10-16-09

+ 'there's a movie coming out today called stepfather', craig ferguson informs us, 'i'm thinking, oh good, this is a nice movie about a loving dad, a step father. it's not- its a horror movie! its a horror movie about a step father does things like cooks dinner, makes the kids do their homework. all right, every now and then he chases them with an axe... but i'm thinking, dont step parents have a hard enough time getting along with the kids, and now hollywood is trying to sell the idea that stepfathers are twisted nut jobs? usually step fathers are fine, they arent creepy. well, unless your step father is woody allen... all i'm saying is that step fathers get a bad rap, so do step children. like the term 'red headed stepchild'. it doesnt mean they are a freak! a couple months ago there was a movie called 'orphan' and it was about an evil adopted child. its a rough time for family members that arent blood related. you know what movie i want to see? i want to see a movie called 'pervy grandpa'! 'who needs a spanking?' even cartoons are tough time on relatives. you know who i blame: fairy tales. exactly. 'what is a fairy tale, craig?' i hear you ask. it is simply a parable. 'what is a parable?' i hear you ask. a parable is an enigmatic allegory. i hope thats cleared it up for you. and what child doesnt love an enigmatic allegory?'
+ party at elton john's house skit
= toby keith
- michelle monaghan

10-15-09

+ 'i'll tell you who its not a great day for today', craig ferguson mournfully shares, 'its not a great day for the old folks. today the social security administration announced that there will be no cost of living increase for senior citizens. this is the first time its happened since 1975. and i for one, am reaching a point in my life where i'm interested in this kind of thing... i am, i'm feeling things that are happening in my body! are you there God, its me, craig! i'm often thinking about senior citizen things, i'm noticing more early bird specials where ever i go, i find myself watching reruns of matlock all the time! i'm strangely attracted to angela lansbury... legally there are three stages of aging. at 50 you can join the aarp, at 65 you start getting social security checks, and at 75 you are legally allowed to slap a waitress on the ass and call her 'toots'. i am 47 years old, in three years i can be in the aarp! me! me!!! 8 years from now i am eligible for senior discount at ihop. i can hear what you are saying 'craig, would you really suffer the indignity to get a dollar off pancakes?' your damn right i would! actually, i'm thinking of getting a fake id for ihop discounts before my 8 years are up!'
+ another preview for the friday sketch of 'party at elton john's house' it better be good (even though craig plainly states that its going to suck)
- forrest whitaker
* adam savage, jamie hyneman (the guys from mythbusters)

10-14-09

+ 'its not a great day here in l.a.' craig ferguson laments, 'literally, the city has been brought to its knees by a natural disaster. its scarier than an earthquake, worse than fires, crazier than mel gibson on a road trip, thats right: light rain in las angeles! a light smattering of rain. you can always tell when its raining in l.a., people loose their minds! rain in l.a. is like a tornado anywhere else. those of you in the audience should be aware, there is a leaky roof here, i'm not kidding. but this audience is from l.a., so in the event of a leak and the place floods, you can use your breast implants as a floatation device.'
+ preview for 'a party at elton john's house' skit coming on friday
+ paula poundstone stops by to do the emails with craig.
- kristen bell
- robert carlyle

10-13-09

+ 'theres a lot of important news going on right now', craig ferguson shares, 'theres some very big news, i'm going to talk about it tonight, i dont like to talk about things this serious, but i'm going to have to talk about it tonight: we are in the middle of a pumpkin shortage. and apparently halloween fun is threatened! i think that might be exaggerating a bit, i mean halloween wont be cancelled just because theres a pumpkin shortage, that would be like cancelling 'jon and kate' because they were short one douche bag. nobody has cancelled this show because of a lack of entertainment value. according to the article, the pumpkin growing season was especially rainy, and thats why theres so few pumpkins, and the pumpkins that survive are going to be smaller than usual. its just a matter of time before the pumpkin shortage will be a political issue. the democrats will blame the global warming for the pumpkin shortage, the republicans will blame michael moore for eating all the pumpkins. i'm going to go with the republicans on this one...'
+ larry king of the jungle
- tim robbins
- adam goldberg
= dierks bentley

10-12-09

+ 'its a great day for our neighbors to the north', craig ferguson shares, 'up in canada its canadian thanksgiving, so happy thanksgiving, our canadian friends! thats why i'm being positive! canadians are positive and upbeat, they are perky and they enjoy knit wear! thats why i'm doing it. their thanksgiving is just like our thanksgiving, but they eat the traditional canadian meal of hockey pucks stuffed with back bacon...'
+ celebrities read excerpts from craig's book. kristen bell
- david boreanaz
* mitch albom

