2-05-10

+ 'it's super bowl weekend this weekend', craig ferguson reminds us, 'l.a. doesnt have a football team. apparently the only reason we dont have one is because we dont have a proper stadium. mayor anthony viarosa says we cant afford to renovate the facade of the historic l.a. colosseum. which is a terrible attitude. in l.a., we've got some renovations going on here that we can help with- just look at cher! now, since l.a. doesnt have a team, i've sort of become a fan of the san diago chargers. which is good and bad cause if you follow the chargers during the regular season its all right, but come the playoffs- you are heart broken. every january we cope with the sudden demise of the team. its that disappointment. its kind of like being vin diesel around oscar time, you kind of know its coming, but still... now, cbs is expecting about a bazillian people to watch the super bowl on sunday. its the most watched event on tv, the super bowl. its nice to see that during this harsh partisan time, when americans dont see eye to eye on anything, we can all agree to sit down and watching two groups of huge men kicking the shit out of each other. get it done!'
+ craig's spanish word of the day: resaca- hangover!
+ tim meadows reports from miami about the super bowl
- claire danes
- jill scott

2-04-10

+ 'its a great day here at cbs', craig shares, 'because today is the first day of sweeps. yes, sweeps. for those of you who dont make your living as a tv network whore, sweeps are a month long ratings measurement period, its when the tv shows pull out all the stops to attract more viewers, and this show is no different! and we have a graphic tonight!' a graphic appears at the bottom of the screen that says 'first day of sweeps!'. 'yes, there it is! now, you can tell it must actually be sweeps because the graphic actually appeared! yes, of course it sucks, but the rest of the year the suckage only makes it on to the screen 50 percent of the time, but now everybodys ready. i dont understand why they are called sweeps, it makes me think of a broom. we could use a broom around here. actually, we need more than a broom to solve the problems on this show! we need a wrecking ball to solve the problems on this show!'

+ inside the world of acting with sir cornwell barnes. he interviews dwayne 'the rock' johnson about the tooth fairy.

+ craig's spanish word of the day: tiburon- shark!

- chris kattan

* tina brown

craig's other mug

ever since craig ferguson got that rattlesnake mug from mary mccormack, he's been getting some more fun gifts! this mug, made by ms. kunis herself, was given to craig when mila kunis came on the show as a guest. mila painted it herself just for craig! craig played it off like he really loved it, but it was obvious that he wasnt too keen on it at all! the best part if the mug is that mila even painted butt cheeks on the back of it!

1-29-10

+ 'there a big movie opening today that i'm very excited about', craig ferguson says, 'cause kristen bell is in it, and we love kristen bell on this show. its called 'when in rome', its a romantic comedy about a woman who goes to rome and... i dont know, solves crimes or something... the phrase the movie name comes from, 'when in rome' is short hand for 'when in rome, do as the romans do'. but i dont know if that means ancient romans or contemporary romans, cause they are very different. contemporary romans live in rome, they wear suits, they say 'whats a come and a go?' and 'tootsie fruitsie icea cream'. ancient romans wore sheets and went to orgies...'
+ craig's spanish word of the day: zanahoria- carrot!
- jon heder
> dana eagle
= corinne bailey rea

1-28-10

+ rosie o'donnell lipsyncs 'addicted to love', while craig and his regulars are dressed in black dresses and red lipstick!
+ 'its a very sad day today for american literature', craig ferguson shares, 'the legendary author j.d. salinger died today at the age of 91. well, he was 91, it terribly sad, but he was 91. he was best known for 'the catcher in the rye'.' at which point a member of the audience claps. 'he cant hear you. look, even when he was alive, i happened to know that he never watched this show... catcher in the rye was the first part of salinger's famous trilogy: 'catcher in the rye', 'shortstop in the rye', and 'catcher in the rye 3: rye harder'. no, no. there is no sequel to 'catcher in the rye'! it sold 65 million copies, but salinger did not want to exploit it for profit, and i respect his refusal to let his work get over commercialized. it reminds me of my autobiography 'american on purpose', which is available at bookstores nation wide... or my other book, 'between the bridge and the river' available at fine bookstores. i wont have that one over commercialized either...'
- rosie o'donnell
= wilco

1-27-10

+ craig mixes it up a bit and starts off with the guests instead of the monologue.

- eddie izzard

+ 'what we would like to celebrate tonight is the birthday of one of the greatest musicians to ever live. wolfgang amadeus mozart. its his birthday today. no please, do not applaud, he cannot hear you, he's dead. 'mozart's dead?!?' yes, but if he were alive today he would be saying 'get me out of ze coffin- i'm alive!' mozart is, of course, from austria and his birthday is a big deal over there. they are always trumpeting the fact that mozart is from there. i think that they try to do is take your mind off of any other very famous austrians... he wrote over 600 pieces of classical music, best know for his master work 'rock me, amadeus'. somepeople prefer bethoven over mozart, i like all the greats, mozart, bethoven, lady gaga...'.

