+ 'theres a movie opening today called the mechanic', craig ferguson shares, 'according to the movie, 'the mechanic' is code of a hitman. finally! at last a movie about a hitman! i havent seen a movie about a hitman since 'salt', that was actually about a hitwoman i suppose, so that was quite different, a hitman in 'the american', 'red', 'wanted', 'mr and mrs smith', 'kill bill', 'kill bill 2', collateral', 'the whole nine yards', 'the whole nine yards 2', 'the professional', 'pulp fiction', 'the borne identity', 'the borne supremacy', 'the borne ultimatum'. perhaps theres more. yes, there are more. you know what one i liked was 'assassins', in the 1990's. it stared antonio bandaras and silvester stalone. antonio bandaras has a castilian accent so he would say 'i am an athathin! i am an athathin and tho ith my costhar thelvethter thtalone'. for some reason the hitman is one of those movie characters that people just love. it never gets old. you know, youve got the hitman, the down on his luck prize fighter, youve got the hooker with the heart of gold. which, in real life you would have an easier time finding the lock ness monster than a hooker with a heart of gold. i look forward to your letters, nessie.'1-28-11
+ 'theres a movie opening today called the mechanic', craig ferguson shares, 'according to the movie, 'the mechanic' is code of a hitman. finally! at last a movie about a hitman! i havent seen a movie about a hitman since 'salt', that was actually about a hitwoman i suppose, so that was quite different, a hitman in 'the american', 'red', 'wanted', 'mr and mrs smith', 'kill bill', 'kill bill 2', collateral', 'the whole nine yards', 'the whole nine yards 2', 'the professional', 'pulp fiction', 'the borne identity', 'the borne supremacy', 'the borne ultimatum'. perhaps theres more. yes, there are more. you know what one i liked was 'assassins', in the 1990's. it stared antonio bandaras and silvester stalone. antonio bandaras has a castilian accent so he would say 'i am an athathin! i am an athathin and tho ith my costhar thelvethter thtalone'. for some reason the hitman is one of those movie characters that people just love. it never gets old. you know, youve got the hitman, the down on his luck prize fighter, youve got the hooker with the heart of gold. which, in real life you would have an easier time finding the lock ness monster than a hooker with a heart of gold. i look forward to your letters, nessie.'1-27-11
+ 'very crazy goings-on in egypt right now', craig ferguson informs, 'thousands of young people in the street protesting, they are very angry. i dont know what its about, but it might have something to do with that there has never been a free election in the six thousand year history of egypt. you know, if you dont have a free election, sooner or later the kids are going to get mad at you! it could be the fact that they are ruled by a regime that everyone agrees is a bit torturey. or it could be that the streets of chiro are so crowded that you cant walk like an egyptian. you cant walk like an egyptian, you have to walk like a canadian. 'sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry'. 'craig', i hear you say, 'craig, these protests in egypt, are they related to what happened in tunisia?' i dont know. i dont know if they are. i dont have time to keep up on current events, not when i've got a tivo full of 'the real housewives of beverly hills'! those are some crazy bitches right there. i do know one thing though, two weeks ago thousands of tunisians poored onto the streets to demand that the dictator to get his ass out. and then to everyone's surprise, he did! no one has seen such a hated figure leave his homeland peacefully since i left scotland all those years ago. anyway, the egyptian protests are huge, its a big chance for the middle east. for once the people in the streets are not beardy old fundamentalists hell bent of overthrowing america's only alli in the region, they are pro western pro ipod, they are cool young people hell bent on overthrowing america's only ally in the region. now, ive never been to egypt. the closest ive ever gotten is the luxor hotel and casino in las vegas. which in many ways, lets be honest, is better than the real egypt. come on, its got carrot top six nights a week! six thousand years of civilization bested by a man with a trunk full of prop gags and a dream.'1-26-11
