the scottish king redesign

we figured it was about time for a little spring cleaning here on the scottish king blog, so we've spruced it up a bit with a redesign.  we still have all the same great features: episode summaries, sketches, email jingles, and links to your favorite guests from the late late show with craig ferguson, and more!  a common question we get around here is 'where can i get a cool rattlesnake mug like craig's?'  well, just click the link on the right and you will be magically taken away to a really great retailer who sells them- thanks to the power of the interweb!
remember, if you have any comments, questions, or suggestions for the scottish king blog, feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments section.  enjoy!


+ 'some days i come out here', craig ferguson explains, 'and say 'today is a day i've been looking forward to all year' but i dont really mean it, but today i really mean it.  i love this day, its arbor day, everybody! i love arbor day, i spent all day planting my seeds, and then i left the house.  yes, i planted my seed, i dropped a log in the forest, i grew some wood, i played with my acorns.  there, i'm done, right?  on arbor day we are all called to plant and care for trees because trees are our friends.  'i think that i shall never see a poem as lovely as a tree'.  thats from 'trees' by joyce kilmer, who wrote that in 1914.'
- robin wright
> myq kaplin

a view from the back

'i've been feeling weird all day', craig ferguson admits, 'and then when i came in here i noticed that there were cameras following me around...  did you know there is a camera up there?' craig asks as he points to the ceiling in the back of the set.  they then show the set from the angle of that camera.  ooh, thats a new one!  we've seen a few different shots and angles from the show over the past few months that havent been done before.  its fun every once in a while to notice the little changes and additions they make to the show on a technical level as well.  why would they do that particular angle of the set?  who knows, but it is interesting!


+ 'its a great day if you are in texas', craig ferguson informs, 'all five living presidents are gathered for a ribbon cutting ceremony at george w bush's presidential library.  technically its known as 'the bush center'.  thats how they got president clinton to go!  lets see, other late night jokes... justin bieber!  the police in stockholm found drugs and a stun gun on his tour bus.  i'm like 'bieber, you naughty girl!'  the swedish police want to know three things: who bought the drugs?  where did you get the stun gun?  and why did you ditch your monkey?  he left his monkey in germany.  maybe monkey's like germany, maybe the monkey was like 'things arent working out, i'm out of here biebs!'.'
- zac efron
* anna quindlen

tiny set with drew carey

'open the curtain, i'll show you what's back there', craig says as the curtain on the right side of the stage opens to reveal a tiny talk show host desk, and a guest chair with a puppet sized drew carey! 'when did that get there?  is that a tiny little drew carey?!?  did i know that was there?  no.  can i ask why is that there?' craig asks the producer michael, 'you dont know.  good producing, well done.  what the hell is going on?!?  why have we got a tiny little drew carey back there?  are the muppets doing a talk show when we're not here?  you know whats weird, i shouldn't tell you this, that is the actual size of drew carey.  why is that there? there is no reason for this, i have no idea why its there, i swear i have no idea about this.  is someone hosting a tiny little show back there?  like, so dave is on the big talk show, i'm on the much smaller talk show, and then there's a tiny little talk show back behind the curtain!'  craig then tells secretariat to walk around the tiny stage to show the crazy perspective.  really strange, really funny!


+ 'you know who its a great day for in america today?' craig ferguson asks, 'gwyneth paltrow.  what?  yes, but isnt it always a great day to be gwyneth?  she just walks around in a toga singing 'i'm gwyneth, i'm gwyneth paltrow! everything's wonderful for me!'  she was named people magazine's most beautiful woman. i dont mean to be caddy about this, but i'm a little surprised, i thought this was bieber's year!'
- rainn wilson
- karen gillan


+ 'today is the day i look forward to all year', craig ferguson shares, 'today is william shakespeare's birthday. he would have been 449 years old today.  or as cbs calls it: our demographic!  you know who else's birthday it is? george lopez.  one is a genius who's timeless observations on the human condition could bring tears to the eyes, and the other is shakespeare.  now, william shakespeare's birthday is clearly a cause for celebration.  in honor of is birthday i will now do the monologue this evening in elizabethan english:  me thinks it is a great day for the new world... yeah, that's all, i'm not doing more after that.  see, speaking elizabethan english is like hosting a talk show, it seems like a good idea, then after about five seconds you realize you don't want to at all.'
- kevin bacon
- rebecca hall