10-09-09

+ 'today is not just a normal friday', craig ferguson reminds us, 'its leif ericson day! now, not everybody loves leif ericson day, 'who craig?', well let me tell you! the italians dont. see, leif ericson is considered by historians to be the first european to land in north america, but italians are like 'what about christopher columbus?' leif ericson arrived in north america 500 years before columbus, but he was a viking, and vikings get a bad rap. cause columbus got a whole city named after him in ohio, but what did leif ericson get? he got leif gerrett named after him, leaf blowers... all right all right, i'll try to stop punning on leif. ill leif it alone. oh, thats a re-leif. anyway, historians argue over who discovered america, was it leif ericson or colombus? personally, i think its very hard to discover something if there are people already living there...'
+ dear aquaman with tim gunn
- gerard butler
= phoenix

10-08-09

+ 'i am angry at news organizations', craig ferguson informs us, 'they print garbage and pass it off as the truth. what happens is one newspaper prints it, and then the others pick it up, and everyone believes it. the news channels are just as bad. like on cnn, right, they read out what people are saying on twitter. how is that news? thats like going to the street corner and talking to the guy who's barking at the sky. thats not news! i thought cnn stood for cable news network, not crazy nightly nuts! now, i dont want to sound like grandpa, like 'why dont they make good shows like matlock anymore?' like when walter cronkite read the news you knew it was the news. mainly because he ended the broadcast saying 'and thats the way it is'. and then if you said 'no, i actually heard something...' 'no, thats the way it is.' i guess i only trust news from wrinkly old guys, i guess thats why the most trusted name is larry king.'
+ dear aquaman with tim gunn
- jean reno
- sophia bush

10-06-09

+ 'did you see kiss on letterman?' craig ferguson asks, 'i mean the band kiss, not the other thing. kiss was on letterman, i just watched it cause we're live! i'm live, the audience i'm not so sure about... no they are here, they're just not in a good mood. kiss have got a new album out, it the first in 19 years. i once saw kiss in concert. it was just before my 30th birthday, i was just about 2 months sober. i know, it wasnt a smart thing to do... i went to see kiss and right before the show there was a giant sphinx head and i thought 'oh, this is going to be good', and the giant sphinx head was right there, the lights go dark, and the music started to rumble, and then lazer beams shot out of the sphinx's eyes, and i'm like 'oh yes!', then smoke starts coming out of the sphinx nostrils, and the mouth opens up and inside was kiss and i thought 'oh man, being sober sucks!'.'
+ dear aquaman with tim gunn
- julia louis-dreyfus
= avett brothers

10-05-09

+ with the big scandal with david letterman, craig ferguson weighs in: 'well, i guess by now you've all figured out how i got the job... oh, man. i mean, just for a second, put yourself in my position. i'm sure you already know, david letterman, the king of late night television, unless you believe the nbc press release, the king of late night television, got himself into a little bit of a situation which he's dealing with, is my boss. and my job is to take the number one news story of the day and have a bit of fun with it... now imagine that your boss is caught with his... no, that's a bad example. your boss in a situation where he is caught in an embarrassing situation, and your job is to be funny about this while keeping your own job. so, this is my last show... but i will say this, if we are now holding late night talk show hosts to the same moral accountability that we hold politicians and clergymen, then i'm out. i'm gone. because i dont think ive kept it a secret from you that i have a few incidents from my past. but i made the smart move and wrote them down in a book. its called 'american on purpose' available in all fine bookstores near you. i feel very bad about this, because i like a bit of danger in my entertainers. i like my musicians to be drug fueled. because if you want entertainers to be squeaky clean, then what are you going to be watching? jonas brothers. exactly. now, it's not for me to comment- actually it is for me to comment! argh! let me just say this: i have enjoyed working here. and i'm going to do my darned to keep working here. but if i inadvertently say something that gets me fired... then i hope its funny!!!'

+ tim meadows talks about the olympic decision to go to rio

-michael sheen

- viola davis

craig on dave

on september 24th craig ferguson made an appearance on 'the late show with david letterman' in support of his new book 'american on purpose'. it's always fun to watch craig when he's on other people's shows, he's a lot more reserved and he really behaves himself. he's not nearly as strange as he is on his own show, he probably feels like people might actually be watching him...

watch the whole episode here.

10-02-09

+ 'there's a movie opening today that i really want to see,' craig ferguson admits, 'its called zombieland. theres no confusion in the title, you know what your getting with zombieland, its about a land full of zombies! i love zombies, cause if theres any monster that could riverdance, it would be zombies! that's what i'm hoping for, riverdancing zombies- i can see it on broadway now! horror movies are supposed to be allegories for what humans wrestle with. like dracula is a metaphor for sex, you know, the penetrating fangs, they crave the flesh, all that. but you'd think all the maidens in transylvania would think to shut their windows at night, but they are all kind of like 'oh, this breeze feels so good on my boobies, oh, i cant get to sleep without sticking my lady's business out of the window. oh, the transylvania night air, makes me glad i'm visiting from england. i always come here for my vacation...' the vampire thing is a metaphor for sex, dr. jekel and mister hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism, he drinks a potion and becomes a monster. i know exactly how he feels... i dont know what the zombie is an allegory for- maybe stoners, thats what it is. 'must eat brains... or twinkies.'.'
- tim gunn
- colbie smulders
= lynyrd skynyrd