+ 'today is a good day to be rich, and when isnt it?' craig ferguson asks, 'today is the first day of the world economic forum in switzerland. its where the worlds richest people get together and, i dont know, rub dollars on their nipples or something. they called it the world economic forum because they all agreed that calling 'cha ching, bitches!' was too on the nose. the forum is in a place called davos in switzerland. aw the swiss. i think the swiss use their neutrality to lull us into not being afraid of them, but behind our backs the swiss army are preparing their knives, they are going to poke us with their corkscrews, burn us like ants with their tiny maginfying glasses. you know, to be a member of this world economic forum club there is a forty five thousand dollar annual membership fee. i cant afford that. the most expensive club i belong to is the hair club for men. thats right, im bald. downstairs. well, i used to be, now i love the way i look! wait, thats not the hair club, that slogan is for mens wearhouse... thats right, my penis wears a suit! he's a fine upstanding citizen. its not just the president, its also a client! wait, what was i talking about? i got distracted by my penis again... the world economic forum. the people who go to this thing are zillionaires, they make donald trump look like a pauper. in fact, if trump showed up, they would make the thing on his head dance for change! 'dance monkey, dance! you too think on the monkey's head!'.'1-25-11
+ 'its a big night over in scotland', craig ferguson informs, 'because tonight is burns night. every year this night is burns night, people drink wiskey and celebrate the poet robert burns. i know what you are thinking 'craig, scottish people drink wiskey?' yes, but tonight they drink wiskey and recite poetry, which makes it classy. robert burns is scotland's favorite son. he died 200 years ago, but he's still a national icon. robert burns the poet, of course, loved to drink. a lot of great writers drink, burns, hemmingway, snookie. a lot of them drank. burns night isnt just celebrated in scotland, anywhere theres a scottish population, england, america, austraila, where ever it is that shrek lives. on burns night people usually eat haggis. a haggis is basically, what it is is a sheep's intestines. inside the sheep intestine is the heart the liver and the lung. theres other stuff too: onion, spices, phlem, bits of jimmy hoffa. haggis is actually illegal in america because of the lung! you can buy lung free haggis. lung free haggis is like that dude kloe kardashian without the back hair- whats the point! apparently people have been smuggling haggis into america. and if they do it the same way they smuggle in the drugs, then thats disgusting. although i'd like to apply for the job... burns even wrote a poem about haggis. apparently burns really loved haggis, scottish people like to write poems about what they love. i once wrote a poem about the thing that i love. an ode to crack. 'thank you crack, i want you to know, you keep people up to watch this show'. cbs cares. he was only 37 when he died, robert burns. following a dental extraction. thats why no scottish person has been to the dentist since.' + chris hardwicke stops by to help craig with the tweets and emails.
1-24-11
+ 'everyone, of course, in television is still reeling about keith oberman', craig ferguson shares, 'friday night he did his last countdown show. he says he didnt quite though. people are asking was he pushed out? people on the right are saying 'yeah, hes gone!' people on the left are saying 'oh no, he's gone!' most people are saying 'did you see the jets game? did you see that?' now, if you dont know keith oberman, he had the most popular show on the channel that frankly not many people know about: its called nbc. well, msnbc. he was the face of msnbc. all networks have a face, the face of cbs is of course, charlie sheen. thats if cbs stood for coke, booze and sluts! thats a joke, obviously thats not true, the face of cbs is of course andy rooney. if cbs stands for cantankerous, booze and sluts. no, cbs stands for cantankerous bewildered seniors. thats our audience. i was on his show once, he gets a big grabby under the table, but i liked that. msnbc has already announced the replacement for oberman, j lo. aw, she could never be the face of msnbc, maybe the ass of msnbc. if msnbc stood for massive succulent naughty butt cheeks! i respect the man though, because he is a broadcaster first and foremost, he's very good at it. he's the third legendary broadcaster to leave television this week. first it was larry king, then regis has announced he's going, now keith oberman. terrible things always happen in threes. its kind of like the jonas brothers! he's controversial, you see, because he has a lot of those things that piss people off. what are they called again? oh thats right, opinions!'1-21-11
