tonight's episode is totally devoted to emails! craig ferguson starts a new christmas tradition and welcomes all kinds of guests to come and answer emails with him. at one point he tries to pawn off geoff peterson to johnny galecki, getting double gifts with jason segel for being half jewish, half gentile, and just the usual goofiness with his ol' skeleton robot sidekick.
- kyra sedgwick
= frankie ballard
- jason lee
- felicity jones
= black dub
- robin wright
- parker young he's pretty funny!
+ 'did you see that sherlock holmes movie over the weekend?' craig ferguson asks, 'it was fantastic i have heard. i've heard its the best movie ever, i'm looking forward to seeing it. i've never talked about this before, but i was actually up for a part in sherlock holmes. not the movie, in the dinner theater production at the west alameda community theater. i was this close to getting it! damn you, eric estrada! sherlock holmes has been around for a while, of course, the original books came out in the 1800's. did you know that in the original sherlock holmes he never actually said 'elementary, my dear watson'. he didnt. he did say 'oh please, senior ding-a-ling!' robert downey jr. plays sherlock holmes in the new movies. he's much sexier than the sherlock holmes i remember growing up. he used to be played by basil wrathbone. to me, thats what sherlock holmes is supposed to look like. old timey sherlock holmes always smoked a pipe. in fact, in the original sherlock holmes novels he didnt just smoke a pipe, he was also a cocaine addict! thats true! why would you cast robert downey jr. as... oh, nevermind... i like robert downey jr a lot, i like him. he's been through a lot and i like that he's open about his troubles. but i'll tell you this: you cannot solve crimes when you are on cocaine. my own research has proved that you cant... you can, however, commit crimes!'
- regis philbin
= goo goo dolls
- regis philbin
= goo goo dolls
+ 'today is the day i've been looking forward to all year', craig ferguson admits, 'a big movie opens today. some people wait for the twilight movies, some look forward to the girl with the dragon tattoo. but for me? its alvin and the chipmunks! looks like the chipmunks go on a cruise. i dont know if its a gay cruise, but you can make your own joke about storing nuts for the winter, though. i miss the disney chipmunks chip and dale. times are tough on chip and dale, they are male strippers now, shaking their asses at disney land, giving lap dances to goofy!'
- mindy kaling
> nick griffin
- mindy kaling
> nick griffin
- sean hayes
* john hodgman
- kenneth branagh
- patton oswalt
- ben kingsley
- morena baccarin
- dj qualls
-> cat cora
wow, that was fast! i ordered myself a couple rattlesnake mugs, just like the ones used by craig ferguson and geoff peterson on 'the late late show with craig ferguson', and boy are they cool! i put in the order on saturday, and they were waiting on my doorstep monday afternoon when i got home- now thats quick! anyway, they both arrived safely, no scratches or broken parts, and they even came with a little note from the woman who sent them from house of tasso!
this thing is pretty awesome- just like the one craig has!
the only difference between this one and craigs? this one doesnt have a tooth chipped off! thanks to house of tasso's fantastic shipping and packaging!
this thing will really start some conversations, thats for sure! i figured since its a rattle snake, it belongs among the foliage, right?
*update* i got the mug that geoff peterson has too! check it out here!
*update* i got the mug that geoff peterson has too! check it out here!
+ 'the big movie opening this weekend that i'm very excited about is 'new year's eve'', craig ferguson states, 'a very important film that asks some very important questions: what is the meaning of life? does the world around us truly exist? why are we here? ha ha ha! its not about any of that, its about celebrities hooking up and all that crap! anyway, the movie has a huge cast in it, including moamar kadafi and kim jung il! a libyan zombie and an angry lesbian have to share an apartment- can they get along? you that movie and you will find out! new years eve is made by the same people who made the hit movie valentines day. wait a minute, reusing a successful formula instead of coming up with something original? thats not the hollyoood i know! the movie is set in time square, the producers say its a love letter to new york city. no one sends letters anymore, its more like a penis tweet to new york city. by the way, penis tweet was the name of my favorite cockatoo...'