-> myron mixon

1-26-10

+ 'today governor schwarzenegger proposed that we open prisons in mexico', craig ferguson informs, 'its to house the overflow of california inmates. i know! its better than his last idea though, to sent a robot from the future to grope them. 'vy not? it vill verk!' sending prisoners to another country is not a new idea though, australia was a founded by criminals who were deported from england. they werent necessarily bad people. in victorian england you could be thrown in prison for just annoying an aristocrat. 'i say, how can i possibly count my money? that peasant's stomach is growling. all right, off you go!'

+ craig's spanish word of the day: cuchara- spoon!

- 50 cent

- adrianne palicki

1-25-10

+ craig ferguson mixes things up a bit and starts off with the 'what did we learn on the show tonight, craig?' bit.

+ 'the people up in canada are very nice', craig ferguson shares, 'but the animals in canada are bastards. now here's something you probably wont hear on the discovery channel, but polar bears are douche bags. its true! in northern canada the polar bears are jerks, the polar bears, this is true, is one of the few animals that will hunt you down for fun! i saw one following me the whole time i was in canada, sitting a few rows behind me on the airplane trying to look incognito in a hat and a magazine. i dont know what he was reading, i think it was 'bear's life'. once they start following you, you cant get rid of them!'

+ craig's spanish word of the day: oso- bear!

- carl reiner

- alicia witt

+ at the end of the show craig welcomes us all and says 'stay tuned for the rest of the show!' weird...

jersey shore: the movie

craig ferguson shows a funny spoof of 'jersey shore', claiming that they are releasing a 'jersey shore' movie! the preview says the film is rated I for idiotic, and features 'extreme mookishness, pickles, nudity, and ham'. there are even a few famous people stepping in to make fun of the people on the real show- mila kunis as snooki, tom lennon as 'the situation', nick lachey as ronnie, and even video game great mario, makes an appearance! very funny!

1-22-10

+ tonight is mythbusters night! 'mythbusters is about more than just busting myths', craig ferguson reminds us, 'its also about blowing stuff up! the mythbusters take popular myths and prove whether they are real or not. most modern myths are started by movies, actually. by hollywood movies. for instance, one episode of mythbusters they proved that shooting a car's gas tank does not make it explode. ah ha! makes you wonder what other lies are in the movie tango and cash!'
+ craig's spanish word of the day: flatulencia- flatulence!
# tory belleci
# grant imahara
# kari byron
= hot rats

1-21-10

+ craig starts off with a sketch of 'jersey shore: the movie"- very funny!
+ 'its a great day for american television', craig ferguson exclaims, 'tonight is the season finale of the award winning pbs documentary series 'jersey shore'. its not on pbs, its on mtv. wasnt it great, though? i didnt watch it, i cant afford cable. jersey shore is huge, its the most popular tv show in mtv history, even more popular than bevis and butthead. now, if you havent seen jersey shore, its basically 'the real world', but with italian americans who spend a lot of time in tanning booths, putting on hair gel. one of the guys says 'being italian is all about family, friends, tanning, and gel.' i dont think all italians americans would agree with that. the characters of jersey shore call each other guidos and guidettes. one guy says 'my abs are so ripped up they are called the situation'? he gave his abs a nickname because his abs are so awesome they are a situation? i think the situation he needs it to get himself to a damn dictionary!'
+ craig's spanish word of the day: basura- garbage!
- adam goldberg
- abbie cornish

1-20-10

+ 'i was talking to the audience before hand, because i was talking about canadians', craig ferguson shares, 'i'm going to see some canadians this weekend and i'm very excited. i enjoy the company of canadians, which is lucky cause they live right on the border. so anyway, i was explaining to some members of the audience that canadians are shy, and i said 'you know, like an octopus'. appearently people dont know that octopuses are shy. but they are. you know why? ever seen one at a party? no. i rest my case. i know what you are thinking, but they do get invited. 'we will have to invite your sister, and your sisters husband even though he's a jerk. what about that lovely octopus we met when we were on holiday' 'should we?' 'yeh, lets invite him!' the mail goes through, invitation arrives somewhat soggy at the octopuses cave, the octopus opens the envelope- with ease!- and the octopus goes 'oh, how lovely to hear from those lovely people i met on holiday last year. oh, they've invited me to a party! no... i'm shy. like canadians'.'
+ craig's spanish word of the day: travesti- transvestite!
- keri russell
> jake johannsen

1-19-10

+ craig ferguson plays some outtakes of morgan freeman's recording the opening for cbs news. very funny!
+ 'have you seen the avatar movie? it looks like its going to pass by titanic as the most successful movie of all time. and i'm like 'uh oh!' cause i still havent seen it! i know what your thinking 'but craig, thats a massive pop culture phenomenon you've completely ignored!' damn right there is! right there i ignored it, i zig when you zag, bitches! i just called you bitches, i'm so sorry... one of the reasons avatar has made so much money is because 3D tickets are more expensive. i think the studios should think about a sliding scale for movie tickets. for a good movie, like avatar, thats ok, i dont mind paying a bit extra. for an ok movie, charge a little bit less, and for a terrible movie, the studio pays you. i think it will work! the theater has a shady guy outside asking 'have you heard about the morgans?' (hands over a couple bucks) 'how about now? you hear about them now?'!'
+ craig's spanish word of the day: bigote- mustache!
- alan alda
- anna kendrick