+ 'its not such a great day for america's sweetheart reese witherspoon', craig ferguson states, 'reese, i'm disappointed!  she was arrested on saturday in georgia for heckling a police officer who pulled over her husband.  she was, in fact, legally bombed.  i love reese, even in her mug shot she looks good.  apparently though she was out of control, she was yelling at the officer 'do you have any idea who i am?'  i yell the same thing at the audience here every night 'do you have any idea who i am?'  and they respond 'no, we're just scared of the warm up comedian'.'
- kat denning
* philip kerr


+ 'a big movie opening today, i'm very excited, is one of those science fictions', craig ferguson states, 'its called oblivion, tom cruise is in it.  i have to say, it looks pretty cool.  tom cruise is an intergalactic soldier who spends his day fighting aliens.  i have no idea what he does in the movie, but tom cruise is an intergalactic soldier who spends his days fighting aliens...  i think this movie is going to be a return to form for tom cruise because he hasn't been in a big budget fantasy project since... his marriage!'
- harrison ford
- ariel tweto


+ 'i know what you are thinking', craig ferguson exclaims, 'you are thinking 'craig, whats the latest from hollywood?'  well, i'll tell you!  last night in hollywood jennifer aniston was seen at a movie premier and she had red cupping marks on her back!  it seems jennifer aniston is into the latest hollywood craze, which is cupping.  its an actual thing, cupping.  its an ancient form of medicine.  you put cups on your skin and you heat it up and it creates suction.  cupping therapy is supposed to be very healing, a lot of celebrities do it.  people love it because its from somewhere else and its been around for a long time.  'its been around for thousands of years so it must be very good'.  its practically illegal to get old here, so why in hollywood are old people shunned, but old ideas are embraced?  it is because we are shallow douche bags.  the cupping actually, they did in ancient egypt.  they did a lot of stuff that we do today in ancient egypt.  they used to wear eye make up and take drugs.  they did, you know in ancient egypt they would wear eye make up, thats for the sand.  they put the eye make up on to protect them from the wind blown sand, and they took opium because of pain.  they used to eat this bread and the sand from the desert went in it and it would wear their teeth down.  so they would take opium and they had bad teeth and make up on.  it was like me in the 80's!'
- ginnifer goodwin
* salman rushdie


+ 'today is daffy duck's birthday!'  criag ferguson states, 'he is 76 years old today!  i was reading about daffy duck today, cause i knew i needed to talk about something, and i found out that his middle name is armando.  i did not know that, i did not know that we was spanish!  which makes him the forbidden duck!  he's actually spanish, he doesnt have a lisp, he's just speaking castillian spanish.  you know, a few years ago warner brothers tried to reboot the looney tunes characters, make them all cool, and all 'myspace' or whatever the hell they were doing.  they changed daffy duck's name to danger duck.  that happens though, when  executives get on things, they try and change it all up.  we had a similar thing here a couple years ago when cbs wanted me to dye my hair.  i'm like 'no way, i'm not bowing down to you and being a slave to your corporate agenda!'  which reminds me, its time for the commercials...'
- melissa rauch
- brad goreski


+ 'tax day is done!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'i'm done, i've payed it.  i always feel a bit better once i've paid my taxes.  i don't like to do it, but i feel it is my duty, kind of like hosting this show.  taxes are very complicated though, the u.s. tax code is seven million words!  all the different regulations- its almost as difficult to follow as a fucking episode of 'game of thrones'!  if you didn't get your taxes done on time, the IRS may charge you a penalty  and the last thing i want is to be penalized.  you've got to be careful, pay your taxes!  that's how the feds finally nailed al capone.  its amazing that after all the stuff he did they got him on simple tax evasion.  he should have know that you cant write on your tax form 'that thing with that guy'.'
- selma blair
nathan fielder


