1-16-12

+ 'american idol starts tonight', criag ferguson announces, 'season 12 starts tonight.  the ratings are going to be huge!  the other networks might as well just run test patterns- dont change a thing, nbc.  this is the third season without simon cowel.  people thought the show wouldnt survive without simon cowel, and these people are called 'simon cowel'.  i think the new judges will be great, each new judge will bring something new to the show: mariah carey will bring wisdom, nikki minaj will bring sass, keith urban will bring... stubble. supposedly there is a bit of tension between the ladies on the show, but what i've seen though, ryan seacrest and kieth urban get along just fine!'
- don cheadle
- dj qualls

1-15-13

+ 'its not such a great day for lance armstrong', craig ferguson admits, 'he admitted to using performance enhancing drugs through out his career and he confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, oprah winfrey.  apparently the interview went very well when oprah told the studio audience 'you get steroids! you get steroids! you all get steroids!'  anyway, lance's interview with oprah went about three hours it was, or about as long as jodie foster's election speech!  see, i did that joke yesterday and i thought i'd do it again today because no one liked it yesterday.  i thought i'd give it a second chance!  the audience yesterday booed me, those bastards!  anyway, lance armstrong, people say that lance was really sad when he left the interview.  id be sad too if i had a syringe in my ass all the time too.'
- lena dunham
- bill pullman

1-14-13

+ 'its a great day if you love cars', craig ferguson states, 'and who doesnt love cars?  well, al quida- thats who!  today is the first day of the detroit auto show.  there are 65 auto shows across the us every year, but the detroit auto show is by far the largest and most impressive.  if auto shows are kardashians, this is the khloe- the big one!  dont worry, if you are not in detroit, it lasts two weeks, or about the same length as a jodie foster acceptance speech.  i wish i wasnt working this week, i love detroit.  i wanted to go to the show, cause whenever i'm there i do all the touristy things in detroit.  i go to the mo town museum, the walk around at bell al park, i go to eight mile and get in a rap battle...  i always loose.  its really all about the crotch grabbing, sometimes i even grab my own!'
- jenna elfman
* guillermo del toro  craig asks guillermo if he makes hellboy 3 can craig be in it?  del toro answers 'i promise you will be destroyed'  to which they shake on it!

1-11-13

+ 'you know the big new movie thats out today that i'm excited about?' craig ferguson asks, 'its gangster squad!  i'm looking forward to this!  the leader of ganster squad is played by josh brolin.  i like josh brolin, i think he's a great actor.  he's a real tough guy, he looks like he can toe to toe with even the toughest adversary   see, that will happen if your step mom is barbara streisand.  you know what?  i feel like i'm in danger for having just said that...  you know, also in the movie is nick nolte.  not only is he a great actor, but he doest give a crap- i like that!  ganger squad takes place in the 1940's, when l.a. was ruled by a ruthless gang that defended its turf with threats and deception.  sort of like the kardashians but with better style.  sean penn is in this movie, now sean penn is a villian who says crazy things and punches out the good guys.  i'm not sure what he does in this movie though.  sean penn plays the legendary gangster mickey cohen, now in the 40's mickey cohen ran this town, now its run by mickey mouse and the disney gang.  the disney attack dogs are even more ruthless- they will sick goofy on your ass!'
- julie chen
- angela kinsey

here come the playas email time

its a new emails and tweets jingle!  this one is in the style of some sort of dance club song, featuring craig ferguson on the turntables and geoff in a wig!  it starts with that oh so familiar tune we have come to love from when craig and geoff go out to the clubs at night: 'here come the playas! they're so fine!'  the crazy neon lights and strange costumes definitely give this clip a rave party feel to it.  it may not be one of their better ones, but its nice to see them still making new jingles!

1-10-13

+ 'it is of course a big day here in hollywood', craig ferguson exclaims, 'the oscar nominations were announced this morning at 5:30 am.  i was up anyway, i've got a two year old kid in the house- i'm up!  i'm watching yo gabba gabba for the 500th time!  here's where you are wrong when you think 'ha ha craig, you werent nominated!' because the movie 'brave' was nominated best animated feature and i did a voice in that movie, so hurrah!  a couple years a go 'how to train your dragon' was nominated and i did a voice in that too.  i'm sensing a pattern- accolades are awarded only if i dont show my face!  i'm very proud of the movie brave and want it to win, but we are up against frankenwienie.  up against a wienie again!  the movie that got the most nominations this morning was lincoln.  it was in fact the first time in history that hollywood has ever supported a republican!  lets be honest- thats true!  lincoln got 12 nominations, life of pi got 11, and ghost rider: spirit of vengence got zero. it is an outrage!  nicolas cage played the motorcycle riding skeleton on fire- lets see daniel day lewis do that- you cant!'
- tim allen
> margaret cho