10-01-09

+ 'when i was a kid growing up,' craig ferguson remembers, 'even just the word china represented something exotic and mysterious to me. when i was a kid, my dad would make something he called 'chinese eggs', which was a huge treat, he would only make it when my mother wasnt around and he had to cook. it was a boiled egg with toast cut into little squares, and mashed up in a cup. and i would say to my mom 'mom, dad made us something special, you dont know what it is, its called chinese eggs!'. she said 'its just boiled egg, your fathers a drunk.'.'
- patricia arquette
-dominic cooper

9-30-09

+ 'do you know what's happened?' craig ferguson asks, 'this is big news, my favorite show 'jon and kate plus eight' has been cancelled. but its coming back as 'kate plus eight' cause jon's been cancelled is what i'm saying. to be honest, i've never seen 'jon and kate'. see, all i know about jon and kate is from magazine covers or from joel mchale's show 'the soup'. and all i know about kate is this: she's got eight kids, and she's got some sort of weird reverse mullet haircut thats the wrong way around, its like party in the front and bussiness in the back. thats what i know about jon: he is a horses ass. how do i know that? because he wears the ed hardy t-shirts.'
+ oom-ra and craig communicate via whistle tubes
- jenna elfman
> dom irrera

9-29-09

+ 'i was on the view', craig ferguson admits, 'and i showed my tattoo because barbara walters wanted to see it. and if barbara walters wants to see something, you take your pants off and show her! and then i showed her a tattoo. she said 'oh, i like that', she was nice about it and everything was fine. and later on i met some people and this lady comes up to me and says 'i don't like your tattoo'. thats ok, because it's not for you, its for me. then she said 'oh, tattoos arent rebelious, everyone's got a tattoo right now. everyone has one'. i said 'do you have one?' 'no', 'that's why i have one'. 'they're not rebelious', 'i know, but you don't have one. i have one. which makes me cool'.'
- james spader
> cathy ladman

9-28-09

+ craig ferguson shares some osborne news: 'at age 60, ozzy osborne finally got his driver's license. so congratulations there to mel gibson who is no longer the most dangerous celebrity on the road. what i cant believe though is that ozzy osborne is only 60 years old! i mean, come on, he's always 'argh..' wow, only 60?!? i think it makes you look old if you eat bats, clearly. bats are the bacon of rock and roll.'
- chris o'donnell
> paula poundstone

9-25-09

+ 'its been crazy this week', craig ferguson tells us, 'you know what's happened? r. kelley released a new song, right, and its called 'number 1'. is that really the best title of a song if you are the guy who got arrested for going wee wee on someone?!? now, i offer that up as a discussion, i'm not saying thats a joke, its just a discussion. maybe in your book club you could discuss that. i'm like oprah, only poor.'
+ celebrities read excerpts from craig's book: marg helgenberger
- ted danson
* christopher miller and phil lord, directors of 'cloudy with a chance of meatballs'

9-24-09

+ 'tonight is the season premier of the mentalist', craig ferguson reminds us, 'it was on earlier on cbs. 'what's that show about?' i hear you mentally thinking. its about a detective who's powers of observation are so great that people think he's psychic. dont confuse it for the show 'psych', which is on another network, thats about a cop who's powers of observation are so great that people think he's psychic. but its nothing like the mentalist at all. psych show, the mentalist show, they are as different as 'wife swap' and 'trading spouses'. the mentalist is a fantastic show though, it really is. i've never seen it. the mentalist is so observant he can tell what people are thinking, he's like a woman in a mans body. i know exactly how he feels... now, listen, if you don't want anybody reading your mind, just do what i do: wear a tinfoil hat!' craig really cracks himself up with that one! 'ha ha! i love that idea! wear a tinfoil hat, they wont have to read your mind, they will just see that you are crazy. oh, what am i saying? you are watching this show, you are probably already wearing a tinfoil hat!'
+ celebrities read excerpts from craig's book: reba
- jason schwartzman
- angela kinsey

9-23-09

+ 'it's a great day for america, everybody', craig ferguson again declares, 'its also a great day of ireland! today is the 250th anniversary of guinness beer. i may have crossed paths with guinness in my life... 'what made guinness famous made a looser out of me!' irish people took to the streets today, drinking and throwing up on each other, and you should have seen them when they found out about the anniversary! 'craig, you're reinforcing national stereotypes' yes, i am.'
+ celebrities read excerpts from craig's book
- jennifer love hewett
* ken tucker
= arctic monkeys