+ 'good evening, tonights show will be a little different', craig begins.  in the wake of the tragedy in boston, craig starts the show seated from his desk.  'obviously, the news of the today is so horrendous that it would seem insensitive at best to say 'its a great day for america' so i wont be starting the show with that tonight.  is anyone else sick of this shit?  i seem to have to say that too often, i have to not say its a great day for america, because of some random act of madness or terrorism.  anyway, the trouble is, of course, by the time you get to this show, you know, twelve thirty in your region or whatever.  by the time you get to this show, the media has been pouring over the events of the day, there has been constant analysis, speculation of the assumptions and stuff.  i'm not going to to do that, people say to me 'craig, your job is to make people laugh at the end of the day.'  and i think yes, thats true, but i've never professed to be any damn good at that, and the thing is, people want their minds taken off it.  and i think, ok, if you want your mind taken off it, watch a cartoon or a video or something.  i understand it, its perfectly acceptable, i dont think its a terrible thing to not want to think about it.  but i cant not think about it.  the deal i made with you when i started this show is that i will be as honest as i can be.  so i have to be honest, we will do the best show we can do, we will have some laughs, we'll do what we do to a degree, but this is on my mind.  i cant pretend its not there.  i'm not one of those people, i'm not a valuable quality entertainer.  and also, i have a personal connection with the city of boston.  i have family there, and when i became an american citizen in 2008, i spoke at phanial hall on july 4th at the invitation of tommy menino, who is the mayor of boston.  i've been there on the 4th of july many times, every cop in boston looks like i'm his brother!  my first stand up special in america i shot it in boston.  i'm used to and i love that town.  i'm applauded by this thing, when i watch it on these streets that i know, you watch the media go over and over this thing and its horrifying.  people say 'oh, you cant let the terrorists win'.  they're not fucking winning, its just there.  i know people say we dont know if its a terrorist.  yes we do, yes we do.  who ever did that thing wasnt doing it for any other reason, clearly they failed in achieving the number of dead or carnage that they were trying to get.  this wasnt some brave commando who broke in to a military instillation and put a mine on the side of a battleship and then snuck out fearing for his own life.  this was some fucking shithead that went into a public place and left something there that he knew was going to blow up.  thats not a soldier, thats a terrorist.  if i have all this inside of me, if i have all this rage and anger and distress inside of me, i'm not that good of a comedian to hide that from you.  i cant hide it from you, its there.  we will have our guests out tonight and i'll ask them about their lives!  i dont know how its going to be, luckily we have some great guests, so we have a shot.  they are cleaver and experienced men, so i think we will be alright.'
- rob lowe
* larry king


+ 'i'll tell you why its a great weekend for fans of the rock and roll music', craig ferguson insists, 'its the coachella music festival!  its held every year in the california desert, a whole weekend of peace, love, and ten dollar bottles of water.  you know, the coachella festival is only a few hours away from l.a., lots of celebrities go.  danny devito and david hasselhoff have been there almost every year, which makes sense.  its hard for devito to see, so hasselhoff lets him sit on his shoulders, and after the concert is over, the two of them forage for hamburgers on the ground.  i went to coachella last year, i liked the music, but i didnt like being in the desert.  i kept bumping in to one of those prickly things covered in needles.  what are those called?  thats right, courtney love...'
- jason biggs
- keke palmer


+ 'its a great day for donald trump', criag ferguson states, 'here comes a donald trump joke, that means its a late night talk show right there, a late night staple.  he's going to be a grandfather, donald trump.  congratulations, trump.  its true, hes going to be a grandfather, that thing on his head is pregnant!  no its not, his daughter is pregnant i think.  the thing on his head lays eggs.'
- carl reiner
- anna chlumsky


+ 'it is a great day if you are a late night talk show host', craig ferguson states, 'which technically i am.  technically.  anyway, its a great day because former congressman anthony wiener is returning to politics!  listen, if you had to do this crap every day you would love it when you hear a wiener is running!  thats what we live for!  wiener running again? that takes balls!  then you can say things like 'i guess you cant keep a good wiener down!'  if you dont know, anthony wiener is the guy who texted his pictures, you know, he texted pictures of his junk.  when is that ever a great idea?  no matter how well you know the person you are sending it to, how drunk do you have to be?  now he says he might run for the mayor of new york city.  he's a democrat, but from what i've seen, sometimes he leans to the right...'
- julia louis-dreyfus
- myq kaplan
= he's my brother she's my sister