1-09-13

+ 'its a great day if you like to see stars in danger', criag ferguson informs, 'earlier tonight fox aired a show called 'stars in danger: high dive'.  this is true!  'come on craig', i can hear you mumbling into your television, 'come on craig, reality tv stars in a diving competition, who would watch crap like that?'  i did!  i only watched the first half hour, in my defense, i didnt know there was going to be water in the pool.  one of the contestants on the show is antonio sabato jr.  i am a huge fan of antonio's, i can tell you everything about him- his dad is antonio sabato senior... i dont know anything else about him.  he does have the classic hot guy name though, its like rex hardabs, slab throbmeat, anderson cooper.  this diving show is an import from the netherlands, its a huge hit over there.  but not every reality show from the netherlands is going to work over here, is anyone going to watch 'so you think you can smoke hash?'  bad example...  there's other big reality shows from holland: there's 'clog boss', 'pimp my dutch oven', 'prostituting with the stars'.'
- steven wright
- genesis rodriguez

1-08-12

+ 'i'll tell you what did happen today', craig ferguson informs, 'one of the greatest figures in popular music, a legend, a genius  david bowie turned 66 today.  to celebrate the birthday of david bowie, he released a new music video today.  i'm like 'dont you know that musicians dont do that anymore, mr bowie?'  the cool thing to do is to go on youtube and have a baby with a kardashian!  bowie is old school like that.  he announced the new video and a new album.  this is a surprise because he's been quite for 10 years, he hasnt done interviews or public appearances, he's probably like me: he doesnt like to leave the house because it involves putting on pants!  you know, this is true, last year david bowie was photographed walking around new york with a bag of groceries and it made headlines!  i'm glad bowie is back making music, it sounds good.  i wish i could be like bowie, just disappear, stay under the radar, out of the spotlight for ten years.  i've been doing this show eight years now, so another two to go and i'm in!  and i like that he's aging artistically  he's aging like an artist.  he's just getting older and doing it.  he's not making a fool of himself running around pretending to be a young man.  cough cough madonna cough cough!'
- billy connolly
- meaghan rath

1-07-13

+ 'we were not here last week, we were on vacation', craig ferguson admits, 'because we werent here last week, it was the eighth anniversary of this show last week, so that means today is the first day of the ninth season of this show!  i cant believe this crap has been on the air for so long!  over 1600 shows- three of them were not bad!  cbs has been behind us all the way, of course, thanks to you guys.  8 seasons, 1600 shows, and one promo!  i'll tell you why its a great day today, because two beloved institutions have returned.  yesterday the nhl has agreed to end the strike, and on the same day downton abbey season three began.  is this a coincidence?  i think not!  i'd love to see more hockey on downton abbey!  a lot of people are excited about the new season of downton abbey, not me though because i've seen it.  i was over in britain over the festive period and i watched it while i was there over the holidays.  now, i'm going to give a huge downton abbey spoiler now, so if you are a fan, turn down the volume or look away.  here's the huge spoiler:  things do not go well for dumpledore this season- he gets killed by mr. pennywhistle...  over here downton abbey is on pbs.  thats why i watched it in britain, that way i dont feel guilty about not giving pbs any money!'
- billy gardell
- krysten ritter

12-21-12

+ 'it is the 21st of december', craig ferguson states, 'it is the first official day of winter, its the winter solstis, it is also  my wedding anniversary!  yes!  thank you!  happy anniversary, darling!  it is also the birthday of joseph stalin.  my wedding and stalin's brithday are very different of course... you what, actually i'm going to stop there.  it is our last show before christmas, and maybe our last show ever.  tonights the night, according to the mayan prophecy it could already be the end of the world in you region!  as you know, the mayan calendar didnt go past the 21st of december 2012.  the mayans are known for making the most accurate calendars in the ancient world.  it predicted eclipses, full moons, and every month they had a picture of a sexy fireman.  you know, there's one problem with this mayan prophecy crap, every serious mayan scholar says that a close reading of the mayan text reveals that they believed the world would go on for thousands of years past the mayan calendar   but you know what?  fuck the scholars  lets listen to the wacko locked in the basement with five hundred pounds of spam because he knows what the fuck is going to happen!'
- jamie foxx
- bianca kajlich