+ 'i'll tell you why i'm excited', craig ferguson shares, 'because A) its friday, and 2) theres a new movie out. yeah, i like to do A and 2. theres a new movie out called 'no strings attached'. its a phrase that means sex without commitment, or as some people call it: sex. in the poster for this movie its got natalie portman and ashton kutcher in a bedroom. is that bedroom her place or his place? it cant be his place cause there's books there. maybe snookie's novel... she's wearing a guys shirt in the poster. more evidence of the hollywood double standard, when natalie portman does it its sexy, when i put on thigh highs and a push up bra i get thrown out of denny's! good thing ihop is more tolerant. you know what ive decided about the movie? all i've seen of this movie is the poster and i've decided that i hate this movie. now its true that natalie and ashton look lovely, but none of those girls really does it for me, you know what i'm saying. i sometimes wonder, basing this on nothing at all, but i wonder if ashton kutcher is like g.i. joe down there. just kind of like smooth down there. i'd go see a movie where they answered that question. no strings attached would be no things attached! this is true though, ashton kutcher was studying to be a bio engineer when he was discovered by a talent scout. i'm thinking 'way to go talent scout'. thats just what the world needs, one less bio engineer solving the earths problems, and one more dude who looks like a lady making romantic comedies. thanks talent scout. bastard. but i will say this, the movie does raise some interesting questions: can friends have causal sex without feelings becoming an issue? i personally dont think so. i tried it once, and it was a disaster. bob saget and i have not spoken since.'1-20-11
+ 'not a great day if you are an american mobster', craig ferguson shares, 'the feds arrested 127 mobsters in new york, new jersey, and rhode island. and the shocking part is that 4 of them were not named vinnie. the fbi busted members of every new york major crime family. the cops say they havent seen that many italian american men in handcuffs since they raided madonna's bedroom. wait, that doesnt make sense either. why would the nypd raid madonnas bedroom? i like how the fbi agents wear the windbreakers that say fbi on the back of them. its a bad ass uniform, its better than the mob uniform. the mob uniform used to be cool, you know, the fedora, the pinstripe suit. now theyve just got a valour tracksuit with juicy written on the ass. thats their uniform, right? bet that guy wasnt even in the mob when i think about it now. call me vinnie... the guys who got arrested today, among the things they were charged with was stealing the christmas bonuses of construction workers and shaking down strip clubs. they were messing with construction workers and strippers- these are my people! a mafia bust like this is harmful to the reputation of italian americans, they do almost as much damage as the jersey shore.'* dan riskin this guy is really funny and interesting
1-19-11
+ 'did you watch season 10 of american idol started last night', craig ferguson asks, 'the ratings were huge. everybody in the entire world watched. the only people who didnt watch were al quida. 'oh, we'd rather watch glee! how do they come up with their ideas? every episode is fresh and interesting'. american idol though, its hard to believe 10 seasons of american idol. my favorite season was the one where the winner disappeared and we never heard from them again. which one was that again? no, thats not true. some big stars are from american idol. all these beautiful women, kelly clarkson, jennifer hudson, carrie underwood, clay aiken. all beautiful ladies! i'm doing really well with the glee crowd tonight, arent i? i have a feeling this years idol is going to be the best one ever! all our favorite characters are back: randy jackson,... thats it, no simon, no kara, no more of that adorable lesbian. whats her name again? thats right, ryan seacrest. no, ryan will be back. the new judges are steven tyler and jennifer lopez. you know, to me american idol seems to me like doing karaoke without being groped by chinese business men. whats the point? some people think simon cowell is irreplaceable and that american idol will collapse without him, and those people are called simon cowell.'1-18-11
+ 'its a very sad day today for the tv industry today', craig ferguson shares, 'one of the great broadcasters is stepping down. his full name is, of course, regis frances xavier philben. you may know him as reeg, the big daddy, the man on the telly who sits next to kelly. whatever you call him, he's leaving his morning show. he's not retiring, actually, hes going on to do other things. he's too young to retire, 79. here at cbs thats called a whippersnapper. its true, cbs has got andy rooney, mike wallace, that kid from two and a half men. no, that kid from two and a half men is like 90 years old. he is, hes got that benjamin button thing. thats why charlie sheen does all that stuff, to take the spotlight off him! its true! i admire the fact that regis knows when to walk away, though, i'd hate for him to hold on an extra year and start texting pictures of his penis to people. can i just say, i would really hate that. i dont know what he's going to do now, hes welcome to take over this crap here, i'm fine with that. i'm not sure he would get along with geoff though, he's used to kelly ripa. kelly ripa and geoff are very different of course, one's sexy and perky and knows how to talk to an old dude, and the other one is kelly ripa!- larry king he and craig even switch spots and larry interviews craig.