+ 'i'm very tense about this crisis in asia', craig ferguson admits, 'right now the north koreans are about to test  a new weapons system.  as we all know, north korea is ruled by kim jung un.  for those of you who dont know, over the weekend the premier of china told kim jung un to chill out.  now, when the premier of china tells you to chill out, you know things are pretty bad.  thats like mel gibson saying 'whoa, chill out on the tequila!',  thats like charlie sheen saying 'thats enough hookers!'  yesterday japan were giving warnings too, they said that if north korea tests new weapons, japan will have no choice but to set up their own missile defense system- an adorable system with 'hello kitty' pictures on them!'
- drew carey
- jane levy


+ 'its a fantastic day for college basketball', craig ferguson states, 'what a game that was... congratulations, winners.  we are live so of course i watched every...  you know, people say to me, they say 'craig, put some clothes on!' then they say to me 'craig, are you saying your show is not live?  because other late night shows are live!'  and i'm like, no they are not live.  'but...' no, they are not live. and even if they were, which they are not, we are not like other late night shows.  'why craig?  how can you say that? you are a guy, you walk out, you are wearing a suit, you are like other late night shows!'  no, number 1: i dont give a fuck.  wait wait, i know what you are thinking: 'craig, its just part of your shtick'.  no, its not part of a shtick  i really dont give  a fuck!  its not that i dont like everyone here, they are perfectly nice people, cbs are a lovely corporation in every way, but i dont give a fuck.  and thats important.  remember that kids, never give a fuck!  well, the buddists say that desire is suffering, thats the first truth of buddism, desire is suffering.  so if you dont give a fuck, you are in clover, right?'  {editors note: this sounds like craig is mad when written, but when he did his monologue it was all lighthearted and in jest, just so ya know!}
- max greenfield
- debbie reynolds


+ 'apple has a patent out on a new phone that they say will not break', craig ferguson shares, 'which is fantastic, now i will stop duct taping the phone to a cat!  meow! i do not tape my phone to a cat, please put the email down.  'you are so cruel!'  i dont even have a cat!  its a joke cat, it is the cat of my imagination.  its a bit like that parrot in the monty python thing, its not dead, its pining for the fjords!'
don rickles
- radha mitchell


+ who just so happens to be in the audience for tonight's taping? why, scott adsit from 30 rock!  craig invites him up for the opening big and has a bit of fun with him.
+ 'it is an important birthday today', criag ferguson shares, 'it is the birthday, everyone is very excited around here, i know cbs is going crazy, there's a lot of events planned for this week because it is the birthday of american poet robert frost.  i love the idea of cbs' primetime 'robert frost week'!  hawaii 5-0 robert frost! nci dont know any of his poems!  robert frost got his own stamp in 1973.  it costed 10 cents.  it usually costs me more than twice that to lick an elderly person!  robert frost won four pulitzer prizes in his lifetime.  thats amazing!  if i had won four pulitzer prizes, or even one, i would wear them around my neck and i'd be like michael phelps in the club!  no, robert frost was probably much more dignified that that.  he had a fascinating life, he said that a poem begins as a lump in the throat.  look, i may not understand the whole idea of metaphors and allegories, but if your poem starts as a lump in the throat, maybe you should see a doctor!  now, i have mixed feelings about poetry.  i've said this before and i'll say it again, done well, poetry is fantastic, but not many people are capable of doing poetry well.  i think you should have some sort of official certification in order to perform or write poetry.  we could call it some sort of poetic licence  if you will. basically, i think poetry is like sex, its brief, confusing, and best left to professionals.'
- sarah chalke
* lawrence block


