+ 'it is, of course, memorial day', craig ferguson exclaims, 'when we honor the men and women who defended this country, and to them i say thank you.  every year as americans we celebrate memorial day the best way we know how: by having sales at mattress stores and car dealerships. that's how we say thanks!  today is when the car dealerships bring out the heavy artillery: the big blowy guys out front!  a lot of americans get the three day weekend, not this american.  i've been a citizen for five years, how long before i get a day off, huh?  the only way i can get a day off is if i some how pretaped a show...  but i just wouldnt do that.  you know who gets a day off today?  jay leno.  he gets a day off.  he's about to get a bunch of days off, actually.  i probably shouldnt joke about that cause he might end up hosting this show!'
- ben kingsley
- alia shawkat

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