1-17-11
+ 'its a great day if you like the coffee', criag ferguson states, 'cause starbucks announced their biggest size coffee yet. its the 30 oz. coffee called 'the trenta'. which means 30 in italian. i thought 30 in italian was 'itsa thirty!' i admit i love starbucks, but i prefer making my coffee at home though. i do it right, every morning i wake up and ground my own beans, then i go downstairs and make a cup of coffee... i've got mixed feelings about this new trenta size, on one hand i want to buy one and bathe in it. well, why not? doctors say coffee can reduce wrinkles. at least, thats what i tell people when they catch me dipping my nuts in the coffee pot. it doesnt hurt as much as ironing it! and its cheaper than botox. do people do that? actually put botox in their business? why not- scrotox! i dont know if that much coffee is a good idea. it cant be healthy to consume what amounts to be a big gulp of hot joe. if you want a big gulp of hot joe, i know a place on hollywood blvd... coffee used to be a manly drink, but not anymore. the word frappichino sounds like a gay act with al pachino! i hope this new trenta drink doesnt take the employees at starbucks away from what they do best, which is getting my name wrong every time i go in.'1-14-11
+ 'its a very big day at the movies today' craig ferguson shares, 'green hornets out today, i hope its good, i'm very excited about this. because they have pushed back the release date a couple times, thats sometimes a worrying sign. apparently the people who saw the early trailers thought seth rogan was too chubby to play a kung fu master, which is aweful. i think he looks great! to me though, the only thing far fetched about green hornet is the plot, though. its about a playboy newspaper publisher who gives up his money and his girls and his parties to fight crime. come on, theres no newspaper publishers anymore! if you dont know about the green hornet, what he is is a vigelante who fights crime with his trusty sidekick kato. the green hornet has been around a while now, it was actually a radio show from the 1930's. thats how you know that you are running out of superheroes when you go back to the 1930's for radio. its true, when the green hornet started they experimented with different colors, he was the blue hornet, and i think he was the pink hornet for a while. by the way, if you want to experiment with a pink hornet, theres a place down on hollywood blvd. make sure you ask for the one with the big stinger. the swelling will never go down... one of the most popular radio shows back in the day was a show called 'the shadow'. the tag line was 'who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of man? the shadow knows!' the shadow, what he did was had an invisible cloak, which is a fantastic device for radio... although, i dont know how an invisible cloak helps you look into the hearts of men, maybe into the hearts of the ladies locker room. about 15 years ago they made a movie of the shadow, alec baldwin played the shadow. i think thats why they never made a sequel. 'we're gunna need a bigger cloak! we can still see a great deal of him...'.'1-13-11
+ 'according to a new poll thats out, 31% of americans believe in astrology', criag ferguson informs, 'well, ive got news for you 31% of americans, you may not be what you think you are. the zodiac signs have changed, this is true. i read that and though 'my zodiac sign is a lie? this means everything i read in the newspaper could be false? this means garfield hates lazania, this means little orphan anne does have eyeballs, this means marmaduke isnt hilarious! everything in the stars has gone topsy turvy! the age of aquarious is now, i'm not kidding, is the age of capricorn. it said that in fox news, so you know its true! the zodiac signs were created about three thousand years ago based on the position of the sun and stars. the moons gravitational pull has made the earth wabble a little bit. this is scientific fact! i dont understand it, but its fact. all i know is this, the zodiac is messed up. now when a gentleman approaches and asks 'whats your sign?' i wont know what to say! ill just have to say something cleaver like 'my sign is stop', or 'my sign is bear crossing'. i've been on this planet 48 years as a torus, a bull. i used to be at the end of torus, now i'm at the beginning. which is good, cause i'm getting sick of smelling like a bulls ass.'1-12-11