9-22-09

+ the intro segment starts with craig ferguson turning around with a marker under his nose, looking shocked like we caught him doing something bad, 'sorry, sorry, i was just... i was just seeing what i would look like in a yellow moustache. i wasnt really sniffing a pen, those days are behind me. no, i thought would i do that for a joke? will i sniff a pen in the beginning as a joke? then i thought i cant, cause then people will be outraged and like 'oh', the pen sniffers of america will be like 'how dare you mock us', then there will be other people saying 'pen sniffing is a serious problem'. and it might be, it might be, i don't know. there might be a whole area, dr drew's dealing with people who are like 'i started off on ball points then went crazy, i thought it was harmless, just a pencil every now and then...'. let me tell you something: pencils are the near beer of pens. that doesnt even make any sense, that. you that i dont drink anymore, i know. no, i dont, i havent drank in a long time. and this is how i am without drinking- can you imagine? oh no no, you wouldnt be applauding, you'd be running. i dont drink anymore and people say 'oh, you can have a near beer.' i'm like 'no'. if i have a near beer, i'm near beer. and if i'm near beer, i'm close to tequila. and if i'm close to tequila, i'm adjacent to cocaine. and if i'm adjacent to cocaine, i'm in jail. see? you see how it goes? thats the natural flow of things.'
+ celebrities read excerpts from craig's book
= reba
- dave annable

9-21-09

+ craig ferguson starts the show's intro segment with the crocodile hand puppet named wavey. wavey begins by saying 'hey everybody! what a do? i've come to tell you something that's kind of embarrassing for the scottish conan guy. we've been looking at the market research for the show. hey everybody. the most popular part of this show, i'm not kidding you, is me! wavey! yeah! ha ha! yeah! and they said it couldnt be done by a cold blooded killer!' then craig comes in with a sad face, 'its true... people love puppets though, puppets and animation. thats what they want. they don't want some fat old douche in the middle of the night.'

+ celebrities read excerpts from craig's book

- marg helgenberger

- dule hill

= black joe lewis and the honeybears

9-11-09

+ 'there is a movie opening today called 'whiteout'', craig ferguson shares, 'i'm very excited about it, finally a movie about liquid paper! 'in a world where people make mistakes, there is a fluid that covers them up...' do people still use white out? nobody writes on paper anymore, people write on the computer. i still use white out though, i go through five computer screens a week! ha ha. don't laugh, i know is isnt funny before i said it, but i said it anyway, and you know why? because i'm optimistic, thats why. you know who invented whiteout? the mother of mike nesmith, who was the guitar player in the monkeys. thats why mike never participated in any of the monkeys reunion shows. he's like 'screw you guys, im heir to the whiteout fortune, i dont need you!' but of course, the glory days of correctional fluid are over now, the money will be drying up. next year he'll be putting on the monkey suit and the little wooley hat singing 'cheer up sleepy jean!'...'
+ celebrities read excerpts from craig's new book
+ the rather late programme with prince charles
- drew carey
- mindy kaling

ew book interview

with the release of craig ferguson's new book 'american on purpose', he has been making the rounds to support it. one place he has shown up in is the pages of entertainment weekly. he stopped by and gave a brief interview about what people can expect in the pages of his book. here is an excerpt from that interview:

Craig Ferguson is exposing himself. He's rolled up his cuffs to examine a sore spot on his leg where he fell off a horse. ''It was a f---ing Clydesdale as well,'' he says, then adds, ''When you fall off a horse, you should get back on it, but I didn't.'' Which is weird, because the actor, comedian, and Late Late Show host always gets back on the horse. Not always for the better. The first time he drank, he got wildly sick and punched a policeman — so he kept drinking and became a spectacular alcoholic. And when he was chased off stage for his misanthropic comedy character Bing Hitler? He kept doing the character and kept getting chased off stages. American on Purpose, Ferguson's raw, funny new memoir, is full of stories like these, and he rarely fares well in his own telling. ''That's the idea, isn't it?'' he asks. ''It's an autobiography — it might as well be honest.''

find the rest of the interview here.

craigs new tatoo

it seems that while craig ferguson was away from the show and it was in reruns he was busy getting inked! on the view he talked about his new tattoos. he has one on his right arm, which is the ferguson crest, which he got when his father died. the second one he got on his left arm for his mother, as he tells it 'my mother died less than a year ago, and i started to hear her say 'oh, what a lovely tattoo you got for your father...' so i had to get a tattoo for my mother'.

he also decided to get another tattoo, because apparently you should never have an even number of tattoos. his reasoning is this: 'my body was turning into a bit of a church yard, it was like tombstones on it, i wanted something for me, something life affirming. its kind of personal as well, its a new thought, the new world. i kind of like that.'

when asked by the women of the view why he got the one on his forearm, he replied 'its from a cartoon. actually in 1754 ben franklin had it in the newspaper, it was a symbol originally for the colonists to unite together against a common threat, and it became a revolutionary symbol. i got it cause i'm an american, and i wanted to have an american tattoo.

craig on the view

with craig ferguson's new book, 'american on purpose', coming out, he did a little promotion for it. one of those promotional stops was on 'the view'. he joined the ladies and talked about many different topics, such as freedoms we should be allowed, his new tattoos, his past, his wife, his career, becoming a pilot, the drew carrey show, and everything else they wanted to talk about. he came across as a really sincere guy who doesnt bother with all that self centered garbage most celebrities seem to have. a very interesting and fun interview!