1-18-10

+ 'a lot of people in l.a. are very upset about what happened yesterday', craig ferguson shares, 'the golden globe awards got rained on. do you watch the golden globe awards? no, i dont either. anyway, the golden globes, if you dont know, is an awards show that i will never be at. its also an awards show thats put on by the hollywood foreign press association, basically its 100 people who work for a prestigious news organizations like the amsterdam penny saver, or the beriln newsenpoopen. they have this big award show, usually they put big tents over the red carpet, but yesterday they decided to save money and not put up tents- and it was not pretty! the celebrities make up was all washed off, revealing their true age, many of them. turns out dakota fanning is 45- shes just a cute little person! i suspected it when i saw her in that funny car. some celebs actually melted in the rain. the cast of desperate housewives had to hide under kim kardashians ass. it was terrible!'
+ craig's spanish word of the day: hamburguesa- hamburger!
- marion cotillard
= steve jones from the sex pistols talk and sing

1-15-10

+ 'there's a new movie opening today that looks pretty good', craig ferguson shares, 'its called 'the spy next door', it stars jackie chan. you dont really need to know what a movies about if jackie chan is in it, if jackie chan is in a movie its probably got fighting in it. you wont see jackie chan wasting time in a stuffy english drama. the spy next door is an action comedy. belly laughs mixed with extreme violence- thats entertainment right there. usually destruction doesnt mix well with violence, just look at nbc's late night lineup. anyway, in the movie jackie chan babysits his girlfriends children, teaching them important lessons: stay in school, eat your vegetables, the best way to kill a man is with a full diaper. its not that difficult. the toughest part is filling the diaper...'

+ craig's spanish word of the day: hongo- mushroom!

- tom lennon

- shiri appleby

= luke bryan

1-14-10

+ 'i'm talking about fashion tonight', craig ferguson discusses, 'because tonight marks the return of one of my favorite shows on tv, project runway. its back in its original home, new york city. last season it was in l.a., and frankly a show about fashion does not work in l.a. people in l.a. dont want to fashionable, they want to look like they just got home from the gym. they wear work out clothes, they listen to the jonas brothers on thier ipods... maybe thats just me. what can i tell you, i love spandex. i do, i feels so good on me. spandex makes me feel young! it pushes it all back to where it used to be! why dont they make spankz for me?!? anyway, i'm glad that project runway is back in new york city because new york city is the capital of american fashion. when you take a new york fixture and you put it in l.a. if flounders. it would be like taking andy warhol from the new york art scene and putting him on the beach. putting a fashion show in l.a. is ridiculous, its like putting jay leno in primetime- it just doesnt work! you know what l.a. fashion is? its boobies. theres nothing wrong with that, i enjoy them immensely. new york fashion is about no boobies. see, new york fashion models cant have boobies, it would throw them off when they do that walk, you cant have everything moving around! new york fashion is all about shoulders and necks and turning these young women into giraffes.'

- julie andrews

- amber valletta

= vampire weekend

+ craig's spanish word of the day: cacahuete- peanut!

1-13-10

+ 'i feel vulnerable this evening', craig ferguson confesses, 'its all this late night stuff, its working away at me. its like i had onions. havent i ever told you about that? onions dont agree with me at all. and i'm not talking about in an existentialist way, its not like i go into the kitchen and say 'hmm, is there a god?' and the onions are like 'dont be absurd'. its not like that. they dont argue with me in that regard, they just dont agree with me. when i eat onions they cause me to feel upset down below. and this whole late night thing is doing the same thing. everyone is all fighting, i hate it when mom and dad are fighting and i dont know what to do. and then i got all frightened cause i was watching dave earlier on, and he just introduced me now, cause we're live, and he said 'i think its craig ferguson next' and i'm like 'what do you know?!? dave, i've always been loyal to you!' anyway, not to worry. i mean, i loose this job i can always get something better. lets be honest. there are fast food chains that are dying for a young wipper snapper like me. i know how this is going to end up, with me selling used cars on regional television. 'come down to our store where we are having a massive sale on cars that advertise on cbs!'. awe man, it makes me feel bad, i wish i was in a more stable profession... actually, i just lied to you- i'm loving this shit!'

+ craig's spanish word of the day: tortuga- turtle!

- richard lewis

conan leaves the tonight show

with all this craziness going on with the late night problems at nbc between jay and conan, its important to keep one thing clear. it doesnt matter if you are on team jay, or team conan, because the best late night show is 'the late late show with craig ferguson'!!!
just remember: i'm with craig!