12-20-12

+ 'one of the big christmas movies that opens tonight', craig ferguson shares, 'is jack reacher.  tom cruise as jack reacher!  the jack reacher movie is based on a very popular series of books, which i havent read.  i only read books about sexy vampires or mischievousness boy wizards.  i'm a griffindor and team edward!  but, the character of jack reacher is supposed to be an intimidating six foot five, two hundred and fifty pound killing machine.  i'm thinking 'hmm, tom cruise?'  i mean, lets be honest, tom cruise is a great action movie star, he's a great actor, but he's... small.  how does he kill people?  does he punch them in the balls?  by the way, thats my favorite christmas song- 'punch the balls with tiny anger- fa la la la la la la la la!'  you know what i like about this, jack reacher is a fantastic name for an action hero, i cant think of a better one.  well, lets try!  names for an action hero: flip assbuckle,  shep crossbow, what about rusty trombone?  ass mcgrunt, hairy manjaw, flint wolfnip, stone gunpenis!'
- quentin tarantino

12-19-12

+ 'its a great day if you like dickens', craig ferguson states, 'on this day in 1843 charles dickens released 'a christmas carol', you know the one with the three ghosts who enter the house, with ebeneezer scrooge, they scare the daylights out of him.  its kind of like the 1800's version of paranormal activity except its not, you know, crap.  a christmas carol is the one, its been shown over and over again, adapted for movies and tv shows, i love the one with michael caine.  dickens called the scrooge character, and i quote, 'a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scrapping, clutching covetous old sinner who has no place in his life for kindness'.  thats why this story is so appealing in hollywood, everyone here can identify with that kind of behavior!  a few years back they even did a disney version of the story and ebeneezer scrooge was played by scrooge mcduck.  i'm like 'oh sure, get the scottish character to play the cranky miser who doesnt wear pants!  this ethnic stereotype is ridiculous   i was going to write a letter to disney to tell them how offended i was, but stamps are 44 cents and i'd have to put my pants on to leave the house!'
+ a sean connery holiday memory
- judd apatow
- joanne froggatt

12-18-12

+ 'listen, i dont normally recommend shows on ABC', craig ferguson admits, 'but there was an interesting one earlier this evening.  it was about commercialization and how it can affect young people and make them depressed.  its called 'a charlie brown christmas'.  it stars all your favorite peanuts characters: charlie brown, linus, lucy, snoopy, pecky, blinky, dumb dumb, flip flop, and poo poo.  dumb dumb, flip flop and poo poo are actually a very powerful law firm here in hollywood, dont mess with them, especially poo poo.  anyway, the charlie brown christmas special was made in 1965 and it still holds up.  the charlie brown christmas special aired on cbs for 35 years and then since 2001 its been airing on abc.  i cant believe cbs let a classic like that get away but they keep on airing this crap!'
+ a sean connery holiday memory
- don johnson
- brad goreski

12-17-12

+ 'the actress anne hathaway was photographed stepping out of a car', craig ferguson informs, 'with no underpants on.  its still not as embarrassing as the time she hosted the academy awards, but its bad.  you know the economy is bad when even the most successful celebrities cant afford undergarments.  here's what you have to do to generate heat during the awards season, you have to get out of a car showing your junk.  soon we will see ben afleck flashing his argo nads, jamie foxx will unchain his django, i have no idea what anthony hopkins will do to promote his movie 'hitchcock'...'
+ a sean connery holiday memory
- sarah chalke
* anne rice

12-14-12

+ 'you know, its a big weekend for hollywood', craig ferguson shares, 'the hobbit movie opens today, i'm very excited about it, this is going to make a ton of money.  yes, its going to make more money than mitt romney spent loosing the election!  but here's my thing though, its three hours long and its the first part of a trilogy.  now, i've read the hobbit, its a great book, but its not that long a book.  it took me three hours to read the book, its going to be difficult to make one three hour movie, let alone a trilogy.  could this be a cynical move by hollywood to extend the revenue of their franchise?  thats not the hollywood i know, mister...  the hobbit, of course, is the story of bilbo baggins.  he was in lord of the rings, and the other characters from lord of the rings are there as well.  like that beautiful princess with the lovely long hair.  i forget her name though?  orlando bloom, thats right!'
+ a sean connery holiday memory
- bradley cooper
-> wolfgang puck

