+ 'it is, of course, memorial day', craig ferguson exclaims, 'when we honor the men and women who defended this country, and to them i say thank you. every year as americans we celebrate memorial day the best way we know how: by having sales at mattress stores and car dealerships. that's how we say thanks! today is when the car dealerships bring out the heavy artillery: the big blowy guys out front! a lot of americans get the three day weekend, not this american. i've been a citizen for five years, how long before i get a day off, huh? the only way i can get a day off is if i some how pretaped a show... but i just wouldnt do that. you know who gets a day off today? jay leno. he gets a day off. he's about to get a bunch of days off, actually. i probably shouldnt joke about that cause he might end up hosting this show!'
- ben kingsley
- alia shawkat