1-12-10

+ 'i have some news', craig ferguson admits, 'i would like to announce that i am retiring. i just have to say that i refuse to go on after jay leno. like everyone else... of course the big news in tv today is conan o'brian, in a written statement, that he will not do the tonight show after jay leno, which means he quit. i think. but he also said that he wants the tonight show the best it can be, which means he didnt quit. i think. i have no idea, but i'm sure the lawyers will figure it out. because thats the best way for two parties who cant agree on anything to work things out- get some lawyers in there! get it all worked out, it worked for my first two marriages- it worked for the lawyers anyway...' 'we've got to take a break. i'm frightened to take a commerical break cause i dont know if my job will be here when i get back. i suppose i better than. look, if i take a break and you come back and its jay leno, you'll know what happened.'
+ craig's spanish word of the day: sobaco- armpit!
- carey mulligan
> paula poundstone

craig's spanish word of the day

at the beginning of the year craig ferguson made a new years resolution: he will learn the spanish language! now, i have my doubts about it, but he promised that by the end of the year he will be doing a whole show in spanish! good luck...
one of the segments that he has done since then is the 'craig's spanish word of the day' where one spanish word is defined. after its definition is given, craig tries to use it in a sentence, often to hilarious effect!
good luck reaching your goal, craig, you will need it!

1-11-10

+ 'now if you havent heard the news about the late night war thing, then congratulations, you have a life.' craig ferguson says, 'apparently jay leno is going back to 11:30. its not a smooth transition though, a lot of feeling are getting hurt. now, i like jay and conan, i honestly feel for them both. you know the world is on its ass when dave and i are the stable ones! it was really awkward this weekend at the late night club house. you know we all live together in a big house? its like jersey shore. i share a room with jimmy fallon. he's farty, but its ok cause he's on the bottom bunk. david letterman is the king of the household, he has his own room. no one knows what goes on in there except his lawyers and the fbi... its my last show everybody! the nbc wing is very confusing: jay leno used to have his own room, but now he shares with conan. carson daly doesnt get his own room, he just sits in the corner going 'trl, trl, trl...'. now, i know most people dont care about late night tv, and i dont blame them. before i got this job i didnt give a rats ass about late night tv. even now i dont give a rats ass! i think thats perfectly evident by the quality of this show! the media has been going nuts on this thing though. what i'm saying i think is, its a bunch of middle aged white guys fighting over who gets x number of millions of dollars, who gives a fuck?'

+ craig's spanish word of the day: albondiga- meatball

- mila kunis

= nellie mckay

1-08-10

+ craig ferguson starts off the show with a funny bit with jason segel and his pee pee.

+ 'there's two big birthdays in the world of music today', craig ferguson shares, 'david bowie is 63 today, ziggy stardust still looks good, i hope i look that good when im 63. i'll probably look like a stained old sofa when i'm 63. its also the kings birthday, elvis presley, he would have been 75 today. elvis and david bowie are very different though, one of them was a music legend who was wacked out on drugs and wore sparkly jumpsuits... actually, they are pretty similar if you think about it. anyway, david bowie has always been surrounded by rumors that he was gay, now the gay rumors started with a misunderstanding because he did an interview with a british journalist who got the impression he was gay. i dont know why, it might have been the part of the interview when david bowie said 'i'm gay'. then a few years later david bowie's ex wife said she caught him in bed with mick jager, which i dont believe, i dont see mick jager as someone who swings both ways... i miss the day when rock stars were known for decadent sexual behavior, now if you want to see that sort of thing, you have to watch golf. rock and roll used to be unpredictable and rebellious, now most rock stars are just corporate monkeys dancing for pennies thrown by the man. and thats my thing, so knock it off, you bastards!'

- jason segel he and craig have so much fun, he ends up staying for the whole show!

1-07-10

+ "the consumer electronics show is this weekend', craig ferguson informs us, 'when it comes to electronics, i'm something of a luddite. do you know what luddites are? luddites are british people in the early 19th century who protested against the industrial revolution, they felt technology was ruining their lives. they were textile workers, so they thought the weaving loom was the work of the devil. they were like 'we dont like the weaving loom, its the work of the devil! we like things the way they are, you know, expensive old fashioned way of making pants, the black death, taxation without repesentation- thats one of our favorites.' they thought the weaving loom was satan's work. because everybody knows, satan loves quality trousers.'
> steven wright
- michelle monaghan

1-06-10

+ 'now, yesterday i spent the whole monologue talking about crabs', craig ferguson reminds us, 'the kind that live in the sea because there was a new species of crab discovered. anyway, today there is even more exciting news from the sea that i want to talk about. i guess that makes this 'sea week' on the show. keep in mind, sea week might not go past tonight though... earlier today there was trouble on the high seas. now, what was the trouble? i hear you ask. was it sharks? was it pirates? no, whale hunters. they rammed their ship right into some anti whaling protesters. actually, i support all those environmental groups like green peace, but nothing makes those guys angrier than whaling. except maybe if you take their weed. i'm glad people are out there fighting for animal rights. they disrupt the whaling, they fight the elephant poachers, they fight for the right for dogs to play poker. now, the protesters had to be evacuated to another boat called, and i'm not kidding, the 'bob barker'. they were thinking about updating the boat and calling it the 'drew carrey', but they would need a bigger boat. take that, old friend! apparently what happened is that bob barker donated money to this protesting group and they named the boat after him. i think that's why they named the boat after him, that what they say, but i think they named it after him is because it's old and leaky. i'm kidding, i love bob barker. last time i had him on he tried to have me spade and neutered. the whaling boat is from japan, they hunt more whales than anyone else. shouldnt they be hunting godzilla? a whale isn't going to destroy tokyo, godzilla is!'
- ray romano
= herb alpert