12-13-12

+ 'its a great day if you like the awards', craig ferguson states, 'because the golden globes nominations were announced this morning.  usually i go in to a diatribe about the golden globes because the people there are a scandal ridden bunch of suck-ups who only know how to get joy in life by getting with in 10 feet of a movie star.  in other words: my people!  but the golden globes are given out by the hollywood foreign press association.  they are entertainment journalists for tiny foreign newspapers like the luxenburg penny saver, the oslow tattler, the roterdam bugler.  anyway, this year i wont be talking about how corrupt the golden globes are because ive realized my scorn for the golden globes is nothing but jealousy.   i've changed my mind.  because i got a nomination this morning!  not for this show, oh now, but for a little film called 'brave' just picked up a nomination for best animated feature.  i made that movie myself in my basement with nothing but my imagination and help from a little company called pixar.  ok, technically it wasnt me who got the nomination, some legal mumbo jumbo about doing three hours of voice over work while not wearing any pants...  but i am a team player, so this morning when i saw that 'brave' was nominated i called pixar and said 'what can i do to help brave win?'  they said 'dont tell anyone you are in it!'.'
+ an excerpt from arnold schwarzenegger's autobiography
- howie mandel
- olivia williams

12-12-12

+ during the show intro, craig ferguson talks with two audience members, jake and britney.  craig steps aside and jake pops the question to britney and they get engaged!  congrats!
+ 'i'll tell you why today is a great day', craig ferguson states, 'because its 12-12-12!  you know what that means?  exactly- nothing.  people say its the last time this century we will be repeating numbers like that.  but thats only if you use the gregorian calender, but i dont use the gregorian calander- i use a cowboys and ferrets calender!  12-12-12, it doesnt mean anything, but across the country there's a surge of weddings because people think if you get married today it is lucky.  you know what i think?  i think any day you get married is lucky.  she could be watching... its called insurance.  some think its lucky but other people think its unlucky.  i dont think its either, i mean i'll still be spending the night clutching my riffle in my underground bunker, but i do that every wednesday...'
+ a sean connery holiday memory
- chris o'dowd
- beth behrs

12-11-12

+ 'the latest report from the us census bureau has come out today', craig ferguson states, 'and for the first time, this is astonishing to me, more people are moving away from california than are moving to california.  people are leaving california in droves!  when i heard this i though 'ugh.  i dont care about this'.  but i've got to have something to talk about on my dumb late night show so i'll pretend to care about it.  ok, i care about it!  apparently the census bureau has said that one hundred thousand californians have left.  i think the number is wrong, i dont think those people left, its just that the census bureau didnt recognize them after the plastic surgery!  anyway, to those who are leaving california i give you the traditional california farwell: adios, amigos!'
- betty white
- morena baccarin
> terry fator

signed bella doll

'so, here's the thing', craig ferguson shares, 'my tweety exploded today!  and also i got some messages on twitter.  some people were mad at me because kristen stewart was here last night and i was talking to her.  and since i've been a bit mean about the twilight movies, which i've never seen, i've been a bit of a douche about her.  anyway, she was here and i was polite and nice to her, she was very nice and i tried to be a nice and friendly guy to her.  the comments were like 'you've sold out! you've sold out, craig!'  yeah, when i took this fucking job!  anyway, here's the thing, kristen stewart was here and my plan worked!  because i got a signed bella doll!  she signed it!'  craig then took a pole of the audience to figure out its permanent place of honor: on the mantel piece, or in secretariat's winter wonderland.  the decision was made that is will be put over by the horse.  now we will be able to 'enjoy' it forever!

12-10-12

+ 'i'm a little nervous tonight' craig ferguson admits at the top of the show, 'here's why: we have a very big star on the show tonight, a very big star.  we have kristen stewart on tonight.  here's the thing, kristen became  very popular through the twilight movies among the rest of a very impressive body of work.  i have been, um, a bit of a douche about them on this show.  now, here's the thing, i havent seen any of them, so i've just been a douche for no reason!  you know what it is?  you know when you get guys like me, middle aged white guys, who are like 'i dont like the hip hop', well, its not for you, grandpa, thats why!  but these movies, they arent made for me, but now i feel terrible because this big hollywood star who very classily agreed to come on the show.  this is not the biggest show in hollywood, i dont think thats a secret...  so here's the thing, i've had attractive women angry at me before, here's what i'm going to do: if i apologize now, maybe that will cut her off at the pass!  you know, you dont want to upset vampires- especially the sparkly ones!'
-kristen stewart
* sloane crosley

