+ 'its a great day here in hollywood', craig ferguson shares, 'because the twilight: eclipse movie has been out for two days and it has already made one gazillion dollars. a lot of that money is from me because i've already seen it 20 times. i'm kidding, i havent seen it yet, i dont know what happens. anyway, seems like the twilight fever is everywhere, theres the t-shirts, the posters, the magazines. everywhere i look i see a pale twink covered in hair gel. then i leave the house and it gets even worse! here in l.a. thousands of teens camped out to get tickets to see the movie. i drove by a theater last night and i thought it was a justin bieber concert. then i found out the truth after waiting in line for five hours! i felt such a fool! call me old fashioned, but i think vampires and werewolves should be terrifying. i've said this before, and i think they should have transylvanian accents. thats a vampire! they shouldnt sound like some guy from the food court! 'dude, i'm a vampire, and i want to suck your blood. but only if its not fat soy'. a real vampire doesnt care about your feelings, he just wants to suck your blood just because he can! bela lugosi was the first dracula in film and we had the right look. i watched a documentary about bela lugosi last night. thats right, young people! while you were at the movies watching modern vampires and reveling in your youth, i was at home watching a black and white documentary about vampires and lathering myself in ben-gay, and picking lint off my walker balls. call me chuck norris!'
= alicia witt singing

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