9-10-09

+ 'i saw what happened during obama's speech to congress', criag ferguson declares, 'and i dont like it. congressman joe wilson of south carolina yelled during the speech. until then the speech was just normal, obama was talking everybody is like 'yeah yeah, blah blah, lets do good things, blah blah.' then joe wilson he's like 'you lie!' it caused a commotion amongst the other politicians, cause they were like 'how do you know? oh..'. now, i want to be very clear about this, i am not getting on congressman wilson's case for disagreeing with the president, he's absolutely, if he disagrees he disagrees. disagreement is what its all about- thats why we have republicans and democrats, boxers and briefs, rosie and trump, hall and oats, linens and things... every congressman has a vote, he should use it, but not in the middle of a speech to the joint sessions of congress, thats not when you do it- its not the jerry springer show! you dont stand up in the middle of congress and yell 'oh no, you did not!' what the hell is wrong with you?!? he says that his emotions got the better of him. sometimes i want to have sex with a hooker, but i dont! ...ooh, my inner dialog came out again, didn't it?'

+ celebrities read excerpts from craig's book

- audrey tautou

- ron livingston

9-09-09

+ uh oh, another south carolina politician finds himself in hot water over a sex scandal. craig ferguson takes the time to talk about it: 'the scandal broke last night and the local tv station played the tape. in it he's braging to another politician about his affair. they were in a meeting and it was recorded. they recorded his words because his mic was on. in show business its called a hot mic. anyway, the story gets worse, the woman he is having an affair with turns out to be a lobbyist for an energy company, and the senator turns out to be the vice chair on the comittee on utilities... its a double no-no on this thing, its like an exterminator having an affair with a cockroach. well, no, its not as classy as that.'
- danny devito

celebrities read craig's book

with craig ferguson's new book, 'american on purpose', coming out soon, there has been a new segment where famous celebrities sit and read a short bit from his book! so far the celebrities have been such folks as betty white, dame edna, kevin bacon, and john waters. the little snippets from the book are usually unusual or altogether unrelated to anything one would expect- thus making it really funny to hear them read it out loud and out of context!

9-08-09

+ 'it's not a great day for america's school children', craig ferguson laments, 'its back to school day today, so on behalf of america's parents, god bless you schools. thank god! finally i can watch cartoons by myself. i love the summer time, but i can spend so much time at chuck e cheese, you know what i'm saying? i went so much this summer, the giant rat knows me! he's like 'good morning, craig', 'good morning chuck.' i'm getting a bit tired of their pizza as well, although i admit i still love the ball pit. when the kids come back to school today get get a bit of a surprise: president obama has a speech just for them, he said 'work hard, stay in school', he said some kids dont value education they just think they they will get rich if they just get on tv or something. i'm like 'ha!' as someone who dropped out of school and is on tv, he's right kids. dont end up like me, cbs in the middle of the night.'

- neil patrick harris

= spencer day

9-07-09

+ 'it's labor day today', craig ferguson reminds us, 'that's the end of wearing white. i have to put away my favorite white pumps. i've always been an outlaw though, i will continue wearing my white speedo. you want to take away my white speedo? you'll have to tear it away from my cold dead wiener. anyway, last week because we were going to HD i got my teeth whitened. but now its labor day, with summer gone, i'll have to have my teeth darkened for winter. my father used to have seasonal rules like that, he would drink light beer, like lager, in the summer, and dark beer, like guinness in the winter. his thinking was that light beer cools you in the summer, and the guinness warms you in winter. and that way being drunk isn't dependant on the seasons. a bit of a health nut, my dad.'+ celebrities read excerpts from craig's book

- juliette lewis

- alex o'loughlin

9-04-09

+ as craig ferguson reads the emails, he comes across this gem : 'this one is from joe bob in hicksville kentucky. maybe its joe and bob they got together to write an email. 'yehaw!' thats how he starts, 'yehaw', 'how are ya doing?' alright, get on with it, 'my pa tells me you were once a member of the sex pistols, which one were you? the one with the tongue or the one dressed like a cat?'.' craig finds this one especially amusing and begins genuinely cracking up, 'i get asked this all the time' he says sarcastically, and continues to laugh hysterically. 'man, you know, i used to worry before i went to see a therapist, that i was crazy. i'm not crazy, i'm just like you'. then craig remembers the email again and falls into fits of laughter 'the cat?!? what is the cat?!? the cat wasnt even in the village people! was there a cat in the banana splits? i dont even think there was a cat in the banana splits! damn. we have to take a break after that one...'
- radha mitchell
- jason ritter finally! after all that waiting, jason is finally on!