marshmallow gun

recently craig ferguson got a new toy! during one of the segments of 'the late late show with craig ferguson' he pulled out a little marshmallow gun! its a little gun made of pvc pipes that he put little marshmallows in, pointed it at the audience, then blew through the hole- out pops a marshmallow! as he was first playing with it he jokingly asked the director why he had it: 'is this so i am more appealing to a younger demographic?!?' yup, it sure is! if he plays with this all the time, it reminds me of rosie o'donnell and her koosh balls! oh, maybe there's an endorsement deal in the works here!!!

1-05-10

+ 'today is a great day if you are a fan of crabs', craig ferguson announces, 'its true, and who isnt a fan of crabs? if you have tuned in tonight to hear the latest crab news, then tonights your lucky night! because scientists have discovered a brand new species of crab, its called the strawberry crab. why? i'll tell you why: because it looks like a strawberry. isnt that adorable? and its tasty i imagine as well. i'd rather have a case of strawberries than a case of crabs. but you can get either at a road side stand for ten bucks. i learned that the hard way. anyway, the scientists found the crab of the coast of taiwan, i think they heard it call or something 'come to me, i look like a delicious fruit!' same thing i call every night 'come to me, i look like a delicious fruit!' but the strawberry crab may be cute, but he's still a crab. and i dont like crabs. i'll tell you why: i dont like anything that walks sideways. i dont like crabs, ancient egyptians, and lawyers. alright, thats a bit harsh, i didnt mean to offend the ancient egyptians.

+ craig got a marshmallow gun to shoot at the audience.

+ craig calls kathy griffin to see how her CNN new years eve gig went.

- patricia heaton

= yonder mountain string band

1-04-10

+ 'we are back! today is the start of our sixth season,' craig ferguson exclaims, 'five years yesterday we were on the air. thats 4.9 years longer than anyone thought we were gunna last. thats absolutely true. i havent received any anniversary gifts yet, traditionally, on the sixth anniversary you are supposed to give wood. i have been waiting 5 years to do that joke! anyway, this year i promise you clever jokes, whity insights, topical humor. but only if you are watching HBO, cause here at CBS, same old crap.'

+ as a part of the new years, craig makes a resolution that he is going to try and learn spanish! he says that by the end of the year he will do a show entirely in spanish. i dont think he really thought this one out very well...

- rosie perez

= switchfoot

12-23-09

+ 'at my house, christmas is at a fever pitch', craig ferguson shares, 'my son is 8 and a half, so there is a lot of jumping up and down, looking for presents, crawling up the chimney- and my son is pretty excited too. he's at the age where he's starting to suspect that santa clause might not be what he appears, and i understand that. when i was his age i was suspicious too, i remember i used to leave refreshments for santa: cookies and whiskey. thats refreshments where i come from. we used to have that at half time at soccer games at school. 'alright children, come over for your cookies and whiskey!' 'ok, thank you!' anyway, we would leave cookies and whiskey out for santa. then the next morning i noticed my dad's breath smelled like whiskey and cookies. then i realized the awful truth: my dad had been making out with santa!'

+ an interview with tim meadows from the mall of america

- paris hilton

-> jose andres

12-22-09

+ 'its a great day for me because i just finished my christmas shopping', craig ferguson shares, 'i always finish my christmas shopping before christmas. i got up early to get to the mall, hours before dawn, it was brutal. me, arnold schwarzenegger, and sinbad all fighting for the same toy, we are all rolling around on the ground wrestling and pinching each other. then the stores open and we have to go get some things... you know what i do these days? a lot of people do this, they shop online. they say its quicker than shoping at the mall, but its not for me, because at the mall i cant be distracted by porn.'
+ a sean connery christmas memory
- kathy griffin
= harry connick jr.

12-21-09

+ 'i had a very busy weekend' craig ferguson tells, 'yes i did, i was out this weekend and i bought a christmas tree for my house. well, you know, for everyone in my house, not just for my house, its not like 'there you go, house, merry christmas'. now, when i was single i just had a drawing of a tree taped to the fridge, that and mistletoe underwear. but now that i'm married, i have a big domesticated christmas with the christmas tree. we went to the parking lot tree sales. here in l.a. you can buy trees in the same parking lots that sold pumpkins last month. so in december they sell christmas trees, in november they sell pumpkins, and in the summer they sell crack! thats true! anyway, i put the tree up in the living room and my dog peed on it. now, i know what you are thinking, but he did not learn that from me!'