+ 'its a very big birthday this week, my favorite website is ten years old', craig ferguson shares, 'happy 10th anniversary naughtyvegetables.com. i'm talking, of course, about wikipedia. wikipedia, the online encyclopedia, is ten year old this week. i think its ten years, i read that on wikipedia so its probably crap. no, the two biggest sites on the internet are wikipedia where you go to learn about things you care about, and facebook, where you go to learn about people you stopped caring about years ago. i'm not on facebook so if you are mad at me for not friending you, i'm innocent. or am i? people from all over the world edit and write articles for wikipedia. there are a lot of different languages, there are 266 language versions of wikipedia. i didnt even know that there were 266 languages! i only speak one language: sco-merican. and i can barely speak that. everything on the wikipedia during the early days was chaotic. there were a lot of factual errors. the wikipedia entry about me listed me as a comedian! then they changed it to entertainer! they werent even close! for me, having the wikipedia page is great, and its about me. i spent the 1980's mostly in a black out, so i read the wikipedia i can catch up and find out what i was doing! so thats why i was banned from holland! i should never have touched that dyke...'* jo frost
1-11-11
+ 'the big news today is, of course, the iphone', craig ferguson tells, 'youve heard of the iphone. its great, its a thing that gives you music and games and video. its not actually a phone, but it can do all the other stuff. but today verizon announced they are going to start selling their version of the iphone and it will actually make phone calls. wha?!? the little smart phones are all the rage these days. i remember when phones were big and dumb. celebrities used to get in big trouble for throwing their phones at someone. but in their defense, that was usually someone who diserved it, you know, a rude waiter or paparazzi, someone who's not famous. now a days, phones are so light, it would be like throwing a feathery paperclip! if russell crowe or niomi cambell threw their phone at you now, you'd be like 'aw, thats cute'. you know, when i was young back in ancient times, i dreamed of a future with all kinds of great inventions: flying jet packs, sex with robots, all these things that were going to be. beer flavored cocaine. i was high and drunk, i cant remember! maybe it was cocaine flavored beer, i cant remember. i was only ten. anyway, i used to think phones would be built in to everyday objects. you know, like a shoe phone or a watch phone. but it never happened, it happened the other way around, everything else has become part of the phone. if you lose your phone you lose everything. you might as well change your name to randy quaidd. the prison officials say that a lot of prisoners are getting in trouble these days for having cell phones. aparrently the inmates are sneaking them in. it seems that someone in the audience figured out the one way you can do that, and responded appropriately by going 'oh!'. which is the noise you make while smuggling a phone, 'oh!'. it must be odd in prison though, 'could i borrow your phone?' 'sure, i just smuggled it in', 'you know what, ill just write a letter, its fine'. 'anybody got a carrier pigeon?' 'sure i just smuggled one in!'.'* paula abdul
does that need to be said?
Craig ferguson steps away from his nightly hosting duties on 'the late late show with criag ferguson' to travel the country as a stand-up comedian. recently epix.com has filmed some of those performances and put together a new comedy special! at their website you can check out a few interviews with craig and clips from the special that will premiere february 19. check it out here!
1-10-11
+ 'you know, over the weekend true grit was number one at the box office' craig ferguson shares, 'its doing really well and i dont know why. it doesnt have any aliens or explosions, or karate, or fart jokes, or boobies. its not even in 3D. what kind of shit is this? hollywood is getting lazy trying to fool us with quality. the hero of true grit is rooster cogburn who is a tough but lovable one eyed rascal. anyway, the true grit stars two of the best actors in hollywood right now. i'm talking, of course, about matt damon's sideburns. they are magnificent. it looks like his ears are being nibbled by ferrets! anyway, the real star of true grit is jeff bridges. i'm a huge fan of his, he won the oscar last year and he could win again for this. its not fair, he's in good movies too often. he needs to make a crap movie to break it up a bit. he needs to make a movie about a cat that plays basketball or something.'secretariat in new york
'now, before the holidays we sent the horse, secretariat, we sent him... i think its a him, we sent him to new york to deliver a christmas gift to jimmy fallon, who is my direct time slot competitor on nbc. anyway, the horse disappeared for a week and i'm like 'where has he been? whats he been up to?' we now have the footage from where he was! take a look everybody, secretariat in new york!'during the segment we see that secretariat visits 'live with regis and kelly', walks the streets of new york, visiting the empire state building's observation deck. visiting the old apartment craig lived in during the 80's. he visits 'the view', and he drops in to see katie curic doing the secretariat dance at 'cbs news.' he walks down broadway and even stops by 'the late show with david letterman'! where dave replies 'yet another waste of time on tonights show'.