9-03-09

+ 'there's a new study out today', craig ferguson informs us, 'a new scientific study out today, from scientists, that says that the healthiest sperm you can get comes from men with high IQs. i thinking 'nice try, scientists, you're still not getting laid! you're scientists- get back to work!'.'

-carrie fischer

- d.j. qualls

+ after being bumped from the last two shows, craig decides to make this week 'jason ritter week', there's a graphic and everything! he promises jason ritter will be on this episode. yet still no jason ritter. will we ever see this mysterious jason ritter interview?!? only time will tell...

9-02-09

+ 'the big brewhaha in russia', craig ferguson shares, 'here's what they're all cockahoop about in russia, there's a man in russia who's taking a newspaper to court, taking a russian newspaper to court because they are writing bad things about his grandfather. his grandfather was a man by the name of joseph stalin. what kind of a cheap rag would dare to say a bad think about uncle joe stalin? if you dont know joe stalin, he ruled the soviet union for 30 years, lets just say he was a bit of a 'bad dude'. a bad dude in the kind of 'cant be tamed' justin timberlake sort of way? stalin was even badder than justin timberlake! what? yeah. he was so bad during world war two he signed a non-aggression pact with the nazi's, he wiped out millions of his own people, and he had a very unpleasant moustache. now, you have to be very weary of men with moustaches: stalin had a moustache, hitler had a moustache, sadam hussein had a moustache, tom selleck had a moustache. that's right, magnum, i know what you did with higgins! anyway, stalin's grandson is on a mission, hes trying to restore stalin's good name. i thought we only had crazy people in california! what he said to the court in russia was that stalin presided over a golden era of literature and the arts. which is a bit like saying hannibal lecter presided over a golden era of fine cuisine. its like saying micheal vick presided over a golden era of pet care. you see what i'm saying?'

- mila kunis

+ still no jason ritter. craig promises that he will be on tomorrow.

9-01-09

+ 'there's very big news in hollywood', craig ferguson informs us, 'disney bought marvel comics for four billion dollars. not just one marvel comic, the whole collection! four billion. i think this is fantastic, it means we are this much closer to having the jonas brothers destroyed by the incredible hulk!'
+ dear aquaman
- quentin tarantino
+ originally they were suppossed to have jason ritter on, but they bumped him to tomorrow's show.

8-31-09

+ 'the big news here is that we are finally in HD', craig ferguson announces, 'now, i would like to assure both our regular viewers, even though cbs has spent upward of $200 upgrading the cameras, we will still be doing the same tired old crap we always do. you know what i did today? do i look like i'm a little 'aghh', you know what i did today? because we are going to HD, i'm such a douche, what i did was go to get my teeth whitened! i cant tell you the kind of pain i'm in right now! just four hours ago i was strapped to a chair while a man was putting strange apparatus in my mouth, then i went and had my teeth whitened... if i didn't have my teeth whitened, some people might suspect that i'm not originally from the united states!'

- emily deschanel

- terry crews

new opening

craig ferguson is now in HD! recently the 'late late show' upped their production value by turning to HD cameras and is now broadcast in high definition! along with those changes comes a few more: a new logo and a new opening. the song was rerecorded, and now the opening features a fun romp around town with craig singing, drumming, playing around with his puppets, and even taking a dip in the water fountain near his studio! i really love the new look, but i must say, i kind of miss the old light blue on the logo.

craig puppet

it finally happened! craig ferguson has been using puppets on 'the late late show' during the introduction so much that he has finally turned into one!

8-14-09

+ 'theres a new movie coming out today', craig ferguson informs, 'called 'the time traveler's wife', its based on the book 'the time travelers wife.'... there's a lot of movies about time travel, my favorite movie about going through time is the 'back to the future' movies. in the second one marty mcfly went to the year 2015 and there were flying cars. not gonna happen. in 2015 we'll be lucky if there's any cars in this country...'

- liza minnelli craig apologizes for saying that he looks like her- which he does!