+ a sean connery holiday memory

+ betty white as a salvation army bell ringer

= renee fleming

> jim mcdonald

12-18-09

+ 'its a great weekend in hollywood, i'm very excited' craig ferguson admits, 'theres a big movie that opens today, i'm very excited about it, its one of the most anticipated movies of the year. expect long lines at the movie theaters all weekend. its avatar. you know, the science fiction one, with the planet with the blue people. they look like cats! that means it will be successful. people love cats! i dont know why. the play 'cats' ran on broadway for over 100 years. if the people who made avatar are smart, there will be scene in the film where a cat bursts into song with all the other cats who all sing along in cockney accents 'oh, i'm a big blue cat, me name is socks! and i left a present in me litter box!' ah, cockney singing cats, there isnt anything funnier than that! anyway, the avatar movie cost 300 million dollars to make. which doesnt mean its good, i havent seen it so i dont know. but you dont need 300 million dollars to make a good movie, all you need is a good script, good actors, and boobies. now that i think about it, you dont really need actors or a script...'

- dame judi dench

- michelle rodriguez

12-17-09

+ 'its a big anniverary today' craig ferguson reminds us, 'mine? no, mine's on monday- i remembered, just in time! no, its 106 years ago this very day, the wright brothers in south carolina i think, the first air plane flight. the first flight was just 12 seconds long. it would have been shorter, but they had to change planes in st. louis... the wright brothers, of course, were wilber wright and orvile wright. they were bicycle manufacturers, some how they got this crazy idea that they could build an aircraft. basically, they were the 'jackass' guys of their day. historians say the wright brothers were constantly tinkering with their airplanes. they spent years experimenting with various models. much like tiger woods... now i've told you this before, i love the aviation. im a bit of an aviation buff, i am. there is something magical about looking down from above. everything looks great from above: buildings, freeways, clevage.'

- sigourney weaver

* hank stuever

12-16-09

+ 'the most terrifying news story today', craig ferguson warns, 'is that octopuses use coconuts for shelter. octopuses have learned to use coconuts! i couldnt believe it, i always thought more than one octopus was called octopi, but its octopuses. what? thats what it is! i have no idea why, dont email me english majors, i dont care. but heres why it doesnt make sense to me: if you have more than one cactus, youve got a cacti. if you have more than one stimulus, youve got stimuli. if youve got more than fungus, youve probably had sex with bret micheals. but i do like octopi because it makes me hungry because i think of eight pies. and pie is the tarzan to my stomachs jane... that doesnt even make sense for this show! anyway, it turns out they dig up coconuts from the ocean floor and make stuff! isnt that adorable? they make shelters, weapons, pina coladas. my mother used to always say 'i'm not an octopus, i cant do eight things at once. which i never understood, just cause youve got eight arms, doesnt mean you can do eight things at once. its a ridiculous notion, although my mother did used to hide in a coconut.'

+ a collection of christmas specials from different famous people: sarah palin, andy rooney, kate gosselin, simon cowell, willie nelson, paula abdul, and tom cruise.

- bob barker

# greta van susteren

12-15-09 1000th episode!

+ for this special 1000th episode of 'the late show with craig ferguson' our favorite hand puppet, the crocadilli-alligator wavey is hosting! in fact, for the 1000th episode, craig isnt even on it! everything is over run with puppets! wavey interviews the guests, does the monologue, and introduces the show. the rest of the show is filled with puppets too, including all the regular bits. check out the pictures for more:

- jason schwartzman

+ a sean connery holiday memory. its the same old funny bit, but this time sean connery is a puppet of a goat. actually, it makes it even funnier!

+ dear aquaman. just like a regular aguaman bit where he answers emails, but this time aquaman is a shark with a human body and blond hair.

- maria bello

- dracula puppet by jason segal from 'forgetting sarah marshall' singing 'dracula's lament'
- kristen bell
+ a song with wavey, a harem of women, all the show's supporting players, and prince charles! (which is the only time we actually see craig ferguson on his own 1000th show)

12-14-09

+ 'guess what happened to me over the weekend', craig ferguson asks, 'i'll tell you. so, i was in nashville friday night, doing a little show in nashville, very nice, country music, everyone very pleasant, cowboy hats, cowboy boots, country music, politeness. lovely. saturday morning i have an early flight to l.a., but there is no direct flight from nashville to la on saturday morning, so i had to get a connecting flight through houston texas. a perfectly normal thing to do, people do it all the time. i get there early and i go up to the desk, everyone's very nice, i'm on the plane, a very small plane. and i'm on the plane and i think 'this plane is busy, theres just too many people for this small place'. its ten past six in the morning. then the gate agent comes on 'the flight is over booked, someone has to get off, its over booked and over weight'. and i'm like 'tell me about it, that exactly what i'm like!' so they are asking around to get people off, and i think well, i've got to go to make my connecting flight, but the flight is taking a while, i'm never going to make it. i say 'ok, ill get off'. so i get off the plane, i think 'well, i've got to get to l.a.' i get off and go up to the ticket agent. i ask 'all right, just get me to l.a.' they say 'oh, thanks for doing that.' i went 'its allright, you over booked the flight though' 'yeah, we've been doing that a lot lately'. i talk with this guy and he says 'i can get you back to l.a. through st. louis'. i get the ticket and i see its a six hour layover in st. louis airport. and as much as i like the people of st. louis, six hours aint going to cut it for me. i decide you know what, i'm going to get a car and drive up to atlanta and see a buddy who lives there. now, as im walking away, the guy says 'hey, i love your show'. and im thinking 'he knows i'm on tv...' and he says 'hey, dont bad mouth us on tv!' oh, there's no way i would bad mouth you on tv, CONTINENTAL AIRLINES!!! anyway, i went to see my buddy, stayed in atlanta for the night, and then i flew home on a big comfortable plane operated by DELTA AIRLINES who were very very nice! your welcome airline industry!'

