5-08-13

+ 'do you know whats going on that i'm actually keeping an eye on?' craig ferguson asks, 'i'm worried about it, that volcano in alaska, its been erupting for like five days.  we are in volcano watch 2013.  its like a documentary here!  the alaska volcano is millions of years old and last weekend it started giving off massive blasts of gas.  you could probably do your own larry king joke anytime you want here...  if you want to see a volcano without going to alaska, you can always go to the mirage in las vegas.  that's awesome, they have an artificial volcano out front.  people like to go to vegas and see that hot red mess.  kind of like carrot top! anyway, i'm talking about the volcano in alaska.  i've never been to alaska, but i would love to go.  it is a huge state.  its so white and vast and frozen that early settlers gave it the nickname 'nicole kidman's forehead'.  alaska is one of our least visited states.  i blame their slogan, 'alaska: you'll freeze your balls off'.  they've got some weird laws in alaska, this is true, it is against the law in alaska to wake a sleeping bear.  who's going to break that law?  'awe, what the hell, i've had a couple drinks, i'm going to wake a sleeping bear!'  in west hollywood, if you wake a sleeping bear he'll buy you lunch!'
-lauren graham
= ben dukes