk- be winner! i think when you move your arms on purpose like that when you talk you look like someone in an old timey movie trying to be italian 'what's a come and a go!' 'its a tootsie fruitsy ice cream!' body language that works for tony robbins doesnt necessarily work for anyone else cause he's a giant. and i don't mean a legend, i mean an actual giant! he lives on a magic beanstalk, he gets angry if you try to steal his singing harp. i sat by him at a restaurant once and he's huge! he was eating pigs in a blanket, but they were actual pigs in a blankets! i'm sorry its a grizzly picture, someone should tell you!'
- david boreanaz
- philip johnson
= zach brown band

2-13-09

+ 'friday the 13th' opens up today, its a very scary movie. right now the scariest thing at the movies is the price of admission! hey hey! i just turned into andy rooney right there: 'don't you hate that?' that's right, i blame all my bad jokes on andy rooney. anyway, the movie is about a guy who goes around terrorizing young women. the clinical name for someone like that is chris brown. its a movie about a guy who wears a hockey mask. i'm surprised really, that the nhl are ok with hockey being associated with violence, you would think that they wouldn't like that...'
+ michael caine in spain
- tom selleck
= glen campbell

2-12-09

+'Today is, of course, abraham lincoln's birthday', craig ferguson informs us. 'happy b-day abe! to honor this occasion the u.s. mint is releasing a new penny that shows abraham lincoln's house, which is appropriate cause thats how much a house is worth these days...''its a bad day for the satalite radio. you know, the serius xm radio, they are filing for bankruptcy- it's terrible, cause i love satalite radio. if youve never heard satellite radio, you usually get in in the rental cars, but i have one in my home. because i live in a rental car. the guy who's renting it doesn't seem to mind, and im quite happy there, we get along.'
+ steven wright stops by during emails
- lewis black
- shirley manson

2-11-09

+ 'hey, you know what's quite exciting?' craig asks, 'in egypt this week archaeologists dug up a three thousand year old tomb that was packed full of mummies- not just one, it was packed! that's fantastic! in the future, when they dig up LA, all they will find is silicone implants! they'll say 'people of ancient times came with airbags i see...'

+ access extratainment tonight

- steve coogan

- connie britton