+ 'its a great day for italy', craig ferguson informs, 'the city of venice was founded on this day in the year 421.  so happy birthday venice, and if i may say in my best italian, 'whas a come and a go!'  you know who else has a birthday today?  sir elton john!  hes 66 years old.  venice and elton john are very different of course, one is an old crumbling landmark that italian sailors have been riding over for years...  its very lucky to have a birthday today because its also vaffel dagen today!  its the day i wait for all year!  vaffel dagen, thats swedish for 'waffel day'.  every year, march 25th, the people of sweden get out of their volvos, they turn off the abba cds, and they start making waffles!  its a big tradition over there.  as far as i am concerned, there are two people in this world: those who love waffles, and al quida.  vaffel dagen is one of my favorite days of the year, its right up there with pancakesgiving, and cinco de pie-o,  ham-oween.  some people prefer pancakes to waffles.  like some guys are ass men and others are breast men.  you know what i say?  it doesnt matter if you are in to waffles or pancakes, or asses or breasts, they are all better if they are covered in maple syrup!'
- morgan freeman
- vera farmiga


+ 'you know why i'm excited?' craig ferguson asks, 'its because its the first day of spring!  the first day of spring is known as the vernal equinox, which means that the amount of day and night are equal, split right down the middle.  or as fox news would call it 'solar communism!'  equinox is something that only happens once a year, kind of like good ratings on nbc!  vernal is, of course, the latin word for spring.  spring sounds light and cheery, vernal sounds nasty, it sounds like a disease!  the vernal equinox occurred this morning at 6:02 am.  if you were awake for it and you're still awake for this show, then you are probably running a bit low on meth!  a lot of myths about the equinox have been debunked, you cannot balance an egg on its side, water does not flow backwards, kim kardashian will not appear bigger than khloe.'
- aaron eckhart
= kellie pickler


+ 'did you watch the show 'bates motel'?' craig ferguson asks, 'it premiered on a&e.  wow!  it was the most watched drama on a&e, the channel that brought you hoarders and duck dynasty.  these are big shows!  i'm going to pitch them a show about someone who hoards ducks.  its me.  i've got one in my pants right now...  bates motel, its a spin off from the movie psycho.  i hope this doesnt mean we are going to get other cheap knock offs like 'stabbing with the stars', 'how i met your murderer', 'so you think you can put the lotion in the basket?', 'downton stabby'.  psycho was the movie that changed the way i look at roadside motels.  after that movie i swore id find somewhere else to take my truck stop prostitutes.  you know the guy who plays norman bates in the new version is freddie highmore.  hes a good actor, freddie highmore, hes great in this, but nobody could possibly top anthony perkins as norman bates.  anthony perkins was truly the master bates...'
- michelle monaghan
* john green


+ 'it is a great day for science', craig ferguson shares, 'researchers in australia- they have researchers in australia?  wow!  well, they have cloned a frog.  now, not just any frog, this frog was extinct!  its a special type of frog that gives birth through its mouth!  this frog that they brought back, had been extinct, its been gone since the 80's, so its first question back was 'who shot jr?'  or 'wheres the beef?', 'did anyone solve the rubic's cube?', 'is charles still in charge?', 'o.j. did what?!?'.  anyway, all i'm saying is i dont see the point in cloning a frog unless its one of those frogs you can get high from licking- you know, a licky frog!  in which case, mass produce those things!  actually, i hope its not one of those frogs, because when you are tripping, the last thing you want to see is a little from coming out of a bigger frog!'
- seth green
- jenna-louise coleman


+ 'it is, of course, not only friday, and the day after pi day, it is also march 15th: the ides of march!' craig ferguson informs, 'its the ides of march, you know that saying 'beware the ides of march'? it means today you have to be extra careful to avoid disaster.  although, if you are watching this show, you clearly did not heed the warnings.  the romans used to celebrate the ides of march with a giant military parade, people throwing flowers, live music, huge crowds.  it was like a parade in west hollywood, but with fewer gladiators...  anyway, julius caeser was assassinated on the ides of march.  he was stabbed in the back by someone he thought was a friend.  it was like he worked in show business!  historians say julius caesar brought ruin upon himself, he illegally seized power from the roman senate, then he proclaimed himself ruler for life, and worst of all, he decided to put anchovies in salad dressing.  the senate was like 'you've gone to far!'.'
- megan mullally
- alison brie