+ 'theres something that happened in california yesterday that was really quite frightening', craig ferguson states, 'a cannonball smashed into a house where two people were sleeping, came out the other side of the house, bounced across four lanes of traffic, hit a roof on another house and then crashed through the window of a minivan. it was like a cartoon! police were only able to stop the cannonball by running ahead of it and painting a railway tunnel on the side of a cliff! i know what you are thinking: 'who could be of set off a cannon? who would be so irresponsible to set off a cannon?' hoodlums! the mythbusters did it! its my favorite show on television, except for anything on cbs, of course... the mythbusters were conducting an experiment, they wanted to demonstrate what a cannonball can do. so they got a cannonball, i don't know where you get one. they went to the mall and go to 'cannonballs and things', and then they fired it out of a cannon. what could possibly go wrong with that? remember the first rule of building your own cannon: don't build your own cannon!'
+ 'scientists say they have found a planet that's earth's twin', craig ferguson shares, 'it has ideal conditions for life, the temperature is 71 degrees, it has four seasons, the only difference is that its twice as large as earth. so scientists say that if there are people then they would be double the size of humans because of the gravity and size and stuff. it would be like a whole planet of kloe kardashians!'
+ 'today is a very important day for historians and drunks!' craig ferguson states, 'its repeal day. this is the anniversary of the glorious day when prohibition was repealed in 1933. now, some of you might not remember repeal day. i say 'some of you' because we do have some viewers who are younger than 80. prohibition was a dark time, alcohol was illegal and peppermint lattes werent invented yet. how did people make it through the day? i'll tell you: crystal meth! thats what they used, but back then it was called spunky dust! 'hey shopkeeper, got any spunky dust?' 'yeah, i'm just cooking up a fresh batch in the rear!' 'look out ivan, here comes johnny yankee with the spunky dust!' alcohol was illegal in this country from 1919 to 1933. 14 years! not a single person in 14 years sang karaoke! people back then thought prohibition would never end, and then just like herman cain, it was gone. i think prohibition was a wonderful idea because boom- just like that, they stop doing it! thats why i hope they never ban scrapbooking. 'hey g-man, if you want me to stop scrapbooking you will have to take the glue from my cold dead hand!' you know, what happened when they repealed prohibition, it turned the economy around. the government got huge tax revenues. they had been spending money keeping it down and now they made it legal and all this money was pouring in! it got us out of the great depression. if only there was something we could legalize and tax now that would help us out of this recession. if only!'
+ 'earlier tonight 'america's most wanted' came back', craig ferguson shares, 'i'm very excited about that. its on the lifetime channel now. it is! it used to be on fox but now its on lifetime. america's most wanted can get kind of grizzly sometimes, its only the second most grizzly thing on lifetime now. did you see the dresses on project runway last year? almost made me want to watch sports! almost... its funny to me that america's most wanted is on lifetime now, every week they are going to be searching for 'a man who wants to listen and then snuggle'. america's most wanted used to be on fox but then it was cancelled because the fox executives realized that the show was helping people! fox shows are usually just large cartoon characters who are big asses just making fools of themselves, like homer simpson, the family guy, or simon cowell... personally i like shows that do good things for people, i like it when tv gives me a warm feeling. thats why i always watch tv with my testicles on it!'
+ 'its a crazy day here in los angeles', craig ferguson shares, 'the city of angels has been attacked by mother nature's most brutal servant: a moderate wind. no, actually the winds have been very strong. it was windy last night in hollywood. how windy was it? it was so windy that arnold schwarzenegger was blown off his maid! it was so windy hugh hefner didnt need pills to get it up! it was so windy a shirt accidentally blew on matthew machonahoney! the wind blew so hard it was accidentally mistaken for the dodgers! the storm has died down though, but i am still taking precautions. i've got extra glue on my toupee. the best part of the windy days in l.a. is that you save money on face lifts! thousands of people lost power during the wind storm, a few parts are still in the dark. be careful, if you see a downed power line dont pick it up. no matter how tempting it is to pick it up and touch it to your genitals, dont do it! i learned that the hard way- the awesome hard way... my power went out for a little while last night and i thought to myself 'this is when i wish my house was powered by a wind turbine'. but then i look down at my team of little people on their treadmills and i thought 'no, its more cost effective and they are adorable!' i should get them clothes though. anyway, i woke up today and realized that the wind had blown a bunch of trash into my pool. and by 'trash', i mean a couple of spare kardashians and steven segal.'