1-07-10
+ the late late show with craig ferguson is now broadcasting in australia for the first time! in honor of this event, craig says 'to my australian friends: welcome. to my american brothers and sisters: its the usual crap, everybody!'+ 'not a lot going on in the movie industry this week', craig ferguson laments, 'we are in the thick of the awards season. the first big awards show is this weekend. its the adult video news awards are this weekend. now adult video news is a trade publication for adult fims, but i dont know if it really counts as news. i mean, is it a news organization? do they have crack reporters or do they just run fluff pieces? who knows, maybe they do have hard news... the avn awards are basically the porn oscars. but the porn industry is very different than hollywood of course, one is filled with sex addicts who do discusting things for a few bucks, and the other is the porn industry. anyway, if you are lucky enough to be nominated for a porn award this weekend, just remember: there are no losers, only wieners!'
+ secretariat in new york video
morgan freeman reads from snooki's book
after craig ferguson talked about the new book 'a shore thing' by snooki, he showed morgan freeman reciting a few passages through out the night. here are those amazing gems of literature:'gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. she shook it hard. too hard. in the middle of a shimmy her stomach cramped, a fart slipped out, a loud one, and stinky.'
'i love food, i love drinking, boys, dancing until my feet swell, i love my family, my friends, my job, my boss, and i love my body. especially the badonk.'
'he had an ok body, not bad at all, and naturally toned abs. she could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face.'
1-06-11
+ getting his revenge, craig ferguson finally got the clearance to air the 'dr. who' opening song from the episode dedicated to dr. who a few months back- and its quite funny!+ 'do you love nature documentaries?' craig ferguson asks, 'i love them, i love to seeing animals in their natural habitat. its fascinating. thats why tonight is such a big night, a very important nature documentary starts tonight: season three of the jersey shore starts tonight. its a brand new season of the jersey shore because its been a whole two months since the last season ended. all the favorites are back, snooki, the situation, j-wow, tito, regis, yoda... anyway, this season they are taking college classes and working with politicians to create legislation. ha ha! no they are not, they will be punching each other and getting drunk off their asses. now, i've only ever seen a little bit of jersey shore. i saw it actually for the first time recently. its the kind of show you have to watch at least once or you feel left out. its what they call 'the water cooler' conversations. anyway, when i finally watched the jersey shore i thought 'is that it?' it doesnt bother me that much, its just a bunch of drunk stupid kids. i was like that. i've said this before, if the cameras were following me in my early 20's i would have been arrested. more.'