# egyptologist dr. kara cooney

8-13-09

+ 'its a great day for america, everybody, and it is a great day for this show!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'we just found out that we are going to be in the HD. yes! take that, other late night shows, now all you've got a head of us is a band, a budget, and a structurally sound place, an american born host, jokes. alright, you still win... but anyway, starting in a few weeks, if you have a fancy new digital television you will be able to watch this show in the HD. when i first heard we would be in HD i thought we already have it. doesn't HD stand for huge douche bag? i've been HD on this show for nearly five years!'
- jon cryer

8-12-09

+ 'august is a terribly brutal month', craig ferguson muses, 'even the name 'august' sounds hot and sweaty: aaauuughustt. the month of august got its name from the roman emperor august... actually, it was augustus. augustus must have been a really good emperor, he got a whole month named after him. all julius ceaser got was a salad, and an orange julius. i've always been fascinated by the roman empire. i've been to rome, it was founded in 750 bc by the twins romulus and remus. that's true, they were two twins, founded an empire, kind of like the olson twins! they came and they said 'we'll build our town here!' just like if the olson twins founded a town and it went on to dominate the world for a thousand years. and then in about 2000 years from now there will be a month named 'mary kate'.

- eric bana

= holly williams

8-11-09

+ 'i love to barbecue' craig ferguson shares, 'for me, a good barbecue, i love it, its like good sex. you have to let things heat up for a while, then you have to choose the right tool, everything should be covered in bbq sauce... i like the old fashioned taste you get when the bbq is wood smoked. you know there's a place on hollywood blvd. where they'll smoke your wood for 20 bucks. if you tell them i sent you they might put grill marks on your wiener... the best bbq i've ever had was in fort worth texas. in fort worth they have a bbq place called 'risky's', now you know the food is going to be good if they call the place 'risky's'. they like hot sauces in texas, at risky's theve got the 'hot death' sauce, 'satan's messenger', and 'burns when i pee'. these are their three hot sauces. when you have bbqs in l.a. its very tough because so many people are vegetarians. you've got your vegetarians and your pescatarians who are vegetarians who eat fish. or jerks, as i call them. i'm a vegetarian who eats fish and cows and pigs and chicken, and giraffes. oh yes, nothing says summertime like throwing a giraffe on the barbecue. 'come on, everybody, help me with the giraffe! alright kids, who wants neck?'.'

+ micheal caine's animal kingdom

+ betty white as an officer from san quinten

* mitch albom

= bonnie raitt and taj mahal

8-10-09

+ 'it's a big day for me today', craig ferguson confides, 'todays the day i've been looking forward to all year. finally i can talk about it, its the number one celebration for me. thats right, i'm talking about equadorian independence day! on this day in eighteen something something the south american country of equidor declared independence from spain. and the rest is history. history which i'm not very knowledgable about. now let me say this: i never took drugs. on equadorian independence day. no, even i had my limits on this sacred of days. in scotland where they said 'alright, thats enough drinking and fighting everyone, lets stop for one day in celebration of the people of equidor. all right, we can do some acid, thats it though, only acid. no smoking hashish, no crack, only acid. and whiskey.'.'

> carrot top

- alexis bledel

8-07-09

+ 'theres a big movie opening today: g.i. joe', craig reminds us, 'g.i. joe of course is the figure that comes with the guns and the radios, but no genitals. i'm thinking how can that be a good movie? the only reason i go see movies is if there's genitals in it. no genitals? then i'll keep my ten dollars, thank you. they call the g.i. joe toys 'action figures' because the toy companies think that dads wont buy their sons dolls, if the dads let their boys play with dolls it might make them gay. i dont know much about g.i. joe, it was popular in the 80's and by then i was too old for action figures, i had moved on to other toys, you know, strawberry shortcake, my little pony... i was into a different sort of toys: you know, tequila. more than meets the eye! it certainly transformed me, i'll tell ya. in scotland we had action man, its kind of like g.i. joe, it had the action grip, the little scar on its face. i always wondered when they would make the action man movie, then a couple of years ago in a hotel room i saw a movie called 'action man' on pay per view. it wasnt a war movie at all... but one of the men was heavily decorated. toys werent cool when i was a kid, the commercials for the toys were better than the actual toy. like that game 'kerplunk'. remember that game kerplunk? man that was crap! a clear plastic cylinder with sticks inside holding up a bunch of balls and then when you pulled them out and the balls fell you said 'kerplunk'. thats the game! thats it! i thought the game would be fun cause in the commerical it looks great cause the family looks like they are having fun- the werent angry, they werent drunk- nothing like my family. i was so conditioned by the commerical, so for years afterwards i said 'kerplunk!' every time i saw balls drop, so at about 13 years old i announced to my family at dinner one night 'guess what everybody? kerplunk!'

+ the j k rowling show with jeffrey tambor as stehenie meyer

- don rickles

= sharon jones and the dap kings

8-06-09

+ 'this week, if you're a real biker, you're probably headed to the sturgis motorcycle rally', craig ferguson shares, 'all week long in sturgis there has been a gathering of bikes, and biker mamas, and the men who ride the both. they have been doing the sturgis motorcycle rally in sturgis north dakota since 1938. sturgis is a town with about 6,000 people in it, but they are expecting about half a million bikers in sturgis this year, that is a lot of mustaches and leather packed into a very small place- its like a party at ryan seacrest's. every year the annual motorcyle rally is followed by the annual pick the bugs out of your beard festival. anyway, there's something about a guy on a motorcyle, its like 'i aint living by your rules'. real bikers give you other hints, you know, like the long beard, the bad ass boots, a kick in the nuts. i'll never forget, in arizona once, this is true, i saw a guy on a motorcycle, a big american motorcycle, no helmet and a gun strapped to his back. i'm like 'this is the best country in the world!'.'