i finally decided to get one for myself! seeing that snake mug on craig ferguson's desk every night on 'the late late show with craig ferguson' was finally too much for me and i put in an order for one of my own! i decided to get the mug that craig uses as well as the one on geoff peterson's podium, so i'm going to be in for twice the snake fun! i found it online at house of tasso. i even got to talk to the woman who runs that site, she's really nice by the way! hope they come soon...
the geoff peterson replacement, chloe banderas (voiced by tom lennon) is back!+ 'today of course is cyber monday, the biggest online shopping day of the year', craig shares, 'i enjoy the online shopping. my favorite part of online shopping is the convenience. my second favorite is typing with my penis! i learned on a typewriter though, so i thump really hard. cyber monday is like black friday, but its a little less stampedey. lets face it, online shopping is simple, you just point and click, its like shooting stray cats. i'm kidding, i'm kidding, i dont do that. anyway, theres some things you can get on black friday that you cant get on cyber monday, like getting pepper sprayed in the face! if you are online and you want to get pepper sprayed, you have to do it yourself- i did it twice already today! look, i just want to tell you, i dont shoot cats. you know this is true about that pepper stray, in l.a. on black friday a woman pepper sprayed some walmart shoppers who tried to cut in line. the police acted very fast and immediately hired her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the united states!'
after a long wait, wilford brimley finally comes to 'the late late show with craig ferguson'! a while ago criag's wife thought she spotted wilford brimley at a local grocery store in hollywood. craig mentioned it on the show that week, and ever since then he and geoff peterson have become quite obsessed with wilford! determined to investigate further, craig booked wilford on the show as a guest! well, he finally stopped by and chatted with our favorite late night host about whether it was him or not (spoiler: it was not). it sure did make for a funny/awkward segment! brimley if famous for disliking hollywood, so it was pretty funny to hear his grumpy ramblings about wanting to be far away from people. strange...
the best part? wilford even wins the coveted golden mouth organ!
+ 'its the night before my favorite holiday!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'it is! its thanksgiving eve, i'm so excited! 'twas the night before thanksgiving and i'm out of breath, i've been in the kitchen all day cooking up meth! thats my thanksgiving poem, i always say that! i know people are like 'come on craig, cant you say something classy on this magical night?' all right then: 'twas the night before thanksgiving and the foods in the oven, and i'm in the bedroom performing self lovin'! it is the night before thanksgiving, unless you live in canada, in which case, thanksgiving was a few weeks ago, so enjoy your round bacon and your hockey, you heathen bastards! what the hell? thanksgiving weeks before we have it?!? thanksgiving is, of course, the day we give thanks. as a vulgar late night entertainer i have much to be thankful for this year. there was congressman anthony wiener who texted his wiener, there was gerard depardieu who got his wiener out on a plane, and arnold schwarzenegger who had his wiener professionally cleaned! the good thing about these holidays is that you can look at all the jokes through out the year and use them again! thank you comedy gods for this weineriffic bounty!'
+ 'the thing i'm most excited about is that today is the opening of the muppet movie', craig ferguson states, 'hurray! i feel a very strong connection to the muppet movie because i myself am just a puppet of a mighty corporation. anyway, its not your grandpa's muppet movie thought, its racy! its not rated 'G', its rated 'PG'! i think miss piggy must show a little bacon! a little bit of sizzle there, maybe. i remember back in the 70's the muppet movie had tons of celebrity cameos. there was richard pryor, bob hope, milton berle, dom de luise, orson wells. the lesson here is of course, if you appear in a muppet movie, you die! i'm kidding, the new muppet movie has a lot of celebrity cameos. its easier to list who's not in it than who's in it. who's not in it is me and corey feldman. i'm just kidding, corey feldman is in it. the late jim henson, of course, was the creator of the muppets. he also created iconic characters for other movies. he did the teenage mutant ninja turtles, the dark crystal movie, the 80's movie 'the labyrinth'. that one creature in the labyrinth really freaked me out, what was it again? thats right, david bowie. the word muppet, of course, is a combination of marionette and puppet. just like the word mobster is a combination of the words man and lobster. that means all of us have the capacity to end organized crime by simply dipping our local crime boss in butter and devouring his yumminess.'