+ 'it is, of course, pi day today!' craig ferguson informs, 'happy pie day, everybody!  now, i'm not talking tasty pie, although i do enjoy a tasty pie!  sweet or savory   i like a fruit pie myself.  its march the 14th, as in 3 1 4.  its the day we celebrate the mathematical constant we call pi.  this is the day i wait for all year, i love this today.  i wanted to recite the number as far as i could go for the whole hour, but cbs told me 'no, you have to provide entertainment!'  i said 'really?  you don't have a problem any other night, why tonight?'.'
- monica potter
# jim rome


+ 'perhaps its a great day for the entire world', craig ferguson states, 'i dont know if you can smell that, i put out some pope- ouri!  i'm sure you've heard, the pope pickin' is over.  the white smoke came out of the vatican chimney, and as the old saying goes, 'if the church is a smokin', here comes the popein'!' there were one hundred thousand people packed into st. peter's square waiting for news of the pope.  it was a spectacular sight, it was like popeapalooza!  between that and monday night's bachelor finale, my eyes havent been dry all week!  anyway, the new pope, frances the first.  frances wasnt his first choice, but the church wisely talked him out of pope boo boo.  what do we know about pope frances? hes 76 years old, he's a former arch bishop, like long walks on the beach, giant hats, and the music of coldplay.  i'll tell you this: if he's 76 he probably watches cbs!  welcome your holiness!'
- olivia wilde
- windell middlebrooks


+ 'its a great day for the residents of new york city', craig ferguson shares, 'the superior court judge struck down the proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces.  in manhattan they are very excited about this, they were yelling and screaming, there was a spontaneous parade down broadway, then they heard about the judges ruling.  everyone is very excited.  the ban on giant sodas was proposed by mayor michael bloomburg.  he is a billionaire fitness night who believes everyone should be as healthy as him.  i think he should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education.  clearly new york needs a better education system if the kids cant figure out that you can get around the 16 ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12 ounce sodas!  i'm thinking you cant do this, you cant enforce a ban like this on large sodas.  how is the government going to enforce that?  its not like obama has a secret fleet of robot air crafts circling watching everything people do with tiny little cameras...  'are you having a large soda down there?!?'  dont get me wrong, i'm not saying soda is good for you, unless they advertise on cbs, then they are nature's perfect food, but personally i drink a lot of diet soda.  i like my sugar the same way i like my boobies: artificial, over-sized, and bought with a coupon!'
- minnie driver
- ben schwartz


+ 'the conclave of cardinals are about to begin voting on the new pope', craig ferguson shares, 'the new pope will pope up at any moment.  i've just heard that the new winner will be announced live on tv by michelle obama and tom bergeron!  the winner of the election gets to be pope, and the runner up gets to date taylor swift.  its a joke, he's a cardinal, he cant date swift, whats wrong with you!  the cardinals arrive at the vatican today and i spent all day watching joan rivers on the conclave red carpet- 'who are you wearing?'  'the same as everyone else...'.'
- george hamilton
- jessica lucas


+ 'i'm very excited cause there's a big movie out today', craig ferguson exclaims, 'oz the great and powerful.  its a prequel to the wizard of oz.  a little risky, isnt it?  that movie is an american icon, that movie.  a prequel? thats like the french making a prequel to the statue of liberty.  i hope this movie isnt some sort of hipster version of wizard of oz, i'd be very upset.  you know, the tin man is brought to the recycling center, the scarecrow is exchanged for a sparkly vampire that cares about your feelings, dorothy wears ruby crocs and does the harlem shake or something.  by the way, if i know about the harlem shake, that means its over!  let that be a barometer, young people who enjoy trendy things, the minute the fifty year old white guy knows about it, it is no longer relevant to you!  anyway, this prequel to wizard of oz will be fine, it will be fine, it could be great.  george lucas made prequels to the star wars movies and that turned out great, right?'
- chi mcbride
- laurie holden