1-11-11

+ 'the big news today is, of course, the iphone', craig ferguson tells, 'youve heard of the iphone. its great, its a thing that gives you music and games and video. its not actually a phone, but it can do all the other stuff. but today verizon announced they are going to start selling their version of the iphone and it will actually make phone calls. wha?!? the little smart phones are all the rage these days. i remember when phones were big and dumb. celebrities used to get in big trouble for throwing their phones at someone. but in their defense, that was usually someone who diserved it, you know, a rude waiter or paparazzi, someone who's not famous. now a days, phones are so light, it would be like throwing a feathery paperclip! if russell crowe or niomi cambell threw their phone at you now, you'd be like 'aw, thats cute'. you know, when i was young back in ancient times, i dreamed of a future with all kinds of great inventions: flying jet packs, sex with robots, all these things that were going to be. beer flavored cocaine. i was high and drunk, i cant remember! maybe it was cocaine flavored beer, i cant remember. i was only ten. anyway, i used to think phones would be built in to everyday objects. you know, like a shoe phone or a watch phone. but it never happened, it happened the other way around, everything else has become part of the phone. if you lose your phone you lose everything. you might as well change your name to randy quaidd. the prison officials say that a lot of prisoners are getting in trouble these days for having cell phones. aparrently the inmates are sneaking them in. it seems that someone in the audience figured out the one way you can do that, and responded appropriately by going 'oh!'. which is the noise you make while smuggling a phone, 'oh!'. it must be odd in prison though, 'could i borrow your phone?' 'sure, i just smuggled it in', 'you know what, ill just write a letter, its fine'. 'anybody got a carrier pigeon?' 'sure i just smuggled one in!'.'
* paula abdul

> dave attell