+ morgan freeman reads from snooki's book 'a shore thing'
1-05-11
+ 'its a great day for america, and a particularly great day for two annonymus americans', craig ferguson shares, 'two people have the winning mega-millions lottery ticket. if you missed the big drawing, the winning numbers were... not yours. the two winners are going to split 355 million dollars. whoa! now, that might sound like a lot, when you split it in half, then take out the taxes... its till huge! you know, if i won that much money i wouldnt be here. id be gone. id be at home taking a bath in gold with lesbians. i wouldnt be here if i had that kind of money, and cbs would be playing a rerun of 'becker'. actually, it wouldnt be that bad. its pretty good, that. you always think its not going to be good, but its not that bad.' how true it is craig, 'becker' is awesome! 'if i had that kind of money, what we call 'oprah money', i would buy an island, thats what i would do. i'd buy an island and i would call it 'craigtopia'. i would build a castle in the shape of my head. and hire a bunch of old people to wrestle in custard just for my ammusement! it would be like 'huh?' 'no, wrestle more, old people!' obviously id give some to charity too, cause i dont want people to think i'm weird or anything...'-> paula deen
1-04-11
+ 'now that 2010 is behind us we get flooded with all these year end reports' craig ferguson shares, 'i'm reading them, and according to all these reports, the average american in 2010 went to the movies five times, ate 25 pounds of candy, and had sex once a week. i know! you cant do it all at the same time, obviously. if you can, send me a video! heres what i found interesting, in 2010 the average american watched more tv than ever before in history! 34 hours of tv a week. that longer than court appointed rehab for charlie sheen. 'wha, 34 hours and the alcoholism cleared right up! lets get some coke and hookers!' anyway, you hear people say that tv is dying and everyone is doing the internet thing, but to those people i say poppycock! tv is more popular than ever, its just changing. you see, its not like it used to be, families dont gather around to watch 'leave it to beaver'. now a days tvs are everywhere, tvs in cars, tvs in phones, tv in workout equipment. its just a matter of time before people get tvs put in their foreheads, which would be awesome! it would be great when nicole kidman is here, it would be like watching imax! what? shes got a big forehead, she knows! its alright. is that mean? its not a judgement on anyone, i'm sure she is a wonderful woman. with a big forehead. alright, shes got a perfectly normal forehead and i'm a fucking lier. hey, first curse word of the new year! hurrah! people say that watching a lot of tv is bad for you. i call these people idiots. if you want me to watch less tv, then someone has to stop making that 'real housewives' show. i cant get enough of those bitches! i keep going 'kelsey grammer was married to her?!?' have you seen the real housewives of beverly hills? i'm like 'what the fuck?!?' if you take all the women of that show and add them together and have them stand next to each other, i would say about twenty percent of that is organic material. really! one woman is basically a lip and shoes! and she's the hot one!'happy 6th anniversary!
'wow!' craig ferguson says as the stage hand sets up a couple vases on stage, 'yes, you may well be impressed! 'craig, it looks like you are standing in a badly lit vase store!' so, look, heres the thing. we are trying to class up the joint. this is our sixth anniversary. as a joke, cbs said to me 'do you want anything for your sixth anniversary?', and i said 'yeah, get me two ming vases'. and i'm like, are you serious? and they are actually just for tonight, they are on loan from the getty museum, they are two genuine ming vases from the 1500's, they are considered priceless. they originally belonged to the emperor wan lee, the emperor of china. they are known for the beauty of their decoration. and so are the vases... anyway, this is a very big deal for us, and i'm thinking 'ming vases? priceless ming vases in this studio?!? hope everythings going to be ok...'
later, during the tweets and email time, secretariat comes out and almost hits them. immediately craig calls for his intern bridger to come out and put the vases away to keep them safe. and wouldnt you know it, right at that moment, secretariat comes out again! he runs right into bridger and the vases fall to the ground and are destroyed! who could have seen that coming?1-03-11
+ 'happy new year! its a great day for this show, its our 6th anniversary!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'six years! we are very excited here about our 6th anniversary. you know it was six years ago today that i stood on this same spot with absolutely no idea what i was doing, and nothings changed. its true, when i look back on all that we have done on this show, more than a thousand shows, millions of viewers, awards, kudos, free candy for the audience; all this fantastic stuff, and one cbs promo. not kidding. cbs cares... anyway, this is how long we have been on the air: when i started on cbs, there were only 37 csi shows! if today is the sixth anniversary of the show, that means that tomorrow is the sixth anniversary of me not giving a crap. i'm kidding, i love this show. i resolve to make 2011 the best year we have ever had. on a scale of 1 to 10 this year, i'm going for a solid 4. anyway, we got some great anniversary gifts this year. the traditional gift for the sixth anniversary is candy. and when i got here today candy was in my dressing room. candy, of course, is the name of the escort found in charlie sheen's closet. anyway, a lot of people make new years resolutions, not me. i feel like resolutions set me up for disappointment. last year my resolution was to learn spanish, but it didnt last that long. it only lasted about dos week-os. i rest my case, really. at this point in my life, though, i cant make any good resolutions. i dont drink, i dont smoke, and i've only got one dangerous habit left: breeding bengal tigers. i'm just kidding, i breed ferrets! you may have thought with this being a new year i would have new material. nope.'
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