+ 'i know what your thinking', craig says as he reads a newspaper, 'your thinking 'what the hell is that, craig?'  its a newspaper, its what stupid people used to read before twitter...  i look forward to your outrage.  anyway, so in the usa today, its a great paper and there's people in it and stuff, you know how they've always got the chart?  i'm looking at the chart today, it says 'most popular hot dog condiments'.  i'm thinking 'oh, this is going to be controversial!'  it says at 22 percent, the most popular hot dog condiment is cheese.  i'm like 'cheese isn't a condiment!'  then i thought that maybe in the context of a hot dog it is a condiment.  you know, if its melty and you pour it on your sausage.  and also, the second most popular is chili.  also, i would argue, is not a condiment!  but in the context of a hot dog you put it on your sausage.  18 percent.  third most popular, 13 percent, is onions.  onions also- not a condiment!  and finally, bringing up the rear, as it were, the least two popular condiments are mustard and ketchup.  mustard 12 percent, ketchup 8 percent.  first of all, only two condiments listed here, mustard and ketchup, and then i'm thinking i like mustard and ketchup.  all the other things are fine, but if push comes to shove, like, if the devil appeared and said 'you may only have one condiment for the rest of your life, which would it be?'  i'd be like 'ketchup' of course!  here's what i realized:  this show is for the 8 percent.  this is the ketchup of late night television.  were are the least popular condiment, but at least we are one...'
- ray liotta
deanne smith
= pistol annies

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