- joshua jackson

- lake bell

= reba mcentire

12-11-09

+ 'do you know the hell of presenting a television show every night where you just talk?', craig ferguson asks, 'i'll tell you, you never know what offensive crap you are going to say next. this is why, what happens is this: the people like me, who are basically just wiseasses and just talk for a living, we would start doing these shows. we would just come out and say anything. soon we were saying things and people would go 'hey, you cant say that!' and they would be right. we were just talking. now what we do is we have scripts. we look at these scripts and ponder over them and lawyers come in and go 'yes, i think that would be acceptable for small americans' or you know, what ever it is, the group of people who would be offended by your 'comedy'. but heres the problem: i think i goes to far sometimes. cause what happens is, i had an idea for something to do on the show and one of the lawyers said 'i think this is in poor taste'. and i said 'yes, thats kind of what we do'. he said 'yeah, but i think its in poor taste'. i said 'you dont have taste, your a lawyer!' i said 'i dont care, is it legal?' see what happens is, everybody is an expert in comedy. if it doesnt make you laugh, its not funny. in drama you can get around it, cause if somebody says they liked it, you can say 'oh, you liked it did you?' 'what, you didnt like it?' 'no, i didnt like it.' then you can say 'oh, you probably didn't get it'. comedy is the opposite, 'oh, thats the kind of thing that makes you laugh? i only laugh at intelligent things.' now, i have something to tell you: if you only laugh at really intelligent things, its slim pickins here.'
- jim parsons
= they might be giants

12-10-09

+ 'its a great day for our present president obama', craig ferguson shares, 'he accepted a nobel peace prize in norway. i dont want to say this obama love is out of control, but his acceptance speech for the nobel prize just won the pulitzer prize and his over all performance won an oscar. theres a lot of controversy for president obama in norway, because he apparently snubbed the norwegian royal family. he snubbed them by canceling lunch with them. he was meant to have lunch with the royal family and he canceled. dont be silly, norwegian royal family, even if the president doesnt invite you just show up and crash the party, thats how we do it in america. the award is given out in oslo norway, which has been in the news this week because of the strange lights in the sky there. wait... a strange star like object over oslo just before obama arrives, a gift of a gold medal given by a group of wise men... nah. naaah. even msnbc are going 'no, you took it too far'. anyway, some people are saying its a light from a ufo coming to welcome obama, which is ridiculous cause if it were really a ufo, they would take joe biden back to his home planet.'
+ a sean connery christmas memory
# howie mandel
- paula marshall

12-09-09

+ 'oh, wait a minute', criag ferguson asks, 'morgan freeman is on tonight! see, now theres the thing! here's the thing though, morgan freeman is one of those guys where if he's in your movie, its better! no, its true, if morgan freeman is in the movie and there's like flippy baldwin is in it too, then you go 'oh, morgan freeman is in it, alright, i'll watch it!' well, he's here. and this is when we will break the rule. morgan freeman will be on this show, and it will still be crap!'
- morgan freeman
= overtones

12-08-09

+ 'earlier tonight abc aired 'a charlie brown christmas', craig ferguson shares, 'it was supposed to be on last week but was delayed for the presidential speech last week. i've always been a fan of charlie brown and the whole peanuts gang. its good to see the peanuts gang back together. snoopys not there though, no one has seen him since he spent that weekend at michael vick's house! uh oh! anyway, the peanuts cartoon has stayed the same since the '50s. i'm very glad of that, i dont like the idea of charlie brown aging, otherwise there would be specials like 'its your third divorce, charlie brown', 'its the great pumpkin size prostate, charlie brown'. you know who i think is like the peanuts gang: the late night talk show hosts. david letterman can be like charlie brown, he's the leader of the gang, but he's kind of cranky and depressed. and then conan o'brien can be like peppermint patty, you know he's freckly. and i'll be pigpen! the dude who makes an occasional appearance to stink the place up a bit, all covered in flies and everything. who's the kid with the blankey? linus? fallon.'