- zooey deschanel

= glasvegas

book interview

with the release of his autobiography coming soon, craig ferguson sat down and chatted about about his book, his show, and life in general. its very amusing, and quite interesting. its over on amazon.com near the bottom of the page. i cant embed it directly, but you can still check it out here.

CBS cares about authors

craig ferguson, dressed up like j.k. rowling, joined by jeffrey tambor dressed up like stephanie meyer give a public service announcement. they each introduce themselves and fight over who has more money. 'more important than all the money we have is helping the kids.' they look at each other, 'yeah right!' as they bust into laughter and start throwing money in the air!

8-05-09

+ 'congratulations today to bill clinton', craig ferguson offers, 'back in america today after going to north korea and freeing the two journalists. its pretty amazing. to be fair, it wasnt that difficult for bill clinton, he's used to sneaking women out of government buildings. 'dont you girls worry, this is not my first time bringing two chicks home, alright?' now the two journalists are from al gore's tv network 'current tv'. thats what its called, current tv. which surprised me, when i heard al gore had a network, i thought 'well, its got to be the food network, clearly'. you got to wonder how that feels, having bill clinton rescue al gore's employees. thats like NBC relying on jay leno to save their entire network- that would be insane! your welcome visiting television critics in los angeles. now, when the plane left north korea with the women on board there was jubilant celebration, then bill found out they were both married so things quited down a bit. they landed in l.a. this morning, its quite a contrast between l.a. and north korea, one is a cruel place filled with soulless people who are despised by most americans, and of course the other one is north korea. after the journalists landed al gore gave a speech, of course. now i dont want to say al gore went on too long, but about half way through, the women were like 'we can go back to prison if you want'. one of the imprisoned journalists said that when she saw bill clinton she knew that her nightmare was over. i'm thinking 'well this shows how times change', ten years ago when a woman saw bill clinton she knew her troubles were just about to begin!'

+ CBS cares promo

# wolf blitzer

- rose byrne

8-04-09

+ 'mount everest is the highest point on earth', craig ferguson begins to explain, 'some scientists argue that willie nelson's tour bus is actually the highest place on earth. the mountaineer sir edmund hillary is famous for being the first person to climb to the top of mt. everest, but what they dont talk about is the guide, the local guide who showed him the way to the top. you're thinking 'how does he know the way?' its true, there was a local guide, named tenzing norgay, he had to carry sir edmund hillary's stuff, you know, his tennis racket, his tea making equipment and everything, his ipod, i dont know what the hell he was carrying. the guide was like 'just go right up here' 'how do you know? no one has ever climbed here before' 'umm, i came by this way before once'. anyway, that was 50 years ago. today rich yuppies climb everest all the time to impress their friends. you know whats at the top of everest now? a starbucks!'

+ micheal caine's animal kingdom

- tony shalhoub

- minka kelly

7-31-09

+ at the end of his monologue tonight, craig ferguson jokes 'we have to take a break now for some cartoons. wouldn't it be awesome if the break really was cartoons? not that commericals arent awesome, they are great, the pay my wages... wouldnt it be great, just once, to go 'lets take a break for cartoons!' we should have cartoons. you know, i'm fed up with this late night bullshit, we should get... remember 'pee wee's playhouse'? we should get chairy- remember chairy? he was like a chair that talks. i miss chairy! we should have chairy back, can we get chairy on the show? chairy, if you are out there watching... oh, and the genie as well! 'meka leka hi, meka hidy ho!' he'd do very well here!'

+ a skit where sean connery appears on a bunch of different shows

+ the rather late programme with prince charles

- saffron burrows

7-30-09

+ 'the x-games start today', craig ferguson informs us, 'the closest i ever got to participating in an extreme sport was when i was a kid. we used to make soap box racers. we used to call them 'bogeys'. i dont know why, but we called them bogeys. you find a wooden box and add spoked wheels from a baby carriage and go very fast down hill. stopping was a big problem cause there weren't any breaks on them. you had to do that fred flintstone thing where your feet are on the road. and so i noticed this, and being a sensitive little boy, i said 'i think we need some breaks on this' and all the other people in scotland are like 'oh, you want sundresses to go with your wee breaking system, do ya?' 'oh, breaks is it? oh, why don't you go to l.a. and be with your own kind, ya safety loving panzie!' ah, good times...'

+ micheal caine's animal kingdom

- james spader he talks forever!