12-07-12

+ its the last night of the richie sambora 'house band' week!
+ 'i'll tell you what i'm excited about today', craig ferguson states, 'a very big movie opening today, its one of the most highly anticipated movies of the year.  personally, i've been waiting for it for 10 years.  whats it called?  playing for keeps?  no, thats not the hobbit, i though that was coming out today... oh, that comes out next weekend.  well, whats that one called?  playing for keeps?  well, i want to see that too.  its actually based on the french film 'playing for crepes'.  its one of those romantic comedies.  who doesnt love a romantic comedy?  al quida, thats who!  this one's got gerry butler in it, gerard butler as he's known,  gerry is my friend.  all i know about this movie is that its gerry butler who plays a scottish soccer player who moves to america to teach kids soccer.  and i'm sure along the way he falls in love, gets his heart broken, learns a valuable life lesson, and everybody wins.  what i think is interesting is that it speaks volumes that they dont actually put soccer anywhere on the poster.  cause people in america do not love soccer, to most americans soccer is like warm hockey.'
- julie delpy
- lamorne morris
= to cap off the great week with richie sambora, craig ferguson joins him in singing 'sugar daddy' together!

12-06-12

+ richie sambora and eddie izzard sing out the great theme song from the show!
+ 'its a great day if you like lists,'  craig ferguson states, 'we're in december now, which means every day theres a new list.  ten things about this, ten things about that,  yesterday it was ten sexiest elbows, tomorrow its the ten hairiest kardashians... which is all of them.  today, i'm not kidding, was the ten most corrupt nations of 2012.  congratuations afganistan, simalia, and north korea!  the three of them are sharing the title of 'most corrupt'.  all three of them kept trying to bribe the judges, so it was declared a tie.  congratulations to the country of finland which is now officially the least corrupt nation on earth!  you know, back when i was younger i hooked up with a girl in finland.  i dont think she was local though, because afterward she kept saying 'i'm not finnish, i'm not finnish!'.'
- denis leary

12-05-12

+ richie sambora plays the theme song for the show with a little (and i do mean little) help from larry king.  he should probably stick to his day job...
+ 'the list of the world's best cities came out today', craig ferguson informs, 'and no american city is in the top ten.  none!  guess what the highest ranking american city is?  vancouver!  yes, i know!  apparently its not even in america!  i've been there and they look just like us!  maybe they are a little more polite though, and their bacon is weird...  the next highest ranking real american city is honolulu and it came in at 28.  they got points taken off for bad public transportation, but apparently its a great place to go for fake birth certificates. number 29 was a tie between paris, france, adalaide, australia, and san franscisco.  according to this list the worst city in the world to live in is bagdad iraq.  i'm thinking thats clearly wrong as well, because i'm pretty sure we went there and fixed that place up pretty good!  hmmm... too soon?'
- cheryl hines
* peter segal

12-04-12

+ richie sambora and his band continue their time as the 'house band' for craig!

+ 'its only three weeks to christmas', criag ferguson shares, 'so tonight cbs got into the christmas spirit by showing the heartwarming classic 'the victoria's secret's fashion show'!  um hum!  yup, cbs is spreading the christmas joy like a modern day charles dickens 'please sir, can i have some more boobies!'  some people say that the victoria's secret show serves no purpose other than showing sexy women and bolstering ratings.  now, these people are called 'correct'.  it usually gives cbs a big boost in the ratings so you might get more cbs shows a bit of sexing up, like they might put the cast of '60 minutes' in bathing suits.  well, maybe, thy would put anderson cooper on a swim suit!  in defense of cbs, it wasnt all boobies- they showed 'rudolph the red nosed reindeer' was on right before the fashion show.  now, rudolph the red nosed reindeer and victoria's secret fashion show are very different, of course, ones about a skinny little thing that brings santa to a place where he can unload his bag...  and the other is rudolph.'

- reba mcentire

- keagan-mnichael key

12-03-12

+ richie sambora is on the show with his band playing all week!  he and craig sing out the theme song at the top of the show!
+ 'over in brittan its a great day today,' craig ferguson points out, 'prince william and his lovely bride kiki wigglesworth is pregnant.  she has a krumpet in the nobblebox, a doodle in the noodle, a scone in the breadbox.  what we are saying is that the crown jewels are officially functional.  we do have a parchment: his royal highness, the prince of cambridge  did indeed, get all up in that.'  they have been married for a year and a half, thats like five kardashian marriages!  this is bad news for the paparazzi- a nursing baby is going to cover up this woman's breasts!  kate said that she is very nervous about giving birth.  giving birth to a baby wearing a crown is very difficult- thats were the term 'crowning' comes from! i'm telling you what i just made up in my head and its true!  apparently the royal couple told their family over the weekend.  prince william told his father they had exciting news and his father said 'the queen is dead?!?'.'
- seth macfarlane
- miranda kerr