- michael clarke duncan

- gillian jacobs

= rosanne cash

take a poll

the magazine marie claire is running a pole asking 'Which late-night talk show host would you sleep with?' it lists 9 different options, and among them is our very own craig ferguson! craig talked about this poll on monday's show when it was brought up by an emailer. at the time craig was by far in the lead- he had 74% of all the votes! want to add your two cents? curious about where the numbers are now? well, click here to check it out!

12-07-09

+ 'i'm troubled', shares craig ferguson, 'a couple things happened. one is that i've done something this weekend that i havent done before, and thats really upset me. my son wanted to see the harry potter movies. i've never seen them, i been making fun of them for years. thats easy for me to say 'oh that kid, he's a drunk midget' all that stuff. i've been making fun of it. so anyway, so i watched the first harry potter movie with my son. its awesome. awesome! and i'm like 'wait, wait. i'm was like 'oh, voldimort is right behind you, harry!' its fantastic and i've been making fun of it. now, i'm having a crisis, i'm having an existentialist dilemma. well, not as brainy as that, i'm probably just having a douche dilemma. here's my douche dilemma: i make fun of things, its kind of my job, you know? and i've been making fun of those vampires, you know the modern ones with good haircuts that are vegetarians and they care about your feelings. 'oh, new moon, i'm not going to see that'. what if thats good?!? and i've been making fun of it, and its good? then i'm thinking 'i've never listened to the jonas brothers, maybe their good!' what am i going to do?!? maybe everything i say is sucky isnt sucky at all! maybe i'm the one that sucks. i make fun of stuff i havent seen all the time. will i stop? no...'

- shirley manson

* mitch albom

craig ferguson's rattle snake mug

wondering how you can get your hands on a rattlesnake mug like craig fergusons? well, you are in luck! craig ferguson got his originally from mary mccormack when she went to the albuquerque rattlesnake museum, but i have discovered where to get one from if you are not able to quickly drive over there yourself. after scouring the internet for a place to find the mug (with a little help from some faithful readers...) i have figured it out!
i just got one for myself from the house of tasso, and it is pretty cool!  check out my pictures here.  you can get one of them by ordering online from here, or you can click the ad on the right!
+ check out craig's other mug too!
thanks for stopping by, and dont forget to check back here regularly for episode highlights of 'the late late show with craig ferguson'!

12-04-09

+ 'because its friday, there are a couple new movies coming out that i am very excited about', craig ferguson admits, 'no, i'm not really. i'm just going to see 'new moon' over and over again until my pants fall off. which usually happens as soon as the werewolves come on. i love the werewolves in that movie, they're not wolfy and theyre not werey. theres something about them that brings out the hairy beast in me, and he's hungry for meat. there's a new movie opening today, its called 'everybody's fine' staring robert deniro and drew barrymore. i like drew barrymore, i think she's lovely. remember when drew jumped on david letterman's desk and showed him her boobies? that happened here as well, except it was drew carrey. but, to be fair: awesome boobies! shame about the desk.'

- emily blunt

* david bianculli

12-03-09

+ in the opening bit craig invited a couple down and the man proposed to his girlfriend! very cool! (wish i had thought of that... i dont think my wife would have liked it though. she might not have said yes...)
+ 'last week adam lambert was kicked off 'good morning america' and today he was kicked off two more abc shows', craig ferguson shares, 'he's in hot water because he misbehaved on the american music awards. and when i say misbehaved, i mean he simulated gay sex. and if that's a crime, slap the cuffs on me, mister! tighter, tighter. the safety word is 'banana'. anyway, because of his performance, adam lambert is being dropped from abc's big new years eve show, cause, you know, he's doing too much gay stuff i guess. but the show is being hosted by ryan seacrest. mixed message anyone?'
- george lopez
+ a sean connery holiday memory
= onerepublic

12-02-09

+ 'you know, today three more women said they have had affairs with tiger woods', craig ferguson informs, 'i'm like 'alright! golf got sexy! some people are outraged, but i'm impressed- how does he find time to play golf?!? the florida police have now closed the case on the car accident, so they wont take him into custody and away from his wife, no matter how much he begs them to...'
+ kristen bell comes by to help craig read the emails
= paul shaffer
- shohreh aghdashloo

12-01-09

+ 'president obama's address to the nation was on earlier today', criag ferguson reminds us, 'all the networks who showed it, nbc preempted the jay leno show, it was his christmas special as well, i think: 'the chin who stole christmas'. abc had to postpone the charlie brown christmas special too. but here's the thing: cbs did not postpone its christmas special, it was on earlier tonight. it was, of course, the heart warming holiday favorite, the victorias secret christmas fashion show! those girls are so naughty its nice! the victorias secret fashion show is deceptive though, because that lingerie never looks as good on me. anyway, apparently, in the fashion show this year, a model wore a three million dollar bra. three million dollars?!? for that much it should turn your boobies into solid gold! that would be the best bond villain yet, goldboobies. anyway, women's underwear is so much more elaborate than mens. why should women have all the fun with the push up bras and everything. what about push up briefs? yeah!'

+ a sean connery holiday memory

- joel mchale

= the swell season